Welcome to the 27th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1:

What’s my role in helping my girlfriend with feeling lonely? She wants to make friends all her own that aren’t already friends with me or part of my social group. I can’t make her be friends with anybody, but I can’t leave her to be sad! What can I do?

A:

Malic: If your girlfriend specifically wants to make friends outside of your own social circle, then this is on her. Acknowledge and celebrate moments when you notice your girlfriend putting herself out there. Is she attending an online event? Is she making plans with an acquaintance she’d like to get to know? Tell her you think that’s great! Make sure that you’re maintaining your own friendships, too. It’s important for all of us to have support systems outside of our relationships, and if your girlfriend observes how well that’s working for you, she might be inspired to craft a similar network for herself.

Vanessa: I agree with Malic – I think you sound very sweet, but this is very much not something that you can control. Unfortunately we are all feeling pretty lonely these days; we’re nearing a year of pretty extreme social isolation. But even not during a pandemic, one person in a relationship may feel more lonely than the other because she has a smaller or less supportive social group outside of the partnership, and the only thing the partner can do in these situations is A. be supportive of her creating her own connections and B. maintain good boundaries. I think in so far as like, “what can I do,” the only concrete action item is make sure not to turn every social thing into a group hang. If your girlfriend works to create new connections with new pals, let her maintain those as individual hangs, and make sure you’re maintaining some of your connections as individual hangs, too. You can both have individual hangs with the same friends, but the key is making sure to not turn yourselves into one of those couples where it’s impossible to see one partner without the other. Maintain autonomy! Maintain individual relationships! It’s good for the soul (and your friendships, and your romantic relationship). It’s natural for a couple to have a lot of overlapping friends, and if you have a more solid social group for whatever reason it’s even natural for lots of your friends to become your girlfriend’s friends, too. But it sounds like she’s explicitly looking for some friends outside of that dynamic, so encourage her, support her, and make sure you both maintain good boundaries. Outside of that, you don’t have a role in this specific journey! It’s on her, and it will be helpful for you both to recognize that.

Kayla: The only thing you can really do is be supportive. She clearly wants to make friends in an independent way, so you should be fairly hands off about it. Be encouraging of her endeavors and don’t make her feel like she HAS to hang out with your friends all the time. Even though she’s lonely, it does sound like she’s craving some independence in her social life, so just be supportive of that without being overbearing.

Carolyn: I agree with the above points about maintaining your own independent relationships, including friendships. The best thing you can do is to encourage her to make space for herself to pursue her own new friendships, and then respect that space and those boundaries.

Q2:

Has anyone gone from not enjoying receiving oral very much to enjoying it more? Any tips?

A:

Vanessa: Before answering, I want to ask: what is the impetus here? Like I guess I’m wondering if you (or your sex partner) don’t enjoy receiving oral very much, why not just… do something else? There may be a legit reason (“I want to enjoy this act more!”) or there may be a less legit reason (“My partner is pressuring me to do this thing I don’t want to do”) but before we go any further I want to be sure you’re asking this from a place of personal desire.

If your reason for seeking this advice is because you just want to, first of all hell yeah for looking to grow your pleasure experiences and second of all here are some tips from me. I personally have historically not really enjoyed receiving oral very much, but with my current partner I’ve grown to like it a lot. It’s still not something I want all the time, but when I do want it, I really like it.

My hot tips:

• Do it with someone you’re comfortable with. Doesn’t have to be a partner or True Love or anything, but should be someone you feel good and safe with.
• Don’t be afraid to be really vocal about what feels good and what doesn’t feel good. Every body is different (literally) and someone who is enthusiastic about performing oral sex is going to be grateful to receive direct feedback about what is and isn’t working for you.
• Don’t pressure yourself to orgasm from oral.
• If you like penetration, consider asking for mouth PLUS fingers.
• If you keep not enjoying it, stop and do something different.

Malic: Vanessa nailed this! I’m just popping in to add this: figuring out how much pressure feels best to you definitely comes with a learning curve. Put yourself in control by getting a “face sitting” position. This doesn’t mean that you literally put all of your body weight on your partner’s mouth. Get on your hands and knees (or keep your knees on the bed and lean your arms against a wall), position your genitals over your partner’s lips and press against their mouth (or pull away) as needed.

Kayla: Vanessa really covered this so well, and I do think it’s a little hard to give specific advice without more context for your situation, but I just wanted to broadly say that specific sex wants/likes can and do change for various reasons. It can change with different partners, alongside other life changes like just age, or changes in anxiety/stress levels, etc. There are things I thought I didn’t like or actively didn’t like in my early 20s that I very much like now. But it’s also fine if you never end up liking certain things! Only you can really know your truest desires. But sexual interests can definitely change, and if this is something you genuinely want to explore, I think you should follow Vanessa’s specific hot tips! And Malic’s! Variations in pressure can make a big difference!

Carolyn: Chiming in with “Vanessa’s answer is perfect.” And additionally, on knowing what you like when it comes to oral and being able to share that with a partner, genital mapping – figuring out, by yourself, what types of touch you like where and how and with what pressure and at what angle and for how long – can be a great way to figure that out. Even though it shouldn’t, it can still feel a little awkward to ask someone whose head is in your crotch to “try a little to the left, no not that far left, okay what about up, no not up wait what about” and instead a lot more straightforward to say “please make circles on my upper left quadrant” or whatever. Even if you still aren’t sure about oral, this kind of exercise is a great way to get more in touch (sorry) with your sexual responses and what you like, which can benefit any type of sex.

Q3:

Is there a way to hint that you’re kinky in a mainstream kind of dating app with your face on it (e.g. Hinge or Bumble)? I’d normally be pretty forthright with it, except that I want to pursue public librarianship and might jeopardize my career if I were just like “interested in being hit with implements”. Afaik FetLife is basically dead. Lex is a fine option, I guess, but I’ve had a really good experience with Hinge. I’m not looking for a 24/7 BDSM dynamic; is it just a reality that I probably won’t be able to screen for sexual compatibility on a mainstream dating app like I can screen for things like whether or not they want kids?

