Welcome to the 97th edition of Into the AF+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from AF+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for AF+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We do this column TWICE a month.

Every other AF+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s (January’s) theme is (F)ix My Life. February’s theme is breakups. Are you having difficulty financially untangling yourself, are you uncertain of what you did wrong, are you having an identity crisis because of your breakup, is your ex talking about you behind your back? Let’s talk! Get those questions in by Monday, February 5!

Then there are general Into the AF+ Advice Boxes, where we take questions on practically any topic. You can send questions on any topic, at any time. Submit those questions into the AF+ Contact Box which I’ve also embedded here:

Are you an AF+ or AF Media member, a new member, or otherwise not a legacy A+ member and therefore can’t use the box? Submit advice questions via this form!

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

I’m nonbinary and use they/them pronouns. Even though I cut my hair short, often wear men’s clothes, and bind when I can, I still get gendered as a woman 100% of the time. I recently redownloaded some dating some dating apps, and even though I’m SUPER clear in my profile that I am nonbinary, I still occasionally get hit with feminine gendered compliments about my appearance like “beautiful,” “cute,” “adorable,” etc. that make me feel really dysphoric. How can I politely thank people for the compliments while asking them not to use this language about me? It’s so hard to read a stranger’s tone via text and I don’t want to come off like an asshole!

A:

Stef: Oh man, I completely understand your feelings. Those particular compliments don’t make me dysphoric but I do still get hit with a lot of feminine compliments, particularly in regards to the sport I practice. Here’s what I generally do when that happens. First, I thank the person for thinking that way about me and/or seeing me that way. I tell them it also means a lot that they’re willing to express that (because even if their language is limited, they’re still trying to be kind). And then, I tell them, “Just so you know for the future, I’d really prefer it if you talked about those particular qualities in this way…” and I explain what makes me feel the most comfortable. I’ve done this with people I’m close to and with people I barely know, and I’ve never experienced a bad reaction.

Q2:

Hi Straddlers, I’d like your advice on how to respond to something that happens to me fairly often. I will meet someone in my neighborhood, or at work, who I have no interest in romantically. They’re an acquaintance I see regularly. Like a clerk at the corner bodega, or someone who goes to the dog park at the same time as me. We strike up a conversation one day and have our usual snippet of light friendly chat whenever we see each other. One day, they’ll pull away from me. Suddenly, the conversation ends quickly, sometimes by making a point of talking to or about a man. And from that point forward, it’s like they’re just being polite with me. It reads to me like homophobia. Like maybe they felt a feeling they were not prepared for. I swear I was not flirting. Just being friendly while looking queer.

Does this happen to others? What should I do? Can I say something like “I wasn’t flirting with you?” It hurts to lose people, even in this small way.

I’m also wondering if I am giving off flirtatious vibes when I’m not feeling that? I feel like I am being misread somehow, and wonder if there’s something about me that contributes? How do I figure that out?

A:

Kayla: I think it’s hard to know exactly what’s going on here without more details and context, but I do think it could be as simple (but unfortunate) as homophobia. I’ve definitely noticed acquaintances change how they interact with me once they learn I’m queer. It is true also that sometimes friendliness gets misconstrued as flirting, but that’s not your fault! Queer people are also sometimes sexualized just for like…being friendly lol, so it does kind of circle back to being homophobia. I don’t think there’s really a way to figure out why someone has pulled away without asking, but that’s tricky since these aren’t really consistent/deep relationships but rather just acquaintance-level. But I think the only way to know for sure is to ask.

Q3:

How do you maintain a hobby that makes you go to a second location? I’m struggling with allotmenting because it feels walking there/back takes up so much time that it just becomes A Roadblock in my mind.

