It’s Autostraddle’s 9th Birthday: Ask Us Anything!

Happy Birthday, Autostraddle!

Thank you, readers and friends, for supporting independent queer media! Your subscription fees help fund important work and we’re so grateful for every single dollar and Facebook share and retweet and like. This is an Ask-Us-Anything/Advice-a-thon, where 20+ members of our staff will be on hand for eight hours to answer all of your questions. All of your questions?? Yes, all of them! Even the weird ones. (Especially the weird ones.)

Here’s how it works:

You comment with your questions, your advice needs, your stuff and things.

We, the editors writers and illustrators of Autostraddle, reply to your comment with our answers, our advice, our responses.

Personal questions about us, professional questions about this work, life advice for yourself or a friend, pop quizzes, settling a bet, etc. It’s a flawless plan NOTHING CAN GO WRONG HERE. If you want a particular person to answer your particular Q, simply type their names at the beginning of your comment. We’ll be command + f-ing our own names so we don’t miss any of these direct questions, so please make sure you’re spelling it correctly! I find using the @[screen name] approach to be useless, as most of us have strange screen names that don’t match our actual names, and probably you don’t know them.

Ok so that’s that! Let’s get going! Who’s asking the first question?? What about the third one? Who’ll ask the seventeenth? Who will be brave and bold enough to ask question number 52?!

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Laneia

Laneia has written 311 articles for us.

758 Comments

      • Sadly I did not take the day off, but being in work has bagged me a chocolate éclair, a miniature donut and the last chocolate digestive in the packet so I have won on the snacks front. Plus, because of timezone magic, I will finish soon and then you all better be very prepared!!

    • SALLY I JUST GOT OFF WORK AND AM ABOUT TO DIVE IN TO ALL 669 COMMENTS AND OHHHHHHHH BOY I AM READY AND ~EXCITED~ !!!!!

  2. Laneia, who’s on your list of five famous people you’re allowed to sleep with? Or if you don’t have a list, who would be on it?

    • hello charlotte i’m glad you asked. i have one person on my list: maggie gyllenhaal.

      WHO IS ON YOURS.

      • Wow, love your single-minded devotion! My list:

        1. Lena Headey
        2. Evelyne Brochu
        3. Kate McKinnon
        4. Natalie Dormer
        5. Rachel Weisz

        Honourable mentions: Cate Blanchett, Janelle Monae, Aubrey Plaza, Zoe Kravitz, Dianna Agron, Keeley Hawes

        ….clearly I need a top ten.

      • I’ve never heard of anyone else having as big of a crush on Maggie Gyllenhaal as I do this is such exciting news!!

        • one time i was at a restaurant where maggie gyllenhaal and peter sarsgaard were also waiting for a table, and maggie was pregnant af and i offered her my seat and she looked at me like i had three heads

          and i love her

          that is all

  3. Who would you most like to have write for AS, if anyone were possible?

    Feel free to stretch possibility across time and space here.

    • Related Answer: I’ve never said this out loud before THIS VERY MOMENT but I have dreams of interviewing Sara Ramirez and/or Lena Waithe for Autostraddle.

      One day!!! Fingers and toes crossed!!!

      • I am rounding up all the centipedes and millipedes I can find to maximise the finger/toe crossing potential. I figure since their limbs are both arms and legs at once, it should also count double.

    • ah opening up time and space makes this a very overwhelming question to answer! i would love for one of the early lesbian diarists, like Anne Lister or someone, to have a salacious Carrie Bradshaw style sex and dating column on the site. i’ve always been really interested in erika mann, thomas mann’s gay daughter who had a lavender marriage with wh auden, i’d love to edit personal essays from her. remember lorraine hansberry’s lists? what if she wrote more of them for our site? WHAT THEN

    • @snaelle, so this is oddly specific but since I read Vanessa’s piece on her hiking experience, I’ve really wanted to have an online conversation between her and Rahawa Haile, who wrote a piece about her Appalachian trail experience back in 2017. I’d love to see how their experiences were similar and how they differed and…well, so many other things…

      • natalie just for the record, i adore rahawa and am very hopeful that she will maybe write something for us in the future! she and i have talked in person about our respective hikes…she’ll be writing a lot more about her experiences in her forthcoming memoir, which i am SO EXCITED ABOUT!!!!

    • I want an interview between Carmen and Janelle Monae and honestly I just want to be able to sit in the room and like hand out cookies (I’m also saying here I’d faint if Janelle smiles once in my direction) and also intermittently yell how much I love them both.

      Jacqueline Woodson!! t.c. anderson!! stephanie beatriz!

      Stretching time and space, Ruth Ellis!! Pat Parker!! Audre Lorde!! Frida Kahlo!! Edie Winsor!! (just about everyone from —> https://365daysoflesbians.tumblr.com)

      also also tbh, i’d do an a+ interview with my grandma cause as i look back on our time together, she was trying to let me know she knew a lot more than she let on and that she loved me v much for it, i’d like to have that here, somewhere i can see it and hold it, you know?

      if we can stretch realities I would also like to interview Yorkie and Kelly about San Junipero and also be a bridesmaid at their renewal of vows if we’re getting really out there.

  4. So, today is also my father’s birthday. (I have a very strained relationship with my parents and I don’t speak to them much.) My mother just texted to say “hey it’s your Dad’s birthday and he’s had a really rough week. It would be really nice for him to hear from you” But like… my Dad has never once called me on my birthday because… I don’t know, if my mom calls me that’s supposed to count for both of them or something? I just have a lot of feelings about it, but also not calling him now seems like this BIG BITCHY THING. Thoughts?

    • this is hard because i think you’re right, since your mom specifically texted it would be a whole thing if you didn’t do something. could you text him instead of call? something short and right to the point, like “happy birthday! hope it’s a great one ?”

    • Alex, you don’t have to call your dad! You really, really don’t. Not today, and not ever. I’m sure it would be nice for him, but that isn’t your problem! He’s the parent and you’re the child; his emotional wellbeing isn’t your responsibility, and your wellbeing IS his responsibility, so the premise of what your mom is implying here is already fucked. I can’t promise that he or your mom won’t guilt you about it, but I think this could be a good experience for you in being willing to let him be uncomfortable, or let yourself feel uncomfortable knowing you aren’t giving them what they want, in service of your overall longterm wellbeing. (If you decide to call him anyway that’s okay too, I know it’s complicated, I won’t be mad!)

      • Rachel, that is basically exactly what my therapist said when I finally just broke down and called him. He also agreed with Laneia that my mother would, in fact, make it a whole thing if I didn’t at least text my dad.
        So then the question becomes which option will use less of my emotional energy? Feeling bad about myself for compromising on my boundaries in order to avoid a guilt trip?? Or standing my ground, and dealing with the guilt and numerous other feelings that will follow?
        It’s a bit of a toss up.
        So I might end up sending him a very short text. I’m still deciding. There will probably be a pro/con list involved because that’s how I interact with the world.
        Either way I feel super validated so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

        • Alex honestly giving other people permission to do what they need to do to wrt their shitty, shitty dads is one of my favorite and most affirming things, thank YOU for asking this question, i know how hard these constant tradeoffs are to make and i’m proud of you

  6. I can’t think of any specific questions! (I probably will later, we can ask multiple right?) But for now, Iwanted to just give a special thank you for this site and all of the awesome inclusive stuff you do for us!

  7. As a small business owner, I want to throw in the towel a lot – way more than I publicly let on. And I’ve come seriously close to closing my business several times.

    So, Riese (and Laneia, and other folks who have been around for a while), my question for you, if you’re comfortable answering is: what keeps you going? When was a time you’ve seriously considered throwing in the towel, and what (or who) brought you back from the brink? And what self-care keeps your emotional tank full during those rough days/weeks/months when you’re just gritting your teeth and getting through it?

    Thanks for the work you do. <3

    • Y E S.

      the things that keep me going are #1 the community — y’all and the readers who’ll never subscribe to a+ or comment, every a-camper and every person who wishes they could come to camp but haven’t, and people who don’t read us yet but could someday. that sounds cheesy but i really do believe in the work we do and what we can achieve when we’re together (‘we’ meaning AS staff and the readers, in the world). i think we’re part of something bigger than any one of us.

      #2 is reminding myself how lucky i am to have this opportunity! i get to interact with some AMAZING people here, and i’m usually doing it in my softest pants with no makeup on and a bowl of pasta in one hand.

      there have been so many times when we’ve entertained the idea of calling it quits, i can’t even remember them all. usually it has to do with bad faith attacks on our work and our character, when it feels like people have forgotten that we’re people, too. a lot of times it’s about money, in that we very really truly don’t have enough of it and how will we pay these bills and these writers aaaaaah! i think what brings us back is really believing that we know what we’re doing, we’re necessary, and we’re good people. i also keep a folder of every email/DM i’ve received thanking me for writing something. like, those people probably would’ve figured out some way through the muck of their hetero marriage and the confusion of their queer feelings and the isolation and self-doubt, but because i wrote something a few years ago, they had at least a little bit of help. i cry every time i think about it! jeanna you’re one of those people! i genuinely love everyone who’s ever told me that my writing was important to them for even a minute, and i want to make sure more people have a chance to tell their very specific story, because other people will need it.

      my self-care is setting aside blocks of time when i force myself not to work, which means making sure i do as much work as possible during the actual working hours, instead of letting myself procrastinate or whatever. and talking to the beautiful weirdos i work with because they understand and they’re brilliant and they keep me.

      thank you this was fun to talk about!

      • Thank YOU for sharing your heart! You’re a goddamn gem of a human being and I can’t wait to hug you in person.

        (Also I’m having lots of feelings about business and money right now and this is a good reminder that this happens a lot and probably will never stop happening but it usually sorts itself out.)

        <3

        • I love this question! I’m reading Grit, about passion and perseverance. I had more, but now I don’t.

    • what keeps you going?
      when we first launched i was still working other jobs and you know that first moment right after you wake up when you come to grips with who you are and what’s on your plate for the day? on the days when autostraddle was my plate i felt such incredible purpose and excitement for the day, and the days i couldn’t do autostraddle all day i felt stuck and sad. i promised myself that first month to never forget that sense of possibility, no matter what happened next. it was a brand-new feeling — i’d wanted for so long to have a chance to build this thing i felt was missing from the world, and now i was really doing it! — and it was the best work-related feeling i’d ever had.

      the other thing is, of course, the community. is you guys! is people saying nice things about my writing or its impact on their lives. i keep some of my favorite comments in a post-it on my desktop. when i hear people saying unfair things about camp, i re-read the essays from our campership call posts. also, every month, those messages that people shoot into the A+ box just to thank us for existing are a real heartswell. how supportive readers are not only of us but of each other, of people who share their stories here.

      i also love connecting people to each other — seeing people make friends, meet partners, and find community through autostraddle. not just readers but our staff too. and yes; our staff. our team.

      When was a time you’ve seriously considered throwing in the towel, and what (or who) brought you back from the brink?
      oof. so many times, jeanna! so many times! like laneia i don’t even know where to begin with specifics, although we do both love to tell the story about when laneia was staying with me in new york and had to talk me off the ledge and out to dinner when the website crashed. so that time it was laneia.

      it happened a lot over the first two years, then stopped happening for a long while, but has sprung back up over the past two years as public perception of our success and other shifts in the social justice / queer / feminist / internet landscape has led to an explosion in people being genuinely mean to us online and also spreading lies about us. sometimes, it happens when i feel like my views aren’t really in step with everybody else’s, but i was really encouraged by the response to the “excommunicate me from the church of social justice” piece. i think the most frustrating thing is when we’re taken to task for things we are well aware we need to do better on — but just simply cannot afford to, financially, right now, or maybe ever.

      but my team brings me back in. they’re very cool.

      and what self-care keeps your emotional tank full during those rough days/weeks/months when you’re just gritting your teeth and getting through it?
      … my answer to this is probably indicative of a deep inner flaw, but it’s hard for me to step away from work when it gets hard, so it’s more like i read things for TIRTL while getting a manicure, or i order dinner delivery from a restaurant instead of making dinner so that i have one less thing on my to-do list and can work more! i think my self-care is probably reading or setting up camp on the couch with some take-out and catching up on my tv shows. or when i can just unplug and be with friends or my girlfriend.

    • This year I have started working at a place where we co-run the business and WOW I already knew but now I extra know yall are superheroes. Superheroes with comfier costumes!

  8. @carolyn are you finding your own way forward and are you experiencing love to support you – from yourself and from friends?
    <3

    • I AM TRYING. I have loving friends and family and supportive coworkers and they are all helping so much. (So is my therapist.) But even though in some ways it’s been months, in other ways every three days something legal or financial or emotional explodes and it’s exhausting. I know that expecting things to feel steady or calm is not realistic right now, and that everything that’s happening is intensely “character building” and/or will make a great series of personal essays in a few years or whatever, but I’m also so tired and kinda scared all the time and I don’t really know what to do about that.

      • Oh Carolyn <3 what a hard hard time.

        I'm glad to hear you do have support, even though it may feel like how do you even make it through the next hour.

        For myself, the things that have helped me most through some tough times have been having a visualization of a person (who I know is an aspect of myself) being there for me. She's been there by my side through nights when I didn't know how to make it through, just holding out her hands and saying "I'm here, you can make it, you can make it". And if I'm crying, she will be there saying "I told you I would be here. See I'm still here, whatever happens I will still be here."

        The other thing that's helped is times with friends that aren't about me, but about a movie, or their pets, or anything that has gotten me out of my head for a while.

        And of course conversely, really deep conversations with friends.

        I wish you the very very best, and that every day becomes easier for you. Love to you <3.

  9. Advice question: how do you deal w being unhappy with your job but having to pretend to be happy while you look for other jobs without being completely drained of energy?

    • Find the things you DO like about your job and CLING TO IT WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT. For example, right now, I am kind of ~over my day job. (I wish I could write about TV full time but I have yet to figure out how to do that.) But I DO love some of the people I work with. So every morning when I wake up with that UGH AGAIN WITH THIS? feeling, I focus on the people I’ll see and what fun things I can talk to them about. A kernel of joy to hold onto while I figure out what’s next.

    • this is petty but when i was in this position once i took a lot of pleasure in lightly stealing office supplies, and ideally using office supplies from the job i hated to apply to new things, like using their printers to print out applications. this possibly doesn’t apply in a literal sense, maybe it’s not an office job, but maybe you can find something to claim as your own or subvert a little?

    • I definitely agree with Valerie…find one thing that you love about your current job and throw yourself completely into it. Carve out a space within that work that only you can fill and just revel in that.

      Also, music really helps me. Create that perfect “these-songs-always-make-me-smile” playlist and press play during those stressful moments.

    • i’m not sure what kind of job you’re in the moment, but mine’s specifically in food proudction, so i can’t listen to music and stuff, but i come up with really elaborate stories about the customers that come through so it taps into empathy that i try to shut away during the job. my biggest thing is turning that pretending to be happy into actual bits of happy that i carry around because it propels me into thinking/believing/working towards getting out of this not good place! so i guess, carving out little places where you can keep hope alive and also i agree with valerie (this may have actually been a roundabout way of saying that, sorry!) and clinging to the good with all your might is good! but in case you can’t find any good in your job, making a game of it really can help. like i pretend im in a video game where ive got to keep leveling up by being nice to customers who aren’t nice to me, evading sketchy co-workers/bosses, and not blowing up at people and like the little kindness bits power up my–what is that life beam thingy at the top of the game?–the health bar? that thing, are customers who say really nice things to me out of nowhere, anytime a friendly coworker can make me laugh, getting successfully to the end of the work day–i think of that as levelling up and getting closer to finishing the game when i get to a new (more stable, less ouchie) job! idk that could help but mostly i’d listen to valerie

    • Thank you all for the advice, it has all very helpful! I’m totally here for being petty! I do have an office job, but Alexis I really liked what you said about making it a game!

  10. My first question was kind of heavy, so here’s a fun one: how do you take your coffee/tea/energy beverage of your choice?

