Ed. Note: Julie and Brandy usually only watch movies so they can lay down some executive lesbian realness (hey), but then Julie heard that some Olympic events were sorta gay and/or involved cute uniforms, and apparently Brandy is a fan of gymnastics (who knew?), so they tossed aside their general disdain for sports and sat down to see what the big deal was. 

It was all live-chatted for posterity and of course, your enjoyment. Here’s what happened.

SYNCHRONIZED DIVING

Brandy: Let’s do the ‘lympix!

Julie: Okay. God I wanna go to the land of castles and crumpets and beer and chips and accents and tea.

Brandy: Yeah. I’m so jealous of all these betches in London. Princess Kate and Lilly Allen and Keira Knightley and Daniel Craig. And Henry Cavill. And Kate Winslet.

Julie: And Mr. Bean. And Tom Hardy.

Brandy: And black people with British accents.

Julie: And Notting Hill. And good Indian food.

Brandy: Hugh Grant. Eating pizza with a fork and knife.

Julie: Do you have an extra fag. Is just a cigarette. Not a faggot.

Brandy: Ooooh, love that.

Julie: I can’t believe the synchronized diving.

Brandy: Synchronised diving. Let’s watch the girlies.

Julie: Okay. Damn! How the feg do they do that??

Brandy: It’s a trip. I wonder if any of them are real twins. If so, they’d have a big advantage.

Julie: Yeah! I wish there were actual couples doing it. And they’d dive off and hold hands. And then kill themselves.

Brandy: Ha! Actually, there’s a few couples I’d like to volunteer for that.

Julie: The Chinese are killing it. Why do they keep showing that cigarette?… I mean faggot.

Brandy: These Chinese synchronised divers are legit. They took gold! It’s gymnastics time!

GYMNASTICS

Julie: I can’t stop sweating, god. Here comes Justin Wieber.

Brandy: They robbed Jordyn. Wow. 16.233? I don’t get it. She stuck that landing like she was in quicksand! These damn Euro douches are judging it wrong!

Julie: What’s the best you can get? They all said that was perfect. It looked perfect. Why are the judges being such assfucks? Ohhh shit. Sorry Russia.

Brandy: The good scores are 16 and over. And they need to start giving them out. They’re being bitches.

Julie: Ok. Got it. Jay-Z needed to make a Budweiser commercial? That girl from China was pretty incredible on the uneven bars.

Brandy: Yes! This is their shit for sure. Very impressive. Here is the Russian lady that they say is a big bitch and a diva. She’s my new hero <3

Julie: Oh, is this the bitch?

Brandy: Yes! This is her. What’s her name? Aliya Mustafina!

Julie: The coach says he calls her a little devil. Ton of makeup. That is so fucking cool, the flipping from one bar to the other like that. Damn this girl is flying. Ohh kiss kiss kiss… ladeez.

Brandy: She’s really good. Victoria Komova. This little girl is Romanian. Like Nadia and Teodora.

Julie: And this stripper is Romanian, too.

Brandy: Hahahahahaha

Julie: She did fucking great though. What’s her name? Destinneee Van Hooterslinkavitch. Jordyn was OHkay.

Brandy: She’s kinda not delivering. I LOVE Kyla. Yes. Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Killed it!!!!!!!

Julie: Killed it, betches. Who’s prettier her or the Jew?

Brandy: It’s between McKayla and the Jewess for prettiness to me. Kyla and Gabby are very cute, too. Kyla killed that and only got a 14.9. I guess it wasn’t difficult enough.

Julie: Yeah, the Russians were doing major more difficult stuff.

Brandy: Whoa. She got a 15.2. So, the USA is in the lead!

Julie: Yes, but they’re gonna have to keep killing it cause the Russkies are catching up. Here’s the Jewess’ story… Oh, actually that was dumb.

Brandy: The Jewess is pretty. I love how she knew everyone wanted Jordyn Bieber, and she didn’t let that bother her and just quietly rocked it and didn’t look back. No regrets.

