Q:

How can you stop being grossed out by the mess?

My girlfriend has no issues with period sex, but I just can’t get into it. I think some of it is about cleanliness, because I have issues with not feeling comfortable or calm in a room that isn’t clean, and I worry about blood stains on my sheets or clothing. But also it’s just very messy in a way that doesn’t feel hot to me. She knows that I don’t feel comfortable being fucked or eaten out while I’m on my period, but I have avoided drawing the same line around her period, even though it grosses me out when my hand is covered in blood after fucking her. I feel like it is body-shaming or sex-negative to have this hardline around period sex so I’ve been trying to do it anyway…… I don’t want to be like this, I want to get over it. How can I get over it?

A:

Kayla: Hate to break it to ya, but unless you’re a next level great actor, your girlfriend probably already knows that you’re not that into fucking her on her period. You’d probably be better off sharing that this kind of sex isn’t for you rather than powering through it — not just because you shouldn’t have sex you’re not comfortable with but also because it actually could lead to worse feelings of shame for your girlfriend if you continue to do it without enjoying it. I think it’s extremely possible she has already picked up on this, even subconsciously. It’s fine not to like period sex so long as you’re not shaming anyone else in the process, which it doesn’t sound like you’re doing! If she really enjoys the sensation of sex during her period (a lot of people do!) then I think there could be alternative routes here. You could set a towel down to assuage some of your worries about bloodstains, and you can see if using toys on her rather than your hands is something you’re both comfortable with. Period sex doesn’t have to be too messy if you take some precautions. But the first step will be to tell her you’re feeling this way so you can both come up with solutions that feel good to you both!

Riese: Yeha, you shouldn’t have sex you don’t want to have! You can try all the things Kayla suggested ‘cause there are other ways to fuck while on her period. She could also try using a menstrual disc, which can be left in while having penetrative sex.

Summer: Hi, resident germaphobe with sexual trauma related to bodily fluids here. I’m going to try and set aside my personal aversion to human bodily fluids and respond in a balanced fashion.

My response is simple: you’re not obligated to perform a sex act you’re uncomfortable with.

Your discomfort doesn’t seem rooted in shame-worthy views about your girlfriend’s body. It’s linked to a generalized interest in feeling ‘clean’ that extends to many parts of your life. It’s very okay and justifiable for some of our lifestyle interests to filter into sex. Because sex is part of our lives.

And even if your discomfort was rooted in disagreeable or problematic views about women’s bodies or sex… you’re still not obligated to perform a sex act you don’t want to. Dislike, discomfort, distaste, discrimination… None of that is sufficient to override a person’s right to sexual consent.

I’ve also experienced shame about not wanting to give oral. Hell, I don’t even enjoy kissing with tongue. To me, kissing with tongue is, as you say, messy in a way that doesn’t feel hot to me. I’m lucky to have a very non-judgemental girlfriend about this, but some of my bad feelings persist. What I’ve learned from this is that my right to a comfortable and consensual sex life is more important than other people’s expectations.

It looks like you’ve put in a lot of effort into satisfying your girlfriend while she’s on her period. You’ve tried things, thought about the sources of your discomfort, and discussed it with your girlfriend. And you’re still uncomfortable. You’re allowed to try and mitigate your discomfort or simply draw a boundary with period sex.

If you do pursue mitigation or moving past this fear… that presents its own challenges. Since your discomfort is linked to a general desire for cleanliness (whatever that looks like to you), you have to trace it back there. This is an area where working on one area can have domino effects on the other. If you begin reducing your stringent need for cleanliness in other areas and find success, it may filter to period blood or vice versa.

Some pointers from my own efforts:

• If you have a compulsive need to hand wash, sanitize, or clean body parts/objects repeatedly, consider imposing a limit on how many times you’re ‘allowed’ to clean a single target. Remember that for most people, one or two cleans is sufficient.
• Enlist your girlfriend’s support. Discuss your discomfort in the context of your general experiences with cleanliness. Distancing the conversation from period blood can help you explore other parts of your life that are affected and separate you from feelings of shame.
• Use protective measures to support your needs. Keep wet wipes or even skin-and-coochie-skin-safe sanitizing wipes within reach so you can immediately remove blood. Have sex with more designated sex towels that can immediately be crumpled and tossed into the wash. If you’re doing something you find uncomfortable, then you deserve to protect yourself from its effects.

