It’s my last week in Canada and I really don’t know what to do with myself. I want to dive into Canada things and see friends and family and casual activity partners I won’t see for a while but actually that’s a lie, I want it to rain and I want to dive into a cave and speak only to Shannon and three other people and think about only this and maybe work and how there’re only 135 hours or so until I get to Los Angeles and I can feel every single one.
It simultaneously feels like there is not and will never be enough time, not here and not there and certainly not between now and the wedding. At least I’m not crying all the time any more.
I already ate the best last Canadian meal two weeks ago anyway
My Lesbian Immigration Wedding Feelings, Part 6
33. I briefly hated the place we’re getting married.
Shannon finally went to see the place we’re getting married last week and sent me video that promptly made me hate everything about the place we’re getting married, starting with how messy and scruffy it was and continuing to how the person renting to us was not even there for their meeting due to being high and ending up with a huge trampoline that I hate right in the middle of everything.
Shannon reassured me that it was gorgeous in person, and also dealt with the trampoline by paying to have it taken apart and telling me after so I couldn’t try to argue my way into the same result, which would have been fun for me but have a less certain chance of success. Anyway it’s done now but I’m planning to go by the morning before and make sure the trampoline is really gone.
29.2. The restaurant keeps changing things.
So now we can only have a max of 20 people at dinner if we want to sit on the patio, which if course we do because the patio is absolutely magical and full of trees and fairy lights and exposed flames and also fits the picture I have in my head of how things will be, with the inside of the same place does not.
On some level this was helpful because emotionally I’d been struggling with telling a few people that their boyfriends I do not know cannot come, and this was the push I needed to be direct about it. (I was being indirect I think because if they were girlfriends I’d probably feel differently but also maybe not but misandry! it takes many forms. There are already four dudes coming, and they are dads and brothers but also four is more than enough.)
34. We booked the honeymoon!
Except for the return flight because we need to plan what we’re doing each day a little better and booking the tiny flight to Napa from LA was way more urgent than booking one of the many huge flights from San Francisco to LA. Also, I’m now researching things to do in San Francisco. What should we do in San Francisco? So far the vibrator museum is on the top of my list.
7.2. I am excited about my shoes.
And now to practice walking in them.
I also realized that I had been imagining wearing black fishnet thigh-highs under my dress and that with open-toe shoes this might be impossible. I really hate wearing skirts or dresses and having my legs touch and stick to each other or my clothing though. (This has also launched a whole related subject of inquiry entitled, “If Not Agent Provocateur Now, Then When?”)
these shoes
16.2. I’m getting a haircut.
I’ve mentioned before that I’m doing my own hair/makeup. I have a haircut next weekend, and I’m torn between getting the exact hair I have now but not several months old, and getting a slightly different hair cut that would result in a very similar look to the one I have now and possibly nicer/easier to style, but that is shorter in a few key places and will be harder to fix if something goes wrong. Both have the potential to look similar from the front. This does not seem like an especially big decision except that I like and am calmed by things, specifically the way I look, staying more or less the same, and there is no time for it to grow out if something goes wrong.
28.2. Further ceremony feelings.
I’m still working on the ceremony and the day and I’m investing so much brain power towards them that I am going to write to you about them next week. In the meantime, though, the friend marrying us sent me this and it is beautiful:
“Have as much (relatively) calm and special time with each other as possible! I was going to continue that sentence with ‘before the ceremony’ or ‘that morning’ but really just full stop, as possible. Which obviously goes for the wedding day! So you have to build in time that’s only the two of you, so you can make eye contact and skin contact and let your mouth stretch as far across your face as it can, and be loud and be quiet and put your flag in the dirt of every day and declare it yours, but that day especially. Any moment you can steal that day to take the same breath together, do it.”
just trying to write this thing
35. Does everyone freak out before this sort of thing?
I am maybe freaking out about all these sorts of things. Hopefully this is normal. (?????)
Feelings? Advice? Wedding questions? Immigration questions? Know whether freaking out about big life things is normal and ready to reassure me? Email our team of married/getting married/immigrating/immigrated humans at youneedhelp @ autostraddle dot com or leave a question/feeling in the comments!
