How to initiate sex sober?

Q

My partner and I are both switches, which is great, but we’ve both realized that neither of us are the people who make the first move. When we first started dating I was still drinking (I’m an alcoholic, 2 years sober) so I did. make the first move back then. Now that I don’t drink anymore, I don’t know how I used to do it. We live together, we work a lot. HOW DO I MAKE THE FIRST MOVE??? What do I say?

A

Summer: Ah, two people with sex drives that are receptive and reactive but are not active pursuers themselves. Or, the story of far too many sapphic relationships in history.

Well, my congratulations to you on your sobriety and your recognition of the complex reality that substance use is both enjoyable and harmful. The ‘we live together, we work a lot’ thing jumps out at me. Cohabiting often means sinking a lot of energy into household responsibilities and growing so accustomed to our partners that they become ‘just that person in our lives’. Meanwhile, busy work schedules interfere with sex lives in far too many ways. What’s happening in your life? Stress? Mismatched schedules? Lack of energy after work?

I can only offer what I offer to others in your situation:

• Set aside the dream of spontaneous sex for now. Clinging to it may only stress both of you out even more. And sex shouldn’t be a point of stress.
• Use your grownup skills to make sex happen. You now live a regimented life with responsibilities and scheduling. This is probably habitual at this point in your lives. Use it to your advantage by scheduling dates, pre-arranging comfortable alone time, and planning sex ahead of time. 
• Make sex something that’s scheduled but worth looking forward to as well. Nobody has to initiate if you both shake hands (figuratively) on an agreement and have a set day and time. Then just kiss the person and see where it goes.
• If your partner has stress points that you have the energy/ability to help, try to help. Do they lack time for good eating or need someone to tidy up their space a little? Do those to build up some cooperation and take stress off of them. I turned 30 this year and that means the grandest aphrodisiac in my life is hearing that the laundry, dishes, and meal prep were done without my input. Swoon.

Motti: Hi! I am in a situation not completely dissimilar to yours. I’m not an alcoholic nor am I completely sober, but in the past year or two I have significantly cut down on drinking and have been living with my girlfriend who does not drink. It’s a lot different from being drunk all the time and single, I’ll tell you that! She and I have different sex drives and different preferences for initiating sex (she’s really subtle when initiating, but thinks it’s not. I am “ready to go” a lot more often, and have grown used to being told “no thank you not right now”). I think what has helped us, or at least myself, is going back to the basics.

You asked “What do I say?” but I think this has less to say about what you should say and more to do with what you should do. Of course, verbal consent is still a priority, but I think you can communicate that you’re in the mood, and find out if she is, too, with actions. Think about when we were younger and less mature and talked a lot less about sex. Where does that lead us back to? MAKING OUT! So, when y’all kiss hello or goodbye or goodnight or just for fun, can you linger in the kiss a little longer? Can you wrap your arms around her or cup her face with your hands or bring your body closer to hers? These are all non-verbal ways to elevate a non-sexual but romantic moment into a potentially sexual one.

Would you feel comfortable letting her know when something she does (or someone else!) makes you horny? Maybe saying “Wow, that shirt you’re wearing is really hot… it’s turning me on” could be better than “Do you want to have sex right now?” It’s less direct and therefore maybe a little less intimidating, adds a little bit more playfulness to the situation.

And while I agree with all of Summer’s advice, these are just alternatives to taking a really grown up, pragmatic approach to it. But one really practical piece of advice I’ll leave you with is… ask her! Ask her how she wants to initiate. Ask her what gets her in the mood. Ask her when she finds herself most often in the mood. Ask her what takes her out of the mood. And then hopefully she’ll ask you the same, and the two of you can land on a perfect formula for fucking!

My partner has checked out post-election.

Q

My partner seems to have completely shut down after the election and I’m worried we’re no longer on the same page. We used to keep up with the news and talk about politics all the time. I loved hearing their take on the topics because they had smart, nuanced things to say, and talking with them would fire me up and make me feel even stronger about the causes we were passionate about. They even convinced me to go door knocking this year, which I always thought was a waste of time until they explained how one-on-one conversations with neighbors are so important when it comes to coalition building. 

I thought they were going to lose their shit entirely after the election but after a week or so of engaged rage, they shut down altogether, they’re done, totally, no more politics. They said something felt different this time, like they were rethinking how possible it is to “actually get the majority of this country to give a shit about each other.” I’ve tried initiating surface level conversations about things here and there, but they won’t bite. Last week they literally walked out of the room when I started reading a thing from a political substack out loud that I thought made really good points! That felt cruel to me actually, the walking out.

I miss my politically engaged partner! I want to talk about these things! I’m mad and scared and I don’t want to act like I’m not, but they’ve asked me to have these talks with other people now, like a therapist or other friends. That’s fine but I don’t talk to my other friends every day and they’re not as smart or politically engaged as my partner. It’s like they just carved out the part of their personality that cared about these things and threw it in the trash and that was a place where we had once lived together.

What do you think is going on? Is it a phase and they just need some time after this defeat? Am I putting too much pressure on them to be the one who meets this need I have? I don’t know how to think about this.

A

Summer: What I think is going on is… some kind of grieving. It sounds like your partner was deeply invested in political outcomes and their sense of right, wrong, and civil responsibility. So when the results come in and they get the worst outcome possible, it’s not just a shitty election result. It’s a demolition of the emotional labor and energy they’ve invested into a deeply-held conviction. This sounds like grief to me. Grief for their efforts, grief for the society they live in, and grief for their intermediate future.

Now’s not the time to boldly talk politics to them. They’ve made it clear that they’re not in a headspace to handle that and they need time to reconstitute their thoughts. This kind of thing can pass with time. Usually the feelings soften and sometimes they’ll pass completely. Or it might change your partner’s outlook completely for a while. Either way, I think that your role here should be to try and support their needs (not talking politics) for a while. At least until they seem ready to engage again.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!