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Welcome to the 84th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s theme is POLYAMORY. This is an advice box for our poly community. Bring us all and any questions related to opening up, to navigating life as a poly person, to poly relationships and families and friend groups — even to being monogamous but relating to a poly person or people in some way. Get those questions in by this Monday, June 19th!

The general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month (sorry we missed the last one for the annual report — we’ll get an extra long box together for the first Friday of June), and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

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Q1:

I am a deeply introverted person, which I define as needing a lot of alone time to recharge (like several days after seeing a friend for a few hours). A few months ago I started dating an extrovert for the first time. People talk about introverts and extroverts being a great match, but I can’t get over the idea that I am setting myself up to either always be overly drained from social interaction with her or needing to constantly spend energy to maintain a boundary to get the space I need. We communicate very well. She is very supportive of my needs and giving me space, and she has plenty of other people to spend time with to meet her energy needs. But I just don’t see how it is sustainable. Won’t this just set us both up for repeated disappointments? I would love advice on logistically how this can work. My brain cannot comprehend why people pursue it. I always thought I would be with someone who wanted to leave the party at the same time and then sleep forever too (metaphorically. we haven’t been to parties together). Thank you!

A:

Ro: I’m an introvert who has almost exclusively dated extroverts. That works for me, but it definitely doesn’t work for everyone. I’m not sure if your concerns about your current relationship are coming from the fact that you’re in uncharted waters or if they’re coming from red flags you’re consciously or subconsciously noticing. Maybe you’re not sure, either! Write out a list of your concerns — are your worries rooted in real events, or are they just “what if’s?”

If those previous conflicts feel like something you and your partner could work through or if your worries are just a bunch of “what if’s,” then you and your partner can probably figure out some ways to set your relationship up for success. Here’s what’s worked in my relationships:

1. Clearly communicating needs and expectations.

2. Maintaining individual friendships, interests, and hobbies — that way, my extrovert partner gets to do all the high-energy social stuff they desire, and I get to maintain the alone time I need.

3. Having a “staggered” approach to socializing. For example, just the other night, my girlfriend had some friends over in our backyard. I stayed inside for the first two hours and only joined them for the last hour of the hangout. That gave me girlfriend the opportunity to socialize for a longer period of time, and it gave me an opportunity to preserve my social battery — and we still got to hang out with buds together!

Kayla: I love Ro’s suggestions! Especially when it comes to making a list of concerns. If they’re mostly hypothetical, then I wouldn’t worry too much. It sounds like you already have good boundaries in your relationship. Have you asked her about how she feels about all of this as well? Just because this might have to be an ongoing thing that you two have to figure out together doesn’t mean it’s unsustainable or a bad fit. All relationships have things that people have to do continual check-ins with each other about, and that’s not a bad thing! In fact, it can be a very good thing for overall relationship health.

Q2:

On three separate occasions, I’ve nearly passed out while fisting my girlfriend. Do you have any idea what could be happening? If it was a circulation issue, I think I’d feel it in my hand/wrist first, right? And like, fisting can feel intense on an emotional level, but I sometimes fist her just fine without getting light-headed. I can/will ask my doctor about this at my next appointment, but I figured I would ask my favorite internet sex writers as well. Has this ever happened to you?

A:

Ro: Okay, first I want to reiterate that while I’ve written and taught about fisting for a very long time, I am absolutely not a doctor. I’m glad you’re going to speak to a medical professional about this — that’s exactly the right move! And also I highly recommend that you take a break from fisting until you get this sorted out so that you don’t hurt yourself or your partner.

So could this be a circulation issue? The pelvic floor muscles can exert a lot of force, so maybe there’s a possibility that your partner’s clenching vagina or butt is doing something weird to your body (again, I’m NOT A DOCTOR), but there are a few other triggers that come to mind. Here are some potential triggers with easy solutions:

1. You’re not breathing – Fisting is intense for the bottom, but sometimes we forget that it’s also intense for the top! When you’re focusing on your partner’s physical and verbal cues, you might be forgetting about your own basic needs, i.e. breathing. Make sure you’re taking regular, deep breaths — it can be fun to breathe along with your partner, since deep breathing will also help them relax and open up.

2. Your body is in a position that it does not like – It takes a while to stuff your hand inside someone, so fisting tops and bottoms can end up stuck in one position for a long period of time. You might be fisting in a position that just doesn’t work for your body. If you usually lean over on your elbows while you’re fisting your partner, try pulling a chair to the edge of the bed while your partner’s legs hang off of it (they can lie face up, exposing their vulva, or they can lie face down, exposing their anus). Depending on the height of the chair and the height of the bed, they might even be able to put their pelvis in your lap. That way, there’s minimal leaning required.

3. You’re dehydrated – If fisting is typically the “grand finale” of your sex sessions, then you’ve probably been going at it for a long time before you get to the fisting part. Have some water and electrolytes nearby and take some short water breaks while you’re rolling around, especially before the fisting begins.

4. You just orgasmed or switched positions too quickly – Some couples tend to have sex in a similar pattern over and over again. If you find that you usually orgasm once (or twice! Or a few times!) before you start fisting your partner or if you tend to spend a long time on your back before flipping over and fisting your partner, the changes in breathing that happen during sexual stimulation and/or the change in your body’s position might be what’s setting you up to get dizzy. So switch things up! Try fisting your partner earlier on during your sex session (while still allowing for adequate warm-up, of course) or try keeping your body in a similar position until the fisting portion has ended.

Q3:

Are there any websites or other ways to find out about protests or actions occuring near me other than waiting for big things to occur in the news and scouring social media?

A:

Ro: I’m not aware of one big, central location where protests are listed. Many organizers like to keep info about the date, time, and location of protests quiet to avoid attention from counter-protestors and cops, so even if there’s one, big website out there with lots of protest info, you’re probably not going to find information about every single action that may interest you. Tracking down information on social media is time-consuming and challenging, so here are some tips to make it a little easier:

1. Find a person you trust or a group that tends to share lots of protest info on their social media and check their social media profile(s) on a regular basis. I have a friend who’s much more deeply involved in community organizing than I am, so if I want to know what’s happening, I just click on their Instagram story or text them via Signal, since they also tend to know about local actions that aren’t publicly advertised.

2. Join a local direct action group and get involved in protest planning.

3. If planning protests isn’t your style, volunteer to be a safety marshall at your next local action. Organizers usually offer a short training, and it’s a great way to get to know leaders in community organizing. The more people you know, the more info you’ll get!

4. Sign up for email lists for local groups that plan protests and other direct actions.

5. Volunteer to do in-person jail support after a protest. Jail support tends to involve a lot of waiting around, so it’s a great way to meet people who share your values and might have intel about other actions.

Q4:

I feel like this is a Kayla question, but I’d love to hear from anyone!! Do you have a favorite skincare product to spray on your face + hair after a day at the beach? Like a skin cooling, but also hydrating product that has something in it that would also be good for wet hair? I am very new to skincare, and also recently moved somewhere beachy and so I am trying to take better care of my skin/hair/etc in this new climate! Any tips appreciated for other after beach day products as well 🥰😎 thank you!!

A:

Kayla: My main form of post-beach day wellness is to HYDRATE HYDRATE HYDRATE. I drink a very full jug of water after beach days, even if I’ve been hydrating while on the beach. I’m also into this hydrating coconut mist from ELF these days. I personally don’t usually use hair products after a beach day because my hair always looks its best after the beach LOL. Sometimes I will do a hair mask the following day though.

