Welcome to the fourth episode of Lost Girl, the scifi show that’s helping me cope with the fact that my adorable teensy kitten is now, in fact, incredibly ass-vibratingly fertile. Last time we checked in, my cat wasn’t the only pussy demanding some play. Lauren and Betty finally fucked which should have started off an adorable spinoff series about a small town waitress that gets swept off her feet by a shy city slicker with magic fingers, but instead Betty got Lauren kidnapped. Lame.
She shoulda just tied her to the bed!
You know what brightens my mood? Hitting things. Seems like Bo feels the same way. She’s sparring with Dyson, trying to make sense of the thirty mysteries they’ve lobbed at us this season. Like, who are the Una Mens? Why doesn’t Lauren call anymore? And most importantly, who should Bo fuck next?
If I land left hook, Tamsin. If I land a right hook, that hot dungeon master.
After about two punches, they switch to that other great American past-time: speaking in double entendres.
Do you wanna uh, [verb] my [adjective] [noun]?
God Dyson, [verb] me like that!
Tamsin’s evolving faster than my Tamogatchi, and at two weeks old, already has more height and hair than I ever will. Kenzi’s playing the ever important role model, trying to help TamTam recover her memories, but also making sure our preteen twerks at a college level.
And after this it’s AP Grinding or you’ll never get into the school of your dreams.
But even this type of fae-bysitting gets boring, so she suggests celebrating Bo’s triumphant return with dranks at the Dall. Tamsin wisely opts for X-Files instead.
I’d rather watch Scully in slow motion.
Bo and Kenzi arrive at the Dall, and surprise surprise, the tavern run by her grandfather is fresh out of orgies. But with a flick of her finger and an iPod she manages to get everyone to strip down to their skivvies for the practicum section of Twerking 102.
Damnit, I hate when people interrupt my pub trivia!
While Bo tries to finagle a threesome and/or a foursome and/or a moresome, the Druid shows up. I’m sort of impressed by how many polyester suits one man can have in 2014.
Kenz is sick of all of Massimo’s dollar store glitter and insists on some real abilities. He could give her something more permanent, but he’s not willing to tap his Martha Stewart Crafts-level professional stash until she makes good on her previous debts. Obviously Kenz disagrees with these payment terms, which probably explains why she’s still living in an abandoned loft without real walls.
I want to invest all of my money in eyeliner!
But speaking of Chez Kenz, Tamsin’s visited by two incredibly calm men in balaclavas. Before they can react or blink or do anything, she dispenses of them with a flick of her mane. You know, #JustValkeryieThings.
It’s like a really dark Herbal Essences commercial.
But apparently Faeby’s First Murder isn’t a milestone to be taken lightly. By the time Bo and Kenzi return from zig-a-zig-ah-ing and showing off Kenzi’s glitter fingers, Tamsin’s evolved into her adult form.
I don’t care what Annie and Miley think, this is the only child that should just wear a sheet.
Bo heads to the police station to get to the bottom of this heinous crime. Oh yeah, someone ransacked their home and stole all of their carefully curated thrift shop furniture. Sorry if I forgot to mention that. You can’t blame Tamsin for that distraction.
It was a beautiful IKEA chair with a warped leg and a sweet patch over the lumbar support.
They initially suspect the Una Mens, but the council’s more of the Crate & Barrel-type. Dyson suggests humans since Trick’s DIY flame security system only works against fae, but they don’t really pursue it either. But now that they’e exhausted their only two leads, Dyson and Bo get back to talking dirrrrty. Or, as dirty as you can when you’re in front of a child and your writers aspire to create porn for suburban moms.
Do you wanna do my dirttttty laundry?
Lauren and Crystal wake up on the set of Saw VII. They struggle to remove their shackles and Crystal laments that this is all her fault because they “said they wouldn’t hurt” Lauren. Dude, did you think they were going to kidnap Lauren to take her to Sonic?
I just wanted someone to split a Low-Cal Diet Cherry Limeade with me
But before Lauren can initiate a fight so they can initiate make up sex, a disembodied voice — which sounds suspiciously like Trick amirite? — welcomes Lauren back. Aww, it’s just like Cheers where everyone knows your name and ankle cuff size!
Damnit. Someone always beats me to the fuzzy leopard ones.
Kenzi’s taking her glitter elsewhere and some kidnappers have the exact same plan. So they load her into the back of their van, berating her for mounting debt and shitty credit score.
