Welcome to the 87th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We do this column TWICE a month.

Every other A+ Advice box of the month is themed! In keeping with the vibes this summer, the next themed Advice box will be all about looking and feeling hot. Look out for that publishing in a couple weeks!

Then there are general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic. You can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

At the request of the letter writer, this question and its responses have been removed.

Q2:

Hello! Random ask, but do any folks here have tips for working through seasons of forgetfulness? I have a lot on my plate right now (2 small children! full time job! copious amounts of community organizing!) and I recently lost my phone, forgot my packed bags at home for a trip, left my kid’s bike somewhere, and forgot my apple ID login all in a span of 36 hours. It’s been slightly hellish and very stressful. Also, I learned I have to wait 27 DAYS to reset my apple password. Bahh!!!!

Some days I can handle all these pieces of my life gracefully and efficiently, and then other times it seems like my mind keeps tumbling out of my head. I’m planning on talking with my doc about tweaking my anxiety meds, and am also looking for any other tips y’all have. Thank you!!

A:

Heather: Oh, friend, I feel you! I have always been forgetful because I have ADHD, but Long Covid has made it so much worse! Luckily there are so many amazing strategies and tools at our disposal. The first thing I would recommend to you is the book How to Keep House While Drowning, which is written specifically for people who have these kinds of neuro-cognitive struggles. Not only is it a total game changer in terms of learning to be kind to yourself for not remembering everything; it is chock full of strategies for people like us who forget things. The second thing is: take advantage of technology that is made for this! Here’s a good list of ADHD apps. You can also just Google ADHD apps/strategies. Even search for them on TikTok, if you want. There’s so many helpful things out there on the internet. And then, finally, just try to keep things simple, don’t be afraid to write anything and everything down, and try to be gentle with yourself. It makes perfect sense you’re having this period of forgetfulness; it’s super common! You’ll figure out how to tackle it in a way that’s specific to your own needs! I believe in you!

Kayla: I go through these periods as well! It’s usually due to some underlying major source of stress that I’m not really acknowledging and working through. Like, there are always sort of the obvious stressful things happening in my life that are at the surface, but I find it’s not usually those sources that explain my sudden repeated forgetfulness but rather stress UNDER the stress (an example of this in case I’m not making sense would be work stress being at the surface but the deeper source of stress being having doubts about my career entirely). The forgetfulness isn’t immediately FIXED when I identify the underlying stress/anxiety/other intense emotion, but it does make it easier for me to come up with solutions that can see results long term.

Q3:

How long should I wait after a break up of a year long relationship to start seeing/hooking up with new people? I kind of want a hot girl summer but I’m worried that’s unhealthy, and I already miss my exes so much.

For context, I was the dumper, I’m devastated over the breakup, and I wanted an open relationship before this.

A:

Kayla: I don’t think there’s a set rule here! It sounds to me like you’re waiting just for the sake of waiting and not because you actually think you NEED to wait to start seeing other people. If you want a hot girl summer, that’s reason enough to try and get out there again. If it starts to feel bad, you can always reel it back in and chill as a single person again. It’s not a permanent choice.

Riese: Yeah! Have your hot girl summer! There’s no rules. There’s also no rule that you have to make “healthy” choices all the time, as long as you’re realistic about what the results of those choices might be (including the possibility of angst and pain) and as long as your state of being doesn’t harm anyone else.

Nico: I agree with my colleagues and think that the most important thing here is to be honest and upfront both with yourself and others about where you’re at! Riese pointed out that you are under no obligation to make “healthy” choices all the time — and I think that’s true. Also, who knows what’s healthy for you? You’re an individual, autonomous person and you can make the choice to have a hot girl summer if you want to.

Q4:

So. I’m 36. Trans femme, sapphic leaning. Borderline personality disorder, liver transplant, and severe migraines brought on by chronic fatigue.

I have not had a lot of luck with relationships, my longest being for twelve years caring for an ex. This was super toxic, one sided, and both soul and bank account draining.

After finally putting that behind me, any plans to start looking again were halted due to my health and the pandemic.

Then I met someone. They were briefly on the apps before retreating to Insta. We hit it off immediately. They were trying to deal with the end of a very long term relationship and a recent autism diagnosis, I was dealing with all of my stuff. We agreed to take it slow. We messaged for months, but they were constantly disappearing for days or weeks at a time. Plans to finally meet were cancelled and the only times they opened up were when they needed my advice or emotional support.

After a personally devastating May I confronted them about their constant absence and their use of me as a person only to vent to. They apologised, resolved to do better, and then disappeared for another week. I exploded. They blocked me on all platforms.

I’m back to square zero. I can see no opportunities to find a relationship especially as a trans disabled person who can’t leave the house and lives off a disability pension. I also live in the most isolated city in the world so its tiny dating pool is pretty much all I have. Someone suggested trying through online community, but I don’t know how. And I’m still hung up on the brief sign of hope that was this recent person.