Q5:

I want recs for trans sex writing, esp T4T! My need runs the gamut – from how-to’s & sex education / exploring the magical possibilities of different variations of T4T, because even writing T4T in this moment feels like it means nothing specific about the individuals or their desires or bodies, to, meaningmaking of sex, to novels, to explorations of power, to explicitly kinky work… I have Fucking Trans Women (a gem!!!) & have been slowly working my way through Autostraddle’s SLICK…but is there something like Lillian Fishman’s Acts of Service but, a nonbinary femme and a trans woman, and all of them are BIPOC???

A:

Ro: I love that you’re reading Fucking Trans Women — that’s been one of my favorite sex ed resources for years! I’m sure other folks will have more recommendations in the realm of T4T erotica, but here’s the first thing I thought of:

I haven’t read this myself — so I can’t speak to how kinky it is or how much BIPOC representation it contains — but trans porn creator/writer Tobi Hill-Meyer edited an erotic fiction collection called Nerve Endings: The New Trans Erotic, which seems to include lots of T4T erotic stories and stories about trans sex work. And if you’re interested in watching T4T sex in addition to reading about it, check out Crash Pad, a queer-owned, independent porn website where you’ll find a bunch of T4T scenes.

Q6:

I have a private music student who is 13, who I’ve been teaching on and off for about 4 years. Recently, she complimented my bi-cycle and rainbow pins, wore a bi pride necklace that she made, and has more rainbows popping up in her wardrobe. This made me so happy, and I am trying to figure out appropriate ways to engage with her about queerness, as someone who deals with very few children on the regular. She has great parents, so I’m not really worried that they would have a problem with me talking to her, but I want to be careful in our current climate. As a mentor-figure in her life, I’m sure it’s cool for her to see that I’m bi, if she’s bi, but I don’t know that we really need to have conversations about it. I’m just following her lead, but I think she was nervous to even say she likes my pins. Any advice on how to support a queer kid without making a huge deal of it?

A:

Nico: I’m thinking of my girlfriend’s last music student who was thirteen at the time (before she got into a magnet arts high school and no longer needed private lessons). Thirteen is such an anxious, transition-filled age! You’re old enough to be pretty darn aware of sex and sexuality, but not yet at the maturity levels of older teens, yet. I think that, really, the best thing is what you’re doing, which is letting her take the lead. You can always compliment a rainbow item of clothing if it’s appropriate, too, I think. One final suggestion, if you haven’t considered it yet, especially since it’s Pride Month, might be to see if you can introduce her to some music by queer composers / artists. You didn’t mention what kind of instrument you were teaching her, so I’m not sure who to bring up, but I’m sure you know or could figure it out! I feel like introducing her to other queer role models via music is something that is absolutely in your lane, does not involve asking her any prying questions, and is something that could be helpful and have a positive impact.

Kayla: Totally agree with what Nico said: You just gotta let her take the lead. She’ll ask or bring up queerness when she’s ready. And I think it’s great that you have things like pins and things so she can see that you would be a safe person to talk about any of this with. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things already, just creating a safe space and following her lead.

Q7:

Hello! 27-year-old cis woman here, for context. So, for the past year, I have been reckoning with the fact that I am on the ace spectrum. It’s been a long, slow process of realizing that I really don’t experience primary sexual attraction. After years of dating very minimally and feeling shame about my (partnered) sexual inexperience, I finally feel a bit of relief learning that asexuality is a vaild identity and experience. And yet, I’m still struggling to feel confident in my sexuality.

After trying on the label of demisexual for a while, I’ve realized that I am more ace than demi. While leaning into this, I developed my first big fat crush on a woman through my program in grad school. This experience helped me to realize that I had actually experienced so little romantic attraction before in life. I think some of the romantic attraction I thought I felt previously for men was actually just anxiety (shoutout to Sherronda J. Brown for naming this for herself, which helped me get here). Sigh.

The person I’m crushing on is already partnered and a no-go. Now, I’m left feeling confused about who I’m attracted to and what I want. I think asexual grayromantic is probably pretty accurate for me right now. I really want to experience a long-term partnership with a woman, but I feel fake-queer having dated so little and never having been in a queer romantic relationship. On top of that, catching feelings is quite rare for me! I’m worried no one will be into me and me into them for a really long time. I’m in therapy and have queer friends thank God, but I still feel a bit helpless. Thank you for any insight you can offer!

A:

Riese: You’re definitely not a fake queer for having dated so little and never having been in a queer romantic relationship! There are loads of people just like you out there and they’ve often written in to ask for our help. You might even find yourself dating one of the many humans who are in the same boat as you, because it is a very large boat. I didn’t have my first queer romantic relationship until I was 26, and lots of people figure it out much later than you, we recently had a question from a woman questioning her sexuality at the age of 65. I’m 41 and have just now started to really understand my own spot within the vast ace spectrum. That’s all okay, life is a journey.

Also, I’m so happy for you that you did have the experience of a crush that opened up something inside of you on your journey of self discovery, even if it didn’t work out how you wanted it to. I also can very much relate to the experience of so rarely falling for anyone at all, ever, and how consequently devastating it is when you finally find someone you actually are into and they don’t feel the same way!

I think especially when it comes to being somewhere on the ace spectrum, it’s okay to not know your label for sure right now, but just to leave yourself open to the possibilities that present themselves, and communicate your current perspective on your own romantic and sexual desires to them as honestly as you’re able to in that moment. I think people are very open to the fluidity and ongoing discovery that comes with deep sexuality-related introspection.

So I don’t know if I have any concrete advice on where to go from here, besides to tell you that it’s okay to be exactly where you are. It might be harder for you than for most people to find the right person, but I think when you do, it will feel worth the wait. In the meantime, lean into those queer friends — those will be some of the most rewarding relationships of your lifetime.

Q8:

Hi :) my gf and I have been together for a little over a year now, long-distance unfortunately. we’re very much in love and committed to each and the relationship and to making stuff work together and that’s a great feeling! given various issues on both sides, this includes a lot of communication, processing etc., which we do pretty well together. however, with some especially heavy times recently and the added weight of long-distance, it can at times feel like processing and analyzing have become our relationship’s full-time job. we both feel like we have become a bit stuck in the process of constantly rehashing and analyzing what can seem like almost every interaction. this might be due to both our, but especially my, anxious-leaning attachment that can never let ends lie loose for a bit, and maybe also what feels like our generation’s obsession with kitchen-table psychotherapy (we both are in and appreciate therapy but that kind of analysis seems to spill over into almost every aspect of daily life i feel like?). my question thusly: how to balance out healthy and necessary processing with maintaining lightness, fun, and feeling just present with each other and connected without the need to analyze everything? thank you <3

A:

Ro: Schedule weekly or every-other-week relationship check-ins and save any heavy, feelings-focused discussions for that designated hour or half hour. This isn’t always going to be possible — there are still going to be times when a conflict needs to be addressed ASAP — but having designated time for check-ins will cut down on the processing that’s bleeding into your everyday life, so you’ll have more space to focus on fun.

It also might be helpful to come up with a code word or phrase to indicate when you’re over-analyzing or over-processing together (like, “Oh, we’re doing that thing again!”). Agree that when the word or phrase is uttered by either party, you’re both required to take a ten minute break. Sometimes we just need to snap ourselves out of patterns.

Finally, make sure that both you and your partner have other people to process with. Talk to your friends about your individual issues, your insecurities, and your relationship conflicts so your relationship isn’t burdened with 100% of your emotional baggage.

