Javiera Mena is an electronic pop musician from Chile and she wants the “sword.” She wants the “sword” so bad that she made this very gay video to accompany her very gay song about said “sword.” The person whose “sword” she wants…they carry it around in a backpack. That’s right, when she first saw this person, presumably in some casual setting, they had their “sword” in their backpack. Who is this person rolling around with their “sword” in their backpack and with their backpack just hanging open because how did she know they had their “sword” in there?!
Now watching this fever dream of a 1980s closeted lesbian, I had a lot of feelings. Some very yes. Some very no. Some very gay. I’ve broken several of these moments down for you but first, go ahead and watch this video straight through.
Triangles are our chosen shape. Do they make practical sunglasses? No. I guess that means it’s VERY GAY.
A woman bouncing on a spring? Very yes. But since I’ve interpreted this spring to be a bed spring, VERY GAY.
Using a telescope to look at a woman making sexy silhouettes? Seems very gay (and creepy). But I interpreted this as a Frasier reference so going with VERY YES.
A schoolboi lesbian with lipstick lesbians around her that have ceased being humans and are now just lipstick. VERY GAY.
Staring at a woman sunbathing. Stop that. VERY NO.
Not using the door but jumping over the side of the convertible like a bad ass. VERY GAY.
A girl throwing a sword that you let through your vagina/scissor fingers. This is so gay that it’s jumped the shark of being gay. It’s jumped the gay shark. VERY NO. Protect your fingers, don’t let women throw tiny swords at you.
A girl smiles while unbuttoning her shirt. VERY NO. Hey, girl. Focus up and get that shirt off. I don’t have time for you to be coy because—
—there’s a hand emerging from under your skirt! I thought we’d have sex but no! We’re just gonna hold hands! VERY NO. You have someone living inside of your vagina who doesn’t even want to get out that bad, they just want someone to hold their hand and tell them it’s gonna be ok? No thanks.
Showing us your preferred two fingers and having them spark glitter. I mean it’s a weird way to let your wishes be known and also an unpopular preference but still VERY GAY.
Watching a girl strut across a reject Beetlejuice set. VERY NO. Are you dead, girl?
Not being afraid of body hair. VERY YES. I can’t call it gay in good faith because I’m terrified of body hair and I know that’s my own personal struggle and in general that’s a very nice trait to have so congrats on your open-mindedness.
Staring at a body mold/half-mannequin from heaven. VERY NO. If you’re gonna be a perv in the sky, at least make it worth it.
A sword coming out of your vagina. VERY NO. Wrong. This is bad. Do not put an actual sword in your vagina.
Having your head in a box. VERY YES. Recommended experience for all humans.
Knowing where the button is. VERY GAY. Is this a low blow at straight men? YES IT IS SUE ME.
Talking intensely real close to someone’s face. VERY NO. Separately? Fine. Together? Nah, bruh.
Telling a tiny woman, “no.” Don’t be afraid to exercise your right to say no even if they managed to coordinate their dress with a clock.
Having a cherry on your rearview mirror. VERY NO. She’s using the rearview mirror to look behind her because she wishes she could go back and get her own “cherry.” AM I REACHING?!
Okay! A sword is phallic. VERY WE GET IT.
The urge to merge. VERY NO. I think most lesbian relationship stereotypes can be applied to most relationships if you’re wondering why this isn’t very gay.
Vagina road. Is this a secret course in Mario Kart? VERY YES.
Staying at home at night to hang with your cat. VERY GAY.
Stroking your cat as you think about pussy. VERY NO. The cat can feel that energy.
Thanks for the tip, Andrea!
