Welcome to the 93rd edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We do this column TWICE a month.

Every other A+ Advice box of the month is themed! Next month’s (December’s) theme is OUR ANXIETIES. What makes you anxious? Whether it’s a lifelong issue or a recent (unpleasant) surprise, let’s talk it through. Do you find that you’re anxious about saying the wrong thing or that you’re constantly ruminating on what someone else (your boss, your partner, a friend, people on the train) think of you? Are you always checking your closets for The Killer? Us, too, unfortch, but you know what, let’s get it out in the open. Get your questions about any anxieties you have into the A+ box by December 4th!

Then there are general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, where we take questions on practically any topic. You can send questions on any topic, at any time. Submit those questions into the A+ Contact Box which I’ve also embedded here:

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

This is probably a quintessential queer question, but how do you know if someone likes you? Is there any way to differentiate between, ‘oh we’re vibing as friends’, and ‘oh, we’re flirting as potential romantic partners’. The line between these seems so fine sometimes. I guess what I’m really asking is, is there any way to know if my crush is reciprocated?

A:

Em: Aside from just bluntly asking or telling them (which honestly isn’t a bad idea), my philosophy is “if they wanted to they would.” I know a lot of folks on the internet have opinions about this saying, but I believe that if someone likes you, they will show you either through consistent texts, follow-ups plans, little moments of thoughtfulness, or small physical gestures. If someone seems like they’re interested, but you’re having to make excuses about them not texting back or bailing on casual coffee meetups or not saying hi at work, those are all little indicators that they might not feel the same way you do.

Valerie Anne: If you have a crush, I would let them know sooner than later, especially if you’re getting some of the signals Em mentioned, and if you two hang out one-on-one a lot. It’s possible they’re also looking for clues to see if you’re flirting or not, regardless of if they see you as a potential romantic partner or a friend, and it’s best to clear that up as early into things as possible to avoid hurt feelings or being on different pages so long it makes friendship untenable. Plus it would suck to find out in five years you both had crushes but decided not to do anything about it and you wasted all that time just wondering! I’m a big fan of just asking; whether you slide a note across the table that says “do you like me check yes or no” or ask if they would like to go on a proper date with you; life’s too short to spend too much time wondering.

Q2:

Ideas for an anniversary present for a partner? I had an idea that was quite niche and involved a DIY art component, and I am sadly unable to get it together due to lack of supplies, time, and any semblance of artistic ability. Something not super cheesy that won’t break the bank. Any ideas?

A:

Kayla: This is really hard to answer without knowing your partner or at least knowing more about your partner! Because I really do think the best gifts — especially anniversary gifts — are super personal. The gift doesn’t have to be elaborate to be meaningful. Know your own limits; if you’re not a DIY/artsy person, don’t go that route. Sure, your partner will appreciate the effort, but I bet they’d be even more thrilled to receive something that feels more /you/, even if it’s a gift for them! What year anniversary is it? If you need some inspiration, you can always have some fun with the different anniversary gifts by year that people do. Might seem cheesy on the surface, but my friends do them and they always come up with really creative interpretations for each one. Does your partner prefer experiences to things? Think about planning a special dinner at home (so it’s not expensive as out) and make it special (with handwritten menus, flowers, candles, etc. a little goes a long way!). I have a random folder in my phone where I dump gift ideas for my partner year round, based on things she says and stuff like that. It makes it so that I’m never panicking when holidays/anniversaries/etc come along. Her birthday, Christmas, and our anniversary are all without a two-month span so being prepared helps a lot!

Drew: Kayla, I do that too!!

