Welcome to the 89th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We do this column TWICE a month.

Every other A+ Advice box of the month is themed! We’re following up the HOTBOX with the theme…SEX AND DESIRE. Technically it’s the second time we’ve had a sex-themed advice box, but the last one published in May 2022 and I have to imagine folks might have run into some questions between then and now! We’re also adding DESIRE here because why not get cerebral? Are you queer? Do you have questions about sex? Those questions are queer sex questions. And I don’t just mean technical how-do-you-do-x questions, though those are more than welcome. Feel free to get heady, to get heart-y, to go deep and wide and expansive and on all the wild paths of your desires and the ways you both do and do not and want to fulfill them. EXTENDED: Please get your questions in by Monday, September 11th!

Then there are general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic. You can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

I’m separating from my straight cis husband. Before meeting him 18 years ago, I had very limited romantic experiences outside of dating straight cis men. Now I’m openly out, and excited to explore my bisexuality. However I’ve never gone much further than second base with a woman or nonbinary person, and I’m feeling like a noob.

Also, I haven’t had sex with my husband in more than 4 years because he no longer found me attractive. I have told myself that was his problem, not mine. But unfortunately his fatphobia sunk into me more than I wanted it to. I know that I’m attractive, and yet there’s a voice inside me questioning if anyone I like will find me sexy.

So what do I need to know about queer sex as a beginner? Seriously, tell me everything. And do you have any advice about overcoming worries that no one will think I’m attractive?

A:

Nico: I am definitely going to leave the “tell me everything” part of queer sex up to the many archives on our website. I recommend checking out this workshop on HAVING QUEER SEX FOR THE FIRST TIME a workshop which was only made possible by A+ members (and the continual video hosting is, also, made possible with your support). The post itself also contains a lot of useful links for getting ready for all the hot queer sex you want to be having.

So that is relatively easy, actually. What’s harder is working through the damage that literal years of being in a relationship where you weren’t appreciated will do to a person. I’m so sorry you went through that! You deserve to feel hot and sexy and to be with people who you feel the same way about. Your ex might have been fatphobic, but there are many, many people you can date, hook up with, smooch and smash who aren’t! I don’t know what to tell you besides to go for it and while you’re going for it, to coach yourself on the fact that you are hot. You are! What exactly is “it”? It’s going to queer events, meeting queer cuties, going on dates, putting yourself out there. Sure, you’ll have not so great experiences, but hopefully, you’ll also have some fun ones that reinforce just how sexy you are. I think, also, when you’ve experienced a lot of unkindness, the best thing you can do is to be gentle with yourself. Protect yourself like a dear friend. Give yourself the boundaries you would tell a friend to have, the pep talks, the advice, the love. Date yourself, too. I’m wishing you tons of luck and I’m excited for you!

Carmen: I also just wanted to add (Nico already gave excellent advice here!) — feel free to also write back again as you get going. We have literally had A+ members use the inbox to say, “I just had sex for the first time and I needed someone to tell!” and I promise you, we cheer every time. You are fucking hot. Literally! Without seeing you, I know — you are sexy as hell. Try to tell yourself that every day. You have a lot of great sex ahead of you, and honestly? Even fumbling through the beginning stages of that great sex can be hot if you let it.

PS: This is my favorite “how to have sex” chart, just for funsies.

Q2:

It’s my birthday in a few months. The other night I had this wild idea to celebrate by going to a queer bar with a sign that says “It’s my birthday, come kiss me.” Is this a good idea (i.e., will anyone actually take me up on it or would it just look weird/pathetic)? And if it is a good idea, advice on how to attach a sign that is a) visible and b) still allows me to dance?

A:

Kayla: I do not think it would be weird or pathetic! I think it’s fun and cute! And just anecdotally based on some stories I’ve heard, I think it’s becoming more popular to be super forward with flirting! A friend of mine recently started handing out dating “business cards,” as an example. As for logistics, I think you should make a shirt/have a shirt made! You can do this with iron ons (which you can buy from a craft store) or puffy paint or even, in a pinch, just fabric markers. Literally write it on your shirt! I have a couple friends who make extremely specific comfort shirts for SO MANY DIFFERENT OCCASIONS, and it always serves as a great bit of memorabilia after the fact. Then you don’t have to worry about it getting in the way of dancing (or kissing, for that matter).