Julie: Yeah, that was verrrryy cool. The Olympics competes with Franklin and Bash. I’m sure all of America is torn.

Brandy: I’m sure. I’d love a nighttime mimosa. Panda is getting ready for gymnastics. He’s stretching it OUT!‬ Kyla is gonna rock this beam.

Julie: Damn, she is rocking it.

Brandy: She sounded like she was dancing to Kill Bill. Very cute.

Julie: Ohh, that’s what that was. Yesyes. It did sound like that.

Brandy: And Kyla and McKayla are besties. Did you see them hug after she finished her beam?

Julie: Here’s your gerl. She’s doing great!

Brandy: Aly is doing great! I’m so nervous on beam.

Julie: She did so good.

Brandy: Veeeery gooooood. Her cupcake bootie was POPPIN!

Julie: Ha, it was it was POPPin. Her mom looks like she’s having a nervous breakdown. Omgawd haha..this poor Russian girl. She’s so upset.

Brandy: She’s the bitch and she’s showing it now. I feel for her, as I relate to bitches.

Julie: Ohh, whoa. She’s showing what a bitch she is… yeah… and she stomped off.

Brandy: She’s crying. And she’s pissed. Damn. Sorry Russia, you’re gonna have to lick our pussies.

Julie: They wish they could. They’re not doing good on the beam. These girls need to get it together. They’re giving up and it’s not a good look.

Brandy: Well, I like their depressive Russian bitchy attitudes. We have the floor left. Okay, gymnastics floor time! The bitchy Russian is the best for her attitude. She wins a gold from me for her scary ‘tude.

Julie: Major gold for ‘tude. She’s not letting any of the men touch her. Haha. She gets a gold from me for that. These gerls are all totally unfocused and they’ve given up. They’re dead inside and something is missing. That’s sad.

Brandy: It is sad. They’re all crying. Wow. Her score is so low. Lowest we’ve seen. USA has got this shit. We are about roll up on these gold medals, son!

Julie: Jesus, Gabby. God, her height is insane.

Brandy: She’s doing so good… ! Ahhahahhaha! That was amazeballs!

Julie: Ok, Jordananana… Whoa! Holy shit. She is FEELING herself, she’s saying F YOU. You shoulda had me for the all-around, you fucks.

Brandy: Here comes Jordyn Bieber. It all happens here. She’s smiling!!!!!!!

Julie: She should be smiling. That was fucking incredible. She stuck every landing. That’s a comeback baby.

Brandy: We want Jordyn to get the gold. Not Ali. Ali can get the gold in the all-around or the balance beam… They won the GOLD!!!!

Julie: Yeah – !

Brandy: Yay!!! Americans!!! USA!!!!!!

Julie: Yay!! So, Jordyn got her gold!

Brandy: Five girls came together and won the gold for USA. So good. And Julie and Brandy were just in Russia less than six weeks ago! Ha! Take that stinky Russia!

Julie: Ha! That’s right. Dos va fuck youu.

Brandy: I love that McKayla Maroney rolled in, did one giant vault, dropped the mic and was done.

Julie: And now look at us. Haha! Yes! The giant vault was increds. Yay! Awesome. Now you guys can go back to 7th grade and make good choices.

Brandy: Ahahahhahahaha! Good one.

Next: Swimming, fencing, beach volleyball, and boxed mac’n’cheese!

WOMEN’S SWIMMING (200 METER)

Brandy: This is the Women’s 200 meter, right? Yes. And Allison Schmitt just killed it. She’s about to win the gold up in this bitch.

Julie: Yeah, she killed it. I can’t even swim one length of a pool. She did it four times in under two minutes.

Brandy: Fuck yeah!

Julie: She’s lady Michael Phelps. I HATE that blonde asshole Missy Franklin. She sounds like the Family Guy “where’s the food” character.

Brandy: The other American?

Julie: Yeah. Miss Franklin if you’re nasty. Haha! YES. I don’t wanna see Ryan Seacrest anymore.

