It Appears That Straight Women Are Not Okay

I recently asked the internet if straight women were okay. Their wellbeing has always been a concern of mine given the options afforded to them, but it became genuine worry after a cursory targeted product search. There were inflatable husbands that were preferable to real ones, sex checks that were supposed to maintain balance in the bedroom, books that were dedicated to husbands actually having to unlearn how to not be an asshole, and coffee mugs that deferred to the spacial requirements of a man. The situation seemed dire, but one I wasn’t ready to call without word from the source.

Well, it seems we made contact. Straight women got our message, and they’ve answered with a resounding “absolutely the hell not” via their most prized medium of self expression: Pinterest.

Sounds like a stretch, I know. But take a peak at these unprompted autofill screenshots that came to me hot off the tip line from commenter Sally – who claims to have been doing “research” on the popular DIY site, which is a likely story for another time I’m sure – and tell me that these are not unique cries for help.

 

1. Hair/Makeup/Nails

Let’s just get this out of the way: there is nothing inherently wrong about liking makeup, hair, or nail designs. Show me a smokey eye tutorial on my deathbed and I’ll be intrigued. But typing “makeup hair nails makeup hair nails makeup hair nails makeup hair nails makeup hair nails makeup hair nails” over and over puts out a vibe that you’re smiling vacantly at a screen with unblinking eyes and it’s like, oop, yep, got it, SOS received.

2. Relationship goals

This is one of two things. One, it’s seeking validation for current relationship goals, or two, it’s searching for actual relationship goals. Either way, this is a life unlived. We hear you.

3. Grey living room

Ouch. An outlier that speaks volumes. Noted.

4. Tumblr funny

This is some wake me up (wake me up inside) ((I can’t wake up) (((save me))))/send in the clowns signaling. Give me that “anything is better than this” content, am I right, ladies? Loud and clear.

5. Bucket list

It’s not always easy to know what you want in life. There’s no denying that. But looking up things the universal you should want to do before you die is BLEAK. There’s this thing that kitchen staff say as a shorthand way to say, “I’m acknowledging I heard what you just said,” without getting into a whole thing about it, which is “heard that order,” and… heard that order.

6. Small tattoos

I don’t know why this one has rocked me as hard as it has, but damn, let straight women get regular sized tattoos. As to why they’d think they need to specify that it be small, COPY THAT.

7. Fairy garden

This one seems like it might be about whimsy but trust me when I say this is disassociation at its finest. Clocked.

I’m not sure where we go from here. Do we put up flyers? Wear a special pin? Maybe when you see them at a Pride event this month crowding the very bar you’re trying get a drink from, make sure to remind them that we are their allies in this fight and then wait for instruction.

Until then, RT to save a life.

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Erin

Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.

100 Comments

    • I’m not sure, but I think it’s one of those fairground places where there’s all those concave mirrors and they give a glimpse of what you look like in the alternate universe where you are an hourglass-shaped beanpole.

    • maybe that’s the feeling that you’ve seen all these pinterest pages before? it’s straight people wondering if other people also feel the narrowness surrounding them?

    • The other replies are much funnier, but slimming world is the UK equivalent to weight watchers.

      • Colleen, you are my kinda person. I was reading like ‘oh this is a fun thread’ but I had an overwhelming need to make sure everyone understood what was happening behind the joke. The uncertainty was unsettling. You settled me, thank you.

        • Also “slimming world” is just a totally insane name for a product that people actually buy, so I just want people to know how crazy the world is

    • Like yes and no? I know so many people (primarily women) who have been told that their tattoos (which are generally small, easily hid tattoos) make them Totally Unemployable by various family members, HS teachers, even goddamn career counselors. My cousin has these FANTASTIC glittery glasses that, combined with her small wrist tattoo, will surely mean no HR department will ever hire her because she is Unkempt and Unprofessional by the career center at her college.

      Queer women know they’re not employable by those godawful standards because they’re unprofessional by existing-as-queer, so fuck it, might as well get the fucking big tattoo of their dreams, it’s not gonna change anything there.

  5. “There’s too many gays on tumblr, but gosh darn it, they’re funny! I’ll look up their jokes on pinterest.”