I desperately need help

A:

Nico: Thank you so much for writing in. I just want to start by sending a ton of love your way. Okay, so, I know this is hard, but I think you should stop talking with this person. They aren’t treating you respectfully, and at least personally, I think it’s better to be alone than it is to be taken advantage of. And in fact, a fear of being alone can be something that makes us vulnerable to exploitation, emotionally, financially, labor-wise. It sounds like you’re certainly aware that you have a history of one-sided dynamics in relationships. If you aren’t already, I recommend therapy or group counseling if you can get it near you or virtually because, while I don’t know you or your situation and am not a therapist, I do know that sometimes we can unwittingly slip back into what’s comfortable to us in relationships. What’s comfortable is not always what’s good for us; what’s “comfortable” can also come from patterns that we become wired to repeat unless we actively break those. So, and I hope this isn’t patronizing, but if you haven’t already, besides therapy, I recommend doing research into codependence and unhealthy / uneven relationships and the breaking of those patterns. For starters, my therapist sent me this guy’s videos. He focuses mostly on how childhood trauma affects adults, and I think he’s pretty on point. When you start dating again, it will be important to come at it from a place of security in how you deserve to be treated in a relationship so that if someone starts to try to engage in this user behavior, you can walk away!

And again. Right now, this person you wrote in about is not treating you well! They don’t deserve your attention! Spend your energy on yourself! It might also be time to block them yourself, if that’s possible, so you aren’t as tempted to renew contact. I am so sorry you are going through this.

As far as building community online goes, that is certainly a thing you can start doing. It might be good to take small steps first and work on building up your online queer community in general. I’d try looking for the subreddit for your city, and maybe asking around about other local online groups you can look into. Similarly, there are plenty of queer and trans subreddits you can visit (those that are still up after the whole Reddit update situation) and post there and chat with folks online. I would love to hear some more suggestions for finding queers to talk to online in the comments, too!

Q5:

I’ve realized recently that I have a very anxious orientation towards the political work I’m trying to do. Every little mistake or disagreement we have stresses me out so much, and I feel a lot of internal pressure to be really involved so that things don’t go wrong. I know these patterns are unhealthy but I can’t seem to calm my anxiety. I don’t know of any resources for this from a politicized angle – any tips or resources I could look into?

A:

Nico: Hello! Your question is unfortunately a bit vague so apologies if any of the leaps I take are the wrong ones! I’m starting by assuming this is some kind of political community / organizing work that you’re doing as not paid work. So, I just want you to take a deep breath in and out and remember that this is lifelong work and that there will always be something to do — even if you need a break or a step back sometimes — and that you aren’t in it alone.

I do think, with regards to mistakes and disagreements, that there are probably some general resources that can help with that. Having difficulty with both mistakes and disagreements sounds like it could be related to discomfort with conflict as well as maybe some people pleasing tendencies (if everything is perfect then there’s no reason for conflict and also everyone will like us). I’m sorry if that’s off-base, but looking at whether these anxieties manifest elsewhere in your life might help you untangle their source outside of your political work so that you can work to untangle those feelings. And I do think the solution here is about feelings, not about whether or not people won’t make mistakes or avoid disagreements. Because there will be mistakes and there will be disagreements. Now and forever! The point is to keep going, to repair mistakes and work together as best as is possible, not to be perfect in the first place. I hope that gives you some permission to loosen your grip just a little bit, and to trust other people to drive themselves forward, to do their best, to be there just like you are.

Q6:

I’m on the asexual spectrum and don’t often have sexual fantasies about anyone specific. When I do, it feels disrespectful to that person, even though they wouldn’t even know and I wouldn’t behave inappropriately towards them in reality. Part of that is that the idea of anyone fantasising about me feels uncomfortable. I think most people think it’s fine to fantasise but how do I be ok with doing that?

A:

Nico: I think as long as it’s not obsessive / you don’t make it weird, it’s a perfectly normal thing to fantasize about someone else! It’s a thing that happens! It’s natural! I mean, if you haven’t ever read The Essential Dykes to Watch Out For wherein there is a panel in which Ginger fantasizes about Clarice. I don’t know why I’m mentioning it, it’s just always stuck with me because it was so normalized, and I think maybe when I first read it, that I had some guilt about the same thing, especially when it came to some internalizing of the predatory lesbian / queer stereotype. But it can actually be freeing and super healthy and helpful to let yourself fantasize and to explore your own desires safely and privately within your own head. I feel like it’s a truly slippery slope to start policing our own thoughts to the extent where we feel guilty for thinking about people we find attractive.

You also mention feeling uncomfortable about other people fantasizing about you. If another person were to fantasize about you, and as you say, not behave inappropriately toward you in reality or even tell you, would you think what they did was wrong? Is there a way to hold your discomfort and the fact that we are all weird, messy humans who think about each other in your hands at the same time? It might be helpful to really sit with, first, the discomfort you feel around other people thinking of you and try to sort through those feelings before you turn to feelings about your own fantasies. I think part of this, too, might just be from the general freakiness that is the knowledge that we have been perceived. It can feel weird to know that people think about you when you’re not around! But it is in fact just a part of life, being perceived, and I do think there are ways to rewire the anxiety and initial “ick” that can come about whenever we are faced with that reality by just reminding ourselves over and over that having other people think about us is normal. What’s not okay would, like, be someone making unsolicited advances or cultivating an obsession with you, but you didn’t mention either of those things being an issue. I’m sending you love and wishing you luck in exploring your feelings. I don’t know that you’ll ever get to a place of perfect comfort, but I also don’t know if that’s always the goal. The goal that I’m seeing is to coexist with other people while feeling as little unnecessary guilt as possible! We are not ever going to be politically pure and perfect, especially not when it comes to the thoughts inside of our heads. As Andrea Long Chu wrote “nothing good comes of forcing desire to conform to political principle. You could sooner give a cat a bath.”

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