Welcome to the 80th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.
Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! Next month’s theme is going to be TRAVEL AND ROAD TRIPS AND CAMPING. Do you need…safety tips? Are you planning a trip and you want to know if anyone else has been to a certain destination and has recommendations? Do you want to talk about camping equipment? This is near and dear to my heart as someone who often loves visiting various places in the US but who also looks, even alone, when minding my own business, “visibly” queer and who therefore wonders about my safety sometimes (all the times). Anyway, let’s talk about it! Get those questions in by April 10th!
The general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, where we take questions on practically any topic, publish on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.
So, now, let’s dig in!!
Q1:
Hello, am I too late for the Gender Feelings advice box? My wife and I are having a kid in June, and an extremely high-res ultrasound has revealed that that kid will have a penis! I’m a bit shocked at the (mild, but existant) panic I feel about this, despite my knowledge that genitals have very little to do with who people really are. Does anyone have advice or resources they like about gender-neutral parenting? I’d love to work on unknotting these internal biases before my days are taken up with keeping a baby alive.
A:
Casey: Hi friend! I asked my friend who’s doing gender neutral / gender open parenting about resources she recommends. Thank you Zena for the recommendations! For a great intro with some practical tips, check out this article from Xtra<\a>, which shares three stories from queer families doing gender open parenting.
In general, from my experience doing some quick googling about this subject, I’d suggest using the term “gender open” rather than “gender neutral” parenting as it seems to be the term used by parents practising this kind of parenting and not used by people criticizing it. You might also get some good mileage out of the term “gender creative” parenting.
Okay now that I’m done dissecting search terms like the librarian I am, I want to say the reason I’m offering some guidance on those is that your best resource might be peer groups, online or local, of other parents doing similar parenting. Try googling “gender open parenting name of your city” or “gender open parenting facebook group.” My friend said the best resources for her family have been other parents.
I think because this is a relatively new area of thought, there aren’t a lot of good full length books published yet. Raising Them: Our Adventure in Gender Creative Parenting by Kyl Myers is the only book I could find that really fits what you’re asking for. (Kyl Myers also has a Ted talk you could check out!) Be a bit wary of books that might come up in your research. It looks like most of what is available now is not exactly what you’re looking for (how to parent a kid who has come out as trans) or not great (how to avoid gender stereotyping in parenting but somehow the author is still framing it in a binary only gender system, ie a book called Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue<\em> that kept popping up in my research).
I will say as a queer parent not doing gender open parenting per se but who is trying to raise my kid with expansive ideas of gender and to question assumptions that I have found a lot of awesome kids books with gender neutral / queer / trans kid characters and a lot of books that defy gender stereotypes. Too many to name! I have found sharing them with my kid to be very rewarding and fun. Also, I found that gender assumptions were more deeply ingrained than I thought while I was taking care of a baby. I had decided to avoid calling her (we’re using that pronoun with the assumption it may change!) a “girl” as much as possible and to not use phrases like good girl, that’s a girl, etc. I found to my surprise it was more difficult than I thought, especially in the throes of midnight feedings and a colicky crying infant. It’s also impossible to control what other people say. So don’t be too hard on yourself if you see those internal biases coming up. Acknowledge them, correct yourself, and move on!
Much love from one queer parent to another!
Nico: Also, I do want to assure you as someone who is not a parent but who has had the pleasure of knowing many new parents lately, I think you are about to be WAY more sleep-deprived than anything else. I am glad you’re going to do that work to unpack those biases because you are absolutely right in that genitals do not make a gender, and I also think it’s going to be ongoing work! The world is going to put expectations on you and the kid and you and the kid are going to respond to those and fight those in your own ways. Wishing you luck out there.
Q2:
I [31] told my mom [68?] that I’m trans and am going to start taking hormones soon. Yay! She was supportive but definitely shell-shocked. Any recommendations for resources for her and the rest of my family when I tell them? I’m afraid of what she will find doing her own internet research!!
A:
Niko Hi! My best advice is to arm yourself with knowledge. Believe me when I tell you that I had a whole ass binder of print outs and diagrams and documents to give out to my family when I came out like there was gonna be a test later. It’s a lot to take in for people I’m sure, and there will be questions and concerns from all corners. You will sadly never be able to be prepared for all of it. I would guide your parents to work by trans people that you love. More than the medical and surgical movements, what is nice for your loved ones to hear is that you are on a journey of discovery and connection to yourself that you are only just beginning to undertake and the road ahead is full of twists and turns you cannot predict. But you want them to know you are okay, and to trust that you will be leading from your heart.
Vet your sources, if you have a local clinic that specializes in trans healthcare (i know this is a difficult thing to parse in the current socio-political climate) pass along anything they have. I found it helpful to be able to have something local, that feels real and official and safe to help assuage their minds when they worry about all the fear mongering that exists in so many of the conversations around trans healthcare. If not, find a source you trust that you know they will engage with honestly and let them know it’s available.
Everyones relationship with their family is varied and I absolutely do not want to say “this is what you should do” so instead I will tell you what I did when I came out to my mother when she was 70. I told her and my sister and dad all on the same day. I had the aforementioned binder of documents that I said were there if they wanted them, and I also told them that for a year I was willing to answer any questions they had as long as they asked them honestly. That first year we had a lot of VERY weird conversations. But I talked them through it, and every step of the way, which has been many years of a variety of changes that I both expected and did not foresee, I was open and honest but firm about all of it.
I never asked permission, or gave space for anything in bad faith and took it upon myself to shut it down if that’s where it was headed. And eventually, my mom especially, learned to spot the same bad faith. She tells me now when she sees an obvious anti-trans bias where before she might have called me and said “well I read in the weekly world news that…”
The most important thing, beyond all else, is that you are supporting yourself and that you have structures and people you can rely on to help you and shore up your defenses alongside you. That might not even end up being your birth family, your idea of family might change as you move through this. And that is okay too. It’s up to you to guide your way through this, and to trust that you can manage this all. And you can, because here you are doing the thing. Which is huge and congratulations and we are all so very happy for you!
If there is a writer or a musician or something that speaks to how you feel, give your family that. And tell them the how and why of what part of it speaks to you. And then let them do their homework. If your mom is already supportive, you have cleared the first hurdle, and from here on out you can only continue to be as honest and open as you feel you can be and hope that she continues to be as supportive as she has shown you she is willing and capable of being.
Congratulations!
Q3:
Hello y’all!
Do you have any advice for how to deal with moments of internalized guilt/sadness around not doing femininity or womanhood the way you’re ‘supposed’ to?
It’s thankfully not something that consumes me (because I’m lucky to be able to spend a lot of time with other queer and trans folks) but it does pop up from time to time.
It usual manifests as me feeling sensitive about my body hair, the way I dress, the fact that I definitely don’t want to carry children and most likely won’t want to be a parent (Drew’s incredible review of “Good Manners” has burrowed its way into my heart) and the hesitation I feel around having my chest or bits seen/touched during partnered sex (something I’d like to experience someday but haven’t felt comfortable with yet).
I love my mother, she loves me and we’re very similar but I think her mixed signals around my technically-closeted-to-family queerness might have had more of an impact on me than I realized when I started writing this question.
She’s an artsy, divorced non-conformist who’s unafraid to criticize society’s ideas about women, marriage and motherhood so it’s hard for me to understand where the negative feelings she sometimes expresses towards my gender nonconformity come from.
A:
Ro: Hello, gender non-conforming comrade. I deal with this stuff, too. I have some open-minded people on one side of my family, and when I started embracing a gender expression that felt authentic for me and making life choices that reflected my core values, I was surprised by how some of those people expressed discomfort or outright rejected me because of it. Societal rules around gender are so deeply ingrained in us, and even when people profess open-mindedness and embrace unconventional ways of living, they can still get caught up in the bullshit of gendered expectations — it’s disappointing.
Fortunately, in my experience, people can change over time. You might not be able to help you mom fully understand you in one conversation, but if you continue living your most authentic, happy life and making choices that bring you confidence and joy, she might catch on and feel that joy with you — or at the very least, she’ll get used to who you are and lay off the weird comments. The best thing you can do is build your self-assuredness and drown out your mom’s voice in your head with your own (louder, stronger, queerer) voice.
It sounds like you already have queer and trans friends — I love that! Building friendships with other gender non-conforming people has really helped me embrace who I am and feel proud of the choices I’m making in my life. I highly encourage you to expand your circle to include some gender non-conforming elders if you haven’t already. I have a handful of butches in my life who are anywhere from ten to 25 years my senior, and they set an example for what my life might look like when I’m in my 40s or 50s — they’re happy, vibrant, confident, and hot as hell, and spending time with them gets me pumped about my own future and my inevitable Silver Fox Era. They’re also eager to give me advice, tell me they’re proud of me, compliment my latest haircut — the kinds of things I wish my older relatives would do. So if you can find mentorship and encouragement somewhere — maybe from older queer folks, maybe from relatives who aren’t your mom, or maybe from friends your own age who give excellent pep talks — that might help you feel more secure within yourself.
Q4:
I’ve never done this before so idk if this is the correct place to submit a question for the “Into the A+ Advice Box” on Gender Feelings.
The context for my question: for the past few months I’ve had a bit of an identity crisis of sorts, realizing that I’m in my mid-30s (just turned 35 a few days ago) and I actually want to feel and act my age for once. I still mentally feel like I’m 28-30, but for the first time ever, I’m feeling like, “Wait, I actually am an adult” and not just a big kid who’s playing house *as* an adult. With that in mind, I’m trying to figure out what my identity is, how I wish to be perceived in the world, and maybe get away from my preferred wardrobe of hoodies/sweatpants.
I also generally feel as though my personality/gender is just “boring” and difficult to describe otherwise … I use she/her pronouns and more or less identify as a woman, but I often describe my “style,” clothing choices, and general gender presentation as “khaki” — not the color, but the vibes (or lack thereof).
So my question is, do you have any advice for someone trying to come into her own as a 35-year-old queer lady? I grew up in a small Midwestern town and always looked outward to popular culture for examples of identities I wanted to try on: a cool or outdoorsy or nerdy gay, etc. But those identities never fit me because they aren’t me. I’m finally at a point where I want to stop looking to others I’ve idealized and accept myself as the coolest version of me I can be — how do I do that?
Thank you!
A:
Shelli: Happy belated birthday :) My advice on this is that you’re 35 and can act how you want. I understand the sentiment right, so I am in no way trying to belittle you or your question. I feel when you say 35 year old things that you’re referring to stuff like paying bills, taking care of yourself and all the healths, being an average human being with emotions and etc. But I don’t think there is a way that an average 35 year old acts. I really do not enjoy when folks say things like “Oh, you’re too old to be acting/doing/wearing/listening/watching that” mostly because — who are you?
