Welcome to the 91st edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We do this column TWICE a month.

Every other A+ Advice box of the month is themed! Next month’s theme is HEALTHY DYNAMICS AND BOUNDARIES. Do you need to dive off the deep end into something scary that is perhaps really ultimately good for you? Are you unsure about whether you should confront another person about a behavior? What *would* be a good boundary for you to set in a situation? What’s reasonable? Let’s figure it out together! Deadline extended: get those questions into the A+ Priority Contact Box by Monday October 30th!

Then there are general Into the A+ Advice Boxes — like this one — where we take questions on practically any topic. You can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

Hey team! So lately I’ve been noticing a pattern where I’ll go on 3-5 dates with someone, get to know them, be having a mutually great time, and then they’ll tell me they’d rather be friends than continue dating. This is obviously totally fine (and I’ve actually made some good friends this way, so yay!), but it’s been happening pretty much back to back this year and it’s making me a LIIIIL bit paranoid that I give off some kind of Friend With A Capital F energy. I’m not much of a prolific dater in general, and take things kind of slow physically too, which I guess might be part of it. But basically my question is – is this just a part of dating that happens to everyone, or is there something I should be doing to be more date-y on my dates?! THANK YOOOU x

A:

Drew: I’m not sure if this is a part of dating that happens to everyone, but it’s definitely a part of dating that happens to me! Like you, I’ve also made some good friends this way, but also like you, before meeting my current partner I started to feel like something was wrong with how I was communicating.

I think if you want to avoid this, you can approach dating from a place of more overt flirting and physicality. Of course, even this doesn’t mean someone won’t still say they want to pivot toward a platonic friendship. And also it’s totally okay if you don’t want to stop taking things slow physically! Which brings us back to this just being an inevitability.

BUT there is some good news from my own experience. My now partner and I had been flirting on Instagram for a year before FaceTiming. (This specific circumstance brought to you by a pandemic and long distance.) Because I’d had so many experiences where flirting pivoted to friendship, I didn’t go into this with a lot of expectations. But now my girlfriend will tell me that the entire year of flirting she was into me and hoping we’d date. So what I’d say is it’s actually not a bad thing that you’re charming and likable enough that even people who don’t want to date you do want to keep you in their life. And also that at some point someone WILL want to date you and keep dating you. Then you’ll have a partner and a bunch of hot friends!

Nico: Drew is totally spot on. I think, also, it’s a big aspect to queer dating, and I think a lot of people approach dates with fellow queers with a “if the romantic feelings aren’t there, are friend feelings there?” openness. Of course, this might lead to less clarity, but it does lead to more possibilities when it comes to making lots of hot friends! So, like, does this happen to everyone? I don’t think it happens to straight people as much, but over here in our world, totally. I think, also, even if you want to be slower physically, the follow up text is key to making your intentions clear even if you were flirty on the date and went on a date! Saying things like “I had a great time, and I chickened out of saying this in person, but you are SO HOT,” can go a long way toward letting the other person know that you’re feeling them in that way. I recommend doing this right away if you’re feeling those romantic / attraction feelings for someone to try and let them know where you’re coming from so that they can think about how they feel and if they’re interested!

Kayla: I do think this is a pretty common predicament, and I don’t think it necessarily has anything to do with the way you are or not communicating or acting on these dates. I do think it’s totally fine to be super upfront even on a first date and be like “I really am looking for romantic connections right now” so that folks know friendship isn’t one of your intended goals. (Although falling into friendship is always a good outcome too!) Of course, early on you do run the risk of scaring some folks off if you’re super direct about looking for romance and not friendship if they might be unsure, but it could help weed some folks out and make it so you’re finding someone with the same primary endgoal as yourself.