Nico: Here to agree with an experience! There are surely one or more things you’ve heard your partner mention that they want to do that you all just haven’t had time for. Can you plan a date involving one or more of these things? Obviously, without knowing more detail, I can’t help with super specifics, but putting in the effort to make the experience a bit more special than just doing the experience can go a long way. For example, if you’re taking a day trip somewhere (and it’s warm enough / the weather is cooperating where you are), can you also plan a romantic picnic and find a space just for that? Another favorite thing of mine to do as a special date is to visit a niche museum or historic site. There’re always these little places that are commemorating this or that or are dedicated to a very specific person / event / time period. What are your partner’s niche interests and can you map them to any little museums in your area? Admission probably won’t break the bank and you’ll both get to experience something that’s maybe a little weird and memorable — plus then you get great photos. Just in my area, if someone was into cycling, I’d take them to Bicycle Heaven which is a museum that contains…hundreds of bicycles! Do they like bones? We have the largest collection of Catholic relics in North America! Other ideas might include taking a one-off class (though these can get pricey depending on what you’re doing) or simply planning an evening at home doing multiple of your partner’s or your shared favorite activities. I feel like I’m always pressed for time, so carving out time to actually enjoy something is always really special.

Q3:

My roommate/bestie moved out over the summer and I am living alone for the first time. I’ve always been someone who prioritizes friendships over romantic partnerships, but lately it feels like my group of five close friends are all moving out of the city or becoming seriously partnered, and I don’t have a solid pod anymore. I’m not sure if I am lonely—I go to social events and have a few other friends who I see once a month, but whom I am not in constant online contact with. The solo rent has also been lowkey stressing me out, and of course it would be nice to have a romantic or platonic partner to split the costs with, and to go through the dailiness of life together. I’ve never actively sought out romantic relationships, but this seems like the fast track to intimacy and feeling known and supported, as opposed to going to community events and meeting once-removed friends, who I have a pleasant time with but who are mostly already partnered and/or not looking for serious platonic relationships. I’ve currently been filling the void with “hobbies” or more work. Should I succumb and go on a date, or how do I get over the panic of losing all my close in-person friends? Should I try to achieve more closeness with my acquaintance-like friends? TY!

A:

Em: This is truly the predicament I’ve been navigating my whole 20s and I’m not even sure there’s a black-and-white answer. I’ve been the person who’s moved and left their friends and I’ve been the friend that’s been left. Both kinda suck in their own unique way, especially if you’re doing it alone. It seems like you know that you’re going through a phase of grieving changing relationships, but knowing that doesn’t help with how to get unstuck from the solitary life of work-sleep-eat-repeat. A hobby is a good start! I’m even wondering if this hobby you’ve picked up could be made into a social thing. However, starting from scratch really can be a lot, so growing your acquaintance friends could be a solid move! That’s how I made a fair amount of friends in each place I’ve lived or been left. I straight up say to the new friend “hey we have this thing in common let’s be friends because making friends as an adult is hard.” Additionally, you could definitely start dating. I did that this year! I went into each date as a little “would I actually be friends with this person” experiment. I learned a lot about myself and I suspect if you take on new relationships, you’ll probably feel the same. Sometimes it takes a very long time, so my ultimate recommendation is patience (rolling my eyes at my own answer, but it’s true).

Drew: I really like what Em said about approaching dating from the perspective of friendship. Because I do think a lot of my closest friendships were born from dating even if we never dated seriously or even hooked up. But also if you really don’t want to date that’s okay too. You can also just look for friends who are either not partnered or aren’t always with their partner. OR you can be close friends with a couple! I’ve definitely been the platonic third to couples while single.

I’ve definitely been in the situation where it felt like everyone I knew was partnered and I was single and I felt like I was missing a certain intimacy. Of course, finding a partner of your own is one solution, but I think making an extra effort with friends — old and new — is just as viable.

Nico: Unfortunately, part of adult friendships is that they do shift over time because people move, have kids, start spending more time with partners or break up, get a new job that takes up all their time, wind up dealing with health or other crisis — but I’m sure you know all that. The thing is, it’s definitely not a you thing! Some of my favorite friendships have grown from investing more in acquaintances, so if you have people in your life who you think are cool, see if they want to hang and do more stuff together! Invite people to do things that you think align with your mutual interests! Also, yeah, sometimes dating is nice in that it can be a way to meet new people and get positive attention and intimacy from folks looking for the same! You can also decide that a romantic partnership is something you want, even if you didn’t want it in the past. It’s okay to change your perspective on your wants and needs as your circumstances change and as you get older. Everyone does that!