    • Hot coffee: black
      Iced coffee: milk + vanilla flavored and preferably a latte tbh OR A DRAFT LATTE FROM LA COLOMBE
      Tea: black tea, black
      Energy drinks (in case of emergency): Monster raspberry iced tea

      i’m very passionate about caffeine, thank you for asking

    • i’m going to be really extra here. thank you for the opportunity.

      espresso: 1 shot, 1 pack of raw sugar
      iced coffee: +1 shot, 2″ of soy milk
      hot coffee: warmed soy milk
      iced tea (black or green): lemon/orange + mint, no sugar
      hot tea (herbal): plain

    • coffee: black
      espresso: black
      tea: the more ridiculous the almond milk latte the tea comes in, the better

    • coffee: a shit ton of cream, but it depends! like i learned to love black coffee when i need to be awake super fast so and i love caramel/vanila/cinammon so any of those

      tea: i used to take it w a lot of milk, but now a lot of sugar, in a few months? who knows! im exciting like that

      energy drink: i just drink mountain dew even though i know its gonna like turn my insides into putty cause its the only super caffeinated thing we got at work

    • I have a DIY mocha every morning, which is usually coffee + milk + cocoa powder or Milo. Sometimes I get fancy with it and add marshmallows or cinnamon.

      I like my black tea strong enough to kill a moose, which is the sort of strength you want for delicious Malaysian milky teas like teh tarik (pulled tea – you foam it by pulling/pouring the tea between two mugs repeatedly). Oh and it has to be condensed milk.

      With other teas I like to experiment! When I go visit friends I usually tell them to pick something at random. My ex best friend had butterfly pea tea that turned blue when you pour it so I’d always ask for that.

    • espresso: i’ll get a nonfat latte or whatever if i’m at a coffee shop, but if i’m at home making nespresso with my nespresso machine, i’ll just put whatever i have into a shot of nespresso, which is often cream, but lately has been almond milk
      hot coffee: cream
      iced coffee: 2% milk
      hot tea, herbal or green: as is
      hot tea, black: maybe some milk and sugar
      iced tea: at restaurants, i always order unsweetened ice tea and then sugar it myself. if i’m buying bottled iced tea, i get unsweetened and drink it as is.

    • every single morning i have a cup of english breakfast tea with some kind of milk in it. i used to do 1% milk but then my stomach rebelled against dairy so now i do almond milk. i’ve gotten used to it but when i have a cup of tea with REAL MILK i remember how sublime that truly is.

  11. I just wanted to pop in and tell all of you that you are awesome and thank you so much for keeping this site going!!!!!!

  12. Alaina, how are you handling grad school, living by yourself, taking care of cats, and taking care of yourself? I’m also in a PhD program and struggling so much. How do you keep yourself going and live a semi-normal life?

    Also Erin, if you could find and interview the originator of the iconic “Harold, they’re lesbians” meme for 30 days of Carol that would be amazing but I understand if it’s too much to ask!

    • Hey Mimi, I am also doing a PhD and had a tough time for a good year of it, but am now doing better and if you want to chat you should totally message me.

    • Not yet, but soon! Stacy and I have always been determined to have a wedding that’s a celebration and not a source of stress, so we’ve been waiting for my health to be in a better place and some family situations to diffuse before we go ahead. We’ve been married to each other in our hearts for many years now, though, and I am very excited to be legal wives.

      • Yay to celebration and NO to stress!!!
        Please pretty please will you think about letting me do the wedding bands (in case Stacy and you would like them) for you!! We talked a second about it last A-camp and I wrote to you about it but it was during post camp-plague.

      • Before I saw your clarification below, I was really into this as a random-context-less comment. I literally thought to myself, “woah, deep.”

    • Kara Danvers and Waverly Earp. They are like…the ideal version of me though. All three of us are smart and hopeful and sweet but with a darkness inside that sometimes gets through if we’re not careful. They’re both braver and stronger than me, but we have enough else in common that it makes me feel like maybe I COULD be brave. Just maybe.

      You?

      • Orlando, for their mutability, searching and passion.

        And I was surprised how much I identified with the fictional version of Olive in Professor Marston and the Wonder Women. Because even though she is uncertain, she is determined. Her desire to reach out, to herself and others, and her open softness come from strength, not weakness.

        • i love chidi with all my heart but i do also wish it was possible for me to ever make a decision in this life (or the afterlife, i guess??)

    • a mix of Dom from Fast and Furious, Eleanor from the Good Place and a bit of veronica lodge

    • its mixin time:

      alike from pariah
      helena from orphan black (but learning more into like fanon (which the way she writes im just like……canon) helena from piggy09’s fics if that makes sense)
      elena alvarez from one day at a time
      will byers from stranger things
      and a tad bit of billy cranston from power rangers (2017)
      and honestly amy santiago from b99

      so you know, a fun time all around

  15. i work all the time, i can’t stop. i have a full-time job in tech and a 10 hour/week freelance gig and i’m writing two different educational courses in my field, all simultaneously. i work mostly remote, at home, where i honestly get a lot done, but i find it means i work 24/7. this question is open to anyone: how do y’all unplug and stop working? what boundaries do you set for yourselves? i think outside perspectives will help me as i try and be a more reasonable version of myself.

    • I feel like I’m always working, as a writer and a reporter and a freelancer etc. When I get home — or for you, when you end your day — put your phone in a different room for at least two hours. Give yourself two hours — 120 measly minutes! — to unplug and focus on what’s happening around you in that moment. Let your five senses have free range.

      But really, what we all need is someone giving us permission to relax. So you have my permission. Also, in a practical sense, you’ll find you’re better at your various jobs when your brain has time to roam.

    • @graydjames I’ve been working from home a lot more recently so I’m dealing with this issue a lot more. The best advice I’ve been given–by someone on a Friday Open Thread, actually–is to keep your spaces defined and separate. You need to be able to leave your work “at work” and not have it infringe upon your lounging space and/or sleeping space.

      And because I’ve developed an addiction to working via smartphone when my computer’s not handy, I’ve started using apps like Clearlock and Offtime to force me to stop checking my phone incessantly.

    • i put downtime into my planner and — this is the important part — i plan the activities of the downtime, otherwise i’ll just sit there wishing i was finishing X project or replying to that email i saw before i shut my computer. so like at 4:30pm every day, i close the computer and start cooking dinner. it’s an elaborate situation and it’s been planned a month in advance and it’s just me + a podcast/audiobook in my kitchen for a couple of hours. i’m not allowed to open the computer again, so everything i’m looking up or listening to is happening on my phone/bluetooth speaker.

      the other REALLY important thing is i removed all of the work-related/time-suck apps from my phone! so no twitter, no slack (confession i did just add slack back on my phone but it’s on the LAST screen and only for emergencies), no gmail, no gdocs, nothing!

      GOOD LUCK GET SOME SLEEP

    • I feel this! It can be difficult to put the breaks on projects you’re excited about and overwork yourself. I would suggest getting a dog. JK! Don’t get a dog if you can’t take care of one right now but I just wanted to say my dog has snapped me way back into reality so many times. He’s like “TAKE ME OUT FOR A WALK NOW!” and i’m like oh yes, the outside world exists, I have to go outside for the sake of my dog and spend time with him.

      I make sure I make time for my partner even if it’s just for a little while and am working with a lot of deadlines. I close my computer and have dinner with her and catch up. Even if I have to work after dinner because I have shit to do, it’s nice to have a moment to be grounded and reminded of what actually matters the most to me.

      I constantly remind myself that sometimes you just have to call quits on the day and that’s fucking fine! Because most of the time I accomplished a lot and just didn’t have time to do what I wanted to finish up. It’s ok to stop because it’s equally important to take care of myself and my family and have time for the things that I enjoy in life!

    • We are living parallel lives, friend! I also have a full time job and some combination of 3 other gigs (teaching a class, writing a book, freelancing for AS). It’s probably too much. I find myself stressed out a LOT.

      Honestly, I don’t have a perfect answer, but there is absolutely nothing more important than your self-care. You can’t do all this shit and do it well if you’re not taking care of yourself. Sometimes there will be a really important deadline and you have to meet it and you have to work 24/7. Other times, there will be very real pressure to work 24/7, but the reality is that…some things aren’t actually urgent. Or, like, missing an unreasonable deadline is OK as long as you communicate about it.

      Sometimes I need someone else to look me in the eye and tell me, “No. You don’t need to bend over backward to make that happen. People will understand.” I think becoming a less busy and/or more balanced person is really about telling ourselves that we matter and our time matters. I’m not perfect at it, but some strategies include scheduling a day off from my full-time job to catch up on freelance work, taking a day off from doing any work at all, forcing myself to plan a vacation and then take that vacation as both a motivator to push through and a rejuvenating self-care award. Oh, and as someone who also works from home or remotely a lot, LEAVING THE HOUSE when I’m feeling really frantic. And then doing my work and coming back to my house, where I will not continue doing the work for the rest of the evening.

      I’d love to hear what stuff you already do! We’re in it together!

      • I’m not doing enough, I’ll tell you that. I do schedule in my passion planner + google calendar, and I make time to do that, including blocking out when I’ll work. I definitely need to block out downtime, and think I’ll try planning that time, as Laneia suggests.

        Lately I’ve been asking my jobs for deadlines, even if they’re arbitrary. The writing gigs are temporary until the work is finished, so being able to clearly see an ending has been working well for my motivation.

        I’m also trying to talk to myself kindly about downtime the way I do work. I get so proud of myself when I master a new coding technique or R package, so I need to work on being more proud of and kind to myself when I run for an extra minute or watch another episode of TV just because I can. These are good things too, and I will definitely keep working on my positive self-talk.

        Thanks for weighing in, y’all. Gonna go out and use these tips ASAP. xo

    • hi! I’m in grad school right now and in a similar situation! I have tons of big projects and very little structure in my schedule. Some great advice I got recently was to sit down at the beginning of each week and estimate how many hours you’ll need to spend on each task/project, and then plug those hours into your weekly schedule. Once you’ve planned out your work hours, the rest of your hours can be planned free time/down time/whatever time. Obviously it’s okay to deviate from your planned schedule some/that will happen but it’s been really helping me add some structure and set boundaries! Good luck!

  16. Erin: I strongly related to your Carol post regarding your guitar-playing neighbour. I currently live with a guitar player who fancies himself a “musician”. He’s 100% that guy at the party who has a few drinks then suggests a jam circle, except he is in my house and all the time. He plays the same song over and over (sometimes he also sings) and I hate it, I hate it so much. HE EVEN HAD THE AUDACITY TO START PLAYING WHEN I WAS NEAR THE END OF CAROL AND I COULD BARELY HEAR THE STIRRING SCORE AS THERESE SEARCHES FOR CAROL IN THE OAK ROOM.

    I suppose my ‘question’ here is what do I do about it, but the most logical answer is clearly ‘move out’. How are you currently dealing with your neighbour? Any coping mechanisms would be heaven.

    • I know this is dumb advice sort of but have you talked to him about it yet?

      Is your house the type where you can have a house meeting? Like, establishing quiet hours?

      Can you ask him to just play in his room? With the door closed?

      Is he a dick? Cuz MAYBE he’ll be down to be accommodating but doesn’t know he’s bothering you because he’s oblivious?

      • Not dumb advice at all! Unfortunately though I have tried that, and he is indeed a dick.

    • “jam circle but in my house” is a special layer of hell we don’t know about. honestly, i do not have good advice. ear plugs (for me at least) do this thing where they pick up the slightest vibration and amplify it inside my head, so those aren’t helpful, and turning up my own music feels like continuing this terrible cycle where everyone is trying to drown each other out.

  17. Question for Everyone: How many marriage proposals do you expect to get from this today?

    • In high school I used to obsessively fantasize about random ways I would be “forced” to kiss a girl – spin the bottle, being cast in a movie, being on some kind of heist where we had to pretend we were a couple TO SURVIVE. I was so closeted I didn’t even allow myself to THINK about being queer even though all I could think about was being queer.

      Now I mostly fantasize about running into famous people on the streets of New York and casually/accidentally becoming their best friend.

    • i fantasize about standing outside, dressed in expensive, well-fitting jeans telling someone that my daily routine includes going to the gym and doing yoga first thing in the morning.

  19. I think I remember you saying a while back that there would be a round 2 of the Dead Lesbian Society pin pack featuring Jenny, Dana, and Mr. Piddles – is that still in the works?

    Love you all and everything you do! Happy birthday!!!

    • hi! we were so excited to make an entire series of these, but the first one didn’t sell so well… that being said… I think I’ve convinced Riese to do this. stay tuned!

  20. Does anyone have any experience strapping on with a MoC person? I’m usually the femme one and it’s kinda thrown me for a loop. I’ve played around with penetrating FoC people before but this feels different and I’m not sure if it’s them or me or the whole thing.

    • Honestly, you should talk to your person! Communication is always always always key. Topping//bottoming roles aren’t determined by gender or gender presentation. It’s about listening to your partner, finding out how they like to be touched and treated in bed (or wherever!) and going from there. Maybe this is a time to think about what femininity and masculinity mean to you and to the people you’re with, and what partnerships should look like or how roles should play out. Your identity is yours and it’s important, but so is theirs! And neither party’s identity is dependent on what the others is! Loosen up and have the talk. It’s important to consider that your discomfort around all of it could make your partner feel unsafe, or unseen. It’s important to talk about what your feelings are, it resolves a ton of tension, and paves way for understanding and more connected experiences.

      • Thanks Alyssa! I’m super keen to make my partner feel seen, partly why I wanted to vent externally (they don’t read autostraddle (what?! (I know))). I’m going to particularly mull over this sentence: “And neither party’s identity is dependent on what the others is!” I think too often I’m reliant on having someone bigger/stronger than me to make me feel little and pretty, so I’m going to have a think about that.

        • We are forever unpacking, my friend. It’s totally great to reach out and look for support and advice especially when one is actually open to hearing it! Hopefully it’ll give you the confidence boost that leads you to you feeling more comfortable initiating that conversation with your partner. Conversations can be hard, especially when we’re talking about our bodies and our insecurities, and desires. Coping with life inside our bodies is tough no matter who we are or how we present! As soon as we are more of one thing, society tells us to be less of another. I say fuck that. Your partner’s bod will never make your bod any more or less than it is! Strapping up for a larger or more masculine partner doesn’t take away your femininity (but it’s okay that that’s how it feels, right now — internalized stuff is real and our feelings aren’t always up to us).

          All of this said, you are in this too. If something is wrong for you that is okay, you should never do something that doesn’t feel okay for you! But it’s important to explore what about* it is wrong for you, and building up the communication chops it takes to meet your partner halfway. You’ve got this. Seems like you’re already unpacking and committed to doing the work. That’s half the battle.

    • So it actually sounds more like you have feels around playing a stereotypically masculine role as someone who feels femme in your whole heart. One thing that really changed femme for me and, actually brought me back home to femme identity, was the obvious-but-also-hard-to-grasp realization that femme identity has zero to do with butch or masculine identity. You can be femme all by yourself and, in so many ways, it’s more powerful without any kind of male/masculine gaze because your identity is valid and true and lovely all by itself. Own it!

      In the bedroom, there’s additional levels of stuff that can make femme strapping feel more…girly…for lack of a better word. Have you looked into getting your own super femme harness and/or a femme dildo (whatever that means to you)? There’s a whole world out there!

      I’d super suggest reading A Femme Cock’s blog to give you another femme’s perspective on femme strap on stuff and femme packing etc etc etc. I love her blog and she reviews lots of products, too!

      • Thank you KaeLyn, I will do some reading. I think that’s actually really important to me, like the aesthetics of it all. I love the idea of being confident enough in my femme-ininity to not be so affected by stereotypes and internalized stuff, as Alyssa said. I guess I’ve (at last) become pretty comfortable with all my identities, but I still clung onto this idea that being queer was kinda about appreciating how beautiful women are, or being appreciated myself, and this way feels like more masculinity in one place than maybe I’d pictured or ideally like. But I think I can work through it and figure out how to be femme with a cock. Lots of food for thought, I really appreciate you both taking the time out to answer this question, big fan of both your work <3

        • Rodeoh has a panty harness collection that’s pretty cute and functional.

          There are also some feminine harnesses out there of the cheaper variety that look like lace-up corset undies and stuff. I feel like quality is sometimes an issue with those, but maybe finding something that feels like it fits who you are will help you feel more “you” when strapping on.

  21. I have a question relevant to today! Was anyone else obsessed with the book A Wrinkle In Time as a kid, and who’s excited to go see the movie?? I CANNOT WAIT

    • me!!!! i was!!! i actually just reread it for the occasion, i finished it last night in bed and cried!! madeleine l’engle was such a huge part of my childhood, i can’t WAIT to see the movie, i’m so excited

    • @marfy I’m so excited about seeing A Wrinkle in Time tonight.

