Feature image via Kemal Yildirim / Getty Images

Welcome to the 82^nd edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed like this one! Next month’s theme is “ethics.” What are the sticky questions you’re asking yourself about what’s right and what’s wrong? What have you gone back and forth on in your heart? Is there something where, maybe, you’re afraid your feelings are getting in the way of what is actually just? Is there a concept you’re seeing frequently that you just don’t “get”? Do you need help and support in doing what’s right even when faced with opposition or ridicule? Trust me: been there! Let’s tackle this together. Get those questions in by Monday, May 8th!

The general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

Hi! I had a camping related advice question. TLDR How do I show up for my friends and strengthen our relationships after a camping trip went wrong? My vibrant and wonderful lgbt+ friendship group helped me organise a week long camping trip that would allow us to socialise within our covid bubble outdoors. The trip was also planned so that I could invite my parents, who I hadn’t seen since the pandemic started for shielding reasons. I was excited to introduce members of my found family to my genetic family. We set up on neighbouring pitches. I had a great time with my friends on the trip, when it was just us hanging out, cooking and playing games. But unfortunately my father behaved terribly throughout the trip. He was judgemental, unfriendly and defensive throughout the trip in every interaction with my friends. He was mocking and ableist to one of my friends, racist about another through multiple microagressions. Additionally he didnt take the covid test everyone agreed to before the trip until I begged him. It had been 4 yrs since I lived with him, and during this time I had grown to underestimate his bad behaviours and unacceptable opinions. I actively criticised each statement directly after he said it, getting him to stop or leave us alone. I tried to shield my friends and call it out as it happened. I wish I had more foresight and never put my friends in a social situation with him. My friends were understandably bothered by his actions. If you were my friends, how would you want me to hold myself and him accountable? Suggestions for how to show my friends I value them and their comfort for future outdoor trip plans?

A:

Kayla: I want to start by saying that you should not blame yourself for your father’s behaviors. It sounds like you did not at all anticipate any of this happening, and I think the fact that you haven’t lived with your parents in a long time and also haven’t seen them since the pandemic started means it makes sense that you would be farther removed from your father’s bad behaviors and therefore not really able to anticipate them. There’s only so much foresight you can have in situations like this. I also would understand if you reasonably thought and hoped your parents had grown in past years — that’s a normal thing to want and hope for! And if this was the first time you really blended your given and chosen families, then you didn’t really have past “data” to go off of for how this would go. It sounds like you made it clear on the trip that you did not support your father’s actions and words. For me, that combined with a quick convo after the trip acknowledging the problem and a commitment to not try this particular experiment again any time soon would be all I needed from a friend. I don’t hold my friends’ families against them. Planning a camping trip that’s only for your friends this time is the way forward imo!

Vanessa: I agree with Kayla wholeheartedly! I really appreciate your desire to make things right with your friends, and I think that’s the correct instinct. But I also want to gently push back about the idea of holding yourself accountable for someone else’s behavior. Life is full of shitty situations, and it’s important to apologize and rectify things when you are in the wrong. But something about the language of holding yourself accountable to your chosen family about your father’s actions gives me pause. Friendship is nuanced. We owe each other everything, in some ways — we are all we have. But that “owing” goes both ways. I think Kayla’s point about not holding someone’s family against them is really the heart of it here. Perhaps you shouldn’t have put your parents and your chosen family together, but aside from that, you didn’t do anything wrong. I would hope your friends can see that and can show you empathy and understanding even while holding their own hurt or distress from this trip. It seems reasonable to agree not to spend time with your father together, but aside from that, I don’t believe you are accountable for anything other than continuing to show up for your chosen family — and I hope they do the same for you.

Q2:

this is for the camping box!
I am looking for tips on tick safety! I grew up in the west where ticks do not generally carry Lyme disease but now I live on the east coast and am finding that I feel somewhat i’ll-equipped in terms of tick prevention and safety. I know basic things like tucking your pants into your socks and not walking in long grass, but my main questions are: 1) how do I do a thorough tick check on myself if I am camping alone? With a flashlight in my little tent? Deer ticks are so small I am afraid I would miss one if it were on me. 2) If I do find one that has bitten me, how do I get it off me safely with the head still attached? 3) Is there anything else I should do if I get bitten besides call my doctor immediately? Are there any other tips or products I should know about? All of it makes me nervous and it has resulted in me avoiding camping during peak tick season for the past couple years, and I would really like to just have a better handle on everything. Thank you!!