A:

Vanessa: I was just talking to one of my best friends about this, specifically in the context of her being like “idk I feel like my kinky desires are really obvious online in the way I present myself [on Twitter, etc] but it turns out it really does not read that way to people who aren’t kinky!” Which is to say, I think in some ways kink cues that seem really obvious to those of us who also identify as kinky are… not that obvious to more vanilla people or perhaps people who simply don’t know these codes. Which is great news for your specific question here!

This isn’t the most action-oriented advice, but I do feel like there is a sort of energy you can put into your dating app that should signal to other people who are on the same wavelength as you what you are/aren’t into. No where on my tinder profile do I say “I AM A BOTTOM” but I have had multiple tops look at my profile and say “lol, yeah, of course you are a bottom” (to which I say, tysm). Flagging, tongue in cheek photos or phrases, emojis, and again, a general ~vibe~ can do some of the subtle work I think you’re asking about here. Also, while not as forward as simply noting it on your profile, if you match with someone and are then comfortable checking in with them about their likes/dislikes, you could screen that way. I have totally asked Tinder matches if they’re tops because I felt it would be a waste of both of our time if they weren’t down to fuck with a certain preestablished dynamic. As I become more and more comfortable in my own kinky identity, I will probably start to ask even more pointed questions.

The last thing I will say, though, is to not discount people who don’t actively identify as kinky, depending on the type of play you’re looking for. While it’s important to make sure someone is skilled at using certain implements for safety, if you’re really looking for a specific power dynamic, sometimes I’ve found that totally organically with people who never in the past identified as kinky but who totally turned out to be very into playing with power with me. I hope this is helpful; good luck out there, both with librarianship and online dating!

Malic: Sometimes words and phrases like “adventurous” or abbreviations that folks outside of the kink community might not understand (like “D/s”) can do a lot of work for you in dating profiles. But even if you start matching with kinky people, it doesn’t mean that they’ll be into the same flavor of kink that you like. Put it all out there up front so you don’t end up on a date with a human pup when what you wanted was a latex-loving domme.

Kayla: Yeah, I absolutely agree with everyone else. I think working some subtle clues into your profile is all you need to initially do but then once you actually start messaging someone, you can be more upfront about your specific interests. In the past, I’ve always used sexting to convey some of my specific interests and to get a gauge on someone else’s interests and know if we’re compatible. If you’re not comfortable talking kink even in private messages over a dating app, you can suggest texting or another form of communication to someone you match with. Sometimes it helps the conversation flow more to move things off the app anyway! As for the profile, you don’t have to be too explicit if you don’t want to be. I understand wanting to screen for sexual compatibility right away, but I also think it’s hard to summarize one’s desires within the limits of a dating profile, so you might just need to use some hint words like Malic mentioned and then be more direct at the next stage.

Carolyn: I completely understand your concerns, and also the only way to get what you want is to ask for it. If you don’t want to include it right on your profile (which: fair), then I’d recommend making it part of the first few messages in a given exchange with a match.

Q4:

Hello! I was always wondering where this “contact box” is when I would read the advice articles, but couldn’t find it… lo and behold my brain was just filtering out the sidebar?? Anyway.

Maybe this will read as one of those questions that should end in “don’t worry about labels, and also communicate, and also live your best life!” responses, but I’m having some trouble thinking through the specifics.

A few years ago I came to the conclusion that I was more gay than bi because, whenever I was in a relationship with a cis man, I would inevitably want to be with someone who is not a cis man. Always. So I pushed down my attraction to men, until I couldn’t deny my attraction to a particular man, and after a lot of existential crises started dating him. And with that, I tried to be more conscious of eradicating internalized bi-phobia/bi-erasure.

But! Now that whole feeling of “I want to be with people who are not cis men” has crept back up. I am trying to figure several things out, namely

1) How do I separate this specific feeling from the general idea of wanting to explore non-monogamy? I like a lot of things about this person and about our relationship. But the fact that I am questioning myself means that I don’t want to slap non-monogamy on this relationship if it is just the “easiest” way to try to get what I want (dating more queer folks!). How can I tell if I want to be non-monogamous in *this* relationship or if I want to exist outside of this relationship (possibly non-monogamously) in general?

2) How do you even talk to a partner about this? And, relatedly, how do you reconcile your own identity? Like I know my attraction to him was real before, but this pattern of “growing tired” of cis men seems to be too consistent to ignore. I don’t want to fall for another cis man down the line and then say “oh wait nevermind”

3) How do I … talk to him about this, period? We were long distance before COVID (relationship started in person and then job stuff forced a move) and now we haven’t seen each other in a year. This doesn’t seem to be the sort of conversation we would have virtually, but maybe that means I have spent a whole year not communicating the way that would serve me best. This thing that I have been grappling runs so deep in my identity/what I want out of life that it seems too big to ignore, but I also don’t want one of us to have to wait until COVID ends to go across the country to the other and end with me letting him down.

Sorry if that was a jumbled mess. Everything seems messy from my perspective because I am trying to untangle my own identity from my feelings about this relationship from big general questions about the future (prompted by isolation and some impending career changes for me). I am hoping an outside perspective will help bring some clarity, or at least prompt me in the general direction of seeking clarity out on my own. Love you all!

A:

Vanessa: You are self-aware, because before you even begin your question you acknowledge that perhaps the response could be, “don’t worry about labels, and also communicate, and also live your best life!” And, sure. Those are good guiding principles always, and I think it’s great to ground your behavior in those sentiments. But you say you’re having trouble with the specifics, and you’re looking for an outside source to help with clarity, so I think it’s fair to break down some of these larger questions into smaller questions.

From my read, it seems you have asked your questions in opposing order of importance.

