After a few years of remarkable progress for LGBT rights, the United States has elected an apprentice fascist and a national legislature with the most hostile anti-LGBTQ agenda in recent history. Now it’s clear that the Trump team is hell-bent on elevating actual white supremacists to the highest levels of power and a big chunk of the GOP legislature has been sharpening knives for our freedoms for a while. They have the chance to run the table, so we need to move and move fast. This is the updated Gay Agenda.1 Please destroy all previous versions and keep this one under lock and key. They would be so mad if they knew.
Process Your Grief
This one was a punch to the solar plexus, no question. Like worse than when you started paying attention to the dialogue on certain episodes of The L Word. So we’re all taking at least one full month to grieve. Do so however you need to, and ignore anyone who tells you that you should be feeling or responding any differently. If you need to throw a toaster oven at the wall, throw a toaster oven at the wall. That is your process. Hit a resale shop and pick up all the small appliances for destruction if you feel like it. They recycle just the same when they’re in pieces. Plus, the smashing noises will give those neighbors who always side-eye your Pride gear something to think about. You’re also allowed to have great, heaving crying jags over seeing your pantsuit rainbow t-shirt, eat enough carbs to stagger a war horse, nap, stay up watching Wentworth, rend your garments, whatever you need. You are grieving. And if that means listening to the workout mix of “Hands to Myself” on repeat while power-keening and re-collaging every last one of your vision boards to include images of yourself as an avenging Fury with a belt of human skulls, so be it.
Harness the Power Of Your Anger
When you’re ready, hang a toaster oven knob from your belt, go back to work, and tell goddamned Tucker with the “jokes” that he is exactly six more words from you hitting your limit. Then stare into his eyes while baring all the rage in your soul until he silently backs away. Odds are Tucker will bring by a hot beverage in about an hour in an attempt to make peace. Snatch it out of his hands and hiss at him. Do you feel that power? Use it. Anger does not have to lead to hatred; properly channeled, it can make you productive beyond your wildest dreams. Let your ferocious soul fire your forward motion and your rage fuel your industry.
Get Extra Sexy
You’re a revolutionary firebrand now, which means you’re automatically at least 30 points sexier. The combination of passion, direction, and purpose is so irresistible that it’s practically weaponized. But don’t rest on your laurels!2 We need you to be achingly, devastatingly, pants-meltingly sexy. Do whatever you can to enhance your unique personal appeal, whether that’s emphasizing your voluptuous curves or doing squats while straight-arming cement-filled paint cans. Anoint yourself with scented oils. Make use of the LGBT Free Amazing Haircut Service.3 Be sure to take the collagen supplements in your monthly packet so that your hair, skin, and nails are supple and/or glossy. If random strangers on the street are gibbering and begging for your phone number, you’re halfway there. Develop your talents and feel your swagger. Show no mercy. Because it’s time for your next agenda item:
Turn Everyone Gay
It’s no-holds-barred on turning people queer for at least the next four years. Yes, we’ve been gradually turning people L, G, B, and T for years via our music, our living our lives happily in the open, and our delicious scalloped potatoes. But now The Escalation has officially begun. No longer are we turning only the most witty, intelligent, and sexy people queer. It’s anyone who needs a good dose of reality, and damn the consequences. For those of you who need a refresher, the proper form to turn someone gay is to make deep eye contact, raise your dominant hand so that it’s level with your temple, and snap. Snap once to turn someone bi, twice to turn them gay, and thrice for grinding in a thong on the Altoids float. To turn someone trans, wiggle your nose like Samantha on Bewitched. (Our secret that trans women make the most powerful witches was always going to have to come out eventually.)
Elevate Your Queerness
More good news: Next year’s Pride Parades are going to be Off. The. Chain. It’s time to make the firm point that we will not be bullied out of sight and trying to keep us down only makes us more fabulous. If you’re not financially dependent on a bigot and in a safe place to do so, rip that closet door off its hinges. Post glitter rainbows in your office cube. Get everyone at the feed store clear on subtext.
Prepare for Domination
It’s true that when a diverse coalition of lesbian, bi, trans, and queer women have control of the presidency and both houses of Congress, straight white cis men might get a little nervous. JOIN THE CLUB, FELLAS. We were patient and played nice for a long time, but now they’re trying to roll back some very basic civil rights, so we’re going to have to take the joint over. Mandatory Supergirl viewing parties in all the sports bars! Pagan Reading Group Thursdays at the Library of Congress! Tegan and Sara playing the inauguration! Of President Laverne Cox!
