How Long Am I Supposed to Keep This Up?

Q

I know you’ve given some advice about how to be friends with exes and how it’s okay if you don’t want to stay friends, but what if you’re the one who wants to be friends and the other person isn’t interested?

Obviously, I’m gonna respect their boundaries and leave them alone, but in classic queer fashion we have tons of mutual friends. Our respective best friends are dating each other! We’re gonna keep running into each other! They’ve said they don’t want to see me, but I don’t know how much responsibility I have there. I can try to avoid them, but do I need to miss out on events because I know they’ll be there? Do I need to keep telling people to warn them when I’m going to be attending something?

I kind of feel like, since they’re the one who wants nothing to do with me and I would rather be friends, it’s up to them to figure it out and I should just keep living my life without considering them. But I also feel guilty because I was the one who ended things and they took it really hard.

Is there any way to be in a social hangout with someone while still respecting their needs, or am I just trying to have my cake and eat it too? I keep feeling like I’m the bad guy in this situation, so then I put what I want away and follow their lead. But we were friends first, and only dated for a few months, so I don’t know how long I’m supposed to keep this up (it’s been a month now). And it hurts that they are only interested in me when dating is on the table, because people I try to make friends with often lose interest when they realize I won’t date them. I’m not looking for us to be besties, but there has to be a way for us to at least be civil and tolerate each other, right?

A

Summer: The first part is easy: friendships should be mutual, so if one side doesn’t want to be friends, you can’t realistically have a friendship. As to the practicalities of making that happen in a friend group… I think you’d be within your rights to continue being with your shared friends while giving your ex space. The relationship was all that ended. You’re not required to draw factional lines in your friend group and lay claim to people. Nobody owns the friends in your group, so there’s nothing wrong with going to events and existing as yourself. If that does cause your ex discomfort, that’s something you will have to navigate with them together.

If you want to alleviate some of the am-I-an-asshole feelings, I think a good approach is to keep living your life with your friends, while being observant of your ex and making sure they aren’t completely pushed out. You’re entitled to a healthy social life, but there’s room to balance everyone’s feelings, I think. And keep in mind that it wouldn’t be fair of your ex to ask you to see your friends less in the wake of a breakup because post-breakup is when we need support the most.

Nico: I think there’s also a lot of distance between “being civil” and “being friends.” As long as you’re not outright feuding enemies when you encounter each other in public, hopefully you can both keep your distance, be polite, and make the encounter as uncomplicated for everyone involved as possible. I agree that it’s unfair to expect you to give up socializing or your shared friends, and the same goes for your ex. I do think that in a situation like this where it’s just a breakup, presuming that there’s no abuse or anything like that, then the onus is on the person who doesn’t want to see their ex to see themselves out if they really can’t be in the same room with them. It’s not a boundary to say you don’t want to see someone and then to expect them to stay home and avoid gatherings in order to see to your comfort — that’s a command. Of course, if there are situations where it makes sense for you to opt out to keep the peace, you can trust your discretion when it comes to that. You haven’t mentioned your friends taking sides, so that is also good, and truly, if you only dated for a few months, hopefully the pain they feel will subside with time.

Now, as for when you do run into them. Since they said they don’t want to see or talk to you or be friends, it’s best not to initiate conversation. A quiet nod of acknowledgment is totally fine, but you don’t need to ask them how they are or anything. As far as feeling bad, I really do think that we as communities and friend groups can work on keeping people in community and not isolating folks after romantic breakups, so I hope you won’t feel guilty that you want to continue to live your life even though you broke up with someone. I also hope that if you notice your ex being isolated, that you can bring this up with mutual friends to gently encourage their continued inclusion (in so much as they want this). Breakups happen and it was better for you to end things, rather than continue a relationship that could have made the two of you really unhappy.