Brandy: I’m gonna tune out during men’s swimming. Between Michael Phelps and Ryan Seacrest, I’m over it.

Julie: I’m channel surfing. I’m gonna watch Mysteries at the Smithsonian.

Brandy: I’ll tell you when to turn back. Oh, this is that 16 year-old Chinese chick swimmer who beat Ryan Lochte’s time. And they accused her of juicing. No one can believe what this bitch pulled out of her ass.

Julie: Yeah, of course not. And you know why. SEXISM.

Brandy: No one can sleep at night ’cause a girl beat a boy. And that’s just too fucking bad!!! <3

Julie: They should have the genderqueer olympics.

WOMEN’S FENCING

(Bronze match American Mariel Zagunis vs Ukranian Olga Kharlan )

Brandy: Right now men’s volleyball is on, which clearly won’t cut it.

Julie: No. Yuck.

Brandy: When the fuck is this Men’s going off? What size shoe do you wear?

Julie: Not soon enough. Why can’t the women wear tank tops and shorts like the men? I hate the women’s costumes, they’re always so much more revealing, it’s bullshit.

Brandy: Is it finally on?

Julie: No, I just saw the men and got annoyed. It’s on a commersh now – Fencing! Yes. America. The bronze medal match.

Brandy: Women’s Fencing!!!!!

Julie: Are you watching?

Brandy: That’s the lady that I stood on the commercial for.

Julie: Cool!! She’s veryyy aggressive!

Brandy: Mariel Zagunis. She was the flag bearer for America during the Parade of Nations.

Julie: I know nothing of fencing. Ohh I wonder how they pick that person. En guard. Allez. Attack no. I wonder if it’s just always French shit.

Brandy: And apparently she just lost the gold medal match to a Chinese lady. So, this match is for the bronze. And that’s why she’s SO PISSED! And kicking this bitch’s ASS.

Julie: Ohhhhh. Yeah, you can tell she’s pissed.

Brandy: She’s already won 2 golds. She’s not down with bronze.

Julie: How does one get into fencing. Touche!

Brandy: Is it ‘touche’ that he’s saying?

Julie: I think so. Maybe it’s douche.

Brandy:… I have no diet food in my house. It’s disappointing.

Julie: No? No lettuce?

Brandy: Well, yeah I do have lettuce. But nothing to make it acceptable as a meal.

Julie: I had a morning snack and I won’t eat again until “dinner.”

Brandy: What was your snack?

Julie: Hardboiled egg.

Brandy: Nice! Just one?

Julie: Yeah. I think I have 2 left. Gotta make it last.

Brandy: Very anorexic. I like your style.

Julie: I also have two boxes of mac and cheese… I haven’t opened them yet… but there will come that day.

Brandy: Kraft? Or Annie’s.

Julie: No bullshit Ralph’s.

Brandy: Yes. Boxed Mac and Cheese doesn’t have that many calories. It just doesn’t have any nutrients really either. What kind of last name is Zanugis? Zagunis.

Julie: Ha yeah.. Mac and cheese has less calories than ramen. Daphen zgaunis? Daphne. Uhm…ohyeahyeah Zagunis… I’m gonna look – Greek?

Brandy: Ooooooooh. Good guess! When I met her on set she was reeeeeaaaallly nice. So there’s that. I’m sure some of these people are assholes (like maybe Lochte).

Julie: Lochte seems like he is THE WORST. Ew, that bitch screamed like that. Oh no.

Brandy: Aww. Daphne Zanugis just lost. Fuck.

Julie: Oh well, she already had two gold medals. I don’t feel that bad anymore.

Brandy: Yeah, but she wanted a third. And that was disappointing. And all Americans need ALL the golds. All the Golds, Hunty!

Julie: Hahaha! Ok, Hunty. You’re right, you’re right. Until I get my gold medal in the form of a huge salary, I don’t give a fuck.

Brandy: And fuck bronze. I’d rather she get nothing than bronze. Bronze is so bootleg.

