Illustrations by Rory Midhani
Slice
Slice is the number one search result on Google when you move to a new city and look up “lesbian bars (your city).” Slice’s aesthetic is a little bit like stepping into a lava lamp. Lots of pink and purple hues, and furniture is maybe floating? The music is so loud that the bartenders are already furious at you for even trying to order a drink. You won’t be getting the additional water you ordered, and shame on you for coming here tonight.
Liquor Boxx
Here’s a moment in my life that continues to break me spiritually: I’m driving with my mom — a virtuous woman — and we’re stopped behind a truck at a light with a sticker that reads “Liquor Box.” This light? This light is so long. So long that both of us take the time to let our eyes wonder, train them on the sticker, ponder it silently, and unsatisfied with how our internal monologues are interpreting its meaning, begin to repeat it to each other, out loud. “Liquor box,” my mom says with the cadence of pouring a cup of tea. “Liquor box,” I say, unsure both of the word “liquor” and “box.” “Liquor box.” “Liquor box.” “Liquor boxxxx,” my mom hums. My sister-in-law is in the back seat, internally screaming. My mom and I both, “liquor box” one more time, and this one hits for me — and while I will never know, based on the landing I assume for my mom as well — right around the “box” part. The only sound in the car that remains is the clicking of the blinker. This bar is a little like that!
Bar Batch
Hey, is the the plural of a butch a batch? It seems like a fun word for a fun group. Bar Batch is where you go when you want to watch 13 different TV screens at the same time, drink appropriately priced drinks, and attempt an almost impossible night of trivia. Bartenders and servers call you “baby” and it feels right.
The Lounge Lounge
I don’t know what it is about lounges that validate the gay experience, but we do love a lounge. There’s one here in Nashville called — of course — The Lipstick Lounge, and there’s a permit there that makes it illegal to dance if both feet aren’t on the ground. Good thing I already dance with the Lord in my heart! The Lounge Lounge allows dancing of all kinds and it even has a room upstairs that’ll turn a blind eye to whatever you might do upstairs at a bar!
Yearn
Yearn is honestly a little too much. Yearn is the bar equivalent of Marina’s voice on Jenny’s voicemail that one time when she’s like, “Jenny. I was just… thinking about you.” Marina! Just trying to get a couple drinks here. Yearn has a bunch of sex music on, the same music you might hear in a Hilton after hours lobby, and yet no one is dancing or talking. Even friends that came together are just silently sitting around a table.
Moist
Moist has become the most popular queer night even though literally every single person besides me hates their name. These tongue in cheek go-getters leave no triangle design unturned. Triangles are everywhere. Do other shapes exist? Interesting thought, but no. The location changes each month and progressively building codes become less and less an issue. Eventually there’s one Moist event where you look around and you realize you’ve all broken into a vacant home.
Now you too can make your lesbian bar dreams come true with this paper play set! Print it out and create your own.
Click image to enlarge
*googles directions to Bar Batch*
okay but where is Bar Batch and when can we go ?
Also forever in love with the “player set”.
chloe bar batch.. is in our hearts
Brilliant! I’ve been to “Slice” and a lot of “Moist” nights. I survived. Would love me some “Liquor Box” though. Intriguing.
“I survived.”
This is hilarious and cute but makes me kinda sad that there aren’t lesbian spaces, at least that I’ve seen. Anyway, everyone loves a lounge.
I would go to any of these if they were within a 60 mile radius of me.
This is so amazing in so many ways. I am printing out this play set RIGHT NOW.
Everything about this is amazing.
I’m old so I want a 24 hour gay bookstore with good coffee and quiet music and soft places to sit. Name it The Boy in the Boat or something.
This is my vision for a business I will open in my backyard except it will also be a queer & feminist library
THE BOY IN THE BOAT
if this existed, it would be my bar. my bar is a bookstore! now i know. thank you! Edit: my bar is a bookstore that serves 5-dollar nachos with glorious fake cheese. and 7-up.
Anyone else hoping that The Boy in the Boat will make a sneak preview at camp? Coffee, quiet music and a place to read/discuss books. Sounds awesome.
there is an a-camp library in the [relatively quiet] crafting cabin! just for the record. you could definitely bring you own coffee and perfectly lovely time.
Thank you, that is valuable information!
If you build it, they will come.