Riese: I did this like “25 kisses for my 25th birthday” project at Girl Nation in New York (a saturday night queer dance party in mid-town) when I turned 25, like with a tally with sharpies on my arm, because it had somehow become a thing we kept seeing at the bar, girls doing this, and everybody thought it was fun. The girl I was dating at the time and my best friend thought this was unarguably the best idea ever, also all my friends came and because it was a queer social group of absolute chaotic messes in our mid-twenties, I’d already hooked up with most of them so quick revisitations of those events took care of a lot of the numbers. Also one of the girls who kissed me then kissed my best friend and then they briefly dated, so that was a happy ending. Anyhow so no, I don’t think you’re weird! I love the idea of having it on a shirt so people can approach you if they want to, that feels like a great way to ensure things are consensual.

Nico: Wow I love both of these ideas for execution here. HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAVE FUN.

Carmen: Deeply here for HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! HAVE FUN!!

Q3:

Hello! Wondering if anyone can give any tips. I am a good 6 inches taller than my partner and I love to wear heels so sometime’s I’m closer to 8-9 inches taller. Any fun cute tips on how to pose together in photos? I always feel like I’m just towering over her and it looks slightly comical, so then I’ll scrunch my body inwards and it never looks right. It feels like this is very much a thing in the queer community – super tall femme, short masc of centre partner. It’s not that serious, this is meant to be light and fun maybe :). Thanks AS!

A:

Heather: I’m nine inches taller than my wife without heels, so I understand your struggle! (I mean, not your struggle as a heel-wearer, but your height-difference conundrum.) Some cute ideas are: Have her sit in your lap! Have her stand on a step or slope nearby! Wrap your arms around her from behind like a prom pose! Both of you sit down! Face each other and you lean down and she goes up on her tip-toes, kiss or smoosh your foreheads together! You can use props like little step-stools or a bucket or something and just crop them out! Or don’t even worry about it; height differences are super cute!

Nico: You’re absolutely right that the tall femme, short MOC partner combo is a classic for a reason! It just happens. I am here to affirm you should absolutely not scrunch your body inwards. Stand up hot and tall! I think, in addition to the poses Heather mentioned, you can also be mindful of making sure your poses in the shots are cute and interactive. Can your partner hold her palm up for you to rest your hand in? What if you casually drape your arm over her shoulder while standing behind her? Sometimes, leaning into a height difference with confidence can make the photos all the cuter!

Kayla: A photographer recently introduced me to the idea of “soft posing” for photos, which basically means, sure, arranging yourself in a particular way but not being super aggressive about posing and instead situating yourself with a partner in a way that feels true to how you situate yourselves just in life. So instead of standing side by side or one in front of the other, doing things like turning toward each other, almost dancing with each other, just interacting in a way that is closer to real life rather than how you’d pose for a photo. It’s a way to make yourselves feel more comfortable and also just look natural, which might smooth over any awkwardness either of you feel about the height difference. Also, for context, there’s about 5 inches of difference between me and my partner but more relevantly, my parents also have a significant height difference! Short dad, tall mom who wears heels frequently. They do take a lot of photos that are technically posed but look almost candid (soft posing!), and it makes the height difference less pronounced. But yeah I agree with everyone that you shouldn’t scrunch! Embrace the height difference! I think height differences are so cute!

Riese: I can’t believe so many people answered this question before me, a 5’10 person in a world of 5’5′ people

Q4:

Hey, I’ve been feeling a lot of stress and fear living in the US as a visibly queer person. After some thought, I think I would feel less fear if I felt slightly more prepared for a bad situation, and since I don’t think I could fight physically, I want to learn de-escalation tactics, and also how to not freeze in the event of a possible assault. Can you recommend me any resources for either?

A:

Nico: Resources! First of all, when it comes to community defense, the more people who attend stop the bleed trainings, the better. You never know — and not to be too dark, but it’s not just important info in case of a shooting, but it can also help you save a life after a car or other type of accident.

I don’t know where you live, but I know that locally to me, some folks are organizing queer-specific self-defense classes that include both non-physical de-escalation tactics and physical self-defense tactics for beginners. It might be good to start looking around to see if there’s anything like this in your area. I’d check with local trans led orgs, or sometimes if you have a local chapter of a John Brown Gun Club, they might have some self-defense trainings. I know you said that you don’t think you can “fight” physically, but there are still physical things you could learn, like what to do if you’re grabbed — and again, first aid and stop the bleed training are really good to have! Here are also some very basic resources on verbal de-escalation techniques.