Yes, I do believe that you should be at a certain space in your emotional maturity by 35 and taking care of yourself at a like reasonable amount (I’m not going to tell you that you ought to be at a place financially or in your career by this age ‘cos FACTORS GALORE) but I don’t really feel your question is about how you should be as a 35 year old queer person. What I am feeling as I read it is that, maybe you’re just looking for some changes now that you’re in a new age bracket, which is fair but i don’t think that means you have to change who you are at your core.
Perhaps think of it as an evolving moment versus a change. Not what you HAVE to figure out but what you WANT to enhance.
You haven’t said otherwise so I am going to assume you like your gender/pronouns and that for the most part you know who you are. You’ve tried on all those other personalities and they didn’t stick because those aren’t you. You sound like you just need a bit of help actually liking who you are and how you present.
If you prefer to wear hoodies and sweatpants, there is nothing wrong with that, you don’t have to change it. Instead of trying to change that why don’t you just work within your comfort and elevate the style. If you have it, get some that are like a brand or two up from what you already purchase, try getting pieces in new colors you vibe with, then get some fly footwear, throw on a trench and BOOM! Elevated style within your own comfort level.
You say you’re a khaki style babe, thats cool and also A vibe. Try out being a mono khaki bitch, Get an oversized khaki jacket, a white linen tee shirt, grey sweatpants, thick white socks, your fav new sneakers and some fly ass sunglasses and BOOM! Elevated style within your own comfort AGAIN.
You sound like you’re doing ok, you’re just having a bit of a panic for hitting your mid30’s and that’s okay and normal! But don’t feel you have to do some massive overhaul in your style or your version of adulting. Look to those pop culture folks and instead of taking on the whole identity, take elements of the ones that you already see yourself in and use those as inspiration for your elevation.
When it comes to the adulting part — babe you’re doing fine. It sounds like you have that emotional maturity and taking care of yourself bare minimum type shit I mentioned but outside of that, be the kind of adult you wanna be. You’re still an adult if you play video games, watch cartoons, go go-karting, etc. Don’t stop enjoying life ‘cos society has made you feel like if you enjoy those things you’re a child. Thats the best part of being an adult. Want pizza for dinner? Get it. Want to spend your money on some bomb ass lego set you wanna put together? Buy it. Watching spongebob at the end of a wild week adulting make you laugh? Watch it.
I’m sure you’re acting your age babes, you’re 35, queer, and read Autostraddle — I’d say you’re doing fucking swell.
Himani: I love Shelli’s advice! And adding onto it, I want to more directly address your final question: “I’m finally at a point where I want to stop looking to others I’ve idealized and accept myself as the coolest version of me I can be — how do I do that?”
Honestly, I think the only way to do that is to just live and be. There is a real value to being reflective and wanting to try out different things and see what fits, for sure. But there’s also a value in just rolling out of bed, wearing the clothes that make you feel the most yourself on that given day, sipping your morning beverage of choice, and appreciating the reality of living in that moment in your way, on your terms. There’s a real power in that, and we don’t always have control over our day to day or what we wear or what happens to us, unfortunately. But when I think about what it means to “be an adult” and also what it means to “accept myself” it’s reveling in the ability to live life on my terms in the moments and ways that I can.
Q5:
How can I gain a better understanding of what I want my gender expression to look like in a sexual context (particularly in queer and trans kink spaces)?
For context: I’m new to the scene (haven’t had previous sexual or romantic relationships outside it) and I’m really enjoying the community I’m finding and the experiences I’m having.
But even with all the diversity I’m seeing, I’m not sure what it means to *me* to embody fat switchy genderfuckery. (Especially as a dyke who wants to explore both masculinity and femininity—and sometimes to throw them together in one big glitter-filled blender and see what crawls out—but has felt outside pressures to perform the latter in straight, cis, thin ways that don’t feel true to me).
How do I figure out how I want partners to see me, both in person and through mediums like sexting? What role models or resources can I look towards?
A:
Nico: Well this sounds awesome in terms of getting out there and having opportunities to explore you! I think that, a couple of things here: when it comes to switchy gender-fuckery, you might find you feel differently with different partners. Your feelings might change over time or between partners, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I think it’s important to keep your options open here, in terms of what you might want to explore for yourself and recognize that it is okay and totally normal if you’re fluid in terms of gender feelings and sexual expression from situation to situation. As you are probably familiar with because you’re involved in kink community, it’s just important to keep the lines of communication open and to find people you’re comfortable exploring with.
As far as role models two things a) have you explored Autostraddle’s archive of content on this matter? We’ve got all kinds of tops and bottoms content, Ari’s Bottom’s Up series is absolutely lovely, and b) I think something queer people have to reckon with a lot is being our own role models as well as finding those role models in our peers. I think also, folks might have recommendations for you in the comments, maybe in the book or social media realms, so I want to invite folks to contribute there!
Q6:
Question for Gender Feelings Advice Box
Hi! I’ve been feeling fairly detached from womanhood the last few years and have also been leaning more and more butch/masc in presentation (not equating the two at all, they’ve just happened simultaneously for me). I haven’t fully explored what this means for my gender identity beyond a vague apathy, but I don’t particularly feel the need for a better answer, at least not for now.
What does feel more pressing is my unease around my breasts: they’re a source of low-level but persistent mental discomfort. I feel sure they don’t align with my self-image, but the problem is I really struggle to picture what the chest of my ‘authentic’ self would look like. Breast reduction? Top surgery? I definitely prefer how clothes hang when I wear a sports bra, but frustratingly I can’t deal with that level of compression for any real length of time due to fibromyalgia pain, and binders are a whole other level of smushing/pain.
Therapy isn’t accessible to me at the moment, so in the meantime any advice and/or resources to help me think through my options would be much appreciated. I rarely have the spoons for full books, so ideally looking for articles, subreddits, accounts to follow etc. So far,
Butch Is Not A Dirty Word is the only place I’ve found which occasionally touches on chests and gender feelings. Thanks in advance!
A:
Nico: Thank you so much for writing in! First, I recommend the A+ roundtable on our chests we did last year. I hope that, at the very least, it helps because we sure had a variety of feelings! I think that in terms of easily accessible discussions, Reddit is a good bet! I love Reddit for really specific questions. It’s a great place to get in the weeds. So, r/reduction about breast reductions actually seems to have several (and not saying this is you but it’s a good search term) nonbinary breast reduction threads. Also, while, again, you’ve mentioned that you’re exploring your gender and so I’m not jumping to any conclusions, the /ftm reddit thread is certainly a go-to place for top surgery insight and questions. Fair warning though if you’re sensitive to post-surgery / photos of wounds / healing, you’ll encounter those. Also accessible and happening right now, there is a gender feelings channel in the temporary A+ discord server. I apologize that I can’t comment on compression & fibromyalgia, but maybe other folks have recommendations in the comments for what you can do for now. <3 Wishing you tons of luck and just here to let you know that both reduction and complete top surgery are totally valid options! Sending you a lot of love.
Q7:
This is for the GENDER FEELINGS Advice Box! I have been sorting through dysphoria feelings about my chest and vacillating between pursuing full top surgery or just a breast reduction. I’ve never heard any stories about people getting breast reductions/still having breasts and that reducing dysphoria, so – do you know of any such stories/accounts? I feel like this must be a thing people do, but I never hear about it!
A:
Nico: Well, this is easy because I have in fact heard of people getting breast reductions to reduce gender dysphoria and not opting for full removal / top surgery because of, again, seeking some kind of flexibility when it comes to gender presentation day to day. As a gender fluid individual, I can really relate to what other folks have said about that like wanting to be able to bind some days and fill out a dress others! As I said for Q6, I do think that Reddit is actually a great place to go because it’s an aggregate of So Many individual experiences. I think this thread on r/nonbinary is a great place to start and there was someone there who got a breast reduction surgery and was pleased with the results. There is also A Lot of info from people with varying experiences about the nuances of surgery and things to think about ahead of time!
Also, if one is available to you, I recommend going to a gender-affirming clinic near you to talk through your options. If there’s a place where doctors, nurses and therapists serve a majority queer and trans demographic, then they are much more likely to have experience working with a lot of folks with dysphoria and may be able to talk through your options with you and recommend doctors in your area who are already vetted by the clinic / other people as being as somewhat culturally competent. Of course, your mileage may vary, but I do think looking at local, in-person resources is a good move if you have those available to you where you are (because I know many folks don’t) and you haven’t done so already!
Q8:
I recently started HRT (testosterone) and I have been having a crisis over my sexuality. When I first came out in high school, I identified as bisexual. And then later in college I identified as a lesbian. I found a lot of freedom in using the word lesbian for myself as it was also a word that felt like it expressed my gender identity as well.
However, since I started testosterone, I have been worried about if I can still identify as a lesbian. Part of this is because I am on a standard dose and I am hoping for very masculine changes and I feel like at some point it will be inappropriate for me to identify as a lesbian. In all honesty, I feel like my gender identity can be described as nonbinary transman but my sexuality is still lesbian. I have a hard time thinking of myself as a straight man.
I have found a lot of community and friendship with lesbians, (most of my closest friends are lesbians), but I’m worried that I will be alienated from a community that I have been part of for so long. I’m not sure how to handle this and would appreciate some advice on working through these gender and sexuality feelings.
A:
Ro: I think you can absolutely call yourself a lesbian. You feel aligned with lesbian sexuality and the lesbian community, and it’s a word that brings you a sense of freedom and comfort. And you certainly wouldn’t be the only transmasculine lesbian out there — while the available words and gender-affirming healthcare options have changed over time, there have always been transmasculine people in the lesbian community. Sure, your experience moving through the world as a lesbian on testosterone is going to be different from the experience of a cis lesbian or lesbian trans woman or an intersex lesbian or a transmasculine lesbian who isn’t pursuing HRT or…well, you get it. I could go on. The point is, you’re saying that your lesbian identity plays an important role in how you’ve moved through the world and how you see yourself, so you don’t have to shove it away.
Will some lesbians have a problem with the word(s) you use to describe yourself and the spaces you want to inhabit? Maybe. If that happens, all you can do is share how you feel — and maybe mail them the works of Leslie Feinberg. But more and more, both online and IRL, I’m seeing queer folks (especially young people) acknowledge and embrace a wide spectrum of identities and experiences that fall under the “lesbian” umbrella, so you might be surprised by how you’re received. And if at some point the word “lesbian” doesn’t feel right to you anymore, you don’t have to hang onto it. We’re allowed to shift and change.
To me, “lesbian” is expansive, and as long as we’re all able to look at and acknowledge the nuances in our individual lived experiences, we all deserve to find words and communities that make us feel at home within ourselves.