The Boi in the Boat
YES YES YES
Any and every time one of my friends muses about opening their own business, I tell them to open a lesbian cafe/bookstore combo. If they’re straight, they laugh but I’m not joking. I know what my people need.
Sounds like my idea of heaven.
Liquor Boxx? I don’t even know ‘er.
I go to Moist about once a year, and that feels just right.
I will admit it took me a long time to get Liquor Box. Longer than you and your mom, probably, and definitely longer than your sister-in-law. Is it a play off Litter Box, I wondered, cuz queer ladies all love cats? When I finally said it out loud, though, time stopped. It was brilliant.
oh it’ll get you whether you’re ready for it or not
I just moved from Nashville. The Lipstick Lounge is both notorious and beloved. I definitely picked up my first girl in a bar there. I definitely had sex and vomited in that bathroom. I sang so much karaoke. Oh, the memories.
I host trivia at the Lipstick Lounge in Nashville, and about died when I saw the bars name. Actually laughed out loud about the upstairs – oooog LL. Love it and wouldn’t change it for the world. :)
Haha whoops, posted that in the wrong spot – damn phone! Ad I didn’t know you moved from Nashville!!
God, Rory’s illustrations make me happy! This is brilliant.
They are so good!!
This just makes me sad that a) there are no lesbian bars and b) I can’t drink because of my anti-depressants and c) hate bars anyway because they are loud and crowded. WOE IS ME! At least Sacramento has the Lavender Library!
I can’t drink that much for medical reasons. Doesn’t mean I don’t bloody love an afternoon in a pub or a night in a club. WE WILL NOT BE STOPPED.
Good for you! I, however, would rather meet LGBTQ+ folks in a less crowded/noisy/sweaty environment.
Ohhhhhh bestirs just moved to Sacramento I will tell them!
Tell this person to message me!
Sounds like Slice is the bar for you!
I most def want to go to all of these, including the terrible sounding ones.
I’ve been really into the idea of, I dunno, reimagining/revisiting childhood through a queer lens lately (Lumberjanes, Wambach Barbie, etc.), so basically, I want some queer paper dolls and I want them to go to these bars.
Yes and Yes and Yes.
like, i thought i was ready for this post and these illustrations, but i wasn’t? i wasn’t.
i mean is yearn not dead on
God this is the greatest. I feel like in Seattle all the nights are some version of moist.
What happens when a foot comes off the ground at the lounge lounge? I can only imagine putting a foot on a chair to more thoroughly hump somebody, which sounds sort of hilarious and horrifying.
seattle/pdx moists MAY have been my inspo here
#GotOutThere pub crawl anyone?
Now I don’t have to go out and meet real friends, I can just print this out and stick them in my apartment. Look at all the friends I just made!
Comment award !
Bar Batch is by far and away the only one for me. Directions, please?
The lesbian bar in SLC closed two Decembers ago, I wasn’t even there to see its demise. When I lived in Utah, I went there for karaoke nights and always felt like a traitor for being partially responsible for bringing the dude count up bringing my dude friends.
I host trivia at the Lipstick Lounge in Nashville, and about died when I saw the bars name. Actually laughed out loud about the upstairs – oooog LL. Love it and wouldn’t change it for the world. :)
Lindsey!!
Erin!!! Haha!!! ❤️
Using the manager’s printer tomorrow woooooo
This was great- I laughed a lot!
I need to find bar batch. Loving batch as a collective noun. I shared a house with two other lesbians and a straight gal, if one of our girlfriends was round she referred to us as a dungaree of lesbians. Apparently 4 was the minimum for a dungaree.
oh my god ‘a dungaree’ is perfect
These illustrations are so fantastic. 10/10 would visit any of these bars, even yearn, probably especially yearn….
RORY I LOVE YOU
Erin I love you too and the writing is so fantastic that I actually, literally, did laugh out loud several times.
BUT I JUST NEED EVERYONE TO LOVE RORY’S ART LIKE I LOVE RORY’S ART
Claire it’s okay i honestly felt the same when i saw these illustrations!!
this is not related but claaaaaaaaaaaire
officially glad I live in Denver now, where we have more than one bar to correspond to this spot-on list.
The Klondyke Bar. Sketchy dive in Beaver, AL. One table with three chairs, five barstools. Has never been filled to capacity. The owner/bartender is a crusty, old butch with a voice like Tom Waits. Her name is Clare. They only have Mickey’s Fine Malt Liquor, gin and pickled pig’s feet.