Kayla: Hi! Love all of Ro’s suggestions, especially about scheduling check-ins and trying to keep these conversations limited to that. I do think it’s really important to do processing with other people in your life — and not just a therapist either! Talk to your friends about what’s going on because sometimes it really helps to have that outside perspective but also not specifically couched in therapy speak. I know that long distance can make a lot of this stuff extra hard by placing a lot of pressure on y’all to figure everything out right away so you can enjoy the limited in-person time together which, ironically, then further limits the in-person time you have together! I think figuring out additional coping mechanisms for your anxious attachment tendencies that do not specifically rely on processing with your partner is important, too. Maybe instead of immediately analyzing out loud with your partner, you could take a beat to journal out your thoughts and feelings.

Q9:

Two of my friends broke up! I haven’t had this happen in many many years – of late, I’m usually friends with one person in a friend group more than the other. This time, I have totally separate relationships with each person and, when I say broke up, I mean, they aren’t on speaking terms and are intentionally avoiding social spaces together. My city is small and queer community is tight knit, but I don’t see it actually being a major problem in terms of, being in public with each other. The personal advice I need is – how do I mind my own fucking business? How do I keep from feeling responsible for their perceptions of each other which, imo, are skewed & self-serving? How do I get not get caught in the middle / triangulated? Would love to hear about boundaries others have set (whether stated to people or not) & ideas to ground myself.

A:

Ro: I’ve been in this situation, and it sucks. I’m so sorry you’re going through it. When two of my friends broke up, I told them I was okay with each of them sharing their feelings with me — because I wanted to emotionally support each of them while they were feeling sad, lonely, angry, etc. — but I said I was not willing to: a) listen to them badmouth the other person, b) relay information between the two of them, or c) answer questions about how the other person is doing and what they’re up to. That worked out pretty well for everyone — I got to maintain my friendships, neither of my friends felt like I was “taking a side,” and I didn’t add to the drama.

I should note that this was a situation where, according to what my friends said, there was no abuse happening — there’d just been a lot of misunderstandings, conflicting desires, and hurt feelings, and they were both incredibly angry.

If you haven’t already, I highly recommend that you set some boundaries with your friends. Those might not look like the boundaries I established for myself, but you can certainly use mine as a blueprint! If your friends aren’t respecting those boundaries, it’s okay to take a break from hanging out with these folks until things blow over.

And don’t forget to set boundaries with yourself, too. I know it’s tempting to want to know all of the details so you can soothe or rage along with the people you care about, but sometimes it’s best to stay out of it. Instead of hashing out the events around your friends’ breakup, help distract them from the anguish by planning a fun activity where there’s no talking or minimal talking involved, like seeing a movie, taking a class, or playing a sport.

Finally, remember that your friends aren’t always going to be as hurt and angry as they are right now. It’s rough right now, but you’ll all get through it.

Q10:

I hate how high-pitched my voice sounds when I say “hello” or “good morning” to people. I’m afab nonbinary, and I feel disconnected from myself when I speak in the higher end of my vocal range. How do you train yourself to speak in a different pitch?

A:

Ro: If you want to speak in a deeper register, start by seeking out some videos, online courses, or IRL training from a vocal coach. I know that trying to deepen your voice might not seem like a big deal, but you can actually strain your vocal cords over time (I’m a former singer, so I’m nerdy about these things). That’s why it’s important to learn how to do it safely from a professional. With a quick search, I found this vocal coach who specializes in gender-affirming vocal training and offers online courses and free videos.

And here are two general tips from my own experience:
1. Regularly doing vocal warmups has helped me learn how to sing lower notes, and I think that’s had an effect on my speaking voice, too. Search for vocal warmups on YouTube or learn some from a vocal coach.
2. I’ve found that my voice gets higher when I’m in a stressful situation or when I’m trying hard to convey that I’m nice and non-threatening (for example, when I’m talking to a stranger, an authority figure, or a customer service person), and when my voice gets way up there, it doesn’t feel like me. Taking a deep breath and relaxing as much as possible seems to be helpful.

Q11:

So I’ve been thinking a lot about my mother and I. I, like quite a many queer girls have a long history of mommy issues. I’ve had an up-and-down relationship with my mother, which has at times been loving and consoling and at other times teetering on emotional abuse. A lot of it is probably because of her relationship with her mother.

I’m not out to my mother yet. I’m out of the house, finally getting to fully breathe in my queerness and my personhood for the first time, and embarking on my first real serious relationship. She’s coming to visit me soon and I’m thinking now might be the time to tell her.

When I was younger, she would often rant to me about her own former experiences with her mother, and one day she got talking about how her mother would scrutinize her because she was a rambuncious tomboy and assumed she was a lesbian. She also mentioned how every one called her a lesbian so many times that she got to wondering if she was one, and she mentioned how she even kissed a girl once. I didn’t want to sound like I cared, or have questions about me arise because I was so deaply closeted and insecure, but I’ve always wondered what happened with that kiss.

i want to ask her about that kiss. I want to ask her if this is all the reason why she constantly warned me against bein with another woman. I want to ask her so many things. But how do I approach such a conversation? Especially while also admitting that I’m the thing her own mother cursed her with?

A:

Nico: Here to say that wow, the world of having a mother who was hurt by her mother is one I am very familiar with and I have so much empathy for you. Thank you for writing in. So, in terms of navigating this, I think that it’s best to take it slow, based on what you’ve described when it comes to the fluctuations in your relationship with your mother. Most pressing, is talking to her about your own queerness, if you want to do that. It makes sense to do that based on the fact that you’re in a relationship and you maybe want to be able to introduce your mom to that person. I get that. I would keep, perhaps, the question about that kiss to a different conversation, for another time, when it’s just the two of you hanging out in-person. I think that — and others may disagree — that you might get a more honest answer after she’s had time to process your coming out to her. But I think that you have to be prepared for her to have feelings (or not) or some kind of unpredictable reaction and to have space between these conversations. I do want to recognize that it seems like this feels like it would be a super illuminating thing to know more about your mom’s history and this kiss, especially in terms of your relationship to her, how you were parented by her, and your own personal narrative. That’s going to be hard to hold in, but I really just want to caution you against rushing this, especially if you want to make sure things are set up in such a way where you could maybe get a more authentic answer from her. In terms of wanting to ask her so many things, I think that yeah, just try to breathe and know that you can keep asking her questions over time. It doesn’t have to happen all at once. It might be cathartic for her to feel like she can share those things, too. I am sending you so much love and I hope that you both can find some healing and insight and maybe further closeness through being more honest with each other.

Q12:

Hey AS! Thanks for continuing to kick ass on the internet, I’m so glad you’re here.
I have been working through feelings from my last breakup for a while now, and at the moment something that I’m feeling really hung up on is this- sex is really important to me in a relationship, and I am afraid that I will always end up hurt if I ever try to date again (yes, I know that sounds dramatic, and yes, that is how I feel at the moment). Basically, I can sit here and tell you that *of course* I know that desire ebbs and flows and even reference Emily Nagoski at you, but at the end of the day, if there is a long spell in my relationship where I don’t feel *desired* by my partner, it is hard for me to feel *valued* by my partner. To put it overly-simply, I am a caring and supportive partner, and when the sex goes away for too long, I can feel like I’m being used for my kindness. (To be fair, this was mostly true in my most recent relationship and not as much previous ones. The most recent relationship also had some emotional connection problems, so maybe I’m pinning too much on sex here, but this is the narrative that’s been stuck in my head lately and I need to set it free.) I guess I’m looking for thoughts on how to communicate to a future partner that sex is an important way to make me feel appreciated/wanted, without it sounding like a threat/ultimatum, and also help figuring out the inevitability of dry spells in a way that doesn’t leave me feeling taken for granted. With the right partner, is this even possible? I feel pretty messed up.

