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Welcome to the 79^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! Next month’s theme is going to be TRAVEL AND ROAD TRIPS AND CAMPING. Do you need…safety tips? Are you planning a trip and you want to know if anyone else has been to a certain destination and has recommendations? Do you want to talk about camping equipment? This is near and dear to my heart as someone who often loves visiting various places in the US but who also looks, even alone, when minding my own business, “visibly” queer and who therefore wonders about my safety sometimes (all the times). Anyway, let’s talk about it! Get those questions in by April 10th!

The general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, where we take questions on practically any topic, publish on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

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Q1:

I don’t think I will ever forgive my ex. Being abused by someone you love and trust, who owes you a duty of care, is very damaging. Cheating isn’t great but I don’t think that was the dealbreaker – the abuse was. We hear a lot about survivors forgiving their abusers and healing as a result. Is it really that straightforward? Why do we have to forgive our abusers in order to feel better? I am interested in hearing the perspectives of the A Team on forgiving one’s abuser. Thank you!

A:

Darcy: I’m sorry this happened to you! We touched on this in the Forgiveness and Accountability inbox, which you should check out if you haven’t yet, but it always bears repeating: you don’t owe your abuser anything. As far as your own healing goes, I believe that forgiveness is only important if it’s important to you. It also means different things to different people! I have people in my life who have hurt me, and there are other people who have hurt me that I can no longer have in my life. “Forgiveness” isn’t a super useful concept for me; instead, I focus on my current life and boundaries. How do I feel in my body if I still interact with that person? Is their presence in my life a net gain? Am I able to set the boundaries I need to set?

Even outside of whether or not that person is still in my life, the concept of “forgiveness” that I have feels very abstracted from my experience, and honestly very much tied up with Christianity. I don’t move forward with grudges, per se, but I do move forward with information about that person that will inform my boundaries and behaviors, and probably how I move through the world.

That ability to move forward, of course, is important; if a great deal of time has passed, and you still spend a lot of your day consumed with thoughts of your ex and their actions, then there’s definitely more healing to be done. Whether part of that healing looks like forgiveness is totally up to you.

Nico: I think that with abusers, forgiveness can be kind of impossible, but distancing ourselves and healing is. I recommend focusing on you, on therapy, on reading books and articles that might help you understand your experience and help you untangle the mental mess that we can be left with after abuse. I feel like, the most I want from my past abuser is to be forgotten by them. I want them to never ever think of me again, and that means absolutely not engaging. When I think about the fact that maybe they’ve forgotten about me (the axe does not remember the tree, etc.) that provides me a sense of safety and comfort, even if I can’t forget.

Q2:

Any advice for dating a woman who has only dated men? I was someone’s first girlfriend several years ago and feel like I could have handled it better. I am dating someone who is newly out and I am excited to see where it goes and would love some advice, particularly around how to make sure she is comfortable, how to not take on the entire burden of teaching queer culture and sex 101, how to not worry that she will want other experiences if we become exclusive and monogamous, etc. Thank you!

A:

Darcy: Thanks for this question! I first dated a woman when I was 30, when I was newly out, and I’m so glad you’re thinking of ways to make your partner comfortable! That said, I think that in many ways, it should be just like if you were dating anybody else. My guess is that you won’t need to teach this person about the basics of queer culture or queer sex — those are things she probably already understands to some degree, and the rest of that journey is mostly hers to navigate. If she does ask you a lot of questions, you can feel free to refer her to Autostraddle, Crash Pad and other resources, and of course you should feel free to talk about and share your own experiences, just like anyone might do in a new relationship! And sex between two new people is always a journey for BOTH parties, I think — she’ll be getting to know what she likes with you, you’ll be getting to know what you like with her, and that’s a really fun journey you can navigate together! But there should be no “burdens of education” here. Just two people learning and growing, sometimes separately, sometimes together!

Sa’iyda: Everything Darcy said is correct! As someone who came out in her early 30s and had only previously dated men, there was a lot of research about queer life I did on my own beforehand (thanks Autostraddle!) so I never felt like I needed my dates to teach or explain things to me. I think one of the biggest things is to be patient, because this is a whole new world for the person you’re dating. There is so much she’s figuring out, and it can be daunting sometimes to be with someone who seems to know everything already.

Also, don’t minimize or feel wary of her experiences with men. When dating histories come up, it can be jarring to hear, but from my experience, I felt a lot more at ease when the woman I was dating didn’t seem phased by me talking about an ex-boyfriend or a sexual experience I had with a man. Above all else, just take it slow and see where life takes you! That’s the most fun part of dating someone, the discovery!

Q3:

Since November, I’ve been getting closer to a new friend while also finalizing a divorce. For context: I’m bi, divorcing a cis-het man, and the new friend in question is a queer woman. I already have to resist having a crush on this person and it’s only made harder by how flirty and warm she is.

When we first started hanging out, she told me she wasn’t interested in pursuing anything romantic “right now” because it seemed to be “headed in that direction.” We both emphasized not wanting anything to be weird in favor of friendship, and I appreciated how forthcoming she was. However, as we’ve grown closer as friends I feel like I’m still receiving some mixed signals: lots of eye contact, allusions to conversations yet to be had, suggestions of things we should do, a marked difference in how we share space with each other compared to everyone else (maybe tension, maybe me just being incredibly awkward), but also references to girls she’s dated in the past or former crushes/lamenting the hopelessness of dating. It only drives me a lot bit bonkers.

Am I reading too much into November’s “right now”/am I delusional for thinking that my divorce is the problem? Do I tell this friend how I feel and prepare for more heartbreak for the sake of resolution and dignity, or do I keep building this friendship because I sincerely enjoy her company though I may actually be besotted?

A:

Valerie Anne: The way I see it, she set her boundary about not wanting to pursue something romantic, and that boundary is hers to lift again, so telling her how you feel wouldn’t be the move here. If you’re worried the fact that you’re in the middle of your divorce is what’s holding her back from lifting that boundary – or that maybe she only even put down that boundary to give you space during this divorce – you could try to find ways to let her know that door is open without explicitly inviting her through that door, like mentioning if/when you’re ready to start dating again. You say you’re getting mixed signals, but the truth is it’s possible your own crush is just misinterpreting things, as crushes are wont to do; I say this as someone who has been told before that I was flirting or sending “very obvious” signals that I thought was just me being nice or friendly. As some time passes and she doesn’t bring it up again, if your feelings get overwhelming to the point where you feel like you can’t be a genuine friend to her anymore, that it’s consuming your entire perception of her and your time together, then maybe you do tell her your feelings, but here’s the caveat: tell her your feelings without any expectations. Don’t bring up November’s “right now” or the signals you think you received. Just focus how YOU feel and what YOU want. And be prepared for that to irrevocably change your friendship; hopefully for the better, but potentially not. I hope you find a way to be what each other needs, whether that’s as friends or something more.

