Fisting is my number one favorite penetrative queer lesbian sex move. Fisting is AWESOME. Fisting is what happens when you’re fucking with your hands and everything is getting wetter and wetter and four fingers aren’t enough so you add a fifth and it feels for a second like maybe your whole hand is about to be inside of a person, or like her whole hand is about to be inside of you, and then it is.

Because it has the word “fist” in it, fisting sounds violent, but it’s not. (You’re not even making a fist with your hand; it’s more of a duck-shadow-puppet shape.) Like any other part of lesbian sex, fisting can be gentler or rougher or kinky or vanilla or whatever you want it to be — but it’s definitely going to be intense. Putting your whole hand inside of someone, or having her whole hand inside of you, is a physically and emotionally wild experience and a fuckton of fun. Here’s how to do it right.

Talk About Fisting First

Like any lesbian sex act, fisting requires some conversation before you dive in. Discuss it in advance when you’re not about to try to have sex, check in during sex before you try it, and keep communicating with each other while you do it. Talking during sex is hot, and talking about what you’re doing during sex makes sex hotter. It seems dorky, but if you have trouble speaking during sex, practice saying “that feels good,” “a little slower,” “can I have more lube?,” “more fingers please,” “oh my god you’re fisting me” and similar phrases in advance alone so they don’t feel as weird coming out of your mouth with a partner.

Get The Right Tools

Fisting is lesbian hand sex at its most intense, so it makes sense for you to prepare. Trim your nails the day before and smooth the edges. If you wear femme claws, glitter polish, or shellac or gels that are anything less than fresh and perfect, plan to wear gloves. Tuck cotton balls in the tips of each finger if your nails are really long or are filed to sharp points. If you have short, glitter-free nails and you and your fisting partner are fluid-bonded, think about wearing gloves anyway — they’re cleaner than your hands, slipperier when wet, and make cleanup after sex super easy.

You’ll also need lube. Lots of lube. The best lubes for fisting are thick and don’t contain any irritating ingredients like glycerin or scents and flavors. Generally, silicone lubes are thicker and longer lasting than water-based lubes. For a good one, check out Sliquid Silver. If you’re not into silicone, Sliquid Sassy is a thick water-based lube that doesn’t really drip or get sticky. And BabeLube Silk is the best of both worlds: a water-based lube, with just a bit of silicone blended in so it lasts longer. For an organic lube, try Sliquid Organics or BabeLube Natural. Some women also really love organic coconut oil as a lube — in addition to being “natural,” it’s an anti-fungal and can make your skin feel nice. Oils or oil-based lubes degrade latex, however, so if you’re using latex gloves for safer sex you’re better off with a silicone- or water-based lube.

[1] Sliquid Silver [2] Sliquid Sassy [3] BabeLube Silk [4] Sliquid Organics [5] BabeLube Natural [6] Now Coconut Oil [7] Sliquid Soul

Let’s Get Fisting

So you’ve talked about it, trimmed your nails, taken off your rings, opened a box of gloves, and have enough lube on hand to drown a small kitten. How do you actually fist someone?

Fisting starts off like regular lesbian hand sex, so begin by doing whatever you’d usually do to get ready for regular lesbian hand sex. Start with your usual foreplay — making out, grinding, spanking, whatever. When you’re both ready, move to external vulva touches. Spread your fingers like scissors and move them on either side of her clit, or cup her whole vulva with your gloved hand. As she responds by squirming towards or grinding against you, you can respond with firmer pressure or more direct clit touches. Hang out here, building arousal, until you’re both ready to fingerbang.

If you’re hoping to get fisted, ask for penetration — try something like “can you please fuck me with your fingers” or “can I have your fingers inside me now” or whatever feels right. If you’re hoping to fist, ask whether your partner is ready for penetration — try something like “can I put my fingers inside you now?” or “I want to fuck you with my fingers” or whatever feels right — and get a nod or a verbal yes before moving forward. When you’re both ready, lube up and press the pads of one or two fingers against her vaginal opening. Use pressure to slide inside. Start by moving slowly and then move a little faster, paying attention to your partner’s body and responses. Build. Keep adding more fingers and lube until you have four fingers inside of her.

“The best part of lesbian sex is that it’s not linear, so there’s no reason fisting has to be.”

Getting to the point where fisting is a possibility, and then actually fisting, can take some time. If you’re the fister, position yourself so your wrist and forearm are aligned, so you don’t get super tired or crampy. You can use your free hand to support your fisting hand by gripping your own wrist. You can also be still for a moment and ask your partner to move for you — try saying “show me how much you want my fingers” or “I want you to fuck my fingers.” If you’re the fistee, a word I just made up, ask for more lube whenever you want or need it. Give yourself permission to stay relaxed and present. Remember that fisting can feel like being stretched or filled, and that can feel pretty intense, but it’s not supposed to hurt. If it does, ask your partner to go slower, be still for a moment, use fewer fingers, use more lube, or try a different angle. Using your own fingers or vibrator on your clit can also help you stay relaxed and turned on and focused on your own pleasure instead of on “I am going to fucking get fisted right fucking now.” In my experience, being focused on getting fisted makes getting fisted way harder. The best part of lesbian sex is that it’s not linear, so there’s no reason fisting has to be. You can start to build towards it, stop, use a dildo, add some oral, get some water, try a few more fingers, come a few times, and work towards fisting again.

Add more lube, and start to work in your thumb. From this point forward, your hand should be shaped like a shadow puppet duck or like you’re reaching into a can of Pringles, depending on which metaphor you’re more into. This might be as far as you get, and that’s okay! Even if you’ve fisted or been fisted a hundred times, there’s no guarantee that it’ll happen this time. Stay connected, relaxed, and present with your partner, and keep the focus on creating a pleasurable experience. If fisting is about to happen, there’ll be a moment where your knuckles press against the edge of your partner’s vaginal opening and you’re “almost fisting,” and then there’ll be a moment where she sort of opens up and sucks you in and you’re “holy shit, fisting.”

Holy Shit, Fisting!

Once you’re in, make very, very, very small motions. In fisting, every movement is heightened. You can try to find her g-spot by curling your fingers up towards her stomach. You can try twisting your fist from side to side, thrusting (gently!), or opening or closing your fingers. Some fistees like a lot of movement, some like very little, and some like none. If your partner starts to orgasm, move with her — her vagina might be vacuum-sealed around your hand and wrist, which have a lot of tiny, breakable bones in them, and moving against her might risk them. If you start to orgasm from fisting her — yes, this can happen — try to stay aware enough to keep your bodies aligned.

Exit Strategy

When it’s time to stop fisting, relax your fist inside of your partner and slowly remove it. If you feel stuck, slip one of your free fingers down your fisting wrist to break the seal. Remember, lesbian sex isn’t linear and neither is fisting. If you’re done having sex when you’re done fisting, that’s awesome. If you need to get some water and then come ten times with a Magic Wand, that’s awesome. If you need to take a nap, that’s awesome. Follow your bliss.

Lesbian Sex 101 is Autostraddle’s series on how to have lesbian sex for queer women and anyone who finds this information applicable to their bodies or sexual activities.

Sex ed almost never includes queer women or our experiences, so we’re exploring pleasure, safety, relationships and more to make that information more accessible. A lot of the language in these posts is intended to make them easy to find on search engines.

Some of the body parts we talk about will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the pronouns will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the sexualities will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the language will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Take what you want and what applies to you or what you can make apply to you and your partners and your experiences, and leave the rest!

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