Q9:
hello friends. we’re all on gender journeys our whole lives, but i’ve knowingly been on one for the last….5+ years, which took a bumpy turn once the pandemic hit and i had Too Much Time to think. i’ve always been a pretty guarded person and have gotten good at processing identity crises by myself, but even that became overwhelming/impossible when 2020 hit and suddenly we were all boxed in everywhere. i’m comfy with my queer identity, comfy with my nonbinary identity, but recently it’s felt like i’m hovering on unlocking another level of gender and i just can’t bring myself all the way there. it’s like—you know how sometimes people give you bits of information that can only lead to one conclusion, and you fully understand them as separate units but viewing them as a whole Does Not Compute? that is my current gender hurdle. there is a stripe on the trans flag for nb identities. for the last year i’ve been going by a different name among people i trust to let me expand and evolve (and also at starbucks so my drinks don’t get stolen). if gender is a spectrum, my next evolution is not at the other end of where i used to be. these are things i understand, and generally not things experienced by not-trans people. but they don’t feel enough as separate parts, and also it is so exhausting to keep them separate, and very terrifying to coalesce together bc that is an impossible thing to do without being perceived! i guess my question is: how do i get comfy with the Whole, or at least find a way to navigate the middle that doesn’t feel like a slog? (let me preempt: i do have a therapist and we’re slooowly working through things)
A:
Nico: Okay! There are several things here, right? First, what stands out to me is that you are stuck at being perceived. Being perceived can suck! Unfortunately, doing anything not cishet in terms of gender will often get you perceived. I don’t know what to say about this except that it can be comforting to remember that, for the most part, mostly people are wrapped up in what’s going on with them. They’ll perceive you, but not continuously. I know it’s not the most helpful, but there it is. Another thing I’m hearing is that maybe you identified at one point, comfortably, as nonbinary but not trans, but now, you feel like you’re floating around somewhere under the trans umbrella — and I just want to say that’s a very okay and valid realization to have! I love that you’re working with a therapist and slowly working through things.
One final thing I’m getting here is that maybe you feel like you need to be going “faster”? But I don’t think there is any correct speed or any correct point at which one needs to put “it” all together when it comes to gender identity. A lot of people change over the course of time, anyway. Life is hard, gender is a construct and at the same time incredibly real, and time is a flat circle! I love to zoom out and breathe, when things get to be too much, and remember that people have existed for a pretty darn long time, that we have always explored gender and been trans and nonbinary and genderqueer and gender fluid and the dived into the depths of cisgenderhood, too. I think what I’m trying to say is that it’s okay if it’s deep and mysterious and confusing, if you have questions about what’s going on in terms of the sum of the parts. And you know, if you decide, at the end of the day, that you’re in a different place than where you were before, it’s really okay to declare that, and I hope you’ll let us be there for you and perceive you as much or as little as you want to be. I think also, like recognizes like, and so reading and consuming writing / books / media by other nonbinary / gender expansive / trans people can be helpful when it comes to learning more about oneself. I think that one can only get so far with internal reflection without feeding the brain machine more data, if that makes sense.
Q10:
Halfway through last year, I started testosterone. I enjoyed everything about how it made my body look and feel with one (not so small) exception: facial and body hair. I know, I know: hair comes with the T territory. Trust me, I did all of the research beforehand. But, despite knowing these things, I still felt very not okay with these changes. I started to find myself approaching what used to be a joyous occasion – applying my HRT gel each morning (an already very meager dose) – with reluctance. One day, I just stopped doing it completely.
Growing up socialized as a girl, I always felt ugly. I always had more body and facial hair than my peers. As a middle-scholar, I remember scouring the internet for examples of people that looked like me: women who had dark hairs on their arms, who had big eyebrows, who had mustaches…(The women in my family were no help: somehow they had all come out with fair body hair. Why was I such an anomaly?) I diligently researched solutions and tried almost everything from waxing to bleaching to shaving. Eventually, I figured out what worked best for me.
When I started noticing more hair years later on T, I was immediately transported back to those childhood times. The anxiety, the shame, the feeling of not being in control…. They all bubbled up again.
I’m not sure what to do with all of this. Without T, I’ve started feeling disconnected from my body again. I miss how I looked and felt while taking it. But how do I get that without facial and body hair? I think I really just want to look like a teenage boy. But, how do I reach that sweet spot?
-Hairy Harry
A:
Ro: I’m so sorry you’re feeling stuck! And you’re right — unfortunately, we don’t get to pick and choose the ways hormones affect us. It looks like you have four options here, and they all have pros and cons:
1. You don’t start taking testosterone again. You said you felt more connected to your body while you were on T and liked the non-hair-related changes, so this option would be tough in some ways (maybe really tough) — but you wouldn’t have to deal with the extra body hair. Ask yourself: Are the affirming physical changes I get from T worth dealing with the extra body hair? Are there ways I can feel more connected to my body outside of taking T?
2. You take testosterone and remove your additional body hair. This will be time consuming and costly — possibly very costly — depending on how thorough and permanent you want the removal to be. But you’ll have the physical changes you’re wanting without the body hair. Ask yourself: Will removing my extra body hair be worth the pain, time, and money that process requires?
3. You take testosterone and figure out how to embrace the additional body hair that comes with it. Maybe that process just looks like following a bunch of hot, hairy, transmasc people on Instagram, or maybe it takes a lot of time and therapy — childhood trauma runs deep — but once you work through it, you’ll probably feel a lot better about yourself and your body hair, whether you’re on T or not. Ask yourself: Who or what makes me feel like my body hair is ugly?
4. You take testosterone long enough to get some permanent changes and then stop. Everyone’s body reacts to T differently, but some people find that if they stop T after a while, their facial and body hair thins out over time. This is a toss up, because there’s no way to know how your specific body will react.
I hope this helps you think through all your different options, and I hope you ultimately come to a place where you feel great about your body and your body hair!
Nico: I love the recommendations Ro laid out! I also have also heard that DHT blockers might be helpful for slowing increased hair growth. Also just wanted to send you so much love because as Ro got into, childhood experiences can be really sticky. I hope you won’t feel ashamed about having a hard time working through it. Many people spend years and years unpacking and working through that early socialization and it’s okay if the whole thing is a process!
Q11:
gender feels! for nonbinary/gender-complex people who started going by a new name, how did you decide? i love my name but it is read as very female and i feel like it makes it easier for cis people to ignore the ‘they’ of ‘she/they.’ recognizing that in an ideal world names should be genderless and that managing peoples’ perceptions is not my job, but that we do not live in an ideal world and the gender binary is very much an influence, what should i do? i’ve thought about 1) truncating my name to get a less-gendered nickname 2) going by my initials 3) choosing an unrelated name 4) saying fuck it, i’m genderqueer no matter how my name is perceived that’s their problem
A:
Himani: Names and how they are perceived culturally and in terms of gender have kind of always been super fascinating to me. In my own experience of having a non-standard name (in American contexts and also, to some extent in South Asian contexts), my personal experience has been that people will make whatever assumptions about a person’s gender even if the name is unfamiliar to them. I can’t tell you how many emails, letters, etc. I’ve gotten from people that start with “Dear Mr.” Meanwhile, I have a coworker who also has a non-standard-in-American-contexts name who goes by she/they pronouns and everyone largely ignores the “they” part of their identity when speaking about them. I have yet another coworker, also with a non-standard-in-American-contexts name, whose pronouns are “they/them” who I’ve seen misgendered many times. I have a dear friend who recently started going by “she/they” pronouns and has gone by a gender-ambiguous abbreviated version of their name for as long as I’ve known them and I can only imagine that they also have the “they” part of their identity largely ignored.
All of this is to say, while I do think a not insignificant portion of the experience of gender has to do with how others perceive and treat a person, I also think that when it comes to personal decisions like what name you go by, it’s probably better to ground that in what is personally meaningful to you. It’s not the same thing as what you’re talking about, but years ago my ex had asked me why I didn’t use some random American name when I was at, say, a coffeeshop and had to repeat my name three times for the barista to take my order. But to me personally, after all this time of fighting to make sense of my place in America and also India/Indian culture, doing that felt like a betrayal of sorts of myself.
For what it’s worth, I personally vote for #4 on your list — fuck it, you are genderqueer no matter how others perceive you and that is their problem! It is also your problem when they misgender you, unfortunately, but based on my own observations and experiences, the shitty reality seems to be that people will misgender you regardless. So go by what feels right to you and that may be different things in different contexts, and it might also be something that shifts for you over time as well.
Q12:
For the Gender Feels advice box, please. Hi excellent AS team! I am non-binary and I’m good with that. It feels bad and wrong when people misgender me. But I still sometimes feel like I’m an imposter. Maybe because I’m always read as female despite the neutral/masc-leaning way I dress and present. Maybe because I haven’t gone through any medical transition and that often feels like a requirement to be taken seriously. Maybe because most people don’t even know what non-binary is and so have no frame of reference for what it might mean for me. I know the thing to do is get over it and find inner peace or whatever, and generally I try not to worry about what everyone else thinks. But it does weigh me down sometimes! I’d love to hear any thoughts on how to deal with these kinds of feelings. Thanks!
A:
Nico: So, I feel like there are different levels to this. Strangers? I take it as a losing battle. They often make it weird, no matter what, so I just try to let it go unless they’re a particularly annoying cis dude. I wouldn’t worry too much about how random strangers read you because people sure feel comfortable making a lot of assumptions, and that’s really on them! Other people tend to panic and I just kind of go with a “bless their soul” and move on. When you’re closer to someone, you can have a private conversation, and, if you’re feeling generous, offer them some advice so that they don’t embarrass themselves in the future, and that’s nice of you if you decide to do it, but also optional! As for close family, friends and coworkers especially, I think you can expect your identity to be respected by those people. I don’t know if my advice is inner peace, because there’s a lot of discomfort in inhabiting a nonbinary identity out in the world, and I just want you to know that I see you in that, but I think, maybe, there’s a choose-your-battles kind of approach you can take if you have limited time and resources. I wouldn’t let it ALL go is what I’m saying, but I also wouldn’t spend all your energy on it either.
Q13:
Have any shorts kings tried the new fits/brands advertised for men? And if so, how do they work for AFAB bodies? There are also some brands like BothAnd specifically for trans-masculine bodies. I am curious about all these possibilities, but none of them are cheap.
I’d love to hear if anyone has tried them out and how they work both from a fit, style, quality and ease of returns POV. I mention ease of return bc Peau de Coup is in Canada and that reurn was a little trickier and more costly than I was expecting. Thanks so much!
A:
Nico: IDK if you meant a SHORT king or a SHORTS king because I am 5’8″ but I do wear shorts. SO, I will say that for me, I have been doing some squats, and my thighs do not mesh with the shorts that are meant for thinner legs. So, like, Old Navy men’s shorts are kind of a weird fit and, in my experience, don’t have enough give around the thigh. Same thing with most things made for cis men who skip leg day. As far as brands like Both& or Wildfang maybe…? I only have experience with Wildfang pants (I do not own a pair but know people who do), but they tend to have more room in the thigh and hip areas. Most of these kinds of brands have really carefully made charts with measurements designed to help you choose the right fit for you so I recommend getting ahold of a fabric measuring tape and really carefully taking your measurements and looking at the charts each brand puts out. Every clothing brand is different, so you can really only go by how your measurements stack up agains theirs when it comes to sizing. Another option, though a bit more of a pain, is to plan to get things tailored to fit you.
