It’s my last week in Canada and I really don’t know what to do with myself. I want to dive into Canada things and see friends and family and casual activity partners I won’t see for a while but actually that’s a lie, I want it to rain and I want to dive into a cave and speak only to Shannon and three other people and think about only this and maybe work and how there’re only 135 hours or so until I get to Los Angeles and I can feel every single one.
It simultaneously feels like there is not and will never be enough time, not here and not there and certainly not between now and the wedding. At least I’m not crying all the time any more.
My Lesbian Immigration Wedding Feelings, Part 6
33. I briefly hated the place we’re getting married.
Shannon finally went to see the place we’re getting married last week and sent me video that promptly made me hate everything about the place we’re getting married, starting with how messy and scruffy it was and continuing to how the person renting to us was not even there for their meeting due to being high and ending up with a huge trampoline that I hate right in the middle of everything.
Shannon reassured me that it was gorgeous in person, and also dealt with the trampoline by paying to have it taken apart and telling me after so I couldn’t try to argue my way into the same result, which would have been fun for me but have a less certain chance of success. Anyway it’s done now but I’m planning to go by the morning before and make sure the trampoline is really gone.
29.2. The restaurant keeps changing things.
So now we can only have a max of 20 people at dinner if we want to sit on the patio, which if course we do because the patio is absolutely magical and full of trees and fairy lights and exposed flames and also fits the picture I have in my head of how things will be, with the inside of the same place does not.
On some level this was helpful because emotionally I’d been struggling with telling a few people that their boyfriends I do not know cannot come, and this was the push I needed to be direct about it. (I was being indirect I think because if they were girlfriends I’d probably feel differently but also maybe not but misandry! it takes many forms. There are already four dudes coming, and they are dads and brothers but also four is more than enough.)
34. We booked the honeymoon!
Except for the return flight because we need to plan what we’re doing each day a little better and booking the tiny flight to Napa from LA was way more urgent than booking one of the many huge flights from San Francisco to LA. Also, I’m now researching things to do in San Francisco. What should we do in San Francisco? So far the vibrator museum is on the top of my list.
7.2. I am excited about my shoes.
And now to practice walking in them.
I also realized that I had been imagining wearing black fishnet thigh-highs under my dress and that with open-toe shoes this might be impossible. I really hate wearing skirts or dresses and having my legs touch and stick to each other or my clothing though. (This has also launched a whole related subject of inquiry entitled, “If Not Agent Provocateur Now, Then When?”)
16.2. I’m getting a haircut.
I’ve mentioned before that I’m doing my own hair/makeup. I have a haircut next weekend, and I’m torn between getting the exact hair I have now but not several months old, and getting a slightly different hair cut that would result in a very similar look to the one I have now and possibly nicer/easier to style, but that is shorter in a few key places and will be harder to fix if something goes wrong. Both have the potential to look similar from the front. This does not seem like an especially big decision except that I like and am calmed by things, specifically the way I look, staying more or less the same, and there is no time for it to grow out if something goes wrong.
28.2. Further ceremony feelings.
I’m still working on the ceremony and the day and I’m investing so much brain power towards them that I am going to write to you about them next week. In the meantime, though, the friend marrying us sent me this and it is beautiful:
“Have as much (relatively) calm and special time with each other as possible! I was going to continue that sentence with ‘before the ceremony’ or ‘that morning’ but really just full stop, as possible. Which obviously goes for the wedding day! So you have to build in time that’s only the two of you, so you can make eye contact and skin contact and let your mouth stretch as far across your face as it can, and be loud and be quiet and put your flag in the dirt of every day and declare it yours, but that day especially. Any moment you can steal that day to take the same breath together, do it.”
35. Does everyone freak out before this sort of thing?
I am maybe freaking out about all these sorts of things. Hopefully this is normal. (?????)
Feelings? Advice? Wedding questions? Immigration questions? Know whether freaking out about big life things is normal and ready to reassure me? Email our team of married/getting married/immigrating/immigrated humans at youneedhelp @ autostraddle dot com or leave a question/feeling in the comments!
