I keep hoping it’ll just die down, but what should I do here? What would you do??
Q:
Hello! I’ve been out for most of my adult life and my very large, very close-knit extended family has always seemed very chill and normal about me being a lesbian. No one’s ever said anything rude or coded (at least to my/my immediate family’s face?) — and they’re all pretty liberal except for one of my aunts’ family who are really into Fox News, but they tend to keep it quiet at bigger family things because they know the rest of us don’t roll that way. Still, they’ve always been very supportive of our family.
Which is why what happened recently has baffled me and my wife. We dressed up our daughter (3 yrs) in a campy little outfit and took her to an all-ages drag brunch. She loved it and the queens loved her right back, so we took some really cute pictures of them posing with her and having the best time. I didn’t think anything of posting the pictures on Instagram later that day, since I have a private account and only friends and family are following me. Then the fox news aunt texted me, asking if we’d really taken our daughter to a drag event or if it was an AI-generated picture? I honestly thought she was joking, because that is a patently ridiculous thing to ask someone, and responded with “LOL no AI here! I wouldn’t even know how!” The next morning her daughter, my cousin, texted to ask if we were the only people at the show with a toddler. I thought she was just curious about the event, so I told her that it was an all-ages show and there were a lot of kids there, but (and this is where it went off the rails) that the drag queens were obsessed with our daughter that day and didn’t spend as much time taking pictures with the other kids. Just typical bragging from a mom! And I was obviously using “obsessed” hyperbolically. Within minutes she CALLED ME sounding very worried, I’d even say panicked, asking if anyone at the venue had done background checks on these queens before letting them “manhandle” small children in dresses. I was stunned and said that I actually didn’t know the answer to that, but that we weren’t worried about it all. I told her it was perfectly normal and fine, that my wife and I didn’t get any weird read on the queens, and that everything was super professional. I ended the call pretty quickly, but the next time I saw them at a Sunday dinner they told me about how to get a list of sex offenders in my neighborhood? I was like okay thanks? I just feel so confused and judged.
I keep hoping it will just die down, but what should I do here? What would you do? Should I not post pictures of our family doing queer-adjacent things anymore? My wife has absolutely had it and has skipped Sunday dinners with my family for the last two weekends. I feel so crazy that I’ve had this secret fight with a family member that the rest of the family doesn’t know about. I don’t like conflict but I’ll still defend myself if I need to, I’ve just never needed to with them before.
A:
Summer: Oooooookay. So it sounds like the Fox News side of the family is deeper in the sauce than they’d let out on the surface. Which is typical, because the views we verbally espouse are generally only the tip-of-the-iceberg for our belief systems. You can generally assume that people’s views are more intense than what they’re willing to say in polite company. In this case, it seems to be a gulf between ‘they’re Fox News-y but polite’ and ‘Oh. They think drag is a cult of child molestation.’
Horrible as it is, they’re expressing their concern for your child’s safety in accordance with their belief systems. I think their belief systems are fundamentally flawed, ignorant of real world data, and frankly a bit stupid. But they’re hanging onto them and you’re getting the receiving end of that.
What can you do? I’m not sure. I do think that you’d be wasting your time trying to explain your reality to them at the moment. Because the situation is emotionally charged and they’re currently in a very… goal-driven and emotionally intense mindset, shall we say. I understand your wife being super pissed off because it is just a showcase of the depths of that extended family’s prejudice and ignorance. In a way that affects your parenting and friendship.
I don’t think you should stop posting about your family doing queer-adjacent things. Because I don’t believe that acquiescing to this kind of stupid is good, unless you are truly uncomfortable with them seeing. If you trust your closer loved ones, this might be worth discussing with them to get some emotional support, but also beware that it might get out and get… volatile.
What you should definitely do is, irrespective of your Fox News aunt’s opinions, support your wife and child. Look to their well-being, talk things out together, and roll with things as they happen.
And uh… good luck.