Finally, finally, outside of being prepared as an individual, I cannot recommend enough tapping into your community. If you’re not already, you might want to consider getting involved with local mutual aid groups. When you’re working alongside and surrounded by other, like-minded people, you’re safer because you’re in community. And also, mutual aid, in whatever ways you might choose to dive in, strengthens a community’s ability to keep its members safe, housed, fed, treated medically — all the things — in spite of whatever state or rightwing prosecution (and liberal apathy) you might see coming down around you. Spend time with your friends. Reach out and check on people who you know might be prone to depression or anxiety and feeling similarly. Sending you so much love! Stay safe out there and take care of yourself and someone else, too if you can!

Q5:

I’m a white cis gay woman who works at a community center that serves a diverse population who are mostly people of color. I love my job except for one issue that continues to come up: the center is incompetent when it comes to trans awareness and support. My wife is trans so it’s important to me. Several of my coworkers are also trans. When we have trans clients, I’m always concerned about the quality of support they receive here, as it’s dependent on which staff member they happen to be working with. They are often deadnamed in our data systems, and staff/other clients use the wrong pronouns frequently. Every time I attempt to speak up about this issue, I’m told our org is focusing on RACIAL equity and treated as though I’m trying to distract from that by bringing some personal pet project that I care about just because I’m queer — even though this IS an issue of racial equity because of our many trans POC staff and clients!! Our HR team is nice but they seem clueless when it comes to this and honestly don’t even seem to get what I am saying. Our staff comes from a diversity of cultural backgrounds, generations, etc. I have a lot of motivation (read: anger) to advocate around this issue but feel stuck on where to start. I’m cis and in no way an “expert” on this and am nervous about overstepping. I know I am far from alone in my frustration. How can I effectively mobilize my queer colleagues and allies who feel similarly to me, and what specifically should we be advocating for our org to do? ANY advice, resources, training ideas, etc is DEEPLY appreciated.

A:

Riese: I wonder if you could bring in an outside facilitator to do a training on trans inclusion, ideally a QTPOC person who could speak to the importance of creating safe spaces for trans people within racial equity spaces as well and could speak from personal experience. (I know often these trainings aren’t done by people from the communities being spoken about, which I’ve become super wary of!)

You could also speak directly to your queer co-workers and be like, hey it feels to me like this org is dropping the ball when it comes to trans inclusion and awareness, do you feel that way too? I’m happy to spearhead a committee or group putting together new policies or recommendations or leading trainings.

It’s possible your trans co-workers don’t want to feel like it’s on them to lead the charge or it’s possible that they very much want there to be a charge but feel, even moreso than you do, that they might be seen as having a ‘pet project’ or they’re used to being steamrolled when they advocate for themselves. Or they are simply tired of having to do so.

I think a lot of cishet people are so afraid of getting something wrong when it comes to trans terminology that they avoid it altogether, so I think it’s also important that whatever you do do, you establish yourself or another well-versed person on your team as a ‘safe space’ of someone to approach with awkward questions about trans stuff, things that they might be afraid to ask, and give them open-hearted answers. People will get pronouns wrong, they just will, that is how people are, but making sure everyone is aware that they should be trying harder to get them right is important.

Carmen: I agree with Riese’s advice, but also wanted to explicitly say that the fear of doing something “wrong” so often freezes cis people. And that is never an excuse! Don’t get stuck on “I don’t know where to start” when the most important part is starting itself.

I also wanted to give a reminder (I don’t know the specifics of your workplace, but you mentioned being a white person in a diverse organization that serves majority people of color, with a focus on racial equity) that it’s also important to be aware of the specific web of privileges that you occupy in any community space. If you are a white person in a majority POC space, for just one example, it is vitally important to listen before you speak. Ditto of course as a cis person who hopes to advocate on behalf of the trans members in your community. But I wanted to highlight the specific racial nuances at play here because there can be assumptions — again speaking generally! — that people of color communities are more transphobic or homophobic than white ones. And those assumptions can come into play unintentionally, especially if privileges aren’t also being paid attention to.

