Are we being petty to care?
Q
I have a straight friend who likes coming to queer events with us and basically does pretend to be queer: flirting with us and other girls, occasionally kissing girls at this one dance party. It never gets deep or anything — she is getting someone’s number or implying she might go home with someone.
She recently got a boyfriend, but this hasn’t stopped her interest in going to queer parties. Recently she said, “Don’t worry, I won’t try to bring my boyfriend to the gay party,” and my friend was like “Right, just your own straight ass,” and oof there has been some fallout.
I gotta admit I’m not gung-ho about her inviting herself to our gay lives like this, it’s starting to get old. Are we being petty to care? My queer elder mentor tells me once upon a time we would have been grateful for the allyship.
A
Summer: I can definitely understand your frustration vis a vis the conversations we’ve all had about cis-het people in primarily queer spaces. Especially social ones where there’s a common expectation of flirtation. Namely that queers flock there to get away from cis-het people and to have a good chance of running into someone compatible. There’s probably also some element of feeling like ‘our’ space is compromised by her presence, which I can understand.
The only counterpoint I can offer in support of your friend is that she’s straight-identified, but may not be entirely straight. She’s kissed girls, maintains a queer friend group, and attends queer events. Those all speak to something about her that’s not completely cis-het. There’s a very real possibility she’s tentatively bi/pan/other. Or that she is otherwise queer and not ready to alter her public identification. The existence of her boyfriend doesn’t prove her heterosexual, merely that her relationship’s public-facing is heterosexual. Bi and pan people are frequently earmarked by other queer people as being straight until they ‘prove’ otherwise and being in a heterosexual-looking relationship is often used as a mark against our queerness.
However, benefit-of-the-doubt only goes so far. If her conduct at queer events bugs your friend group, that’s something you can potentially talk about. It’ll be harder with the existing fallout, but I don’t think this is beyond repair.
Drew: I agree with Summer. I’m not convinced she’s straight. Or, rather, I think identity is complicated enough that if a straight-identified person wants to hang around queerness, I think there’s more to gain by welcoming that person rather than excluding them. What matters most is how she acts in these spaces. Is she queer and trans-literate or is she a walking microaggression machine? If truly the only problem is that she identifies as straight, but otherwise she’s a largely positive presence in the space, then I believe you shouldn’t be concerned that she wants to go to all the gay parties.
Motti: I agree with the advice Summer and Drew have provided here, and I agree that a girl who makes out with girls is likely not as straight as she thinks, even with a boyfriend. Something that stood out to me in your message, outside of the obvious, is the part where you say “I gotta admit I’m not gung-ho about her inviting herself to our gay lives like this.” I could be taking this part too literally but it seems like less of a straight-person-in-queer-spaces-issue and maybe more of a friend-invites-herself-places issue. Is she literally inviting herself to your events? Or are y’all making plans in a group chat that she’s in, so the invitation is implied? If she is inviting herself to your events, then I think that’s a pretty standard friendship annoyance, and a fairly valid one. But if y’all are making your plans right in front of her face, I can’t really blame her for assuming inclusion in them? It’s a tough balance, because then you could feel like a bad friend for making plans in a separate group chat and excluding her.
I’d also be curious to know what the specific fall out was after your other friend made the “just your straight ass” comment. Did your friend mean it sincerely or were they just poking fun at it? Did it open up a much larger conversation? Was your “straight” friend upset by the comment because it revealed a truth to her that she had been avoiding? I think a friend who is straight and knowingly taking up space in queer events should be able to take a little jab about it from a queer friend, but that’s just my opinion.
I have a lot of straight friends who come with us to queer events because… well they’re fun and if the majority of the group is gay, we’re gonna go do gay stuff. I don’t think it’s wrong for your friend to be there. But I do think clear boundaries could benefit your friend group. For instance, what if it’s an event where the host/producer specifically says it’s for queer people only? Would your friend still show up?
Kayla: Echoing the group! I understand your frustration, but I also think identity is complicated. To be honest, I sought out a lot of gay spaces before I was out too! It’s all about respect, boundaries, and honesty. So long as she isn’t doing anything to violate boundaries or disrespect others, I think she’s probably just on her own journey that no one else can fully understand.
How to tittyfuck with a strap-on :)
Q
Hi! Short and spicy one: any advice on titfucking with a strap-on? My girlfriend told me she’s interested in trying it (to clarify: my strap, her tits; FWIW, she’s busty.) I’m excited to try but have never done anything with the strap other than topping for vaginal/anal penetration (and she has never had any sex involving a strap, including with me) so I’d love any tips y’all may have. I figured lotion or water based lube might help but other than that… how does this work? I googled it and only got porn and we all know how accurate mainstream lesbian porn is, lol. Thanks!!! AS lesbian sex ed articles have been super helpful to me over the years so it feels right to ask here.
A
Summer: Oh this is a GREAT question. So firstly, lube is mandatory. It’s uncommon for even flesh-and-blood penises to be able to tittyfuck without some kind of lubricant. And it’s VERY uncomfortable going in dry because unless she’s got boob sweat like an absolute motherfucker, it’ll be dry dry. Vaginal penetration without lubrication is uncomfortable but possible, and only remotely possible because the area is naturally slightly moist. You need lube. Make a show of coating her breasts in it and rubbing it in if you want to be sexy about it. If you’re gonna use lube, do give thought to whether she has any textural or smell sensitivities about lube. A scent she doesn’t like will be problematic because it’s much closer to her face and if you’re thrusting, you’ll be pushing the scent toward her face.
Tittyfucking while straddling someone is generally quite a stable position since you can put some of your weight on their body. You’ll probably have to in order to maximise contact area, so keep that part of positioning in mind. Another point to consider is where and how you wear the strap-on. It needs to approximately align with her anatomy when she’s in position, probably lying on her back. Does your girlfriend have a sloped solar plexus and ribcage? How much tissue and fat are in the area? If your strap is highly adjustable, it may pay to sort of… pre-aim it at a helpful angle. You certainly don’t want to have it pointing ramrod straight at a 45 degree upward angle because bending the thing down to meet her will be tiring, distracting, and may even hurt you by driving the harness into you. Depending on the harness of course.
Besides those thoughts, all I can say is go experiment and have fun.
Motti: I agree with Summer, this is a great AND fun question! Summer offers some fantastic logistical and practical advice here, and I second everything she said. Especially the lube. The only thing I might add is that you can totally play around with the position you’re in. As Summer mentioned, a good position, especially for starting out, would be while straddling your girlfriend. I’ve also found that different positions can be fun, too. I guess it depends on what the two of y’all like about titty fucking. In some positions, the strap-wearer is doing the work of physically stroking while the person with the tits is holding the tissue to create the narrow path. But I’ve had a lot of fun with the opposite, where the person wearing the strap (me, in this case) is actually mostly still, and the person with the tits is sliding them up and down the strap. This can look like… the strap wearer sitting in a chair and the person with the tits on their knees in front of them or the strap wearer laying on their back (perhaps with a pillow beneath their butt or lower back) and the person with the tits straddles in front of them. In either case, it can be really fun and sexy to physically be sliding the tits up and down the strap, whether it’s the person with the tits moving them or the strap wearer. Sometimes I’m like wait… the titties are fucking ME. And that’s rad.
Submit your own advice questions right here!
AF members get the benefit of having your advice questions answered by the team. We do our best to answer every question, which is like, 99% of them — very rarely do they stump us. Questions remain anonymous!
You can send questions on any topic, at any time. Submit those questions into the AF+ Contact Box which we’ve also embedded here:AF+ Contact & Advice Inbox