Q4:

I’m a teacher in a state working on passing a really horrifying ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill of their own. I just don’t know how to manage my mental health anymore in such a stressful job, and now throwing this on top of it. I already have colleagues, students, and parents who are really homophobic and I really don’t know how to handle that being legally allowed. Do I just quit?? Give up?? How do we stop from feeling so overwhelmed with all of This all the time??

A:

Stef Rubino: Fellow teacher, I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with this right now, as well. I’m from Florida (I teach in South Florida, specifically), so I’ve had to actually contend with your exact questions in a really big way. I’m going to keep it real with you because I think you deserve that. As you pointed out, teaching is a difficult and often thankless job. Many of us feel compelled to do it because at the end of the day, we value the relationships we build with young people and we value watching them grow and change over time. Many of us find a lot of joy in the work we do as teachers. Many of us are actually changing lives every single day. But it is also just what I said: it’s a job. And I don’t think you should be doing any job that threatens the quality of your life outside of that job. If you’re already struggling, then I would definitely reconsider the work you’re doing and want to do. However, I will also say that IF you’re capable and you feel like you can take the battles on, then you should stay and do that. You don’t owe anyone your sanity, that’s for sure, but we do owe our communities our best efforts and I think that if you think you can stick it out a little longer to help your community realize that they need to change, then I think you should. There’s a lot of ways to manage your mental health when you’re doing community work — such as seeing a therapist, spending extended time with people you love, working out, doing creative projects that make you happy, sleeping extra on the weekends, eating foods that make you feel good, RESTING as much as you can, etc. — and perhaps those are some habits that you can weave into your weekly routines that will help you feel prepared to fight. And I guarantee you there are lots of people in your community who are already fighting or want to fight with you. Getting tapped into those groups and building relationships with them will also make you stronger and more capable of pushing back against what might be expected of you soon. Fighting against this system isn’t a one person job, so you need to reach out to other people doing this work and work with them. I say all that and mean it but I want to be clear about something I said in the beginning: you simply don’t have to if you can’t. It’s not your duty to give up so much of yourself to something that isn’t giving you back what you need. Being overwhelmed is a result of feeling powerless but you actually DO have a lot of power. You have the power to decide how you’ll handle this. You can stay and fight directly or you can leave and fight in other ways. Both of these are completely rational responses to what you’re dealing with.

shea: To answer your question, frankly – Yes. If you have the means to do so and you are not able to manage your mental health and teaching – QUIT ASAP. Your health and wellness is more important in this very moment. I’m saying this as a classroom teacher who had to leave mid-year due to stress-induced health problems. I’m also saying this as the partner of a teacher who has struggled so much throughout the pandemic (and before). I know there’s this stigma associated with quitting mid-year. I know that a lot of us “do it for the kids,” but we can’t do anything for the kids if we end up losing ourselves (or our lives) because of the job. I’ve watched teachers crumble under the pressure and turn into shells of themselves and when we’re are in that state, I just don’t think we can be our best for kids. Should we continue to fight and show up for a movement toward something better? Sure, but that doesn’t mean we have to sacrifice our bodies or souls for the cause every day. It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to give up on this if you need to work on just taking care. Whatever you do, please, please take care.

Q5:

Hey,

So I got out of a really bad relationship last year that involved a lot of emotional and narcissistic abuse. During the last month my ex was cheating on me with the woman they are now dating. We go to the same university and have an overlapping friend group. Recently I’ve noticed that the woman they are dating now is showing the same physical signs of the abuse that I did. I want desperately to reach out, let this woman know she isn’t alone, that there was women before me and I was before her. But I don’t want to be that crazy ex, and maybe I’m projecting? Her friend group doesn’t quite overlap with mine to the point I could ask her friends, and my mutual friends with my ex have pretty much completely cut me off (they are very charming so I have no doubt I was labelled “crazy clingly ex”, and I know for a fact they told people we broke up a month before we actually did). It’s a shitty situation, I am still very much healing from everything they put me through, and I know I’m supposed to be focusing on myself right now. But I just wish someone had reached out to me when I went through it.

Thoughts?

Thanks in advance

A:

Shelli: This is heavy. I’m sorry you went thru what you did and am wishing you all the healing in the world. I know that you are healing and are focusing on yourself, which is lovely and great and a very smart move on your part. Helping yourself before you can help others is something I know folks say, but I’m wondering if in this instance you can help someone while you are helping yourself? I think that you should try your damndest to not give a fuck about looking like “The Crazy Ex” because you aren’t. If you do this, you will be “The Person Who Reached Out To Someone Because It Seems Like The Exact Same Thing Is Going On That Was Happening To Me”.

If you do decide to move forward with this, I think that perhaps what you could do is go old school and write her a letter. You can even bring up that you are nervous about reaching out because you’re worried about how folks will see you but the more important thing is that you are a bit worried. You may have to tread lightly ‘cos she may not be ready to admit there is abuse, she could be worried about what her partner would say if she sees it, or there very well could be nothing going on.

Just talk from your own perspective and keep it kinda short. Be very “This thing happened to ME, I had this going on, I felt like this” that way you are making it so she doesn’t feel attacked but that you just are sharing your experience. Then at the end – if you’re comfortable – leave your number and tell her she can reach out to you if something is going on.

Now — this doesn’t mean that you are offering her a solve, or that you are offering to be her shoulder to lean on because let’s face it, this is the person that your ex was cheating on you with and you don’t have to hold all this space for her because she was part of your hurt. But perhaps be prepared to send her a helpline number, and ask her if she would be okay with you reaching out to one of her friends that she trusts to let them know whats going on and allow them to take it from there and after you do that excuse yourself from the situation. Let her know that you just wanted to give her a helping hand to get out but I wouldn’t make yourself her fully point person.

So just be prepared with that number, be prepared with that friend, and be prepared that if you do this there is a chance your ex could reach out to you or that your friend group (old and new) may talk shit about you. But YOU know that YOU are coming from a place of kindness and that is what matters.

But weigh out all the factors you know and if in the end you decide that you aren’t in a space to reach out, don’t feel bad about yourself. It’s okay. This is a different kind of situation and you are not a bad person if you don’t, you aren’t meant to help folks to the detriment of your own health in any way.