Q4:

How do people find and mutually grow the kind of relationships that become chosen family? I’m feeling a little disconnected as I approach a moment of change in my life.

I’m a single college senior on my own in a dorm and have been in my city for two years. Lately I’ve been overwhelmed by the semester and haven’t been going out or going to direct actions (though I’ve been supporting in other ways). I also haven’t been staying in touch with family (a consistent pattern I feel bad about because almost everyone is out of state or country and there’s so much I feel I can’t share with them) and the queer and trans people in my life—old friends I’m very close with but live out of state and new friends I mostly see at events.

It’s not that I’m unhappy, or don’t genuinely enjoy time with myself and independence, or that this isn’t a period that will pass. But it’s emphasized my desire to form long-term relationships with local queer and trans people not necessarily defined by romance or sex and built on consistent communication, mutual care/need/interdependence and helping each grow as people and show up for others.

But how do people do that when everyone’s time, energy and money is limited to different degrees under the realities of daily living?

A:

Kayla: I think hosting recurring small gatherings in your own space (if you can) is a great way to foster closer friendship. My friend has a monthly movie night in Orlando that has grown into its own little family. I started out barely knowing everyone, and now they’re my fam! The movie night setting is low stakes because it means there’s a built-in activity. It’s also a potluck, and I find food can really bring people a lot closer. A book club, recurring dinner party, or some other intimate event that happens on a regular schedule is just a great way to foster much closer relationships with acquaintances or friends. Doing it in a home rather than out increases that closeness.

Valerie Anne: I love Kayla’s ideas for how to start fostering relationships, and I’m here mostly to offer reassurance: I didn’t find my queer found family until I was in my mid-to-late 20s, a few years after graduating college and living in the same city I went to school in. It took time, and happened gradually. I found some of my closest local friends by hosting an Orphan Black fan meetup! As for fostering those friendships, I agree with Kayla, something recurring and regular is so helpful, something people can make time for and look forward to. So even when life gets too busy for a night out or a spontaneous dinner friend-date, there is dedicated time you can plan to see each other.

Nico: Kayla and Valerie are right that hosting or — if hosting isn’t possible — regularly attending a recurring event is a great way to build community. I also recommend, since you’re in a dorm so space may be limited, that you could find a space in your city that is run by queer people and become involved. This could be anything — a small local theater that puts on plays written by local queers, a queer or queer-adjacent bicycling group, a local mutual aid situation — and by showing up regularly, you get to know other people and be known to them.

Also, it’s totally normal to feel like your schedule is busy, like it fluctuates a lot and it’s hard to divide your time…because you’re in school and that’s just kind of how it is sometimes! As both Kayla and Valerie said, consistency and patience (and also lots of grace for yourself) are key.

Q5:

In search of some dykey femme fashion advice! I’m looking for comfortable and supportive shoes to wear out and about that aren’t running shoes. (Thinking social situations rather than work – at work I wear very comfy loafers, and maybe that’s a non-work option too?)

I’m femme and low-maintenance, and will tend to default to comfort. In my younger years I wore a lot of flats and boots, but didn’t think much about support. It’s not a medical necessity in my case, but I’m generally happiest at the end of the day if my shoes are supportive and comfy. Since the onset of the pandemic I’ve pretty much been in New Balances and the like. Obviously this could be a great look for someone, but I don’t love the way they pair with my outfits otherwise (which tend to center on shorts/leggings/jeans with dressy tops, or dresses and tights).

Any advice for how to branch out / any brands you like? Other kinds of shoes to think about? Thank you!

A:

Kayla: I think a pair of chelsea boots by a good brand will provide the comfort and support you’re looking for but still be a fun going out shoe! I recommend Cole Haan — though pricey, they’ll last a long time in my experience. The same brand makes a lot of nice loafers, too, and I’m not sure what style your work loafers are, but I’m sure they could also work as transition office-to-going-out shoes! I love a nice loafer or a saddle shoe/oxford for when I don’t want to wear heels.