A:

Kayla: It does sound to me like you might be carrying baggage from your most recent relationship into hypothetical future situations, but that’s okay and understandable! And maybe instead of thinking of it as baggage, you can think of it as information/data. You KNOW what didn’t work for you in your last relationship in terms of sex, desire, etc. That means you’re better equipped to establish your wants and needs upfront with a potential new partner! That’s great! That’s what dating should be all about! I think you can say exactly what you said in your question — that for you, sex is important to making you feel appreciated and wanted. That doesn’t sound like an ultimatum or threat to me! It’s just communicating your priorities. The other person has to decide for themselves if that priority is compatible with their own and make their own choices from there. I do think it’s possible to find someone who can meet this need, because there are a lot of people out there who share it! I always had a significantly higher sex drive than my past partners, and it indeed did create some conflicts, especially since I didn’t always communicate just how much I value sex (due to internalized shame!). Now I’m with someone who not only has a compatible sex drive to me but who also KNOWS sex is very important to me, because I was finally able to communicate effectively about it! I’m wishing the same for you!

Q13:

So I found out that my town’s university wifi blocks Autostraddle. I don’t attend this university but as someone who discovered your site in (a different) college and found it utterly life-changing this seems super messed up. Are y’all used to this? Does this happen on the reg? It’s is a big university in a state that’s not overly conservative so I was surprised by this (happy to give you more info). Is there anything I can do to help make this amazing website more accessible to people who need it? Petition the school or something? It’s shitty and stupid and makes me angry (and probably you too).

A:

Nico: It is something that happens a lot, to my understanding. Due to the explicit sex positive content we publish, a lot of workplaces block it. I do feel like it’s highly different when it comes to a university / college setting though as, yeah, college students and young adults might want to access Autostraddle to — I don’t know — LEARN REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS ABOUT THEMSELVES. As someone not affiliated with the college, though, I’m not sure what you can do about it? You can always contact them or Tweet at them or something, but I think that the call for change probably has to come from the students / employees of the school themselves. Was the person who told you about this a student? Do they want to get a group of students together to go to the university and request this change? The response could honestly range from “oops our filter automatically blocked it but our IT has now unblocked it manually” to “absolutely not that site is inappropriate” but I guess one cannot know until you ask.

Q14:

Hi this is a camping question, i missed the deadline but maybe you’re still taking questions?

My partner has fibromyalgia and also is fat, we love camping and light hiking but are always looking for ways to make it easier on her body.

So, I’m looking for a light AND sturdy/built for fat bodies AND relatively cheap portable folding camping chair. Any recs?

Also we’re always happy to hear tips for disabled camping, what’s worked for us so far are ergonomic hiking poles, good camping mattresses, me carrying a big pack for both of us, and generally being careful not to push it too hard.

A:

Nico: Hello fellow campers! Okay, so as I’m sure you’ve discovered, the dimensions of light-weight hiking chairs are rather disappointing. First, when hunting around for an answer, I found this super in-depth article looking at 17 different backpacking chairs, so maybe this will be helpful. I think the photos of the chairs in use are illuminating. But finally, after Googling for a while and trying different phrases, I did find that this chair right here was recommended for fat bodies. It’s definitely a bit pricier, but if you look at the review section, there are multiple people saying stuff like “Best for Plus Size” and “It is wide, comfortable, sturdy, and I can get up out of it easily” to which I think that needing a chair to be easy to get out of is likely pretty darn important. As far as other camping tips go, if you’re looking for info ahead of time, I recommend trying out thedyrt.com. It’s like the “tripadvisor” of camping where you can see what other campers had to say about a campsite before you go. I also enjoy it because you can see whether there are good views or fun sites nearby to visit while on your trip that are maybe not, like, super long hikes. Also, whenever I’ve gone camping with a disabled partner we’ve always planned like, 2-3 options for each day. One is a higher intensity option (big hike), another might be medium intensity (walk along a lake) and one might be low intensity (boardgame at the campsite) so that if it’s kind of a lower energy / higher pain day, then we aren’t cancelling plans, we’re choosing the best plan for where everyone is at that day. I hope you all have the most fun in the outdoors this summer and that folks will share their tips in the comments!

Q15:

A week ago, I went on a first date with someone from an app. I thought the date was fine: not amazing-instant-connection, not never-seeing-you-again. At the end of the date, they told me they’d really like to see me again when I’m free (I’ve been super busy lately and had to cancel on them a few times). Then I asked if I could kiss them, and they said they were feeling shy. They gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I texted afterwards checking in about whether me asking that had made them feel weird/uncomfortable, and they said it was “not weird at all :)”

I was open to going on a second date with them and we’ve been very sporadically texting over the past week: I’ve been busy and it often takes me a few days to respond. I texted them yesterday suggesting we hang out, and today they texted me saying: “If I’m honest I feel a little overwhelmed in a few of my relationships atm so perhaps it’s just not the best time for me to be striking up something new.. it was lovely to meet you, perhaps down the line things will be different and our paths will cross again. Hope you’re enjoying the sun xo”

Two questions:

1. Does that text mean they’re actually overwhelmed rn, or is it just a nice way of saying they’re not into me? I always tell people honestly (but kindly!) when I’m not feeling it, and I really struggle to read between the lines when people don’t do that.

2. In my reply, I’m going to say thanks for being honest & that that’s totally okay (which it is!). Would it be appropriate for me to also say ‘let me know if you have capacity in the future, maybe we can hang out again’, or would that be creepy/insistent/pathetic?

A:

Ro:

1. You’ll never know if their text was an honest depiction of their feelings or if it was just a nice way of ending things. I know the uncertainty sucks, but regardless of their reasons for cutting things off, the result is the same: This person doesn’t want to continue dating right now.

2. Since they said “perhaps down the line things will be different and our paths will cross again,” then I don’t think it would be weird for you to say something similar in response. But to play it safe, it might be best to mirror their language with something like: “I totally understand — thanks for letting me know. I really enjoyed meeting you and hope our paths cross again.” When you say it like that, you’re not making any specific requests — you’re just letting this person know that you’d be open to dating again in the future. Saying “let me know if you have capacity in the future” doesn’t come off as creepy or insistent to me, but might put them in a weird spot if they weren’t totally honest about why they cut things off. I hope this helps!

Q16:

Nsfw sexy advice needed please: here I go…
I have a problem I am alternately calling ‘Sad Wet Meowmeow’ or ‘Pathetic Self-Bottom Syndrome’.

I am mostly a bottom, afab, switching for partner pleasure and when the planets align, and I have a healthy relationship with masturbation. Except for the last year… I’m able to get myself 95% of the way…and I Simply CANNOY bring myself fully off. Like I just can’t get all the way there by myself, not with toys, not with vibrators or a mix and match of all the things! The only thing that actually gets me off fully is… a partner being involved!!! But that’s not the same as my routine masturbation for stress relief etc and by god does it sound a bit grim the couple of times it’s been understood that it was for ‘maintenance of my body/stress levels’ rather than romance, connection, partner-to-partner horniness etc, esp as my partner’s sex drive is much lower/less frequently *ACTIVATED* than mine. I’m non-monogamous but in a demisexual way where the only other person I want to do this with would be a best friend who lives in another country, so non-monogamous dating to find a partner to help with this unfortunately isn’t on my books.

Any advice for a sad wet meowmeow who swoons like a Victorian lady when they get close then lies there like mashed horny potato?! Do I finally need to buy a sex machine thing or learn robotics with a dildo?