Nico: Unfortunately, a lot of those culture war Fox News right wingers are addicted to the cycle at this point. Breaking them out of it is equivalent to deprogramming someone from a cult, an enterprise that isn’t usually successful. The most you can do is stand your ground, limit contact as you see fit, and care for your loved ones. Maybe you need to restrict these two on social media. One thing I’ve done with relatives is allow them to follow me, but then hide my stories from them. They can see any grid posts, but then I leave my stories free for whatever I want to post. Since your account is small and private, this might be a good tactic so as to give them less fuel.
To the point of the drag queens needing background checks, much like anyone else who works in an environment where parents or guardians are expected to be present with any minors, they don’t need them. This isn’t legal advice and I’m not a lawyer, but from being someone who has had to be background checked for certain environments, including some strict checks, those only come up when you are being left alone with vulnerable populations. Servers, flight attendants, anyone else who might come into contact with kids who are with adult caregivers — they do not need background checks or clearances because the caregiver in that situation is supervising.
I don’t know WHAT to make of the AI thing, but the sex offender registry is a wild one. If you wanted to be a bit biting, you could ask them what they think of sex offenders, and then when they tell you, remind them that Trump is certainly one. That’s obviously not necessary and please actually just do whatever is in your comfort zone, but it’s a retort I’ve enjoyed using. It usually just results in anger and denial, though, by the way.
Finally, are there other family members you can trust about this “secret fight”? If it feels safe (emotionally and otherwise) to do so, you certainly don’t deserve to be secretly bullied by a family member. Do you have allies in the family you can reach out to, even just to be reassured that they have you and your wife and your kid’s backs? Your aunt’s (and cousin’s) beliefs are likely also not so secret, and if you have anyone on your side, they may have already felt some tension on your behalf.
Good on you for being ready to stick up for your family. No one wants to live like this, but I just want you to know you’re not alone.
Definitely not a pubic hair hater, but this is a real mouthful.
Q:
Can I ask my girlfriend to trim her bush? I’m definitely not a pubic hair hater, I actually prefer it when my partner doesn’t shave and I don’t get rid of mine either, I just trim and shave on the sides. But she’s very all natural everywhere and she’s really really hairy and it’s hard to get in there when I’m going down on her without getting a mouthful of hair. She’s said before that she used to trim and shave, but then stopped because the stubble was so itchy, she even made a comment about like, if it was that itchy for her she can’t imagine what it would feel like on someone’s face, that it’s better softer. There’s just so much of it, I feel like I am in the forest. But I don’t want to ask her something that might make her self-conscious or insecure or feel like I’m not attracted to her or that I’ve been upset all this time.
A:
Summer: I empathize with wanting to adjust pubic hair (yours or others), often for practical reasons. I equally understand that when asking this of a partner, it can be very sensitive.
If you want to make this request of her, I think it’s imperative to position the practical issue it presents to sexual enjoyment. Namely that you don’t want to floss, exfoliate, and dine out at the same time. Emphasizing that it’s about sexual enjoyment and would help you enjoy sex more would put some distance between the topic and potential sensitivities. Also note that it’s about improving an already enjoyable act, rather than the horrible idea of you making yourself do something you don’t like.
Whatever you do, it’ll have to happen within her comfort zone, but there are ways to clarify your intentions and interests. You’ll also have to understand that she’ll have a right to decline or even react strongly. That’s just the nature of the issue, if people feel strongly about it.
Nico: It sounds like you two kind of already have a rapport about this, so I honestly hope that you can have a conversation about the practicalities. Obviously, she doesn’t like shaving, so I wouldn’t ask her to do that, but you can bring up, when you are both feeling comfortable, that hey, you love going down on her, but sometimes you wish you could really concentrate on the job without having to pull hair out of the way, and would she want to try trimming a little before your next date night? Like Summer said, framing this in practicality is important. I also think it’s great to frame it in terms of desire and the sensuality you share, like you did in your question. Timing is everything. Try to pick a moment where you’re relaxed, maybe even cuddling, so that the conversation can feel light, connected, sexy even. And if she says no — welp, it’s not the end of the world, right?
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