      I cannot wait to see this world that Ava DuVearney has crafted for us.

    • The only answer to this question is Me as Idgie and bring back Mary-Louise Parker for Ruth and this time we’re gonna kiss

    • Yay I am so excited to share my excitement with all of you!! Madeleine L’Engle was a big part of my childhood too, all of her books mean so much to me so I’m happy to see this one getting so much attention now that the movie is coming out. And from the previews I’ve seen, the movie looks like it’s going to be absolutely beautiful.

    • I can’t wait! I re-read the book last week and am hoping to see it on Tuesday when ticket prices are a little cheaper.

    • My wife and I went last night. My twitter sized review: Absolutely stunning. Full of unbridled joy, affirmation of self, painful truths, and a warning against the darkest parts of humanity. In the end love and #BlackGirlMagic wins.

    • I was obsessed with that whole series! Also as a biracial daughter of a physicist, I had a lot of feelings about the movie! I was not expecting to tear up at the first scene, but that was definitely a thing that happened.

  22. Ahh! So excited to have an open forum to ask this important question…. In this age of reboots and remakes, would you be in your ideal cast for a (REALLY MUCH HAPPEN ASAP) remake of “Fried Green Tomatoes”???????????

    • This sounds like a job for Sarah Paulson….

      (I’d also be very interested to see Kate McKinnon grow/ stretch as an actress with a project like this)

    • go back in time and reshoot the original with all the queer shit still in it.

    • The only answer to this question is Me as Idgie and bring back Mary-Louise Parker for Ruth and this time we’re gonna kiss

      • Molly! I am so voting for that production! Let me build a time machine and fundraiser millions of Hollywood dollars RIGHT NOW!

    • A couple of years ago I would vote Jennifer Lawrence as Idgie but nowadays I don’t know…

    • Okay, so:
      Amy Adams or Natalie Portman as Ruth
      Jennifer Lawrence as Idgie
      Melissa McCarthy as Evelyn
      Kathy Bates as Ninny, callback to the original movie

  23. I’m the only openly gay person at my church right now. How can I use my gay powers to build a more inclusive religious community?

  24. What are your favorite “palate cleanser” shows?

    I feel like sometimes I need a show to watch in between longer/more intense episodes of other shows. For example, I am currently using The Mick as a palate cleanser between episodes of Jessica Jones.

    • Happy Endings is definitely one of mine. I like having them be shows that I’ve already seen, preferably multiple times, so that I don’t even have the mild anxiety of not knowing what’s going to happen.

    • THE MICK IS A GREAT ONE. I also enjoy Speechless, Fresh Off the Boat, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and Life in Pieces.

    • I second Brooklyn 99. Also, The Good Place & rewatching Parks & Recreation & if you can find it, Pushing Daisies.

      • Even just reading “Pushing Daisies” made my heart do a backflip so I second that. And Parks & Rec is a classic. I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT THE GOOD PLACE I think because I file that under ‘real show’ haha

    • I watch ’80s cartoons on Netflix: She-Ra, He-Man, Voltron, Danger Mouse, and Jem and the Holograms!

    • My go to has been Bob’s Burgers and as I’ve gotten Hulu, for some reason, The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron and Danny Phantom! When I had Netflix, I couldn’t really do episodes without getting sucked into another show so I’d watch Monsters vs. Aliens all the time

    • @bethmaczko I’m like @internrachel on this: I pick a show that I’ve watched multiple times and that’s funny so that I can decompress from whatever serious thing I was watching while also not needing to be 100% engaged in whatever’s going on with my palate cleanser. I usually keep a stack of Psych episodes on my DVR for this very purpose.

    • Top Chef, Project Runway, One Day At A Time, Brooklyn 99, Fresh Off the Boat, Black-ish, People of Earth

    • I used Gilmore Girls as a palate cleanser for Jessica Jones in the first season. But if you want something shorter, Grace & Frankie I feel would work really well. Or any Michael Shur comedy…. I also personally use Friends because I know it so well I can pick and choose appropriate episodes and don’t need to really pay attention too much.

  25. would anyone be up for writing my beloved, Emma, a love poem? We celebrated our seven year anniversary last week, but I have chronic suicidal depression right now, am mainly bed bound, and my brain isn’t working (nor are my muscles or my mojo or much of anything). I need some help to let her know how much I love her and how deeply I appreciate how hard she’s been working, keeping down her full time job as a nurse and trying to keep me alive (sounds dramatic but if you’ve experienced depression, you get it). She is a goddess, and my darling, and my hilarious, gorgeous, sexy best friend, but my illness has been making life soooooooooo tough for her recently, and I need some help to say thank you, and here’s to the next seven years.

    • you already got all the pieces here, so i rearranged them:

      My beloved, Emma,

      My darling

      I love her;

      how hard she’s been working;

      A hilarious, gorgeous, sexy

      Best friend.

      My beloved,

      how deeply I appreciate

      Our seven years;

      And when my brain isn’t working,

      Nor my muscles,

      When I need help,

      She is a goddess.

      She is there keeping it

      Down and I feel

      Alive.

    • @millsy Was going to chime in that you already had the words for a great poem but Molly beat me to the punch. You see Emma’s love so clearly through the fog of depression…that’s how strong it is.

      Congratulations on seven glorious years together!

  26. What game is everyone playing lately? Mobile games included!

    optional q: who did you marry in Stardew Valley?? after playing Stardew on and off for a year and getting 10 hearts with every eligible character, i finally committed to Abigail and on our second day of marriage she gave me a bomb. I like her.

    • I finally just downloaded the Horizon Zero Dawn DLC. HZD was for sure my favorite game last year but, as you know, it is heavy, so I didn’t want o play The Frozen Wilds in the dead of winter IRL.

      I married Emily in Stardew. As soon as she nursed that magical parrot back to life, I was a goner.

      • I’m there with you too! That game is so cute! (I’m at 34377446103. I’ll water your plants and give you rare bugs ?)

        • It’s such a comforting, fun game, ne? I keep it open a lot, just occasionally filling a request or two in the odd lull. And the rounds of sharing that go on during the gardening events is really rather lovely. ^_^ (I’m 8190 6380 136)

          • i love the fishing so much. the primary reason i downloaded it was bc i was processing some serious anxiety on my couch, shoulders crunched up around my ears, staring off into space, and i thought, “i would give anything to be fishing in animal crossing right now and for the next 3 hrs.”

    • i’m mostly not playing anything right now, although i might cave and buy Civ V soon. i married Maru, the battery-obsessed nerd of my dreams.

    • I grabbed XCOM 2 on sale and have been having a good time with it, it’s really tough but I can name all my soldiers after fictional characters so now I’m really invested in their survival. I’ve also been dabbling in Cypher, which is just a bunch of codebreaking puzzles. And when I’m really feeling aimless, i put on Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy while I question what I am even doing with my life.

    • I got a Samsung Note 8 and it came with a stylus and I was like “wtf do I need a stylus for” and the answer, turns out, is DRAW SOMETHING. Did you know Draw Something still exists?? Well it does and now my favorite down-time pastime is being extremely extra and drawing overly elaborate versions of whatever word I have been assigned.

      Also I still play Candy Crush (mostly Soda) because I can’t just WATCH TV I have to watch TV while texting and live-tweeting and also playing a mindless game.

      Life is Strange: Before the Storm is next on my list though, real game wise.

      • yessss, i’ve conned some people into getting back into draw something lately. i’ve been on a real winnie the pooh themed drawings kick with @queergirl lately for some reason

        i’ve also been playing mario odyssey with my GF who is super into playing as the hat. being able to co-op works out well for me cuz i don’t always pay enough attention for games with any puzzle solving aspect. wish i coulda had someone tagging along with me when i played zelda…

        also, i married leah in stardew valley.

      • VALERIE ANNE I WAS WONDERING HOW YOUR PICTURES WERE SO DETAILED

        I thought you were performing UNAUTHORIZED MAGIC

    • I keep trying to make undertale a thing cause I see screenshots and I’m like, this will be a great experience but I accidentally like cleared shit from my computer so I lost my place and now I’m mad

      Dream Daddy makes me laugh a lot (but any form of dating makes me freeze so it’s been a minute getting through it) and I recently got Four Horsemen wHICH IVE WANTED FOREVER so those and I’ll probably play Night in the Woods again soon I love that darn thing

      i keep getting bundles on itch.io and so like there are quite a few i look at and im like, its gonna be so great when i play you, and then like get a notification on twitter and completely forget til 3 am

      And now you’ve got me adding Stardew Valley to my list thank youuuuuu

      • ugh i bought undertale and still haven’t played it FOR NO GOOD REASON i am the most fickle gamer

      • I love most of these games! I’ll have to look into Four Horsemen. Have you played Butterfly Soup? It’s free to play (or you can pay $5 and get the game and the artbook, which is very cute) It’s only about 4 hours long and it’s a really charming, funny visual novel about a group of “gay asian girls* playing baseball and falling in love”

        *one is non-binary

  28. Y’all, I had a thought this morning while I made coffee. Remember that line from the end of Clue (“I’m gonna go home and SLEEP WITH MY WIFE.”).

    What if there was a Clue reboot and it was MS. Green???

    Who would you cast in a gender-flipped or reboot Clue? And how would you rewrite/modernize the setting to make it sensible that Green is a lesbian instead of a closeted gay man?

    • I’ve never seen Clue but I spend a lot of spare time dream-casting Letitia Wright, Tatiana Maslany, and Gina Rodriguez in things lately so…them?

    • I harbored a very serious crush on Tim Curry from the late 80’s through early 2000’s, so I am very familiar with Clue.

      Here we go, gender-swapped and/or reboot Clue:

      Wadsworth – Laverne Cox
      Mx. Scarlet – Jackie Cruz
      Col. Mustard – Lea DeLaria
      Mx. White – Sasha Velour
      Prof. Plum – Natasha Lyonne
      Mx. Peacock – Margaret Cho
      Mx. Green – Gina Rodriguez
      Yvette – Demi Lovato
      Mx. Boddy – Uzo Aduba
      The Cop – Evan Rachel Wood
      The Singing Telegram Girl – Janelle Monae

  29. does anyone have any go-the-fuck-to-sleep/sleep hygiene related tips? (relatedly, does anyone know how to convince one’s late-night-self that the internet will still be there in the morning and it’s okay to start trying to go to sleep before pass out time?)

    • Ugh I wish. Insomniac here. I feel like I have all the regular tips that I don’t follow and so I don’t sleep. Don’t internet in bed, close your blinds/get a sleep mask (this one actually works for me), try melatonin/valerian, create a consistent sleep schedule, create a PM routine, and prolly more stuff but I bet you’ve tried these???

    • If my brain is really buzzing, I do this thing where I’m very still and I close my eyes and try to visualize each individual part of my body relaxing, one-by-one, going from my toes to my head. Like, I think, “Toes, go to sleep,” and try to imagine them relaxing, then “Feett, go to sleep. Ankles, go to sleep. Calves, go to sleep,” and so on and so forth. Usually, between the relaxing visualization and the concentration it takes to do the visualization, I can trick my brain into relaxing, too.

      I also recommend some sort of nighttime routine, even just doing your basic nighttime things in the same order every night to trigger your brain into realizing it’s sleep time.

      You’re on your own on the internet thing. LOL. The last part of my nighttime routine is looking at my phone, which I know is scientifically wrong for sleepiness, but I need to do my internet things!

    • A thing I do when I can’t sleep that I don’t know why it works or whether it would work for anybody but me, is I imagine warming up on the pitcher’s mound? Like, the feeling of the ball in my hand and where my feet go and the motion of throwing, and just kind of hypnotize myself to sleep with that repetitive memory/visualization.

    • Yes! I do!

      1) Get yourself a nightly routine! If you do the same things every night to get your brain and body ready to sleep, you brain and body will learn to associate those things with sleep and start winding down for you once they get used to them. (I always have a bath or a shower, a cup of nighttime tea, and an hour of book reading before bed.)

      2) Put your phone on the charger in another room AT LEAST one hour before your bedtime. If you can’t do that because you need to be on-call for personal or work reasons, employ do not disturb mode to turn off all nonessential alerts and charge your phone across the room so you have to get out of bed to look at it.

      3) Meditation and exercise. I know this is not for everyone but, for me, meditation calms my mind and exercise calms my body and that makes it a heck of a lot easier to sleep!

    • My therapist helped me with a night routine and when I actually stick with it, it helps!! (I am not always the best about sticking with it). Here are the highlights:

      1. Set a “night routine” alarm like you set an alarm to wake up in the morning. Stick with it! The alarm goes off, stop what your doing and get ready for bed (for me the alarm is usually set for 10pm or 11pm, depending on my work that day)

      2. Do the same routine in the same order as you get best for bed, it will teach your body “muscle memory” that it’s bedtime and it should be getting tired (for me this involves a skincare routine and brushing my teeth, making tea, and pajamas)

      3. No overhead or bright lights in the bedroom after your night routine! Light a candle if you must– remember to keep it safe, no burning down the house! Also: nighttime light settings on your phone and laptop so that you get rid of the evil “blue light” that keeps your brain awake! Also, lower the light on your phone to its lowest setting.

      4. No phone or laptop in bed at night! No working in your bed during the day! No TV from bed! Keep the bed as a place for sleep or sex only. (I have literally never gotten this step right)

      5. Light, slow exercise or stretching before getting in bed will relax your muscles

      6. Light reading- from an actual book- for a set amount of time before sleep if you aren’t actually tired yet. By the time the set time is finished, you should be ready for bed.

      7. It seems counterintuitive, but if you wake up in the middle of night and can’t sleep- get out of bed! But still, no overhead lights, laptop, phone or tv. Try more quiet reading by candlelight or free journaling or light, slow exercise (think:Yoga). Once your mind has settled down again, try getting back in bed for sleep.

      Hope something on this list pings for you!! Good luck! You got this!

  30. Hi! I have a more practical question–my partner and I are getting married next year, and she might want to wear a suit, but a more femme suit (i.e, she likes shorter style, close fitting blazers and she likes to wear flared trousers rather than straight ones, but she did recently admire the photo of Eva Friedman in Monday’s Also Also Also and she’s wearing straight pants). Sadly, a custom suit is not in our budget right now–she’s looking to spend around $300. I’ve thought of Wildfang and J. Crew, but do you have any other suggestions for where she could look for this kind of a suit? Initially she wanted a three piece suit but I’m finding those impossible to find for purchase off the rack. Thanks for your help in advance!!

    • Express has some really nice blazers and a BUNCH of different pants to mix & match. That’s where I’ve had the most luck right off the rack (but it’s pricy, at least by my what-do-you-mean-t-shirts/jeans-aren’t-dressy-enough standards). You might also consider checking out some thrift stores & consulting a tailor, which I imagine would cost wayyy less than a custom outfit.

    • New York and Company has lots of suiting separates that are more fitted and in that range. You might have to invest in getting them tailored to fit perfectly, but that usually doesn’t cost too much.

      It’s more on the MoC side, but Macy’s has a decent store brand of fitted slimfit three-piece suits that have stretch, so they tend to fit better in my experience and provide a less “boxy” look than traditional suits. I think the store brand is called Inc. Again, you’ll probably have to have a tailor help fine-tune it.

    • first of all CONGRATULATIONS !

      what if she bought a suit and had it tailored to her exact specifications? according to this possibly outdated and incorrect post from real simple, it might be in your budget? qwear and dapperq are also great places to look for tailoring tips!

  31. What is your opinion on the resurrection of After Ellen? It’s a different animal now.

    • Hey, it’s not all gonna be a walk in the park.
      I’ll say I’m happy that there’s one more lesbian content provider out there in the world

  32. I would like to know everyone’s DnD alignment in the streets and in the sheets, please.

  33. Heather! If you had to choose, IF YOU HAD TO, which do you prefer: tabby, calico, tortoiseshell?

    *I panicked. I couldn’t think of a good/deep question.

    • Thank you for asking me this. You know I love, love, love all cats, but you’ve given me a chance to talk about my very first cat that I had as an adult and her name was Nala Jane. She came to me — like all my pets come to me — a terrified, scraggled mess, but I brought took her to a doctor and got her fixed up and brought her home and loved loved loved loved loved her and she was my constant companion for so many years. She loved bottle caps and sleeping on my chest while I read books in bed.