Sending you the best vibes.

Nico: Here to say that Shelli’s advice is so spot on and incredible. I also just wanted to add that being framed as “the crazy ex” or even “crazy partner” is part of finding yourself dating an abuser. It’s also really difficult to fight that perception, so my advice, if you choose to reach out, is to accept that your ex will continue to label you this way and has likely already undergone a disinformation campaign about you. In other words, I think what I’m trying to get at is that probably the damage is already done with this, and they have probably already complained about you and I would just try not to worry about things that are not true. Also, this is NOT what you asked, but I can’t recommend also making friends outside of these overlapping groups enough. It can be healing and helpful to expand your social circle to people who never knew your ex. Sending you all the love. It’s really big of you to want to reach out to this person, and I just want you to know I’m proud of you! You’re gonna get through it!

Q6:

Hi wonderful people!

I’m looking for advice on some anxiety/confusion I’ve been having about my sexuality and labeling (what a classic question, I know).

I realized I was queer when I was 19 (six years ago), and I’ve identified as bisexual since then. Over the last few months, I’ve been wondering if maybe I’m a lesbian. I haven’t felt attracted to any men in real life since I came out (my non-real-life exception here is the occasional male celebrity). My attraction to men pre-coming-out feels a little artificial now because it was paired with denial of my queerness, but I don’t think it was entirely false either.

I’ve been feeling a really strong urge to have a concrete answer for myself, and also confused and a bit frustrated with myself for feeling that way. I wish I felt more okay with the uncertainty, and could see it as fluidity, but for whatever reason I’ve been wanting to find a definitive answer–even though I don’t know if that actually exists.

I know I’m overthinking it, and I wish I felt comfortable with the reality that I’m somewhere on the Kinsey scale that’s more gay than not without needing something more specific, but I also don’t want to deny that I’m longing for a label.

I spend more time obsessing over this than I should, and I’d love any thoughts on how to cope with not feeling certain about a label when labels have been really important for me in my queer journey.
Thank you for reading! Y’all are the best!!

A:

Casey: Hi friend! As someone whose labels, attractions, and feelings have been uncertain and have changed somewhat in my lifetime, I really feel you on this! Last year I read a really wonderful book called People Change by Vivek Shraya, which your question immediately reminded me of. She writes about how uncomfortable we’ve been taught to feel with uncertainty, particularly around gender and sexual identities and about her journey to looking at change within herself from a new angle, feeling positive about reinvention and multiple selves. I’d recommend giving it a look. It’s a short book too, easily read in one day! Here are a couple quotes:

“There’s nothing more frightening than fluidity. At some point when the individual ‘chooses’ an identity in defiance (even rejecting identities is a kind of identity), we’re then gaslit through arguments for the need to eradicate labels because ‘we’re all human.'”

“even in queer communities there’s pressure to deny bisexual attraction, or rather, bisexuality is commonly read as still being in the closet… how often do we embrace the narrative of a true self because it’s expected of us? No one advises you to ‘be yourselves.'”

But back to your specific question. My take on bisexual identity is that while it includes attraction to two or more genders, men (particularly cis men) do not have to be one of the genders you are attracted to! So if it feels intriguing or comfortable, think about how the label bisexual might continue to fit you in a different way that it fit you before. I also think that a lot of bi+ people’s experiences include variations on what genders they are attracted to, in what ways (romantic, sexual, or otherwise), throughout their lives. So you might be experiencing some fluctuation in your attraction that might change again in the future, all under a bisexual umbrella.

This isn’t to say lesbian is not also a great label! And historically and in contemporary settings I think the label lesbian also has some fluidity. Some people identify as nonbinary lesbians today! In the mid 20th century some femmes who dated butches – who didn’t necessarily identify as women – identified as lesbian. I say if lesbian feels right to you right now, there’s absolutely no reason not to call yourself that. Your label today doesn’t have to match all your previous attractions and behaviour! And there is nothing wrong with deciding in 10 years or whenever that you want to use a different label or go back to bi! Like Vivek Shraya says: people change! Just because you decide on lesbian today doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it.

OR: maybe queer is the best fit for you right now, with its inherent slipperiness and fluidity. You could ride out just using queer for a while and see how that feels.

Good luck! 💜

Q7:

Hi! So, I am facing a big life transition later this year. I am finishing my graduate program and job hunting, and it looks like I have a really good job on the horizon. Overall, the job itself is a great fit for my career path, it will have me move states to be near a fantastic support system in a city I love, and will reconnect me to a lot of my queer community. I’m very excited! But I also definitely feel some mourning to be moving from a place that has been my home for many years and feeling a lot of what I can only describe as “pre-nostalgia” for leaving. I have done a massive amount of personal and professional growth here and really come into my own in a lot of ways. It was my first very own apartment, my first city that I discovered on my own and kind of made “mine.” It’s overall very bittersweet. I wondered if maybe any of you had any sort of rituals or things that you did when moving on from a very meaningful chapter of life to help bring closure and acknowledge how a place (whether it’s state, city, your apartment, anything!) served you. Thanks very much!

A:

shea First of all, congrats on graduating and transitioning to a new phase! It is totally normal to mourn the life you have lived as you are beginning to shift. I have moved a lot in the past seven years or so – four state states in seven years, in fact. Each time, I’ve left an apartment or community (even if I didn’t enjoy it a ton), I found myself mourning the space and people that I’d come to know as home. My biggest ritual I engage in is simply the act of sitting in it – my sadness, the anticipation of the next phase, all of the work I put in to make this place feel like home, my regrets about the things I didn’t do (and the things I did and will miss). Sometimes, I even think about the annoyances that I’ll miss because they have become “just life.” I write a goodbye letter to the place as a friend. I make a bucket list of the things I would love to do before leaving the place. I do those things. I see the people I loved and who loved me. I pack the shit. I get rid of shit. I meet new people I might have liked while I’m getting rid of shit. I cry a lot. I look toward the future and get excited. I make a playlist for the transition: Think breakup but also new bae. I look through photos and promise myself I’ll frame one I love that reminds me of the old place in the new place. I almost never do this. Either way, I still find ways to thank the space/place for holding me in all the ways it did while I was there.