Extreme? Perhaps. But the minute half the country sat out the election and another quarter knowingly voted in a viciously anti-LGBT Congress and a spray-tanned cupbearer of the KKK so pathetically desperate for approval that he became Salacious B. Crumb to Putin’s Jabba the Hutt, they asked for it.
You have your super-secret marching orders. Definitely do not share this on social media; we want it to be a surprise. You know how much we love a good entrance. Go get ‘em.
1 Read: LGBTQ Agenda. But we call it the Gay Agenda because that’s what scares them.
2 Unless you are resting on a bed strewn with laurels and are beckoning someone in a sultry manner.
3 As always, if you tell straight people the truth about your stunning ‘do, severe penalties will apply. If they’re nice, tell them your stylist isn’t taking on other clients. If they’re not, send them to the worst-rated Supercuts you can find on Yelp. (No, at present we do not know of any way to give either Trump or Pence a worse haircut. Our scientists are working on it.)
Is this the Illesbianati?
The Illuminaughty. Bi-hemian Grove. The K(L)GBTQ!
Aye aye, Cap’n!
Tucker has no fucking idea what he’s in for.
BUCKLE UP TUCKER. PRESIDENT LAVERNE COX’S MANDATORY “INTERSECTIONAL BLACK & TRANS LIVES MATTER” READING GROUP IS GOING TO BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND.
“Buckle up, Tucker” is going to become my new go-to phrase.
Thanks, Ali! I sorely needed some invigoration today, and now I’m ready to turn into a beam of scintillating rainbow light at a moment’s notice.
Honestly, this is the first article I’ve read post-election that has genuinely made me feel better. Thank you so much.
Thank you for providing me with direction in regards to my comeback to social media and society in general. I’ve decided to revive my sexually charged, avant garde, and highly experimental performance art. Unapologetically queer–coming early 2016.
We will live this hell year over again, and this time do it better.
Just kidding–I typoed. Coming early 2017!
I would pay to see Unapologetically Queer, sign me up for two tickets please.
This cheered me up so much :)
I feel like this is the time to be brave. Now is the time to stand up and so I will. Good luck you guys, I have faith in us and I hope you do too.
Don’t you mean domiGAYtion?
(bad puns are another way to slowly destroy people)
I’m asexual, can I still participate in the dismantling of the white, heteronormative, ableist patriarchy?
Of course! Welcome to the team :)
Thank you! I’m glad to be here.
We can rock this agenda with our asexiness. :-D
Hell yes! The full acronym is LGBTQA anyways, and my lesbian bestie thought that my demi ass was good enough for this, so come on and join in!
Yes! Just what we need! I’ve been wearing more of my fine suits and ties from Saint Harridan at the office.
Yes to all of this. Thank you.
This is exactly what I needed today, besides more Sanvers fic.
yes.
Oh Ali, I needed this! Many thanks.
Will we be receiving our uniforms in the mail, or do we need to purchase the Doc Martens, camo flannels, and carabiners ourselves?
I think leather jackets will do. We are supposed to be intimidating and increasingly gay.
This is exactly what I needed today. I will definitely not share this with anyone. We need a domination playlist.
well this is just so perfect.
“…our delicious scalloped potatoes.”
I *knew* it! I FINALLY FOUND MY ROOT (VEGETABLE)
Quick question- suppose I want to convert a straight cis male to a trans lesbian. Should I wiggle my nose and then snap twice, or just wiggle my nose and their gynephilic orientation will carry through their conversion?
If you are trans yourself, you need only smile and wink. If cis, *snap, snap, nose wiggle, blow kiss (optional: if you want them to be poly too)*
We should start putting up tougher looking rainbow flags too. Maybe we can put some glitter on it. Nothing is gayer than glitter. Nothing is also tougher to get rid of either.
I’m gonna fucking shine baby!
Feeling very cherished and also ready. And also tired. If there are any str8 girls that can be charmed by stress-knitting, I’m gonna slay it.
This is one of the most incredible things I’ve ever read. As a side note – who has a great scalloped potato recipe? I have to put my best foot forward in turning the straight and cis people around me queer (and also bc….scalloped potatoes sound so damn good right now)
I actually have a completely fabulous scalloped *sweet* potatoes recipe, which uses caramelized onions and Gruyere.
Oh man, that sounds INCREDIBLE
There is no stopping of the Gaymaggedon that will happen in America.
Does a demisexual (like me) count?