  34. What happens to zombies if they don’t eat? It’s not like they can die again

    • To answer a question with a question: What happens to zombies after they eat? Where does it all go? Can zombies poop?

    • It is my professional opinion that there is some kind of metabolic/regenerative cellular process that requires them to feed. I think there is a basic instinct them to feed in order for them to not completely fall apart at the same rate as a regular corpse. I THINK that if zombies don’t feed, they start to fall apart and AS WE ALL KNOW severing the spinal cord/headshots kill zombies. If the spinal cord degenerates too much, the zombie “dies”.

      • That makes a lot of sense, Cameron. But now I’ll spend all day think8ng about whether or not zombies poop

        • I would think that all of the food would go into keeping the zombie body from falling apart, and there probably wouldnt have be “waste”, but I’m not sure that makes science sense…

      • Okay Alyssa introduced an interesting point that perhaps zombies go dormant when they don’t have enough food energy for locomotion & then reactivate when their next meal happens upon them, which I think is part of some zombie lore & plausible (as far as a conversation about zombie science can be)! But I still think that eventually the spinal cord would fall apart without food, so maybe don’t go spending time hiking in glaciers filled with dormant zoms.

        As for zombie poop, I’ve got nothing for you except that the Zombie Apocalypse probably smells worse than we all thought.

  35. Best tips for an unforgettable (birthday) party?

    I’m throwing a birthday party for my grandpa next month, and he is literally the best human on the entire planet and has done SO much for me. I really want the party to be special.

    • Definitely do not do what we did for my grandma’s birthday last year, when my uncle bought a bunch of defective fireworks and almost blew up the entire extended family

    • Find out what he likes! Ask other ppl who know him well if he’s one of those “I dunno/whatever” types?

    • For my 30th birthday I invited friends from far and wide and then we all ended up with the flu. That was pretty unforgettable. But 0/10 stars do not recommend.

      I think anything with personal touches is usually appreciated – even just one aspect of it that isn’t cookie-cutter, so that it’s clear this party couldn’t be just for ANYONE, but is especially for your grandpa.

    • When my wife turned 21, I asked all our friends to write something about her. It could have been a story or something they liked about her or a funny memory or whatever. I rounded them all up and put them in a book for her. You could do something like that for your grandpa.

      Wait.. you said party. Crap, that’s really just a present

  36. Advice please! Going to Buffy prom tomorrow and just realized I don’t think I’ve ever slow-danced with a woman (and I imagine slow-dancing will happen at prom). Any foolproof methods that will facilitate me asking a complete stranger to dance, because I don’t know anyone?

    • “Hi! I’m Dani, would you like to dance?” would go a long way! If she says “no thanks,” you graciously move on.

      Nothing is foolproof, but politeness, confidence, and being genuine usually get you close!

  37. Also, how is your favourite way to move your body? Like exercise or whatnots. What is your most alive form of movement?

    • yoga!! i love yoga and even just stretching on purpose and with focus for several minutes is great. otherwise i hate moving my body at all tbh.

    • I love playing Just Dance on the Wii because there’s no way to look “cool” doing it so I can just get goofy and have fun and also trick myrself into exercising which is honestly the only way I get exercise.

    • i LOOOOOVE to dance. pretty much as soon a my legs started moving again, i started awkwardly peppin’ around town with my dancing feet. i don’t care that it looks RIDICULOUS. it feels amazing to do, and i’m gonna do it for as long as i can possibly stand. WATCH ME.

    • Biking places for sure, it’s like a big FU to whatever weather I’m biking in, plus there’s a destination (a reward if you will!). I love bike paths where I don’t have to deal with cars and add a speaker with music and lights for night biking, and I’m good to go.

  38. Heather do you have a writing practice? I’m a grad student and feel burnt out most of the time from writing academic stuff BUT I have been dying to get back into personal writing and/or my fanfiction.

    • I do! This is a great question! My writing practice actually used to involve the act of writing every day but at this moment in my life and career I spend a lot more time doing editorial and administrative (and, honestly, social media) things than writing, but I do write at least four days a week and when I do, I make sure everything in my office is tidy so I can focus, that I’m comfortable in my chair, and that I have white noise either from a nearby fan or on my noise-cancelling headphones (which are sometimes necessary due to construction or loud neighbors). I have a couple of candles on rotation that I use when I write and my brain now associates the smell of them with creativity so that helps! (I use Headmaster’s Office and Old Books and The Shire from Forstbeard Studios.) Then I set a time for 40 minutes and I write. When the 40 minutes is up, I stand up and stretch or walk around the block, drink some water, and then sit back down and do another 40 until I reach my word or time goal!

      (I think fanfiction is one of the best creative energy harnesses and creative writing teachers ever!)

      • Thank you! This was really helpful! I’m horrid at getting myself on a schedule so I’m working on that too.
        I’ll have to check out the old books candle sounds like it will smell like my favorite childhood library.
        Thanks again Heather <3

    • I am a professional when it comes to terrible pick up lines that magically work. I think it’s all about the landing, I’m a regular ol’ Keri Strug. I feel like I peaked in college by making a lot of jokes about how much I work out. A thing that is not at all true.

      However, I think my opening line with my now-partner was “We should go?” So, I’ve gotten a lot less sporty and a lot more to the point in recent years.

    • This is the douche-iest thing I think I’ve ever done?

      In college I had a friend who we… idk, we had this thing where to piss each other off we’d lick the other one’s face because it was gross? And one time she said, “YOU JUST LICKED THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH.” & I said “If I licked the inside of your mouth, I’d still be making out with you.”

      Then we started making out. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    • I think genuinely the only opening line I’ve used is “do you wanna makeout?” If i want to kiss you, i’m not smooth and I’ll just straightforward ask you

  40. If it was your last day on earth, what would eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

    • raisin nut bran cereal with soy milk
      a banana
      carnitas tacos and i’d go to the trouble of making the tortillas myself
      a peach
      carbonara with more parmesan than i’ve ever had in my life
      lots of IPA bc i am definitely freaking out re: last day on earth

    • Breakfast: giant veggie and cheese omelette, coffee, SO MUCH BACON MORE BACON EVEN
      Lunch: Spaghetti and meatballs and soft italian bread, all with an aggressive amount of garlic
      Dinner: Takeout from all my favorite restaurants (aka a Indian, Korean, Thai, Chinese, Japanese, pizza buffet)

      It wouldn’t really be three separate meals so much as just a constant rotation of food choices from morning ’til my final rest.

    • Breakfast: my grandpa’s papas con chorizo breakfast tacos
      Lunch: a #1 from Whataburger, toasted buns, mayo, cheese and jalapenos with huge fries and a Dr. Pepper
      Dinner: El Come taco: 1 tripa taco – extra crispy, 1 cecina de la casa, 1 al pastor, 1 cabeza taco

    • i would do a tour of all my favorite restaurants in Astoria, drinking heavily all the while

    • waffles. waffles. and waffles.

      and every single one would have an entire stick of butter on it.

    • Every *NSYNC song ever recorded (the autocorrect on my phone just auto-capitalized *NSYNC and out the asterisk in front, so you know it’s real).

      Ummm, “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls? I don’t think that’s embarrassing though. However, I do the entire angel B/ Scary spice rant in a full British accent, which is definitely worth a cringe but it’s how I learned the song when I was 11 years old and can’t stop now! So here we are!

      • I met Aaron Carter in 2001 and splashed around a pool with him. Maybe that’s why he isn’t straight now…

    • At some point I’d somehow memorised the lyrics to The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang (the song that goes “you and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel”). I don’t find it embarrassing personally :P

  43. Y’all. I’ve got it bad. Like, real bad. I haven’t had it this bad in maybe, like, forever? And I’m a grown ass person. I thought this was over like a decade ago??? You know when you picture your life and your future partner, there’s this, like, FEELING. You know? And it’s something that you miss even though you haven’t had it yet. And they make you feel alive and like you’re humming with energy and possibility. She’s all that and a bag of chips with a side of baked beans. She’s honestly the dream. Stand outside her window with a jambox dream. Walk 500 miles dream. Put a ring on it dream. Goals. All of it.

    Ok, so what am I waiting on, right?!

    First, a little info on me: INFJ. Enneagram 5w4. A winning combo of nerdy and nervous. I basically don’t do anything until I’ve gathered data, researched the living hell out of it and I’m certain of success, so I DON’T DO MUCH besides think. Very few action steps over here. (But I’m working on it.)

    Dreamboat and I met about a month ago through work. We work for the same organization, but are based more than 1,000 miles apart. Our meeting was very professional; there was no flirting or expression of interest from either of us. (I think. I could have been sweaty and drooling and avoiding eye contact. Who knows???) But she’s pretty much all I have thought of since.

    Remember the part about needing facts and data before acting? I HAVE NO FACTS OR DATA about Dreamboat and it’s making me crazy. Is she even queer? Have I projected and imagined all of this? Do I need professional help? (Most def, and I have a therapist.) But! I would love to hear the opinions of this community, who I love and trust. Help! What do I do?

    • hi hello! I think the best thing about not knowing anything about a crush is that you can IMAGINE all sorts of things and scenarios about said crush! Most of which will probably not happen but also, maybe it could? It sounds like you perhaps like the idea of this person more than you actually know her. It’s easy to build someone up 1,000 miles away and even more so when there hasn’t been a lot of non-professional conversations. Do you all ever communicate about non-work related things? If so I’d drop hints about being queer and see how she responds. If not, I’d confess so I can get fuckin’ over it (maybe not the best course since you work together? This seems to go fine in the service industry where everyone is already sleeping with each other). Sometimes I equate crushes to stress-cycles, where unless you complete the cycle you stay perpetually stuck where you are. Otherwise I’d double-down on reminding myself what a hunkbabe I am by focusing hard on my community, friends, new friends, and hobbies that are already around me and making THAT my focus, instead of a crush that’s mostly in my imagination (as fun as it is to dream).

      • Hello Archie!! :) This is excellent advice and probably exactly what I needed to be told. Without going into too much detail, we have really weird (but awesome!) outdoor industry jobs and actually spent 10 days together in the wilderness with 6 other people. For work haha. So we got to know each other pretty well! BUT you’re most def right about needing to focus on what’s actually at hand instead of in my mind. Thank you!

  45. This is for Heather but really for any of you lovelies – how do you keep plugging away like brave little toasters every day and not lose hope when things feel so bleak in the news and everywhere?

    (I’m ok don’t worry)

    • I think it’s two strategies and one Big Belief.

      1) I am reaaaaallllllly deliberate about what I let into my head these days. The news, yes, and how I consume the news — I never just aimlessly scroll through Twitter anymore — but also movies and TV shows and books and video games and the energy and opinions of other people. I’m a feelings sponge. Even the emotion behind some random person’s tweet, for example, I soak that up into my body and feel it like it’s my own feelings. So I have to be smart about what and who I’m engaging with and honest with myself about what certain types of media are going to do to my mood and how those moods will manifest in my actions.

      2) In the last year or so, for the first time in my life, I am being really intentional about doing things that sustain my soul. Not just if I have time (I never have time) but making time to be happy. It’s big stuff like arranging my work schedule around being able to bike in the middle of the day while the sun’s out and making meditation the number one priority of my morning and budgeting in more money for books so I don’t just end up reading social media because I’m bored. But it’s also little things like more bubble baths and spending a few extra dollars on the good coffee. Doing stuff that makes me feel good makes me feel good but it also makes me feel like I deserve to feel good and that keeps up my spirits.

      The Big Belief is approaching these dark days with the knowledge that I am part of a community (that includes you!) that is relentless in its pursuit of justice and its goal of making the world a better place. I’m not just out here by myself flailing around helplessly and hopelessly; my actions are amplified by the enormous group of people I’m tethered to who are also doing their very best to make the world warmer and brighter for all oppressed people. And this community is also anchored in a history I feel deeply connected to. Sylvia Rivera, Marsha P. Johnson, Jeanne Cordova; heck, even Ellen! I feel like my feet are rooted in that power and triumph and I am constantly comforted by the fact that the LGBTQ elders who went before us didn’t know what the fruits of their actions would be. They couldn’t have imagined the progress we’ve made because of the groundwork they laid, and I believe that if I keep working as they worked that the queer and trans people who come after me will say that same thing about me. Maybe I’ll see it, maybe I won’t, but either way I know it matters.

      I just try to love myself and be gentle with myself and work as hard as I can and trust the collective power of us.

      • Ok this answer is really super helpful! I love that you talked about concrete steps you take, in addition to your philosophies/beliefs. Thank you for this! <3

    • Little known fact: Being optimistic and hopeful takes work. It’s not easy work, it’s not always fun work, but in my opinion, it’s worth it. Heather had all the good advice, as usual. For me, it’s important to balance the good with the bad, the news with the fluff. Spend as much time as you spend reading/watching the news doing something that makes you feel relaxed and happy. (Or ideally more on the latter thing but I know that’s hard sometimes.)

    • Honestly I go look at Twitter interactions between Mal Ortberg & Nicole Cliffe & am reminded that there are still things that are good & pure in this world, even on That Hellsite.

      • Nicole Cliffe tweets so prolifically that her tweets basically fill my timeline and it cleans up Twitter a LOT

  46. Question #3: Last time you did an Ask Us Anything post, I asked a question about how to ethically (or not) get rid of my wife’s hideous electric mint fleece bathrobe. I can give you an update on this situation, which is that our marriage has somehow flourished during the 3 years since then despite the bathrobe, and maybe there was even a minor breakthrough once where it hung open just the right amount and there was some side-boob action going on and it was probably about as sexy as electric mint fleece can get?

    Anyway, this has got me wondering: what is the most seemingly-trivial, yet almost insurmountable obstacle that you have overcome in pursuit of true love?

    • when i met megan she lost her keys literally every day, multiple times a day. she never knew where her keys were. ever. sally i need you to understand that when i say never i mean never. so i made a key rack and started putting them there for her, or stopping her the second she crossed the threshold into the house and shouting PUT YOUR KEYS ON THE KEY RACK. it worked and now she always knows where her keys are! i felt like emperor of the universe.

      • Laneia, I need you to know that my date tonight just canceled on me and I got real sad about love for a minute but this just significantly lifted my spirits.

  47. Oh and here’s a fun one, what was the very first thing each of you got paid to write?

  48. Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual vs Kristen Stewart.
    Who ya got?
    Pick one and only one

  49. Hello I love you all!

    I’m currently going through my first Saturn return and it is actually amazing! I’m going to therapy, making all kinds of self-discoveries, learning to love myself, etc. However, one side effect of all this growth is that I feel like I have to Be My Best Self every moment of the day, which means that I can be pretty hard on myself when I do minor things like sleep in longer than I wanted, have one more drink than I planned, or miss a workout class when I told myself I’d go. Any tips on practicing kindness towards myself in the swirl of daily life?

    • It sounds like you’re doing amazing already! You should focus on the things you accomplished in a day. What I like to do at the end of the day is say or write down 3 things that I’m thankful for and that usually helps put things in perspective and keeps things positive for me.

  50. Favorite Mommis & Daddy(s).

    (I’m obsessed and can’t have this conversation with anybody else.)

  52. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUTOSTRADDLE! Also PS it makes me happy that Autostraddle is a Pisces just like me/Shane’s hair in seasons 4 of The L Word.

    <3 Bree

  53. I’m currently following Rhea Butcher, Cameron Esposito, and Lea DeLaria on Instagram and I want more butches to follow. They do not have to be famous, just #stylegoals. Recommendations?

  54. Mostly I want to thank y’all for being such an amazing site, for your work and commitment to doing it better all the time, for giving me things to think about and to laugh about. So thank you!

    A second question: How mad are we that movies about heteronormative fish-people relationships and white gay men’s “coming of age stories” that are really about an adult seducing a CHILD got WAY MORE LOVE THAN CAROL??? How mad are we? (Very.)

  55. How do I cultivate more of the generosity of spirit that is the Heather Hogan Public Persona? (Would love to hear from anyone on this.)

    • this is tough bc it’s also the heather hogan private persona and her heart is bigger than any of us. maybe you have to be scared off of your school bus in early childhood by a vampire to reach this level of generosity??