Ro: I love shea’s advice — sitting with your sadness, making a playlist for your Big Life Transition, and making a bucket list of activities in your current city all sound like smart, healing ways to get through this time. I have just one thing to add:

In addition to the bucket list shea described, you can also make a second bucket list of activities in your new city to get pumped up for your move! Does your new city have a museum, restaurant, or gayborhood you’d love to check out? Is there a local roller derby team you want to join or a volunteer opportunity you’d love to take on? Write ‘em all down and get excited for the new experiences you’re about to have.

Q8:

Y’all have a list of queer Oracle or Inspiration decks? I don’t like classic tarot suits or imagery and am not spiritual. For reference: my first and favorite deck + guidebook is The Spacious Tarot. Just looking to add variety :)

A:

Nico: No one could answer this and I don’t use Oracle or Inspiration decks, but you know who I bet DOES — someone reading this. If anyone has any recommendations, will you leave them in the comments?

Q9:

hi! how do you deal with the loss of touch to reality that comes with anxiety? I have worked a lot on this anxiety witht my therapist already, and thankfully havent been anxious in a long time but lately it has come back with a vengeance, I think it’s because I have found new friends who are sort of related to my special interests which is wonderful but I am autistic and I think I might have some trauma related to people being annoyed with me and me not realizing until it was too late, especially when it comes to talking about my special interests. I once was friends with someone for a year before they told me they found me boring. I am just so scared of being rejected and being “too much” and annoying and also of reducing our friendship to the special interest that connects me to them. I am scared of losing that and also I don’t feel safe enough yet to actually openly communicating that fear as I do with one other friend because I have realized that neurotypical people often feel pressured and don’t tell the truth about how they feel when you express anxiety around potentially being annoying to them. but I really feel like I need an honest feedback so I know if my anxiety is justified/tied in any way to reality or just paranoia. I really don’t trust my perception but I am also scared of just dismissing it as anxiety in case I am actually being annoying/too much. I don’t want to smother my friends with my love and enthusiasm for them and I recently have felt like they’re subtly retreating/communicating theyre not as excited about me. I dont know what to do.

A:

A.Tony: I get the fear that people, neurotypical people especially, just aren’t being honest about how they feel about their friends. First, I want to say that friend that told you after a year that they found you boring, them waiting that long to say that, and even figuring that’s something that needed to be said to you, is on them. There’s this phrase I’ve been seeing a lot that I’d like you to consider applying to both that experience and ones going forward: “If I’m too much, they can go find less.”

Of course, this is much easier said than done, but what I want to emphasize here is that how you are, is not a bad thing. Being autistic in a world that caters to neurotypical people is difficult and it’s hard to navigate and understand and it is not bad that you struggle with this (I struggle with this too). I want to remind you that, in these friendships, all the work does not fall on you. If they feel annoyed, that is on them to say something. You are more than free to ask if you feel you can handle whatever answer may come and you feel that may lessen your anxiety, but checking in on every interaction you may have is way too much pressure on you (and might be a little bit of where the anxiety is coming from) and is just not fair to you at all.

About the loss of reality part. I think, if you can, it’s good to sit down and write the facts you know and carry that with you (ex: I know I am this height, I know I bounce my leg when anxious, I know that the mail comes at this time on Fridays→ these seem innocuous but sometimes when you doubt yourself, reminding yourself that you do know certain things can help you have better faith in yourself that you can discern the truth in bigger situations). Then write the facts your anxiety tells you that are true and when possible, write a fact that negates what your anxiety tells you. What I mean is, for a very long time, I thought that a lot of my friends hated me and I kept this journal of pretty much every nice thing they ever wrote/texted/messaged me so that when I was like “such and such must find me so annoying”, I could flip to a page in that journal and see that even if I am annoying in that particular moment, they do not see that as the totality of me and they still care about me as a person. And that’s another thing it’s taken me a long time to get to: even if, in that moment, they are annoyed, that doesn’t make you disposable. Annoying isn’t a word that you have to carry around as a definition of you. If some people are not a fan of being around you, that’s their business. It is our responsibility to find the people who are a fan of you and to foster those relationships.

Also! In a similar boat that a lot of my new friends have been found because of a special interest. To this I say, it could be worthwhile to sit down and write out what you enjoy about each person outside this special interest. Like, if one day, they decide this isn’t something they want to do/be anymore, do you feel there are other things about them that you would want to learn more about/stay close to? When our communal interest kind of fell out, there were some that I wasn’t friends with anymore and honestly it’s because when I stripped away that one thing we had in common, I couldn’t see a healthy relationship between us happening anymore. There is a little bit of, maybe you want to prepare yourself, for the possibility of a loss like that but I want to remind you, it’s not because you are unworthy of friendship, or too much. It’s because it wasn’t a good fit. And that is not a terrible thing.

It got away from me but here are actionable steps:

1. If you want to ask your friends if they are annoyed by something you’ve done or do: let them know ahead of time that you want to ask them a question and if they need a day or two to think about it, you won’t pressure them but an answer would be really helpful in bettering your relationship with them
2. For anxiety: Have concrete things you can look to to remind yourself that you can trust yourself (keep a small note on hand/write them in your phone) and that there is room to grow and you can take the steps necessary to do that at any time, that relationships are a growing changing thing and you can grow and change (while staying true to yourself) too
3. Practice what you want to say to your friends
4. Give yourself something to do to distract you if they ask for time before answering
5. Give yourself something good regardless of their answer so you can remember that you took care of what yourself and asked for what you needed

Remember: Your perception of the world is not a bad thing. Just because you don’t view everything through a neurotypical lens doesn’t mean that the way you see things is wrong. You are not responsible for mind-reading in a relationship and it is okay to ask for what you need. People annoy each other, it is not a bad thing and happens in friendships a lot. That doesn’t mean that you, or anyone, who annoys someone is disposable. You are allowed and encouraged to surround yourself with people who will make you feel loved even if you fear you’re annoying them.

Q10:

How do I know when I’m ready to say “I love you” in a relationship? I feel lost because I don’t really know what that would mean to me OR to my partner. I’ve been in three previous relationships, all with people who told me they loved me before I was ready to say it back, and I eventually said it back to two of them. In other words, I’ve BEEN in two relationships with frequent “I love yous” and I’m still confused now. I really like my current partner, and I know she’s itching to say “I love you” and hasn’t because she knows I don’t want to have to be like “… thanks!” to a fourth person! How do I know whether I’m not ready to say “I love you” because I’m honestly honoring my real feelings, or if I just have avoidant attachment lol

A:

Nico: This is difficult for me because I personally can tell when I love someone or when I don’t or even when I’m developing feelings that will eventually be love. Do you feel like you’re on your way there, and this process takes longer for you than it has for other partners, or do you feel like you aren’t ever going to be “in love” with this person? I think there’s an important distinction there. If you feel like the feelings are going to be permanently uneven and this person is looking for love and you won’t get there, then I don’t think you should stay in that relationship. So, now, if you think that it’s just a longer road for you, that’s totally fine and okay, but I also think you can give a partner who says “I love you” more than just “thanks” in that situation! Can you be more detailed and real? Like: “That feels amazing to hear. I’m getting feelings for you, too, and I just want you to know that even though it might take me longer to say I love you, I’m really enjoying and appreciating the time we’re spending together and looking forward to more.” That’s just an example, but maybe you see what I mean? Maybe the situation will be less anxiety-inducing if you feel like you can offer a bit more when your partner says “I love you.” Wishing you tons of luck with navigating your feelings.

