I don’t know how to approach this at all.

Q:

My close friend has recently gotten sober and we’re all really happy for them. They said they were okay with being around us when we’re all drinking, but it definitely didn’t actually feel that way. It was little questions like, “are you driving?” when someone got a second drink or “wow I can’t believe I used to drink this much,” “how many drinks is that?”, stuff like that, then texting the group chat the next morning at 6am that they’re on a run to make us feel bad about being hungover. They were always pushing us to leave the bar to go back to someone’s house. To be honest with you, I’m also struggling with the situation that it actually is less fun to be out when they’re there, we don’t have that “another shot?” camaraderie anymore.

I told them that these comments are making others feel weird and self-conscious about drinking and they got really defensive and basically said in so many words, “that’s on you,” but then apologized later, said they talked to their sponsor about it and realized they’re not ready to be around drinking all the time. So that seemed okay, but now they’ve started proposing “sober hangs” and some of these are normal (going to a movie) and some are just hangs that could involve alcohol, but they want the rest of us to be sober (like going out to dinner or going to a basketball game). As I write this I’m wondering if we DO have a problem lol, because even when I say that I am thinking that probably we’d just cheat by meeting up to drink before dinner. I guess I don’t know what I’m asking. There are like ten of us in this friend group it just feels weird that the one sober person gets to decide that nobody else can drink at dinner? Am I wrong to think they should try making sober friends? I don’t know how to approach this at all.

A:

Summer: Hi. I’m the designated non-drinker in every social gathering.

So, drinking culture and the normalization of alcohol is pretty complex. It’s safe to say in many Western societies, there’s a presumption that people consume alcohol. It’s assumed and considered normal. In those societies, the people who don’t drink alcohol at a gathering are the odd ones.

Drinking culture and the pressure to drink alcohol is also pervasive. Alcohol is advertised. It’s positioned as taboo and illegal if you’re underage, and normal once you’re of age. It has a place in rites of passage, religious and otherwise – I’m looking at you, freshers who butt-chug a liter of beer and need hospitalization. People often go through phases of binge-drinking during certain times in their life. Like young adulthood. Alcohol consumption is so normalized that it has co-opted the very term drinking to mean drink alcohol. See: ‘I don’t drink’; ‘that’s a heavy drinker’. And for a lot of people, this becomes harmful.

What you’re experiencing is the friction between a consensus of normalized alcohol use (your friend group) and a person who has extricated themselves from that, but is quite vocal about it. Your mutual, sober friend is, strangely, in the minority position here where they feel strongly about a topic that impacts them and want to express it against the status quo. Which is normalized drinking. When they do that, it can come off as judgemental or brash, because in some ways, they are imposing their beliefs and desires onto the whole. They may have valid reasons to do so, but it’s still going to rub people the wrong way.

Meanwhile, the friend group is also a living example of why alcohol consumption doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s a part of socialization, friendship, and enjoyment. It’s an act that is neither good nor bad. Most of all, people find it enjoyable. So your friend group is experiencing these remarks as judgemental, and an intrusion on how the friend group works.

I can keep rationalizing, but the point is… I think both sides have valid points. I did my Master’s in substance use and I am incredibly supportive of anyone who realized they had a problem and put in the work to extract themselves from it. It’s immensely difficult with alcohol because unlike many narcotics, alcohol isn’t just legal, it’s often encouraged. Alcoholics have an incredible relapse rate because they’re surrounded by their old substance of choice and it’s sold legally almost everywhere. Like, at least a former crack user doesn’t have to drive to work and see a billboard selling the thing that wrecked them.

But your friend group drinks as part of socializing and enjoys it. And it doesn’t enjoy being pressed on the issue by someone who wants to turn things in another direction.

As to where this can go… I’m biased, but I think your sober friend should be given some space to talk about what they’ve learned in their recovery process. A space where they feel safe to explain and outline their points without feeling like they’re talking at a bigger, unmoving monolith. It’s important to listen. But equally, you and your friends have to understand that if you can’t find agreement on this, it may be best to put some distance between you and your sober friend. Especially if your sober friend’s recovery is dependent on not being around alcohol (as is the case with many recovering alcoholics).

Nico: So, I have had friends go sober and then express that they are “fine” around drinking. This quickly, usually, winds up not being the case. It’s hard for sober people to hang with people who are drinking sometimes, and I think, especially when first getting used to it. So, it’s not surprising your friend had this realization.

While I think their behavior in policing what other people are doing isn’t really cool (as I tend to be a harm-reduction-based person about substances), it probably comes from a place of discomfort with their own sobriety. You mention that they should try making sober friends, but should they really have to make an entire new friend group if y’all really are friends? I do think that perhaps “sober dinner” is a bit of a stretch and is asking other people to conform to one person’s desires for a social event. Because, for example, for many, part of going out to dinner is having a fun cocktail or other drink. So, that might not be the best example of a sober hang, and I think you can totally push back on that because I do see your side here.

But! All is not lost! You can propose Truly Sober Hangs because, as you said, a lot of these seem perhaps like things at which you would normally drink but where the friend wants to police others’ activities and declare it a sober hang instead. Is it time, then, to support your newly sober friend by doing something fun and active that pretty much needs to be sober? Theme park, arduous hike, whitewater rafting (definitely do this sober and safely and with guides!), mini golf, mushroom hunting, chess tournament at a coffee shop, swimming at a place that is a far drive, attend a class together?