A:

Stef: This is a great question, and it’s something I really struggle with as a person who has a full time job that also keeps me away from home most of the day. Honestly, I’ve made the journey TO the thing work for me. I don’t live in a walkable place (South Florida, for the record), so I have to commute everywhere and, because of population change and just development here in the last few years, it takes 20-30+ minutes for me to get anywhere most hours of the day. For me, working in stuff that I want to do during that time has been really helpful in getting me motivated to get to the place. So, I generally listen to the podcasts I like or listen to an album I’ve been meaning to check out. Sometimes, I do whatever phone conversations I need to have with family or friends during that time, or I call and make my doctor’s appointments or whatever else I need to do. I hate commuting because it feels like such a loss of time but I’ve found that if I can do SOMETHING in that time, I feel a lot better.

Kayla: Totally agree with Stef that there are ways to make commutes feel more dynamic and interesting, like listening to podcasts, doing phone calls, etc. I really recommend the phone conversation thing! I have friends who will randomly call me when they’re walking or driving somewhere, and it’s kind of nice to receive an unexpected phone call from a friend just to chat.

Q4:

Hello, I have an advice question about moving choices. TLDR Do I move to a bigger city or stay in my comfort zone?

Im bi and nonbinary and in my mid 20s. Me and my partner met in college and have stayed in our college town for 3 years after graduation. It’s a quiet but safe and queer friendly place with lots to do at weekends. However, there are almost no job opportunities in our industries and we’re struggling. My queer identities are important to me, and during my university years I built a small but strong group of LGBT+ friends, including some who are truly chosen family. My friendship group nearly all still live in our college town too, and most plan to settle down in this area. I recently visited a big city, 2 hours away, with my partner and we were surprised to find it had a lot of elements we like about where we currently live. It is a walkable city, has parks, cafes and free places to go like museums and a huge library. Most importantly for us, we realised that the city specialises in both me and my partners’ industries and so there are many more jobs, also at higher wages, to apply for. The city is also known for having an established queer community, being left wing and being eco friendly. Therefore we are considering applying for jobs there, as well as in our current town. However, I am worried about being away from my friends, maintaining these connections, and potentially finding my bearings in a new place. The city also has also got some serious gentrification problems, so cost of living is higher and our rent would be twice as high as currently! Please do you have any advice on how to choose between places to live?

A:

Kayla: In these situations, I’m almost always going to say you should move. Because honestly, it sounds like you want to move! It sounds like moving could be really great for you and your partner. You will maintain your friendships if you make the effort to do so. Yes, those relationships will change, and that might be scary, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You will have new relationships with old friends and also forge new relationships with new friends. Moving almost always means giving SOMETHING up, and there’s risk and heartbreak in that, but it also just means starting a new chapter of life. The higher rent thing is definitely a deterrent, but it would be slightly mitigated by better job opportunities for you and your partner. Are there ways to bring down costs? Could you live with a roommate for at least a bit? Also, if you are applying to jobs in the city, you should DEFINITELY ask for them to cover part or all of the costs of relocation. I’m not sure what industry you’re in, but it doesn’t hurt to ask for those things. I’ve moved cities MANY times in the past decade of my life, and I never regret it. Not only will you be able to visit your friends if you want (two hours isn’t too bad), people are much more accustomed to maintaining social connections virtually these days due to the way COVID restructured our approaches to socializing and friendship.

Riese: Yeah give it a shot! If you don’t like it you can always come back to the town where your friends are living. Two hours isn’t a huge distance either, and I think your friends will love to come visit and hang out in your new queer city. I think when you’re young it’s also tricky to wed where you live to who else lives there because your friends could also choose to move at some point.

Em: As someone who has moved around A LOT, I’m a big advocate for moving at least once in your 20s if you’re able. It’s definitely scary and transition can be tricky, but it ultimately gives you a new perspective and new opportunities. Two hours is actually quite close (for the gays that’s not even a long distance relationship) so if you got really homesick or needed a dose of your friend group, you could always go back on the occasional weekend. It sounds like this location offers the perfect balance between taking the next step and operating from your comfort zone.

Q5:

Hello lovely AS team!

This is for the life advice box. The TLDR is I’m looking for advice on how to speak more and feel more comfortable taking up space.