Thanks and yours always,
Sad Wet Meowmeow

A:

Ro: I’m sorry you’re going through this — that sounds so frustrating! Here are two options:

1. You might be needing more mental stimulation and excitement in order to get off, and, yeah, getting off solo isn’t always that exciting — hence, your “sad wet meowmeow” (which should be a band name, by the way). To keep things interesting, try reading erotica, watching porn, listening to ASMR or audio erotica, filming yourself, or masturbating in front of a mirror. All of those activities can really amp up the mental stimulation, which should allow your physical stimulation to be more effective.

2. You might be needing a different type of physical stimulation. Are there things partners do to you body that you haven’t been able to do to yourself? If so, there’s probably a sex toy that can do the job. For example, there are plenty of thrusting toys on the market that feel a LOT like vigorous penetration from a partner’s fingers or strap-on — just close your eyes and imagine that another person is there.

One more thing! You wrote that a couple OF times, it’s been understood that your partner was fucking you for “’maintenance of my body/stress levels’ rather than romance, connection, partner-to-partner horniness, etc.,” and, friend, as long as your partner was/is okay with “maintenance” fucking, that’s totally okay! Sex in real life doesn’t look like sex in movies. It isn’t always spontaneous, and it isn’t always motivated by straight-up lust. People have sex for all kinds of reasons, and as long as you and the person (or people) you’re fucking are comfortable with what’s happening, then you can do whatever works for your bodies and relationship.

Q17:

I have a question about sex and touch. I’m definitely a “responsive desire” person: once I’m in it I’m loving it, but even on a good day it’s hard for me to actually remember sex and initiate. When I’m stressed out or anxious, it’s even more so. My sex drive really shuts off and intimate touch is truly the very last thing on my mind. The problem is, I tend to close off physically from my partner during times of stress, then we end up in a dry spell, then I start feeling disconnected from them, which adds to my stress. Intellectually, I know that sharing touch during stressful times is good for my both mental well-being and our relationship. And I know that once I’m doing it, I really love it and never regret it! Yet if I’m exhausted or anxious I have a hard time mustering the energy and willpower to get past the part of me that just simply does NOT want to. I know we’re taught that we should never do anything we don’t want to do sexually – and my partner is amazing about respecting my boundaries and never pushes me – but what if I don’t want to, but I WANT TO want to? Overriding the signals my body is sending me seems like a bad framing, but is there a healthy way to push myself to be physical when I’m not feeling it, but I WANT to be feeling it, and know touch would be beneficial?? And anything I can ask my partner to do to help?

A:

Ro: You are definitely not alone in this, and I’m so sorry you’re struggling. Sometimes the messaging we get around sex and consent can be confusing, because of COURSE we shouldn’t do anything sexually we “don’t want to do,” but ALSO some of us want to push ourselves out of our comfort zones a bit to get back into our erotic rhythm and experience all the pleasure and intimacy that comes from sexual connection. You are the only person who knows if/when you need to push yourself in this way, and from your message, it sounds like pushing yourself is exactly what you want to do. It also sounds like you have a supportive, respectful partner who isn’t trying to steer you down any particular path. So if you’d like to give yourself a little push, here are some ideas:

1. Schedule regular intimate time (or cuddling time, or whatever you want to call it) with your partner. The physical touch that happens during that time doesn’t have to result in sex, but it certainly can. The goal is just to be physically present with one another and enjoy each other’s bodies, which can help you access the intimacy you’re missing out on during sexual dry spells. Setting aside intentional time for touch can also take the pressure off of initiating sex spontaneously, and relaxing with your partner might help you feel more open to sex during those times or in the future.

2. Masturbate regularly (maybe once or twice a week?), even if your body isn’t craving it. You don’t have to make yourself orgasm — just treat yourself to some solo, sensual touch. Sometimes when you’ve gone through a long dry spell, your body just needs to be reminded of what sexual pleasure feels like in order to feel desire again.

3. Mutually masturbate with your partner, watch your partner masturbate, or ask them to watch you masturbate. These are low-energy, low-stakes ways to experience pleasure that don’t involve lots of time and choreography, and they might help you feel physically connected to your partner during times when you’re not wanting full-out sex.

Q18:

Happy Lesbian Visibility Week to all the lesbians on staff! I’m hoping for some advice here… I’m a lesbian, and I’ve identified as a lesbian for half my life, since I was a little baby middle schooler. It’s a huge part of my identify, it’s where I find community, it’s who I am… but I’m now dating someone who is genderqueer. Is it okay to still call myself a lesbian? I wouldn’t want them to feel like I see them as a woman, because I don’t. They’re them. I still strongly identify as a lesbian though, and I can’t imagine giving it up. I particularly like lesbian for it’s exclusion of men. Bisexual or pansexual or even queer don’t feel like accurate descriptions of my sexuality. (I do use gay also.)

A:

Darcy: I’m curious if you’ve talked to your partner about this — not for permission, exactly (your identity and your choices are your own), but just to see how they feel. I’m a nonbinary person who would feel very comfortable dating someone who identified as a lesbian, as long as they weren’t…putting me in a feminine/womanly box in other ways that made me feel like they weren’t really seeing me. That said, I’m just not a person who tends to feel very literal about labels, and I’m open to hearing from others who might feel differently! Basically, it comes down to this: gender, sexuality, life are all a great big glorious messy galaxy! If I were dating someone who identified strongly as a lesbian, the most important thing to me wouldn’t be what other people thought or how strangers might define the word, but knowing what it meant to my partner personally, and feeling confident that there was a place for me within it.

Nico: I’m also genderqueer / nonbinary / genderfluid and feel totally fine about anyone who identifies in any way queerly sticking with the label that makes them feel most comfortable and authentic when dating me. I’m more gender maximalist than a-gender though, so that might be a different thing to consider. I also recognize that the word “lesbian” has meant so much and so many things over the years and that gender non-conforming people, trans people and/or nonbinary people have historically been a part of lesbian spaces and community and have been in relationships with lesbians. Obviously, I would discuss this with your partner and see how they feel because how they feel might be completely 180 degrees the opposite. But when you do that, I would definitely reassure them of the truth and try to keep the conversation grounded there, which is that this isn’t about how you see them (you see and honor their gender identity), but it’s about how you see yourself (as a lesbian). I hope that helps and also Happy Belated Lesbian Visibility Week!

Q19:

I’ve recently come to the realization that I’m some sort of butch lesbian, which would be fine, except that I’ve been out as ace for 10+ years and vividly remember that the community we now call terfs started as a bunch of lesbians who decided to try to kick asexual and aromantic people out of the queer community. and they largely succeeded. the ace community as it exists online today is Much smaller and less informed than it once was. to this day I see someone with a lesbian flag icon and my first instinct is to Not Trust Them Ever. I know that online community is often a hot mess, but when I spend time in irl kink spaces the amount of casual allonormativity I see is both surprising and upsetting. there might be a question in there somewhere, idk help

part two which might or might not be related or maybe can be in a separate ask. how do I stop feeling like I betrayed my trans community by choosing an easy way out and identifying as “just” a butch person?

A:

Darcy: I’m going to speak a little bit about my own experience, while recognizing that yours is a little different — namely, you’re not a baby queer at the beginning of your journey. But when I was younger, I was very caught up in and worried by the gatekeeping that happened in online (and some in-person) communities. I worried a lot about what people would think of me for all sorts of parts of my history and identity. I eventually found my way to the communities that were less gatekeepy (thanks in large part to Autostraddle and A-Camp), and I realized that those gatekeepers just…weren’t my people. And I didn’t have to justify myself to or try to get along with people who were not my people!