    • that is /almost/ as straight as sharing “she may be be crazy but she’s my sister!nobody can get between us!” graphics with misunderstood f/f ship fanart on facebook…

  6. Bless you for publicising this grave issue. It’s hard to believe, but I actually know real life straight women, so this really hits home to me – my own sister spent approx 6 months and 23 paint tester pots trying to find the perfect shade of grey to decorate her bedroom.

    I’m not sure what the best way is to proceed – my instincts say charity single – I just really want everyone to stay safe out there today.

    • I was trying to think of a suitable charity single and all I could come up with was “It’s Raining Men” which I feel somewhat defeats the purpose XD

      • I was thinking an original composition, but if we’re looking at covers, I’d suggest:
        – Straight Up by Paula Abdul
        – Two Grey Rooms by Joni Mitchell
        – anything by Nine Inch Nails.

  8. Ok, so, I apparently have a lot of similar interests to crying-for-help straight women! I have a Pinterest that I use unironically for home decor dreaming, and I even get Better Homes and Gardens delivered to me in the mail. That’s like, my mom’s generation Pinterest right there. I like to read it in my extremely messy apartment, similar to researching beach vacations in the dead of winter? But fuck grey living rooms, seriously.

  9. hallway ideas tho

    like she was sleeplessly pacing again and it occurred to her

    i should really do something with this hallway

  10. The Sally-Erin subtle frenemy digs are quickly becoming one of my favourite AS sideshows.

  12. wake me up (wake me up inside) ((I can’t wake up) (((save me)))) Made me snort

  13. But to have “slimming world” and “unicorn cake” bookending your list? There’s some disturbance in the force there. Is this a woman close to breaking free from her straight existence using unicorn cake as a lever? Or fighting the queer with “slimming world”?

    • From what I remember from that show true blood you wouldn’t want to hang out with fairies

    • Is this a subtle Wayne’s World reference or is it just me that read in Wayne Campbell’s voice?

      • Party time! Excellent! That wasn’t intentional, but now I can’t unhear it, lol.

  15. But have you signed up for a Pinterest account lately?!??

    I did one last year-ish because a friend kept sending me links to look at and you can’t see anything from the site without being logged in. The built-in heteronormativity just in the account creation process floored me. You MUST identify as either male or female and after choosing you are given a long list of interests that is used to populate your home page/feed-thingy with. I identified myself as male and it was a fascinating education in exactly what the cultural expectations of men are these days. Like, what men are being told they should achieve for ideal manhood. I cringe imagining what the women’s options are…

  16. Maybe this is weird but like making a 100-item bucket list was The Required Summer Homework for incoming HS seniors at my high school (except AP English people, who got to read a classic novel and write blog posts and shit which at the time seemed horrible but tbh now feels like the winning end of that one), and the like first in-class thing was to make your own gravestone with epitah and shit. But then again my HS was like a culture* of Straight Culture, so maybe the emphasis on bucket lists does make sense as a Straight Culture.

    *like, bacterial culture trying to grow colonies so you can just get clones and clones and clones

    • That is simultaneously terrifying and yet a perfect representation of how it feels to go into your senior year of high school.

    • Buddy… what kind of death cult high school did you attend where all ur summer homework was morbid as hell…

      • Public high school in the US

        So not a death cult but since it’s literally just public school I feel like that makes this worse and more creepy

    • My papers those two years were covered in big fat F’s. I wasn’t going to make up some bullshit list of things I didn’t really didn’t want to do. So that’s when it hit me, and instead I did just that — wrote a list of 100 things I DIDN’T want my life to turn out like. Still, to this day, have not worn a tie. That means I’m winning at life?

  17. “Show me a smokey eye tutorial on my deathbed and I’ll be intrigued.”

    This is me

  18. anyone else confused about ariana grande pinterest posts? would it be like a mural of ariana grande on a shiplap wall, or…?

    • I think it’s Ariana Grande Catholic saint candles made from mason jars and arranged on burlap in front of a shiplap shrine.

  19. I once looked up ideas on Pintrest for “reading nook under the stairs”. What does that say about meeeee?

  20. I am a gay lady about to type grey living room into pinterest WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME?

    • ME TOO. I was really confused. After some reflection I have realized that my out-of-the-blue interest about whether a blanket-i-will-buy-to-be-used-as-rug should be yellow, beige, cream, or gray (hence wondering what gray looks like in living rooms) is about: I don’t really have time for this, but it’s low stakes (like my rug/blanket color doesn’t actually matter) and it’s in my control. Much of the rest of my life feels high stakes. Some of it is partly in my control but mostly it is out of my control. So googling about blankets (i mean errr rug) is a very safe place for my brain to go and hang out.