Julie: Ha! “I’d rather she get nothing than bronze.” Put a pin in that quote. You’d be a great coach.

Brandy: You’d be a great student. I’d be a mean coach. How funz! I missed my calling.

Julie: Ha. I would. I would.

Brandy: I’ll just have to be mean to you while I coach you in cooking:-)

Julie: Yeah it’d be such torture but the pleasing you would be such a victory. Athletes love that shit. Yeah, see – you didn’t miss your calling. You have lots of students.

Brandy: I’m living the dream! Well, that was short. The one good thing about fencing is that it’s over quickly. Let’s watch Wendy Williams reruns now.

BEACH VOLLEYBALL USA

(Jennifer Kessy and April Ross) vs SPAIN

Brandy: USA Beach TittyBall !!!!!!! USA vs Spain. Their asses are OUT.

Julie: I wonder if any bottoms ever fall off.

Brandy: Why are the bathing suits so small in the back?? Is that really necessary?

Julie: That’s what I’ve been saying! I mean, Jesus, put on some fucking shorts. It pisses me off. Sexism. I don’t get it.

Brandy: Put on some shorts! Nooooooo. Fuck that. Take off your bottoms:) And your tops.

Julie: Ha. Right. God, they have flat stomachs and bubbly butts. That’s what I want.

Brandy: Their cores are very powerful. More like trunks. The score is 15 -11 USA. How much longer is this match gonna go?

Julie: Yeah!

Brandy: The one girl’s stomach sticks out. Which makes me feel better about my pot.

Julie: Pot. Ha. I’d be thrilled if my stomach looked like any of those pots. I would not, however, be thrilled with being lipless. Would I trade thin lips for a flat stomach however? Tough one.

Brandy: Sorry, but the Spain girls are waaaaaay sexier. And you know that’s how I judge.

Julie: Yes, they are way sexier. And so they win.

Brandy: Sorry, America.

Julie: Yeah, sorry. Lo siento. Ahhh thorreh. I love it when ladies wear those sunglasses as fashion. Dana Goldberg.

Brandy: Ahhahahahahahaha! So fucking dorky. Lots of lezzes do that. This game moves fast. They get a lot of points.

Julie: April Ross is one of the most feared servers in the world. When I was a waiter that’s what they said about me, too.

Brandy: Ross is the one with the pinched nose, right? No. That’s Kessey.

Julie: Why don’t they have beach soccer. Idiots play that at the beach.

Brandy: Their butts look sexy.

Julie: Yeah, nice butts.

Brandy: I can’t even pay attention to the game. I just look at their bodies and their skin quality. I guess I’m the sexist. But we knew that.

Julie: We did. It’s ok. You’re allowed. You have a special pass. It’s not really sexist though because you’re like that towards all. You’re equal opportunity… an appreciator of beauty and skin. And hotness.

Brandy: This volleyball game never ends.

Julie: God, just finish already.

Brandy: I’m jumping around looking at these girls’ butts, focusing on melting my cellulite away. Are you still watching tittyball? Or are you done?

Julie: It’s on. I guess they’re on their matchpoint. They just won. Ameriiicaaca.

Brandy: Whoa! That was kind of exciting there at the end. We won! Fuck YOU, SPAIN!!!! Poor sportsmanship with Brandy and Julie.

Julie: Ha! Yeah that’s what this “blog” should be called. Chinga tu madre Spain.

Brandy: Well, they can sleep tonight knowing they had the better bodies and therefore, the better lives.

Julie: Good point. Yeah, go get drunk and look at your hot bodies in the mirror and speak more than one language. And then. Agoooofugyrelves.

Next: Synchronized swimming and BMX!

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING

Brandy: Synchronized Swimming!!! They look like underwater aliens. It’s so scary. It’s making me feel weird inside. Like, yeah, they’re synchronized, but is it worth it??

Julie: Ha, no, it’s not. It’s useless. It’s pointless. Like the Olympics. Their makeup is scary. It’s so aggressive. It just looks like they’re drowning.