I do realize that your question, and situation, have some real differences, and that you’re dealing with some material ways that gatekeeping has blown back and affected your communities and spaces, even the ones with *your people* in them. But even so, I do think that you can work to get your brain in a better place around this stuff. Our thoughts tend to go down familiar paths, but we can build new pathways for our thoughts to go! So when you are feeling like you “betrayed the trans community” or “don’t belong” as an ace person, I want you to speak firmly to those thoughts, like you would when you need your dog to drop a chicken bone he found in the park. “I belong here.” “My identity is valid.” “My identity is my own.” “My identity is not a referendum on anyone else’s.” Etc. If you need to, write down a list of positive statements about your identity and selfhood. Post-its are great! Feel free to say them out loud, too. As many times as it takes! Fake it til you make it — eventually, I do think you’ll start to believe yourself!

Because it’s true, friend. Fuck the TERFs, fuck the gatekeepers. Your identity as an ace person and as a butch lesbian is yours, and it’s valid. I see you, and I’m glad you’re here!

Q20:

Dear A-team,

After years of misunderstandings, miscommunication and hurt feelings, my girlfriend and I finally came to a place of excellent communication and openness and mutual understanding, only to find out in this space that we have fundamentally different ideas about relationships, and that was the source of all our problems. Whereas I, when I am in love with someone (as I am with her, deeply), think they are the hottest person in the world and want to bang them extra much, her sexual interest wanes with emotional closeness and safety, and she says there is no such thing as the hottest person in the world for her. Obvi both of these are valid ways of relating, and also obvi this seems like a major dealbreaker, right? I just feel like I might be making the biggest mistake of my life by breaking up – I am actively in love with her, she wants to be my wife, in day-to-day life we make excellent partners, and we have been together for the past five years, through COVID and the deaths of both of my parents and my grandmother. I am devastated that such a seemingly small and impermanent thing as sex is gonna be the thing I dump the love of my life (and the hottest girl in the world!) for. We want to forget about this for the moment and not make any decisions until we go on and come back from vacation in two weeks but it will not let me go and I feel like I’m going crazy. I guess I am looking for either proof that it isn’t such a big deal and we need to calm the fuck down, or proof that it is and I am not making the stupidest mistake of my life! I would appreciate any advice y’all have! Thanks 😢❤️

– Preemptively Heartbroken

A:

Ro: I think it’s totally okay to end a relationship due to differences in desire IF you and your partner have already tried and tried to work through it. From what you’ve written here, it seems like you and your partner discussed the issue and concluded that you experience desire differently in relationships, so — now what? This is your opportunity to strategize. Is your partner interested in trying to enhance her sexual desire, or is she totally happy without sex? Are there other ways you can enjoy physical intimacy together — cuddling, making out, massaging each other, kinky play, mutual masturbation, etc. — that don’t involve full-out sex? Is your partner open to those things, and would those things be enough to help you meet your physical touch needs? Have you tried seeing a sex therapist together? There are plenty of steps that can happen BEFORE you pull the plug on what sounds like an otherwise happy relationship. If you go through those steps and there’s still no change — or if your partner is unable or unwilling to work on this with you — then that’s your sign to step away.

Q21:

Over the pandemic, I came to realise that I am a non-binary lesbian, and have only just started to embrace it. However, it feels like I can’t get over the “shame” of being gay; since I initially came out as bi at sixteen; and also not helped by the fact I had a mental breakdown last year, and also being Autistic.

As well as that, there’s also a part of me that feels “embarrassed” by how I discovered I was gay. Where it felt like my peers had some magical “queer revelation”, my gay awakening was… Bayonetta, of all things (and Edelgard from Fire Emblem; she’s such a babe). I understand it’s nothing to be embarrassed by, but comparing my experience to others makes me feel… stupid, when it shouldn’t.

How do I embrace myself without feeling ashamed or embarrassed?

A:

Nico: First of all, congrats on this self-discovery! I feel like life and existence are inherently embarrassing in a lot of ways, so I just want to give you a consensual virtual hug (or wave or whatever feels best) and be like, yeah, it’s okay. When I was a tween I used to steal my mom’s VICTORIA’S SECRET magazines. That shit’s embarassing. It’s also fine. Your queer awakening does not have to be romanticize-a-ble. It makes me feel like, in terms of my Catholic upbringing, about people seeing religious visions. Some people see a saint floating over them, surrounded in clouds and sunbeams and with angels trumpeting. And some people get someone’s face imprinted in a piece of toast. They’re both still miracles, though! And yeah, I do think that whatever you can do to remind yourself that comparing yourself to other people will never be helpful to you will be so, so helpful!

When it comes to feeling shame about being gay, that is so hard. You don’t say anything about your background or the way you were raised, but I think we don’t just get these feelings from our culture, but also from our families. As for things you can do moving forward to help cope with feelings of shame:

1. You can talk openly (I know this is hard!) about your feelings with queer friends who you trust. Talking through feelings with people who will give you the benefit of the doubt and who hold your best interests at heart can be super cathartic and can also help you work out why you feel the way you do.
2. You can openly confront and name what is making you feel shame and try to think it through logically. Like, I don’t know, say you see an attractive human and you look at them and feel attraction and then you feel shame because of that, because you’re thinking like “I’m being predatory.” You can take a step back from that and ask yourself “Well what was predatory? Did I just glance at them and think about the fact that I was attracted to them? Was that really predatory or is that literally how countless human romantic relationships have begun? Did I act inappropriately, cross boundaries, do anything to make that person feel uncomfortable?” Because, friend, if no, you weren’t acting inappropriately, then there’s nothing to feel shame about right? I think there is a lot of internal work that has to go on when confronting internalized homo/bi/etc-phobia. And it has to be active, but I have gotten results from similar mental exercises and I think it’s worth a try.
3. Therapy! If you can find a culturally competent therapist who can work with you on your feelings, I think it could help a lot. If you have an LGBTQ services center near you, that might be a good place to look, especially because any therapists working out of the center are going to be trained in issues specific to queer people.
4. Consume queer media. Seeing representations of gay people can be super healing — it’s why we as an LGBTQ community are kind of quite obsessed when it happens, right? (Not to speak for everyone, but it’s a trend.) Here’s a list of queer video games from 2022. I’d also check out our video game tag. Obviously this is just one type of media, but I really do recommend just intentionally submerging yourself into queerness in whatever forms appeal to you. This is so you can normalize being gay for yourself (or like, if you want to think of it as exposure therapy) and so you can safely explore all the many facets of queerness and gender and identity in a way that allows you to process internally while enjoying some recreational time!

Q22:

Hi lovely people! I am in need of advice for how to deal with guilt following a breakup. I recently ended a very serious relationship of about a year with a person I do love and care for deeply. One of the main reasons for the breakup was unfortunately the fact that I was no longer able to deal with some of the effects of my ex’s mental health issues (BPD). Throughout the course of the relationship, I was unable to distance myself sufficiently from the way in which Borderline affected her behavior towards me, which could border on the emotionally abusive, and the demands of it, like dealing with her bouts of intense criticism and rejection, talking through and patching up things again, me unfortunately feeling responsible for her every emotion, etc, left me close to emotional and mental burnout. Still, I know that none of these were really “her fault”, that she loved me very much, that I was one of few sources of love and stability in her life, and that the breakup crushed her and has probably worsened a lot of her issues at least temporarily (we are currently pretty much no contact). I was raised to believe that “love conquers all”, and I can’t help but feel absolutely horrible for not being able to stick it out with her and bear with her on her road to recovery. I want to heal, but I feel guilty even for healing. Help…

A:

Nico: Hello there I just ended a 5 year relationship yesterday, and yeah, even being the breaker-upper, it still hurts deeply. And the guilt hurts too. And being more “okay” than the other person hurts. But the truth is, you weren’t okay either, right? Love doesn’t conquer all if you aren’t getting your needs met in a relationship and circumstances are such that no amount of work is going to result in that happening. Mental health diagnoses are also always complicated because there is totally, absolutely certain you have for your ex’s experience with having serious symptoms, and at the same time, hurt people can hurt people. The thing about most breakups is that once you go forward with breaking up, then you’re on two different paths and you are each responsible for your own healing. Because you’re two different people, there was always going to be one person who maybe heals “faster,” and certainly, your journeys were always going to be different. That’s just the reality of being your own person.

