This week, I’ve been sleeping in.*
I’ve been away from my parents’ house and cat sitting for my best friend/ex-partner and even though the cat is very demanding with regard to feeding times and immediate litter box cleanings I’ve largely been able to actually sleep this week, in contrast to the rampant insomnia and “oh, I like waking up at 4 a.m., I have so much more time for exercise and journalling and showering and worrying I mean breakfast” that have characterized the past few months. (Also I don’t feel like openly weeping all the time any more which is nice but I am still crying an amount that for me is significantly higher than average, what’s up with that.)
Anyway for reasons about to be seen I am finally immersed in making this wedding happen for real and it feels great. I hate all talk and no action, so doing stuff and moving on and no longer having it sit in the back of my brain as something that might happen but wasn’t for sure yet, not really, feels amazing.
* Until all of 7:30 a.m. Progress!
no you’re shamelessly inserting photos of this cat at every opportunity
My Lesbian Immigration Wedding Feelings, Part 5
24.2. Shannon told her parents.
After the visa, the only thing in the way of jumping in to real, solid plans instead of just thinking about what those plans were almost certainly probably hopefully going to be was Shannon telling her parents the wedding date and making sure they’re free. (Which didn’t happen before the visa, mostly just in case.) And now they know! And they’re free! And her brother is also free! And a grandma strategy is being considered! And now it feels like we can finally act on things instead of thinking about all the things we need to act on over and over and that’s pretty cool but also pressing. (The second and final wedding magazine I purchased was The Knot, which had a list informing me I am 12 months late on some of the stuff I’m going to get to next week.)
11.2. The photographer is locked.
We found and booked a photographer who’s letting us cobble together our own package (basically a hybrid of her wedding and elopement packages because we are so tiny) and Shannon’s meeting her in person this week to talk about our photography dreams. (Also in the meantime we need to come up with some photography dreams.)
9.2. Official officiant update.
She’s getting ordained on the internet (this is totally legal in California; apparently it’s less legal elsewhere and depends on where you are) and we are talking about scripts now and ahh I love her so much.
25. We made a registry.
I feel weird about having a registry, in that on some level it feels really indulgent to say to family and friends, “Here are some nice things you could buy us if you wanted,” but, in my family at least, not having one seemed like it was going to be a bigger issue than having one and as long as everyone knows it is in no way obligatory then I guess it’s okay. We used Zola, because it let us add both household stuff and honeymoon stuff, looks pretty and accepts payments from countries outside the States.
26. I guess invitations are a thing.
Guess we should send these soon. By “these” I really mean “the email that will function as the invitation because it’s good to give people something written down but neither of us could get it up for an actual paper situation.”
nope
27. How will the day run?
A few questions I am grappling with:
We are getting access to the place that morning and will need to set it up ourselves then/before a shower. I think we might do brunch with a few people attending who know each other that day, but that seems like it might be ambitious. We were also talking about lunch with just us at Knuckle & Claw, a lesbian-owned lobster roll place that is our “a really good thing happened let’s celebrate with food” place and where Shannon is somehow on a first-name basis with most of the staff because she’s like that, and to which we might bring the photographer. But also it feels weird to bring a photographer, maybe. I want to be able to go there and be relaxed and not self-conscious. Then we have a few hours somewhere in there for ahem taking a nap and getting ready and I guess any “around LA” photos? “Photographers: how do they work” is a whole other feeling/research topic.
Is it weird (or “too weird”) to want everyone to hang out for an hour or two with drinks and food before the actual ceremony? We’re having dinner after with all the same people, but the restaurant is loud and dark (read: “a public area of a restaurant on Saturday night”), and my hearing isn’t great so I depend on lip-reading when there’s lots of background noise, but my eyesight is awful in the dark and so I’m just going to miss almost any conversation that doesn’t happen with the people directly next to or across from me. I want to be able to actually talk to and see people who came, especially those who travelled to be there, but will people get bored or impatient standing around for an hour or two before the ceremony?
It sounds romantic to get married at sunset, but sunset is at 7:40 and dinner is at 8:30 and between them we also have to clean up. Ideally we would also do any sort of toast anyone might want to give, because the restaurant is public and I won’t be able to hear anything, but timing the moment we get married with sunset might have to not happen. (UPDATE: sunset that day is actually 7:15, I was looking at the times for Canada, #solved.)