A:

Nico: Okay, so, you are gonna want to make good use of repellents. For ticks, I actually recommend picaridin. You want like a 20% picaridin concentration. Check the label, but this stuff should also be good to spray on your clothing, tent, sleeping bag and outerwear. And you want to be doing that. If you also want to target mosquitoes and ticks at the same time, you are gonna want to use an insect repellent with like 25% DEET. This is not the time to be all non-toxic / all natural (at least in my opinion). Break out the chemicals. Lyme isn’t worth it. (Again, this is an opinion and please follow the advice of your medical professional). As for reapplication, follow the instructions for ticks as sometimes you need to apply every 8 hours for tick bite prevention as opposed to like every 12 for mosquitoes. (Although from personal experience, I don’t recommend getting West Nile ahahhahaha.) Repellent and covering yourself and putting picaridin on your clothing (if it says clothing safe on the bottle) is key to preventing yourself from getting bitten by those teeny tiny ticks because yes — they can be SO SMALL, especially in the spring when tick nymphs aren’t necessarily even visible to the eye but can still carry lyme. So prevention is your best bet.

Okay, also, I recommend doing daily visual inspections (or twice daily if you’re camping). You’re not just looking and feeling for ticks, you’re also checking for early signs of lyme (the typical rash) because it is my understanding from — LOL — being treated for lyme last spring, that if you catch the disease within 28 days or so, it’s treatable with a round of antibiotics, usually (again I am not a medical professional — this is just what I was told). This also means that you likely don’t have to RUSH HOME from your camping trip. A call to your doctor should be sufficient and you can follow their instructions from there. (The preceding stricken text is apparently no longer accurate as per CDC guidelines. See the updated info provided by a helpful member in the comments below!) I’m not a doctor and that isn’t medical advice, but it IS a reason to keep an eye on your body, even after camping trips, and go to the doctor if you see anything that looks like it could be a lyme disease rash. Okay, so, say you found a tick. That’s okay! That’s why you were checking, after all. You’ve been doing daily or twice daily inspections, so likely, according to studies, your chances of contracting lyme are low. I’d still contact your doctor and save the tick for testing, but at least you are doing everything you can, still, to prevent the worst outcome.

As for getting the tick out with the head…as someone who has a tick head permanently embedded in my knuckle under the skin (it looks like a freckle but is nooooooot), I gotta say this is harder than it looks. Once you start pulling on a tick, it’s going to start burrowing and hanging on for dear life. So, you basically want to line up the tweezers at skin level, then pinch and with a serious level of calm and self-assuredness, slowly and steadily pull the tick out without twisting. I am also seeing in the reviews for tick-removal tools (which I am not linking as the reviews are mixed), that some people make slip knots out of dental floss or thread for this purpose!!!

As for the mechanics of a thorough tick check — yes, you need to do this part. Get a headlamp/flashlight and mirror and make sure you’re doing it consistently. Go from one end of your body to the other, all in one session. Also, check your bedding. Hopefully you can get some reasonable-ish privacy in daylight for that? Especially, you are going to want to spend time looking through your hair and scalp (ask a friend to help if you can and return the favor) and also checking any natural crevasses in your body (knees and hips and between fingers and toes and armpits and groin and such).

I hope this was helpful and that you feel like you can go camping if you want! Unfortunately, Lyme disease is just something we’re going to deal with increasingly as we continue to destroy our natural environment and the deer population continues to explode and expand into urban areas. I feel for you as someone who lives in a tick-heavy area. It sucks! Having to be this vigilant sucks! So, just sending you some love.

Q3:

For the Traveling and Roadtrips advice box:

Hey yall,
I have undefined digestive issues that make it hard for me to eat food I haven’t prepared myself. I’m basically vegan (not entirely by choice) and can’t handle a lot of staples, like garlic, tomatoes, and onion. I’m really stressing out about a trip I have coming up this summer. We’ll be attending my grandmother’s funeral and a family reunion in a small town on the Kentucky/Tennessee border. It seems unlikely that I’ll find the food situation to be particularly accommodating, I won’t have access to a kitchen, I don’t know what kind of stores/restaurants will be around, and I don’t know this side of my family very well (I’m going just to be emotional support to my father). I know some of you have mentioned digestive issues in the past, so I was wondering if you had any advice for how to eat while traveling? Should I be bringing a bunch of food on the plane or is that ridiculous? Are there any filling foods that travel well and don’t take up a lot of space in a suitcase? Tips for finding niche food in a small town? Tips for dealing with stomach and head aches? I also get really awkward about turning down food, and I don’t want to get into my whole deal with a bunch of relatives I don’t know, so any simple things I can say to politely explain I can’t eat their food that will also end the conversation? I’ll be seeing a doctor about the situation before the trip, so that will hopefully make some things easier, but I’m doubtful and would just love to hear from people who’ve been through similar situations.
All my love and thanks for everything.

A:

Kayla: I don’t think it is ridiculous to pack some shelf-stable no-cook food in your suitcase for the trip! Just make sure it’s in your checked bag not your carryon. It’s hard for me to give specific recommendations without knowing allll of your specific needs/restrictions, but protein bars (that actually are high in protein, not ones that just claim to be), tinned/packaged fish like tuna, nuts and nut butters, cannellini beans, and granola are all packable and have protein. I also don’t know howwww small of a town we’re talking/how rural it is, but sometimes if I need a quick and easy protein-packed meal while on the road, I grab one of the snack boxes at Starbucks that has fruit, almond butter, an egg, nuts, etc. And yeah it can sometimes be hard to turn down food, but just keep it brief. You don’t owe lengthy explanations, it can be as simple as “unfortunately, I can’t eat that, but thank you.”