    • Hello! I don’t know you so forgive me if this sounds like Heathersplaining, but I’m going to start by saying that Heather Hogan’s “public persona” is just her real persona but in public? If that makes sense? The first time I met her I was nervous but then within approximately 5 seconds I was not nervous at all because it turns out I already knew her real life self from knowing her on the internet.

      One of my mantras is definitely What Would Heather Hogan Do because I think the world would be better if everyone was just a LITTLE bit more like Heather Hogan (obviously not too much more because the world is more fun when we’re all wildly different) so here are some things I’ve learned from Heather Anne Hogan:

      1) Be gentle with yourself. It’s hard. Very hard. But look at how much more kind you are to other people than you are to yourself! You’re doing great, give yourself a break.

      2) Don’t take all criticism at face value. Consider the source, the content, and the delivery. Sometimes (often, even!) criticism can help us learn and grow. But sometimes it’s just someone who disagrees with you lashing out (especially on Twitter). And it’s hard to know the difference sometimes, but it’s important not to just turn on a dime every time someone tells you to. Learn when something requires more reflection, and when it’s just an angry shipper taking their hurt feelings out on you.

      3) If you love something/someone, love it/them out loud. There’s no such thing as a guilty pleasure if you feel no guilt for the pleasure it gives you.

      If, by some chance, I’ve misread the question and you’re just asking how to get more of that quality Heather Hogan content, I’M VERY SORRY, but here’s my new answer: I recommend following her on Instagram because she recently learned how to do Instagram stories and she’s already perfect at them.

      • If I may, we could also all stand to cultivate some of the Valerie Anne Generosity of Spirit. Just sayin’.

      • You interpreted my question correctly, and this is great advice! And to clarify (bc I wrote very hastily in a free second), I have no doubts that all Heathers are actual Heather, I just a) don’t want to assume I know anyone’s heart, and b) am not entirely convinced I can change my own heart, but am very interested in being a better person in the world. Heathersplain away.

    • Thank you for saying you think I have a generosity of spirit! You have warmed my heart straight through!

    • I’m trying to cultivate it through diffusion. It’s been 9 months and it hasn’t worked yet but I’m still hopeful.

  56. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, THANK YOU FOR EXISTING (SERIOUSLY)

    How many couples do you think have met through Autostraddle? Ballpark estimate. Use whatever scientific or unscientific reasoning you like. I’m getting married in 12 DAYS (!!!!) and it’s all thanks to this website. Also you should do an interview series of AS couples in the style of Interview With My Ex :D

    • “interview series of AS couples in the style of Interview With My Ex”
      I second this emotion

    • Congrats, Chandra! That’s amazing!

      Umm my guess is like A LOT, A LOT. I would put it at maybe 100 couples idk

    • !!!! I’m so happy for you getting married in 12 days because of this website!

      I think, if you include camp and relationships that didn’t work out, over 1k? i feel like each camp leads to 20 couples or so.

      according to our 2016 reader survey, 2% of our readers have found a partner or dated through autostraddle, but yannow, that was two years ago and also i don’t know if they included camp as part of that.

  57. Also what’s a question nobody has asked yet that you’re hoping someone will ask? Yes, this is my sneaky way of getting around the fact that I can’t think of any other good questions to ask.

    • this is a very big question i’m not sure how to answer it but i’ll try!

      there are good things about the way it used to be — more intimate, a consistent voice, i had more control over everything (bwahahahahah!!!), very light social media presence, more active commenters, the occasional feeling that the site was entirely subject to the whims of riese & laneia, we still had every possible post idea at our fingertips (it’s harder to come up with ideas now ’cause we’ve used so many of ’em already!), we weren’t as inhibited in our writing by the years of being corrected and criticized and dissected… and competition and an increased interest in queer stories from financially prosperous companies has meant that a lot of stories that used to come to us because it was us or nobody; now end up on buzzfeed, or them, or really anywhere at all. that’s good for writers, on the macro level, but is tough for us.

      but that period of time was good for us and, more or less, people who were just like us. there were so many groups of people who weren’t represented or didn’t feel included on autostraddle — or, even, felt intentionally excluded — and the main thing that has changed as we’ve grown is that now there are so many different voices we present and the experiences we can speak to.we’ve learned so much, too, and even when that learning was painful and ego-bruising, it made us better and the site better in the end.

      i’m not sure, though, that i’m capable of answering this question. evolution is a tricky thing for the evolved subject themselves — it’s easier to recognize change than it is to track evolution, unless it’s deliberate, like our deliberate attention to increased diversity. and the world has been evolving, too, especially for LGBTQ folks. it’s whiplash upon whiplash and it seems bananas that we used to do so much coverage of adam lambert when we now have so many out queer women musicians that why would we ever dwell so long on one gay white man. (but i still love adam lambert, FTR.) camp has changed things — we know our readers better now, because we’ve met so many of them, but it’s also harder to write openly about our personal lives when so many readers know our friends and lovers and exes, some have even been our friends and lovers and exes.

      there are days or weeks when our content is so incredible, when the diversity of voices and experiences and topics we’re setting before you is so immense i can hardly believe this is a little thing i used to run from a mattress on a floor using an upturned cardboard box as a desk.

      so although i can’t tell you, specifically, what our evolution is, or know what you meant when you asked this, i can tell you that every day i am more and more proud of us — of my editors, our writers, illustrators, all our support staff, our *readers*, our a+ members — that we’ve refined what we consider worth talking about in a way I know to be progressive and wise, that we’ve learned so much from experience, truly evolved as human beings, listened to feedback, that we are trying every single day to be better than the day before and we’ve had slumps but most of the time we’re just shooting forward. That we have a great group of sub-eds and staff writers who are weird and hilarious and insightful and so so so empathetic and caring and kind and *talented.* So the way I feel about the evolution of our site, then, I think, is “good.” We have grown and learned and I think it shows.

  59. gamer types-
    I am looking for a single player PC adventure/RPG recommendation.
    I’ve played a lot of The Sims and various free browser/app games and want to buy something new to obsess over. But I am overwhelmed by all the Dragon Age/Elder Scrolls/etc. options and don’t know where to begin!
    So what is one game that you think is great and worth the investment (that isn’t too horribly sexist) that I should check out?

    • This is tough because my actual answer is to play all of the games you’re overwhelmed by having to choose from, and that is not helpful!

      I guess in a world where you were only ever going to play one, I would say get Skyrim. Because you can play it forever, any way you want. The actual story of it is whatever, but the adventure/exploration is endless.

      The Dragon Age games are my favorite series, they’re much more focused on story and characters. So I do recommend these but maybe not for your first big game? The newest one, Inquisition, is actually pretty approachable if you don’t mind jumping into the world 2 games late (it’s a standalone story, but events from the first 2 games are relevent).

  60. Oh I thought of one. What’s something that you secretly think makes you a bad queer? (i.e. You don’t like X popular celesbian/fashion item/queer culture thing, you’re not good at X, etc.)

    • I used to think being allergic to cats made me a bad queer but Riese is also allergic to cats and she’s the best of us, soooo

    • I can’t tell Tegan and Sara apart and I can’t spell “pieszecki” without looking it up.

    • drag kings make me feel weird.

      IT’S THE HEAVY CONTOURING AND THE LIP SYNCING AND ALL THE EYE CONTACT! it’s too much!

    • i know this sounds weird but i feel like so many queer women i know, moreso than straight women i have known, are SUPER comfortable with and even prefer to be naked as often as possible? and going to clothing-optional beaches and stuff like that. i like being naked for the period of time it takes me to have sex or take a shower, but beyond that i prefer to be clothed. i feel comfortable just wearing underwear and nothing else, but i need that underwear! this was also a problem when i was a sex worker (at a massage parlor, just hand jobs, no sex) ’cause i felt much more comfortable when i could keep even just a thong on and clients generally preferred otherwise.

      i also think i generally am less of a “communicate verbally about sex while having sex” person. like i don’t want to be asked if i can be touched in this or that place as it is happening, i’m much more comfortable with and turned on by non-verbal forms of consent and sexual communication. i’m also pretty consistently amazed by how much queer women seem to know exactly what they want in bed before they even get into bed? i definitely do not. this might be social conditioning, or that i experience responsive desire moreso than spontaneous desire, i’m not sure what it is! i’ve gotten more comfortable over time with talking about what i want in bed but it doesn’t come naturally.

    • A lot of lesbian culture flys over my head, either because I don’t find it compelling or I’ve just never watched it. The L Word, Tegan & Sara, Carol, Indigo Girls, whatever the stereotype. It’s all a big shrug for me.

      (Also I get judged a lot for “faking being queer” whenever my hair looks too normal so now I resent the concept hardcore)

    • IT’S GOING GREAT although i eat it a lot less now, i enjoy my soylent over ice and it’s been very cold.
      the coffee flavors are the best
      i highly recommend it
      i converted gaby dunn, look it up

  62. Happiest of Birthdays To You!!!!!!!! I can’t believe it’s been 9 years! I am so happy you keep doing your wonderfully weird things day after day and that this community exists!!

    Speaking of celebrations and anniversaries, my bestest best friend and I our having our 20th friend anniversary around this coming Halloween. We met when we were 3, so I don’t know the exact day just roughly that it was right after Halloween and I don’t know if she remembers it as well as I do, I’m a few months older. I’ve been planning a surprise celebration for her/us the last two years, knowing that this was coming and is kind of a huge deal. So far my plan is to just tell her I want to come visit and stay with her for a night or two and not tell her exactly why. Then get an obnoxiously cute/huge balloon for her, make some elaborate dessert thing, get watermelon popsicles(we love watermelon) and watch movies, at least Mulan, together (a favorite from our childhood- who knew we’d both be super queer). Does anyone have any thoughts for something really cute that I could do in addition to all that?

    • Oh I am just waking up so I forgot the biggest part!!!! I’m gonna get toy swords and shields for us to play with cause we did that a lot growing up! AND when we first met right after Halloween, she was still wearing her costume and said boldly “I AM Xena the Princess Warrior!”! <3 SO there's that too!

    • This is already hella cute! Maybe making her a card or small gift that talks about or shows how much she means to you because it’s something tangible that she can take with her after the fun times?

  63. For Heather specifically, but open to anyone else if you have ideas!

    I already put this is the A+ Ask box, but the situation is getting desperate so I’m asking again here! I recently moved back home with my parents for a few months, and my cat and my parents’ cat do NOT get along. My cat Pandora is female, 7 years old, pretty large, loves humans, but is terrified of all other animals. If I am at home, she wants to be where I am AT ALL TIMES, even if that means having to be near the scary other cat. My parents’ cat Ozzy is also female, but younger and smaller, and pretty territorial. So far we’ve been managing by keeping the door to the kitchen closed, and keeping Ozzy in the kitchen/living room and Pandora upstairs. But we’ve been experimenting with opening the door and letting them interact while we are home, and it isn’t going well. Ozzy will hiss whenever Pandora tries to pass by her and enter the kitchen, and Pandora will attempt to enter the kitchen whenever I do. And also, her food is kept in fridge in the kitchen, even though we make her eat it upstairs, so she will try to come into the kitchen whenever it’s feeding time. And since Ozzy’s food bowl is in the kitchen, if she’s left any food, Pandora will try to eat it.

    So my question is basically – how can we make them get along?! Is it possible to change the behaviour of grown cats who are each used to being the only pet in the house? I’m hoping to move out with the next 2 months or so, so a long term solution probably isn’t necessary, but regardless, any advice would be helpful!

    • Allison! I’m glad you asked this here! I answered it for the next inbox A+ thing but I genuinely wanted to help you immediately! Here is what I said there:

      Cats are so persnickety and this is so stressful. One of our cats had to spend a few days at the hospital recently and when he came home his brother and sister — who have lived with him every second of their lives! — didn’t recognize him because he smelled different and they tried to murder him for about five entire days. Which brings me to my first tip: trick them into smelling like each other! Get them to each sleep on a t-shirt or towel and then rub that t-shirt or towel onto the other cat. You could also try feeding them treats on opposite sides of a door so that they know the other one is there but they start associating him/her with delicious food. Another thing to try is Feliway Multicat. It’s a cat-calming diffuser that helps mimics mom cat pheromones to keep cats calm around each other. The other thing is making sure they know they have their own food, water, and litter away from the other one. It’s really all about smell and making sure they don’t feel like their resources are being depleted by the other one. If you have any specific questions about specific scenarios, you can always email me!

      • I was going to suggest checking out Jackson Galaxy’s website/youtube channel for how to make your cats get along, but I think Heather mentioned most of the things he would suggest. Good luck!

      • Thank you Heather! (And Erica!)

        We’ve done the feeding treats thing a little, so we’ll keep doing that. Mostly they just eat angrily. Like, they’ll eat their treats while simultaneously growling. I don’t know how they do it. Their food and litterboxes are already in separate parts of the house, so good for us. So I guess the next hing is the smell thing. I think I can sacrifice a few tshirts and sweaters to this cause. Thanks so much! And I will absolutely email you if I have another other questions, I appreciate that!

  65. Okay, another question. I’m still recovering from a really terrible break up, and I’m still definitely 100% in love with my ex. But I’ve been SUPER casually sleeping with someone else for about a month now. We’ve had good communication, we’re both in total agreement that this thing is CASUAL and that we are not dating or girlfriends or anything, just two friends who have sex about once a week. But we ARE friends and I do genuinely enjoy hanging out with her and talking with her, not just having sex with her. And if/when we stop having sex, we’ll go back to being just friends, and that will be totally fine.

    So my question is – where do you draw the boundary lines? What crosses the line between “friends who have sex” and “girlfriends”? Probably that line is different for everyone, and I’ve already sort of started to figure out for myself what feels comfortable and what doesn’t, but do any of you have any recommendations/rules/advice for what’s worked with you in similar situations in the past? This is literally the first time I’ve ever had sex with someone I wasn’t officially dating, so I’m a little out of my comfort zone, but I KNOWWWWW that I’m not in any way ready for any kind of relationship right now, and neither is she.

    • That line is definitely different for everyone and, also, like, feelings are a thing that most people have.

      I’d say the very most important thing is to have a frank conversation when you’re not in a sex moment about what you both need, what rules or hard stops you have, and what you’re ok/not ok with outside of the bedroom. I’d say a super important rule is that you HAVE to talk to each other if either one of you starts to have more-than-friend feelings, before those feelings get big and monstrous and possibly-friendship-ruining. It’s a real thing that could happen and, like, you’ve gotta be honest with each other about it.

      Also, I’d say if you’re hanging out as friends, be super conscious about physical affection–in public especially, but even in private. That’s the kind of stuff that gets confusing and blurs boundaries. Keep bedroom stuff in the bedroom (figuratively, not literally–go wild) and friend stuff in the platonic touching zone.

      DISCLAIMER: I frequently have slept with my friends and then dated them, so, like, maybe I’m not the best person to give advice, but it’s what I think has been important during the few times I’ve had a genuine FWB relationship.

    • Oh, hey! I’m not sure there is a definitive line. I think it’s different for everyone. And sometimes fun is just fun! There’s no guideline for how it should go.

      It sounds like you’re communicating and that’s rad! I do stronglyyyyy urge you to stay on top of talking and checking in about how you’re each feeling openly, honestly, and often. I can’t stress how much it suxxx when you are certain you’re on the same page but aren’t, and sometimes things change. So staying flexible and mindful of that is probably the most important thing.

  67. How do you balance your videogame playing time with TV watching time and still fulfilling your basic human needs? I find that I go through phases of playing video games but then get SO far behind on TV, and then catch up on TV and go months without playing video games. Looking for any advice I can get!

  68. And now for something less self-indulgent!

    Editors, what is something you’d love to do on the site, specifically relating to television/pop culture, that is unique or different (aka not just more recaps, though I love those!!), if you had more money/time/energy/help/resources to do it?

    • oh wow i feel like this is something i could think about for days!

      – set visits! i’d love to have our writers (ideally me) spending several days on the set of some of the shows we write about, taking photos, interviewing actors, writers, the showrunner, etc., to turn into features. Entertainment Weekly does this all the time and I’m jealous of it! Mey did a Transparent set visit once which was rad.

      – what if The L Word reunion thing Entertainment Weekly did was something WE HAD DONE INSTEAD??

      – really wish we could get invited to or attend or afford to attend things like TCA press tours, network up-fronts and other events where information about upcoming shows is distributed, like panels at SXSW or ComicCon.