Q11:

A lighter question if you want to take it:
What’s a good way to pivot when the larger party you planned (10-15 people) ends up bein quite small (3-4 people)? I’m not really that upset by this – honestly even if everyone cancelled I’d still have the party by myself and have a good time – but I am a little at a loss at how to pivot my large vampire themed costume party with people invited who know at least one person but not everyone, to a party of just 3-4 where the guests only know the hosts and not each other (still vampire themed though)

It’ll be fun no matter what!

A:

Darcy: I love this question! I’m sure we’ll have lots of different suggestions for this one, but one thing that’s coming to mind is old-fashioned party games, like Musical Chairs and Pin the Tail (Fangs?) on the Vampire. You wouldn’t have to deploy them if everyone was breaking the ice naturally, or stick to a rigid schedule, but they might be fun ways to loosen your guests up and introduce them to each other!

Ro: I love that you’re having a vampire-themed party! In my experience, when it’s a smaller gathering, people tend to sit around and chat — which is a perfectly fine way to party! But if the vibe feels awkward or if you’re a high-energy group, then I agree with Darcy — having some activities planned can help you out. If traditional party games aren’t your style, here are some additional ideas for at-home activities:

• Bake a vampire-themed dessert together
• Create a fun backdrop for an at-home photo shoot in your vampire costumes
• Watch a vampire movie or an episode of your favorite vampire show

It’s also easier to plan an excursion with a smaller group, so if you want to spend part of your party at home and part of it out in the world, here are some excursion ideas:

• Visit your local cemetery
• Visit a haunted location in your area (I guess that’s more ghost-themed than vampire-themed, but some cities have their own vampire haunting legends!)
• Do a photoshoot in your vampire costumes at your local cemetery or in another spooky location

Q12:

For advice but also just discussion: what are graceful, smart and sensible ways to relate to adults younger than oneself and generally to handle the fact that such adults exist? I’ve been having kind of an extended youth, only partially through choice (bad luck with health/disability and good luck with class privilege have meant me spending a looong time as an undergrad, in two separate attempts). It’s weird for me that lots of people in skilled jobs are now a lot younger than me. When I was a full-time working person in my early 20s, colleagues in their 30s were a little unchill about my age, even though I was safely junior to them. I get it – it’s weird not to be the youngest person in the world who’s not a minor! But I don’t want to be weird, or delusional, especially when I try and belatedly start a ‘career’, in my early 30s. I’m fine with being junior to younger people with more experience, but I want us all to feel like we’re from the same planet.

A:

Darcy: Hey hi hello, I also took forever to finish my degree! That said, I’ve worked in office environments (in various fields) since I was 18, and I think you might be overthinking this one a bit. I also wonder if you’re maybe judging yourself a little for not finishing your degree earlier? Anyway, there are definitely fields with ageism and age-based dynamics baked in, but when it comes to a working environment with people in their twenties and in their thirties, unless you are a professional athlete, I don’t think there’s much of a difference! Like you say, we are all human beans, just doing our best, and like Steve Miller Band says, time keeps on slippin’ slippin’ slippin’ into the future. The older I get, the more I realize that age, while not “just a number,” means a great deal less than I thought it did when I was young!

Everyone in the scenario you’re describing is grown-up, so find the people you gel with, enjoy their company and friendship, and treat everyone else with professional respect! I have had dear friends, a lot of whom I met at work, hailing from many different seasons of life; we didn’t share our birth years in common, but we shared a lot of other more important values, hobbies, and ways of relating to the world and one another. Good luck out there!

Q13:

Hi! I was born and raised in a very rural area. There is so much space between where I live and other people that I have literally gone weeks without seeing other people than my small family (except like at work or when grocery shopping.) I will soon be moving to a much more populated city, probably living with roommates due to high rent costs, and having to see people on a daily basis. all that. both my desired career path and my hatred of isolation require me to get out there in the world, but because of my upbringing, I also tend to have major social anxiety. There will be times when I have no idea what to say to people and I freak the hell out and say the most ridiculous things. (i know nobody cares but it’s so embarrassing!) Also probably doesn’t help that my only friends are the criterion channel and stuffed elephants.

Before I asked you guys how to make it until I’m out there in the world. But now I’m asking how I’m supposed to make it in the world when I have no idea how. I get intensely self-conscious and I feel like there is so much in my head! What are some ways I can prepare myself mentally for more daily human-to-human contact? How can I be less of an awkward introvert and not fear taking up space?

(Thanks in advance.)

A:

Ro: I feel the most socially awkward when I’m out of practice in the socializing department, and it sounds like you’re in the same boat. Fortunately, you’re entering into a situation where you’ll get lots of daily practice with social interaction, and the more you talk to people, the easier socializing will become! Of course, that means that some of your early interactions might feel a little uncomfortable — that’s okay! That’s part of practicing. No one nails a new skill right away, so be gentle with yourself if your initial attempts at socializing feel weird or forced.

To prepare for daily human-to-human contact, make sure you’re getting the amount of alone time you need. Spend time hanging out in your bedroom, go for a walk by yourself, find a bench at your local park where you can think, read, or journal — do whatever you need to do to squeeze in quiet, solo time and recharge your social battery on a regular basis.

Re: your last question (“How can I be less of an awkward introvert and not fear taking up space?”), here’s a quick reminder: There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. We all have different social needs, and if spending a lot of time alone helps you feel calm and happy, then do what helps you feel calm and happy! But it sounds like you’re wanting to get out of your comfort zone and experiment with more socializing, so here are a couple of tips:

1. Invite people to do things. You don’t have to wait around for a roommate or a coworker to initiate a hangout — and hanging out doesn’t have to involve lots of talking. If you have an activity to focus on — like cooking a meal together, taking a yoga class, or visiting a museum — there are lots of opportunities to talk about what you’re currently doing/seeing. That way, you won’t feel pressure to come up with a bunch of “getting to know you” icebreaker questions.