Q13:
I am a stone butch nonbinary lesbian who sometimes likes to pack. A while back, I was at a lesbian party and asked someone to dance with me. They said yes, we started dancing, but when they noticed my packer, they said it made them feel unsafe. Obviously, I’m happy to respect anyone’s personal boundaries, but it left me feeling unsure of how to navigate dance-y lesbian spaces like that.
I don’t know exactly how to word my question, so here are some of the thoughts coming up for me:
– I treasure the safety of lesbian spaces and don’t want to impede on that for others
– masc folx and trans/nb folx are already made to feel predatory out in the world
– lesbian ≠ no dicks, but some lesbians aren’t aware of that
A:
Ro: I’m so sorry you had this experience. You did nothing wrong by wearing a packer in a lesbian space. I’m fired up on your behalf for a few reasons:
1. I hate that this person suggested you were somehow doing something wrong by packing in a lesbian space. It sounds like packing is something that makes you feel at home in your butch, nonbinary lesbian identity. You being your lesbian self in a lesbian space isn’t harming anyone.
2. There is a long, beautiful, sexy history of packing in the lesbian community! I know that we can’t all magically absorb 537 lessons in queer history the second we come out, but after learning that this happened to you, I’m tempted to stand outside of every lesbian bar passing out copies of Stone Butch Blues.
3. I’m pretty alarmed by the way I’m seeing folks use the word “unsafe.” A packer that’s just existing in your pants isn’t threatening anyone’s safety. A penis that’s just existing in someone’s pants isn’t threatening anyone’s safety. I understand that many, many people (too many people!) have a history of sexual trauma involving cis men and their penises — I certainly do — but what I don’t understand is how the presence of a phallus in any form is creating an unsafe environment for anyone.
You didn’t share exactly how this person “noticed” your packer. It seems like this person noticed your bulge with their eyes, so that’s what I’ve been imagining when answering this question. But if they noticed your packer because you were grinding up against them and they weren’t into that, then — yeah — maybe you need to adjust how you’re dancing with strangers and make sure you have a solid read on potential dance partners’ body language before grinding up on someone again (or just ask if they want to dance like that!). But even in that case, your packer is not the problem.
I hope you’ll continue packing wherever and whenever you want, if that’s what makes you feel like your most confident, most authentic self. If you’re worried about something like this happening again, you can let your dance partners know you’re packing before you start dancing together — that might prevent you from surprising someone and getting a weird reaction — but I certainly don’t think you have to disclose that.
I’m really sorry you had this experience. There’s nothing predatory about wearing a packer in a lesbian space — you (and your packer!) belong there.
Nico: Here to wholeheartedly agree with Ro! You did nothing wrong by packing in a lesbian space. It is not, at all, a new thing!
Q14:
I keep getting caught in this boomerang loop with my gender—I realize I’m probably a trans guy, I start using he/him pronouns, I cut my hair and stop wearing dresses in an attempt to not get misgendered, I start t. Then I get hit with the full force of internalized transphobia and fatphobia and ageism: it’s too late for me, it’s too hard and I’m too pudgy and too old (I’m only 34 lol). And then I start missing being a girl because I used to be a femme dyke and there are things I really do miss about it, especially the clothes and how I used to look in them. I start worrying that I won’t like how I look a few years from now on t, but at the same time I legit love he/him pronouns and hate she/her and even they/them. I wish I could change my body at will back and forth between femme dyke and fruity bi guy…but I’m also worried that I’m just afraid of losing my privilege—I’ve always been a straight-passing, somewhat conventionally attractive woman-appearing person and the thought of losing that is really scary. I’ve literally been going back and forth over my gender identity for the past four years, and I’ve been on and off a low dose of t for about a year now. I know that I’m the only person who can decide what my gender is, but I’d love any advice on navigating all this, and the shame that comes with it.
A:
Himani: I want to start with the caveat that I am not trans and so maybe what I’m about to share in response to your letter will no be useful for you, and in which case I’m sorry, and also I hope that other writers/readers chime in with more useful information for you either in reply and/or in the comments.
When I read your letter it seems like there’s a lot of layers of experience that are happening, and one of the ones that resonated with me personally was the desire to switch your body back and forth at will between femme and masc presentations. There’s ways in which I can relate to that — there are definitely times where I wish I could seamlessly move from day to day between one presentation and another, but (in my case) things like hair take a long time to grow, etc. In my own personal experience, there’s a way in which the performance around gender is part of how I make sense of my own gender — that’s not to discredit the reality of gender identity for anyone, but rather my own awakening realization that the times in my life when I’ve presented as very femme and the times in my life when I’ve presented as more masc and everything in between, all of those things encompass gender for me.
I don’t by any means wish to discredit what you’re saying about shame or fear of losing privilege or internalized transphobia and fatphobia. I just wonder if you can continue to work through those pieces while also holding that maybe your experience of gender is all of the things you shared? The essay “My Gender Is Maximalism” by Frankie De La Cretaz comes to mind for me, and I wonder if you’ll find this essay as resonant and useful as I did. Ultimately, I don’t have a definitive “answer” for you and I wish you the best in working through this. But I hope that you can hold that there isn’t any single “right” answer; that you’re never, ever too old for anything (ever! seriously!); and that shame is what society has projected onto us for our refusal to conform to rules that I truly believe don’t actually work for anyone.
Q15:
Hi! I (cis lesbian) had been dating someone (non binary) for a couple years and things were going well until they started experiencing really severe dysphoria in their body and started withdrawing from the physical/sexual part of our relationship. This withdraw continued for around a year and my partner started identifying as asexual, citing a lot of disinterest in situations where the attention would be on their dysphoric parts. I understood; there are parts of my body that I don’t particularly like, and I get that dysphoria is like that x 10000, so I agreed to be patient with them. I realised that I am definitely not asexual and that this was hard on me, but they seemed to like when I would sleep in the same bed as them, things like that, so I figured I would take what I could get in this situation because compromises are important!
They started saving up for top surgery and gave me a lot of hope that once top surgery happened we’d be able to have sex again (I missed it!). I was able to convey my sadness about this current development and with a lot of discussion we opened up our relationship to make it possible for me to have sex and not be wholly reliant on them… except they were the one who, in the end, acquired a new partner and new relationship energy and….started having sex with them. A lot more sex than we had been having!
I broke it off after learning that they were having a sexual relationship after specifically denying me that for over a year. Why did they do this? If they didn’t want to have sex with ME that was ultimately fine but why did they lie about it for so long?
A:
Shelli: Yo — I was NOT prepared for where this was about to go. I can’t tell you why they did this, why they lied about it or why they didn’t want to have sex with you. I’m sorry if that is unhelpful because I know you wrote in for advice but what I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.
When you say things like “they gave you hope” and “they seemed to like it” I am going to assume that these were things that you talked about and were actually said and not just what you thought they were feeling. But it sounds like you were patient and understanding and communicated so I’m sorry again that it happened. It also sounds though, like you put your own needs to the side because your partner needed something from you that you were willing to give in the moment (i.e being patient with them as they worked through their sexual needs and how they viewed their body).
I know that its hard, to balance what you need along with what your partner needs, especially in a relationship that you fully want to be in and I’m unfortunately unable to tell you how to do that in the right way. ‘Cos on one hand you want to be supportive and patient with your partner, and on the other you have needs too. Perhaps you were of the mind that your needs could wait, that they could take a slight backseat whilst your partner went through it — but somewhere along the way your partner changed their mind and took advantage of your patience. At least that’s how it seems as a reader of the situation.
So What I can offer instead of advice is just more on the end of condolences. I’m sorry this happened to you, I hope your patience never gets taken advantage of again, and I wish you the best in all your future love and lusty times.
Himani: Echoing Shelli- I’m really sorry this happened to you. I think that sometimes, people struggle to really confront their feelings, and honestly when I read what you shared, I feel like that’s partially what happened here. I want to genuinely believe that the person you were dating was working through a lot of their own experiences of gender and sexuality. And, I think they were also avoiding the work of separating out that introspection from how they were feeling about your relationship — because those are separate things. Unfortunately, this resulted in you feeling like they broke your trust and strung you along.
Q16:
I came out to my family as queer and non-binary about a year and a half ago. I’ve taken a bunch of transition-related steps before and after that and I feel good about where I’m at gender-wise. The issue I’ve had to confront, though, is that my family doesn’t really want to know me. Although I had a mostly loving and stable upbringing, my family is also the conservative, homophobic/transphobic Christian type where you don’t talk about your feelings and everyone conforms to some extent in order to keep the peace. My coming out really messed up that pattern; the reaction was pretty negative. My mom has been coming around on things, but my dad and brother aren’t, and I don’t have high hopes they will. Any suggestions on how to make peace with that, and also ways to avoid having this impact future relationships or seeking out of community? I’m 30 but haven’t yet dated, and although I do have some good queer friends in my life, they’re not in the realm of “found family” that often gets talked about in queer circles (in part due to most of them living far away from me). Since I’ve been so used to a lack of curiosity/engagement/closeness from family, it’s easy to believe that I’ll go through the rest of my life without meeting people who really want to know and understand me (whether in terms of gender or anything else), let alone actually liking what they find. Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom <3
A:
Himani: I’m really sorry that your family betrayed you in this really painful way. I’m sorry that they told you they loved you, but when it came down to it, their actions demonstrate that they didn’t really, they couldn’t really, that they’d rather be beholden to some idea of an abstract “god” than the reality of you in front of them. I really, really am sorry. You ask for suggestions about “how to make peace with that,” and the best advice I can offer you is to give yourself time, space, and grace. It’s taken me a decade of living on my own, five years of therapy, and three years of writing to start to make my own peace with my own family’s inability to really accept me for who I really am and for failing to live up to who they wanted and expected me to be. Everyone I talk to who has some version of this type of dynamic in their own families, everything I read about other people’s experiences — there’s just so many layers of processing that need to happen and, more than that, layers upon layers of grief. It all takes time and, honestly, in my own experience with this, the peace I’ve made with this for the moment is with the fact that I will always feel sad about it. It will always color my experiences in the world and the extent to which I (don’t) trust people. Fundamentally, it is a part of who I am, for better and for worse.
One of the hard things I’ve found with having this type of family dynamic is that it can be really hard to trust that other people will actually care about you in a real way. And I’ve definitely had my share of experiences with people who I thought were friends but when push came to shove, they really couldn’t be there with me during the hard times. They only wanted to talk about light hearted things, even though I was very clearly struggling and needed more support. And I’ve definitely had experiences like that (especially recently) within the queer community. It’s so hard. But the thing I try to remind myself is that each person I am faced with, whether they’re someone I’m meeting new for the first time or someone I’ve known for years — they are their own. The past and prior experiences with other people don’t necessarily translate onto the person in front of me in a particular moment. It’s hard, I think all of our brains are wired to try to find patterns in our experiences — certainly I know that is how I go through the world. The other thing I’ve realized with this, over the years though, is that it’s like a pendulum swinging back and forth and back and forth. There are moments where I recede, where my trust has been broken or things have been too reminiscent of past experiences with my family, and I just need to build my life around relying solely on myself. And then there are times where I can start to venture out and try to trust the people in my life a little more, ask for the things I need from them, and even meet new people. For myself, I’ve had to learn to be ok with that opening up and receding.