      – a section of our site where readers could see just basic info on which shows are currently airing with queer characters. like a gay TV guide. this’d require a lot of special coding

      – it’s absurd and HONESTLY HOMOPHOBIC that many networks, notably Netflix, still won’t give us the screeners they seemingly distribute freely to mainstream sites.

      – i desperately want to be publishing Oral Histories of shows like South of Nowhere, Sugar Rush, etc.

      – i want to be like the go-to press person for the l word revival how do i make this happen

        • ^^ Whoops! This comment is actually me (Carmen)- I didn’t realize I was still logged in my Mom’s A+ account! Sorrrrrrrry!

          (Also, you guys, my mom just became an A+ member today! I set up the account for her this evening!)

      • I’ve been using the Pilot G-2 07s by default-it’s what we have at work, but I think I’d really like the .38. I’ve been using Muji .38s, and Le Pens for my personal correspondence lately.

    • For Christmas last year, my boss got me PaperMate Injoy gel 0.7 pens in A RAINBOW OF COLORS and they are to ~die~ for. There’s one shade of purple in particular I love and I use it to proofread everything at work.

    • I’ve used Pigma Micron pens for a VERY LONG TIME but only just started to use the ones with a plastic nib (labelled PN instead of millimeters). And they’re great.

    • I am so glad you asked this question because I recently received a fountain pen (the Pilot Falcon) as a gift and every time I write with it I feel invincible. I even just ordered a bottle of ink for $12.50 like I’m Fitzwilliam Darcy over here. It is called Noodler’s Blue Nose Ink. Probably I will write a Hugo Award-winning novel within ten days of putting Noodler’s Blue Nose into my fountain pen.

      • That sounds pretty sweet. I bought myself a Pilot Metropolitan fountain pen, I haven’t used it too much, but I feel pretty fancy.

    • Sharpie Pens! (But the key is buying the pens, which have this great, dark vibrant stroke but never bleeds through paper! And not buying the markers! No matter how thin the markers are!)

      • Sharpie pens are my favorite, and yes, I’ve made the marker/pen mistake. Don’t do it!

    • Pilot Precise V5RT Retractable Roller Ball Pen, Extra Fine Point

      it is very difficult for me to write with anything else!

  70. In a couple of years when I hopefully finish my thesis, I plan to move back to the US and almost certainly not teach (which is what I’ve been doing for about 8 years). Advice from Riese or anyone on finding something you’re passionate about doing? After years of struggling to get by I’m mostly feeling passionate about being able to afford good cheese, not sure what I’d enjoy doing for work. Or general advice about changing career paths in your 30’s?

    The logical question might be what would be related to my thesis, but my thesis is on migration in contemporary Irish art which is super-interesting but not necessarily super-related to a job I’d want to do at home. Keeps doors open to teaching here in France again in the future/lets me think about interesting questions about experience, identity, affect,etc. But don’t know that the arts is an area I’d be into as a job.

    Anyway, any thoughts appreciated!

    • This is an oddball answer but it’s my usual answer to the question of “how do I find out what to do with my life”: do something out of character. Something you thought you’d never try, or something that seems beyond you, or something that you think doesn’t fit your “personal brand”. You don’t have to step outside your values or morals, but consider stepping outside your preconceived notions of who you are as a person. “Oh, I’m not sporty, I don’t think I should do a sport.” “Oh I’m very shy, there’s no way I’d ever be on stage.” “Urgh I’m so butch why would I ever femme it up.” That sorta thing. Even stuff like “I’ve secretly been curious about X but I don’t think I’m the right kind of person for it”.

      Do this out of character thing once – preferably in a collective situation. Go to a conference or convention. Take a class. Go see a show or a game. Etc. Something where you’re not going to be totally alone, something that gives you an opportunity to connect with someone or something else there.

      You may find that the Out of Character thing you’re doing is totally not your jam, and that’s fine. You only have to do it once. Or you may find, like I did the last few times I did this, that it changes your life. This is how I got into performance art: I took burlesque classes on a whim, thinking it would be the ‘naughtiest’ thing I do, and found myself loving it so much than 9 years later I have an MFA and an international career and a Fringe show coming up. I got into games by volunteering at conferences and trying out a game jam. Stuff like that.

      Give it a shot, see how you go. At the very least you’ll have a story to tell.

  73. Laneia, did you ever get someone to do that painting you wanted for your birthday? I was seriously down for that, although I haven’t painted in a while.

  75. When are y’all gonna get someone to write a regular women’s sports column so I am not sitting over here on my own obsessing about things like this weekend’s France-England rugby clash and how great Taylor Smith and her bear of a dog are and how I hope Washington treats them both right?

    • OMG isnt six nations the best time of year??
      But also i am loving how much the womens games are being talked about, as opposed to like five years ago. The france england game should be really good, but im also looking forward to Scotland ireland. It should be conpetitive.

      • IT’S THE VERY BEST TIME OF THE YEAR!

        Ever since the French women won with a grand slam 4 years ago and French public TV broadcasted the entire tourney, they’ve been getting more and more attention and record audiences here. At least 15000 tickets sold for Saturday’s match. And not coincidentally participation in women’s rugby here has increased massively. It’s so great to see. And there’s a pro league in England now!

        France wants revenge for the world cup, so I think the France-England match is going to be insane. But Scotland have been fighting so hard and improving, that will be a fun match up too.

      • I got a stomach bug and spent the hour before the game getting sick, but that France England match had me SCREAMING even though it felt like doing so was literally going to kill me. What. A. Fight.

        And the Scottish women won! And Italy got their first W. This is truly the best time of year.

  76. Have we talked about Call Me By Your Name on this website yet? Maybe we did and I missed it.
    I went in feeling VERY troubled about the age gap and left FEELING MORE TROUBLED AND ANGRY about the age gap. And several other things.
    So, what are ya’lls CMBYN opinions?

    • My feelings are 100% uncomfortable/ negative, and it is 100% about the age gap SPECIFICALLY. I don’t get why it doesn’t seem to bother more people, but would also be open to someone giving me a different point of view of how to look at it.

      All this to say, you are definitely not alone my friend.

    • The only real feeling I have about CMBYN is I laughed really hard when Erin called it Carol For Boys on Twitter.

    • I loved CMBYN and related to it a thousand more times than I did Carol. The age gap is at least half of what it is in Carol (in the book Therese is 19 while Carol is over a decade older and in the movie the age gap seems to be like 22-42). As someone who used to be seen as a gay man, CMBYN was a beautiful and amazing movie that means a lot to me

      • Shit, Mey, I didn’t even think about Carol. Maybe because Rooney Mara is in her 30s and didn’t look/seem like a 20 yo? I think I was even more uncomfortable with the age gap in CMBYN because Armie Hammer is supposed to be playing a 24 yo but he looks much, much older.

  77. Okay, inspired by the favorite pen question… What office supply do you feel best captures your essence?

    • I have a brown plastic pencil sharpener shaped like a dog. You sharpen the pencils via it’s butt.

      Also, though, really fancy legal pads.

    • the classic 80s-hallmark-mug-as-a-pen-holder. never fully realized the truth of this until now and wow.

      wow.

    • I like how British people add nonsense words to “shite” and make it one swear word, like “gobshite,” “wankshite,” etc. I especially love it when they add an additional nonsense word in front of the -shite, like “bollocky wankshite.” No American swearing comes close.

    • I think my *fave* is fuck but definitely the one I use most is “goddammit,” usually under my breath when I drop something or when my cat is misbehaving

    • fuck is my favorite, because it’s a classic, and has a nice crisp feel to it. i also like combining words that don’t necessarily make sense, like douchecanoe. or waverly earp’s shitticket. fuckwaffle.

  81. Ok this one’s for Punky/Valerie Anne: Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with Wonder Woman or Supergirl? Why?

    • omg THAT’S ME! Hi!!

      I have to go with Wonder Woman for this one because you KNOW I love Kara Danvers/Supergirl but bb girl would be USELESS when it comes to fending for ourselves in nature. Can you imagine that beautiful disaster trying to build shelter out of nature? I think Diana would have way more survival skills in this particular situation.

        • I know but that felt too easy; also WW could get us tf off that island if she wanted to!

      • this is a brilliant answer TY

        now i am imagining kara trying to build a shelter and just uprooting trees wholesale, left and right, destroying the island

  82. Personal advice question: I’m 26 and I’ve never been in any sort of relationship and I’m very self conscious about it. I know I’m not the only one and I’m a strong advocate of being happy being single but I’ve been so lonely for years now as I watch all my friends find people who they love and who love them back. I’ve just moved to a new country so am trying this dating thing. I’ve been on a couple of dates with a nice girl but I worry that because I’ve been so independent for so long I’ll be absolutely terrible in a relationship. How do you learn to share your life with someone so intimately? Also, at what point do you tell someone you’ve never been in a relationship or had any sort of experience? P.s. Thank you for all you do, I don’t know what my life would be without this site and community!

    • :nestles in and waits for answers to this question because SAME (except the part about actually succeeding in starting to date):

    • I can tell you from the personal experience of not having a girlfriend until I was 28, it did not hinder my chances at finding #truelove at all and also none of the girls I ever dated acted weird when I told them I was inexperienced in literally every way. I can also tell you from personal experience that girls were waaaaay more interested in talking about all the cool things I did when I didn’t have a girlfriend than they would have been about me talking about all my exes on our first date. And one more thing from personal experience: Two really independent people can make a very healthy relationship.

      You’re living an amazing and interesting life surrounded by amazing and interesting people! You’re living so many cool stories you’re gonna get to share with someone one day while you’re making a story with them!

    • (I’m not staff but) I’m 26 too and didn’t get into a relationship or even go on a single date until 6 months ago (we’re still together!) so I totally understand this particular anxiety. It’s not hopeless! You’re going to be fine. I recommend telling the person you’re dating fairly early on, maybe a few dates in, to get it off your chest. You’ll feel better when you find out it’s a non-issue or that they think it’s charming. Also yes co-sign on everything Heather said.

    • I know that I don’t write for AS but I may or may not be tearing up at my desk right now for feeling validated. This also may or may not be a very similar question that I have tried to submit to A+ multiple times but delete it because I was scared and self-conscious!

      Thank you!

    • Thank you all for the support and reminding me I’m not alone! You are truly wonderful. And thanks for your kind words, Heather – you and Stacey are very much #goals and it’s nice to hear there were never any issues for you :)

    • Don’t sell yourself short before you even give yourself a chance! If you like her, and she likes you, don’t plan for anything to happen, just let it.

      That’s the most difficult thing in the world sometimes. But you have to just….let it happen.

      If you think it’s important to say you’ve never been in a relationship before, that’s fine. But it’s not the most important aspect about you! Be open, be honest, be kind.

  84. Flipping the script and I’m ASKING a question while I go about answering questions: I recently became the proud owner of a succulent and she’s only two weeks old and has already grown noticeably but I got her in a margarita glass and I’m nervous she’s going to outgrow it soon! I’ve never owned a plant and I can’t have pets in my building so a lot more emotional wellbeing than is strictly healthy is going into this plant, who is purple and named Avril Alanis because she’s nestled in black rocks like a punk rock princess. So my questions are:

    A) How do I know when she’s ready for a bigger home?
    B) Do I size her up little by little or just get a big ol’ pot for her next move?

    • Okay, so like… I know what people are SUPPOSED to do to care for succulents, but I am notoriously bad at actually keeping them alive, soooo grain of salt here…

      A) plants like to be “root bound” so a small container might just work for a while. I think when they start looking sad for a while, it’s time? (very technical)
      B) gradually getting larger pots works best! If the container is too big, they freak out.

    • I love the name! little Avril Alanis, I’m rooting for you (get it? Cause you’re a plant? Rooting? Get it?)

    • I am the last person to ever be qualified to give my own advice to you on plants, BUT I will tell you that my mother has always talked to her plants and her gardens are always beautiful. She’s brought many a plant I’ve nearly killed back from the brink. And I am low-key convinced that kind conversation is her secret weapon.

    • Hi! I’m a little late to this one but here goes:

      A) How do I know when she’s ready for a bigger home? Can you see through the glass? If so, if the roots are hitting the bottom and curling around in circles around the edge of the glass, it’s time to upgrade. If you can’t see through, pop the little guy out and see the roots. If they’re not huge (often they’re not in succulents), then it’s fine to keep where it is. When you do repot, untangle the roots, don’t place the root “ball” in as-is.

      B) Do I size her up little by little or just get a big ol’ pot for her next move? Size it up little by little. Succulents are often over-watered, and putting them in a large pot straight away will often end with the soil being too wet, and your roots will rot. Make sure you use succulent potting soil and not regular for that same reason – succulent potting soil is more airy and easier to drain. And I recommend using a pot that has drainage holes in the bottom as well.

  85. I am so impressed (awed, blown away) and delighted by what you do! I’ve just donated a token amount of my gratitude. Bless you all for everything!

  86. KaeLyn,

    How do you find juggling life with little T-Rex? Do you and Waffles feel like you get to spend enough quality time with her and with each other? What are you enjoying most about having a toddler? What’s the hardest part? Do you find there are differences in your experiences parenting in a queer relationship than people you know in hetero relationships?

    (this is more questions than I thought I had, feel free to answer all or some or none!)

    • Hey @ellab! I’m going to take these one by one:

      How do you find juggling life with little T-Rex?
      It’s hard. I’m not going to lie. What I like to say about it is that having a baby helped me better align my work/life balance. The life side just got way more urgent and complex. So I’m busier than ever, but I’ve also been privileged to make a lot of choices that allow me to spend more time with her, like my day job is more of a 9-5 these days instead of working lots of evenings and weekends. I still do have to juggle a lot and it costs in babysitter funds, but the juggling is all worth it when I get to spend quality time with her. Before Remi, it was hard for me to put down my work because there’s always more work than there are hours in my day. But now I want to put it down to spend what time I have with her!

      Do you and Waffles feel like you get to spend enough quality time with her and with each other?
      #1) I want to start calling Waffle “Waffles” because that’s adorable. Yes, we both get to spend a lot of time with her. Waffle watches her in the morning while I’m working my day job. I get up with her in the early morning an also have the late afternoon and/or evening shift. So we’re almost always with her 1-1. Waffle and I don’t get too much time together, though, or all together as a family. Saturday is the one day we both have off, but lately I’ve had some huge projects outside of my day job that are taking up my weekends. It’s a little tough. Then again, Waffle and I have been working alternate shifts for the past 6 years of our relationship, so we’re used to only have late nights and one day/week together. And we go away from her on grown-up overnight vacations fairly regularly–once every few months, so that helps us keep it together as a couple!

      What are you enjoying most about having a toddler? What’s the hardest part?
      Best thing: They’re a goddamn laugh riot. They’re learning so much so fast and it’s amazing to watch and then they just come out with these ridiculous things. For example, Remi’s really into sorting things right now. She met my friend’s dog a few months ago and the only other dog she knew was a different breed that looked totally different. My friend’s dog is a little tan pug. The pug looked similar in color and size to this jumping horse toy she has, so she used her powers of reasoning to decide that the dog is a horse and she exclaimed “Neigh!” at the pug. Now she calls out “Neigh” to all dogs she sees in her books or walking past our house or whatever.

      The hardest part is that the rest of the world really doesn’t get what having a kid is like. I didn’t before I had one. I really didn’t! I don’t think it makes someone less intelligent or less “grown-up” to not know about kid stuff. Not having kids is a valid adult choice that comes with it’s own issues, but I definitely get how it can be frustrating hanging with childfree people now. Like, little stuff just isn’t apparent to them, like that saying, “Just bring your kid!” is the most stressful thing for me as a parent. I know that I won’t enjoy our hang as much because I’ll be perpetually babysitting and that’s the best case scenario if my kid is well-behaved and easy to distract. Some people find it really easy to take their kids everywhere. I’m not one of those people.