2. Say yes to invitations! This might sound obvious, but when you deal with social anxiety, it can be easy to panic and turn down opportunities to meet people. So practice saying yes! And remember that every invitation is a sign that someone wants to get to know you and spend time with you.

3. Attend group events. There are lots of MeetUp.com groups specifically for people who have recently moved to a new city. Hanging out with people who are also there with the intention of meeting new friends might ease your anxiety.

Good luck!

Q13:

After spending a few years single and overwhelmed by the idea of online dating, this past year I’ve been on 20 first dates (and a few up-to-fourth dates), and I definitely now feel skilled at and no longer afraid of online dating (matching, chatting, setting up a date, going on the date, following up as needed), but it feels like the process has as little to do with feelings and relationships as going grocery shopping does.

I’ve had a few short-term dating relationships with nice people in my 20s and fell head over heels for someone I was involved with in college so I know I’m capable of sexual and romantic attraction, and I’ve committed to no longer dating people I feel indifferent to, but how?? How does one get feelings for someone as an adult? I’ve read so many advice guides for online dating, but none explain how to make the feelings part happen or even feel possible in that format. I think I’m fundamentally missing something that is intuitive for other people.

As a broader question, as both I and my therapist think this difficulty relates to my probably-autism, how do autistic queer women and nb folks date?

[thanks so much! <3 tried my best to keep it short]

A:

Nico: First of all, congrats on getting out there and overcoming that overwhelm! Those skills will be useful, whether or not you continue. I think where I want to start here is asking what was different about the relationships in your 20’s? Were you together in-person because of circumstances that weren’t dating? (College, work, friend groups, something else?) Did having these activities as a buffer maybe help you get to know someone on a deeper level before you actually started flirting or dating or during? Was there tension or flirting before the dating actually started? What I’m trying to uncover is: are the circumstances completely different? Because, honestly, I think that online dating doesn’t work for a lot of people for this reason! My relationships, personally, have only come from meeting people due to in-person circumstances. And when I was on the apps, it was just okay. So, I also think that if this is the case, it’s okay to say that maybe this kind of dating doesn’t work for you, and to instead maybe focus on finding ways to meet people IRL through shared interest groups (sports leagues, clubs, meetups, even virtual discords related to what-have-you), if that makes sense. The thing about shared friend or interest groups, is that they give you a starting-off-point of compatability that a dating app doesn’t because it’s a pool of a ton of different people.

I also think a first date isn’t usually sexy. They can be awkward! Like, I think that, if the experience isn’t working that there isn’t like, something deeper to unlock. What is sexy to me is watching someone engaged with something that they’re passionate about. Seeing someone in their context as a person provides so much information that a date, say, at like a restaurant or something, does not. Being in a 1:1 date situation that is kind of performative, it’s more difficult, in a lot of ways, I think, to see the essence of a person. Very few people are “being themselves” on a first date, but MOST of a relationship is not being on “a date” so I don’t know — now I’m spiralling and thinking that traditional “dating” is actually not useful to me at all as a person haha so maybe the same is true for you. You can’t force feelings and that’s totally okay if they aren’t happening on their own. If anyone else has thoughts, I’d love to hear from y’all in the comments!

Q14:

How do I productively get cis lesbians to interrogate their transphobia? A few cis dykes in their 50s were talking to me this weekend about how great the Michigan Womyn’s Festival was, and how the no-trans-woman policy was all about making women feel ‘safe’ and how ‘we’ (referring to both me and them) couldn’t understand the difficult experiences of lesbians of older generations and how important ‘woman-only’ spaces were to them, and ….. aaaaaagh. I just froze up and didn’t know what to say, but would really like to have an idea of what I could say the next time I’m in a situation like that. Any advice?

A:

Shelli: These people seem transphobic and suck. So i wouldn’t worry about being in a situation with them again because my advice is to stop kicking it with them. Like – yes, I get that lesbians of an older generation were looking for community but it’s not like trans women were not around back then or something.

So this makes me feel like they rejected trans folks then, and they are rejecting trans folks now and are just trying to use this “safe” shit as a way to hide their transphobia.

Like, enough-e-fucking-nough.

I don’t think that we always need to spend time trying to teach people things. Sometimes people don’t know better because they simply don’t care. There are so many docs, books, essays, lectures, films and so much more out there that these folks could turn to learn and be better but they haven’t because they don’t want to.

IF THEY WANTED TO THEY WOULD.

So, your friends (if they are your friends) suck and I would say I am sad that i am telling you to leave behind some of your lesbian community because damn community is important — but I have no interest in being in community with folks who say that and have fake inclusivity by going to a festival that still thinks changing it to a “Y” is helpful and bought tickets to something that excludes trans women.

Darcy: Shelli, I am putting “if they wanted to, they would” in giant letters all over my bulletin board IMMEDIATELY.

Q15:

My family “accepts” my queerness. They have met my current partner (and exes) and they treat my partner well.

However, I still feel “othered” because they do not ask me about when I’m getting married or if I am thinking of having kids. We could be talking about that and it always feels like I am skipped over during that part of the conversation.

I have expressed that I felt weird not being part of conversations like that compared to other siblings and cousins. They said the reason is because they think I’m not the type of person who would want to settle down because I dated around a lot before.

It has been years and nothing has changed since I expressed my feelings. Should I just let it go? It clearly bothers me.

My partner and I have been together for years and live together – things are pretty serious. Regardless of what our plans are, I just don’t like being excluded like that. It feels like they think “oh, she’s gay, this won’t apply to her”.

A:

Heather: I am so sorry you’re having to navigate this truly unfair situation. Some of my family is similar, so I understand — at least — the shape of your hurt and frustration. I think maybe the hardest part about this kind of thing is how “innocent” it seems. Right? It’s not like they’re outright homophobic, and unaccepting, and ‘you’re going to hell,’ and ‘don’t bring your partners around here.’ So you can tell yourself it’s not that bad, or could be worse, etc. But! It’s very othering, and of course it’s hurtful, and extra painful that you’ve tried to broach this topic with them and they’re still doing it! If they fully accepted your queerness, if they thought of your relationships the same way they think of your siblings’ and cousins’ relationships, if they believed your feelings were valid when you said their behavior hurt you, they would change it — but they haven’t, and that sucks.