The number one issue, honestly, is that you and your partner have been long-distance for a full year during an extremely stressful international health crisis, and it sounds like you don’t feel very connected anymore. Frankly, no matter who you were dating or how you identified, you may feel distant and disconnected from your current person because of the circumstances. I think it’s fair to note that you may be feeling differently about your partner right now if you weren’t long distance, that your feelings may shift from where they are now if you start living in the same place again, and also that you may have simply fallen out of love/attraction/connection with your partner because of the distance and it may never come back. I don’t think the priority needs to be Figuring Out Everything About Yourself, Your Sexuality, Your Dating Style, And Your Life, I think the priority needs to be deciding how you either are or are not going to continue dating the person you’re currently in a long distance relationship with.

I don’t know how long you two have been together, but it’s definitely at least a year. I agree, hard conversations are not ideal to have virtually, but you two are long distance and haven’t been able to see each other for a whole year! It’s honestly not a great sign to know you’ve been avoiding any challenging conversations for that entire time, because the fact is these are the parameters of your relationship right now and your question doesn’t indicate those parameters are changing any time soon, and you have to communicate honestly in a relationship for it to keep working.

Figure out if you want to be with your partner or not anymore (from the question it sounds like a no to me but I don’t want to be hasty) and then talk to him ASAP. It’s not just that avoiding this topic doesn’t serve you best – it doesn’t serve him, either. You asked for specifics and clarity, and that is my number one tip. You can spend the rest of your life diving deep into your own wants and needs, and you should! I can’t tell you if you’re gay or bi, I can’t tell you if you’re monogamous or polyamorous or somewhere in between. Those labels don’t have to be fixed and you may find yourself identifying in different ways and wanting different things over time. All of that is totally okay. But at this particular moment, there is another person involved, and while if he’s a good partner he’ll be kind and supportive about you learning more about yourself… it’s unfair to him to just keep him entirely removed from how this inner work may affect him.

It’s totally okay to want to break up for any reason at all. You don’t even need a reason! Leaving a relationship is always a choice you have, and you aren’t bad or wrong to make it. But not being honest with a partner or withholding the information you have once you know you want to leave is unfair and unkind, and you both deserve better. If you have a strong negative response to this and think, NO! I want to stay with my partner! then that is useful information to understanding if you do actually want to stay in the relationship. But everything you wrote in the original question makes me think you want to end things with your current partner and then take time to think about all the bigger questions, which you’re absolutely entitled to. Just let him know ASAP so he can start doing his own inner work for his own future, too. You both deserve that.

Q5:

Hello!

TLDR: I impulsively signed up for online speed dating in February. Any suggestions for how to make the most of an online date that’s only a few minutes long?

Background: I’ve been on 0 unambiguous dates (many ambiguous dates though) despite being out for about 5 years (I’m in my mid 20s). This is not my forte at all, and since my usual methods of flirting are like 70% collar bone/eye contact based and 30% baked goods I do not know what to say while speed dating virtually. I have never in my life been described as “fun” or “funny” but I am always described as super reliable and thoughtful. Those do not not feel like the qualities that translate well to speed dating though! Any suggestions for how to make the most of the time and not spend it all talking about our jobs or something equally generic would be appreciated!

Thanks!

A:

Malic: I hope you’re proud of yourself for putting yourself out there! Job talk and “where are you from” conversations can be super boring and often don’t tell you much about the person you’re meeting. Here are some alternative questions to get you started:

• Do you have any goals for 2021?
• What makes you laugh?
• How do you like to spend time with your friends?
• What are some of your core values?
• Where do you want to travel?

Sometimes a person’s reaction to what we share can tell us even more about them than their own words. If you have any specific deal-breakers, lay those out up front and see how they respond. Are you looking for a partner who will get along with your dog? Let them know about your furry friend ASAP. Do you want to date someone with radical politics? Tell them about your community organizing work.

Kayla: I definitely think it’s good to have some questions thought out ahead of time that feel specific and not job interviewy. Things that maybe only you’ll ask them. Don’t worry: You don’t need to be overtly funny to be memorable! If you want to write some questions down ahead of time, write down a surplus of them with the understanding that you probably won’t get to all of them/some questions might feel like a better fit for certain people. A big thing will also just be listening and trying to figure out what things the other person wants to talk about.

Carolyn: In addition to Malic and Kayla’s points, it might seem like (or be??) a cheat but I love to ask “What are you hoping I’ll ask about?” as a way to gauge where the other person is hoping the conversation will go and also what’s important to them to connect over.

Q6:

I met a really cute gay girl on a group Zoom a few weeks ago with some mutual friends, and friended her on Facebook afterwords because she was 1) adorable and 2) single and ready to mingle (her words, not mine).

What do I do now to strike up a conversation without being weird? Idk about asking her out on a date bc who knows how long the pandemic will last.

A:

Malic: If this person specifically told you that she’s “single and ready to mingle,” then reaching out is probably a safe bet. And you don’t have to ask her out on a date right away! You only just met. Approach her with the intention of getting to know each other better. Maybe “getting to know each other” looks like going on a socially distant walk or maybe you stick to chatting online for a while. The only way to know if this person is into you is to make a move. Go for it!

Kayla: Shoot your shot, pal! Tell her you really liked meeting her at the Zoom event and would like to keep talking/get to know her. If she’s open to that, then boom you have a conversation going! See where things go! This is a pretty low stakes situation honestly; you won’t know exactly how it’ll go until you go for it and message her, but what’s the worst case scenario exactly? She isn’t interested? That might sting for a little bit, but there’s nothing you can really do about it, and you’ll never know if you don’t shoot your shot!

Carolyn: Ask! For! What! You! Want!

Q7:

What does it mean if someone sees your post on Lex and then follows you on Instagram, but doesn’t say hi or interact otherwise after that?