  21. My village has fewer than 500 people in it, but we have a store devoted to fairy gardens. I used to think that this was just a weird straight lady with a sad business plan, but now I realize it’s a cry for help. Should I try to liberate her and/or the fairies this weekend?

  23. I have a pinterest, but it consists almost entirely of men’s fashion, cocktail recipes, and Cara Delevigne. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN.

  26. This is definitely a cry for help. I submit my case for evidence.

    My Pinterest feed BEFORE coming out: nail art, cake/cupcake designs, organic home made baby food/kid-friendly arts and crafts/healthy pregnancy (like…what??? I dont have kids!!)

    My Pinterest feed AFTER coming out: alternative lifestyle haircuts, androgynous looks, cute girls wearing boy t shirts, nail art for “short nails”, gay memes, and an obscene amount of ideas and recipes for avocados

  27. I fondly remember those first few months when Pinterest was new and the straight white women hadn’t found it yet. I was still in the closet myself, and I would look up chaste gay fanart with all the furtive excitement of watching porn. But now it’s just salad recipes and ancient memes. Beyond disappointing.

  28. I had to laugh because as much as I enjoy Pinterest sometimes, it’s crazy overwhelming at others. As a straight woman, I can honestly say I would NEVER paint any room in my house grey lol that is just depressing as hell! My list of searches includes a lot of homesteading, gardening and recipes and a science experiments for my daughter lol

  29. Hey, straight lady here! I don’t even HAVE a Pinterest account.

    The last five things I inputted into my search engine were:

    “Light sabre or lightsabre”

    “Chamber pot or bed pan”

    “Carmen Sanediego acapella”

    “Magic moments pudding discontinued”

    and

    “Cheetah chirps”

  30. I was reading this while in line at Subway, just laughing like a maniac. Thank you for this lol.

  31. The fairy garden thing brings up an important concern of mine. How can I, an avid amateur gardener, queerify my front yard?

    Is it enough that I have converted grass and bushes into an array of roses, lilacs, lilies and perennials? How many points do I get for composting and wearing a sports bra? Is a metal flying pig sculpture or an army of gnomes more me? Why does Maslov’s Hierarchy of Tacky Outdoor Decor not yet exist? How much does the USDA zone I’m in factor into this?

    Please send help.

  32. I LOVE YOU ALL!! This was hilarious and REALLY needed the pick up today.

    P.S. I am officially crushing on Carmen and Queer Girl =^.^=

  33. i am HOLLERING about this, half because i love laughing at the bizarre shit that straight white ladies do on pinterest and half because i’ve been guilty of all of this at one point or another in my life.

  34. Every episode of that HBO show Girls screams loud and clear that straight women are in trouble, with little to no control over their lives, sex lives, careers or finances. They have little agency and suffer putdowns and humiliations in dating/sex situations. As a writer once wrote, they are orchids struggling to survive in the arctic.

  35. I like to look up hair/makeup/nails (cuz some of the you tube personalities are so darn funny,) I like small tattoos (worked in with my leg and arm sleeves) And I love decorating in grey….. Wait AM I A STRAIGHT WOMAN?!?!?!? XD lmfao

  36. Am I a horrible human being if I actually enjoy fairy gardening? Maybe it was all those nights babysitting where 5 year old girls forced me to binge watch Tinkerbell? Or was it those DnD fairies who rescued my druid from a witches’ curse, and also gave me some really cute boots. Can’t quite put my finger on it…

    Although last time the kid and I were “gardening” she filled the house with bugs. When I asked her why, she said, “This is the bug home now”
    “Where did the fairies go”
    “I told them to fly away because they weren’t nice to me”
    WHY do 5 year olds make me CRY?!!! Damn you fairies and your posh clique!

  38. I have a Pinterest account that includes a Swan Queen page and I keep getting pictures of Hook/Colin O’Donogue on my feed. :(

  41. Also here to defend Pinterest, I use it for toddler art and crafts (for work), queercut and tattoo inspiration, and cocktail recipes.

    But no, straight people are not okay. Can we talk about straight women’s obsession with day drinking wine? That’s a call for help right there.

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