I don’t think you can let it go. You might be able to ignore it, and pretend everything’s fine, but that’s exactly what you’ll be doing: pretending. If you want to have a better, closer, happier relationship with your family, one way you could approach it is with consequences. I don’t mean storming in and being like, “Ask me about kids or you’ll never see me again!” I mean like, “I don’t feel as close to you/the family as I want to because I don’t feel like me and my relationships are fully accepted and respected. I’ve tried to talk to you about this before, but I feel like you kind of blew me off instead of really hearing how much you’re hurting me, so I just wanted to say again that I feel like you’re treating me and my partner differently, and I can feel it creating a gap between us that I fear will become an uncrossable canyon if we don’t do something about it. It would make me feel loved and seen and accepted if you’d do [specific things] the way you do [specific things for siblings and cousins]. I want us to be a close family! Do you think you can do that to make sure we stay close?”

In that way you’re reiterating your needs and feelings, and also letting them know that all behaviors have consequences, and if they don’t change theirs, it’s going to drive you even further away.

Sending you love and healing, my friend.

Q16:

I’ve been in my monogamous relationship for ten years, but that entire time I’ve constantly had intense crushes on other people (starting with the person I was still getting over when my partner and I got together). About once every year or two, I meet someone new and become obsessed with them, to the point where I joke with my friends about burning down my life and running away with my new crush. Nothing romantic or sexual has ever happened with these crushes (even if at times I wished it would), and I’ve never told my partner about my feelings because it seems unnecessarily hurtful. Is it symptomatic of relationship dissatisfaction to always be dreaming of someone else? Or is this just the shackles of monogamy combined with the monotony of a LTR vs. the rush of a new crush?

A:

Ashni: Oh, I can relate to this so hard!! To answer your immediate question, I don’t think it’s symptomatic of relationship dissatisfaction to have crushes on other people. Frankly, I love crushing on people — being in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean I don’t notice when other people are attractive. Having a crush on someone outside of your relationship doesn’t mean your current relationship isn’t serving you. Crushes are exciting! I know that monogamy means different things to different people, but if you’re not crossing relationship boundaries when you crush on others, then I say crush on!

I am curious, though — you say that at times, you’ve wanted something ~more~ to happen with your crushes, and you mention dreaming of someone else. Are you dreaming of someone outside of your partnership in a way that you don’t dream about your partner? That might be something to explore.

Q17:

CW: anti-fatness

My partner and I have been dating for almost a year. We are both straight-sized, and have both struggled with disordered eating in the past. I have done a lot of work trying to unlearn anti-fat bias and acknowledge my own thin privilege. While I still have negative thoughts about my body sometimes, I don’t say them out loud. My partner gained some weight over the past year, and they are really fixated on it. They don’t own a scale, so they ask me semi-frequently if I think that they have gained weight. I have told them several times that I don’t like being asked that, that I don’t care whether they have, and that I think that me answering feeds an insecurity. Typically, after I say that, they will back off for a week or so, and inevitably ask me again. They are now dieting, and mention once or twice a week that they are being “good” and how proud they are to have lost some weight. They have also been asking me for months why they haven’t met my friends yet. (For context, my partner is much older and doesn’t have friends nearby for me to meet.) Recently, they have started to ask if I am embarrassed of them, because of their age and their weight. I don’t think they believe me when I say no. My close friends/chosen family from college mean the world to me, and some of them self-identify as fat. I don’t want to bring someone around them who believes harmful things about fat people. My partner is really kind and open-minded, and has changed the way they think about other issues after a good discussion. Should I tell them that the reason I don’t want them to meet my friends yet is because of their beliefs?

A:

Vanessa: Yikes. There seem to be a few things happening all at once in this question that are related but not necessarily the same. I’ll try to address them one by one.

1. Your partner is clearly having a tough time with their own body. I don’t mean to be harsh, but I absolutely could not date someone who was dieting and telling me they were being “good” when restricting food and asking me to comment on their weight gain or weight loss. As someone who is fat and who has struggled with disordered eating in the past, this would just… not work for me. I am trying to have empathy for your partner, as obviously we don’t exist in a vacuum and I know society makes people feel bad about their bodies and encourages all of us to be as small as possible, but I am actually more concerned about you and your well being. How is your partner’s fixation on their weight and their food affecting you? You mention that you’ve both struggled with disordered eating. This would honestly trigger me a LOT and I’m wondering if you’ve taken time and space to check in with your self about how this is impacting you.

2. Just speaking for myself here, but yeah, I think you’re correct about not introducing your partner to your fat friends as they are right now. If a friend introduced me to their partner and the partner was talking about dieting, being “good,” etc, I would feel uncomfortable and disrespected and I would probably say something to that effect, lol. The thing is, because you haven’t told your partner your reasoning for being uncomfortable bringing them around your friends, they’ve made up a narrative in their head that feeds their insecurities about their body and their weight. What a mess!

3. In terms of actions to take, I think if you want to stay with your partner (which it sounds like you do) you have to get honest and have an open conversation right away. I would pick a time when you both feel at peace and at ease, and introduce the conversation like that — as a conversation, not as an accusation. I personally feel angry and frustrated at your partner for putting you in this position, but I’m not in your relationship. If you love them and want to see them grow, you may have to take a gentle approach. You know your partner better than me, so bring these issues up in a way that they will be most receptive. Like I said above, I think you have two issues: (a) the perception of their own body/their insistence of bringing you into their diet behavior and (b) their actual beliefs and how it will harm your friends. Once you two start talking and untangling some of these very intense issues, you can see if it’s possible to make progress together. Wishing you both the best, and really encouraging you to take care of yourself through this time. <3

Darcy: As a fat person with an ED past who still struggles with feelings around “trying to be good” at times, I feel slightly differently than Vanessa on this one! I do agree firmly with #3: you and your partner need to start having more open conversations about the harm that diet culture perpetuates, both at home and in the broader world. That said, I feel uneasy about the way you’ve decided to protect your proud fat or self-identifying fat friends from your partner’s internalized fatphobia. Internalized fatphobia is, obviously, baked into so much of our culture, and being able to get out from under it is a personal and complex journey. Part of that journey, for your partner, may include times where, in a new group of people, they say “no thanks to those fries, I’m trying to be good,” and someone says back to them, “oh, I don’t think that way” or “too bad, they’re delicious,” or “oof yeah that diet culture mindset is ROUGH.” Or even just, “what isn’t good about them?”