A:

Vanessa: Haha oh god I mean, it could mean anything, right? I haven’t been on Lex for a minute so apologies if I’m not remembering correctly, but how do you know for sure they saw your post on Lex? Did they like it or interact with it in some way? Anyhow, here are some reasons someone may follow you on IG for any reason, Lex-related or otherwise, and not say hi or interact after that: they thought you were hot but they’re shy, they wanted to see more photos of your pet, they wanted to ask you out but then realized you’re their ex’s ex, they want you to ask them out so they’re lurking, they intended to ask you out but then they got a girlfriend, they’re bored and thought your IG looked fun, it’s a global pandemic and everyone is depressed but still scrolling IG constantly… I could go on but I think you get my point. I’d say if you’re super interested you could go ahead and DM them on Instagram and see what happens, and if you’re not that interested just let it go. Instagram is like the largest queer club in the whole world and sometimes you bump into someone while you’re waiting in line to go to the bathroom and you think they’re hot so you exchange numbers and then you never see them again and sometimes you meet your spouse on the dance floor, you know? Anyway, good luck on Lex and Instagram! In my opinion Instagram itself is the superior dating app, anyway.

Kayla: I agree with Vanessa…it can kind of mean anything lol. A lot of people find online dating—or dating in general—really intimidating and scary and stick to passive-ish interactions like following someone but then not messaging them. A lot of people also just sort of hope someone ELSE will make the first move, which, lol, I wish that wasn’t such a thing! Everyone should just shoot their shot if they wanna!!!!! Like it’s sincerely possible that this person followed you to get your attention and is just hoping you’ll message them first. Which feels like weird games to me personally! But also maybe that’s not what’s happening. I absolutely have a tendency to overanalyze people’s behaviors on social media, so I understand your impulse to search for meaning, but it’s also a little futile. Are you interested in this person? Enough to message them first? You can literally ask them what prompted them to follow you if you want! That might be the only way to actually find out what it Means.

Carolyn: To me, it means nothing unless they make a move or unless you want to make one first yourself. If they don’t, take the drop of serotonin from a new follow and move on. If you don’t, ditto. If you do want to make a move, however, take it as an opportunity to engage outside of Lex and see what happens.

Vanessa: Just want to follow up and make a tiny note here that I am OBSESSED with Carolyn’s commitment to being themselves and always being firm in encouraging the rest of us to follow their lead and ask for what we want and act with confidence and precision. I think if I can conduct my life with 25% of the energy Carolyn has it will be significantly better, so that’s something for all of us to consider as we roll into 2021.

Q8:

How do you live with covid anger? I used to be a people person, liked and was liked by pretty much everyone. Then the pandemic made me a misanthrope. For background, my partner is severely immunocompromised and we live in a country with relatively low covid incidence and lax restrictions. Me and my partner live in a covid hotspot and have been mostly isolated since March, while it seems like other people have gone back to their normal lives (there are new restrictions now but nothing close to a lockdown. our politicians love “recommendations”, there is still no mask mandate. this is no New Zealand, we’ve never been close to zero covid cases). I feel so angry and bitter much of the time! I’m lonely but talking with friends often gets me on an even worse mood, because I don’t like hearing about their social lives. What do I do with this anger and maintain my relationships with people who don’t take covid seriously enough (which is almost everyone)? How do you do it? I feel like anger and resentment are my primary problems, I’m quite used to isolation itself and my relationship with my partner is amazing. I’d love to return to therapy but currently that’s not an option.

A:

Himani: You don’t say this explicitly in your question so this advice may be irrelevant to you, but one of the most important things I’ve found with living with anger is reminding myself that I am allowed to be angry. Feelings don’t require justification, and they don’t have to have an end date. When I try to push away the anger, that’s when I get into trouble because it just fosters greater resentment and me playing a mind game with myself of trying to talk myself down from being angry versus being like “but I have a REASON for being this fucking mad!” So you’re allowed to be angry, especially about COVID of all things, and especially at people who are not taking social distancing seriously. I honestly have no patience for the people who tell me about the great social lives they are living, and so I personally have created some distance with those people specifically. It’s hard, and it sounds very hard in your situation as it seems like many of your friends might fall in this category.

Anger isn’t bad, but what matters is what you do with it and how you act on it (or not). Obviously, raging at people is… not great and (at least in my experience) only ever makes me feel so, so much worse. But bottling things up also makes me feel so much worse. So the question you have to ask yourself is: are there some people you can discuss this with? People that you can approach and say “ok, I want to talk about this because it really upsets me and as my friend, I need you to hear me and understand.” Because the other thing I’ve found is that beneath all the anger, usually, is a lot of pain. Often, I’m angry because I’m hurt, and if I can find a way to articulate that hurt to myself, to the people I’m close to and even to the people who are some of the sources of that pain, it does help lessen some of the anger. As to any conversations with some of the people you’re talking about who aren’t following COVID guidelines that you might consider: what I’m suggesting is thinking about framing those from a place of feeling hurt by the choices the person is making, and how their behavior hurts you as a friend. I don’t mean to imply that you should burden yourself with educating people on what they should or should not be doing during the pandemic — that emotional labor is most definitely not your job. But just consider if there are a few particularly close people that you can talk to not from a frame of “hey you shouldn’t be doing this” but “hey, I’m really hurt because of what’s happening and your role in that.”

And perhaps, there is no one you feel who’s behaving in the ways that make you angry and that you can trust to have that conversation with, who will truly and honestly hear you and be able to take in what you’re saying appropriately. So the last thing I’ll offer is a hell of a lot of rage journaling. I’ve never kept a journal in my life and even as an adult my idea of “journaling” is writing on pieces of scrap paper that eventually (days, weeks, months later) find their way into the recycle bin. But when I’m really wound up with what feels like unbearable amounts of rage and anger and resentment, just writing out everything I’m feeling in all the words I’m feeling them in (no matter how poor the choice of language may be) can be incredibly relieving. Sometimes, when I have been so particularly, incredibly, unbearably mad, I will rage journal and then carefully set that piece of paper on fire (over my empty kitchen sink, of course, so I can control the fire and put it out safely).

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You have every single right to be angry about this. I will close with the thing my therapist keeps reminding me: “Our job right now is to just get through this.” It’s hard, it’s so fucking hard. But this, too, shall pass.