Finally, I want to leave you with this thought. I was really struck by this sentence in your letter: “Since I’ve been so used to a lack of curiosity/engagement/closeness from family, it’s easy to believe that I’ll go through the rest of my life without meeting people who really want to know and understand me (whether in terms of gender or anything else), let alone actually liking what they find.” I’m going to ask you the question that comes to mind for me, that when I’m faced with it myself I often squirm and try to avoid it: Do you like what you find in yourself?
Perhaps I am projecting, but in my own experience of my family rejecting the reality of me being an individual in my own right, buried underneath all of it is a devastating sense of being unlovable, which I see echoed in your letter. I really do believe that as people we learn to love ourselves by seeing other people love us — I think the idea that we can love ourselves without having that be mirrored back at us by others around us is just false. But when that hasn’t been given to you by the family you grew up with, or when that family reveals that it was all a lie predicated on your performing to their expectations, then how do you find love within yourself? This is a question that’s plagued my life, to be honest. And the only answer I can give you is to take it bit by bit, piece by piece. Take in the small moments with friends who care in the ways that they can for what they are, even if it’s not the ways that you want or need or the depth you crave — they are still reflections of the fact that people love you, they want to be around you, they want you to be in their life, even if they don’t fully “know” you.
And slowly, overtime, I believe that you’ll piece together a network of friends, other relationships, and most importantly your relationship yourself, where in sum total you are seen and known in the ways you want to be. Based on what you’ve written, it’s clear you won’t get what you need from your family overall, and, sadly, there are no guarantees around finding partnered/romantic/etc relationships that fulfill your needs (especially now, dating being the hellscape it is, IMO). But in spite of all that, I really do believe you’ll piece together many loves in your life. It might never fill the gaping hole left by your family, but that void might get smaller and less raw with time.
Q17:
Advice box gender feelings: How do I navigate gender feelings around being a birthing parent? I am already dreading the aggressive gendering I’ll face. How can I be a birthing parent and still assert myself as a nonbinary person?
A:
Casey: I’m sorry you have to deal with worries about being misgendered during pregnancy and birthing, which are difficult already all on their own. I am thinking from your question that you are not pregnant yet, so the tips I’m sharing are with that in mind.
Depending on where you live, there may be options for a medical practitioner to follow you throughout your pregnancy who is knowledgeable about nonbinary people and pregnancy. Can you search for doctors and/or midwives in your area who are queer and trans friendly? Check their intake forms and see if they have options for pronouns and gender identity. I live in a small city in Canada and one of the midwife clinics here really impressed me with the lack of gendered assumptions in their online applications for care. If you have a main healthcare provider who is supportive and knowledgeable, you can ask them to use their influence to help other medical staff (like nurses or ultrasound technicians, etc) not misgender you. Ask them to add notes to referrals about your being nonbinary or to refer you to places/practitioners who are known to be queer/trans friendly.
For support during pregnancy and birth, consider looking into hiring a doula who is knowledgeable about nonbinary identity. Doulas’ jobs are to advocate for their clients in medical contexts, especially during labour and delivery, and are there to be a calm outside presence. You can discuss with them the role you’d like them to have during labour and delivery to help you feel empowered, to protect you from misgendering, and to make a plan for how you’d like them to address staff naming mistakes. Of course, a partner or other supportive person can fill some or all of the roles of a doula, but they don’t have the benefit of being less emotionally involved or the training or the knowledge about the medical system and pregnancy/birth.
It’s not uncommon for pregnant people to have a birthing plan that they give to medical staff when they arrive at a hospital. It might include things like whether or when you want to be offered pain relief, if you or a partner wants to cut the umbilical cord, etc. You can assert your nonbinary identity there and request staff abstain from using specific terms like “mom” to refer to you. At least in my experience giving birth in a hospital, there is one nurse who is assigned to you as your point person (depending on how long you are there, the person might change once when their shift ends). You can give them your birth plan and ask them to relay the info to anyone else who might be interacting with you (doctors, other nurses etc). Of course, a doula, partner, and/or other support person is your backup to having this plan actually followed.
I am wishing you all the best on your parenting journey!
Q18:
Hi! This is for the gender feels advice box.
tl;dr – I’m a nonbinary/genderfluid person in my thirties and I’m trying to decide if, how and to what extent I want to medically transition. Some of the effects of low-dose T sound appealing but there are some I don’t want. I know that some folks take finasteride to mitigate those effects, but I also know that still doesn’t mean you can pick and choose, and the stuff I don’t want is also not usually reversible if you stop taking it. (Also, finasteride comes with a black box warning, and I have MH issues already.) I also worry about not being able to sing any more after my voice breaks.
The only thing I’m certain I want is top surgery, but even that’s challenging. I have a small frame and a big chest; my disabilities prevent me from binding more than occasionally, but when I do I look more barrel-chested than anything, which makes it hard to visualise what I want my chest to even look like. I live in the UK and non-binary top surgery isn’t really available here, so my options are a) go completely flat, b) get a chest reduction, or c) travel somewhere that offers more options, at huge expense. I would need to be fully sure of what I want first in any case, and I’m not.
How do I figure this out? How am I supposed to know what I want my body to look like when my gender identity isn’t fixed and probably never will be? What if I make a decision and it’s the wrong one? Are these bad questions that make me a bad trans? I feel completely lost.
A:
shea: Hi, fellow wonderful non-binary person. I want to start by saying there is no wrong way to be trans or non-binary. Surgery, medication, and appearance don’t define our transness. I am writing and telling you this because it is something I have to tell myself every single day. Sometimes, it feels truer than other days for me. The real truth is that we live in a society that likes to ascribe rigid definitions, labels, and assumptions to gender and sex even when we say we’re not. I totally get the “I don’t feel like the idyllic trans/nonbinary person” feelings you seem to be having because I often feel them too. Even within the expansive trans community, we are pummeled with definitions of transness that aren’t always inclusive. While medically transitioning is, of course, not a requirement for “achieving” (not real) a certain level transness, I also get the desire to want to feel more like yourself physically. We all deserve to have a body that makes us feel good.
Top surgery is a big deal no matter what. When thinking about your options, I might suggest you reflect on your association between chests and gender identity. Like if your gender identity expands more, will you regret you didn’t get surgery? TBH I’ve never met a nonbinary person who regrets getting top surgery. Folks might regret their surgeon or their choices around which type of get, but never the actual decision to do it. So that brings me back to your questions about your options. My answer to this is not really an answer but I do think you need to weigh what feels most right for you both physically and financially. Is the biggest financial expense better for your long-term health and well-being? Will you be happy with just a reduction or wish you had paid more for something different? I’m in my 30s too and lately, I’ve been really thinking about the long-term effects of the big decisions I make – Will I be happy in 5 years? How might I feel in 10? Because that matters, especially when it comes to our bodies.
I know it’s hard to visualize what you want your chest to look like, but I wonder if there are nonbinary or trans celebrities or folks you know who have a similar frame to you that you might use as a model. I haven’t had surgery but some of my friends have talked to me about how helpful their doctors’ advice, patients’ pictures, and support were when they were contemplating this big decision. I would recommend doing a combination of this type of research to help with your visualization. Google some beautiful trans folks with top surgery and small frames. Book some consults to get some advice/examples of your options.
Lastly, remember that transness is expansive beyond our wildest imaginations. If you want to medically transition, please do it for you – not for anyone else’s definition of what we’re supposed to look, feel, or act like. Sending you love across the ocean!
Q19:
Gender feels: What is mine?! The answer I’ve given most recently on surveys is “agender.” I loathe gender and its rules; am comforted by Becky Chambers’ employment of a genderless protagonist using “they” pronouns in A Psalm for the Wild-Built; and have never felt comfy choosing M or F on forms due to their gender associations. I don’t feel like a “man” or a “woman,” and am itchy every time I have to choose, but not because I’m in between. (Is “woman” indicative of sex or gender?)
BUT I don’t feel at home using They pronouns myself. I don’t identify as enby or trans. I identify with She pronouns (perhaps bc I am tied so strongly to the lifetime of struggles anyone assigned “girl” at birth inherits) and feel like I have slightly more femme beauty ideals but also some masculine beauty ideals, and am ashamed not to be solidly either ideal. I had a dream last night where a magic mixup caused me to have a penis and I was both mortified and deeply uncomfortable! Having a penis doesn’t make one a man, so I think it must again be tied to my associations with penis-havers who identity as men (toxic masculinity). And the comfort I have with my blessedly internalized reproductive organs.
Truly I wish we could all be free of gender shackles and only have 1 category to deal with, for medical needs: sex. Vulva-havers, Penis-havers, Intersex. And it wouldn’t mean much outside of how that body functioned.
Does that make me agender, a non-binary woman, or just a frustrated She?
A:
Ro: This probably isn’t the answer you want: You don’t have to choose a gender, the thoughts you’re having don’t “make” you a certain gender, and no one — not even the wise, queer writers of Autostraddle — can tell you what your gender is. It’s okay to just feel weird about gender as a concept and focus on making choices that feel aligned with your truest self, whether those choices are associated with masculinity, femininity, neither, both, or some other quality you can’t define (language is limiting). It sounds like you like she/her pronouns, so those don’t need to change; you’re comfortable with your genitals, so those don’t need to change either; and you like embracing both masculinity and femininity in your presentation, so you can keep on having fun with that. You don’t have to figure it out today, in five years, or ever. Sitting with uncertainty can be hard at first, but eventually, giving yourself permission to be uncertain might bring you the peace you’re craving.
Riese: I agree with Ro! If it’s any comfort to you, I often feel the same way! I don’t really “feel like a woman,” but I also don’t feel non-binary. Sometimes I check woman and sometimes I check agender, although neither feel entirely true. I’ve felt pulls towards and identification with all sorts of genders and presentations throughout the course of my life, I spent most of my childhood often being perceived as a boy. As a straight person, I was seen as a tomboy, and once I became gay and often dated masc people, I was suddenly perceived as more femme. When people ask me for a preferred pronoun, I honestly feel like I’m lying to claim that I have any preference at all. She/her is what people assume and I don’t care enough to change that, because it’s not like there are other pronouns that I’d like better — or worse! And I can feel that way about myself while also recognizing that for other people, using specific pronouns is incredibly important and meaningful. For so many people in the queer community, discovering/identifying one’s gender identity or one’s even gender presentation is possible and also can be so transformative and reassuring and empowering. But that might not be true for every queer person, you know? You can just exist. There is no one way to be a woman or a man or a non-binary person. Maybe later in your life you’ll figure something else out about your gender, or land on a specific identity that feels right to you. But maybe you won’t, and either way that’s an okay way to be!
