It’s truly platonic, but my new girlfriend isn’t convinced!

Q:

My ex and I were together for five years. We had a mutual breakup a few months ago, and want to stay friends. We’ve also had to stay roommates, for a few reasons, mainly that we don’t have a ton of money and the real estate market where we live really sucks, so we’re riding out the end of the lease. I’m actually going to be moving to a different place, two hours away to be with my new girlfriend. I know that sounds crazy!! But I am really madly in love with her.

Which brings me to the problem: my ex and I have been sleeping in the same bed. It’s a king bed, we don’t touch, the bedroom is the only room with AC in it, and the other option is the couch in the living room where it’s really hot. Somehow my new girlfriend didn’t realize this was the arrangement and when it came up, she was furious, and said it’s extremely inappropriate for us to be doing this and that it has to stop. Am I crazy to think that she’s overreacting? Me and my ex haven’t had sex in two years, that’s part of why we broke up, it is really platonic!

Summer: Soooo… I can understand both points of view here. You’re certainly experiencing the relationship with your ex as platonic and financially expedient. But to someone who’s not used to that and hasn’t seen this dynamic in person, it may sound wildly inappropriate. Mostly because most people’s perception of exes is that there’s distance between us and our exes. Sharing a bed can be emotionally separated for the people involved, but it’s not physically distant. And I think your girlfriend has beliefs about how bed-sharing, cohabitation, and physical proximity represent intimacy.

Her views aren’t out of the ordinary, since cohabiting (especially with people we were intimate with) and bed-sharing are widely seen as markers of intimacy or closeness. I don’t know how angry about it she was, and whether she saw it as a violation of trust. I can understand why she might find it strange or startling, and the addition of her views on bed-sharing have intensified it.

This is the kind of thing that’ll warrant a sit-down talk with your girlfriend. To describe in depth the nature of your contact with your ex, the pragmatics of your living situation, and how little emotional connection you have. And unfortunately, it’ll be up to your current girlfriend to decide how to respond to that. You can only give your best and honest explanation and hope your girlfriend understands.

Nico: I feel like I’ve seen this dynamic talked about. I certainly understand where both you and your girlfriend are coming from here. For you: it’s practical. For her: it’s very emotional! My first question is: is there any way you two can sell the king-sized bed or trade it for two smaller beds so you can sleep in the bedroom like a 1950’s sitcom couple (and I know you’re not a couple)? Even being literal roommates has less emotional weight than being bedfellows.

That said, the time for communication is now. I don’t know, actually, why you didn’t already inform your girlfriend of this arrangement when you started dating. It seems like a thing to disclose pretty much up front when dating, so I’m not sure how you got so far as to be officially dating and madly in love without her “realizing” this was the arrangement. Did you never actually say so directly? It’s normal to, for financial or lease or other practical reasons, have to live with an ex for a while after a breakup sometimes, so I can understand her making assumptions about sleeping arrangements, but I don’t understand you seeing that this is something she would want to know about. I’d give her the opportunity to ask you as many questions as she needs to, and to just really reset the plane of communication in your relationship to something much more transparent. As Summer said, she might not like the answer and may make choices based on that, but that’s not something you can control.

Riese: Hm, I definitely understand why she’s uncomfortable, and why the way this information was disclosed was disconcerting to her. I also think what you’re doing is okay, and I wish the lack of communication around it wasn’t muddying the waters here because I do think she’s overreacting. I shared a king bed with my platonic best friend for a long time in New York when we were young and I always got annoyed when people thought there was something sexual about it. King beds are really large beds! You can fully be on a different planet as the person you are sharing a bed with. Just ask two adult siblings forced to share a bed on a family trip!  It feels like you’re having to compromise your physical comfort for something that is conceptually problematic despite being, in practice, not an actual problem or an intimacy risk. I don’t know, it feels like if the urge exists within you for you to be intimate with your ex or have sex with your ex, then that’s a problem in and of itself, and the bed is just a prop in that particular show.. Anyhow… you could get a cot and sleep on the floor of the bedroom, if there’s room?

Kayla: I think the thing I’m stuck on is the “somehow my new girlfriend didn’t realize this was the arrangement” part. It implies to me that your sleeping arrangement with your ex was never disclosed to her, and I think that’s a little weird! I don’t think you did anything bad or harmful here, but I think it’s reasonable for your girlfriend to have been told this was your situation early on. The fact that she wasn’t is probably why she’s having such an extreme reaction now. Your girlfriend can’t read your mind or perfectly understand your situation with your ex because she isn’t in it. Yes, she should trust you. But just because a situation feels normal to you doesn’t mean she’s automatically going to adopt that mindset, especially if she just sort of discovered this on her own instead of it being a conversation. Sex has nothing to do with this. Feelings have nothing to do with this. If your relationship is serious enough that you’re moving in together, then I think it is reasonable to say this should have been addressed early on so she could have reacted to the information from a more neutral place rather than being blind-sided by it.

Sex tips please: psychological power plays, but make it practical!

Q:

I have recently been getting super into more complex arrangements of power & control in sex, mainly the power bottom/service top dynamic. I think it’s so hot, this psychological power play where the person in control is not overtly powerful; the deception of who is in control is part of the control. A “tough” “powerful” top is overpowered, perhaps without even realizing, by the “soft” bottom, who is discovering their dominance.

I read on a BDSM website about 3 types of power exchange: bondage & discipline as control, dominance & submission as authority, and sadism & masochism as sensation. I really like this framework, especially the notion of authority, which is v. relevant to my interests. I’ve been trying to find anything online that talks about this with practical suggestions of how to play this out. The physical sexual acts I enjoy are more vanilla, so the BDSM/kink is psychological. I love coming up with ideas, but also why reinvent the wheel?