      Do you find there are differences in your experiences parenting in a queer relationship than people you know in hetero relationships?
      Yes and no. I find that I can relate better to heterosexual people in casual conversation now, honestly, which is weird and I kind of hate it as much as it usually benefits me. Like, no one gives Waffle shit for the way he looks or dresses or whatever now because they’re way too distracted by the super cute baby. They’re all staring at Remi instead of staring at Waffle. There are definitely things that are super different. I’d say the biggest is how we approach gender. Even though we chose to use pronouns that correspond to Remi’s assigned gender, we are actively trying not to raise her in a stereotypically gendered way. We also aren’t thinking too hard about it. If someone gets us a princess toy, fine, that’s fine. There are a lot of really small things that other parents say and do that are gendered in harmful and, to us, super weird ways and I guess that’s probably been the biggest difference. With a genderfluid dad and a queer mom, it just…doesn’t apply to how we think about gender a lot of the time.

      Thanks for asking! I probably shared more than you wanted. LOL.

      • Thanks for sharing, Kaelyn, and for asking, Ella! I love hearing about people’s experiences with having kids and parenting!

  87. Advice on dealing with parents when trying to desensitize them to the fact you have a girlfriend?

    In all of my 28 years of life I have never told my parents about any relationship I’ve had…..but now that I’m truly madly deeply in love with an amazing woman, a few weeks ago I casually slipped into the conversation that she is actually my girlfriend.

    Since then, they keep referring to her as my “friend” still and it’s bugging me!

    Literal conversation we had on the phone an hour ago, about a photo I sent them yesterday:
    Parents: we liked the photo of you and your friend
    Me: she’s not my friend, she’s my girlfriend
    Parents: friend….girlfriend….same difference really
    Me: not really, there’s at least one major difference…

    • ugh that’s so annoying! but you did the right thing by correcting them! It’s gonna be frustrating and you’re going to be hurt or mad about it but eventually, there’s no excuse for them to use the word friend when you’ve corrected them so many times. I had been with my partner for 5 years when my mom referred to her as my friend and I was truly baffled and I was like Mom, she’s my partner, I’ve been with her for a long ass time now. We’re together, we’re not roommates or friends! I was very stern about it and clearly communicated that I was upset by it and she hasn’t called my partner my friend ever again. I’m pretty sure my mom was in denial that I’m gay and referred to my partner as my friend to her own friends or relatives when talking about me and so she just sort of believed that that’s all she was to me. I think you have to confront your parents and tell them how you feel! It’s not fair they use the word friend in order to make themselves comfortable. They have to step up and acknowledge you and your girlfriend.

  90. Personal advice question: How can I get my GF to do her share of the cooking? She KNOWS she should (she bitches that her dad doesn’t help her mom more in the kitchen and admits to the parallel). But she takes nearly any instance of being asked to or feeling like she should do something for someone else as an infringement on her personal liberty. Not that she doesn’t sometimes do nice things for other people, but it has to feel like it’s entirely her idea. But if there’s an expectation for her to do something, she feels she isn’t being given a choice and must rebel. The furthest we’ve got is her heating something for us *maybe* once a week and occasionally making a cup of tea (but refusing to add the milk, that’s a step to far). It’s especially hard because I come from a family that does anything/everything for each other asked to or not and uses food to show love. I know I can never expect her to go to that extreme, and I’m fine if “cooking” just means heating a frozen meal, but I need her to do her share and feel like I’m in a catch-22. I know some couples balance out chores by the person who doesn’t cook doing more of something else, but that’s not an option either. Advice???

    • oof! Ok, so I used to do ALL of the cooking and I used to be ok with that until I realized I was holding it against my partner because I was doing a lot of emotional and laborious work and I was upset she wasn’t contributing as much as I was. I planned the meals, i bought the groceries and I made all the meals. It was a lot! Until one day I explained to her how I was feeling and explained the process of doing all this work. It wasn’t just preparing meals, it was making sure we had the right ingredients, had gone to the store which takes motherfucking time and energy, and then setting aside time to actually make the food. My partner literally had no idea I was doing all that work! It was literally mind blowing to her. She doesn’t like cooking and that’s why she didn’t do it. She didn’t get joy out of it like I had but my joy had turned into resentment because it became such a chore. Once she realized it was a lot of work, she wanted to help me out and we started dividing up the work. She tells me what she needs from the store and she cooks about 3 times a week and I cook the rest of the week, minus a couple times here and there when we eat out on the weekend. A weight was lifted off my shoulders when that happened! AND my partner realized she liked cooking and wanted to experiment more and she just wanted the freedom of doing whatever she wanted in the kitchen. She started off with simple things but slowly she’s been building some really amazing meals!

      I think you need to have a frank discussion with your girlfriend about how you view cooking (the whole showing love thing) and also why you want her to cook for you, like you said, “I need her to do her share.” Do you feel bad she doesn’t want to do it for you? Are you just tired of doing all the work? Then I think you have to ask yourself, realistically, what does “her share” look like for you and your girlfriend? You said so yourself you don’t expect her to go to the extreme of making you a 5 star meal from scratch but what is it that would make the situation better? I suspect you’ve been having these conversations as it happens so it’s more like a nagging or fight situation than a real conversation so your girlfriend feels defensive and isn’t receptive to doing what she’s told to do, you know? I think you have to have a convo during a time when you’ve both been fed, dinnertime isn’t pressing and you’re just like chilling on the couch and be like this is really important to me and then explain things!

    • this is probably not what you want to hear but if you’ve already tried Yvonne’s excellent advice and your girlfriend still hasn’t stepped up, it might be helpful to just rethink how you do meals, and take care of yourself for yourself rather than cooking for both of you. i wouldn’t recommend doing this passive-aggressively in silence, but telling her non-critically ‘hey, you know i’ve been frustrated with the balance of labor in how we do meals because i’ve brought it up before but nothing has changed, so from now on i’m going to cook meals for myself to relieve both of us of the pressure and frustration of me wanting you to help and you not wanting to.” your girlfriend can be in charge of whether she wants to eat a pb&j sandwich or frozen pizza or whatever for dinner and gets to be free of the “infringement on her personal liberty.” it’s frustrating but in my experience with past partners who didn’t want to share household labor, it ended up being more functional in a lot of cases to clearly delineate that i would only be responsible for my stuff; it didn’t get rid of all resentment but it did decrease it. it’s possible your girlfriend will freak out upon not having meals prepared for her and will be willing to reconsider (not saying that’s the point, this isn’t a manipulative tactic); it’s also possible she’ll be like ‘great!’ and will be v chill with it. or maybe this sounds terrible to you! either way you deserve a frozen pizza today at the very least.

    • I hope I’m not the only one to answer this question bc my answer isn’t happy?

      But first: when you say she knows she should do it, do you mean you’ve specifically had a conversation about how it makes you feel?

      If not, do that.

      If yes, and she still refuses to do it and/or makes a stink about it and/or doesn’t offer to compromise in some way…

      I’d break up with her ?

      • My wife and I are going throgh this. We’ve been together for 6 years and the past yea started having foster kids. I have always done most of the household stuff,but now with having kids there is more on my plate and I want help. My wife is trying, but it is tricky. She feels like I keep asking more and more of her without sufficiently appreciating what she is doing. I still do basically all of the responsibilities for the kids, but I am the one who wants to be a parent. She likes the idea of having kids, but the responsibilities not so much. She is poly (and her other is trying to help enforce her helping around the house), maybe I need a girlfriend.

    • I was so pleased that she was included in the newsletter this week. Very happy with my subscription.

    • Carol is THRIVING. She has several outfits and looks adorable in all of them. She rarely barks or makes any noise at all, she walks up and down the stairs now, she is fully house-trained, she crawls into her crate at night, and is surrounded by lesbians at all times.

      The only struggle is that she gets very yippy towards other dogs! This is relevant for when I am taking her on a walk and we pass other dogs being walked. Especially if they are bigger than her, she just loses her shit. This makes me nervous to take her out in public crowded spaces too much (which is totally normal in LA, I guess, everybody just takes their dogs with them everywhere). If the dog is small, sometimes she will have a nice pleasant interaction with them, but not always.

      • I’m so glad to hear lil Carol is thriving. If you want a Yorkie to come hang out with her invite me ‘round

      • I spent about two hours reading this thread (couldn’t participate yesterday) and was hoping for a pupdate! Thanks; all pics of her are a delight.

  93. So: I am signed up to go to A-camp (first time!) and while I am looking forward to it I kinda start to physically feel ill if I think about going too much. Any helpful advice for getting over this? It’s going to be fine right?

    • Andy! Speaking as a camper, and a person who has lots of social anxiety, it is so going to be fine! Fine and also amazing!

      One thing I repeat a lot to myself in new, stress-inducing social situations is, “fish are friends, not food!” from Finding Nemo. Everyone at camp is your friend! People are at camp to be immersed in community, and you’re part of that community!

      My biggest fear before going to my first camp was that I wouldn’t feel like I belonged. But the people in my cabin accepted me wholeheartedly, and every single one of them was different. Some were married to men, some had kids, some were trans, some were cis, some were younger, some were older, some looked ‘gayer’ than others – and I belonged!

      I do have to build introvert time into camp, and time to make one-on-one connections – I take a lot of walks, sit on docks, do alternate things during meal times sometimes. (It helps to have brought enough snacks that that’s possible).

      I’m so excited you’re coming to cammmmmp! <3

    • I second a lot of what queer girl said! I’ve been to 3 camps now and this year will be my 4th. I remember being very scared/anxious for my first camp. But I also made myself not think about it much and just go into it. I thankfully had the fact that I was starting college at about the same time as a distraction (camp was literally during my second week of college). So I would suggest finding something that gets it off your mind during this time before camp.
      This has also helped for the other camps I went to. I hyperfocused on my second camp, in a lot of ways and for a lot of complex emotional reason, and it was kind of a disaster for me emotionally. So returning for my 3rd I put it out of mind again and it was sooo much better! And I’m doing that again this year. No expectations leaves room for discovery, self discovery and external discovery.

    • Andy, it’s my first time too! From different first time experiences, I second the trying not to have expectations part. I know I’m a bit anxious myself but if it helps you’ve got at least one person on the team who is also slightly freaking out with you. We’re gonna have a great time though!

  94. Still get really lost on how to post pics in the comments. So hope this works!

    Happy birthday, AS. Here’s a special AS B-day cake. Ignore the “Happy birthday, Lauren!” This cake was made special because when my girlfriend and friends were thinking “What does Lauren really love?” their conclusion was AS! My friend baked it himself at the bakery where he works. It was devils food cake covered in a mocha cream. I legit wish I could share it with you today!

    I found your site almost three years ago when I was spending a lot of my time during my desk job researching “lesbian things”. These three years have been amazing and this site has been a huge light. Not only is it a fun way to keep up to date on my lesbian pop culture, but the engaging dialogue in the articles/comments has challenged my views and made me a better person. I look back at things I’ve said and done and been like “Yep. I was dead wrong.” And that is the goal right, to grow? (I’ll use this as the ‘question’ part of this comment)

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  95. A couple more light questions:
    What’s your favorite kind of soda?
    What’s your favorite kind of bagel?

    • i don’t usually drink soda aka Coke but my favorite is probably Dr. Pepper, it’s a treat when I drink it

      and an everything bagel! everyone can fight me on this, i know i don’t know better because i live in the south but the everything bagel from Starbucks is like super good???

      • why would anyone fight you on that, everything bagel is objectively the best bagel, i will hear no other opinions

        • everyone can fight me on the fact that i think the best everything bagel i’ve had so far is from starbucks lol i’m sorry rachel i have failed you

          • but Yvonne have you ever been to New York? Everything bagels are my favorite to have egg and cheese sandwiches on but…the round dough things at Starbucks aren’t bagels!

    • Bundaberg Ginger Beer isn’t really a soda per se (it’s not carbonated) but it’s my favourite soft drink.

      I like an everything bagel with salmon!

    • i don’t do soda really but i do like a ginger ale once every now and again, and every once in a blue moon a cream soda.

      everything bagel with tofu scallion cream cheese or bust.

    • i used to love love love diet coke but i quit it for 2018 because i loved it too much :(

      i love new york cinnamon raisin bagels with strawberry cream cheese

    • I don’t really do soda besides LaCroix bc sugary things aren’t my vice.

      But garlic IS my vice, so garlic bagels all the way– vampires beware.

    • Coke! I used to drink Coke every day but it made me feel terrible every day
      so now I really only have it at restaurants or at the movies

      I honestly like plain bagels? Or sesame. Toasted with cream cheese.

  96. But has the 10th anniversary of autostraddle been discussed yet? I’d love to go to an IRL straddlers anniversary party. Maybe a special mini-A camp? There are so many possibilities.

    • I feel like that would be a GREAT International Meetup Week opportunity! Everyone can host their own version of an AS Birthday Party in their town. And everyone gets a slice of birthday cake!

      • THANK YOU FOR PLANNING THIS FOR ME JAY, LOOKING FORWARD TO CELEBRATING AT THE PORTLAND PARTY MEETUP WITH YOU THIS TIME NEXT YEAR ;)

        • YES!!! Very excited! I volunteer to make a cake for Portland’s meetup! Specifically I volunteer to make the gluten-FULL and dairy option of cake, cause I’m pretty sure other people can cover the vegan and GF options better than me!

    • Tricia, yes! Let’s do it! Bring your dog!

      Those pony rides better be ethical, Stef. What kind of vegan are you? Unless you mean ponybois in which case, great, yes.

  97. Do you have suggestions for mother’s day for an almost-Penelope-from-One-Day-at-a-Time mom? Like “I know the gay thing is still weird for you and Catholicism makes things uncomfortable sometimes but I see you putting in work to learn and to try to understand and I appreciate it and also you”?

    • I was going to say, time together (ie/ brunch or a movie), but if you are not near by geographically, I definitely agree with the idea of a letter!

      Moms like letters.

  98. Scenario: you’re at karaoke. Maybe you’ve had a couple drinks, maybe you’re just feeling really confident (cause duh, you’re amazing).

    You want to sing a song that’s completely out of your range/ability.
    What song do you get out there and belt?

    (PS, your enthusiasm while performing has the crowd cheering for an encore.)

  100. Hi! 2018 is a bondfire.

    Soooo I started dating someone! And I told my parents… and then my mom finally decided asexuality was a thing and was like “I don’t…know what you mean…dating…what is this?” (I asked her if one had to aiming for a fuck to be romantic and that went over well)

    Which is a side thing but it does tie into…

    I’m adopted (closed). This week my bio dad found me via GED and emailed (what a thing to see upon a middle of the night pee run). I haven’t told many people but my girl and a few close friends. He’s being SUPER respectful about giving me time and letting me process but I’m just like … where do I even begin and while its no where near any possibility I can’t help but look up at “well, mom, did you aim to fuck every time you made dad some cookies (don’t tell me if you were please)” and go *I was not expecting to possibly have another set of quasi parents to come out to* (should have been obvious, I suppose).

    So what this ramble is spiraling towards: do you have any advice or happen to know of any experience of queer people with their surprise bio parents?

    (On the plus, I sold two queer magical school age stories this year, too, as a silver lining to my mild panic word vomit)

  101. Question #5: In a matriarchal society, what form (if any) would a gambling industry take?

    • A betting pool of how many Amazons will be KO’d by Diana in a given week & a second betting pool of how many of those KO’d thank her for the experience while she tells them how much they improved from last time.

    • do you remember the episode of punky brewster when they’re playing cards and using cookies as currency, and i think brandon ended up winning everything? it would be exactly like that.

  102. Oh yeah here’s one HEATHER WILL YOU PLEASE SHARE MORE OF YOUR NASCENT QUEER WRITING LIKE THOSE AMAZING SCENES YOU WROTE BEFORE YOU KNEW WHAT LESBIAN SEX WAS those were really just THE BEST and the kind of joy we need in the world

  103. Question #6: When frequent / prolific commenters suddenly go quiet, do you ever worry they have died?

    • i do worry that they’ve died; people going straight sounds like a myth though. like i’d believe they became scientologists first.

    • I once took a year-long break from prolific Autostraddle commenting because they published a piece about me trying to bring my then-girlfriend to Malaysia and then that relationship IMPLODED and I felt so ashamed of myself that I couldn’t bear returning!! Obviously it can’t have been totally terrible because I work for them now, but that was quite the year.

  104. A question just for Riese, really: aside from the location, what about this next camp will be different from previous camps that you wouldn’t mind sharing?