Q20:
This is for the gender feels advice box. Four years ago I got divorced and then a few months later finally accepted my genderqueer amazingness. I’m feeling ready to try dating again but haven’t dated in a over a decade and haven’t dated as an out genderqueer person. I’m not sure how to do it. Honestly I have never liked dating and always found it hard. But now it feels even harder. I live in a rural area with few local dating options so I will have to do the online dating thing if I want a dating pool larger than 5 people. I don’t actually know what my question is. I guess I just need a pep talk?
A:
Himani: This is probably not the pep talk you want, but it is the pep talk I can give you. Dating is a hellscape right now, especially online. And, it is a great way to meet a lot of different people. You’ll struggle to make matches or get real engagement. And, you’ll meet a few people who you make genuine connections with, who you might not end up in relationships with but will become meaningful connections and friendships. When you’re not getting any replies to your endless stream of intro messages, and not getting likes, and then getting ghosted by the handful of people who do engage, you’ll start to question if it’s because of some aspect of your identity or where you live or what you’re looking for in a relationship or your prior experiences or any number of things. And, at the end of it all, you’ll talk to some of the other people you know who are also online dating and realize that you’re all struggling with the same dating hellscape realities — that it’s actually not about you and your identity and your experiences at all, but rather the fact that everyone is so broken from the pandemic and tech has moved in a direction of truly bringing out the worst in us.
In spite of all of that, you will persevere in the hope that you’ll be one of the lucky few who has a heartwarming success story with online dating and find the love or romance or sex or whatever you’re looking for. And, if you continue to persevere, eventually, someday, somehow, you will get something of value out of it, even if it’s not what you went into it looking for.
Q21:
This is for the gender feelings advice box! My question is basically about being a trans man figuring out what my relationship could be now to queer women’s spaces/culture. I have seen this spoken about mostly in terms of butch and transmasc solidarity, but a complicating factor for me is that I don’t identify at all with butchness. I was actually pretty femme pre-transition because dressing masc as a “woman” made me even more dysphoric. So while I value the history of affinity between butch and transmasc populations, it’s not something I relate to. I’m trying to figure out if I fit at all as basically a fem-of-center trans man. I came up in queer women’s spaces and culture, first identifying as a lesbian and then as bisexual (still bi, just a dude now). My concerns now are in a couple different categories. One, there’s the transmasc anxiety about taking up space where I don’t belong. I wouldn’t say I’m totally cis passing, but I look like and sound like a man, and the further I get in transition, the more I perceive in subtle ways that women have stopped seeing me as part of the group—which can be confusing because that’s what I wanted, but also emotionally weird in terms of my history. I have been around queer women and heard comments that now seem reductive and uncomfortable like “ew men are gross” jokes. I also don’t feel like I fit in cis queer men’s spaces at all, though, and the nuances of cis gay male culture totally elude me. I guess the answer might just be that I belong around other trans people, which is great, but I also don’t fully want to give up my other affinities past and present.
A:
Nico: Thank you for writing in! This is hard! The first thing I can say is that it can be really difficult to reconcile with the fact that you can’t really change how other people interact with you. If I can relate to this a little, it’s that when I was more high femme presenting, I was able to have friendships with femme queer and even straight women and was more welcomed into their spaces. I haven’t even like medically transitioned but I have short hair and sometimes dress masc and the difference in treatment is palpable. There are people who are still totally down to hang and treat me as my authentic self and who do not take anything at face value — and then there are other people who really seem to go off of super entrenched ideas of gender and the ways that it affects how they relate to others. You mention butch / trans masc solidarity and like, my butch girlfriend has, on multiple occasions, been excluded from groups of femmes organizing “woman” activities despite the fact that she IDs as a woman. Obvs, you’re a dude, but it’s interesting to me that you mention that solidarity because I think it’s not just a solidarity around presentation but also a solidarity around dealing with some kind of exclusion and needing to build up other spaces and community instead. Wow that’s convoluted. But I think one of the things there, is that, yes, sometimes we need to build our own spaces as a response to inter-community exclusion.
Anyway, I do want to climb up on a soap box for a second and be like, we as a community need to chill out, to not be so rigid, and to generally fight transphobia by understanding that the lesbian community has always and will always be gender diverse. For one, I think that pretending trans men are cis men is kind of weird (hear me out) because often trans men do things that cis men don’t, like looking me in the eye when they’re talking to me and taking me seriously. I sound snide but it’s true! I don’t know. I’m just one person. Also, as a white person, glomming onto unexamined misandry (a hallmark of White Feminism) is not helpful when it comes to fighting for liberation from an intersectional perspective. It’s easy, but again, generalizing is not a quality practice! So, sure, of course, we sometimes need to create safer spaces organized around affinities but I think it’s important to distinguish between what is a space that is organized in order to make its members feel safer and help them build connection along affinity lines (think a QTPOC meetup) and where it’s a space for everybody and making it exclusive is harmful (see the question about someone being made to feel bad for wearing a packer in a queer dance space above). It’s important to be able to distinguish between the two. Of course, again, that’s work, so people don’t necessarily do it! This is all in response to the “men are gross” jokes, by the way.
So, wow, this is going to be on a case by case basis, right? Like, I hope you will feel free to inhabit generally queer spaces and feel like you belong and that you don’t have to feel anxiety about it, and, on the other hand, I think, as with many things, we also have to self-select when it’s not a space for us. (Like you won’t see me showing up to a woman’s circle anytime soon, I don’t/cannot apply to women’s-only writing residencies, etc.) But I think that if one does that self-selection and you know like, “hey, this is a space that says it is for me,” that you should feel free to be there! I also think that you can definitely continue to invite friends to hang, that you can curate your own events and spaces, too, and I think that might be helpful. I know that takes some more energy, but if you are the one creating the hang, then you get to set the tone for the space, and you never know who might be grateful that you put in the time and effort to do so!
Q22:
I’ve been in the process of coming out as trans for the last 22 years. By ~2019 I couldn’t shove my dysphoria into the dark anymore. I started phytoestrogen supplements (bad idea, it’s awkward to reek of fenugreek) and over the counter topicals. All royally bad ideas (can you spell full body hives? I can); but legal and didn’t require me to talk to anyone. I was a little stuck, for reasons. Would not recommend. But really until this past November I could count the people who knew on one hand.
I came out to my parents over the holidays via a game of telephone: I told my sister-in-law, who offered to talk to my brother, who in turn offered to talk to my parents. It could’ve been a Hallmark holiday special, especially amusing because they are all nominally Christian and I’m Jewish (or at least trying, but that’s another story: try picking a Hebrew name while closeted trans)… it’d be super cute.
My friends have all been supportive, and my parents… accepting. My wife has been amazing: from when I told her I was ‘kind of trans’ in ~2006… to very recently helping me/encouraging me find a trans specialized physician (I’ll have my 1st appt next week) and taking the changes in our relationship and my body in stride. And helping prepare to tell our kids.
But I feel like an impostor — for presenting as male while knowing for 3/4 of my life that I wasn’t, for trading on male privilege, for making a claim of a trans identity while still trading on that privilege [I’m not out at work. I can still pass as male if you don’t look too close]. I know who I am, but what can I do to start moving past feeling like an impostor?!?
A:
Niko Hi! Okay, I know this feeling verrrrrrrrry well. It’s a super common experience so don’t feel at all like an imposter! Instead, very honestly, welcome to the team! I myself had to present as masc still when I first came out because I was still working in construction at the time and well, you can imagine what that was like.
You’re not an imposter at all, you are in fact someone who has thought about this for years upon years and have made slow and delicate and careful movements to where you are now and that is the work of someone who knows what they are doing. I want to tell you that you might be putting too much pressure on yourself right now, and worrying about the optics of it all but more than anything, I hope you are able to be slow and kind and gentle and loving with yourself right now. This is a slow movement, it’s like doing ballet when you have never danced in your life. The steps will take time to learn and to master and that is already a lot of work and it’s best to not burden yourself with the things you cannot control regardless.
We do not claim trans identity, it chooses us and all we can do is name it for our own lives, accept and embrace it. You are not taking something undeserved, but rather being given a gift of clarity and cherished truth and I hope you take a moment every opportunity you get to embrace yourself for accepting what you have struggled with for so long. Congratulations, you did it.
There is this struggle, and I know it and honestly all these years later I still fight it from time to time, to worry that who we were, who we pretended to be to survive as we fought the very idea of ourselves, means that we do not deserve all that we can become and I wish there was a card or leaflet we could give each other when we come out that says “none of that matters babe, here you are all the same. Welcome, lay your burdens down and find a new way beyond this point.”
Who you are is so much more than the way people read you as for portions of your life, how you looked and the way you were perceived. Those things are just the abstract, the unknowable. What matters now is that you not only know who you are, but you have told people and have taken the steps that matter to you and that they will lead you, a little every day, into a new life that you can feel safe and alive in. Whatever came before doesn’t matter, what matters is how you get through this moment here and now and how you wake up every day after and master new dance moves. Before long you’ll be soaring, and I love this for you.
This is all to say that this is a thing that happens to a lot of us, and it in fact binds you to so many of your trans siblings and welcome. Welcome. We are so lucky to have you here.
Q23:
Hey there! I’ve got a question for the gender feelings advice box. For context, I am a fat, cis woman. I have recently been experiencing a lot of joy in moving my style to be more masc. I feel like it gets me in touch with my lesbian identity in a really beautiful, affirming way. Which is great and exciting! However, I find that a lot of masc fashion and/or masc fashion advice is about drawing attention away from the chest, which is the opposite of what I personally want to do. I like my titties and do want to show them off! I just struggle with how to since a lot of masc styles I see don’t work for me. Outfits like “no bra, button up half undone” is uncomfortable at my size and works better for thin people. But then when I look for tops that are a little more revealing, all I run into are those godawful plus-size-cold-shoulder-random-frills-and-floral style. Any fashion advice or style inspiration? I’m trying to slowly invest in more quality/slow fashion pieces, but this is an area where I struggle, so I’d appreciate anything you could throw at me ideas wise!
A:
Himani: Not sure if this will match the style you’re looking for, but I wanted to suggest fitted vests. Not the ones for flat-chested/thin people that cover up your boobs, but rather the ones that accentuate around the boobs. I’ve linked a couple of styles from Shein that are along the lines of what I mean. And I hate to link to Amazon but it’s the only place that a quick google search is pulling up a very particular style I bought like a decade ago from a store that I think is now out of business that I absolutely love. It’s a racerback style, but again fitted and slightly flared around boobs/waist.
Q24:
Hello A+,
Sex has always been challenging. I went through the motions of hetero-style scripted sex for years before I knew I was queer. It felt bad being seen in a gendered way within this script. Queer sex is an improvement, and T4T sex has been the Least Bad, but I still feel dysphoric and squiggly, no matter the act or parts of the person I’m with. I hate being seen as gendered in any way, even if that’s while queer sex is happening.