ARE YOU TELLING ME THERE WAS GOING TO BE A TRAMPOLINE AT YOUR WEDDING AND YOU TOOK IT AWAY
that’s it i’m not going.
Stef. It was such a large trampoline. You would have had to sit on it while we wed.
It was not a fun trampoline, Stef.
what the fuck is “not a fun trampoline” who are you people even
it was terrible and rusted and not even/flat and also aesthetically unpleasing. but also I’m sorry.
well now i know what to get you guys for a wedding present
33. It’s a really really good call to check the day before–if you get there and the trampoline is still up, bitch them out and feel NO shame over it. Also, maybe think about sending someone who is not afraid to be stubborn for you to check instead, thus saving yourself potential bitching, guilt, or embarrassment. If you have to go yourself, I’d suggest doing whatever makes you feel most confident in awkward situations–for this sort of thing I like to wear fancy underwear, dark makeup, and cool shoes so I stand up really tall. +10 intimidation points!
29.2 Stick to your misandrist guns! The best way to keep cost down is cutting guests, too, so this is really all good. I support your abundance of ladies.
34. Ohhh fun fun! I recommend pretty much EVERY ART MUSEUM, because I am boring art trash and love art museums too much maybe. I haven’t been in a while but I need to go back because I just looked up all the big museums and now I want to see SO MANY THINGS.
-The De Young is rad because it’s right in with botanical gardens and some food trucks. They have a Richard Diebenkorn exhibit open right now and I love his work even thought he is, unfortunately, a man, so maybe you will too! http://deyoung.famsf.org/exhibitions/richard-diebenkorn-prints-celebrating-acquisition
-Apparently SFMOMA is closed for construction BUT they’re doing a portrait show with the Museum of the African Diaspora that looks amazing. I’ve never been to MoAD but it sounds amazing???
-The Legion of Honor is always hit or miss for me–one of my favorite exhibitions(The cult of Beauty, about the aesthetic movement. Whistler’s Symphony in White no 1 was life changing, but anyway all of this is besides the point) was there, but often it’s kind of boring? The view’s always fantastic, though!
7.2 I am also excited about your shoes!! The high-waisted knee-length spanx really cut down on the thigh rubbing for me; even though they sound pretty horrible in theory, if you get ones that aren’t a million sizes down they’re not uncomfortable! They’re not particularly sexy, of course, but maybe you could look for something similar? Also I’ve been meaning to try it out but I have heard fantastic things about Lush’s Silky Underwear Powder (possibly on AS??) http://www.lushusa.com/Silky-Underwear-Dusting-Powder/03634,en_US,pd.html
16.2 You’re hair’s going to look awesome!!
28.2 Your friend has very good advice :)
35. YEP. totally normal!
You’ve GOT THIS and I cannot wait to hear how everything goes!! <3 <3 <3 yay!
33. YES. (Also glad I’m not the only one to have battle underwear.) (Though possibly I am the only one to call it that.)
34. I am also into museums (even if my attention span for most is somewhat limited) and thank you for these recommendations!!
7.2. Admittedly my dress is already super tight and involves two slips for some reason and I’m worried if I wear spanx I will never be able to pee or ahem do anything else that day either but I am SO intrigued by the dusting powder! (For this, and for life.)
<3<3<3<3<3
Those are some epic shoes!
thank you!!
Those are really great shoes! I think your hair will look great no matter what.
riese your support/reassurance has always meant the most.
All i can say is im very happy for the both of you.
Thank you!!!
35 – Yes, totally normal. I say this as a frequent bride’s maid/Best Man.
This is reassuring.
OH THOSE SHOES. I was so hoping that was a real photo of your shoes and not a stock photo of gorgeous shoes. I love them so much. I kind of want to marry you now because of those shoes. Maybe I just want to queer marry your shoes. I don’t know.
Here is an open toe fishnet tight that could be an option. Also, I strongly feel that fishnet tights and peep toes work fine together, as long as the tights don’t have that toe-guard band over the toes. I actually think it could look really cute.
The fact that open-toe fishnets might exist literally did not even occur to me. I thought of stirrup-foot fishnets but not open toe and anyway THANK YOU.
