How do you talk to a friend about what you think is holding them back?

Q:

Dealing with this is kinda tricky. I know modern dating can be a real mess. I have a friend who’s super cool and fun, but for some reason, they just can’t seem to get past dating into a relationship, and I think I know exactly why but it’s so awkward to bring up. Their place is disgusting and they smell kinda off.

Sometimes things fizzle after a first or second date, but even dating situations with people they’re excited about who they see for a few weeks or a month or two seem to fizzle out in a way that I can’t help but suspect it’s related to the first time these people see my friend’s place. I mean, it’s not quite hoarder status, but it’s definitely not clean. There’s dirty dishes, trash cans that need to go out, clothes on the floor, a really gross grimey bathroom, and their cat’s litter box and hair situation is a nightmare. Sometimes their clothes even have this funky smell that I’m pretty sure is coming from their apartment. It’s definitely not a place I’d feel comfortable bringing someone back to, let alone getting intimate.

I’ve talked it over with my therapist, and I get that there might be some mental health stuff going on here. But as a friend, I feel like I should say something. Problem is, they seem totally clueless about how bad it is. I’m just not sure how to bring it up without hurting their feelings or making things awkward between us. Any tips on how to tackle this convo?

A:

Kayla: I agree with your therapist that there could very well be some mental health things going on. Does the state of your friend’s apartment appear different than it used to? Or has it always been this way? I do not think you should tell them this is causing problems in their dating life. If you’re worried about your friend and what the state of their place could mean for their mental health, then I think you can approach things by asking how they’re doing, talking to them, listening to them. Coming in hot by saying there’s something wrong with their place isn’t going to lead to anything good I don’t think. Telling someone they smell “off” also can have all sorts of classist, racist, etc. undertones even if unintended. Cleanliness in general is a tricky subject to broach without offending people —and often, rightfully so. Does your friend seem oblivious to the mess or do they say things about how they wish they had more time/energy/etc to clean? If the latter, you can always offer to do small tasks like take out the trash when there and go from there. But if it’s not really something they’re bringing it up, I think you bringing it up could go sideways quickly.

Summer: Oof, this one’s not easy. Lapses in hygiene often happen due to stress or mental health difficulties and I’m glad you see that. The good news is, you’re not the first person to feel like this conversation is relevant. If you want to have this convo, then you first need to decide:

• Is it impacting you enough to open up the topic? If you’re personally affected, it’s easier to build a bridge of empathy to them without making it some out-of-the-blue.
• Is your friendship one where this would be appropriate? Basically, does your friendship normally have space for personal discussions, close listening and advice-giving? Having a pre-existing framework of that makes this convo far more appropriate.
• Have they solicited advice? If they’ve actively asked what might be wrong, or asked for advice about improving their dating and personal environment, then that’s a green light to approach the topic. Even if the topic is difficult, people who’ve asked for advice are more accepting of it. This doesn’t mean they must solicit advice before you approach. But it’s helpful if they do.

I’d say if you can safely answer ‘yes’ to two of those questions, then you can proceed without guilt. If you only have a ‘yes’ answer for one or less, then the relationship might not be one where it’s appropriate to do this. Unless it’s an impending disaster.

If you do tackle the topic, my pointers are:

• Be apologetic for the distress caused. You’re not doing anything ‘wrong’ here, but it pays to recognize that they probably won’t feel good as a result of your actions. Even if it’s important.
• Sandwich bad feedback between positive affirmation liberally. It works in meetings and it works here. Don’t turn the convo into a deluge of how awful their living habits and personal hygiene are. Discuss it alongside their positive traits. Frame the talk in the context of you wanting to help them out. Highlight their positive qualities.
• Framing. When addressing a personal issue like this, DO NOT present it as a core failing of their person. Or present it as something innate to them. Frame it as a challenge that you’re willing to help with. Frame it as ‘us vs. problem’, not ‘you vs. everyone else’.
• Be available to listen or assist. Too often, we ‘talk’ to our friends about personal issues but basically give them a presentation of their shortcomings and vanish. Show your friend that you care by leaving the way open for them to talk to you. Leave room for them to ask for help. Offer assistance in cleaning if you can. If it turns out that they need a team in their life to help out, be on that team. Try not to be a critic who just vanishes.