Q2:

Hi, all! cw: body image, ed

So the person I am extremely into and have been seeing for a month or so is a much smaller person than me. I have always been a bigger person (both tall and broad and heavier) and she is quite petite and thin naturally. All my previous partners have looked more like me, and I have been having so many unexpected sad and upset feelings about how this size difference between my partner and me is making me feel. I cried to my best friend about it and she assured me that smaller, thinner people can legitimately be into bigger, softer bodies and it’s just patriarchy and messed up societal messaging that is making me feel this way. Still, it just feels so bad, like it can’t actually be true that my smaller partner is attracted to me. And that she would be happier with someone thinner. I have experienced mild disordered eating in the past, and I have been noticing that I have been skipping meals more often and just generally feeling guilty about food since we started seeing each other. I am afraid I will push this amazing person away because of my own insecurities, but I also don’t want to relapse into disordered eating again. Help?

A:

Riese: As a thin person who has dated people of all shapes and sizes, I’ve literally never once felt, while dating someone bigger than me, that I’d be happier with someone thinner! I cannot think of any advantages to dating another thin person, it’s a neutral possibility — there are all kinds of fun and cool and hot things about bodies of every size, smaller and larger, and I don’t think people are naturally necessarily more attracted to people who look like them or are their same size. This girl knew exactly what you looked like when she started dating you, and she chose you!

That said, I get the disordered eating fears, and have struggled with EDs in my teens and twenties and BDD. I imagine the anxiety you’re feeling about this relationship could also be triggering your ED as it’s often just the thing we revert to to feel a sense of control during stressful times. It takes a lot of self-work and therapy to break out of that kind of thinking, and I know how intense that urge to compare can be in romantic relationships, it was something that I was at first difficult, after dating men for so long (who were always bigger). One big breakthrough for me many years back was getting to a place where I made peace with the fact that what I see in the mirror is not what other people see when they look at me, and that honestly I can’t trust my own internal narrative about myself, so I should really just discount it altogether! Obviously that’s not the absolute best most body-posi place to land on all this, but it’s a place to start — you don’t have to agree with her thinking you are super hot in order to believe wholeheartedly that she (or anyone!) thinks you are super hot. But also, I’d really strongly suggest assuming everyone thinks you’re hot. That post is really important and accurate. Another good post to read is this one because I think it’s valuable to think about how irrelevant the precise size of our body is, in the big picture.

The world is filled with people who think you’re hot just the way you are, and objectively there’s nothing more or less attractive about a body based on its size. Stop skipping meals and be hot!!!

Q3:

How does one do everything? I see y’all with your eight hobbies and this job and sometimes a day job too and I’m just here with an allotment made of weeds. What’s your advice on managing your time in the medium term – jobhobbiesfriendshousestuffBigGoals – all together?

A:

Drew: The first thing I’ll say is social media is a lie. I’ll just speak for myself, but I also struggle with balancing everything and often feel quite stressed about whether I’m giving the right attention to all of my responsibilities and relationships.

I do think basic things like to-do lists help, not just as an organizational tool but as an exercise in setting priorities and realistic expectations. No one can do everything. What’s important is communicating with yourself and the people around you about what can be done and when. For example: instead of ignoring a text from a friend asking to hang out, responding that you’re in the midst of a busy week but would love to do something the following week.

It’s different if the issue is that you’re having a difficult time motivating yourself to do anything. (I’ve been there too. Yay depression.) When I’m in that kind of rut, I try to focus on tasks that are easy to do or that I know I’ll enjoy. I’ll do laundry or the dishes. I’ll add watching a certain movie I’ve been meaning to check out to my to-do list as if it’s work. If I’ve been having a hard time getting myself to socialize, I’ll make casual plans with a close friend who won’t mind doing something low-key. It’s kind of like when I’m in a phase where I haven’t been reading much so I start reading an action-packed novella to re-energize my muscles back into that task.

Carmen: My approach is even smaller-scale than Drew’s — I just try to do like, one thing a day. That’s it. If I’m overwhelmed by the prospect of doing all the things (which happens to me a lot, a side effect of my own depression!), then I try to focus on just doing one thing. Well, work + one thing. Because we have bills that have to be paid and rent is due on the first.