How do we get people to go to places at the right time? Is there a good way to transition from “now we are standing around chatting” to “now we are getting married” to “now we are cleaning up” to “now we are going to dinner”? Programs are not an ideal option, because blah. Is saying the timeline in the invitation email enough? Should someone be in charge of bossing people around/telling people where to go and just sort of projecting her voice and hoping it’s effective? (Me, this person would probably be me.)
28. How will the ceremony run?
What does this look like? I am reading through a pile of example scripts but, *sips bourbon, opens browser.*
29. Dinner changed a little.
The restaurant changed its large dinner format and pricing plan just enough. We were hoping to have a few people we hadn’t been sure we could fit, and now we’re not.
30. It’s happening in semi-public and I keep feeling weird about that.
So the ceremony/pre-ceremony reception is happening in a semi-public place I am being purposefully vague about because it is a semi-public place and the internet already knows the date and time. Is there a good way to stop random strangers from “attending” via standing right outside the little closed off area we’ll have (Shannon has already vetoed my “curtain hanging between two hedges” idea) or should I just embrace it and maybe appoint a dad or brother or stern grandmother to keep people from actually coming in? As a viewer I think it’d be a pretty cool night if I stumbled across a hopefully adorable lesbian wedding on a neighborhood stroll but as a subject I’m not keen on it but maybe I should just not care.
31. The wedding playlist.
Needs so much work.
Shannon wouldn’t let me add “Truffle Butter”
5.2. I’m researching US money things for real now.
What bank do you guys use? There was a video a few years back that featured Canadians describing bankers as trustworthy and kind and patient and Americans describing bankers as evil and scheming and devious and it’s safe to say I never considered anything beyond interest rates in banking before, do I need to now?
I’m also checking the exchange rate three times a day. It does not look good.
32. I BOOKED MY TICKET.
!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway now I have exactly two weeks to wrap up Canada, more or less, holy shit?
Feelings? Advice? Wedding questions? Immigration questions? Email our team of married/getting married/immigrating/immigrated humans at youneedhelp @ autostraddle dot com or leave a question/feeling in the comments!
as far as people in the right places at the right times, shouting is definitely an option, but I feel like music can be a really useful cue, like hey things are happening now. I’m not sure how you’re planning on your wedding playlist working though? if you’re planning to be playing music the whole time obviously that doesn’t work.
with the semi-public place issue, maybe you could hang a small sign on one of the shrubs that says “please respect our privacy” or something?
reading about people’s wedding plans makes me realize I have so many more wedding opinions than I’d have ever thought I would.
signage! SIGNAGE.
good on you!
also, day of coordinators are a thing (that will tell strangers to go away, and say what time things are happening) and obvi you do you, but delegate that shit! whoever is your bossiest friend that does not yet have a job and loves to be useful! is not your job to do all the jobs!
our photographer said that most people who wander in will not bother you if you are having a wedding, though they may stop and gawk or take pictures briefly, but mostly people will keep a respectful distance. designate a bouncer if you need to. I threatened to have feelings-bouncers at our wedding in the case of people causing scenes and a designated feelings tent for people to journal and hang out with crystals and whatever.
also yes to pre-wedding happy hours! we are doing that, I think it will be nice, in your case you may have to have stealth gin or whatever, but yeah! that sounds totally great.
also re: money things- got get yourself a credit union! you will have a variety of options depending on location, but in terms of How I Do Money, they are way less ookie in terms of bank things.
Hi hello please tell me more about these feelings bouncers, part of my family expresses love by arguing.
my family expresses love in similar ways for suuuuuuure. Alternatively some members of my family get into physical altercations and sometimes my mom follows me around at family events weeping because Divorce and Unresolved Things.
Mostly I made it be known to my family that there would be feelings bouncers to redirect conversations or redirect people to the feelings tent if people were inclined to be mean or make scenes at my wedding, and then they decided it was better to pull it together and not make scenes. Sometimes my family behaves better when I issue ultimatums. ymmv?
I did this for a friend at her wedding. Basically she asked me to move her away from her mum if they talked for over 5 minutes or if it got heated or snarky. Depending on the relationships in your guests you might want multiple bouncers for different people or scenarios. And a rescue signal!
I also suggest using a credit union! And because I am a U.S. Government Information Specialist as part of my day job, here’s a government website about finding a credit union:
http://www.mycreditunion.gov/about-credit-unions/Pages/How-to-Find-a-Credit-Union-in-Your-Area.aspx
Thanks for the link, I’ll definitely investigate this!