Kayla: Whew, I feel this. I think a lot of people are feeling what you’re feeling, and it’s hard. Covid safety requires a level of transparency and empathy from others that is not always met. I think a lot of people are having to have tough conversations with friends and family about priorities and values. You mentioned your friends…have you expressed some of your frustrations with them? If you want to maintain relationships with people who have different values than you, well, it’s going to be hard! But you definitely can’t do it without talking to them about what you’re feeling. My guess is you’re bottling a lot of things right now, and that’s only going to worsen the anger. If your partner is the only person you’re talking to about it, that could create some relationship issues. I think you need to be as honest as possible with your friends about what you need and expect from them. Your friends should be able to understand why things are different for you and your partner. They should be showing more empathy. Are there ways they can “show up” for you and your partner right now? Can they be making a more conscious effort to have virtual hangouts that you can be a part of? Can they run specific errands for you that might be low risk for them but are high risk for you? I think these are reasonable asks!

Q9:

Though I’ve been out for years, have had serious relationships with women, go to queer events/lesbian bars/etc, and have plenty of lgbtq+ friends, i truly do not feel that I’ve ever found my “queer family” or “chosen family.” I’ve been estranged from my actual family for close to a decade now (because of homophobia, as well as other issues) and I struggle with the idea of forming a new family, or rather, how to actually do so, and why I can’t seem to make it work. My friends are great people, and I’ve had great experiences and lots of fun and good memories… but I’ve also been hurt and disappointed (and i’m sure i’ve hurt and disappointed others, too). My question is partly advice and partly solidarity, really, in that I keep seeing so much talk and focus on the joy found in a “queer family” and making a new family for yourself, and I really envy it, but I can’t honestly say I’ve found one. Can anyone relate?

A:

Himani: As far as advice goes, I’m sure others will have something better to offer than I can. But I’m here for the solidarity part of your question. No, I don’t feel like I have a “chosen” family. I have a lot of friendships that are a lot of work (for all of us) to try to hold together and have involved my making peace with the fact that I’ll only connect with people who are my closest friends intermittently every few months at best. The thing people seem to talk about with chosen family (at least as far as I understand it) of having this core of people who you spend a lot of time with and are like family… Yeah, I can’t say I’ve ever had that or been successful at creating that. I have my sisters who I am incredibly close with, and I am so, so grateful for that. But our history and our family relationship is exactly what keeps us together and close as adults. You say: “I struggle with the idea of forming a new family, or rather, how to actually do so, and why I can’t seem to make it work.” — I promise you, it’s not you. You’re not doing anything wrong. The practical reality is that (a) it takes a certain type of personality to do this (and I do think other factors come into play like age, race/ethnicity, where you live, etc.), (b) it’s a substantial amount of serendipity for it to all come together, (c) society isn’t really structured for this so inevitably people (even queer people) will recede into prioritizing their partnerships and the families they were raised with before any “chosen” family members.

Malic: Your “chosen family” can come from anywhere, and it doesn’t have to be entirely made up of queer folks. I’ve built a chosen family through my work in theater, and most of those family members happen to be straight. They can’t fully understand my lived experience, but they’re damn good people who can offer me support and love.  I also don’t necessarily see my chosen family members all the time. For me, “family” is about how I feel when I’m around someone. If we only connect every few months but it feels like no time has passed when we manage to hang out, that’s family to me. If I know that I can call them during a crisis, that’s family, too.

It can also be hard to make friends in the queer community! Yes, queer family can be beautiful, but queer community can also be toxic, judgemental and filled with your scary exes. Don’t be so hard on yourself if you’re struggling to make queer friends. Your existing friends and coworkers might have a lot to offer, even if they’re straight.

Kayla: I think it could be helpful for you to think about what exactly you want from a chosen family. Why specifically do your current friends fall short of that? Do you want people to spend holidays with? Do you want to form specific traditions and rituals with folks? Do you want people who you can call up on the phone anytime without a heads up? Just like I think it can help people find healthy and fulfilling romantic relationships when they sit down and try to figure out what they want from a partner, I think imagining your ideal chosen family can be a useful way to figure out what specifically you’re looking for. It’s possible that some of your existing friends could even fulfill some of these wants if you talked to them about it. Or it’s possible that you’re going to have to keep looking for these close connections. I don’t think chosen family always happens in a super organic and seamless way. It’s all about figuring out the kinds of friendships you want and then communicating that or finding people will similar priorities.

Q10:

Hi! As a poly queer, I have had the distinct fortune of ending THREE long term committed relationships this year and as of yesterday I am now single for the first time in my adult life. All three were my decision and I am excited to try being by myself but it is still hard. I know AS is a treasure trove of breakup stuff. I’m feeling pretty good about the “honor the relationships, they don’t have to last forever or be perfect to be meaningful” and “let yourself feel your feelings and grieve” parts since I’ve been practicing those after the first two breakups. Do you have any favorite content to recommend for the “focus on myself for once” angle, since that part is new for me? Or any other helpful words or resources? I feel like I’ve grown up with all of you AS staff and I am sorry but grateful that we’ve all gone through stuff like this.

A:

Kayla: Read this excellent essay by Melissa Febos!!! It touches on exactly what you’re talking about. Here’s a taste: “What I needed was a reorientation of focus. I wanted to see myself, not through the imagined gaze of a prospective lover, but shorn of that persona entirely. If I were not a lover, not the pursued or adored or obsessed or idealized or depended upon, then who might I be?”

Carolyn: When you’ve been in relationships for a while, you’ve probably spent at least some time considering what other people want either first or as it relates to what you want. You probably haven’t spent a lot of time being alone in a room with no others to think about but yourself and all of the good and uncomfortable feelings that that can create. Starting there and paying attention to the feelings in your body and to what’s coming up can be a way to figure out what your next step should be.