Vanessa: Ugh, I’m so sorry you’ll be dealing with this. I GET IT. Once again I agree with Kayla — not ridiculous to pack your own food, actually extremely reasonable imho! I would say for expressing yourself to your relatives, I lean heavily on the medical aspect of things when telling people who don’t “get it” why I can’t eat things. I’m really open about my body so this doesn’t feel like a burden to me, though I know not everyone wants to disclose medical stuff to people they’re not close with so ymmv. But I find a very firm “Oh I can’t eat that, it will make me very sick — trust me you don’t want me dealing with my IBS in your bathroom!” will shut down any further questions. If you don’t want to say the second part, cutting it off after the word “sick” works too. In terms of dealing with stomach pain when it happens, I rely heavily on ginger — the root itself in hot water as a tea and the chews which I find at regular grocery stores. For headaches I try to cut them off with ibuprofen before the pain gets too bad, and once I have one I basically just lie in bed with ice on my face which is not that helpful but I really don’t have better advice. I think, depending on how long you’ll be there, bringing your own food and remaining firm in your boundaries are the best advice I can give. And it’s really generous of you to be putting yourself in this situation for your father, so just want to shout that out, too. 💜

Stef Rubino: I just want to come in here and reiterate what Kayla and Vanessa have already said. I think it’s beautiful that you’re putting yourself in this situation for your dad! I would do the same. I personally don’t have any digestive issues, but my partner does. She can’t really eat flour, sugar, or starches (like potatoes and rice) in large (and sometimes even small) quantities and for my Italian-American family, this means she basically can’t eat much unless it’s specially prepared for her. The way we’ve navigated this is similar to what Vanessa said, we lean on the medical side of things: “No, because I can’t digest it and that will make me sick.” It’s not rude to assert your health and safety. You have a right to not feel like total garbage on this trip. As far as packing food goes, I would highly recommend it! Because of some of my own stuff I have going on, I have to make sure I’m getting a certain amount of some nutrients every single day, and the way I do that is by planning ahead. For a long weekend trip recently, I packed protein bars (I’m really into Quest and BareBells), pre-portioned protein shakes (water is always available so, I basically just took those snack size ziplocs and put the serving size amount of protein powder in each one, like two a day just in case), and some filling snacks like jerky (which is very clutch in this kind of scenario and I know they have vegan versions available), rice cakes with little travel sized peanut butter, Popcorners Flex chips and Quest chips, and Legendary Foods Tasty Pastries (basically like protein pop tarts…I love the hot fudge one!). All of them would travel well on a plane and do not need any kind of special storage. And if I was going to go on a longer trip, I’d also bring nuts, those Fiber One brownies and coffee cakes that are individually packaged, and veggies that don’t necessarily require cold storage (like baby carrots, for example). I know much of this is highly processed, which a lot of people don’t like, but getting in FILLING foods is tough with dietary issues and I just do what I need to do to get by in uncertain situations! In regards to finding niche foods in small towns, most places in my experience, even in the South, have that one cafe or restaurant that the locals would describe as “hippy-dippy” or something silly like that. I would recommend just asking the people you meet to see if they know anything that might be useful to you. You can also check in with places that serve other kinds of cuisines besides American or New American or Southern…they will sometimes have options for people who can’t eat certain things. And of course, if you see a place your family has chosen to eat at has nothing for you to eat, you should and could let your family know so that you can make other arrangements.

​​​​​​Ro: Hello, fellow stomach issue sufferer! I hate that you have to worry about food when you should be focusing on your family! Digestive problems are truly the worst. I love the answers above and have a few specific food tips to share:

1. This one involves peanut butter or some other nut butter, so if that works for your body, read on! Like Kayla said, I’m not sure how rural this area is, but if there’s a Chinese or Thai restaurant that’s close enough to where you’re staying, you can probably order plain rice and steamed veggies (these two things will probably be garlic-free — but it’s a good idea to ask ahead of time and make sure they don’t stir fry the veggies with onions). Then mix a peanut butter packet with a soy sauce packet for garlic-free peanut sauce. Bam! You have a pretty okay meal with some (minimal) protein and minimal ingredients that are easy to digest, and it has more nutrients and flavor than plain crackers.

2. Again, I’m not sure how rural this area is, but if there are some fast food chains you can order from, read on! You said you can’t do garlic and onion, which makes me wonder if you’re following the low FODMAP diet to reduce your symptoms. If you’re not familiar with this, the low FODMAP diet eliminates certain carbohydrates that are difficult to digest, including garlic and onion. I know the word “diet” can raise some red flags, but it’s not one of those diets. The low FODMAP diet is solely used to prevent or reduce bloating, stomach pain, and frequent bathroom trips (hooray!). But, DAMN, is it hard to find garlic- and onion-free food! Fortunately, there are some websites and apps that can help you find low FODMAP options at grocery stores and at fast food restaurants! This guide seems like a helpful place to start.