Your healing does not stop someone else from healing. And the world will benefit from you being more healed and being able to bring more of your authentic awesome self into it, to be in a place where you can engage with your community, be of help to others and do whatever it is you do that makes you, you. There are also a few boundaries you can have to help prevent you from feeling more guilty, like making sure you’re not speaking ill of your ex to mutual friends so she can engage with them on her own terms, blocking your ex on social media so she can’t see your posts if you want to post about your healing journey, generally not trying to be in the same spaces for now. I also really love this YNH post Kayla wrote about getting over breaking an ex’s heart. I hope that you both were able to learn and grow in this relationship, and that you’ll both heal, but in the meantime, you’re each responsible for yourself. Sending you both love.

Q23:

Hi!

I’m looking I guess more for insight/thoughts on this than an “answer” perse…
I’ve noticed recently that my physical and romantic attractions don’t usually line up – in that the “types” I’m physically(sexually?) attracted (who I just want to makeout or hook up with rather than date) to tend to be masc or butch and extroverted/life of the party people whereas people I can see myself dating/being in a relationship with tend to be more similar to me – femme and homebody/introverted but I don’t have the same “lust” feeling for them so I’m always worried it won’t work out if there’s not enough initial physical/sexual attraction. I also thought I was 110% monogamous but now I’m questioning that maybe it’s because I had a very toxic and painful introduction to poly experience?

Anyways, I’d be curious to know if this is something you guys feel or if it ties into your relationship style at all? Or if I just haven’t found someone who merges both my attraction types?
Thanks!!

A:

Nico: I think my first question is: is this theoretical? You haven’t mentioned dating people across your attraction spectrum and I really feel like it’s okay to test the waters while dating and not worry too, too much about how things are gonna go until you know what your chemistry is like when you’re with someone else in-person. Like, I feel like you’re describing types, but everyone is their own person and you never know! You could be surprised!

As far as wondering whether you’re poly, that’s a great question that only you can answer! I do like to turn folks to our extensive resources on polyamory though, and also, the next themed advice box is going to be on polyamory if you wanna send in further q’s! I think I would start with engaging with these articles, as well as books and podcasts about polyamory to see if the feelings other people are talking about in any way remind you of yours, and then to go from there. Wishing you tons of luck in dating and beyond!

Q24:

This is going to sound like a really big and loaded question but it’s been weighing on me for a while.

How do you NOT priortize your own comfort?

A:

Nico: I am so sorry to say this but I think I am gonna need you to send in more detail. Do you mean…not looking toward your comfort from a perspective of confronting yourself about things you need to work on and be accountable for…or do you mean like, in terms of maybe something like being uncomfortable in a group setting and then doing something to fix it (eg going home early from a get together)? Because I think there are so many different types of “comfort” you could be talking about here. In the case of the former, yeah, you have to set aside your own comfort in order to do important work and what’s right. In terms of the latter, it depends on a host of factors but if you don’t have any obligations to anyone else to worry about, sure, you can look to your own comfort. I don’t think that there is a blanket response to this, though, because we are in varying levels of comfort throughout any given day, throughout our lives, for a variety of reasons and I think it really depends on the context.

Q25:

I have treatment-resistant ADHD, and it manifests as extreme difficulty reading. I love stories, and I also can never focus and end up reading the same sentence over and over because it goes in one eye and out the other. I’ve tried audio books, but I still can’t focus, and I can’t keep going back to re-listen to each sentence. I am going back to school and am going to need to be able to do a lot of reading. I am working with a psychiatrist, but do any of y’all have any tips for focusing/reading that you can share? I can apply for accommodations, but I don’t even know what the accommodation options are! Thank you kindly.

A:

Darcy: Your mileage may vary with this (to to speak), but I also have ADHD, and one way that I am able to really focus on and get into a book is if I am listening to the audio version while I am driving, walking, or taking transit (and sitting by a window specifically). Something about the movement and the scenery going by allows my brain to settle down into the words. It may not work for you, but it might be worth a try! Another thing that has helped me for dense texts, like Shakespeare, is to listen to the audiobook while reading the words on the page simultaneously. Also: checking out e-book versions and making the font much larger than I need it to be. Good luck out there!

Riese: I also have ADHD and I’ve often found having two things going on at once is sort of an ideal state, because then my brain isn’t seeking alternate distractions, it’s already overwhelmed with the two I have going on. For me it really helps to listen to an audiobook while I’m working on a jigsaw puzzle, I can sort of zone out and get into it without my brain looking for a break from something else. I also second Darcy that listening to books while going on drives has been helpful since again, two activities! I often do the thing where I get an ebook from the library, and the audiobook from audible, and then make them sync up so as I’m listening I can also see the highlighter going through the words on the page. That said, I do often still zone out and have to skip back, but that’s ok, we’re all in this struggle together.

Q26:

In the context of dating (like going on dates with a new person but you’re not in a relationship) I tend to assume that if they’re not suggesting/initiating meetups – even if they seem to have a good time when we go out and are enthusiastic when I suggest things – that they’re not interested. As someone who realized they were gay kind of late I’ve only dated a few people and would like y’all’s experienced input :)) am I overthinking it? Is that a good sign they’re not interested? Obviously this depends on the person but if you were in that situation as the other person what would that mean from you?

p.s Generally this is over text/messaging apps and I tend to be the person initiating activities with friends/partners/crushes etc in my life
thank youuu

A:

Riese: I was about to be like “yes that is a good sign they’re not interested” but then I realized that probably like everybody I’ve ever dated has felt this way about me, because I am just awful at initiating literally anything, even like, seeing a friend? This is definitely for me relating to work and my feeling that I need to be working every waking hour of every day and therefore generally only don’t work if someone asks me to do something else. So in conclusion, I think it depends on the person! I don’t think I’d ever have had a single relationship in my life if they’d waited for me to take the initiative to hang out. That said, there definitely comes a point where I will start initiating because I miss that person and want to see them. So I think there’s probably a time period limit on this — maybe the first few weeks it’s not necessarily a bad sign if you’re always the one suggesting the hangs, but if it’s still like that after a month, I’d say it’s safe to take it as a sign that it’s time to move on.

Kayla: Similarly to Riese, I think it actually depends! It’s possibly a sign they’re not interested or it’s possibly a sign that they just don’t generally take the lead on things like that themselves. I’d say if you want to keep initiating hangs with someone, go for it, and if they’re genuinely not interested they’ll likely decline (or ghost), which would be a stronger indication of their lack of interest. But if you’d rather be hanging out with/talking to people who are more likely to initiate, then you can always move along to other people.

Q27:

Am I normal? Sometimes I have feelings about my partner and my age gap (less than 10 years), but not ones that make me too upset/weirded out and they don’t make me want to break up with them.