CONGRATS!!! Planning-I feel your pain. IDK how we’ll be able to manage soon enough because the projected date she’ll be here is May/June and it’s just about the height of wedding season so I have to sort of ‘soft hold’ all the things. We’ve gone as far as giveaways, engagement photoshoot, decided on a place we both actually like but then what if the food is terrible, and who to invite. All in all we have about 35 people down and my sister has advised me that that is indeed enough. She also told me that if people talk then just say we don’t have the $. Also people at work can’t believe we can plan it in like 2-3 weeks?
Re: Banks-I’ve been using Wells Fargo for like 15 years now.. They’re really good when it comes to purchases on your card and give you a call right away even if it’s just you spending on some Christmas gifts. I know a couple of people with credit unions, they tell me the only downside is sometimes they don’t have enough banks near them.
I think if you’ve thought about it enough in advance 2-3 weeks is plenty. I mean, I’m hoping.
ME TOO. I think everything else is pretty much set-ish. Wedding and reception venues are pretty much checked off and also giveaways. Everything else I think can wait until she gets here and we all panic?? HAHA.
i wanna tell you to use td bank because a) slight relevance to canada, b) at some point american branches will seamlessly be connected to canadian branches, c) i love td bank forever, but they have no stores in los angeles. it breaks my heart.
NICE PLAYLIST
Someone else told me this recently and first it made me happy and then it made me sad.
Also THANK YOU
That was my reasoning for going with TD…They aren’t my Canadian bank, but at least they’re familiar!
I think putting the schedule on the invites is just fine. But of course people will forget. Could a friend (or you) greet folks as they come in and just briefly tell them what’s up? (Like, Hi! Welcome! Help yourself to drinks/foods. We’re going to hang and the ceremony will start around TIME).
Also, music helps people figure out when shit is starting and ending. Like, maybe have a playlist for the chatting/hanging time and then turn off the music for a couple long seconds, long enough for everyone to be like, “Oh, something is happening,” and look around slightly confused. And then you (or your loud friend or your loud officiant) can be like, “Everybody look over here where the marrying part is happening!” I wish we’d done a better job with this, actually. We kind of didn’t think about how this would happen and we didn’t have like an aisle march or anything, so it was very confusing when we started the ceremony. People didn’t know where to look or that we’d be coming in a side entrance. It was fine. Everything was fine. I wouldn’t change a thing.
I don’t think it’s weird to chat and hang before the ceremony at all. It sounds really chill and fun!
Definitely taking all these suggestions about strategizing music to heart/action.
We’re also doing no aisle, just hopping up on some stairs, and having a greeter to explain when that’s happening is a REALLY good idea.
AMAZING playlist so far, a+ for all of the Bruce. if you meant a lady cover of Frank Ocean’s Thinkin Bout You, here’s one by Yuna that I LOVE.
as for banking, I use Bank of America and it’s pretty solid. HSBC is slightly sketchier-seeming, in terms of Business Ethics, but I think is the best about international fees.
That is such a good cover!! I have also enjoyed this one, and if I’m being honest will probably want to play both: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pld2jcOqX8w
I can understand your anxiousness about people stopping to view the wedding. Personally I think I would feel the same way, and would worry about people stopping to look in, and wanting to find someone to kind of direct them away. I would say that asking someone to kindly direct them away wouldn’t hurt, but to also put yourself in a mind space where you don’t care if they stop by or not. Release yourself from one thing that has the possibility of keeping you from fully enjoying this monumental day. You’re doing great, and I hope you keep chugging forward! You got this! A little bourbon never hurt a weary mind.
Definitely mostly just focusing on trying to not care. Also it’ll be sort of dark and I don’t see all that well in the dark so I’m not even sure that I’ll notice, but also, thank you for the reassurance!
Laughing (read: crying) at the exchange rate every day as I prepare to pay tuition for the upcoming semester. I would change cash over ASAP, because it just looks like it’s going to continue to fall under 76 cents. This is atrocious. With regard to banks, I banked with US Bank this past school year, but am actually going to BMO tomorrow to change my Canadian banking from RBC to BMO and to open a US BMO-Harris Bank account (because they are v popular in the Midwest). I know a couple other Canadians living/studying/working in California, and they say that there aren’t Canadian-affiliated banks in California the way BMO has permeated the Midwest, TD has permeated the Northeast, etc. Those friends of mine in CA have either banked with Citi or Chase and seem to have had good experiences.
Also, I am IN LOVE with your wedding playlist. Along with Miss You and No Control, Drag Me Down is gonna be on there, right? My new 1D jam.
Drag Me Down doesn’t seem quite wedding list appropriate but also I’ve probably listened to it ten times since [redacted] so I feel you.