Nico: Hey there! As a HIGHLY lactose intolerant person with multiple other food sensitivies, I am sending you love and also am here to say: I do not give a shit about turning down food. I don’t want to live with the consequences! You are the only person who suffers if you eat it, so if there’s pressure, it should be the one providing the pressure who feels bad, not you. Remind them of that if you have to. Just sending you solidarity. You’ve got this!

Q4:

Do you have any suggestions about navigating traveling while trans and pregnant? I don’t know if I’ll be visibly pregnant when I travel in a few months but regardless of how far along I’ll be it still feels risky in this climate to look visibly queer and gender diverse while being pregnant so any advice would be appreciated.

A:

KaeLyn: First of all, giving you a million props for having to navigate this. I can’t speak to being trans and pregnant, and I hope someone else can. I can speak to traveling while pregnant broadly and to more generally not wanting to draw attention to said pregnancy/my body/people being weird about my pregnant body. And I can speak to traveling through less-than-accepting places as a person of color in this YIKES world. Generally, I’d say if you don’t want to be clocked as pregnant, loose-fitting clothes are ideal. I don’t know what types of things you like to wear, but I found plenty of non-”maternity clothes” that worked for me on the feminine side of the clothing racks. I’m already a fat babe, so a lot of my regular clothes worked fine as maternity clothes off the rack! Look for things that cinch and then flow from the waist–so many options for flowy dresses and tops in the summer, in particular. On the more masc side, while there are not a lot of decent maternity-specific clothes, you can make a lot of loose-fitting garments work including all manner of activewear and sportswear, and using stretchy belly extenders on your regular pants paired with long sweaters or vests, big cardigans and oversized button-downs and just layering, layering, layering. Again, don’t know what you like to wear and feel good in, but there are lots of options to conceal a pregnant body, if that’s what you aim for.

In addition to dressing in a way that makes your pregnancy less visible, I’d suggest that you pack in a way where you have everything you need–and try as much as possible to avoid emergencies related to your pregnancy while you’re traveling. Bring plenty of water, snacks you know you can eat, an abundant supply of any medical supplies or medications you need, pillows, compression socks, etc, anything that you know will make travel easier for you as a pregnant person. That way, you’re not rushing around trying to find something you suddenly urgently need and ideally so you can stay as physically comfortable as possible while traveling in what may be uncomfortable circumstances.

Lastly, there is a level of just, like, making sure you’ve got a good safety and support plan in place. Hopefully you won’t need it, but think ahead about what you plan to do if you (in an airport) get stopped by security, feel unsafe at a public rest stop or public place along your journey, etc. I hope you’re not traveling alone and will have the added security of a travel partner, but if you are traveling alone, carry your phone at all times and make sure you have your emergency contacts programmed in. Consider having a friend on deck that you can call or text to check in with periodically along the most challenging parts of your journey. At the end of the day, you may not be able to fully disappear from the radar, but planning ahead, wearing comfortable clothes that don’t look like typical “maternity” clothes, packing all the supplies you may need to stay well, and having a safety plan in place can help. And, frankly, you are awesome and people can fuck off–but I get wanting to just make it through your travel day without having to have any unnecessary confrontations. Take care of yourself, first!

Nico: Yes and to all of KaeLyn’s advice and also thank you KaeLyn for what you shared about maternity wear! Okay so I am not pregnant or ever trying to be, so I’ll come in from the other end and try to help with the traveling while visibly trans/gender-nonconforming thing. I think that, in general, when traveling as visibly queer / trans, things seem easier or more like I fly under the radar better if I keep my clothes super casual. To me, travel is a time for subdued flannels, a plain hoodie or tee, etc. I don’t bust out any fancifully patterned button ups or wear jewelry or go all out in any way. I will often wear a hat and sunglasses. Comfort’s important, but just making sure that you aren’t standing out in any way (beyond like, lol, my general look / vibe) when on the road is, I believe, a generally good practice. I drive long distances alone a lot, so that’s just a practice I’ve picked up. In other things you probably already know: make sure you’re using populated, well-lit rest stops. If a space gives you a weird feeling, it’s probably better to pass it by. This can, depending on the place, look like bypassing the highway rest stop if it’s late at night and instead going for a 24-hour large gas station type situation. Usually the ones with food like Sheetz or WaWa or truck stops like Love’s have people coming and going at all hours which is safer than a rest stop that’s just a bathroom and vending machines and no employees. DO (and from what I know of pregnant people, this may be important) if you think you aren’t going to be able to make it between safe rest stops, have necessary supplies on hand for peeing in the wild. I recommend secluded natural areas and also national parks for this endeavor. Just try not to leave litter. It can feel sketchier to dash into the woods for a pee, but also, like, really, if you shine a light around and don’t see anyone, you are PROBABLY okay for a quick pit stop. Of course, I’m on the spectrum where sometimes taking risks in the woods is preferable to taking risks in public — but not everyone feels that way and I encourage you to do what feels safe to you personally and in the situation you find yourself in.