But if you think about it, if you do one thing a day — that’s at least 30 things in a month, which is one helluva head start on any chore/hobby/task/goal you could think of. And honestly what happens is that if you do one thing a day, you don’t stop at one thing. Energy begets energy. Doing one thing a day will snowball into two things, then five things. But for me, thinking about it that way is too hard. I start with: Today I am going to finally unpack that suitcase I left absently in my living room (this is my real today task), tomorrow I am finally going to get fresh apple cider from the cider mill (this is my real tomorrow task), Saturday I am going to do… well, I don’t know yet! But Sunday I am going to do my laundry. And so on.

Admittedly it’s a bit of a slow and steady approach, but if I can fit even one more cliché into this answer, it’s not the speed of the race that matters. It’s the fact that you got it done.

Riese: I really appreciate Drew and Carmen’s advice because the truth is I don’t get anything done or balance anything, so all I can offer you is solidarity

Nico: I also feel you in the department of not being able to balance everything. When I have my shit together enough to remember to do this, I look at everything that is being asked of me in a day and what I want or need to do and then try to identify the actual top priorities. On a day off these might be like a) pay bills because they’re due, b) go to the gym c) work on personal writing. I might have other things on my to-do list, but I’m going to prioritize those three things and give myself permission to deprioritize things that are not the top goals for that day because I do have a tendency to make lists that are longer than what is humanly possible to accomplish in a given period. For balance, I try not to have the same top goals for each day. I do this for personal things and for work things. Sometimes, a goal might just be “friend time,” and that might mean no writing (or even no chores) gets done because my free time after work is spent with a friend. Similarly, if I need to have a cleaning day, I might just say that it’s a no for spontaneous hang outs or that they need to be limited or that I’m only going to do them if I really want to. At work, I might take one day to get a lot of perks mailed out, and then spend another day sending and answering 100 emails and help tickets because doing something piecemeal makes it more difficult and less efficient.

Back in the personal realm, if I’m tempted by a new hobby (because who among us), I ask myself if it slots into things I already do (like, sure, I can pickle things, but I also already cook a lot) or if it’s completely new (we are not going to be, for example, starting an Etsy shop because that is a wholly different situation than any of my current non-work activities), just to make sure I’m not sidelining my current goals with shiny objects. And even then, due to social media and internal expectations and the idea that I am not worthy of being alive unless I contribute and work and improve constantly — I still feel like I’m falling short. So, also, it’s about mindset! And it’s really difficult to shift that mindset when social media appears to be predicated on presenting a lot of the absolute best of someone’s life in a curated and perfect fashion!

And to the allotment full of weeds! Because I love gardening! You can also combine gardening and friendship. I know a few people who go in on gardening spaces together and make it a social thing if that’s a vibe you’re into. Then, you can play music, weed together, take breaks together, grow vegetables together, harvest together, cook together. Just a thought! But also, if you just take baby steps, like Carmen said, even just one thing a day, try to check in on friends, maybe even just once a week. Take an afternoon to clear out the weeds in the allotment before spring gets here and count it as exercise for the day. Celebrate your small wins! Identify what makes you happiest and do more of that! Also, you don’t have to have a ton of hobbies. Some people do a lot of things and some people do a few and that’s really just a matter of personal taste. Sending love!

Kayla: I agree with Drew: Social media is a lie! One time, my mother asked me how I’m “always socializing/having fun/on vacation/partying” and I almost had a mental breakdown because I was like…………I work ALL THE TIME lol. It’s true I have a lot of side projects, creative practices, a full-time job, side gigs, etc etc, but it’s not true that I’m nailing every single one of those things all the time. I am a constant work in progress when it comes to making sure my personal relationships don’t suffer as a result of me spreading myself too thin with all the different shit I do. I have to check in with myself regularly. Sometimes, I have to come up with little hacks to make certain tasks easier. For example, when my fiancee and I recently decided to combine date nights with doing wedding planning tasks, it made a huge difference. I was actually able to be MORE present on our date nights even though they began with tasks, because I wasn’t stressing about those tasks and deadlines looming over me.