A few months ago I started a new job. I absolutely love the work I’m getting to do, feel incredibly fulfilled, have very kind colleagues and the most incredible manager who would pretty much do anything to make sure I feel supported and can thrive. On paper it’s the dream. However, I’m finding it really hard to connect with my team. I’m Autistic so social stuff is always a bit of a struggle – I understand socialising and communicating intellectually but reading social situations, taking the floor, knowing the amount of space to take up has my brain in consistent overdrive. I’d describe myself as introverted but do really value genuine connections and opportunities to build strong, meaningful relationships. So, I want to make this work. Currently I barely speak in the office unless people speak to me directly (and I worry people are getting frustrated), I feel really overwhelmed in our team catchups and I clam up or will only share my ideas or stories really briefly because I feel like I’m killing the vibe. I don’t want to be like this! I want my team to know that I’m knowledgeable, that I care about them and I want to have good relationships and rapport with people. It just feels really really hard. Currently my manager knows I’m Autistic but not others. I’d be keen for any advice on how to navigate this and any strategies to crack into the team more and be more vocal and actively participating.

A:

Carmen: First of all, I am so excited for your new job and that you are so happy there!! That is no small thing, isn’t there a statistic somewhere that our jobs are where we spend the majority of our waking hours (yay capitalism!), so having a job that is making you feel fulfilled and supported is huge.

Ok, so with that out of the way! I think a really great way to build relationships and rapport with people when social cues are difficult and/or you feel overwhelmed, is to try and find a common interest. It doesn’t have to be a big thing; literally it could be as small as you and another person in the office both like cookies as an afternoon snack (I completely made that up!). The goal is to find one thing that you can talk to that one person about. Obviously autism exists on a spectrum and your needs might be different than I’m suggesting here, but I know that for some people it helps to talk deep on one specific topic than to make small talk around a variety of topics that feel unnatural to you.

Second, I want to assure you that you are not killing the vibe when you join a conversation!! Our brain chemistry can sometimes misfire, and even though they are trying to protect us (ie/they don’t want you to be hurt), it can come out as untruths. The truth is that you are a new member on a team, which yes can be awkward, but your new coworkers are most likely excited for you to be there! And they are just waiting for the right opportunity to get to know you better, or for you to share your smarts with them. So please, please do so! Once you’ve made a few one-on-one connections, it might be easier for you to speak up in a group and share your ideas during team meetings. Which would be another win!

Again, best of luck to you and congrats on the new job!!

Q6:

Hi team! So this is a tricky one and I can’t see a path forward, so appreciative of a vibe check and any advice people may have.

I work an office job in a pretty conservative sector, although my specific workplace isn’t bad with homophobia, and I (and several workmates) are out.

The company has a problem with sexual harassment. Every company party, I have friends tell me that they’ve been groped and pressured by male colleagues. In my level of the company hierarchy, there’s a very out cis gay man, and he’s been identified by two of my close work friends as a perpetrator of sexual harassment/violence against both men and women. One of my work friends (a gay man himself) had to help another workmate who was being sexually assaulted by this guy, and another female friend was groped by this guy at a work party until she had to threaten to hit him to get him to stop.

None of the people affected so far have been comfortable reporting the violence to HR, which is understandable given the company has a bad track record. So now we’re stuck in a weird awful situation where I know this guy is a predator but have to keep acting normal around him at work, and I guess I just have to keep an eye on everyone I can in social environments to try to minimise violence??

Like I said, no easy solutions here but welcome any advice – is there anything I can do to build solidarity/support amongst my cohort as a kind of postvention/prevention against the likelihood of future issues, or talk to the queer men being targeted by this guy about their safety? We’re not unionised unfortunately and it’s hard to know where support would even come from.

A:

Nico: This is tough for all the reasons outlined. As advice to start, I think that just a light touch of formalising behind-the-scenes actions can help a lot in contexts like this. Can you get everyone affected by the predator (who is not the predator) together in a neutral place to discuss what’s happened and, at the very minimum, get everyone on the same page? This might also mean “as many people as possible” and not everyone. I think, in this context, it’s super important to let anything that’s done be survivor-led, but also, to provide insfrastructural support where possible. Wishing you tons of luck, and I know this isn’t a lot of advice, but it’s where I would start.