Finally, I think it’s also okay to reopen the conversation about what actually is comfortable for your friend — and for you. It sounds like you haven’t had any check-in’s since they said they couldn’t really be around drinking right now. It’s totally okay to ask them if they want to talk about it. It’s also okay to share if you’ve felt uncomfortable or shamed. Part of supporting them in their journey is being open to having talks that can feel icky, because no one wants to talk about having a problem, but like, also, it’s so common that at the end of the day — who could possibly judge?

And that gets to the end of your question. Drinking culture is really pervasive, as Summer points out. Sobriety can be infectious. If your friend has made you question your own drinking habits or make you feel like you want to cut back a little, then why not at least explore that a little in your thoughts? There’s no shame in re-examining your relationship to the status quo — in your friend group or in society at large.

Riese: I think Nico and Summer answered your question about your friends and friend group excellently so I don’t think I have anything I could add there, besides to prioritize the sober hangs you feel aligned with (like movies) so they don’t feel left out of the rest of the things y’all are doing not-soberly. I guess I just wanted to chime in with a take on what seems like some self-reflection in this question about your own drinking. I actually wrote an entire essay about this that I never published BUT in sum — when my girlfriend first got sober I had similar questions about myself — why was I so horrified and panicked by the idea of having sober dinners and no longer engaging in the wild binge drinking parties we had with our friend group every weekend? She’s actually truly one of those people who is both sober and happy to hang with people who aren’t sober, but we obviously spend a lot of one-on-one time together and if she was gonna be sober during those times, I wasn’t gonna be drinking, and I was unhappy about that possibility. So I stopped drinking for around nine months so I could find answers to those questions and better understand my relationship to drinking and how I used it — when was I drinking to soothe anxiety or to escape, and when was I drinking to enhance joy and have fun with my friends? When was I drinking out of habit or routine? Now I have a much different relationship to drinking than I did before that total sobriety period, and I was also better able to support my girlfriend in her early sobriety when I wasn’t projecting my own issues onto her. So I don’t know, I guess what I’m saying is — maybe give a sober basketball game a whirl and see how it feels? I like Nico’s suggestion of other activities, too. Maybe this could be an opportunity to figure out what you actually like to do with your friends and what you only like to do because it involves drinking. You don’t have to be an alcoholic to want to change your relationship to alcohol. (Also I obviously don’t know your body size, but if you’re having two drinks in one hour and you’re on the smaller end of humans, that is too many to be able to drive legally.)

We were so clear: NO GENDERED BABY GIFTS ! And yet…

Q:

We’re expecting a baby in December, yay! We know the sex of the baby and have been open about that with friends and family, while also being firm that we don’t want any gendered gifts for the baby. This did not stop some extended family members from bringing us some very gendered clothing as their gift at the baby shower, and they presented this gift with such love and enthusiasm that it has sent me into a guilt spiral.

It feels wasteful to keep them when we won’t be using them, but also rude to return or exchange or donate them, but I’m also annoyed that they flew in the face of our stated intentions to begin with. I’m sure that they’ll be expecting to see live or see pictures of the baby in what they gave us, they live nearby and everything. Am I overthinking this?

A:

Summer: I think you’re right to feel frustrated that you specifically made a request and it wasn’t followed. It is your kid and a strong belief you hold. I also think that what they did can be taken at face value as coming out of a place of caring, possibly honest error. I think that giving the benefit of the doubt can allay some of your worries about something that probably won’t be earth-shattering in the long term.

Another thought I had while writing this was that it’s possible that totally gender-neutral clothes may not have been accessible to them at the time. They may not shop at a place where gender-neutral tones and cuts are available and they bought what they thought would work. Baby stuff is obnoxiously gendered, after all. And I think you know that.

If it would make you feel better, you don’t have to keep the stuff. It’s not ‘rude’ to exchange, donate, or return them because as a gift, it’s now your property. If your stuff makes you feel bad, it’s your right to rid yourself of it. However you please. Whether or not they might expect to see their gift in use, it’s still your right to use it.

Another thought: have the clothes dyed a different color or otherwise altered in a way that would help your fears? If such a thing is available to you, of course.

Nico:I don’t know if it’s possible to mix and match, too, perhaps? Pink bunny pants combined with a blue dinosaur top make for a rather gender ambiguous outfit. If possible, maybe you can exchange the items you absolutely cannot use right now for larger sizes of gender neutral clothing that you’ll want in the near future as your kiddo grows? It’s a practical reason to make an exchange.

At the end of the day, honestly, just follow your heart here. You’ve got a lot going on and are about to have a lot more arriving on your plate! If your family doesn’t listen to you (common) or doesn’t understand (sigh), you are not obligated to just go along with it. But also, if it’s too much emotional effort to think about dealing with disappointing them, I assure you the newborn baby will not notice the supposed gender of their clothing, you can just use the gendered clothing as stay-at-home wear (maybe you snap some pics the first time and then this becomes the clothing that you don’t mind when it gets stained later), and you can concentrate on worrying about other shit. It’s definitely more about how you feel about it at this stage, so it’s all about how you and your partner want to interact with your family now and going forward. Maybe you just want to remind them about what you want next time, maybe you want to exchange it, maybe something else. It’s up to you because truly this is your family, your life, and there are not necessarily right or wrong answers when it comes to this. ALSO – CONGRATS!!!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!