That also doesn’t mean that POC communities can’t enact transphobic harm! We have the same ignorances, missteps, and roadblocks as every other person or community. Assuming that people of color are uniquely harmful or that we are mythological superheroes are two sides of the same racist coin. But understanding the community-specific reasons why, for example, there are members of your organization who say things like “we are focused on RACIAL equity and everything else is a distraction to that goal” — as opposed to potentially making any unearned assumptions — that will also help you go a long way as you begin, I’d imagine.

Riese: Yes, everything Carmen said! Be very conscious of your approach and privileges depending on the various intersectional identities of the specific co-workers you are speaking to.

Q6:

Any tips on how to help a new living situation feel like home?

I’m an introverted homebody who has lived with a rotating cast of roommates in the same place for a long time. When my partner and I got serious, she moved in as well. We’ve kept separate bedrooms, and during the pandy our bedrooms also became each of our home offices.

My partner and I recently made the decision to get a place just the 2 of us. This was for many reasons (wanting to avoid the uncertainty of always trying to figure out a new roommate, feeling financially ready to be homeowners, wanting more space, nervousness about rent going up).

I know we are SO privileged to have been able to purchase a small place, but I am GOING THROUGH IT trying to move out of this apartment!! Packing up my bedroom left me a griefstricken ball on the floor. I’m feeling resentful of the new place – which *I MYSELF* wanted/fought for/invested my life savings in !!! – because it feels like it’s taking me away from Home.

I’m also anxious about no longer having “My Room” – we’ll be sharing the bedroom and while I’m really looking forward to it bringing us more closeness, I’m anxious about no longer having a corner of the world that is only-mine – my bedroom was my haven. I’m feeling a lot of dread and loss about this move, and fear that I’ll be homesick, or it won’t really feel like my home. I’m not good at interior design stuff and lost on how to help myself re-create the sense of home that I’m losing. Advice for my sad heart?

A:

Heather: I, too, am an extreme introvert and understand this struggle completely. It sounds to me like you’ve got a couple of excellent things working in your favor. Number one, your partner clearly likes having their own space as well, so you’re probably just going to need to open up communication with them and figure out how you can both still have what you need in that area. Number two, you’ve already lived together and established what feels like Home to you, so you already know you’re capable of getting to that place together. Number three, your partner seems very capable of existing on their own in the same space as you so there’s no reason to think they’re suddenly going to be crawling all over you every second of every day. To me it sounds like an ideal situation because you already know what works, and now you can just talk openly about that and incorporate any changes you’ve been wanting, even if that’s just some new throw pillows. I need an enormous amount of alone time, and a lot of times that means I want to be in a different room than my wife, but also my introvert needs are met when we’re doing parallel play, like in the same room doing two different things. We do this ALL the time. I think it’s one of the things that makes our relationship so special, and it seems like you have that too!

Nico: When it comes to interior design of the new space, definitely design your space for how you and your partner use it — not in the ways you think you’re “supposed” to use a space. This might help you find some spaces that you can each have as your special / personal spaces in the new place. Just as an example — does the new place have something that’s supposed to be a dining room? Do you really think you need that to be a dining room? Can you divide it down the center and put your desks on either side, even put up a screen or some really tall plants to delineate space? When you think about what you want / need the space to be, and work from there, the hope is that you’ll get an end result that is functional and comforting and emotionally helpful for ~you.

Q7:

Hey team, not sure if this falls under advice or question, but what I’m really looking for is a recommendation, so I’ll get to the point!

Recently, we have been into massage as foreplay and have a bottle of oil that has been sufficient. However, I wouldn’t mind splurging a little on something more luxurious to make her feel like a queen! In your opinion, what are some of the best sensual massage oils you have tried? No allergy concerns with either of us, so any and all suggestions are appreciated!

A:

Nico: You know what I recommend? Massage oil with CBD in it. I don’t really have a specific brand recommendation, but I do think the CBD makes the massage more effective. Personally, it’s sensual if someone’s muscles ultimately come out feeling kind of better, right?

Massage oil candles are also super sensual. The oil comes out pleasantly warm and you’ve got the bonus of filling the air with a mood-setting scent. Enjoyeeee.

Riese: Yes also seconding the massage oil candles recommendation!

