Welcome to the first edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however). Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun.
We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!
So I have been messaging this girl on the other side of the world pretty much daily and I’ve been kind of bad at relationship emotions historically but there are definite feelings there and I’m heading where she lives in like a year’s time and basically I’m afraid of living through a screen for a year but also scared that this is one of the first times I’ve had what I’ve imagined proper FEELINGS feelings should feel like and basically I’m not sure what to do because the option of sustaining this for another year scares me because I don’t want to miss out on things in my immediate life but the option of putting a stop to this scares me because she seems so wonderful and I love hearing from her and talking to her and it’s all really great and I’m scared I’ll never encounter this again? Have you guys any advice as to how to deal with this weird emotional situation that makes me feel simultaneously elated and horrible?
CAROLYN: Pay attention to and be present in your life. And then, enjoy that you have feelings! Enjoy that there is someone out there you have those feelings for, and who you like hearing from and talking to, who just even exists in the world. Get to know each other to the extent possible when you’re not present in each other’s daily lives; try to approach each other as whole people with good and bad parts, and not as projections of fantasies or hopes. Don’t worry about bad things before they happen (I am personally awful at this); don’t pin too much to good things before they happen, either. A year is a long time but also very little time.
Don’t live through a screen for a year. You are your own whole person and you lived before you met her and you will live after you know her, too. In any relationship of any kind, you need to have your own life that is just yours, whether you live in the same house or down the street or on opposite sides of the world.
RIESE: Carolyn’s right — don’t put the rest of your life on hold for this person, but you also don’t have to stop yourself from feeling how you feel. The danger as I see it is that an entire year of intense communication can put a TON of pressure on the both of you before you’ve even had a chance to smell her hair or touch her skin or steal her blankets in your sleep. You won’t know if she gets along with your friends or how she handles a social event you’re forcing her to attend or if she tips waitresses properly even if they didn’t do a great job! I talk a little bit more about that here — but I did write that in 2011, and I think technology has changed since then in a way that enables people to spend a lot more time chatting to each other’s actual faces and be more tapped into each other’s lives. Which changes things a bit.
So as this year progresses, try and remember that all you’re trying to set up with this person is a possibility — a future in which you’ll finally have the opportunity to see if y’all could be in a real relationship. Otherwise you’re in danger of basically the same thing couples are in danger of when they U-Haul or get married too soon, which is An Enormous Logistical Pressure For Things to Work Out. That pressure can sometimes cause you to overlook red flags or ignore conflicts rather than facing them — which’s too bad ’cause usually conflicts can be resolved, but they won’t be if you’re too scared to acknowledge them and thus shatter your “perfect meant-to-be” image of your union. On the other hand, that pressure can sometimes inspire you to make things work instead of giving up the first time things get tough, which can be a very good thing. There are plenty of couples who carry on an extensive online relationship for a year, meet in person, confirm said relationship, and then are happy together forever. Ditto for couples who marry quickly or U-Haul — it’s not what most people would choose, but it can work.
It’s hard to keep the breaks on for that long, though, so if it’s at all possible to meet her sooner rather than later, do it! I realize that sex isn’t a big deal for everybody, but if it is for you — the sooner you can find out if you have a physical connection, the better.
Also I’m assuming you’ve also talked on the phone and on video chat — if you haven’t then please do that like… today. Or tomorrow.
I met this girl about this time last year on tumblr. What started as a mutual follow turned into pen pals and Skype dates and texting every day. We met up for the first time this week, and… wow. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Problem being that she lives a 12 hour flight away in Canada, and I’m here in the states. Help.
CAROLYN: As far as being in different countries go, you could do far worse than a US-Canada thing. The two like each other, legally speaking, at least for now; flights are fairly easy even when they’re long; should it become relevant, the path to living in the same country, though daunting and lengthy and invasive, is not impossible. I had really good bathroom sex with this girl this one time, and then I was in a fulfilling long-distance US-Canada thing, and now I’m typing this from the desk she got me for our wedding in the apartment we have together in her city except now it’s our city while our dog sleeps on my feet. If you want a life that looks like building a life together eventually, it is not impossible.
