Q:

I love my queer friend group — but feel weird about being the oldest member of the crew

Hello Autostraddle writers! Last year, my 15-year relationship ended in divorce and now, at the age of 49, I’m single for the first time in so long. Before that relationship I was in two other long-term relationships with little time in between. I know what you’re thinking: I’m about to ask for dating advice. I’m not! I’ve managed to reconnect with old friends and make new ones and found a social scene in my city that i’m really enjoying. The only thing is that I am significantly older than most of my friends!

In practice, it’s not a huge deal, though they often chide me lightly about my age, and we have different cultural touchstones, and I’ve learned a lot from them about what’s cool to say and do these days. The thing is that most of my friends my own age are married with kids, or otherwise nesting, and I honestly want to be going out, meeting new people, partying, all of it! All the stuff I never did before. I’ve even met some prospective dates, and although they’re younger, we still connect, but I am self-conscious about the age gap. I’d love more friends my own age, but I’ve yet to find anyone my age who has the same interests as me or who is going through the same experiences in life. It feels like I am doing everything backwards by settling down first and playing the field after that ended.

Sometimes I feel like everybody’s looking at me, like I’m that old woman hanging around the bar too long. How do I shake this feeling that there’s something lame or loserish about being much older than my friends? Or that behind my back they all think I’m this creepy elder??

A:

Kayla: I’m 31, and if I saw you at a bar, I’d probably want to be your friend! I have lots of friends who are older, including in their fifties, who can fucking HANG like go out all night, party, etc. My wife, who is 12 years older than me, also had a bit of an inverted life path as she had a kid super young, was working full time while in night school and parenting, and essentially wasn’t able to travel a bunch or go out until later in life. So you’re not alone! I think having friends who are a mix of ages is the best, and I don’t think you’re weird or creepy for making friends with much younger people who you can go out to bars with. I’ve had some of the most fun nights of my life with my wife and our mutual friend who is about 10 years older than her, and I loved when I realized the three of us are in different decades of our lives. So yeah, make friends of any ages, and don’t feel self-conscious about the dating thing either. You’re single for what sounds like the first time in your entire adult life? So just have fun!

Summer: So the way I see it is that you’re experiencing a difference in life stages with people of your age group. The life you want to live matches a different age group. Which is cool, but it can make it hard to match the expectations of both groups since you’re not the same as everyone around you.

For one, there’s nothing wrong with existing as an older person in spaces with young people. You’re allowed to be there and your existence alone doesn’t infringe on others. We’ve all heard of an older ‘creeper’ or something who hangs around college students, but that’s more a product of behavior than age. If your intentions are good, then be confident that you’re allowed to be present and be happy. If your intentions are good and people think you’re somehow being ‘creepy’ for existing, then that reflects poorly on their attitudes and not your personhood.

I think navigating those feelings will also help with feeling better in age gap relationships. The phenomenon of romantic age gaps being frowned upon is both recent and quite Western. I’m glad some of it exists — many of the reasons that age gaps are historically typical aren’t beneficial to women. But it’s easy for people to swing hard into the opposite view: that all age gap relationships are harmful or ‘un-feminist’. The fact is, good feminism nurtures the agency of women and allows them to live the lives they want. Including partying and dating into your fifties.

There’s nothing wrong with your dating pool intersecting with younger people. There’s also nothing wrong with dating younger people from that pool as long as everyone is mindful of the challenges that an age gap can present. Like differences in life stages, different physical and emotional needs, etc. A sufficiently mature relationship can handle these complexities and find all kinds of common ground.

The bottom line is that as long as you’re not actively trying to hurt anyone, then there’s no reason to feel bad for being present. We’re allowed to find our own enjoyment.

Nico: First, I want to reassure you that people are very likely not looking at you and thinking “she doesn’t belong here” but if they are, screw them! It seems like you’re genuinely putting yourself out there and looking for friends that share what are your authentic interests and who are in a similar place in life to where you’ve found yourself — and for now, many of those people happen to be younger.

One thing about being suddenly divorced or in a breakup after a long-term relationship is that you’re going to start making new friends, but also, if you keep trying new things and putting yourself out there, you’re also probably not going to stop making new friends. It sounds like you’re in the early days post break-up right now. You may yet find more people your own age, or even older who you wind up hanging out with, too. A lot can happen!

Also, yes, as you progress upwards by age bracket, you’ll find fewer and fewer people on apps, if that makes sense. Likely, this is because of people becoming more “settled” in relationships as they age, or just not wanting to use apps. However, Summer’s advice for approaching age gap dating is great, and you have the option to try more / different apps, too. However, that said, if everything is above board in general with dating, the agreement, more or less, between two adults who are going on a date and who are autonomous beings, is that they both want to be there (until they don’t, at which point they may exit). I think you can trust that if someone doesn’t want to go on a date with you, that they won’t. So, with that taken care of, I hope you can concentrate on having a good time, instead. You’re 49, so even if you’re dating, say, a 33-year-old human and there’s a like 16 year age gap, that person is very much an adult who has decided that they want to go on a date with you, and that’s totally okay and maybe even awesome! It’s not creepy to want to date, to want to make friends, to want to dance or to party. As long as you’re being kind and respectful, you deserve to enjoy your life and to be present in spaces (including queer spaces), too!

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