Q8:

I’m going to be a therapist in the near future (starting social work school this fall!), and What Do I Wear? Not necessarily this year in my field placement, but like, what do queer therapists wear? I have some arm tattoos that are big & colorful, which I don’t intend to cover because I run hot, but otherwise, what’s a good mix between neutral and me? My non-work outfit is dark wash jeans, a jewel-toned sleeveless top that either has a fun pattern or texture, and some booties or slip-on shoes and dangly earrings. Is there a way to make this a lil more business casual?

A:

Carmen: First of all, congratulations on your next steps and starting school this fall! Second, I have extremely great news for you — which is that depending on what kind of practice you end up in, there is a lot of room in what you described above to move from “casual casual” into “business casual.”

Jewel tones already have a lot of inherent richness to them, which makes them easy to dress up. A key here will be fabric, I suspect. You might expect I’m going to tell you to get some satin (and if that’s your vibe, you certainly can) but honestly good weight cottons will get you just as far and potentially be more budget friendly, if you’re early in your career — or a student! — and that’s a concern. What you want to think of is less “vintage thread-bare t-shirt” and more “would this pair well with dress pants.” You mentioned textures in your question, so you might already be attuned to the line I’m talking about.

This also brings us to pants! Depending on exactly how dark the wash of your jeans, or the kind of practice you end up eventually working at, dark jeans can be dressed up to a business casual with the right kind of footwear and top. But I also want to recommend here that you look into fabric-based pants (linen-cotton blends in the warmer months can play well), because those instantly sell “I’m here for work.” They can also be of a tapered/structured variety, or flowy and loose fitting, depending on your personal style, and in both situations you will look dressed up.

You mentioned dangly earrings and earrings will pull together any outfit (which I suspect you already know, I’m projecting a little here but your style does sound very similar to my own and I love using earrings to pull something together!). So based on that, my last suggestion is going to be shoes. You mentioned booties or slip ons, and both of those have “business casual” potential. Much like your jewel-toned shirts, key here is going to be material. I think black/brown leather (or vegan leather) should get you where you need to go. I recommend that direction over canvas. I’d also look into loafers, especially if they had a chunky or platform bottom, if that might your style

Basically, this is a very long and detailed ramp up to a very simple point: My friend in every way, your style already sounds pretty business casual to me! I think what you’re mostly going to be looking for are tweaks, not a full makeover. I would not worry about visual tattoos (unless you work someplace conservative, you would know that best) — therapists have a lot of leeway in my experience. Congrats again on being the hot gay therapist all the other gays get to thirst over.

Q9:

If you’re up for reading bafflingly hyper-specific lists of qualities, do y’all have advice on playing with gender through fashion as a short, fat person who’s usually read as a woman and doesn’t want to either draw attention to their chest or deal with the physical discomfort of compressing it (by binding or bras)?

I’d like to flamboyantly mix elements traditionally thought of as masculine and feminine and experiment more with texture. I already know I love bright patterns (I’m in a bit of a button up rut) and I’m trying to re-introduce myself to hard pants.

Recommendations for style inspiration sources featuring pieces that can be worn multiple ways might be more helpful than specific stores.

(Because I’m a little wary of online shopping since finding the right fit is hard—though I recognize that’s not an option at every size, which sucks—and I’m trying to limit my engagement with fast fashion by buying new things infrequently and relying more on thrifting when I do).

A:

Carmen: I don’t think your specific list of qualities are baffling at all! In fact, I think a love of bright patterns, button ups, and playing with masc/femme elements are all long standing tentpoles of queer fashion. Which is great — you’re standing on the shoulders of so many others, you are not alone.

I also really appreciated that you’re looking more for style inspo than specific stores (I’m also someone who would prefer to do the shopping for myself). I wanted to immediately point you to some of our archives, namely Find Your Fit which has held up surprisingly well to have been originally written pre-pandemic, and will provide a lot of broad options for combining masc and femme elements as you explore. I also wanted to highlight this roundup of queer fashion influencers from Pop Sugar of all places, which I respect if you’re feeling a little weary about (and admittedly, I wish they had paid closer attention to size diversity) —, but I saw a lot of excellent and unexpected follows on from that crew, so I wanted to share. If you’d prefer a celebrity list, here’s one that has a better sense of queers across time than most.