Q4:

There’s a girl I really like, but the more I get to know her the more I’m stumped by the age old queer question – does she like me or is she just being friendly? Any advice on how to tell if someone is interested in you would be greatly appreciated!

We haven’t known each other long, and in that time she’s been in several short term relationships after a previous much longer relationship broke apart. She’s currently dating someone, and I’m not looking to break them up or anything like that. I don’t begrudge anyone’s happiness, but I’m confused by how she interacts with me. I’d love it to be something more than friendship, but I’m also very aware I could be reading too much into this (she is far more extroverted than I am lol).

Feel free to tell me I’m overthinking things, or that there is hope – any guidance is good!

A:

Carmen: Ok so before I answer this advice question, I think there’s some details we don’t here (because I also do not want you out here breaking up a happy home, my friend!) — and the biggest question is if this person and the person she’s currently dating are poly? Do they have an open relationship? Are they monogamous? And I’m going to answer it using two different tracks based on that.

First, if this person is poly and/or in an open relationship, I’m going to call this a yellow light. If you think they’ve been flirting with you or into you, but you can’t quite tell, the only way you’re going to find out is if you ask them. It’s comical how often the answer is really that simple (“take a deep breath and ask them”) and as queer people, for a lot of reasons, we are afraid to take that approach. And listen, I get it! I have been there and also I am often still there and I will be there again. I’m sure there’s a lot of internalized homophobia at the root, and fears we’ve been taught about queer people being “predatory,” not growing socialized to outwardly express desires, and just plain fear of vulnerability and heartbreak! All of that is very real, but the adage that “closed mouths don’t get fed” exists for a reason. If you want to know, just ask. Then you’ll know.

Of course, if this person is in a monogamous relationship, then I’m going to call that a red light. Do not pass go. I’m sorry but if a person in a monogamous relationship with someone else, who has also been in multiple other relationships while you both have been talking, is giving what you’re perceiving to be mixed signals in your communication — I cannot in good faith tell you to go forward with it, because there is an incredibly high risk of heartbreak in your future if you do. If this is the situation you find yourself in, my advice is to journal about it, tell your best friend about this crush, get it out of your system (in any way that does not directly involve this person) and close this emotional book. And, once you’ve done that, you might still be able to be friends with her this way, if you’re good with it! But in terms of a romantic relationship? If they are in a monogamous partnership with someone else, time is just not on your side at this juncture.

In either scenario, I hope you’re gentle with yourself as you navigate it! No matter which route you find yourself on, you’re walking it with you, you know? So please remember that and take care of yourself first.

Drew: Yeah, if she is currently in a monogamous relationship — no matter how short term — then it’s probably best to try to accept her for now as a friend. If that relationship ends then you can certainly ask her. I’m sorry to say but that’s probably the only way to get your answer. People are so different in terms of flirting with intention vs. flirting without intention vs. not flirting, you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how someone feels about you.

In my experience, if someone isn’t obviously into me then, it’s not worth waiting around or hoping a friendship turns into something more. But I know a lot of people who have had different experiences! I do think, even for them, direct communication is the only solution though.

Nico: Agree that some people just come across as flirty by nature, and that’s just their vibe, and I really love those friends! They are often really fun people. As Drew and Carmen have said here, the key is really, like, what this person’s relationship style is. If they’re monogamous, just let things lie. If they’re open / poly, then there’s room to say “Hey, I’m feeling some attraction to you. I love being friends with you and don’t need anything to change, but I did want to put that out there so you knew.” Also, just a note that if they are poly, then “breaking them up” probably is really not on the table, but open communication certainly needs to be!