(also those are definitely the shoes in question and not a stock photo though my iphone camera and I are very flattered)
I’m so excited for you and I’m so glad the trampoline is gone and the patio sounds gorgeous and wonderful.
I mean it’s HOPEFULLY gone. We have also not heard back. I have five calendar notes to check the day before just in case.
Yay shoes!
I personally would go with the lesser haircut. I always feel like it’s suddenly too short after it’s been a long time between haircuts. Just taming the unruly areas also means if you change your mind, well, you can change your mind!
I’m pretty sure all huge life events are a time to freak out. It’s going to be ok. People survive weddings all the time (I speak from a place of no experience, but take a deep breath anyway). And moving to new countries.
Good luck.
This is a good point! It’s also occurred to me that I could book an extra half hour and get my usual hair and if it really does not feel quite right (there is something about the front and around my ears that is never just quite right) I could go for the shorter right then according to my heart. (The only time I’ve had an omg it’s too short reaction was this one time I wanted it kept super long in front and shaved in back and I didn’t have glasses on and got almost the opposite. Which is almost nothing to do with anything but I wanted to share.)
this is a genius plan!
Also totally normal to freak out.
I freak out a lot about getting a hair cut even on a good day. It’s completely understandable that you are having a lot of hair feelings prior to your wedding.
It sounds like it’ll be wonderful and it’s all coming along so soon! Looking forward to the next installment and wedding pictures hopefully soon!
Hair can just be so fraught!
(Also I definitely asked about republishing the photos before we signed the photography contract so it’ll be months but it’s def a possibility!)
SAN FRANCISCO.
I just visited after A-Camp and here are some of the things we did and loved:
1) Go to see an old movie at the Castro theater and then get a slice of pizza at Marcello’s afterwards – it’s directly opposite and delicious
2) Go to Philz and get an iced mint mojito coffee
3) Go stare at the women’s building in mission and get all teared and choked up.
4) Go to Boogaloos in mission and order the temple of spuds with avocado. Or a half order, it’s so huge. But amazing and delicious.
5) Go to Mission Pie for a slice of pie. Pie.
6) Go to Tartine Bakery or Arizmendi Bakery for anything – the chocolate chip cookies are delicious
7) Go to Kabuki Springs spa for one of the women’s days (sunday/wednesday/friday) – it’s $25 to get into the communal baths and it is so relaxing
I realise a lot of these are food related. A lot of the things I care about are food or coffee related. I have more if you want them.
These are great ideas, thank you!!
If you’ve been eyeing agent provocateur, do it now. If not now, when? I mean I’d encourage it at least. And check out the lingerie lesbian (Caro) and the lingerie addict (Cora)for more advice. That’s what I’d say!
Cara and Cora are both the reason I even know about Agent Provocateur and [fangirling redacted]! *visits website for tenth time today*
I second the museums and food options of other commentators. Other museums: Cartoon Art Museum and Jewish Art Museum, both on Mission near SFMOMA.
Other murals: Don’t just look at the Women’s Building. Do the tour with Precita Eyes–http://www.precitaeyes.org/mission-trail-mural-walk.html
Check out Off the Grid for food truck locations. Tuesdays and Thursdays in the Civic Center area, Thursday evenings in the Haight on Stanyon, Sunday in the Precidio. The latter two usually feature free music as well.
Visit City hall to pay homage to Harvey Milk. The building is lovely. I work there often (and got married to my wife at the top of the stairs in the rotunda) and always say hello to Harvey’s bust on the second floor and thank him for his sacrifice.
the shoes the shoes the SHOES
I KNOW
I love your shoes!
Actually have just been loving this column in general, and the sentiment of finding time to take the same breath together is so beautiful.
Sending you good vibes for everything! <3
Thank you! <3
YOUR SHOES ARE AMAZING. You are amazing. Your wedding will be amazing.
Also re: Agent Provocateur – THIS IS YOUR CHANCE!!! Treat yo self.
Also thanks for sharing your adventures, this column has been super lovely. <3 best of luck!!
“four is more than enough” bahaha, yes.
A haircut so close to the wedding is risky–but so worth it. I’m not the only one who feels like a powerful badass after a fresh haircut right? All your curls have a fresh bounce, and you’re basically capable of absolutely anything. Get it grrrl.