In general, my advice here is Instagram or Pinterest, honestly. The algorithm on those specific platforms do not quit, and if you follow or like a few people/posts who you catch your eye (perhaps even from the list above), the algorithm will adjust and offer you so many more options. I wish I could provide more specifics, but honestly a love of bright patterns can mean anything from 1960s dapper looks (if you prefer something more tailored) to 1980s Boy George or Grace Jones (if you’re interested in playing with more campy elements of gender), no one wore a button up like kd lang in the 90s, or more modern queer looks of genderfuckery like Alok Vaid-Menon or Bretman Rock, just to name a few. While you aren’t looking for specific stores, the classic Wild Fang “look” might also interest you here.

I realize this may seem counterintuitive, with me listing so many examples, but it’s honestly because based on the description you shared, you have a lot of options! Truly the world is your oyster. I recommend using any of the list above as a starting place for your research and letting the ~vibes take you where they may.

Q10:

What are ways that someone without previous romantic experience can work to understand what kind of relationship structure (monogamy, polyamory, etc) they’re looking for?

In my case I’m in my early 20s and not actively dating. Life’s busy and apps haven’t led to lasting connections for me so I’ve gotten more out of going to platonic queer and trans events and trying to make friends…buttt I am yearning for love a little. 🤏

There are things that appeal to me about polyamory/make me feel like I might be better suited for it. One of them is that my local queer kink scene has become a big part of my social and sexual life and even though there are still ways of participating in a monogamous relationship (like going to muches and workshops) I would feel some sadness at losing the communal and cruising experience of play parties.

On the other hand, I don’t know if I have the time and energy for multiple romantic relationships, I like the idea of living and sharing a life with a partner someday when I’m more financially independent and sex in general is a newer and less-frequent element of my life so I don’t want to give it *too* much priority over my other desires.

But how can I find people who have similar desires to me when I don’t even know how to name what I want???

A:

Kayla: It does sound like you already know some of what you want, and that’s great! If you think the communal and cruising experience of play parties will continue to be important to you regardless of your relationship status, it does sound like some sort of polyamorous or open structure would be good for you to at least try. I want to emphasize that being poly can look like a lot of different things and does not have to mean multiple romantic relationships. You can have a primary partner and negotiate with that partner the terms of your relationship, which might just look like going to play parties without much more commitment to other folks. That’s a totally valid (and common!) poly structure where you’re not necessarily dating multiple people but free to hook up with and participate in kink with others, on terms negotiated by you and the person you’re dating. I think you can easily have everything you want here!

Q11:

I can’t seem to figure out why, but people seem to not like me. I’ve gone through periods in my life when it was easier to make and keep friends, but I’ve recently found myself pretty friendless, and it’s quite lonely. I used to have 4 very close friends whom I met 8+ years ago, who I saw regularly and felt very comfortable with. Two moved out of the city we lived in (I’m still here), and maintaining these friendships long distance has proven to be quite difficult. The other two and I have drifted apart…we’re in very different places in our lives than we were when we met in college, and we don’t really align and jive like we used to.

My non-closest friends never are available to hang out, although I often see photos on social of them with other friends. Alas.

I ended up canceling my birthday party because zero people RSVPed yes – most didn’t even bother RSVPing, and those who did couldn’t/didn’t make it for one reason or another (or no reason).

I can’t really figure out why I’m having such trouble in the friendship area. I like to think that I’m a kind, warm, approachable, funny, empathetic., etc. person. So I literally can’t figure out what’s going wrong. The only thing I can think of is that I have transformed dramatically over the years, and I’m not the same person I was when people met me? But is anyone?

So I guess my question is, how do I figure out why I’m not likable, so then I can not be that way? Or how do I make friends as an adult? I’m honestly more interested in turning some of my many acquaintances into friends rather than trying to meet Brand New People, but I’ll try whatever.

Being an adult is weird.