Avoid, also, groups of men that appear to be together, if you can. Like, for example, at a rest stop I was at recently, there was a group of three guys having a cigarette at the entrance. I just waited in my car until they left before going inside instead of passing by them. It’s probably unnecessary! They could have been super chill! But I don’t want to find out if they aren’t. A little vigilance can go a long way, in my opinion. Finally, this is maybe a weird travel tip, but keep your eyes peeled for the gays or look for queer-friendly establishments to check in at (some googling can help here). I don’t know if you’re road-tripping or flying or taking a train or how often you’ll be stopping and all that, but as to my point above, mentally I find it super refreshing to even so much as eat a veggie dog in a queer-friendly space in a random town. We (queer people) are everywhere, so I also recommend looking for your people when possible, offering someone a smile, a queer nod, a compliment if appropriate. Take care, have so much fun, and enjoy your journey!

Q5:

My partner and I (both queer, non-bianry humans) are traveling to Japan in May. We’ve traveled to Japan a few times, but haven’t done anything specifically queer.

I’d love to find trans or queer spaces, and places that don’t segregate by sex in Tokyo, Osaka or Kyoto.

Japan has many sex segregated spaces, like public bath-houses and certain gay/lesbian bars. I don’t know if either of us will pass enough to enter sex segregated space together.

Because we’re assumed to be a cis-het couple, we would have to out ourselves to ask local folks for their recommendations.

I know there is a trans and non-binary (“X-gender”) scene. I’ve heard of the “gay districts” Ni-chome in Tokyo and Doyamacho in Osaka, but haven’t been.

Our typical travel itinerary includes eating and drinking through the major cities. This trip, we’ll hit up some shrines and shop for manga and vintage clothing, too.

Thanks for your help.
Cheers!

A:

Nico: Okay so I have never been to Japan and have no plans to go at the moment and this answer might be applicable to a lot of international travel, but my advice would be to start engaging in a lot of social media NOW ahead of time to get recommendations and then use those to help plan your trip. When I dipped my toe back into TikTok, for example, I noticed there was a proliferation of queer travel advice TikToks, specifically with recommendations for places to visit as a queer/trans person in different cities. I am thinking, specifically, of just seeing a video about spas you can visit in Japan as a person with tattoos, so I truly think there must be a TikTok for everything. Obviously, there’s no editorial fact-checking with TikTok, so always double and triple check these recommendations, but I think it’s probably a good place to start. Similarly, I am going to ask you to go to Reddit with this one. Here’s a Reddit thread started by a gay male couple, but a lot of the advice is probably also applicable to y’all. In particular, I am seeing again and again that for the most part, in major cities, you shouldn’t really have any trouble and there should be significant gay scenes. Now, your question is a bit more specific like “where do we find the queer scenes in X cities” but I think if you make an account and post to r/japan, you might get some help from people who live in Japan / know the scenes, or you could go to the actuallesbians subreddit (which despite its name is not a TERF space at all) and see if anyone can help. I’ve seen other folks asking travel questions there. Wishing you luck!

Q6:

I’m a cis lesbian in my early 30s who will be traveling through an area where escorts/pro-Dommes/etc is legal. I’ve never done or received sex work before but browsed some profiles for providers in the area and am intrigued. I guess my question is: Can this actually be an ethical decision on my part period or am I ultimately contributing to a harmful/problematic cycle/industry? These folks seem professional, with their own spaces, hours, rates, hygiene standards etc, but then I have this horrible feeling like, do I KNOW that? I guess I can’t tell if my anxiety/self-disgust is coming from a gut feeling that I shouldn’t do this or from a place of sex-related shame. Any insight is appreciated, thank you!

A:

Kayla: I highly recommend reading this resourceful guide to how to hire a sex worker.

Q7:

Is there a world where an indoorsy princess like myself would ever enjoy camping?? My partner is keen to start trying it out and has invited me along, but I hate being cold, dirty, and/or away from my own bed and skincare route. But I like nature, I guess? And being away from people? Should I try it out and see? I don’t want to be a buzzkill who’s afraid to try new things, and I’m sure this could be a fun li’l adventure… in theory… but it’s just SO different to how I prefer to spend my time. I don’t want to ruin my partner’s experience by going along and then being an uptight priss in the woods. Am I better off just not going at all?