Q7:

I live and work in a rural place with frequent turnover due to the nature of the job. There’s a large, ever-changing group chat for fun/social communication that includes staff, their partners, bosses, and some non-staff. 1 of our many admins remove people, or they remove themselves, when members move out of the area. When an ex and I broke up, I waited until they moved away to remove them to be fair to anyone still friends with them even though I was triggered seeing them in the chat. The ex’s friend (non-staff, call her B) is still in the chat. My anxious ass removed B when she hadn’t commented for 3 months even though B still lives in the area because I’d been uncomfy around her since before the breakup and didn’t want her negatively affecting my life with details gleaned from the chat. My only coworker who is actively rude to me and ~*Extremely Passive Aggressive*~ is an admin and added B back in the next day. My nervous system freaked out. After calming down some, I thought: I feel unsafe around these two. Others might not, and I am an adult, so rather than re-removing B and removing admin rights from the ~*EPA*~ coworker, which will start or continue drama, I can: (1) stay in the chat as a member/admin and only lurk like the ~*EPA*~ coworker (seriously, they never comment or react) and just message people directly if I want to join something, or (2) remove myself from the group, give a vague explanation if anyone asks why, and miss out on what few social opportunities exist (I’m not on social media).

Am I missing any options, and what do y’all recommend?

A:

Riese: Firstly, I want to just congratulate you on taking the time to calm down after your nervous system reaction before choosing your next move — it can be so so so so hard to do that (it’s very hard for me!) — so, nice work.

I’m gonna be honest straight-off that I am sort of confused about the bounds of this group chat to begin with! It sounds like it involves a lot of tenuous social and professional connections and a lot of potential for awkward combinations of people, including people with romantic ties and including bosses and their employees — that’s a lot of different types of relationships in one chat, including presumably people with financial power over others in the chat, so it does feel destined for inevitable messiness and I’d be surprised if you’re the only one who’s ever been wronged by this chat!

I also want to be honest that the EPA person sucks!!!! They should’ve asked you about why they removed that person before re-adding them, and someone who never talks in the chat should not be adding and deleting people!. If EPA was not someone who’d consistently been rude to you I might be curious about, like, if maybe they did that because it was a breach of chat etiquette to remove B without giving them a heads-up first — but even in that case, I’d hope they’d reach out to you before re-adding.

Ultimately, I don’t want you to lose connections to the few social opportunities that exist, so I think you’ve got to stay in the chat. (i’m also not sure what the dynamics are with co-workers, if it would be weird for you professionally to leave.) So I think option #1 is the better option of the two you’ve described. Maybe at some point you’ll branch off into another divided sub-group for a specific event, and can keep that going, with a more tightly curated group of people that you want to actively spend time with. I think that would be ideal!

It sucks to feel like you have to censor yourself in the chat to avoid transmitting info to your ex, and I’m sorry that something that’s supposed to be a source of connection now feels so fraught. I hope that feeling gets better over time and also that B will eventually see themselves out.

Carmen: I agree with Riese that I don’t want you in a situation where you’re losing social connections! Also whoooowheeeee the dynamics of this group chat seem stressful as hell, my friend (no judgment there! I think we all have various versions of “stressful group chat politics” in our lives now that didn’t exist even five years ago). Reading through your message, I also wondered if it’s possible for you to spin off into a smaller chat? Are there friends in that group who you could give the real story to, and ask if they’d be willing to join a secondary chat with you? So that you’re able to keep the social camaraderie, but without all the attached stressful dynamics? That might be the “secret third option” that you’re looking for!

If that’s not possible, then yes I’d probably see how long I could stand staying in the chat casually as a “lurker” and if that became too much for mental health, I’d bounce. Ultimately, if it’s not making you feel good, then it’s not a loss for you no longer to be there. I hope you’re able to remember that!