Nico: First of all, I do want to take a moment to acknowledge the pain that is wanting to have an active sex life with someone and also being in a partnership where two people have periods because, while you don’t say it, I know that when things don’t sync up, it can feel like you’re losing two weeks a month of potential sex to periods! Unfair! Unjust! It’s also okay to feel gross on your period all or most of the time and not desire to be touched during that time of the month. You are under no obligation to have sex you don’t want to have, and you are under no obligation to be happy about having a period. And also, people feel all kinds of ways about fluids and that is a-okay. And my colleagues above have given great advice both for discussing this with your girlfriend and managing some things practically.

I just wanted to get into a practical recommendation that Riese made above, but with some more detail: Menstrual Discs are a relatively new invention and they can be worn during sex! While these might not work for heavier flows (I can’t personally test for that but I would be prepared if you or partner has a very heavy flow), Flex Discs, who also make a re-usable silicon version, are a menstrual-cup-esque product that has a thin, flexible layer suspended by a bouncy but firm ring…and you can have period sex with them without, in my experience, blood getting out or really anywhere. The flexible layer is “soft” (it’s not soft like fabric, but it is like, a non-issue if that makes sense), so it allows for penetrative sex of various kinds while menstruating, and can be safely worn during sex. Even if the period’s already begun, the disc, upon insertion, kinda…squeegees the blood back up, leaving a pretty minimal mess.

Yeah, you can feel it in there with your fingers, but if it’s in right and it works for your body(ies) then you’re not going to see much in the way of red stuff once it’s locked into place. One of these + a shower after insertion could leave a person appearing virtually period-less during sexy activities, and especially if you stick to outer stimulation. Personally, after going through a couple different menstrual cups, I switched to the silicon one (and disposables to keep on hand for emergencies or travel situations) both for ease of period sex and because I find it easier to remove than the “cup” style which tends to get kinda stuck (TMI sorry). Like menstrual cups, it’s also nice for dysphoria related to menstruating because one only has to look at the blood once every 12 hours. And, as many of us know by now, we also don’t really know what’s in our tampons, so the silicon mitigates some concerns there.

All that said, periods are also great times to get cozy, if getting sexual is not your thing. Who doesn’t want a massage on their period, or to have a partner make tea and bring them a heating pad? Maybe periods can become times when you all plan future dates, talk about fantasies in a low pressure environment, or just spend time together. That’s okay, too.

Q:

Watching your younger, 20-something queer friend make mistakes is stressing you out!

This feels ridiculous, but I’m in my mid-30’s & one of my close friends is in their mid-20’s. It feels like an intergenerational queer friendship! The things they are going through remind me a lot of what I was going though when I was 26. Ie, grappling with my relationships with men, how I’m perceived in the world, riding the high of social capital through social media, having a huge ego (thinness + youth + being so cute making me think we’re the center of everyone’s world), wanting to protect my comfort over acting in integrity for collective liberation, finding ways to justify all my problematic / fucked up beliefs, very resistant to change / other ways of thinking about things, building up resentment because of not communicating directly & blaming it on the other person…it’s a lot!… I know I need to set better boundaries, because I’ve found myself irritated, & some of those boundaries are internal, and some will be external. I’ve come to realize I need to let our relationship dynamic unfold as it needs to over time, and to be patient with them…but like, HOW??? Patience is a virtue I just don’t have yet! Tips please??

Summer: It’s understandable and frustrating to see someone making a lot of the errors you made. I think your annoyance comes from a good place of wanting the best for your friend. Even so, I feel that it’s best to approach these things gently.

When I think about what you’re feeling, the first sentence that comes to my mind is: they’re old enough to make their own mistakes.

Making mistakes and blundering around in our youthful energy is how many of us learned to live during our twenties. I’m about to exit my twenties and I’m honestly a little shocked at some of the things I used to get up to. And of course I thought I was being my most stable and level-headed self at the time. It all made sense in context. Part of your friend’s way of interacting with the world is simply living, growing, and making all the wonderful mistakes that come along. These are things they’ll have to pick through individually.