A:

Riese: I am an indoorsy princess who has tolerated camping in limited amounts at various points in my life, because it is very difficult to be gay or from the midwest and not like camping, it’s right up there with being allergic to cats. Also I simply cannot sleep in a tent and when I don’t sleep my fibro flares up, I’m nauseous all day, and completely fatigued! So it took me a long time after my camping-heavy youth to really embrace my boundaries around camping, but I’m fairly certain that I will somehow find myself camping again, as it is simply the price of being gay. I think it’s worth giving it a shot for perhaps just one or two nights, with perhaps some caveats or ways to make the experience more appealing. For example; there are some campsites that have showers, which is huge for me because not being clean is part of what I hate about camping. (You can also camp near a body of water which is a shower of sorts.) Once I endured a night of camping that was part of a big group whitewater rafting trip — I was so excited for the rafting that I managed the camping (also I was encouraged by the prospect of existing within basically a nonstop shower for the entire next day). You say you like nature — maybe if the camping was bundled with a really great hike, or tubing, or canoeing, or something like that, it would be a more pleasurable experience? Another time I spent an honestly treacherously hot evening in a small tent with my then-person, comforted by my knowledge that I’d booked us a hotel for the following evening and that I would therefore be, quite shortly, showering and surrounded by clean towels. I spent a lot of time thinking about how the dirtier I got out here, the more amazing I would feel after my shower. Also TBH, there’s a lot to love about camping, like it’s pretty romantic? Yes, I hate the part where I have to sleep in a tent, but… sitting by a campfire under the fucking stars listening to the g-ddamn crickets and fireflies, surrounded by big-ass gorgeous trees while enjoying the company of a person or people that you love is pretty unbeatable. It’s worth giving it a shot, I think, ‘cause most things are. If you hate it then you never have to do it again! If you’re miserable then you will live to tell the tale as long as you don’t get eaten by a bear. Nature is healing.

Vanessa: Okay, I love camping, and I’m also here to say that camping is not for everyone and that is okay! That said, I think Riese’s advice is solid, and there’s no harm in trying something to see if you like it and going from there once you have more information. I wouldn’t worry too much about ruining your partner’s experience — if they know you’re doing something out of your comfort zone to spend time with them, I would think they’d be pretty accommodating and happy!

Some tips, to add to Riese’s:

• in my mind, food is the absolute best part of camping, so if you feel the same about food/cooking you can really do a deep dive of fun camping food and that becomes a whole scenario that is filled with joy and excitement! TRULY nothing like cooking over a campfire, but a campstove will do too.
• if you’re going to be car camping (like not backpacking, where you have to carry everything on your back), a big tent can be very luxurious! Just because you’re in the woods doesn’t mean you need to be like, stuffing your body in a small space. Get a cheap huge tent from a big box store. Take an air mattress and blow that shit up! Stand up in your tent! Keep your whole bag in your tent and have tons of space around you! Bring pillows! Camping can be “hardcore” and uncomfortable but there are MANY ways to make it comfy with a bit of forethought and $$, and if it’s the difference of you having a nice time or not, I say it’s worth it.
• prep for weather — nothing is less pleasant (and potentially dangerous) than being too hot or too cold while camping. Check what the weather will be and plan ahead.
• pick a pretty campsite — to Riese’s point, a fun activity can really make it worth it even if you’re not super into camping, but honestly if you like nature, even a really gorgeous campsite will do. Sleeping by a lake and watching the sunrise or set while swimming before crawling into your tent is my personal idea of The Height Of Luxury — perhaps it’s not yours, but perhaps it can be A Fun Moment or even simply Worth It, you know?

But again, I really want to reiterate there’s absolutely nothing wrong with just NOT wanting to go camp, and if your partner is desperate to do this activity they can do it solo/with friends and you can do something you enjoy while they’re gone.

Christina: Helloooo, it is I, noted disliker of camping! I grew up in the straight up country, and thus had to spend most of my youth pretending that I was super chill and relaxed and outdoorsy. We had pretty limited options for unsupervised time, so a lot of our “parties” were some sort of camping adjacent experience. Now, at my big age, I have very little patience for, well, being dirty and uncomfortable for a weekend. That being said, I do truly like pretty scenery and if not nature in practice, then certainly to look at!

You mentioned your partner is new to camping, maybe a good way for both of you to get your feet wet is— and I apologize for the term— glamping. I know, I know, the word is an attack and immediately conjures images of $4,000 a night yurts with AC. But there are many kinds of glamping, from the more resort-y and expensive to the ones where you can just rent a slightly nicer tent or cabin for a night and still be (mostly) roughing it. That way you can gauge your comfort level, and your partner can decide just how much they want to invest in the camping lifestyle. And if it’s not for you, don’t fret! It’s fine to not be a Camping Gay™! We are legion! It’s also fine if your partner is into it and you aren’t, there is nothing wrong with not enjoying all the same things. Just don’t force yourself to do it if you do hate it, because nothing is worse than being Meredith Blake in The Parent Trap (1998).