Q8:

A beloved cousin is having gender affirming surgery in the very near future. She lives across the country, so I can’t be supportive in a direct way. While she has a strong queer and trans community, and her sister will be there post-op (top surgery) to offer support, do you have suggestions for what I can do from afar that would be the most helpful and caring? (For the record, we come from a family of “please don’t put yourself out”-ers, so I’m not going to get direct asks from her). Food delivery? A care package (with…?) I welcome any recommendations from those who’ve been through this, or cared for loved ones who have! Thank you in advance!

A:

Kayla: We recently published a guide to caring for loved ones who are transitioning, and while that’s less about tangible care/gifts that can be provided and more about emotional support, I think it’d be a great place to start. But as for tangible things you can provide, food delivery is ALWAYS helpful during surgery recovery processes. The best way to do it is to find out if your cousin has a preferred delivery app (UberEats, Door Dash, etc) and then get a gift card so she can pick whatever she wants.

Carmen: I wanted to +1 Kayla! I had a major surgery a little over a year ago, the kind of surgery where you need a lot of care and help for 2-3 weeks. Gift cards to delivery apps were a lifesaver!! If you can find out what’s their preferred app (because the popularity/availability of each specific app can vary depending on region), that would be even better. If you’re unable to find out from your cousin directly and/or want it to be a surprise, then the sister/your other cousin might also be able to help. I also had a friend take the approach of messaging me ahead of time and saying “I’m sending you food, I know you’d say ‘don’t put yourself out’ but this is non-negotiable. What would you like?” and I found the directness of her approach really sweet and amusing. Plus the pulled pork she mailed cross-country really did end up supporting my whole care team! Which meant I got food, and a really nice memory (she used Gold Derby, which sends restaurant food across the country, if you’re interested in that). The last thing I found helpful will depend on the person in question, but I had a group of friends send me a giftcard to Bookshop.org because I was on bedrest, and I absolutely loved it.

I know this is the kind of thing we all stress about, but honestly you can’t mess it up. The thing that matters most is that you want to show up and be there, even from far away — and that’s what your cousin will remember.

Q9:

This is for January’s Fix My Life themed advice column.

I am beginning to actively job search in my chosen career field after 15 years out of it due to extreme mental health issues. I have had jobs in the interim but they weren’t in my profession. I still have a lot of fear of failing again at my chosen career. However, I now have a shiny new Master’s degree and I’m ready to start over.

In the past I found jobs in my field the old-fashioned way (in-person networking), and I’ll continue to try that, but I have the impression that now, people use LinkedIn and Indeed to network and find jobs. I’m trying to set these up and use them, but I’m finding them really confusing and overwhelming. Especially since on LinkedIn, I’m seeing my former undergraduate classmates succeeding in their high-level positions, and my graduate classmates already employed when it’s taken me half the year to even get started. It’s discouraging and embarrassing! I don’t like social media in general because of this comparison effect. How do I use these sites effectively and with confidence?

A:

Em: As someone who has spent their entire adult life career hopping, I totally empathize with you. Unfortunately, I’ve found that to really know if you’re a good fit in a particular career, you just need to give it a try. Some random person in high school once said to me “think about what you daydream about/think about constantly and that should be your career.” That’s horrible advice from someone random, but I think about it a lot. I’m now becoming a therapist and I realized my whole life I have only ever thought about the details of other people’s lives.

As for the social media side, I struggle with this too because I often get jealous of peers (and people younger than me) who seem to have it all figured out. It feels unfair when you know you’ve put in years and years of work to still be jobless. My straightforward answer to your question really depends on what type of job you’re looking for. For example, anything in media or writing would definitely live in the Twitter world, whereas corporate networking is better suited for LinkedIn or going to Meetups. If you’re an entrepreneur, then TikTok might be the way to go. My best advice is to find people on social media who are doing what you want to do and use their content as a template. Additionally, set boundaries for yourself. Maybe this looks like only one hour of social media a day, or turning your phone off at a certain time each evening.