You’re the black swan! Just fall asleep.
But duh, Bo intervenes. First rule of kidnapping: Make sure your panelled van’s windows are blacked out. Second rule of kidnapping: Don’t take the Unaligned Succubus™’s pet human.
Kenzi fingers Massimmo as the instigator of Plan Kidnap the Glittery Human, which means the druid needs to set two extra places for chili night.
FUCK! Now I’m all out of Veggie Ground Round.
You wanna know my favourite way of keeping my dinner guests relaxed? Reminding them that I’ve poisoned them before. Yup, Best Host 2014 Massimmo tells Bo that the only reason she went on that psychedelic trip to another dimension was because he conjured up a potion for it. He’s unwilling to reveal who hired him or what his cornbread’s secret ingredient is, but he does drop that he thinks Tamsin died.
It’s cumin right? TELL ME IT’S CUMIN!
Bo’s lost her appetite for his bullshit and demands he return their 2005 IKEA POÄNG and clear Kenzi’s debt. He’s open-minded to it, but only if he can trade for a certain herb that just so happens to grow on Lauren’s apartment wall which just so happens to be the address that Massimmo delivered the Morrigan’s replacement eye to last week. What a coinky-dink.
Bo gives in for the opportunity to free her best friend snoop through her ex’s underwear drawer.
Back on The Real World: New York Subway edition, Lauren’s caught onto the cameras and Crystal’s ready for Her Big Confession.
Sure I’ll listen, let me just set up a few more hidden tripods.
Crystal’s Gay for Pay and totes just slept with the good doctor to keep her close!!! God Lauren, having your boss amend your job description to include Fucking Women for Espionage Purposes? Gee, that sounds like an ongoing theme for this show!
And in all honesty, you weren’t even that good! He should have kept his money.
But Lauren isn’t about to get voted off the show, so it’s time for her to upstage Crystal with Her Even Bigger Confession. Lauren isn’t a waitress named Amber or a doctor named Lauren at all! Karen and her brother were scientists that fell down the slippery slope to scienterrorist when they blew up a pipeline and accidentally took out eleven people with it.
Goddamnit, Now I need another name tag.
Fuck me right? I know that we have a busty nymphomaniac with a heart of gold and a hot blonde that can vaporize armies with her eyes, but Lauren Amber Karen’s quickly evolving to be the most complex character on the show. Fuck Season 3 Lauren! Long live Season 4 Karen!
Stahp it!
But before Crystal can “reward” Karen as the Kindly Ecoterrorist with Mild Manners and Legs for Days, that disembodied voice tells Karen to look under one of the tarps.
Oh boy, sciency things!
Apparently it isn’t BP trying to make Karen work to repent her sins, it’s the Light Fae! And they want her to heal one of their elders.
Bo has decided to take the mature approach by berating Kenz for her taste in contraband. She can’t wrap her head around why anyone would be so stupid to pay Massimo to make them sparkle when they should be perfectly fine living their life as the Unaligned Succubus™’s +1. Hey Bo, your fae privilege is showing!
Srsly. Sometimes I just want to me do me.
As they’re snooping around Lauren Karen’s trying to figure out which herb the Druid needs, Bo comes across the Doc’s other real true identity.
This explains so much.
Bo chugs a bottle of wine to forget Lauren’s indiscretions and/or horrible haircuts.
BO: What is it that makes everyone in my life lie to me? Except for you. That’s why I love you.
Ugh. Please don’t guilt trip me when I’m on a ladder.
Which is of course the Ironic Phrase of the Day we’ve all been waiting for since Kenz sucked face with Bo’s wolf what… three episodes ago? Wait, was it only three episodes ago? Dear God time crawls when you’re watching a show without a coherent storyline. But before they can return to the Dall so Bo can say more telling phrases that’ll make Kenzi’s eyes roll, they realize they’re stuck.
That’s one way of getting your fireplace.
Someone’s using the same type of magic as Trick to keep these fae locked in. And sadly, the remnants of Kenzi’s Glitter Crotch Cream are strong enough to keep her trapped too.
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When the Ga(y)rgoyle appeared I may or may not had a flashback to the ‘Blink’ episode of Doctor Who. They just somehow instantly reminded me of the Weeping Angels.
“Dear God time crawls when you’re watching a show without a coherent storyline.” Truth.
I don’t even care, I love this show dude