Nico: It’s totally okay to not like it and I love all the advice from folks above! I do think that renting equipment or a cabin for a start is a decidedly good way to go, as per Christina’s advice. That way, you’re not getting committed to equipment you may not use. As far as camping comfortably goes, I think that being prepared for the kind of camping you’re undertaking is immensely important. If you, for example, don’t have clothes or a sleeping situation that are comfortable for your specific situation / site / time of year / weather, then the whole thing will be miserable! Like, if it’s gonna be wet, you need a lot of socks, some extra changes of clothing, waterproof shoes and probs a backup, you know? If it’s hot, you’ll want ways to stay cool. If it’s buggy, you’ll want to make sure you’re prepared. When you’re camping, for the most part, you’ll only have what you bring with you, so you’ll want to — not overpack — but definitely don’t underpack. Our friend REI has lists for this, actually! Also, when picking a site, I recommend the Yelp of campsites, hilariously named “the dyrt.” Here, you can read reviews of various campsites that you might be interested in trying, and while there may be only one or two, I’ve found them helpful in the past when trying to figure out where to go.

Q8:

Hello! This is for the travel advice box :D

I’m from the UK, and will be travelling to Portland for the first time in May for an academic conference! I won’t have tons of time, because I will be there from a Saturday to a following Sunday, and the conference runs Sunday to Thursday. So essentially I have two full free days.

I’m writing, because I know some of you are living in Portland and I’ve seen some love about it here, so I’m looking for some intel! Especially I have the following questions:

– Just what are your favourite places in general (queer spaces, café/brunch, sexshops, anything worth a detour)?
– What are neighbourhoods worth getting lost into ?
– I also still need a hotel/hostel for two nights, do you have a specific rec where you send your lonely travelling friends, or, do you have a neighbourhood/area you recommend I look into (eg well connected, fun and safe) ?
– Anything else good to know to help me prepare? (I’m autistic, and going there all alone, and very stressed about the whole thing!)
– Are there any events you recommend around mid May? (eg drag shows, performances, things worth checking out only a local would know about ;) )

Thank you in advance for any tips that will make my trip something fun to look forward to! <3 <3 <3

A:

Vanessa: Hello it’s me, a person who lives in Portland and loves it!

Things to do here:
Anything and everything outdoorsy — if you’re a person who loves the outdoors, hoo boy are you in luck! There’s lots to do around town — simply explore the parks, rent a bike, enjoy the gorgeous flowers, etc — but if you rent a car the area really opens up — I’d recommend the Japanese Garden, The Rose Garden, and Hoyt Arboretum for low impact outdoor beauty, Sauvies Island for farms and a cute beach (it’s probably a little early for the queer nude part of the beach, but Collins Beach is pretty no matter what), and The Gorge or Forest Park for hikes of all levels.

Food — the food here is very good! I like Blue Star Donuts, Tin Shed, Sweedeedees, Milk Glass Market, Lazy Susan’s, and Hunny Milk for brunch, Flying Fish market for incredible fresh fish, Fish & Rice for the best sushi in town, Sushi Ichiban for the cheapest best sushi in town, Bollywood for a fun atmosphere and really delicious Indian street food, Mee Sen, Khao San, Nong’s Khao Man Gai for thai food, Gado Gado or Nostrana for fancy $$$ meals, Enat Kitchen for Ethiopian, Salt & Straw for ice cream, Eb & Bean for vegan ice cream options… honestly I could go on for forever. The food in Portland is very good! The foot carts are fun and good! I really rarely have a bad meal when I eat out. Enjoy!

Bars — I’m not really a big drinker but I enjoy the vibes at Keys and The Bye & Bye. Karaoke at Escape Bar is very fun. I’ve honestly not heard great stuff about Doc Marie’s, the new dyke bar in town, so I can’t in good conscience recommend it, but I have heard excellent things about Sports Bra, the new-ish sports bar that only plays women’s sports.

SheBop is the women-owned sex toy shop and I think it rules.

Shameless plug but my best friend owns an incredible vintage shop called Hello Sunshine that you should definitely check out! Ask for Binky and tell her I sent you!

The above is really just a quick and dirty list of stuff I like in Portland right now. It’s not a hard and fast guide, it’s not even what every Portlander might necessarily suggest. It’s just a list of some of my faves! I will say my favorite thing about Portland is how queer it feels everywhere — you can’t pop into the grocery store to pick up a few lemons without seeing at least five queer people, and I love that vibe. That said, I find myself less plugged into “queer specific spaces” than I was in New York, or even than I was when I was a little younger. There are queer parties (Judy on Duty is my fave, though I don’t know if it will be happening when you’re here, it’s monthly) but I really don’t go to dance parties anymore because for me, it’s just not worth it taking the pandemic into account. I’ve also heard that it can be hard to find The Queer Scene in Portland because it’s less about specific spaces and more about specific nights, so if you’re not in the know, it’s hard to know. I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful in that respect. I will say if you chat with people when you’re in Portland, I will be shocked if you don’t meet some queers. Statistically, we’re just really here!