Q10:

hey gays. do you have some ideas of fun gay shit that my friends and i can do when we have sleepovers? we’re in our early to late 20s, we’re all gay, everyone has hooked up with one other person in the group at some point so we’re not like shy in front of each other basically. so far we’ve played truth or dare (obviously), sang karaoke, made quizzes about ourselves and competed to see who knows each other best, made elaborate snacks, played instruments and sung together, watched dumb youtube videos and played video games. what other cute fun gay flirty things and games can we do?!

A:

ashni: I LOVE this question! If one (or more!) of y’all have tarot cards, highly recommend reading each other’s cards! Light some candles, dim the lights, get a little cozy and intimate. I see that you’ve made quizzes about yourselves. If you’re Jeopardy! people, you could each submit a few questions/answers and play Jeopardy as two teams! You could also have a Powerpoint party – everyone gets a few slides (or a few minutes, you get to decide!) to talk about whatever they want: a definitive ranking of the best snack foods, places you’d take Reneé Rapp on a date… literally anything!!

A classic sleepover game is Never Have I Ever, though I suspect that if you have played Truth or Dare, you have already played Never Have I Ever as well. As a group, you could do the 36 Questions to Fall In Love, or you could play We’re Not Really Strangers (or a similar, intimacy-building game). Okay and then – if Spin the Bottle is too much, feel free to disregard, but it is DEFINITELY a flirty game!

Kayla: My favorite party games at the moment are Just One and Hues and Cues!

Riese: Yeah Spin the Bottle and Three Minutes in the Closet are reliable classics! Let’s Get Deep and games like it are fun too, where you’re asking invasive personal questions.

Q11:

Hi! So I’m mid 30s and came out when I was 29. All my dating & some of my friendship life I have been told by people that they can’t read me. Like I dated someone for 6 weeks once and asked them to be more serious and they said they were in but didn’t realize I was that into them. I feel bad about it. Intimacy with people isn’t always easy for me until I get to know someone. What subtle things I can do to show current people I am totally into them!?

A:

Kayla: Have you tried writing letters? You don’t have to be a great writer to write a really lovely letter to someone to let them know you care about them. Even just the simple fact of receiving a letter from someone feels thoughtful. And sometimes, for folks who struggle to outwardly express intimacy, it’s easier to do so in written form.

Carmen: Similar to writing letters, I wanted to suggest letters’ 21st century cousins, text messages. If you’re realizing that people have a hard time “reading” you, I vote for telling them exactly what you’d like them to know. A text message can be a very casual way to say “hey! I thought of you today!” which always puts a smile on someone’s face (literally even if you just say those exact words!). It also gives you a chance to start a conversation based on someone’s interest. Have you ever seen that scene from Abbott Elementary where Gregory tells Jeanine, I wanna know what you like about stuff? For my money it’s one of the sexist approaches to saying “I like you” on television, and perfectly aligned for a text message conversation approach.

That said! The danger here is that you might fall too far on the “I want to know you as friends” spectrum — and this my friend is when some light sexting will come in handy. For the balance.

Q12:

(For the Fix my Life advice box)

Fix my shower! No matter what I do, the grout between the tiles and around the tub gets moldy and dark. Scrubbing with a cloth tires me out because of the awkward angle & I can’t seem to get the right amount of power to actually clean it away. I’m self-conscious when people stay over and use my shower. What is the right product to use that will ACTUALLY get rid of this stuff? How often/how should I be cleaning my shower so this stuff doesn’t keep appearing??

A:

Kayla: Do you use a daily shower spray? Using a daily shower spray after every shower is preventative against build up so that things are hopefully not accumulating between more intense shower cleaning sessions. You just spray it right after you shower and leave, no scrubbing required. Occasional deeper cleans will still be required but hopefully less frequently and less rigorously if you’re using a daily spray.

Em: I wanted to chime in here because I quite literally just discovered the daily shower spray Kayla mentioned. I discovered this electric bathroom scrubber via TikTok and, if anything, it’s a lot better than getting on your hands and knees and scrubbing tile with a cloth. If you’d like to clean your shower head, you can put some distilled vinegarx in a bag , seal it over your shower head with rubber hands, and let it sit overnight.

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