Basically the thing about distance — any type of distance — is that it doesn’t matter until it does, and then it matters a whole lot. If you just met in person for the first time, it probably feels fresh and exciting and right now there’s a physical ache for her and that feeling maybe feels hard but also good? There is something to be said for revelling in the feeling of unsatisfied desire. Enjoy that. Enjoy getting to know each other as real people, and the brief glimpses of each others’ lives through screens and when you meet in person, and the unique way you can entangle with each other even when you’re far away. But don’t live visit to visit or text to text; engage with all elements of your life, near and far. Don’t project your fantasies of who she could be or what your lives could be like together; take the whole person in front of you and just her, and share the whole person you are, too. And while you do that, start to think about what you want. Do you know what you want your life in five years to look like? Not “your possible life with her,” just “your life.” If you don’t, don’t let the distance bother you more than you need to, but think about it. If you do, how does she fit into that plan? What parts would you need to change? What parts would you need to hold on to even if it were hard? Those questions don’t matter right now, and they might not matter ever. Having a great time together is its own end. And when it stops feeling that way, be brave.
So, what does one do when you might have found the most compatible partner yet, and are still bothered by their 420 use after over a year together? My gf is a social smoker, I am not a smoker at all. I have a very different perception/experience with this than she. In every other possible way I love her, and the feeling is mutual in return.
ALAINA: So, not to be harsh or mean or anything, but this is exactly why I think everyone should have a solid friend group that doesn’t (necessarily) include your partner. If your partner is someone who really only smokes in social situations, then it doesn’t seem like the sort of thing where her home always smells like pot or she’s always high, so like, maybe you just don’t spend time together when she’s high! Like I get it, love is beautiful and perfect and you want to spend time together all the time when you’re in love, but I think it’s fine to spend some time apart from one another. In fact, it’s more than fine to spend time apart – healthy even. It’s a perfect example of setting boundaries, which are fantastic for a relationship. Be honest with her: tell her you don’t like it when she’s high/you don’t like marijuana and that you’d rather not spend time with her when she’s high. Put a lot more “I love yous” in it when you’re talking to her, and just make it clear that it isn’t her you don’t want to be around, it’s just the pot.
Now, if your issue with pot is moral, then I think that’s different. In that case I think you should talk to her honestly about the reasons you’re opposed to it and be honest about how it’s going to affect your relationship/how you see her. If it turns out to be the kind of thing where you can’t date a person who gets high, then that’s something you’ve got to think about also, and make clear for her. But also, don’t ask her to change herself for you because that feels unfair. However you said yourself that you two are totally in lesbians with each other, so while it might not be the most comfortable conversation, I think being honest with her is really the only way to go here.
LUNA MERBRUJA: Hey there! It’s possible to be with a smoker as a non-smoker as long as you communicate your boundaries & needs. For instance, my partner smokes pot for lots of chronic pain stuff, but it’s also often a social habit as well. When I’m around my partner and their friends who are smoking, I ask to open a window, or watch a movie, or hang out with the other friend(s) who are not smoking. Basically, I tend to find things to do while they’re smoking so I’m not sitting bored or unengaged. As for the smell, I can sometimes be triggered by it, so I ask my partner to smoke in a jacket or something they can remove so it doesn’t linger or stink up my room/apartment/etc. My partner is receptive to these requests so it keeps us both happy and comfortable in our bodies & relationship!
RIESE: I wish we knew more about what it is about her smoking that you don’t like! You say that you “have a very different perception/experience with this than she,” which leads me to wonder if you’re maybe holding her accountable for things that have nothing to do with her? Maybe you had friends who smoked their entire lives away, a parent who was an addict, or maybe you’re just from a different culture where marijuana is less normalized or acceptable. Perhaps you know your parents or co-workers would be horrified if they knew your girlfriend smoked pot. You might have unresolved anxiety from your past that is making you uncomfortable about your present, and she has become the target of this anxiety because the past, by its very nature, cannot be.