Other than that… yeah, good luck. Tough one, but lots of people have done it. You can do it too.

Need media to self-soothe while going through a queer friend breakup?

Q:

Hello! I am going through an emotionally significant queer friend break up (which after a lot of thought and journalling I initiated). Ive been reading through your excellent exisiting articles on friendship and break ups and have found both archives really helpful and reassuring. Incidentally, I loved the films recommendations list you published within your excellent divorce week content. I was wondering if you maybe please had any recommedations of films/tv shows/books that include ending/changing friendships? I’ll also happily consider any general advice or wisdom in this area. Thank you!

A:

Riese: I would highly recommend this really excellent anthology from the mid-2000s called The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women’s True Life Tales of Friendships That Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away, edited by Jenny Offill and Elissa Schappel. Also if you haven’t already seen it; check out the one sole season of My So-Called Life, which’s really full of quality friendship breakup/evolution content. I also thought about the movie Me Without You a lot when coping with a temporary friendship breakup, but it’s been a minute so I’m not sure how good it is.

Summer: In terms of guidance, I’d say that the best thing you can do is to treat your feelings with the gravity they deserve. We spill a lot of ink over how to move on after a relationship ends because relationships are held up as an ultimate social goal. Ending a friendship can be at least as serious as ending a relationship. Sometimes more so precisely because it’s not treated with the same gravity, but the pain is still palpably real. 

I don’t think you’d be off-base to follow the same patterns you would after any other emotionally significant event. That means taking time for yourself (which you’ve done), committing happy moments to places of honor in memory, and reflecting on bad events. The last one matters because as with break-ups, we can torture ourselves with all the good we lost in a person and thinking about the flaws in that person and our relationship with them can keep us grounded in reality. It keeps our perspective realistic and balanced while we essentially grieve.

Is your couple’s therapist out of line?

Q:

I love my wife and I love our marriage of nine years and our two kids. We’ve been in couples therapy for two years, no big problems prompted it, just generally thinking it’s a good practice to be in. Our therapist moved and for the past six months we’ve been seeing someone new. We told our new therapist the truth, that since having kids, we rarely have sex anymore (a few times a year, at most, but have gone a full year without before), but that it doesn’t bother us and we’re both happy anyhow. But this new therapist is really determined that without the intimacy of sex, our relationship is going to suffer! Are we wrong? Is she wrong? Should we get a new therapist?

A:

Nico: Not all therapists are created equal! I’ve had some truly bad ones who definitely imposed their own opinions on me based on assumptions they made and biases they had, therapists who’ve tried to be friends or pushed boundaries — all of these things you think someone won’t do because they’re a professional can and do in fact occur. I would try being firm with her next time about this, but if this person keeps this up or even if you just no longer feel comfortable working with her, I think it’s a pretty good idea to chat with your wife about this issue and start the hunt for a new therapist, as annoying as that can be. You don’t mention why you’re there in the first place, but therapy isn’t supposed to be causing more stress because the therapist isn’t respecting your honest to goddess truth. Maybe it’s time to take a break from therapy for a bit and keep an eye out for a new therapist for a few months from now. The time might be better spent just taking a break and eating ice cream together outside and catching up, or whatever brings you two a little restoration and joy.

Kayla: You’re not wrong about your own feelings! Not all relationships require sex if it’s not a priority for either person and if you’re both happy. It’s a little weird a therapist is imposing this narrow view of sexuality and relationships on you, and I recommend starting by pushing back and saying you’d like her to focus on other things (like fostering intimacy outside of sex —or whatever it is you’re wanting to talk about or work on!). If she still is pushing, it might be best to find a new therapist. I had to break up with a therapist one time who was bizarrely pushing polyamory on me even though I was very clear about not wanting to pursue polyamory. Finding a new therapist ended up being the right route for me.

Summer: I’ve received training in therapeutic practice as part of my long stint in psychology and I think this is a cut-and-dry situation. One of the most important tenets of good, contemporary therapy is respecting client self-determination. Outside of severe, pathological situations, the client is presumed to be the expert on their life and should be allowed to guide the therapeutic process. Doubly so if there are two clients and they agree with each other. Part of couple’s therapy is identifying and working with points of rapport in the couple. If you as the couple have agreed that less sex is fine, then they should be working with that, not imposing their views on the therapeutic process and causing actual discontent with the clients.