If you want a sense of empathy, consider remembering your not-so-great moments at that age. And the mistakes you made. And the ways you grew from those mistakes. We who have the benefit of hindsight find it easy to critique from the sidelines, but all we’re doing is telling people about better paths through life. And telling doesn’t always sink in. Sometimes, people need to be shown their errors via their own actions, and that’s not something we can do. Young adulthood is about taking the reins of your life. Even if you intend to ride it into a brick wall.

I think it would be helpful to set better boundaries for yourself to mitigate the frustration you’re feeling. I don’t believe in turning friends into projects to be parented or fixed. But in all of my friendships, I believe in making my involvement safe and enjoyable for my well-being. Try to separate their quirks and behaviors that affect you directly from the ways they annoy you when they’re living their life. Narrow your focus down to the ones that impact you so that your feelings don’t build into resentment, and target those first.

You’ve said you lack patience and believe me, I don’t have much either. But none of this requires patience because none of it requires waiting for something to happen. Softening your opinion of someone in the context of where they are in life and working on your boundaries? These are proactive steps you can take yourself. The patience involved in watching the results unfold will come naturally.

Q:

Will you keep growing apart from friends over and over, forever?

I have an issue that I’ve noticed recurring in my life, in which I grow apart from people. It has happened in platonic friendships and romantic partners; we get along very well when we meet, we’re on the same “wavelength” and experience the world in a compatible way…then over time, we grow in different directions. Over the years, our perspectives and values shift and are no longer compatible. It hurts, as there are people I love dearly who are no longer actively in my life. It’s like how love isn’t enough to keep people together…that doesn’t mean the love isn’t there, and I miss that love. I think with friendships it’s easier to keep people in your life but on a different level of friendship, but sometimes you have to break up.

Is this a sad reality of life? Do other people experience this? I feel like the frequency of my experience with it is less common, as it’s constantly happening. It kind of freaks me out, like I want to be married but how can someone commit to spending the rest of their life with another person, do you cross your fingers and hope you grow parallel?

Summer: This happened to me a lot during my late undergrad and early postgrad years. I saw the people who helped me enter adulthood drift from me and felt the pang of sadness at seeing them go. Some of them graduated out and left to pursue new lives. Others just… diverged from me in personality and what we needed from each other in our friendships. There was always some sadness.

You’re not the first person who experiences this, and you’re probably not experiencing it much more than anyone else. And this won’t demolish your life or deprive you of a happy life, either.

What may help is taking time to reflect on the drift in each of these relationships. Not to try and ‘solve’ the problem, but to see patterns in how you form connections. Ask yourself some questions:

• What life stages were we at when we first connected, and what life stages were we at when we disconnected? Was there a change?
• How many of these disconnections happened due to things beyond everyone’s control vs. things that we could have changed?
• How did things end? Is there a chance to reconnect and catch up a little? How do you think the other person feels about you?
• What kind of life stage am I in right now, and what kind of connections am I seeking?

As to long-term relationships… I think your fear of whether people can spend their whole lives in one relationship is well-warranted. Personal change ends many relationships. But I don’t think that’s insurmountable. Heteronormative scripts of love (monogamous, ends in marriage, life-long) have numerous points of failure. We don’t have to be bound by that script. You don’t need to meet someone who is perfectly compatible sexually, platonically, romantically, practically, financially, etc. Ethical non-monogamy gives us many ways to seek multiple people who meet our needs in their own ways. This can give us fulfillment while lightening the load for other partners.

Meanwhile, it is possible to just find one person who clicks perfectly and things stick. Things might stick because you two end up growing in a similar direction and always look out for each other. Or because the personal growth and life changes complement each other, even if they go in different directions. Or maybe you both just reach a point where you won’t change much more and can be the exact person the other needs forever.

Personal connections are fluid and compatibility is never simple. Even though I spend time worrying about where my very small circle will be next year, I try to enjoy the time I do have with each person. Sometimes, I’ll send a message to someone I’ve drifted from and ask how they’re doing. If we parted on neutral or good terms, the reconnection is usually welcomed. At worst, we spend some time catching up and wishing each other well (which brings things to a gentle close). Other times, a friendship has been rekindled. It’s all out of our control.