If this is the case, then talk to her about it. It won’t change her affection for weed, but maybe having these concerns out in the open could lessen overall anxiety around the topic or enable her to find ways to make this difference less conflicted for the both of you. If you simply find stoned people, including your girlfriend, to be annoying or stupid, and you’re certain this is a genuine evaluation of her demeanor and not coming from outside factors, then yeah — I hope you have different friend groups, like Alaina said, so that she can enjoy her hobbies without it upsetting your dynamic.
Alright crew, I’m embarking on a relationship with a 10 year age gap and need some advice. I don’t even know what sort of advice, but advice. I feel generally good about it, but 10 years feels like a lot, especially in my early/mid (oh god) twenties. Help?!?
LUNA MERBRUJA: Hey there! I’m a 23 year-old in a 6-month relationship with a 34 year-old. On our first date, this cutie was shocked when I pulled out a notebook with three major questions/boundaries I wanted to clarify, and the first one was our age difference. I asked how they felt about it and if they had previous relationships with as wide an age difference. They said they had a range that wasn’t as wide as ours, but that they were more interested in someone’s personality and a shared connection than their age. I was initially skeptical, but after a month and a half of weekly dates, I definitely forgot about the age difference. The only time our age difference comes up is during conversations about older music, tv shows, trends, etc, but there is lots of overlap in 90’s media & music that we both love. Mostly, we joke about it or playfully nudge each other about how young/old the other is.
In terms of power dynamics, we both balance it out in different ways. They do have a steady job, but they haven’t thought about the future as much as I have. I’m much more of a 5-10 year planner whereas they are just beginning to think about the next few years ahead of them. Sometimes, I feel at a disadvantage because I haven’t experienced as much as them (sexually, emotionally, relationship-wise), but we’re always creating new memories and experiences together. So yeah, if the age difference is a consistent worry or stressor in your relationship, it might not be the best fit, but it also might take some time to adjust to the novelty of the experience. It’s really not a big deal in our relationship.
RIESE: We’ve written a little bit about this in the past, and I’d encourage you to read Mind The (Age) Gap: How to Do A May-Decmeber Lesbian Relationship and the comments, as well as the comments on 11 Lesbian Couples Who Don’t Mind the Age Gap.
I’ve been on both sides of this — dated somebody nine years older than me and somebody ten years younger than me, as well as several who were either 4-5 years older or 4-5 years younger. Generally, everybody contains multitudes and it’s difficult to make generalizations.
There are so many reasons why the power balance might not be as clearly defined as it seems. For example, a younger partner who came out in high school could have more experience dating women than an older partner who just discovered her lesbianism. A younger partner could’ve had a tumultuous or unstable upbringing or spent more time “playing the field” in college than an older partner with a more traditional or sheltered past, and therefore could be more eager to settle down and find stability than the older partner.
The younger partner might have a full-time job whereas the older is still finishing a P.h.D. The younger person might have a clearly defined career path and life plan whereas the older is still figuring out what they want. Oddly, the 27-year-old I dated as an 18-year-old was in a pretty similar life space as I was, ’cause he’d just gone through a divorce and had decided to change his career path, and therefore was in his first year of law school. I too was in my first year of a degree-granting institution! But then we went to Geneva and he wanted to eat lunch at McDonald’s instead of sampling THE LOCAL CUISINE, so it turns out there was a lot we didn’t have in common after all.
My advice would be to be honest with yourself about where you’re at in life, and to make sure she’s being honest with you too. You might find that for you both, the age gap just isn’t a big deal. Sometimes it really is just a number.
The majority of “the work” to be done in May/December relationships tends to fall on the older person. It’s important for her to acknowledge that you’re likely not as “fully-formed” as she is, and that you have a lot of learning and self-exploration left to do. She should be prepared for the fact that you might change and be supportive of that change.