A:

Kayla: First, I just want to affirm that making and maintaining friends as an adult is just very difficult in general (and, I think, made even more difficult by the social roadblocks of the pandemic). I think it’s hard to know what’s going “wrong” without more details, but I also think it’s possible that nothing is wrong with you and instead there’s just a wrongness of fit. It’s possible that friends you’ve made casually recently just aren’t the right fit. I think it can be helpful to figure out what YOU want in friendship before making assumptions about how others feel. Again, it’s hard without more specifics, but I kind of doubt this is an issue of likability but perhaps more just an issue of mismatched social needs and dynamics with your existing acquaintances. If you’re transformed dramatically like you said, then that could mean seeking out new friendships to fit that transformation. I think potential friends are out there for you! And I want you to know that making and maintaining friends does not come naturally/easily to everyone and requires some amount of work from everyone. You’re not alone here <3

Q12:

So how exactly does a 30-something dyke go about finding the sexy MILF of her dreams? There seems to be a dearth of older women on the apps around here, and all the apps I’m aware of which focus on older women looking for younger partners are awfully het-oriented. Where are the new divorcees looking to explore queer sex for the first time with no commitment? I have a service to offer and nobody to take it up!

A:

Nico: I’m really curious about your location and what apps you’re using! I also think that, yes, the queer dating pool tends to be limited and then when you start to slice and dice by other identity intersections, it gets even smaller. If you’re looking for women who might a) be divorced or b) looking to explore their bisexuality / queerness but in a poly / open way, you can try FEELD. It’s def an app for people who are more sex-forward when it comes to dating, but that means you are much more likely to find people looking to hook up without commitment! Have you also tried HER? It’s hit or miss depending on the city I hear, but if you have a decent sized population, that might work! And that was my answering your question in full seriousness, but also, I think that if you cannot find a person going through this highly specific situation you’re describing, then it will probably benefit you to broaden your criteria! I’m really curious as to why you’re looking specifically to hook up with older women exploring their queer sexuality for the first time, so if you see this, I’d love to hear from you in the comments!

Q13:

Is this anonymous? I hope it’s anonymous.

I’ve struggled all my teenage and adult life with self-esteem issues. I’m starting to work on it in therapy (after working through grief and burnout), but I get the feeling it’s going to be a long journey. I’m early to mid-30s and more and more frequently the topic of dating comes up in my social circle or with my family. I’ve been in relationships before, but they seem to always peter out after several months and then I find myself single again for several years at a time.

When I try and think about dating now, I find myself thinking – what could I possibly offer anyone? How could anyone look and me and think, ‘she’s someone that I want’. Being single for years on and off also makes me feel like I’m more inexperienced than others. I’d really like to be building a life with someone, but the idea that anyone would find me dateable feels pretty unrealistic. At the same time, I’m mindful that I don’t want to be approaching any new relationship with what feels like so much emotional baggage.

I’m a soft butch with a decent job (that still takes up too much of my focus – yeah there’s a lot to work on), and zero hope for romance. So, any advice?

A:

Heather: I personally think your mid-30s is the perfect time to start a relationship with someone you want to build a life with. You have a good job, you know who you are, you’ve lived long enough to have experienced plenty of hardships and overcome them, you have perspective on life and the world — and, if I do say so myself, soft butches have never been more fashionable or in demand. I have a soft butch friend who simply says “I’m a monogamous soft butch” on dating apps, and it is like catnip or something. You are absolutely not unusual in worrying that you’re not datable, I think MOST people believe that’s true about themselves, especially folks who have grown up with some gender or sexual nonconformity. You’ve internalized a lot of bullshit over the years! But I already know that’s not true. Look at this engaging message you wrote, in only a few short paragraphs. Look at the fact that you’re in therapy. Look at the fact that you know when relationships usually go off the rails for you, which means you’re keenly observant and ready to unearth and tackle whatever’s making that happen. I think the first thing you gotta do is stop believing there’s zero hope for romance, like look in the mirror and say it out loud to yourself: There’s hope for romance! I believe there’s romance in my future! And go from there. It’s almost autumn, almost cuffing season, which is basically soft butch season!

Nico: Also here to note that there is not a single person (and especially queer person) on this planet without emotional baggage. People worth dating have lived lives, have emotional baggage! It’s how you handle yourself within a relationship that counts. I’m not sure if you know what didn’t work about your past relationships, but there’s no better time to take a good hard look at that, talk to your therapist about any patterns you recognize, get some books or watch some Youtube videos that address whatever you might have noticed, and then also put your newfound practice and skills out in the world. At the very least, you mention self-esteem issues, so it never hurts to work on your self-love and confidence. Those are so, so important in a relationship.