Q11:

Anyone have experience with a polyam breakup/relationship transition? A partner and I have been together for over two years, and my quality time with them has been significantly reduced due to covid and the fact that I had a kiddo. They continuously express that the now limited time we have together (about twice a week digitally, about once a month physically) is not enough for them. I’m slowly admitting to myself that my schedule may never change back to pre-pandemic or pre-parenthood availability. As a recovering accommodator, how do I express this to someone as directly and kindly as possible?

A:

Carolyn: You sit down together and be upfront and honest and direct about where you are, and you create a space for them to be upfront and direct and honest about where they are as a result. You know what your boundaries are. It’s okay if the two of you no longer line up, but you should talk about it sooner rather than later.

Q12:

Hello! So after a solid decade of wearing my Doc Martens during the winter and my Birkenstock’s in the summer I think I have to admit that my slightly dodgy knees/hips can’t really deal with it. So I’m looking for suggestions of a suitably dykey boot/winter shoe to replace my Docs that have great arch support/are generally orthotically good for me/can be walked in a lot without discomfort. What are my options? I can’t be the only flat footed lesbian with this desire!

A:

Malic: I’m so glad you asked this question! I live in Chicago — land of slushy, mushy winters — so I’m always looking for solid winter boots. Since I’ve been going on a lot of long walks to maintain my mental health during the pandemic, I knew it was time for me to invest in boots that felt supportive and comfortable enough for long-term wear, and Merrell came through. I got a pair that have Vibram soles, so they help me maintain a natural gait and the toe box is big enough to accommodate my wide feet and thick, winter socks. They have a ton of options, and REI usually has some of the older models on sale.

Himani: As a fellow flatfoot, I personally have found that custom orthotics made by a podiatrist are a must for me. They are expensive and even if you have health insurance they’re usually not covered because they’re considered “cosmetic” (don’t even get me started…) but they’ll last several years, and they’ve made a world of a difference in my life. For a variety of foot-related reasons I’ve completely given up on any remotely cute-looking shoes (I tried Doc Martens once and they were too narrow for my feet and a pain to try to get my orthotics in and out of). I generally find boots to be way too narrow in the toe box (even when buying the wide), but I have had a lot of success with this boot from Solomon.

Kayla: Hi hello, another flat footed lesbian here! I second Malic’s Merrell rec. I’ve loved every pair of Merrell shoes I’ve ever had. I’ve also had luck with Sorel boots, which got me through multiple Chicago winters. Thick socks also help me out a lot! I like the brand Darn Tough. I also like browsing The Walking Company, because they specifically focus on comfortable shoes and carry lots of different brands.

Q13:

I believe my girlfriend of almost six years and I are breaking up, but I feel relieved. They are a very black and white thinker, so while I don’t regret the time we’ve spent together and would love to stay in touch or at least civil, I suspect they are going to go scorched earth. If they do end up saying shit about me publicly, how do I defend myself without being shitty back?

A:

Malic: If you “believe” you and your girlfriend are breaking up and are feeling relieved, then rip the bandaid off and officially end the relationship. If your post-breakup worries are actualized, remember that sometimes the best defense is no defense at all. Publicly dragging someone after a breakup is not a good look. If your ex decides to do that, don’t get involved. No one wants to watch your post-breakup fight on Twitter, and you’ll gain the respect of your peers by being the bigger person here.

That said, if you’re worried that your ex is going ham on the post-breakup anger train with mutual friends, reach out to those friends privately. If they’re good people, they’ll understand that there are two (or more) sides to every breakup. It also might be a good idea to cut off contact with your ex and block them on social media for a while if they start engaging in this kind of behavior. The breakup is over, and just because your ex is still mired in post-breakup anger, it doesn’t mean that you have to be in the turmoil with them. Move on and focus on yourself.

Kayla: Honestly, this question kind of prompts a lot of questions from me. Why do you “believe” that you and your girlfriend are breaking up? If that’s something that would make you feel relieved, you should probably move forward with breaking up with them. Dragging things out will usually only make it worse. Also, it’s important to be emotionally honest in a relationship, and if you want the relationship to be over, you should end it. Are there specific reasons why it hasn’t ended yet? Also, is this fear of them “going scorched earth” the REASON why you haven’t gone through with the breakup yet? Because that’s frankly not a very good reason. I also just don’t totally understand why you’re so sure that this is going to be the outcome. Have they done something similar to you or others in the past? Have they threatened to publicly drag you if you breakup with them. If so, then yikes, it really is time to get out of that relationship. Or is this stemming from some control issues that you might have? I think everyone can relate to wanting to be in control of the narrative when a relationship ends or something dramatic happens. But that simply just isn’t how it really works. If your ex wants to say bad things about you, they’re going to say bad things about you. The best thing you can do is be honest with your friends, not engage with your ex, and be clear about your boundaries and put as much space between you and your ex as possible.

Q14:

Help! My Girlfriend’s Best Friend Won’t Drop a 5-Years-Long Grudge Against Me!

I’m 24 and two years out of college. My current girlfriend (“Julie”) and I met in the first semester of college and became VERY close, VERY fast. Around the end of the first semester, I had anxiety about how close we were and ultimately slowly ghosted our friendship. I felt horrible at the time, went to the campus therapy office, finally started getting to the bottom of this anxiety, and learned how to acknowledge and work through it so I wouldn’t hurt anyone else (it was a pattern in my life, I had this reaction to other friendships before and this time it was so upsetting I finally got help).

At the beginning of sophomore year, I reached out to Julie to reconcile. We got coffee, talked through everything, I apologized, she accepted. We left in good spirits, though obviously I couldn’t magically heal the hurt. We didn’t really become close again or hang out for the rest of college, though we have always shared mutual friends.

Enter “Mia”. She and Julie became very close friends the semester after I ghosted, so Mia got a front-row seat to the pain I had caused Julie and understandably did not like me! Mia and I have never been friends though we also share friends. Mia and Julie remain BFF to this day.

A few months after graduation, I ran into Julie at a bus stop in the city we both still live in, and we reconnected. We started hanging out, watching women’s soccer and L Word Gen Q (LOL) and becoming close again!