Q5:

niche queer art question. just stumbled across this poster and I was like wow I love this but I cannot falsely advertise myself as a bottom. have any of you ever seen any fun prints/posters/art that focuses on being a switch! asking for my bedroom walls. thanks xoxo

A:

Carmen: I love a niche art project! And as a fellow vers/switch, I wish I had an answer for you — I started doing some click arounds and I haven’t seen anything cute yet. But I wanted to say that I see you and I also want for this! Maybe someone else will have an answer for us. (I have a lot of Jenifer Prince art in my home, which is not switch/top/bottom specific, but is incredibly gay and makes my walls happy)

Nico: I am excited to see what people post in the comments. Personally, I love to troll Etsy for things like this, but I had such a hard time finding exactly what you’re looking for! We are lacking switch / vers themed art! I did find a few things with a minimal text-based vibe:

This Lavender Menace Poster
This Gay Poster
This Gay Liberation Front Poster

Who’s got an Etsy shop, printing equipment, and a vision???

Kayla: Yes to more switch representation in art!!!!! (I’m not a switch, but y’all are great lol and deserve cute gay art.) I feel like there could be something cheeky involving a light switch…also this could be a good opportunity for you to commission a queer artist if you have something specific in mind!

Q6:

It feels harder to be queer in America these days. I have been incredibly lucky, growing up with a supportive family, finding a great community in my liberal city, and being comfortably out to my coworkers at almost all of my jobs. The growing backlash against our community feels so hard and confusing after the progress we made in the 2010s. I find myself nervous about putting up a pride flag outside my rental house and becoming on edge at larger public queer gatherings. Some of this is probably exacerbated by being close friends with a couple of gun violence survivors. Any tips on what to do or how to cope? How can I feel more optimistic, like how I felt with my girlfriend at the time when we found out gay marriage was legalized? I miss the (privileged) feeling that things were on the right track.

A:

Nico: This is hard to answer! In so many ways, the “progress” wasn’t really that, right? If you’re “given” rights and presumed safety and inclusion that can be taken away whenever, then what do you really have or what did you ever have? Part of the problem, with the legalization of gay marriage and the “progress” of the Obama years is that it feels like it split the community in some ways, between people who are privileged enough that marriage equality seemed like one of the last hurdles on the way to assimilation and the people who are not willing to or able to assimilate into heteronormative society. And things are increasingly worse for trans people these days, and we have to fight like hell for trans people.

Now, the fears around gun violence are tough because that is objectively frightening. I’ve recommended it before and will again, but one of the best things to do to feel at least somewhat more prepared (sad, I know) when it comes to potential gun violence is to attend a Stop the Bleed training. You can look these up in your city. As for being on edge at gatherings, do you have a friend (or maybe your girlfriend?) who you can talk to about these feelings and who might be a good person to go and grab some air with you when you’re feeling like the place is setting off your internal alarms. It’s also okay to *not* go to something if you’re not feeling up for it.

As for getting that optimism back, I don’t know if that’s possible. But I do think that if you continue to involve yourself in your community — maybe even intentionally go deeper, if you find ways to plug in and look out for others, if you show up and protest transphobes, engage in other kinds of organizing, then there will be moments of joy and togetherness and maybe even small accomplishments that you can mark. I’ve also seen processing or support groups popping up for LGBTQ people coping with grief around our current cultural environment. I’d look around, ask friends. If you can’t find one, you could also start your own, even just a gathering for those close to you to process together. Be the support you need. Sending you love <3

Q7:

Fashion advice please!
I am going to a family wedding with my girlfriend in November. It is going to be my first time meeting any of their family, who have been varying levels of supportive of our relationship and their queer identity. (Mother of the groom aka gf’s mom knows we are dating and is choosing to call us really good friends…that’s for another advice box) But the bride and groom want both of us there! So!

