I don’t expect things like this, but she hasn’t even offered!

Q

I have a bit of an uncomfy money question. I saw a question like this recently but this is i guess more from the other side of it. Even though I’m always encouraging my friends to discuss money more, especially with their partners, I don’t always take my own advice all the time……classic! The context is: my girlfriend of a couple years makes twice as much money as me. I work for the county, and my job is good with solid benefits but doesn’t pay much, and my girlfriend works in medical sales. She works more hours than me but makes soooo much more than me. She also comes from money, and I very much do not. We live together and we don’t split things 50/50. She pays more of the bills than I do, and she usually pays when we go out to eat and things like that. But we also keep separate finances. Sometimes, it’s unclear if she even understands what the number in my bank account looks like.

Recently, my Macbook crashed. The county used to provide work laptops, but budget cuts and other things mean we only have access to work computers in the office and no mobile option. But I need a functional laptop at home for so many different things including, lol, applying for other jobs. I’ve been able to get by for a few weeks with just my phone and borrowing my gf’s laptop, but she’s on it a lot too and I can tell she’s a little annoyed about it, but at the same time, I’ve made it pretty clear I cannot afford to buy a new laptop right now, at least not without ending up in a super stressful situation. I know she could help me pay for a laptop, but I don’t want to ask her for that! But it feels a little off that she hasn’t offered! I think?! I don’t EXPECT things like that from her all the time, but I do know she could easily buy a new laptop on her salary. She hasn’t even offered to LEND me the money. She just seems to think I’ll eventually “break down” and get one, but I’m not being stubborn, I’m being practical. Or maybe it’s that she doesn’t understand why I need one when I don’t work from home like she often does? Should I just be direct with her about why I need one and why I can’t get one right now instead of just talking around it? Is it fair for me to want her help here?

A

Summer: I’ll talk about whether it’s fair for you to want her help in a situation like this. My answer is, drumroll please:

It depends.

Whether or not it’s okay for you to expect monetary help from her in your situation (which sucks) depends on the kind of precedents you’ve both set in the relationship. Is it established that you can lean on each other (or lean on her) monetarily when times are slim? Has she been okay with it in the past? If so, then I think expecting something might be reasonable. If that’s not the existing standard, then nah.

Every long-term relationship has to figure out how finances and resources have to be managed, especially when things get tight. There are relationships where all finances are separate and one person’s sinking should never affect the other person monetarily. In others, there’s an assumption that everyone can lean on anyone else for anything and expect to be made whole again later. It depends.

There’s also the complexity of her feelings on this. Which you might not know in more detail without talking to her about it. Does she already feel like she covers enough financially since she covers more bills and covers outings? Does she not have the same perspective about the value of the laptop and would come around if it was explained to her? These will have to be learned through conversation.

But in the meantime, I don’t see an option other than taking on more stress to fix shit (I feel this so much) or grinding through the hassle. Even then, I think you’d be more than correct to expect some emotional support from her while you’re stressed out. If you can’t get that, then there’s a bigger issue at play here.

Riese: This is sort of confusing to me because you can get pretty cheap laptops and I have no clue why she wouldn’t do that for you! I’ve gotten laptops for exes in similar situations even when I was struggling financially a lot. So I’m going to assume that you need a specific laptop that costs a lot, and not like a $300 laptop —  I think you could ask her for a loan and see how that goes, that wouldn’t be unfair, if you know she has savings and everything.

Autostraddle Decides: Bookshelves

Editor’s note: Hello it’s me, the editor, and I wanna say I LOVE QUESTIONS LIKE THIS — they’re so fun! So low-stakes! I mean, I want you to have the bookshelf of your dreams, that’s a very big deal to me, stakes are HIGH, but also low, you know? You too could let Autostraddle writers settle your low-stakes debates!! WOULD PERSONALLY LOVE. Think about it! Ok thanks bye!!

Q

Ok you lot are the only people I trust to make this call. I’m really counting on you. Here’s the deal – my girlfriend wants our bookshelves to be decorative (think short stacks of books with an object placed on top, objects in front of a row of books, framed art and knickknacks and EMPTY SPACE), and I want our bookshelves to be BOOKSHELVES (like at a library, where you can pull a book down to read it without needing to first remove the ship in a bottle from on top of it). Who’s right and why is it me? :)

A

Summer: Sigh.

The part of me who loves organization (which is most of me) believes that bookshelves are units of storage first and foremost. Utility should come first until utility is handled. Incidentals can follow.

But, it may be a cornerstone of her well-being to have a ‘nice’ or pleasant space. That can count for something. There is utility and function in keeping a space that brings you joy.

In our house, the person who is right is the one who bought the bookshelf. That would settle its usage pretty quickly for us.

Kayla: There is no right way to organize bookshelves, my friend. I learned this from my wife, who is a librarian. Now, you might think a librarian is the exact kind of person who would say there is a right way to approach bookshelf organization, but you’d be wrong! Shelf systems are personal; you do what works best for you. Now, you’re still left with a problem here because apparently what works best for you does not work best for your girlfriend. So you’re going to have to figure out a compromise, and I think you should approach the conversation NOT from a place of “this is the RIGHT way to do it” but from a place of “this is how I’d prefer to be able to access my books” place.

My wife and I have a mix of bookshelves actually — most of ours do not feature decorative items and are organized in a way you’re describing you’d prefer for yourself. They’re by author last name and by broad genre. But we also have two “mixed space” book cases. One is a decorative vintage cabinet with glass paneled doors, which houses our Stephen King collection as well as some decorative items. The other is a book case that matches our other three main book cases, but it stores a slightly random collection: a V.C. Andrews set, classics, a shelf for graphic narrative and YA, plays, vintage books, and extra copies of my the books written by my wife. It’s this shelf where we got a little more creative and have some decorative items, including taxidermy and knickknacks my wife was gifted on book tour, as well as some handmade items by us both. Our reasoning for choosing this case to display some items is that it’s generally our book case with the least “foot traffic.” Whereas our main fiction, nonfiction, and poetry cases get a lot of use and we’re constantly pulling books from them, this last case is less frequented, so it’s not an issue to occasionally move items. We also use the space ON TOP of all of our book cases for plants and decorative items, including coffee table books (since our actual coffee table is covered with our TBR piles). There’s a compromise for you and your girlfriend, I’m positive.

But take it from me, a writer married to a librarian and author: There is no RIGHT way to organize a bookshelf.

Valerie: I agree with Kayla, that it’s possible to have a mix here. High-traffic shelves or TBR shelves are likely best to be kept free and clear but some decorative shelves would be cute as heck. I also have a vintage bookshelf with glass doors, and the bottom few shelves are organized and neat and very bookshelf-y, but the top shelf and the top of the bookcase itself is very decorative (okay it’s a shrine to Buffy the Vampire Slayer) with books propped up to display their covers and candles and Funko Pops and other knickknacks on display. I also have two other bookshelves, one that is books only, and one that is books, vibes and a dream. I think your two styles can live in harmony!!

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