It feels like no matter what gender I’m having sex with/as, I have the same issues. I don’t think I’m asexual. I feel desire, and I want to work to get better at letting it in, but when it comes time to act on it, to touch or be touched, the squirming feeling of being seen by someone else gets in the way. I tend to dissociate or clam up once another person is touching me or wanting me to touch them. My thoughts snap to: “STOP! How are you doing gender in this moment?” It inhibits connection and makes me sad. I want to try, but I don’t even know what the problem is, or what I could do to be more okay with partnered sex. It’s probably relevant that I have a background of medical trauma as an intersex person, that is often experienced somatically as sex abuse at the hands of doctors.
I long for the freedom that more sexually open queers seem to have. I long to explore kink and feel embodied in the presence of others. But I’m just not there yet. Why is having a body so hard? Help?
Sincerely,
Doomed to Dysphoria?
A:
Himani: I’m sorry that you’re struggling in this way, and I’m sorry that you’ve had the traumatic experiences you’ve had in medical contexts. You may already be working with a therapist, and I also want to acknowledge that it may be difficult to find a therapist who is competent in and sensitive to understanding the experiences of intersex people, but working through these experiences with a trained and skilled therapist is honestly my best recommendation.
Beyond that, I can share that I also find sex and approaching sex to be challenging, so even though I don’t share your experiences some of what you wrote feels resonant to me. I don’t know if this applies to your situation but for me, I struggle a lot with trust: with trusting that another person will accept my body for all that it is and will treat it with the care and kindness we all deserve, and also with trusting that I have agency over my body and what I do with it and what happens to it, that even if I make mistakes along the way it’s all a journey anyways and we get something out of every experience, even if it wasn’t what we wanted. I can only imagine how experiencing the kind of abuse you described in a setting where you are (by choice or not) required to trust that the person in power wouldn’t violate you, can do a lot to shatter that ability to trust others with your body. But perhaps I’m just projecting my own feelings onto your experiences.
In My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness, Nagata Kabi makes (what felt to me, at least) a profound observation that sex is perhaps the ultimate form of communication. And so I wonder if working through more communication with partners upfront in terms of what you want, your boundaries, and also how you want your gender to be perceived and experienced will help alleviate some of what comes up for you around “how are you doing gender in this moment?” (And again, apologies if you’re already doing this or if it’s not relevant to your situation or experience.)
Q25:
hey! this is for the Gender Feelings advice column. over the past year, through talking with nonbinary friends, I’ve been thinking about my own gender identity. More and more, I think nonbinary lesbian might be a good identity fit for me. I’ve always been very femme but am now wanting to play with presentation and try more masc looks. In doing so, I’m realizing how much my weight plays into my presentation and even gender (I’m fat and generally like my body, but have some baggage as most people do). I genuinely like being femme, but I wonder how much of it is Me and how much of it is….it’s hard to put into words but basically the pressure to look “conventionally attractive” and gender conforming, that manifests extra when you’re fat. I’ve found that when I try masc styles, sometimes I feel amazing gender euphoria but often don’t like how my body looks in the outfits and I think it’s a lot to do with internalized fatphobia. So I’m unpacking that, and also just looking for practical tips on how to dress masc as someone with a large chest and hips, who hasn’t really found binding to be comfortable. I’d love to hear if anyone’s had similar thoughts around fatness and gender, similar struggles trying gnc looks and how you manage that, and also again any practical clothing tips! Thank you!!
A:
shea: Whew. Hello to you and all of your (perfectly normal and beautiful) feelings and curiosities. I’m so happy you asked this question! As a fellow fat queer, I’ve got some answers for you. Before I jump in, let me just say that of course, we’re all different — my experience, desires, and identities are obviously not the same as yours. Despite this, I’m hoping some of our overlaps (and my thoughts) might help a bit.
I had very similar thoughts when I started dressing more masc about a decade ago and sometimes those thoughts creep back in: “do I want to dress more masc or do I just not feel like I can adequately subscribe to what feminine is in my body?” But for me, it’s pretty clear because I’m non-binary and I’m like “fuck gender and imma wear what I want that makes my body feel best.” I’ve found that what I feel best in is more “masc” clothing. This probably wouldn’t have been the case 10 years ago but nowadays I feel like there are more options for fat folks looking for gender-affirming clothing.
Practical tips: I’ve never tried binding because I just don’t like being uncomfortable but I do wear sports bras. I usually get full-coverage sports bras from Lane Bryant or Torrid, but I’ve also heard great things about Tomboy X’s bras and compression tanks. As far as clothing – there’s a lot and also not enough options. Without knowing what size you are, let me just give some general recommendations:
- Target’s Original Use line is wonderful and (mostly) spacious. I have also found some cute items in their Big and Tall online collection.
- Old Navy is clutch for a lot of reasons. They’ve got Big sizes for Men and extended sizes for Women. For dress pants, check out their OGC Chinos (Women). I find the Men’s Big and Tall to be nice too, particularly for t-shirts. For other pants (like jeans or shorts), I usually just look for Boyfriend or chino-type stuff at Old Navy, Torrid, or Lane Bryant.
- For oxford shirts, I almost exclusively wear Polo Ralph Lauren. This may seem elitist, but trust me – it’s not. I have pretty large arms and a prominent chest.It took me a long time to find a shirt that fits well. Once I found it, I stuck with it. Luckily, they make them in big sizes and tons of colors/sleeve lengths, etc. They are expensive if you don’t catch them on sale (and even when you do), but I’ve had some of my favorites for more than a decade. If you have a Destination XL close by, I’d pop in and try on some stuff until you find what you like for a dress/oxford shirt. I usually don’t have much success with their pants, but the stores smell good inside and the sales people are usually super nice.
- For underwear, I’d go with Tomboy X. Depending on your size, boxer briefs may work. My thighs are thick and they curled up on me, but I LOVE their briefs and they fit well (and make me feel good). I haven’t tried their swim line yet but it’s next on my list.
- If you want to do bowties for a snazzier look and have a larger budget, I recommend checking out Beau Ties of Vermont. They are handmade and go up to a 23.5 neck size. When I first started wearing more masc clothing, these were my statement pieces and damn – they look good.
Lastly, hips can be so damn annoying especially when you’re going for a certain look (or want certain pants). I’ve got no solution for this but just want to send some love from a fellow thick-thighed, fat queer with love handles galore. Keep shining, fam! Hope this helps.
Himani: I can’t speak to this particular experience myself but I wanted to share the essay, “When Thin Is a Trans Requirement” by Eli Cugini. I really loved this essay and hopefully you find it relatable.
Q26:
Hi, beloved Autostraddle Team! I am a 30-ish nonbinary person who has over the last years come to present more and more masculine. I love my short hair, button-down shirts, and pants from the ‘men’s’ side of the store. But I also acquired a lot of big dangly earrings over the course of my more femme presenting years, and I love them dearly. But whenever I wear them, they clash with my more masculine-leaning aesthetic and make me feel more like a middle-aged lady wanting to be hip rather than a nonbinary badass. Is there a masc way to style earrings? Can you recommend any cool people on the internet who I can steal style ideas from? Thank you, and keep on being awesome!
A:
Ro: I think dangly earrings look excellent in combination with punk/goth/generally alternative fashion. So if that speaks to you, maybe you can add some alternative elements to your masc wardrobe (a belt with chains, a leather vest, motorcycle boots, etc.) to pull your earrings and outfit together. The 80s were a glorious era of masculine earrings. Think Soft Cell and Depeche Mode. But also: you don’t have to change the way you dress to make your earrings suit your style, and you might, in fact, be giving off nonbinary badass energy with your masc clothes/dangly earring combo. My girlfriend is a femme-leaning person, but sometimes she wears masc business casual with a single dangly earring, and in my humble opinion, that is a steamy, dreamy look.
Nico: Here to second the fact that one dangly earring is a surefire way to both wear dangly earrings and to visibly queer up / masc up / nonbinary up a look. I often wear earrings in this way and it’s very rare I’ll wear two at the same time, but I like my long dangly earrings! Also, you did not ask about buying MORE long dangly earrings haha but recently I’ve been rocking one made out of a snake vertebrae and I feel like having vaguely threatening jewelry adds a nice twist. ALSO I do want to push back gently against your phrasing “middle-aged lady wanting to be hip” because middle-aged ladies can in fact be very hip. I think one of the keys to looking stylish in middle age is to not be chasing trends, but to instead develop a personal style that is uniquely yours and that works for you, and to continue to perfect that. Does that make sense? I hope so.
I meant to write in to this inbox, there’s so much helpful and thoughtful gender stuff in these responses, so thank you!!!
Q23 on plus size titty masc fashion… I would suggest bra/ crop top + button up fully undone is a great fat friendly alternative to the “no bra, button up half undone” situation you mentioned.
I have really enjoyed leaning into showing a bit of skin on the top half above a high rise jean or “dad trouser” with this technique. some of the more masc outfits that Izzie wore on Atypical sparked a lot of inspiration for me. As someone with a bit of a chest myself I often find short sleeve button ups work better to go up a size and wear open for some reason
q4 – just to say you are not alone. i too am in my 30s, from a midwestern town, and lack what many would consider a style or gender expressive wardrobe. i moreso id as agender – gender is a hobby i opt out of besides what is placed on me by others. but ppl who don’t know me perceive me as a cis woman & i have mostly given up trying to signal otherwise day to day. i do with my hair & my clothes what’s COMFY. my hair is comfy this way. my clothes are comfy this way. when i go run an errand in my soft pants, i relish that as an adult, i have made a life where i can do this, and i can bc i am an adult. for me personally there is some white & thin privilge in being able to conduct errands dressed like this & be unbothered and i do put on a collar & hard pants if i need to ask something of an Institution like the post office or a bank, or return an expensive item. i do have ‘party clothes’ that i have that are more expressive and less comfy, its 2-3 outfits, and they make me feel festive and moreso communicate to queers that i am queer, and i wear them OHcassionally to occasions. overtime i am gradually collecting more comfy clothes that one by one make me happy with their texture, fit, and color. this is boys’ shorts and jeans, men’s longsleeves, women’s & men’s cashmere 2nd hand sweaters, women’s pijamas gifted to me that are so so soft, my friend’s handmedown athleisure wear that is soft. day to day, i exercise my adulthood by wearing whatever the fuck i want as often as i can, choosing to spend money on things books and food moreso than clothes. the result does not happen to fit into anything stylish or even reflect my inward non-experience of gender in terms this culture gets. and yet,,, and yet, every so often i get a suprising compliment, which i think is from how i carry myself in these comfy clothes. the vivacity the softness affords me.
this column warms my heart, much love to all the genderful and genderless writers and responders
Q10, +1 to Nico’s note about DHT blockers like Finasteride- there are some tradeoffs but some people do take that alongside T and it might be worth looking into/talking to your provider about.