Brandy: They’re trying to be like dolls or clowns or puppets or something. And it’s CREEPY.

Julie: Ew, I hate clowns. YUK scary creepy Russian dead water puppets.

Brandy: It does kind of feel like the Olympics are pointless. Espesh now with the way politics are. The only people who’ve gotten really into it are people who are unemployed. Like us.

Julie: Yeah it does. Especially with the way my life politics are. Like, I’m glad you gerls are a thing and your bathing suits barely cover your bulging hip bones. But I don’t have a job and I’m pretty sure my eggs are dead. Sooooo…where are we going with this? And what have you done for me lately? Here comes China. Marching. Do you think anyone has ever sold a sitcom by doing synchronized swimming? I don’t. All I can think about now is Chinese food.

Brandy: When I think of synchronized swimming I never pictured it this aggressive. Their legs look murderous.

Julie: Ha, yeah their legs do look murderous! Do you think anyone has ever drowned doing this?

Brandy: I hope so.

Julie: Now all I can visualize is someone throwing like weird shit in the pool. Like a bag of chips. Or a Coke can.

Brandy: They should have people throw Doritos into the pool and they’ll catch them in their mouths in a synchronized fashion!

Julie: Hahahahahha! Yeshajajajjajaja. Thank you, oh thank you. I needed that. Like seals. They should have Olympic people seals.

Brandy: Yes! Synchronized Seal Dancing.

Julie: Yeah! Here’s USA. This is hilarious… The way they march in. I want a face in vadge under water. Right now. Or one pops out of the water and the other slowly undresses the other all while smiling with a crazy synchronized kook face. Or maybe they get in a synchronized face slap fight. You know what? Just make out. Just start making out. Show us your tits!

Brandy: Oooooh! Synchronized slap fight! Now there’s an idea. Why do they all do the Prozac smile? It’s really frightening.

Julie: It’s so gross. They’re like people who work at Disney.

Brandy: Here’s how it needs to go: Synchronised slap fight into synchronised cunnilingus into synchronised striptease ending in naked Dorito catching/eating.

Julie: Hahaha! Omg! Yes. I mean, that’s it. Hands washed. Done.

Brandy: And it’s over! Perfect timing. I’m sorry, but you were right. That’s the most useless sport ever.

Next: Track and Xanax!

TRACK AND OTHER EVENTS

(WHILE DRUNK AND ON XANAX)

Brandy: I only want to watch the lady events.

Julie: I wish they’d stick to one thing. You think the ladies are on and then two minutes later, per ushe, men take over. Sexist.

Brandy: Yeah. It bugs me how they mix it up. No guys want to watch Lady Ball Throwing. And no ladies want to watch Tyson Gay.That’s someone’s real name.

Julie: Ha. Tyson Gay Hooker.

Brandy: Let’s do a rundown of the betches that crushed it in the London Olympics 2012.

Julie: I can’t remember anyone’s name except Destinee Hooker. And Michelle Kwan. =))

Brandy: Destinee Hooker did kill it. You’re right. Although, they haven’t won totally, yet.

Julie: Oh, I didn’t realize they were still playing… ok… The gymnastics team.

Brandy: Michelle Kwan was a decade ago. And it was the Winter Olympics. But goood!!! You’re getting there.

Julie: In track one of the black ladies with good skin and one with braces.

Brandy: The track relay team – Carmelia Jeter led them. They set some kind of record.

Julie: Ok.

Brandy: Misty May and Kerri Walsh won gold for Volleyball.

Julie: Ok…

Brandy: The lady soccer team won I think. With Hope Floats and all them?

Julie: Yesyes they won.

Brandy: Lolo lost. But Americans got 2nd and 3rd. Dawn Harper and Kellie Wells were the Americans that beat Lolo and subsequently talked shit about her for being a fitness model.

Julie: Ha! Yeah – let’s call them Bjorns. There’s so many events we haven’t even seen. Ladies’ boxing.