So I guess I can structure this into 2 questions:

1. How does sex based in psychological power exchange practically work, as in the sex acts? Assuming two partners, both vagina-havers. It wouldn’t necessarily be a role play situation. From what I’ve gathered, the service top would physically be on top, either penetrating w/ a strap or performing oral/etc on the power bottom, with the PB giving directions that are not overtly displaying dominance. What else can happen? Boob/nipple play, maybe some light bondage or sensory play (ie blindfold)? What poses, situations, or locations would add to this power exchange?

2. How can a power exchange like this actually work? The deception of power aspect would be consented to in advance, which means the psychological power would be acted, as the players are aware of it… so is it even possible to actually have this psychological power exchange if part of it is the lack of knowledge…knowing it (for consent purposes) would break it? How does one know and then authentically not know? Or is the “deception” authentically enacted in the way the power bottom does it? Like when two actors in an improvised scene know the general concept but are improvising how it plays out?

Summer: The pragmatics of psychological power exchange in this kind of sex can often be whatever-the-dynamic-vibes-with. More specifically, any act can have power imposed on it if the people involved want that. That’s not super helpful, so here are some practicals:

• Penetrative is often viewed as ‘dominant’. Lots of ink has been spilled over this in feminist literature. And whether we like it or not, that’s somewhat ingrained in us. If you or your partners subscribe to this, then you can always impose the power of dominant (the service top’s) actions onto penetrative acts like fingering, using a strap, or even the tongue. This is also a good conversation to have with partners about what acts they consider dominant or submissive, so that people are on the same page.
• Restraint is often used to indicate submission. This is one of the easiest ways to indicate dominance vs. submission because any act aimed at someone is more dominant if they can’t move. The power bottom could be partly restrained using tools (cuffs, rope, etc.) and a service top can have free reign. I’d only recommend not gagging the bottom here so that they can provide verbal input and guidance, but that’s also taste.
• You’ve mentioned elevation and I think that’s a good direction. The person ‘on top’ or in the position of local power is probably dominant. A service top can be top and fucking down. A service top can be standing or sitting comfortably while a bottom kneels or remains closer to the floor. The 69 position takes on a new meaning when one partner is ‘pinned’ under the other’s body.

I think when you and your partners’ interests begin to match in these areas, it’ll be more intuitive. I like a 2-of-3 thing where I take two from any of those categories and apply them. Say, a bottom is restrained and kneeling and the top is standing freely. The bottom can be the one doing the penetrating using toys or fingers, but it doesn’t change the fact that they’re doing it ‘from the bottom’. For a more intense power bottom dynamic, the top will normally be above because gravity can add a lot more impact to anything done downward, which is a whole other topic.

As to how these things can work: it can be acted safely through a framework of fantasy and agreement. Part of why people participate in edge-play or act out sexual power dynamics is the knowledge that they are safe when doing it. Most people wouldn’t willingly venture into a tricksy, painful dynamic if they didn’t have a guarantee of safety. I see comprehensive consent and communication as not something that can take people out of ‘the moment’, but as a prerequisite for the fantastic moment.

Before we do anything involving rearranged power dynamics (and guts), we have to assure our rational side that we are safe. Pre-negotiated consent and open communications can satisfy that need. Once we’re having that sex, it’s not difficult to let the emotional intensity of the moment guide us. Not necessarily override us, but take us along for the ride while the rational part is briefly out-of-its-mind-drooling-with-horniness.

So, I don’t think it’s possible to ‘not know’ unless the people involved pre-consent to a ‘surprise’ within a certain time range. And even then, they ‘know’ because it was pre-consented to. I just think it’s helpful to view the ‘knowing’ about rough stuff in advance as a prerequisite for enjoying it later.

Nico: 1. Physically, I think, also, within these dynamics, domination and submission can extend all around the more obvious sex acts as well. The person initiating can be seen to be taking a more “dominant” role. This can be in things as simple as kissing. If one partner places a hand on the other’s chin and guides their face into the kiss, this is more “toppy” than allowing yourself to be guided. The more dominant partner can lead the more submissive partner to the bedroom, or the couch, or wherever the rest of the play might take place. Depending on how you want to play with things, the power bottom partner could request or schedule time set aside for play, or the service top could do so. You can extend the dynamic into sexting, into dirty talk, into whatever flirtations you build up around the bedroom. These kinds of things add build-up and intensity once you get down to the actual acts, like those Summer’s described. I hope this helps!

2. In addition to Summer’s suggestions, I think you might also enjoy exploring ‘bratting’ dynamics, perhaps? Again, this is more psychological and doesn’t contain any particular sex acts, but involves the sub asserting their power, being demanding or teasing of the dom/me, all with the goal of — within the scene or dynamic — riling the dom/me up and getting a desired reaction. This is a little different than the exact or more general power bottom / service top dynamic you described, but definitely is play involving a sense of “authority.” And yes, you can have tons of discussion in advance that provides guardrails and parameters within which a kind of improv-style scene can take place. For any BDSM dynamic, you don’t have to outline a play-by-play at all (unless you want to). You can instead talk about limits, boundaries, and desires — for both partners in the dynamic — and then improvise and play within those bounds. This allows for “surprises” to happen. I don’t know that there’s really deception here so much as playing with power, since both parties are in on it, but as long as you discuss ahead of time and come to agreements about what feels safe and good, let your imagination run wild!

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