Also, here to agree that as fall approaches, well, fall dates are absolutely the best, so truly, excellent timing, friend.

Q14:

My partner and I have been together for a few years and just celebrated a year of living together. In that time, they’ve seemed to be consistently down or upset in a way they didn’t seem to be before. We still talk and laugh and have sex, but I have seen emotional outbursts or perceived melancholy on their part fairly regularly. It’s never directed at me, and they don’t get physical, they don’t threaten or insult me, it’s more in the “Oh God damnit!” or “Fuck that guy!” realm of emotional-heightedness. To me, it’s a pattern, but they express these frustrations and then a few minutes later they’re fine and forget about it. It is something we’ve talked about, and in the few instances where it did feel like they weren’t totally in control, they’ve agreed with me and apologized and we’ve come to actionable steps to better emotionally regulate – they see a therapist regularly, they exercise, take CBD, etc.

I’m a pretty level-headed person, and I have accepted they are definitely more emotionally intelligent than I am. They helped me cope and move on from past relationship trauma for the first year of our relationship, they’re extremely thoughtful, and great at “feelings talk,” while I am very adept at “solutions talk.” They are the heart, and I am the head, basically.

We also come from very different backgrounds. I had a fairly stable childhood, they come from a physically and emotionally abusive household. I am cis, they are enby. They’ve lived through poverty, I have not.

I’m just wondering how much of what I’m seeing is “normal” or if I’m right to be concerned, even if they’re not?

A:

Nico: Gosh, this is tough to parse out. I’ll go ahead and say that the green flag here is that they don’t direct anything at you. If they did, it would be a different story, right? So what you’re concerned about is that they seem to express their negative emotions outwardly, whether by verbally venting, or acting melancholy when they feel, well, melancholy, right? I think that if you ever feel upset or scared by their outbursts, then that’s a good thing to talk about. But our friends, relatives, partners, people we live with are not going to be happy all the time. Life’s hard! If you know about things that are consistently bothering your partner, can I suggest working on those, similarly to how your partner helped you through relationship trauma? I think focusing on the root, rather than the behavior, might yield better results.

Q15:

Hello!

I’m someone who shows up early. Always. And I see being late as a red flag. I’ve stopped being friends with people who are late to everything. Unfortunately I really like this person who I have now been seeing for roughly 2 months. And she’s late. Every time. Should I end it? How should I talk about how much it bothers me?

A:

Heather: I also always show up early everywhere, even Zoom meetings. It gives me MAJOR anxiety to be late. I often find that other people being late also gives me anxiety, but I’ve realized I’m just projecting my own fear of being late onto them, which helps somewhat. I also think it’s important to think about all the reasons people are often late. Lots of times it’s down to neurodivergence or ADHD or something like that. Some of the people I love most in the world absolutely cannot be on time. It doesn’t matter how hard they try, how many alarms they set, how many times they beat themselves up about it and commit to being on time next time. For whatever reason, their brains just do not do time like my brain does and they can’t make them. Before you end things, if this is a really big deal to you, maybe ask about it? Everyone I know who is chronically late also feels chronically guilty about it, and that makes me so sad for them, so I don’t ever want to add onto that guilt. Maybe if this person has a solid reason for the lateness, you can adapt to it? Or, if the relationship grows, you can develop some strategies to tackle it together? This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship full of open communication!

Nico: Like Heather said, there are some people who have a lot of trouble being on time, and often it’s due to things like ADHD or just — I don’t know — being someone who’s chronically late. Generally, if I’m meeting anyone anywhere, I bring a book. Obviously, if they’re leaving you hanging for absurd amounts of time (like over a half hour) that’s really a conversation, but if you’re just waiting on someone for 15, 20 minutes, then I would just chalk it up to the general cost of being a person who interacts with others! I also, with things like this, try to think of situations where I might be imperfect or not adhering to certain social norms, and other people are just giving me the benefit of the doubt and also not saying anything, just letting me live. So I have also been trying to extend that same grace back outward. I guess my advice is, if you like this person and you know they’re gonna be late, plan accordingly! It seems to me like a not very good reason to end things, especially if they’re otherwise respectful and good to you, you know? If it’s part of a larger situation where you’re not being treated right, that’s its own thing, but it sounds like this is a singular, relatively isolated issue. Sending you soothing vibes!

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