Sa’iyda: When it comes to everyday shoes, I’m a big fan of Toms alpargatas. They have a good support, and I wear them for all kind of things that require walking or standing with a good amount of comfort. I too love a chelsea boot for a cute outfit, especially the dress/tights combo. I’m on the hunt for a new pair, and based on how much I love Toms, I keep eyeing their boots.

Carmen: I’m glad loafers have been well covered already, both by you (our letter writer) and by Kayla — because I think a pair of chunky bottomed loafers might be what you’re looking for here. I think these are cute and they’re from Easy Spirit so their arch support would be top notch I’d bet. I’m not sure where you’re living, but yeah as we get closer to December I have to agree with Kayla and Sai that your way forward might involve a boot.

I know that you mentioned concern about the support that boots apply, but in my experience it’s less about the style of shoes (ie/boots vs flats vs loafers, though admittedly flats have less support across the board) and more about the brand! Which is probably helpful to keep in mind. I also think that sometimes “supportive brands” get a bad rep as ugly (not true!) and expensive (…sometimes true, but often worth it if you can swing it), but to that I say that Birkenstocks are the pinnacle of lesbian fashion, catchy these days even with straight women, and one of the best brands around for arch support bar none. Ok so brands that make boots and also will take care of your feet: I already mentioned Easy Spirit, Sorel, Vionic, Naturalizer, or Clarks. CNN just did a whole listicle of fashion boots that are good for arch support that also might interest you! Happy shopping!

Q6:

My partner has a bad back and can no longer lay comfortably on their side. They are most comfortable on their back or belly. Any creative ideas for cuddling positions?? I miss spooning or lying on our sides face to face. It’s nice to lay my head on their chest while they lay on their back, but I don’t want to do that every single time.

A:

Em: Here’s what I got! If your partner is on their back, have them open their legs so that you can scootch your bum in, facing away from them. If you lay back, you would feel the back of your head on their chest. Depending on how long your partner’s arms are, they could reach down and cradle your head, or you could lift your arms up to cuddle their sides. Additionally, you both could lie on your stomachs and link arms or even hold hands, so basically the inverse of laying next to one another on your backs. My final suggestion depends on if your partner is comfortable sitting crossed legged. If they are, you could sit in the little spot between their cross-legs and wrap your legs around them, or vice versa. If you or them need support, you could always do this against a bed frame or couch back.

Carmen: Yes, Em! I love a good sit between crossed-legs situation, it can be so gentle and intimate. There’s opportunities for a lot of touch there (your partner caressing your shoulders, your fingers gently grazing their knees, your head resting on your partner’s thighs, their hands lightly scratching your scalp).

This is tied to my advice overall, which is that if you miss cuddling — one avenue is to explore all the other unexpected ways where you are able to have touch. Would it feel good for you and your partner if they lay on their back, and you lay your head across their stomach or lap? Imagine it as creating a sideways capital T shape. Would it feel good if they laid on their back and you laid your body over theirs or snuggled close into their side while they wrapped their arm around you? If you’re both sitting up on the bed, you can intertwine legs while you read a book. You can intertwine your fingers while you mindlessly watch TV. Touch is a powerful way of expression and there’s a lot of little and big ways you can accomplish that beyond a classic spoon as long as you’re willing to be on the lookout and get creative.

Nico: So, take anything I say with a grain of salt because I do not know the specific circumstances, and am not a physical / occupational therapist, BUT might I recommend looking into some environmental / accessibility aids for this? Like, maybe you two like to cuddle and watch TV in bed and something like a reading pillow would be helpful for your partner’s back so that you two could sit up a little, with some support, and cuddle in the way Em and Carmen have talked about, where one of you lies / sits behind the other and holds the other. The thing is, your environment should serve you, and if there are ways to arrange furniture or pillows or any other kinds of support to make it easier on your bodies to cuddle. Sending you all so much love!

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