Now for the fashion: the dress code is cocktail attire/semi-formal. The ceremony will be a mid-day Catholic mass in fall in the mid-Atlantic. I want something modest so I don’t scandalize my gf’s family, but I’m not sure what else I should be looking for in terms of what cocktail/semi-formal means. My style has been described as crunchy-granola birkenstock lesbian mixed with Ms. Frizzle and I’m comfortable (and love) both dresses and jumpsuits. But my “fancy” shoes are basically all Dansko clogs. Can clogs be semi-formal?? Also, is it acceptable to wear black to a wedding?

I would just like some outfit ideas so that I can refine my thrift-store perusing. I know I am way overthinking this because of the meet-the-conservative-family aspect, so any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

A:

Carmen: I grew up going to Catholic schools and Catholic functions in the Midwest, and fall is my favorite all-time season, so I am your girl!
First of all — CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BIG FAMILY MEET! I know that a lot of nerves must be bubbling up right now, especially with the “various levels of support” but I am glad that yall are going and that the Bride and Groom have committed to showing up for yall and your relationship! Let’s start there.

Second, I have to admit that I needed to google Dansko clogs, but now that I have, I think you’re good to go? Especially if you happen to have a pair that is A) Black and/or B) with a back on them? These read as very sensible, but also conservative shoes like the kind that every Auntie in every church wears. The fact that they double as gay is honestly a bonus?

In terms of outfits, I have even better news for you, which is that a lot of eccentric Catholic aunts and school teachers have an aesthetic that could easily be described as Ms. Frizzle. I don’t know if you have a tone of experience in Catholic families/culture (I couldn’t tell from your question), but I think there is a perception that religious people are very stoic and stodgy? For a lot of good reasons, which we all know. But Catholic-style fashion, especially for mass, puts an emphasis on sensibility (which aligns well with what you’re describing as “crunchy-granola birkenstock lesbian” haha) and there’s definitely room for eccentricity in there. You mentioned being a fan of both dresses and jumpsuits, I have a hard time imagining that either of those options wouldn’t work! I would recommend covering up cleavage and shoulders if you wouldn’t have already thought to do so. Some very strict Catholics also cover heads for women in church, but honestly that’s a rarity these days. And I don’t know if you have any tattoos, but depending on how conservative this family is, you might want to think about items of clothing that will allow you to cover those as well if that’s something you want to do.

(I say a lot of “if you want to do” because honestly You Do You! And you will be great, regardless! But you wrote in asking for advice about dressing for a Catholic wedding with various levels of gay acceptance, so I am here doing that. Ok!)

In terms of outfit specifics, I don’t know what silhouettes you’re most interested in so I’m going to take a few stabs in the dark here, but I did like: This black jumpsuit from Eloquii with suit buttons, this long dress from Chico’s with an oversized flower print, and this turtleneck sheath dress with flower print from Macy’s. You can also go in completely different directions/colors while you thrift! But you’ll notice that all of these options have black in them because guess what? You can absolutely wear black to a wedding!!

Nico: Carmen really has it here, but I just want to reiterate as someone who grew up Catholic that, yeah, Catholic wedding looks are like…conservative in terms of covering the bod, but there’s also a lot of room for glam. So, in this case, I think if you want to dress up a look, you can also think about your accessories, which can also be thrifted. So, if a dress / suit / jumpsuit reads as a bit more casual, you can take it up to wedding level by adding some more formal jewelry and a formal bag. Also, hair styling matters! If you do your hair in any kind of way, it will help pull the look together. (I don’t know what this could mean for you, but like, short hair, you can add a barrette for some additional sparkle, longer or medium hair can be styled so that it’s not just laying naturally but maybe has an additional element or two, or it can be put up in some kind of way — you know your hair best!)

Kayla: Wow Carmen really knocked it out of the park here lol. I do think Dansko clogs in black are acceptable, but if you wanted to go slightly dressier while still maintaining a little bit of the same style/comfort, might I recommend a chunky black loafer? I found some on sale as well.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!