I am fifty fifty about whether to switch everything now in case it plummets or wait and see and have to deal with higher fees in the meantime. (And then I guess just not spend money for a while?) Either way ugh.
Okay, that’s a fair point re: DMD. I’m gonna listen to Harry riff enough for the both of us.
Banking! So even though TD only has branches on the east coast in the USA, you can open a US account with them and thus TRANSFER your Canadian credit history into the US. This is mega important, because otherwise you are starting from scratch, can only get terrible credit cards, can’t sign a mortgage, etc. Although you won’t be able to go into a physical branch, you can deposit cheques by phone photo, make transfers by phone/online, etc. Depending what level your Cdn account is, you can also do no-fee transfers from a Canadian US-dollar account to your US account, and if you’ve ever seen the surcharge they take off wire transfers, you know this is a big deal.
If your partner can spot you for cash so you don’t have to deal with fees from using non-TD ATMs, you should be able to proceed as normal!
And they have an lgbt email newsletter, so. (even though trans customers have in some instances had to deal with some pretty rough, brutal stuff around ‘identity checks’)
This credit transfer information is REALLY relevant to my interests/I had not thought of that use for a cross-border bank account situation, thank you!!
THIS IS SO GREAT THANK YOU!
This is what I’m dealing with now. My Canadian bank (BMO) doesn’t have any branches in the state I’m moving to. I have a canadian USD account but am trying to figure out the best way to get money from there into my new US account…
So, who else from the extended families are you planning to invite?? Aunts, uncles..?
Also, what are you thinking for a grandma strategy?
Thank you, I am just very interested in family things- I’ve got a friend in a semi-similar situation right now, with certain family members on varying degrees of “okay” and “not okay” with the gay part of her gay wedding…
Best of luck to you and Shannon, I love following your journey <3
Just parents, brothers, and grandmas! I would have loved to have a few others, especially those I’m closer to as a adult, but there was no way to have some of them without inviting all of them and then inviting all of Shannon’s extended family as well and then all of a sudden we’d be talking 60+ people instead of about 20 and even though it would have been really cool to celebrate with those people that was just not the type of day either of us wanted.
Weddings take a year to plan? Month is a lot like a year. Good luck. I’m excited for you.
Totally just like a year.
Ughh so much I can relate to!!
I fly out in 32 hours to the USA for good!! And thank friggen Lord that I have a year to plan my ceremony ( were doing a justice of peace wedding in 2 weeks) because a year away and I’m already sweating the ” I should just get a band, everyone digs live music that’s actually good…right ?” And so forth.
As for the bank, my wife stands by bank of America, they’re gunna be where I go too honestly, they take good care of you there from the dealings ive had with them
Don’t sweat the little things (or thongs as my phone wants to say) you’re going home! That makes everything else okaayy
Yay!!!
lol so hard at your bruce springsteen playlist segueing seamlessly into “i love you always forever.”
It’s important to cover all the right bases.
Firstly, I just love you so much for sharing all of this with all of us. You two are amazing.
Secondly, fucking visas and fucking banking, right? And I was just going to suggest RBC- they’ve got a great set up for Canadians in America, too, but sounds like maybe TD is the way to go? Just sit on most of your money for a bit if you can manage it, exchange rates change like woah. (I’m currently ecstatic, getting paid in U.S. funds but living in our home and native land, but for you, yeah I’d wait if possible.)
So now for the fun stuff!! Yay love yay!!
Rbc actually sucks for banking in the USA, as far as deposits go– reason being you can’t deposit a single time anywhere at any atm etc. I never tried to do it over the phone – though I don’t think you can- it’s great for transferring Canadian funds if someone gives you email money orders etc. But unfortunately using it as a primary account down there isn’t very fun.
( I’ve been using them for a year)
You can totally deposit with RBC (
https://appsto.re/us/C3qZD.i), plus they cover two withdrawals from any ATM. (I sound like I work for them or something- I so totally don’t even remotely. Just hope that helps things a bit before you find something else!)
Can I just say that I looked at your registry and everything on there looks totally gorgeous and stylish? You have great taste and if I were your guest I’d be more than happy to give you one of these amazing gifts!
i looked at it because of this comment and i just wanna say the sultan hanestad mattress is THE BEST MATTRESS and you will not regret your choice
(idk there might be better ones. but it’s most definitely the best ikea mattress and probably the best “budget” mattress around. i bought it, couldn’t resell it and had to leave it at the curb, and bought another one when i moved back out of campus housing on the other coast. that good. good choice)
(also yes you guys have great taste)