I felt like we were flirting and knew I was developing a crush. I told her how I felt, she felt the same way, and now we’ve been dating for four months.

Problem is, her BFF Mia apparently still hates my guts.

She has been cold to me the few times we’ve seen each other, and my GF confirmed that she still harbors a grudge.

Julie has told Mia that she has forgiven me for the past ghosting and that she really wants Mia to drop it, but Mia won’t.

It makes me so angry. I get mad when Julie brings Mia up, I feel resentful when they hang out. It makes my stomach upset and my blood boil and I feel so angry and embarrassed and helpless! I don’t ever freak out at Julie and haven’t gotten angry with her at all, just explained that knowing Mia hates me is hard for me and so it’s also hard for me to hear about how she’s doing, etc. I make every possible effort to act normal about this, listen happily to stories about Mia, etc, but it’s so hard.

I asked Julie if I could talk to Mia or maybe write a letter or something, anything to give her a chance to air grievances and clear the air, but Julie claims this is something Mia just needs to “get over”.

I feel so stuck. Please help!!! thank you!!! <3 <3 <3a

A:

Malic: Mia’s behavior sucks. There’s a difference between sharing concerns for your friend’s emotional safety and holding a grudge, especially when that grudge involves being intentionally cold to your best friend’s partner. I’m a little surprised that Julie doesn’t seem bothered by Mia’s behavior. Unfortunately, I think Julie is the one who has to take the reins here. It’s on Julie to tell Mia, “This is who I’m dating now. This person is important to me, and if you want to be a supportive friend, you have to get on board.” Tell Julie that it’s important that she advocate for you, and if you want to ask for limited contact with Mia, that is 100% valid.

Vanessa: I agree that Mia’s behavior is not ideal, but I’m personally more frustrated with Julie here. I’m… not 100% sure why you have such detailed intel on how Mia feels about you, if it’s not relevant to your relationship with Julie.

Maybe I’m biased, but I often find myself frustrated or upset with the people my friends date. I have very high standards for how my pals should be treated and I do sometimes hold a grudge. But I know that my friends are all grown ups and it’s up to THEM who they want to date, and unless someone is genuinely abusing them (not the case in the situations I’m referencing and obviously not the case for you), it’s none of my business what they do. My feelings won’t change what they do. I can be honest with them if I think they’re dating someone who doesn’t treat them right, but if they tell me they’re happy, that’s that. I have never ever told a friend’s partner that I don’t like them, and I am fairly certain my friends have not shared that intel with these folks, either. I’m an important person to my friends, sure, but I’m not a member of their relationship. So again, I find myself confused why Mia is showing up so prominently in yours.

Mia may never forgive you. That kind of doesn’t matter. Julie should be able to make clear boundaries around her partnership with you and her friendship with Mia, and you should not have to hear about Mia if all there is to say is how much she dislikes you. Hopefully over time she’ll see that you make her best friend happy and she will change her feelings (I have had this happen to me over time, where someone who hurt my friend did change her ways and so I did let go of my grudge) but at the end of the day, you’re not dating Mia. You’re dating Julie. I don’t really believe that Mia has to get on board, but I do believe it’s Julie’s responsibility to make it clear to Mia that she’s with you now and Mia doesn’t have a say in it. I hope she can draw these firm boundaries because otherwise I think she’ll end up having to choose between the two of you and that will suck for everyone.

Kayla: I’m with Vanessa here. It doesn’t sound like Julie is being super understanding toward you about this. Is she just fine with her best friend hating her partner? That’s a little weird and toxic imo! It sounds like Mia isn’t being protective of Julie so much as being controlling and overbearing by holding this grudge. It puts you in a really strange position, and I truly have to wonder why Julie is fine with that! You mentioned that you’ve already explained to Julie how you feel about the situation…did she do anything to address it further with Mia after that? I obviously don’t think you can—or should—tell Julie you don’t want Mia in your lives at all. But I do think you can set some clear boundaries like not wanting to hear about Mia if Mia is indeed just continuing to say bad things about you. And I do think Julie needs to know exactly how uncomfortable this is for you and then it should really be on her to make some choices here as to how she interacts with Mia and mitigates the situation.

Q15:

My representative in the house is one of the ones who objected to the electoral college count. Is there anything I can do about them besides contacting them? They even got re-elected in the 2020 election 🤦‍♀️😡

A:

Himani: Call them every single day (that you have the energy to do so), and tell them that you are a constituent who finds their behaviour unethical, undemocratic, unconstitutional, etc. etc. To the extent that you can, get other people in your locality to do the same. It’s about applying consistent public pressure. At the same time, I do believe that we’ve reached the point that some of these elected officials truly do not care about the people who didn’t vote for them, and so it might not carry much weight. So the next thing is to set up your district for trying to flip in the 2022 elections. See what organizations in your area are doing work around GOTV / tackling voter suppression and who’s in the pipeline for the Democratic primary. Donate money and volunteer your time to the extent that you have financial and emotional resources to do either or both of those things.

Q16:

How do I get a wonderful, endorphin-inducing new relationship out of my head when I’m doing things that don’t have to do with her? Like, I have the best time with her when we’re together and I really really like her and am excited to keep seeing her AND my brain does this thing where it keeps flitting to her when I want it to focus on other things, like work or friends or art. And then I remember that I always have this problem when I’m way into someone. I have been more or less single for a few years and I like the way I am able to focus easily on all areas of my life when there isn’t this PERSON who keeps being on the front of my mind. Is there some way to learn to compartmentalize these happy, crush-y feelings and only have them at convenient times?!

A:

Malic: This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but I think the only thing you can do is wait this out. When you start a new relationship, your body starts producing more dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and other neurotransmitters that flood our brains with all kinds of crushy, obsessive feelings. This reaction fades with time, so don’t worry — you won’t be hyper-focused on your partner forever.