As for feeling hurt that someone doesn’t find value in being friends with you after the romantic side of your relationship has ended — that’s real. It sucks and can be kind of dehumanizing when someone only views you as dating material and not, well, a whole person — if that is even what is happening. It’s also possible that this isn’t part of a larger pattern and that your ex is just really hurt and disappointed and unable or uninterested in trying to push past that hurt in order to be friends. I wouldn’t read too, too much into, to be honest, but instead just focus on healing and moving forward.

Am I The Victim Of a Rampant Flirter or an Object of Her Affection?

Q

I have a bisexual friend whom I’ve known for about four years and met through mutual friends. From the very beginning, she’s always been a little flirty with me (e.g. at one of the first times we met, she looked me up and down and went, “heyyyy what’s up”) but those interactions have only ever been limited to group settings. I’ll admit that when we first met, I did not really process her flirting because I chalked it up to her general personality (she’s the kind of person who will kiss some of her friends when they’re out dancing – consensually of course). However, lately, I’m not sure.

She continues to flirt occasionally and points out that she finds me attractive. Recently, she told me that she had mistaken her ex-boyfriend’s name for mine several times when they were together. When I teasingly asked her if there was something we needed to discuss in light of that revelation, she brushed me off by saying, “you and I know what this is about and we don’t have to talk about it”. Even in the face of all of this, she’s never made any moves to ask me out. The attention is nice, but I’ve never initiated anything because I didn’t take any of her flirting seriously and didn’t want to set myself up for failure in the absence of more explicit advances. We also weren’t in the same stage of life when we first met.

I also consider myself someone who is slow on the uptake in terms of realizing when someone is interested, unless they explicitly ask me out, or send a text along the lines of, “I like you, do you want to go out?” I’m working on paying closer attention to my emotions and other people, but I don’t think I’ve quite got the hang of it yet. But this friendship dynamic is confusing enough to me that I’m considering sitting her down and asking for some clarification.

Am I an idiot and this person has been trying to get my attention for years, or am I reading too much into this and need to let it be?

Sincerely, Confused Lesbian

A

Summer: Sapphic flirting is complex at the best of times, but even my autistic ass would process this as flirting. At least, this much stuff over the years? I think it’s flirting of some kind. And keep in mind that if a person has a flirty personality and aims it at you, that is also flirting. There’s room here to ask her on a date and gauge her response. Just make it clear that you want it to be a date. There’s also room to ask for clarification, but since lots of flirtation often speaks to a feather-light touch that can be avoidant of direct conversation, you may not get the answers you want if you are super direct. I think it’s flirting, though.

Eva: As a bi/pan girl who never knows how to flirt with girls and still struggles with comphet, tell her what’s up. I didn’t have my first relationship with a woman until I started getting more explicit attention from sapphics that helped improve my confidence in those situations. I think a lot of bi girls find ourselves in strange waters because there’s this culture in the sapphic community that if you have a history of dating cis men, then you must want them more than anyone else. That’s not the case, but those types of accusations lead to girls either staying in the perceived comfort zone of dating men or working overtime to “prove” themselves as truly queer. Either option leads to damage for said bi girl and anyone that she ends up dating. What’s helped me interpersonally break down this dilemma is when a sapphic I’m potentially interested in is upfront about her flirting which helps me know to dive in as well.

I might be projecting a bit in the above section, but for your specific case, I still think being upfront is best. If she is someone who just wants your attention to feel good about herself, it’s good to know now rather than waiting around. If she wants something real with you, then that’s even better.

Also I do not think you are reading too much into it. Your feelings are valid. Honor them.

Nico: I think you should totally be able to ask for clarification on this. It sounds like it’s definitely flirting, but is she flirting because she wants to date, because she thinks you’re attractive but wants to remain friends, just because she likes to flirt, or for some other reason! Definitely be prepared for her to not want to date, but it sounds like she’s certainly never going to be straightforward, so that leaves it up to you, my friend. Like my colleagues above, I do not think you’re reading too much into it, that this is definitely flirting, and that the real questions here are about the why behind your friend’s flirting. Wishing you tons of luck!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!