Brandy: When is ladies’ boxing? Who’s the special lady in track? Is she American?

Julie: Yeah, she’s American… Allison something? Or last named Fox? I can’t remember, but I remember seeing the story that she lost the last two Olympics by like 100th of a second or something insane. And she finally won. They’re doing a commercial for it where Morgan Freeman narrates it and says congratulations, whatever your name is… you did it. The Olympics. Matter to some people. Etc. etc.

Brandy: Well, did you hear that the bitchy, sexy, cool, standoffish Russian won gold on bars??!!!!!

Julie: No!!

Brandy: Yes! She’s excited!

Julie: Aw, that’s good – she needed a gold. I wonder what she looks like when she’s happy.

Brandy: The women’s 4×100 won the relay race!

Julie: The lady with the ponytail is who won the individual form earlier.

Brandy: It does hurt my feelings when people I know meet Obama because they don’t care about him the way I do. And meeting him doesn’t change their lives the way it would change mine. I’m drunk.

Julie: I wish you could meet him. It’s not over yet… there’s still an opportunity. Ohhh.

Brandy: I love you.

Julie: I love you too. Are you drunk from beer or a combo?

Brandy: Just beer. Just a couple.

Julie: That’s cool. That sounds fun. Remember that menu you said – it had waffles and eggs benedict… =D

Brandy: Ha! Sometimes I like eggs benedict because it goes so fucking good with money and mimosas.

Julie: Hahahahha!!! Omg, that’s, THAT is funny. “Sometimes I like eggs benedict because it goes so fucking good with money and mimosas”. Yeah, I like it sometimes too.

Brandy: See? You have expensive taste. You want to be in the Chateau Marmont with a drunk Lindsay Lohan in the pool while we order chocolate chip pancakes and eggs benedict (to split) with two mimosas. And then we smoke cigarettes after we are done and do whatever drugs we want cuz we are celebrating Tom and Katie’s divorce.

Julie: Mmm, that sounds SO GOOD. This bitch is crying on the ground. And she really needs to pull it together and go do that in private.

Brandy: I think a rule to live by is: if you wear a necklace made of candy – don’t expect to win the Olympics.

Julie: That’s a good rule.

Brandy: Drunk Olympic Musings.

Julie: I like that we can do any drugs we want after breakfast cause were celebrating Tom and Katie’s divorce.

Brandy: I’m also not gonna have any cellulite that day for some weird reason. And your hair is gonna be perfect with curls and not too short.

Julie: Ha!! With curls! You’re NOT gonna have any cellulite – that’s reality, betch.

Brandy: And your gonna have on your sports bra and board shorts and people are gonna come up and ask us if we know where Samantha Ronson is and we are gonna say hell naw! We haven’t seen that jungle troll since San Diego Pride. That betch FELL off.

Julie: Hahahahaha go on! Go on!!

Brandy: And then they need a DJ to spin at the pool so Lindsay gets out and grabs you and you guys go up there and start spinning. But I’m jealous and annoyed cuz I want to do it, too. So I text you songs and you play them for me and they’re crowd pleasers and inside I feel happy cuz together – we made the party fun. And we like Lindsay in our dream. Even though she’s scary and unsafe. So we dip in and dip out for funz.

Julie: Yeah that’s good. We don’t use her, we just enjoy her and get out when it’s good for us. We ain’t no vultures. Linda from Bob’s Burgers has to factor in somewhere. And Roger from American Dad becomes real and comes and parties.

Brandy: And Riese and Laneia and Marni and Megan and Rachel and Sarah and Robin and Carly and Alex and Croce and Crystal and Grace and Haviland and Ashley and Emily and Jess and Taylor and Laura and Stef and Annika and Carmen and Gabby and Brittani and Hannah and all the campers are there. And everyone gets sprayed with water and jumps in the pool, but no one is mad cuz everyone is sexy and Lindsay Lohan gets blamed.

Julie: Ahahahahaha!! Amazing! Just the list of names alone deserves a medal. That’s a great one.

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