    • at all other camps we ate bitter herbs
      but at this camp we will eat unleavened bread
      or something idk

    • ooo i think quite a few things, but what can i share… that’s tough! because also things can change between now and then so i don’t wanna say we’re doing a thing and then not do it and ’cause we do keep things under wraps intentionally for a while and we’ve not even gotten to the stage of telling staff what activities they’re leading.

      a primary thing is that this will be a very large group and we wanted to keep prices low (next year i think we’re gonna look more into “sponsors” to see if we can pad the budget that way), so we aren’t changing *too* many things because that challenge (bigger group, smaller budget) is enough to keep us very much on our toes. but that also means we are having way more things, in general. more designated spaces for certain activities/groups, more activities, more guest instructors, more options in the evening, more stuff for sober folks, more qpoc-centric activities, etc.

      i feel like this answer is not sufficient in any way but i don’t know that there’s too much i can say just yet!

  105. Happy Birthday! Thank you to all of the people who make this site what it is. ❤️

    I’m a 40 year old trans woman who hasn’t transitioned yet. I am so tired of regretting not transitioning years ago and I finally want to be happy. I am out to my family and I have their support.

    I don’t exactly know what my question is. I just wonder how do you deal with work? I know the people at work aren’t trans friendly. I do overnight cleaning so it’s not like I can’t just quit and get another job.

    I don’t know. I wish I had enough money to quit working for a couple years so I could transition and return to work when I’m finally legally Brandi.

    Do I just wait until people at work ask questions? I’m not good at standing out. I’m afraid to get my ears pierced now because of questions people would ask.

    I’m sorry. Happy Birthday! Take care.

    • I feel you so hard babe. I transitioned as a public high school teacher. Mr. one year, mx. The next, and ms. The third. That was awkward. But way less than I thought it’d be! Especially when ppl know you already and know you’re cool, they take the transition news better. They can’t dismiss all trans people as weirdo freaks cuz they know you and you’re normal (enough).

      I think you can take it slow! I’ve been transitioning for five years now. Just got surgery last year. I’m still not “done” (is something like this ever “done?”)

      A lot of people (myself included) wore the clothes we like on weekends only at first, in supportive community, and work out our shit while we grow out our hair and whatever.

      Every situation is different, and I know the impulse to want to just jump out and say “IM TRANS MY NAME IS BRANDI OK” but it’s ok to take your time! You know who you are. Your safety and job security and etc is more important than everyone else knowing too, at least right away!

      Wish I had better advice, but I want u to know I see you, girl! Good luck!

      • I’m impressed, Abeni, that you were able to transition on the job as a high school teacher! My wife had transitioned before we got together so when she moved to my town she has always presented as a woman not been out as trans*. One of her friends in college had thought about teaching high school but after deciding to transition, decided not to teach in the public schools in the midwest where we live. Instead she works in computer software.

        Also good luck, Brandi, and best wishes!

  106. Question #7: I have been on the lookout for a leather jacket for sometime. And by “on the lookout” I mean complaining about not having one without putting any effort into finding one because I hate shopping.

    So, any suggestions? I’d say on the Jake Peralta to Rosa Diaz leather jacket spectrum, I’m probably centre-Jake, but that’s mainly because ladies’ cut jackets tend to be weirdly short, which often does not look good when you are a short person.

    • I have Jake Peralta’s exact jacket except that his is the dark brown version. It’s the faux leather moto jacket from Charles & 1/2. Unhelpfully, I don’t think it’s being sold anymore. In my experience it’s been hard to find a nice unisex leather jacket that isn’t like, $900, but I’ve only really looked online.

      I have Carly to thank for this because she and Marni had a fashion tumblr at one point and that’s how I ended up buying this jacket, real talk. Hannah Hart also had a great leather jacket she was a wearing for a while and I asked her where she’d bought it and – go figure – she got it from the clearance rack at Guess.

  107. Mey (and anyone else who listens to MFM/knows what this means), are you a Karen or a Georgia?

  108. Question #8: Riese, I loved the Business of Art Fix, esp the Businesswoman’s Special part!

    I understand it’s hard putting together these things at a high frequency, and maybe the audience for that post wasn’t super large, however, the audience included me, and I value my opinion very highly.

    So, the question: is there any chance that the Business of Art post could come back in a cut-down or changed-up form?

    • I’m also a fan of that section so I would love to know the answer to that too!

    • sally as you know i value your opinion VERY highly as well so!
      it was hard to pull together b/c it just took a long time, but i also started to feel more *meh* towards it because most of the stuff i read for it bummed me out! it was a lot of like, “wow, this site got a bunch of money and is doing great things with it” or “this social media or google algorithm change will ruin our lives” or “damn, this site is laying off a bunch of people because that’s a normal thing for companies to do when they grow is hire people they’re not sure they can continue to employ, except we never do that.” i also started to feel like maybe i was getting annoying b/c i feel like it always came back to me being like PLEASE GIVE US $$ AND JOIN A+ EVERYBODY, THIS IS WHY.

      i think if i were to bring it back it would probably have to be monthly rather than biweekly, and also i’d maybe not have the thing at the top where i pick one story to talk about at length. that’s the part that always took an extra, extra long time.

      oddly, the part i did the quickest was, hands down, the businesswoman’s special.

  109. This is for any vegetarians and vegans on staff: do you have any awesome cookbook recommendations? I’m a fairly experienced home cook and I’m on the lookout for lots of new weeknight meal ideas.

    Thanks and much love to the AS crew for all that you do! ❤️

    • anna! i started cooking more this year and realized i don’t really like cooking meat. what’s your favorite thing to make for a weekday dinner? (if you don’t mind me asking YOU a question lol)

      • Ooh, good question! I think it’s currently the Cast Iron Stir Fry from Isa Chandra’s “Isa Does It” cookbook. It takes a bit more prep work than most of my weeknight recipes but it’s so good and so healthy!

        For something less involved, the Roasted Cauliflower Soba Noodle Bowl from that cookbook is superb and pretty easy.

        If you’re into cheese, I have a great recipe for baked Mac & Cheese I can give you. I’m a living Wisconsin stereotype, I tell ya ?

    • anything by isa chandra moskowitz or chloe coscaretlli is a bible, honestly
      says someone who has not been making anything new or utilizing any of her cookbooks for years :(

      • Awesome, thank you! I have “Isa Does It” and it’s one of my favorites. I honestly should check out her other books.

        I haven’t seen anything by Chloe Coscarrtlli before, so I’m looking forward to trying her recipes too!

    • Moosewood Cookbook by Mollie Katzen was my vegetarian bible for years and I still use it all the time even though I’m not veggie anymore!

  110. I’ve been watching Jessica Jones for the last two days so I haven’t really got a question other than will a review be coming up for it?

    Thanks for the site!

  111. Valerie Anne Starshine, where should I take you on our first date? ??

    And because I know you won’t answer that, my real question is: FMF (the second F is for friend zone)
    Alex Danvers, Sara Lance, Lena Luthor

    P.S Happy Birthday, Autostraddle!! Eternally grateful for your existence! ?

    • How dare you try to make me choose between getting down and dirty with Sara Lance or Lena Luthor?

      HOW DARE??

      (Obviously I’m marrying Alex Danvers.)

  112. So when I got the email saying that my A+ subscription was renewing I thought about canceling it because I hadn’t been reading it for a while but when I went to my account to cancel it I read the description about why Autostraddle needs supporters and I thought, “well…this was SO important to me when I was closeted and overwhelmed ” and then I clicked through to the home page and thought, “OMG. Why am I not reading this all the time? It is happiness and life and cute ladies and puppies and things I read that I loved (which is my favorite because I also love malls and figure skating and investigate reporting).” So instead of canceling my subscription I ended up going up a level. I don’t have a question. Just props.

  113. Question #9: As A+ members we are all invested in the future of this site! What things are most important for us to be doing to keep you going?

  114. Happy Birthday Autostraddle!!!

    My question/need for advice: I need to write 5-10 pages for a gender class I’m taking this semester and I really struggle to find a topic, partially because I’m usually only writing lab reports and have no clue how these kind of homeworks work. I unfortunately missed a presentation on “heteronormativity as a psychological burden/stressor” (sorry, english is not my first language, the title was in german as well) which I found really interesting and thought I might find some studies about? Does anyone think that would work?

    Also, since I get the impression a lot of you are in therapy as well: is there anyone here who also really struggles to talk… at all? Like session-intro smalltalk works ok and then once I get a “proper” question I just completely shut down? Any advice/solidarity?

    Thanks so much for all you do, this really has become one of my most frequently visited pages on the internet and I’ve learned so much and read so many inspirational posts since I found it <3

    • I think that sounds like a lovely paper topic!

      And I also shut down HARD at the first therapy question, almost every session. Something that has helped me is taking my own notes ahead of time (stuff I’ve been thinking about, any successes or setbacks I’ve had, thing *I* want to talk about to my therapist) and then come to session with those notes. That way, when the therapist starts the conversation, I have something to reference and help me through that “blank screen AAAHHH” brain freeze that happens.

      Hope that maybe helps!

  115. What is a good way to come out to children? My goddaughter and nephew (7 & 10) respectively, are coming to visit soon and I want to be able to talk to them about myself in a way they’ll understand. I’m not sure what their understanding of sex ed is yet (which I will ask their mom about) but their dad has some unfavorable opinions and I want them to not grow up with a one-sided and wrong opinion about gay people and them having a gay person in their lives will help them with that, it’s just not something that comes up in normal conversation with kids.

    • Hi! I came out to my younger siblings when they were about 9 and 11 I think, and it was less about sex ed and more about who they expected me to marry when i was older. I think my brother made a comment about me having a boyfriend and i just mentioned that actually i wasnt ever planning on having a boyfriend, but a girlfriend instead. All the more complicated identity related questions can come when theyre older, but i think thats all kids really need to know. Ever since i came out to them, its never been something we dont talk about, so i answered questions as they grew and asked them.

      • i agree with gilbert! i remember once years before i came out, i was playing Life with the kids I baby-sat a lot, and the time came for me to get a spouse and the six year old said “do you want pink or blue? girls can marry girls, ya know”

        IT WAS SO SIMPLE AND LOVELY

    • Yeah I agree with everyone else. When they’re that young, you can make it super simple. This weekend I had family over and my (female) cousin’s girlfriend came over to pick her up. Her niece, 5, watched them leave and turned to me and said, “They have a dog you know.” She is entirely unfazed by the fact that some girls have girlfriends.

      Generalizing the rest of the advice because I don’t think you’re the only one who worries about these things (I sure used to!)

      Don’t sit kids down to have A Talk with them about being queer; bring it up casually when they do – like Gilbert’s example – that way it’s not perceived as a big deal, yaknow? Ask for the color piece you want in Life like Queer Girl said. If you’re playing make-believe, make having a partner of your choosing be part of that. If you’re watching a Disney movie, say something like “I hope I marry a [girl/boy/girl or boy/partner/etc etc etc] as [smart/funny/brave] as [character] one day!”

      Sometimes these will open things up to conversation – THEN you can have it, in the interest of answering their questions/following natural conversation. But even if they have no follow up, just hearing you say things like that is exposing them to more than what they’re likely being exposed to regularly. They’ll absorb it, I promise. The more “normalized” (ugh) you make it, the less they’ll see it as a weird thing, the more likely they’ll be to just accept it as part of life (unless they’re taught otherwise by their parents) and will be more likely to tell their peers to chill out later in life.

      Hope that makes sense!

      • Our 6 year old foster daughter came with some conservative view points. When learning I have a wife she said, “Girls can’t marry girls.” I replied that in some places they can’t but here they can. She said, “That’s weird.” I answered that it’s okay to be weird. We’re all weird in our own little ways.

        Her first grade teacher was just telling me that now (after living with us for 3 months) proudly tells other kids she has two moms, and another “real mom” too. So yeah, I think it’s more about who one can marry or live with and not so much about sex.

  116. What are you desert island discs? Its meant to be the 8 songs you would take if you were to be stranded on a desert island forever, but for time, let’s say which one song.

    • I did all 8 because I had the time!

      (In no particular order)

      1. “Freedom”- Beyonce
      2. “Queen of the Night”- Whitney Houston
      3. “Yoga”- Janelle Monae
      4. “Satisfied”- Hamilton Cast Soundtrack
      5. “Preciosa”- Marc Anthony
      6. “Wind Beneath My Wings” -Bette Midler (it’s a family song)
      7. “Killing Me Softly”- Lauryn Hill
      8. “B*tch Better Have My Money” -Rihanna

      • Carmen what a list!! Also i bow to your decisiveness. Ive thought of this question for years and never got a list of 8 exactly.

      • Just here to say I have not yet managed to listen to Freedom without bawling. Every single time.

        B*tch better have my money is a hard fave too! But on a different emotional register :)

  117. Also, if you had to have another fully functioning face somewhere else on your body, where woyld you want it?

    I’d want left hand because I could look round corners or over walls, and also I cant get over the idea that i could put my hand in a cereal box and eat cereal at the same time.

    But tell me what you think.

    • one could carry a dental mirror with them.. which I have considered for real and/or in tattoo form but haven’t brought myself to do either yet

  118. A lot of people have already said it, but I would also like to voice my gratitude for everything that you do here at Autostraddle.

    This is a truly wonderful community space and I find such joy in reading what you share with us.

    From every part of my heart, thank you! ☺️

  119. Okay. I’m a (38 yo) baby lesbian who is ready to have sex with…women! Talk to me about periods…if I start taking the pill to stop my period, does that alter the way my vagina will smell/taste/etc? Thanks for your very much needed solicited advice ;) ?❤️

    • I feel like there are so many factors that go into how your vagina tastes or smells like that the Pill would just be one factor, if it was a factor at all. I’m on Implanon right now and I’m still getting bleeding (not as much and not quite as regularly), and granted I haven’t had a lover in over a year so there’s no particular way to compare, but it wasn’t a known effect!

    • i don’t think it has any impact at all? i skipped my period while on the pill for ~2 years or so in another lifetime and this never occurred to me but also i don’t see why it would impact anything.

  121. i’m late to the birthday party but I just want to say I’m so happy Autostraddle exists and thank you for all the work you do

  122. The birthday is not quite over here on the West Coast, Best Coast. I just joined A+ today, so I’ll ask about one of my favorite things.

    Who is your OTP and/or what is one fanfic that just scratched an itch you didn’t even know you had?

    • One of the things that pinged my teenage self about not being as straight as I thought I was was this one Hermione/Pansy fic that had an interesting way of describing how Hermione’s skirt bounced on her legs.

    • OTP that scratched itch I didn’t even know I had? Hmmm. Here’s a list:

      1. Quinn and Santana, Glee (changed my world upside down)

      2. Veronica’s Mom and Betty’s Mom, Riverdale (my new favorite “only gonna happen in my imagination” longshot couple)

      3. Supergirl and Cat Grant, Supergirl

      • I live for age-gaps and middle aged and older ships. There is apparently a lot of momentum in the Grace & Frankie fandom that I want to get into.

    • I can’t pick an OTP because I have like two for every show I watch and apparently that’s not how OTPs work but I will say that one time I stumbled across JJ/Emily fanfic for Criminal Minds and I a) had never even considered how perfect that was b) had never even thought to ship people on that show because it’s not really a typical ~fandom show c) never knew, until that moment, that there’s fanfic for E V E R Y T H I N G. Changed my whole life and now I’m Team Jemily forever.

    • @glassesofjustice Well, first, thanks for joining A+…we appreciate the support…

      To your question, I’ll go with Alex Cabot and Olivia Benson on SVU. Upon hearing that Stephanie March was coming back to the show, I sent the following tweets:

      Seriously, though, if Olivia and Alex don’t end up making out after this, what is even the point? #SVU

      Listen, I don’t like ‘shipping ostensibly straight characters with each other…especially when it distracts from highlighting the work of writers creating LGBT characters with meaningful relationships…BUT…Alex and Olivia are my exception.

      You cannot tell me that Olivia Benson hasn’t loved Alex Cabot since the day she walked into #SVU. I refuse to believe anything else. ABSOLUTELY REFUSE.

      • Yes, these two have my heart forever. I stopped watching SVU like 5 seasons ago, but the wife and I will definitely be tuning in for Alex’s return. I’m not holding my breath on a kiss though.

  123. I’m too late to the party now but Happy Birthday Autostraddle and definitely tons of thanks for the things that you do and the inclusiveness that you engender. You’re a one website wonder.

  124. Guys. I really could’ve used some advice yesterday before agreeing to drinks with a not-so-straight-after-all coworker. But it was fun reading through these.

Comments are closed.