Kayla: I agree with Malic and also I totally relate to this situation. I really do just think it’s mostly a chemical thing! It feels really good to be into someone new, and it ends up taking over your brain. I think it’ll lessen over time, but I also think it’s important to keep certain behaviors in check like making sure that even though you might be thinking about her all the time, you maintain other priorities and don’t just like drop everything you’re doing in order to see/talk to her all the time or change your plans merely to cater to her. That’s where things can start to teeter into obsessive territory which can lead to codependency or other issues.

Carolyn: I’m not exactly an advocate for compartmentalization, but sometimes telling your brain “that’s not what we’re doing right now” can be a way to manage distracting feelings of any kind. Know you have to focus on a task and keep finding your mind drifting her? Try telling yourself that’s not what you’re doing right now, but you can do that a little when you’re done [whatever the thing is], as a treat.

Q17:

My girlfriend of almost a year is saying that she wants to explore her sexuality (she identifies as bi, questioning being a lesbian) and asking if she can try sleeping with a cis straight man to see what it would be like again. It has been almost a decade since she has slept with men. Our initial agreement is that we’re both monogamous and I want it to stay that way but do not want to deprive her of exploration and experiences. I don’t know what to do.

A:

Malic: It’s great that your girlfriend feels safe enough with you to bring this up. It’s clear that you want to support her exploration, but I think your framing is off here. You get to decide how this works together. Maybe sleeping with a man would be a one-off thing for your girlfriend and wouldn’t require you to fully restructure your relationship. There might be a version of this that feels better to you, so think through all of the options before you come to any conclusions.

That said, if you decide that you’re not comfortable with your girlfriend sleeping with someone else, that’s completely valid! You’re not being fucked up when you’re maintaining your boundaries! Partners enter into relationships with certain expectations, and when one person wants to change those expectations, those partners have to reimagine the relationship together, compromise, OR part ways if it’s clear that their needs and/or values don’t align.

Kayla: It’s absolutely up to you to decide what you’re comfortable with. I understand the impulse to want to be supportive of your partner, but if non-monogamy is in no way for you, that’s okay! I think any poly situation where someone in the relationship does not actually want to be poly but is just doing it because their partner wants to is a lil doomed. You telling your partner that you don’t want her to sleep with men is NOT the equivalent of you stifling her sexuality or depriving her. It has to be a two-way street here. And that’s tough, because it means the possibility of a relationship ending if she decides this is something that she needs and you decide that you don’t want it. But doing something that you don’t want to do doesn’t exactly make for a great relationship and will honestly possibly lead to a breakup anyway. So you just need to be clear with her about what your boundaries are and then go from there. Don’t feel pressured to compromise if it’s truly not what you want in your relationship.

Q18:

Hey! I love the look of wildfang’s coveralls and want to buy some, but I’m not totally sure how to style them as a femme person. Any tips?

A:

Kayla: You don’t really have to do too much styling to the garment itself, and that’s the beauty of a one-piece outfit. So I’d say lean into the accessories. I like how the coveralls look unzipped significantly with either a cute bralette or tank underneath and maybe some layered necklaces. I also like them rolled at the bottom with either a high-top sneaker or chunky heel.

Q19:

Hey you wonderful swarm of honey bees,

I have a problem. Few months ago I found (rather by accident) my new roommate on okc. We both liked each other and agreed to switch between being roommates and seeing each other on dates, as long as they would be casual. We agreed to prioritise our shared flat, and also to talk about on regular basis, how we feel about this “roommate+” situation. Messy, I know! But it worked pretty good for the last few months until my roommate catched feelings. I like her a lot, but would rather end the dating part than to look for a new roomie. She wants to continue, but I don´t think it would be a good idea though.. Help me please… (And feel free to correct my sentences, since I am not a native speaker :)

A:

Malic: You and your roommate decided to open the door to dating, and now you have to deal with the consequences. You don’t want to date this person anymore. She’s still into you. Continuing to live together after you break it off will probably be uncomfortable for both of you, so make sure that untangling your living situation is part of the conversation.

Kayla: Even though the situation you entered into was casual, you still have to think of this as a breakup, because it sounds like you want to end the roommates + relationship as it stands. If your roomie has feelings and wants more and you don’t, then ending the casual dates does sound like the best approach. You have to be open to the idea that your roomie might decide she doesn’t want to live with you anymore though. As with any breakup, both people get to decide how much they want each other in their lives moving forward. So even though you want to avoid finding a new roommate, it’s possible that ending the other part of the relationship will lead to that, and you have to be okay with that.

Q20:

Hey AS folks! I’m an early 30s cis lesbian in a smallish city. I came out in my mid-20s and was sick for a few years not long after that, so I don’t have a ton of dating experience. But I think I have now dated enough people to conclude that I just don’t like kissing? At best, it feels like, “Okay, this is a thing I’m doing with my body, whatever” and at worst it feels like some weird dental procedure. I’m not ace, although maybe a bit aro?, and I like doing other non-kissing stuff. I’ve never told anyone I’ve dated about this. What do I do?! It seems like being upfront about this in my dating profile would really narrow down my already tiny dating pool. But it also seems like it would be hurtful to tell someone months or years into a relationship. Do I take it to my grave? How can I find the 0.001% of the population that is queer women who also don’t like kissing? Should I just lean into the maybe-aro thing and save up for a tiny house with a dog? Also, would love to see more aro content on AS! Thanks!

A:

Malic: Everyone has different intimacy preferences. Some people hate penetration. Cuddling makes some folks feel claustrophobic. You don’t like kissing, and that’s ok! You don’t have to put a label on that (unless that’s something that would feel good for you). Since you only mentioned kissing, I’m assuming that you’re still into other kinds of physical intimacy (sex, cuddling, holding hands, kissing a person’s neck or cheek instead of their mouth; etc.). When you’re talking to potential partners, let them know what kinds of intimacy you do enjoy when you tell them that kissing isn’t really your thing. They might feel more comfortable opening up about their own preferences after you introduce the topic.

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