CEE: I’ve been in relationships with folks 10+ years older than me and I don’t think it was even something I thought about. It was only when I was at the older side of a large age gap that I did a lot of thinking about it – the ethics of power in the relationship, etc. But I think if the relationship seems balanced in the power dept it’s fine, no matter who is older, younger, and the amount of age gap. Age isn’t nearly as big of a deal as maturity/lived experience. I can (and now prefer) to date younger because I do NOT want kids, or the traditional relationship escalation. Folks my age are often on that path and I know that’s not what I want. Make sure your life plans line up and the power dynamic feels equal. After that, go for it.
Re: age gap–I’m not saying that being born in a certain year means your core values necessarily align with those in your generation as a whole BUT I think if the gap between your ages crosses a generational line like from Millennial to X there can be more to navigate. I didn’t think being an early millennial compared to my last (mid X) partner would be a thing but eventually (along with other stuff) it was– enough to make me think twice about crossing the divide again anyway. But folks can make it work; best of luck to you, asker!
“Don’t project your fantasies of who she could be or what your lives could be like together; take the whole person in front of you and just her, and share the whole person you are, too. ”
I feel like this is excellent advice for any situation. And one that’s hard to follow, for me at least.
Anti 420 person: if the smell is what bothers you then get your 420 loving lover a vaporizer
It will help a lot
I have so many conflicting opinions about the age gap thing. As someone who grew up w parents who had a 26 year old gap, I can say that if the younger partner is emotionally able to handle it and nobody is in it to take advantage, it can actually be a good thing. It gives you the benefit of someone else’s different take. That’s why I like platonic friendships with middle aged ppl and older minorities. (I’ve given up on most older white straight ppl I know as they all turn out a bit brexit)
One thing I’d say is to make sure you don’t harbour resentments based on it. It always seems to be the insult of choice for my parents in arguments and the ageism cuts both ways.
I really like “they all turn out a bit brexit” as a succinct way to sum up your differences :D
It seems to have split everything. Although to be honest those non-family who were going to vote that way, I got rid of out of my life before that point.
I’d given up on old (unlike most youngsters I consider old to be 70+) people as friends due to knowing so many anti-immigrant, borderline racist, ableist, vaguely homophobic ones. My granddad’s one who doesn’t fit the mold and my stepdad doesn’t exactly fit it (he’s not outright prejudiced but he isn’t liberal by young people standards) but other than that I’d given up on them. But then I went to a Toni Morrison interview. Older minorities have been through so much even in comparison to younger people of the same demographics. I don’t think we can afford to leave their wisdom and experience out of the conversation.
I’m still vaguely wary of genuinely old white, heterosexual people. Not saying I can’t be their friend but they have to prove to me that they’re outside of the stereotype.
It’s split our family. My immigrant uncle won’t talk to the Brexit side of our family. He figures if they want rid of immigrants then they can start with him out of their lives. He’s more Saxon than we are (he’s German) but immigration is immigration and they wanted rid of the Europeans.
I was in the 420 situation years ago and even got an autostraddle you need help about it answered! I tried very hard and long to make it work, broke up with her eventually, and am now ridiculously happy and married to someone else who doesn’t use drugs. I thought I should be able to accept weed as a legitimate form of recreation and I should not be bothered by it. What I now realize is that just because something is a legitimate form of recreation doesn’t mean it can’t bother you, or that you have to be in a romantic relationship with someone who does it. If it bothers you, I agree with AS staff it would be great to figure out what about it bothers you and see if you can work around that. But if it just plain bothers you to be with a pot smoker (you don’t need a reason), you shouldn’t be with her, even if everything else is great.
Also: when you say “most compatible partner yet” it sounds like you’re afraid you won’t find another love. That’s not a good reason to stay with someone, although it is a common feeling in breakups.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation! I know exactly how it feels.