I’m guessing you’ve assured your therapist that not having much sex is fine and works for you. Which should be enough, and should be seen as a positive quality — it means the couple is sexually satisfied with each other and has consensus in this part of life. Great.

I think you’re rightfully frustrated that the therapist is pressing this issue a bit and making presumptions about the future of your relationship based on her opinions of sex. Whereas I think you’d benefit from this therapist working in the context of your relationship’s. If I’m being charitable, I think the therapist is trying to challenge your held opinions of how your relationship works. This can be valid when used to dislodge potentially harmful thought patterns or encourage reflection. But if you’re writing to us, it’s clear that it’s more annoying than beneficial.

I think this situation should be discussed with your wife. I think it’s important that as a couple, you establish a consensus and work through what you think about the situation on your terms. And if it comes up again in therapy, I think you should present your opinions and discomfort. How your therapist responds would inform your decision to continue or find an alternative.

Therapy should be a space where you can address challenges and conflicts. I know a lot of therapists and counselors don’t want to hear it, but that includes them. They’re people too. They’re experts in many areas, but they are not the definitive expert on your internal state.

Who’s all gay in Pittsburgh, PA?

Q:

Hello! Question for Nico here. My partner (they/them) and I (she/her) are moving to Pittsburgh this summer, and we would love any/all tips or ideas about queer community and events there! We’re in our early 30s and starting jobs at Pitt. We’re not huge partiers, but we love to dance. We’re also really interested in mutual aid and giving back to our community.

A few additional details in case they’re helpful: My partner loves to sing and would love to be involve with community theater or a chorus. I’m a big crafter and also am into Magic the Gathering and ttrpgs. We’re both big readers and especially like fantasy.

Also, we love Untethered! It’s been really cool to get a little insight into the queer scene in Pittsburgh.

A:

Nico: This is so sweet and a really fun question to dig into! Pittsburgh is decently queer, in my opinion, so I hope you’ll be able to make yourself at home here. Here’s a list getting into some specifics you asked for!

• When you said singing, I immediately thought of the Pittsburgh Labor Choir!
• And for dancing, you’ll want to follow Jellyfish, the queer Italo-Disco DJ Duo who both host and can be found at queer dance parties and events.
• For an all around great (but also, like, completely packed like sardines packed) fun and sapphic night, follow Steel Carabiner which is the bi-monthly dyke night at an otherwise cis-dude-centric, but chill, gay bar.
• For mutual aid, you’ll want to download the Signal app as a lot of organizing happens on there. Sometimes these chats are also large, unwieldy, prone to drama. Good luck. Pittsburgh however has a decent mutual aid scene IMO, and as a place to start, Food Not Bombs is pretty active, and there are several cooperating abortion access / advocacy and funding groups like the Abortion Defense Committee.
• Pittsburgh Lesbian Correspondents and QBurgh both publish local queer news.
• It feels like everyone and their polycule has a D&D game or ttrpg going around here, so I am sure you’ll be able to find like-minded folks once you start getting to meet and know people. It looks like Harold’s Haunt, a local witchy “They Bar,” has a Gayme Night, so perhaps that’s a good place to check out!
• For books, check out The Big Idea (a friend of mine is the new book buyer there, and they also have a lot of scifi / fantasy used books) and also Fungus Books.
• Finally, theater! There’s a lot of theater happening in Pittsburgh, but for community theater that is campy and gay and weird and accessible — Glitterbox. Also, apparently there’s a Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament happening?
• Bloomfield is the kind of unofficial gayborhood, but you’ll find queer folks all over, too. Penn Ave in Bloomfield / Garfield has a First Friday art walk that’ll be good to check out in warmer months. The Allentown Night Market is like a biannual…gathering of goths? And Pittsburgh’s Polish Hill neighborhood remains full of punks in spite of gentrification, hosts a lovely May Day parade each year as well as an arts festival each September where you may catch a polka band as well as neat vendors!
• For craft-enthusiasts, there are also queer craft markets.
• And of course, here’s the Pittsburgh Palestine Coalition.

I’m sure, also, that with working at Pitt you’ll both be abreast of any academia-centric queer stuff, which I also believe there’s a decent amount of. Best of luck and maybe shoot me a message on Insta when you’re in town!

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