A:

Kayla: Hi! I’m not exactly sure what the question is, perhaps that you do have some concerns about your age gap in your relationship but not big enough to consider a breakup? I mean, yeah I think that’s normal! It’s not a bad thing to be aware of how certain power imbalances manifest in a relationship; in fact, that’s a good thing. I think talking openly about your concerns or the feelings as they come up is the key. Age gaps are kind of different for everyone, so I don’t have some formulaic advice to give you here (my relationship has a 12 year age gap), but I know so long as you’re acknowledging your feelings, working through any potential conflict, and not just bottling things up, then that’s the best way to move through this kind of relationhip.

Q28:

This might be ethics? For a long time, I’ve used the definition of bisexuality where it’s like “attracted to people of the same gender and people of different genders” rather than “attracted to Men and Women.” I think I heard it first from Gabe Dunn a million years ago but now it’s like, did I imagine this?? Does anyone else think of bisexuality this way?

‘Cause I hear people saying that bisexual feels too limiting or that it enforces the gender binary. Obviously no one has to ID as bisexual, but I always feel a little sad/confused to hear this as a lady who identifies as bisexual and is for sure attracted to gender-nonconforming folks.

A:

Riese: I think it means “attracted to people of the same gender and people of different genders.” The definition of words can shift over time as our understanding of sexuality and gender and ourselves also shifts. In the olden days we used it to mean being attracted to men and women, but that’s because a lot of people were ignorant to the concept of non-binary gender identities. But I think it hopefully can mean whatever you want it to mean!

Kayla: Yeah I totally agree with your definition, but I also just think this all comes down to personal preference! Some people might not ID as bi because they’re not comfortable with it, but so long as they aren’t shaming you for IDing that way, everything’s good!

Q29:

I cheated on my partner. I can’t believe I just wrote that down. I know, it’s fucked up. But I did it and I can’t take it back.

For a long time I’ve considered myself to be a soft butch lesbian. But there’s always been a little part of me deep down that was split between that soft butch persona, and being a soft gay guy. (Especially felt this when I saw the movie Maurice for the first time.) I’m going to be frank, I have thought excessivly about what it’d be like to have a penis. I hate the thought of being with another guy as a woman, but being with a guy as a guy-that turns me on a lot. I’ve been supressing that for a really long time, out of shame and self concious and me knowing that I could never get to be “normal” cis guy. I know I’ve always loved the thought of being with women-but only as a butch woman. And I have had great experiences with women. I love my partner. She means so much to and she’s such a good and loving person. But lately I’ve just been longing for more. I’m scared to admit to any possibility of me being trans. Which I’m not even a hundred percent sure of. So I did the wrong thing-I didn’t talk about it with her and ask how she’d feel about trying to hook up with a guy. I just went ahead and did it while she was at her friends house for the weekend. Now I’m facing her again with this whirwind of emotions and I’m so scared of talking to her about it. Not only am I questioning gender and all that! I’m questioning the logistics of our whole relationship. I’m just really scared right now. I know I’m not the victim here, I know I was in the wrong, but I am really scared. I’d appreciate some advice.

A:

Nico: Hello there and thank you for writing in and trusting us with this vulnerable question. I am going to address two separate things going on right now.

1) You cheated on your partner. You know this, and you probably already can guess that I do think you have to be up front and honest about this — and soon — however scared it makes you. I think you need to do what you need to do to tell her about this soon, if you haven’t already. In-person is best. She will likely be hurt. You will have some explaining to do. Your relationship may or may not survive this and that’s up to her and you both and what you do with the relationship after this breach of trust, but the first step is honesty.

2) You have a lot of gender feelings here! As a gender fluid person, I can attest that I have felt different ways about my gender and presentation during different time periods — from maybe perhaps a man to really truly not, from femme to masc and back again. I also know that like, we don’t exist in a vacuum and sometimes your chemistry with another person might affect how you’re feeling about your own identity. In other words, yeah, it is a thing to want to engage with men as a man and with women as a different facet of your identity. Things can be fluid. I’m not saying this is how you have to identify but, if I can reassure you in any way, your feelings sound very familiar to me and you are gonna be okay and I hope that you’ll give yourself time and space and grace on your gender journey.

Now, I don’t think there’s any way to avoid anxiety around telling your partner what happened, unfortunately. You can talk to a therapist or friend ahead of time about managing that anxiety and making a plan so you don’t back down, and a plan for taking care of yourself in the aftermath, but you gotta do it! Good luck!

Q30:

My mom is a Mixed but lighter skinned woman from Columbia and my Dad’s white. I grew up in mostly white suburbs but in a bilingual household and my skin is light, and I’m white and I got white privilege, and sometimes I feel a little split across cultures but mostly it’s an internal issue and I don’t really face discrimination. There’s parts of me that like to connect and relate to aspects of Latin American identity, but also there’s a lot I haven’t had to deal with. I’m all about social justice issues. I go to marches, I’m a broke college student but I still try to donate to mutual aid funds when I can, I try to educate myself and read literature and essays, and recently I’ve been trying to educate myself more on racism across the Americas. For instance I’ve been reading a lot from people like Dash Harris Machado and Alán Pelaez Lopez, as well as other books and literature. and I agree wholeheartedly with all the points these great people are making. And that’s why I’m so pissed at myself for feeling so insecure. why do I feel so insecure? I know there must be someway to still feel an appreciation for your cultural roots (it was one way my mom and I bonded, which was nice because our relationship hadn’t been the easiest!) but also denounce white supremacy, latindad, and colonialism. How do I properly self interrogate myself? What are the questions I should be asking?

P.S. sorry to take up space here with my white guilt.

A:

Carmen: I wanted to start this answer off with what I hope is really comforting news — you are absolutely not alone here. In fact, before I even got to the part where you identified yourself as a college student, I could have already guessed it because the questions you are asking are the kind that every mixed kid I knew in college used to talk about together at our favorite coffee shop near campus, in class, pretty much… everywhere.

I hope you take that as the compliment that I intended it as, you are a part of a well loved club. Obviously, of course, the specifics of my mixed identity doesn’t include white privilege. Though I have a lot of experience with growing up with a Latina mom who taught me a lot of pride in my heritage only to feel like I don’t belong in Latin American and Latine groups at college because of an assumption of my identity. What I learned works best is to be who I am. I’m Puerto Rican, I’m proud of being Puerto Rican and that doesn’t change based on any assumptions that any one else makes. I found that by leading with that, I was more welcome in any room than I expected because if I didn’t make a big deal out of feeling excluded, it turned out that… well, I wasn’t. Most people want to make room for you, not the opposite. You already alluded to this in your letter, which means you’re already on the right track, but there’s a good chance that as it might be you inside your own head that is your biggest obstacle here. Everyone else will most likely take you as exactly who you say you are.

And the best part of that is that it seems you’re already extremely clear of who you are, and you are aware of the ways that your whiteness and white privilege can (unintentionally, or intentionally if left unchecked) take up a lot of room in a space. When you said this, I already knew you had it: “I know there must be someway to still feel an appreciation for your cultural roots… but also denounce white supremacy, latindad, and colonialism.” The answer is: You just do it! You do exactly that. You can hold complex, conflicting identities in your hands because life is not easy. It is full of nuance, as are we. You can be proud of your Colombiane roots and also denounce white supremacy. And keeping that at the front of your mind will guide you in your interactions, it will help you know when to speak up and also when to step back. When overlaps with your experiences as a Latine person are relevant, and when your whiteness means that you need to make space for others instead.

You are young and you are already asking all the right questions, that level of self-interrogation is so important! I am a thousand percent certain that you, my friend, got this. Keep going.