Q14, the author’s name on that piece linked in Himani’s response is Frankie de la Cretaz, can we get an edit on that at least in this column pls? (their bylines on earlier pieces are updated most places)
Q22, Niko said all the things- just want to say I am so excited for you for that first appointment <3
Q25, whew there is so, so, so much to unpack re: the relationship between fatness and gender. Having a rough brain time so I won't say as much here as I otherwise might, but quick reading recs: book-wise, Da'Shaun Harrison's "Belly of the Beast: The Politics of Anti-Fatness as Anti-Blackness" is a key text imo. For shorter online stuff, Caleb Luna has things in different places, and more recently Robin Zabiegalski has done some good writing on this on their Medium.
hi @hihello! Sorry about using the incorrect name for Frankie De La Cretaz and thanks for letting me know! I’ve updated my reply above.
So many great questions and answers! One resource I’d recommend is the book How to Understand You Gender by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker (two trans trauma therapists and researchers)!
Thank you for doing a gender feels advice box—I loved reading all of these!!
This is for Q14 on having a boomerang gender. I related to this! I’m transmasc, on T, he/him and mostly enjoy being read as a dude in public BUT sometimes I really miss parts of my previous femme presentation (dresses, jewelry, heels etc!). I don’t have a solution but I have found it most helpful to think about my gender and its different components contextually, rather than all at once. You don’t have to do ALL YOUR GENDER ALL THE TIME (draft title for Everything Everywhere All At Once maybe) but maybe you could find spaces where you’d be comfortable doing particular parts of your gender? On an average day, I pretty much present on a spectrum ranging from boring millennial dude to obviously queer man, but I have been thinking about ways to tap into more of my femme side in specific contexts too. I wouldn’t be comfortable wearing a dress or anything out in public right now because I would either get misgendered by being perceived as a woman OR I would be transphobically perceived as a man in a dress and would feel unsafe. But in specific queer and trans spaces, maybe that’s something I could experiment with! For example, there are transmasc drag queens and I love that! Or even if not full drag, just dressing up femme but still being perceived as a man is something I could get in trans spaces but not out in the cishet world, so maybe you could seek out more spaces where you’d feel safe experimenting with presentation (if you haven’t already). I also know people who use different pronouns depending on what context they’re in. I think sometimes we are pressured to find our one true gender identity and presentation for all contexts at all times, but that doesn’t have to be the case and there’s a lot of power in that.
Q8: I knew someone who identified as a lesbian and a trans man at the same time, you are not the only one.
Q15 – I wonder if the partner actually lied, or if they genuinely thought/hoped they would want to have sex again (and wanted to want to have sex) but found over time/as they learned more about themselves that they didn’t. The language about being “denied” sex also makes me wonder if there was some unintentional pressure happening on the part of the letter writer. This is a tough situation to be in on either side.
I agree, I think the responses to that question were very sympathetic to the letter writer but they sound like they felt very entitled to sex!
I have had periods of not having sex with one partner and still having sex with another, and I think that’s totally valid and not an insult to anyone. I am moving through some difficult times with one partner and that is currently in the way of a sexual connection, but I relate to my other partner differently and there are different factors that mean I’m happy having sex with her. This is part of having multiple relationships, and expecting sex because someone’s having it with someone else seems unlikely to make anyone happier. It sounds like the letter writer is hurt and was not ready to be poly, but saying their partner was “specifically denying me” sex is not it.
I just wanted to say, thank you all for sending in these questions. As someone who has been on a gender journey, I really am grateful for your vulnerability and I’m grateful to be sharing this space with y’all.
Q13
A brand of underwear I like a lot is Roanhorse (website is roanhorse.life), which full disclosure is run by my friend. He is a very short and small guy so his sizing includes smaller options than a lot of menswear
I have a generous ass on a small frame, and I love the way they fit on me!
Hey Q1, congrats on your new addition! I am coincidentally also due in June, also with a presumed boy based on the penis we saw on an ultrasound. My husband is a man of trans experience so we’re looking to do “gender-expansive” or “gender-inclusive” parenting. We’ve actually been leaning away from the idea of gender-neutral, because we want him to be able to see all of his options – gender won’t be a non-presence in his life, but we don’t want it to feel like a limit or something that’s not related to how he actually feels. Mostly we want to do two things – make sure he gets a good look at all the possible options he has, and also make sure that we are educated on ways that boys (especially brown boys, since our kid will be indian/chinese) often experience the world around them.
That element is a big part of our approach – as much as we want to make sure we raise him to be his authentic and joyful self, we also want to make sure that we prepare him for how he may be treated by the world if he identifies as a brown boy and later a brown man. On a related note – I know it’s not neutral per se, but you may want to check out the book Boys by Rachel Giese – my husband thought it was a really thoughtful take by a queer woman on raising a boy.
For the questions wondering about reductions vs. top surgery– I just had a gender affirming reduction! Happy to answer individual questions that people have, but the main things that steered me were:
1) flexibility in terms of looks
2) my insurance covered gender affirming procedures with just informed consent and the surgeon I chose to go with has a lot of experience with reductions even though he works at/bills as gender affirming, whereas if I had it covered as a reduction for back pain I’d have had to prove I tried PT, etc
3) preserving sensation (I told my surgeon to go as small as possible without FNG)
4) knowledge that I could go back in for a revision/further reduction at a later point if I wanted to (my surgeon also said that this could allow my nerves to regrow some and make going smaller while preserving sensation possible later)
Nico’s recommendation about r/reduction is spot on and I definitely used those threads! I also can’t recommend enough talking to surgeons if at all feasible for you– you don’t really know what’s possible with your specific anatomy until you talk to the expert, and you’re not signing a contract to go under the knife just with a consult. I’m a little more than 3 weeks out from surgery and already so so happy with my results!
nico, you got it so right (asker of Q9 here): it does feel like i’m going too slow! i wish i could fast forward to a point where my identity is more formed than it is now bc when it comes to the hard stuff like this, i don’t enjoy the Process. but i think i’m also still learning that sometimes the process is the point. also also your comment about consuming more nb/trans media made me smile bc the only ~resolution i made at the beginning of the year was that i only wanted to read books centering queer characters/written by queer authors/both. i’m in the middle of lakelore by anna-marie mclemore right now and there have been parts that hit that special “am i giddy or does this hurt” pang of knowing in my chest. thank you so much for your insight!
<3 car thank you so much for this comment! I'm so delighted by your new year's resolution, too!! <3 Yes, the process can definitely be ongoing and I think one of the hardest parts can be recognizing that you'll get to where you're going when you do. But aren't some of the most memorable parts of road trips the drive, seeing the sites along the way? Sending you so much love!
Q13: I’m 5’3” and bought the Both And Marlo pants—they are way too tight, stiff, and rigid for me. They look great, but I can’t have them on for more than a minute :(
But their shorts look a lot roomier. Not sure about the return process.
For shorts that fit my short AFAB body, I tend to have the most luck at TJ Maxx where the men’s section occasionally has the perfect pair or two that works for me—shorter than most of the pairs, tapered a bit in the leg, and flexible fabric or a perfect fit. Over the years I’ve collected a handful that I like.
Q5
What I would do in your place is set aside some time for daydreaming, and have a journal (or whatever your preferred method of note taking is) and just think of things you want to embody
Like “hmmmm I like glitter. What if I had a glittery cowboy hat? What would go with that? Maybe work jeans with my strap on over the top, and topless”
And just think through various character designs and write down ntes about them
Then later you can read through the options you came up with, and prioritize them, and make dates with people and say that for the scene you’ll be aglittery cowboy, or whatever you chose
Q13
A brand of underwear I like a lot is Roanhorse (website is roanhorse.life), which full disclosure is run by my friend. He is a very short and small guy so his sizing includes smaller options than a lot of menswear
I have a generous ass on a small frame, and I love the way they fit on me!
In terms of non-binary chest reductions, I had one a year and a half ago and I’m mostly happy with the results, though there are some issues. I was my surgeon’s very first non-binary or trans patient, and she didn’t reduce my chest as much as I would have liked, plus I’ve gained some weight over the past year so my chest parts have grown a bit. *However,* they’re still smaller than they used to be in proportion to the rest of me, and because of the way she reshaped my chest parts, I now see them as just particularly prominent pecs.
I’m a lot more comfortable with my body now and feel more confident during times that I’m naked with other people. My gender presentation generally confuses people a ton, and they’re just as likely to think I’m a man as a woman (sometimes more so). Sometimes that’s scary, but it can also bring gender euphoria. I think I probably have a lot more sensation than if I’d had full top surgery, and in fact my nipples are even more sensitive now. I occasionally ponder whether I should have gone completely flat and sometimes I’m wistful for that, but I also really enjoy the flexibility of what I have now.
Q18 it is possible (waiting lists aside) to get top surgery as a nonbinary person the uk (I did it last year privately on insurance). Iirc the guidelines don’t make a distinction between binary and nonbinary dysphoria/incongruence.
Adding my size-specific TomboyX experiences to shea’s answer to Q25!
I’m 5’6″ and fluctuate between 190-210 lbs, I think I’m probably small fat, and a lot of my weight is in the area covered by my underwear. My hips are currently around 45″ and I wear TomboyX in XL.
* briefs – these work fine, but for me, they don’t feel noticeably better than the cheap underwear I’d buy from the women’s section at a department store, so I don’t shell out for these with TomboyX.
* boy shorts – my favorite fit! These feel good at the waistband, cover my butt well, and give me a bit of masc gender euphoria. The styles with two vertical seams (like lines that point down the middle of each thigh) make my stomach rolls feel less visually prominent. Most boy shorts have this stitching but not every single one.
* 4.5″ trunks – unfortunately a nightmare for me. They pinch in right where my thighs have a lot of bulk, so they always roll up. I don’t think this would be solved by sizing up, since I had this problem even when I was smaller.
* 6″ boxer briefs – haven’t tried these, but I suspect I’d have the same problems as the 4.5″ trunks.
* 9″ boxer briefs – these cover my legs really well. They protect my thighs from chafing when I’m wearing skirts, much like wearing bike shorts, and they don’t ride up at all. They feel a bit warm and bulky under pants though.
For Q2, I personally found it helpful to set boundaries with my family around medical transition. My biggest one was that I didn’t want to hear any of their concerns; I asked them to trust that I was a thoughtful person who had put come to this decision intentionally and in an informed way so any concerns they might have I’ve either already thought about or deemed were not of concern to me. I also asked that before they came to me with questions, they had read the resources I had given them and that they were respectful of my bodily privacy (I suggested they ask themselves, “would this question feel invasive if I were asking a cis person?”). Also love Nico’s idea of offering to be available for questions for a certain period of time. Just wanted to share my experience in case it’s helpful in any way!
I appreciate the mention how misandry is v white feminism and counterproductive to intersectionality. I totally understand being fearful of men due to trauma and taking precautions because we live under a patriarchy but people who take this simplistic approach of becoming unironically hateful towards all men seem to end up showing themselves as terfy or racist eventually.