Kayla: Growing in different directions from people isn’t inherently a bad thing, but I understand your frustration with it happening so frequently. I’m wondering how friendships or relationships tend to begin for you and if there’s any kind of underlying pattern there that could possibly be broken. Do you mostly meet people through work? That can sometimes be tricky, because our work selves are not always our most authentic selves and it’s also difficult to screen for differences in values and priorities in a work setting sometimes. Do the differences that emerge and eventually lead to your “break ups” with people (romantically and platonically) come out of nowhere or build over time? I wonder if setting some intentions about the kinds of people and relationships you want to find and pursue in life could help. I tend to over-recommend journaling, but journaling can truly help a lot with what you’re dealing with I think — both in letting you see how relationships tend to begin in your life and how they end and perhaps learning from that and breaking any patterns that may be contributing to it.

Q:

You’ve come out as nonbinary in your 40’s, so how do you make more queer and trans friends?

I guess this is a variation on the eternal “how do you make friends in middle age” question, but the thing is that I have friends, they’re just all cis and mostly straight and I’ve just come out as nonbinary at age 46.

I’m very fortunate that my friends and acquaintances are almost entirely kind and supportive. But I don’t have anyone with whom I can compare my experiences, get advice or solidarity, or participate in activism and support of others. The only other enby/trans people I know are in books or on social media.

I’m in a big liberal city with a major LGBTQ+ social center, but its programming seems to be a) long-established groups, b) for youth, or c) for people interested in dating, which I’m not.

I would be happy with even something like a Discord server, except, again, everyone in existing spaces seems to be 20 years old and using ironic memes and pop culture references I can’t keep up with. I don’t know how to break into the clique.

Evidently, the rules are that you’re supposed to have come out when you were a teenager, or you’re supposed to have already built your queer community by the time you’re middle-aged, and I flunked those stages, so I’m out of luck.

I’ve finally finished with pretending to be cis. How can I meet and talk to other enby/trans people without pretending that I’m young and hip?

~Lonely Enby

Summer: I had a similar experience when I began transitioning at 25 and realized that trans support groups and communities were stacked with younger people or teens. My local university scene (which I was slowly aging out of) was inundated with 20 year olds who were raised on a steady diet of instagram and video calls. I felt out of place and still kinda do. It’s a lite version of what you’re going through, but what I’m saying is… yeah. Younger people are gayer than us and we sometimes feel left out.

I think part of my challenge (that might apply to you) is that I was seeking out specific LGBTQ+ oriented communities. On Discord. On Reddit. IRL. And it didn’t work out for me because the ‘central interest’ in those communities was queerness, and nobody wants to talk more about their queerness than those who are very young or very new to it. I found that queerness alone wasn’t enough to bind me to a social group.

What helped was finding queer-friendly interest communities. I hang around in quite a few tabletop RPG spaces and tabletop RPGs tend to lean queer-friendly. There, I can find people with similar interests from all ages. But they’re also willing to talk about queer life and being gay without issue. Special interests, hobbies, and activities often have demographic leanings. Tabletop wargames skew old and masculine. RPGs skew young adult and queer. I don’t even know what crochet communities and book clubs look like, but there are definitely queer-friendly ones out there.

My point is that… you might have more luck looking through your interests and seeing which ones align to your age. And then seek out explicitly queer-friendly Discord/Reddit/other communities with a primary focus on that interest group but a secondary focus on being cool and queer. That way, if you ever feel like the queer part isn’t holding your attention, you can fall back to the shared interest. If the shared interest doesn’t shine for you right now, then the people can still be cool to talk to.

Nico: Summer is spot on with her recommendations to try just meeting more people via your interests as opposed to through queer affiliate groups (unless that’s what you want to take part in). I just wanted to call out your wish to participate in “activism and support of others” because you are highly likely to find fellow queer / nonbinary / trans people in these spaces. Start looking around your city for places to get involved. If you, for example, volunteer to help with an event (a show, a craft market, whatever) that is raising funds for your local abortion fund, then you’re likely to meet queer people there. Keep doing this until you start to see more familiar faces. Connect on social media with folks, too. You might not get deep, intimate, 1:1 friendships out of this approach right away, but you’ll definitely connect with other folks and, I hope, start to feel more plugged in. You’re also likely to meet people of a variety of ages this way, too.

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