Hotels — Figure out what you want to be walking distance to and plan accordingly. My mom likes to stay at the Kennedy School in NE, and it’s a great location and a cute hotel with a bar, a restaurant, a movie theater (I think?) and a soaking pool for all guests to use as a bonus! But there are truly many cute places to stay and I’d choose by location. I don’t really feel that anywhere is more or less “safe” — Portland is a city and you should take the usual precautions to keep yourself safe, but the people most at risk are houseless folks who are targeted by our government and police force, not the people who visit here, you know?

Neighborhoods — I lived in North Portland for 8 years and I loved it so much and I miss it and I think it’s perfect. That said, I now live in SE Portland and I’m starting to love it here, too. People LOVE SE Portland — I’m just still learning. I think if you’re just able to explore for a couple of days I’d spend one day in each neighborhood and see which vibes you prefer for next time!

Overall Portland is a friendly, fun, weird, beautiful city, and I find people to be kind and interested in sharing their intel with visitors. I hope by May the weather is better (we’ve been having THE RAINIEST spring) and I hope you have a wonderful time!

Q9:

I would like to submit a question for the A+ advice box on travel! Perfect timing as I have a question that is causing me a lot of worry!

My partner and I (both women) will be spending two weeks in Florida over the summer with my children. We will be staying at a Disney resort as well as outside Tampa with family. We are getting concerned about being ourselves in Florida as we are usually very comfortable holding hands/PDA in public. Watching from the UK, Florida currently seems to be a cesspit of homophobia and we are really concerned about whether we would find ourselves being shouted at in coffee bars (we’ve seen the videos) or just generally treated badly when people realise we are a couple. While we accept we could face that sort of behaviour occasionally anywhere we go, even in the UK, we are particularly concerned about how people might treat us in suburban locations in Florida and especially at Disney. Our family that live in Florida are effectively saying – yes, you will need to modify your behaviour – but as a visible couple, very comfortable in who we are, this is upsetting to us. What is the truth of the situation for female couples in Florida in 2023 and do you have any tips/advice? And in follow up – what would be our rights/recommended action if anyone was to be abusive to us in public places or on Disney property? Horrible as it is to try and pre-empt potential trouble while on holiday it is better to prepare ourselves as best as possible.

Stef Rubino: Hi, as the resident Florida Man here at Autostraddle, I just want to say I see and hear your concerns. And I also want to say that I cannot give you a certain answer on any of it. I live, breathe, hold hands and kiss my girlfriend, and am extremely visibly queer in South Florida every single minute of every single hour of every single day. As you pointed out, no place, not any place in this whole wide world is 100% safe for us, but I don’t think Florida is any less safe in terms of day-to-day, material interactions with other humans. I understand there are people who are very fearful of some great uptick in violent, individualized behavior against queer and trans people here on the citizen level, but as a resident queer and trans person here, I just haven’t seen it or experienced it. It seems like the same old shit, honestly. And neither have my friends. Of course, the recent state laws that have been passed are terrifying, and I would tell any trans people to definitely be careful about traveling here or considering a move here. But, as of right now, same-sex partnership hasn’t been outlawed, so in the case of emergencies (god forbid) or any other situation, you cannot be legally separated from your partner. Like many places in Florida, the Orlando and Tampa Bay areas have parts that are very, very gay and, I would argue, very safe for queer and trans people to be. However, they’re not unlike any other places — ultra conservative straight people live there, too. I cannot guarantee you won’t get some passing looks of “concern” or “disgust” or some stares of the same variety because, as I assume and know, that happens everywhere any of us go. I can’t say whether or not your family is wrong on their assumption that you will have to modify your behavior. That feels more like a warning that’s coming from concern that something might happen to you. But again, I can’t put it out of the realm of possibility that you may have to. You’ll have to judge your interactions and your experiences here like I assume you do in any other place. Where and when you feel unsafe, then of course, you’re going to naturally gravitate towards behaviors that make you feel safer. But I honestly don’t think that list of places here will be very long. As far as Disney property goes…that is truly one of the gayest places on Earth despite the fact that families from all over the place go to Disney on a regular basis. IF — and this is a big IF – you do experience abusive behavior on Disney properties, I’d recommend you get in contact with their security personnel and follow any of the procedures they have for reporting and addressing that kind of behavior. I don’t think, especially at this political juncture, they’d let it go without some kind of resolution for you and your family.

Nico: I also cannot emphasize enough how fine you should be at Disney. It’s like its own city-state with its own rules and its own people and above all else, they want everyone to have The Best Time. If you run into any trouble, staff should be totally willing to help you. You should also be totally fine to engage in “normal” levels of public displays of affection at Disney.

Kayla: Hello! Another gay person living in Florida full time and actually specifically living in Orlando where I am also planning a big lesbian wedding, which is all to say, I agree with everything Stef said. We’re here and queer every day. But then yeah like Nico said: Disney is an even safer bubble. They literally want you to have the best day of your life at Disney.

Riese: Disney is really fucking gay!!!!! Also one thing I learned at A-Camp is that there is some weird Disney College Program / Disney Underpaid Employment – to – homosexual pipeline, so like…. the people working there are often also gay.

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