The more I see these conversations happen, the more important I think they are. As a fat person, I am going to meet people who are outwardly or internally fatphobic every time I meet new people. That’s the reality. Anything your partner says is not going to be the worst thing I’ve heard by a longshot, and you, as a straight-sized person, trying to keep those conversations from happening feels…off, to me. I also think it will be good for your partner to be introduced to a fat-friendly group of people, and to start to be able to exist in a fat-friendly space — especially at a time when they’re feeling uneasy about the ways their body has changed.

That said, I respect Vanessa’s thoughts 100%! Whatever you decide, I hope your partner is able to do some work that will help them move the needle on their thoughts about their body, and the shame they’ve been feeling. Sending care to you both!

Q18:

What are some of your favorite books to read before bed? I’m looking for something relaxing, not activating or stressful, soothing, and maybe can be a little boring so I fall asleep? (But not so boring that I don’t want to pick up the book 😅) Last year, I really enjoyed reading Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall-Kimmerer (not boring!!) before bed. Any recommendations in that vein would be so appreciated— more plant and animal reading to give my subconscious nice dream material to work with! 😴🌱

A:

Casey: Yay, a books question! For reads that are cozy and relaxing but interesting, I always think of Becky Chambers’ Monk and Robot books&lt, which are utopian science fiction novellas about a nonbinary monk character and their friendship with a sentient robot. There are two books so far, and both are like soothing balms for the soul. They’re about a troubled soul looking for peace and purpose. There is a lot of description about the natural world and of this beautiful abundant science fiction future where humans all have their needs met.

Other ideas:

Queer Ducks&lt by Eliot Schrefer
Everything Is Beautiful And I’m Not Afraid by Yao Xiao
How to Be a Good Creature by Sy Montgomery
Nature Obscura by Kelly Brenner

Q19:

Hi Autostraddle!
I matched with this girl on Hinge about a month ago, and things have been going really well! But we live in different countries so we haven’t been able to meet each other in person yet. Anyway, she just booked flights to come to my city for a week at the end of March which is really exciting! But I’m also worried. We are on the same page about all the important things, and we have already communicated that we are both very attracted to the other. However, I’m worried once she meets me she might not be attracted to me anymore? I’m worried that I’ll get overwhelmed by having another person staying with me for this long and she will see all of my cracks and the things that I struggle with. I’ve told her that the time she is coming may be busy for me at work and so I might not be able to spend every minute with her, and she has been very understanding, but I’m worried she will feel unvalued/neglected if I can’t give her my full attention for the short time we have together.

We have talked about all of these things. But I’d be keen to hear if any of you have experiences of meeting people after building a connection long distance or any advice for navigating this situation with a potential partner. Are there any safety considerations I should factor in too? The ideal outcome would be an exclusive relationship that we can maintain long distance until she moves to my city at the end of the year.

A:

Valerie Anne: I don’t have any specific experience with this, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but just reading your question I want to give you one piece of advice I’ve had to tell myself a lot: at some point, you just have to trust the other person is telling you the truth. If you’ve done all you can – which it sounds like you have, like communicating that you won’t be able to spend every minute with her – and she’s said she’s okay with it, you just have to trust that she’s telling you the truth on that. And if she isn’t, and she does end up getting annoyed you can’t spend every minute with her, despite having been warned about it, that is honestly a red flag you should consider; because that’s a slippery slope to go down. If she says she won’t be annoyed by something then blames you for the fact that she ends up being annoyed by it, she set you up to fail and that’s not fair. But hopefully she’s telling you the truth, and it will be just fine! And sure it’s intense to stay with someone, but if the kinds of “cracks” that are exposed after a week of staying together are enough to be a dealbreaker for her, she’s not the right person for you. And as far as attraction goes, it’s true, it’s possible the physical chemistry won’t be there when you two meet. So again it just comes back to trust; even if you don’t end up clicking in real life, it doesn’t mean she wasn’t telling you the truth about being attracted to you while your interactions were all virtual. And it won’t be a failing of yours if she isn’t attracted to you, because it’s just as likely that YOU won’t be attracted to HER in real life. Chemistry is either there or it isn’t. I think you need to try to not put so much pressure on this trip; you don’t NEED to decide by the end of the week if you’ll be in an exclusive relationship or not. There’s no timeline on that, you can just use this trip to help factor your decision, but you could still give yourselves time to talk and discuss and think on it after the trip. It’s only been a month; if she’s already moving to your city at the end of the year, you don’t have to rush this discussion. Try to accept that you won’t be able to predict or affect how this trip will go or how either of you will feel while it’s happening, and just try to enjoy the ride.

As for safety, this is going to sound intense and a bit of a pivot from the tone of the first paragraph, but I hold a lot of fear about stranger danger so I’m just going to be straightforward and talk to you as if this is a potential catfish even though it almost definitely is not; it’s always best to be prepared for that 0.01% chance that it is: Tell someone local who you trust a) her name, where she’s flying in from, and send a picture of her if you can, or describe what she looks like b) when and where you’re meeting for the first time, and have a plan to contact them after a certain amount of time to say she got there okay, and that you are okay after meeting her. Honestly, I’d have a plan for check-ins with that person once or twice every day to make sure everything is still safe and dandy. I recommend meeting up with her first in a public place. Even if it’s just meeting her on the sidewalk outside your apartment before taking her into it, to make sure you still feel comfortable letting her into your home once you meet.

Darcy: Oh wow, this is exciting! Valerie Anne covered everything beautifully. I just wanted to chime in and note that it’s totally normal to be nervous about this! Figuring out whether you click in person is a BIG deal. The good news is, you’ll one way or another super soon! I hope you have a lovely visit, whatever happens, and that all your butterflies end up being happy ones!

Q20:

Q for anyone who has carried a baby! I had my first 3.5 years ago (been nursing the whole time), and I’m due with my second next month. Before babies, I had a bananas high libido. Since my first was born, it has completely tanked.

I’m comfortable using gray-ace as an identifier these days, and I’m wondering if this is a fluid thing (will my libido come back when I’m done nursing my second?), or if my sex days are behind me.

There’s a part of me that mourns enjoying sex in my life (especially with partners), but I’m truly not into it at all these days and I’ve been SO supported by partners who do not pressure me into sex I don’t want.

Anyone else have similar experiences as a parent? What does “the other side” look like for you now?

A:

Sa’iyda: Oh friend, I totally get where you’re coming from! I nursed my son for a little over 3.5 years and that alone is brutal, so congratulations on making it that far. Nursing a toddler is no joke, and you’re a fucking champ! Especially if you’re nursing while pregnant! That is a lot of hormones coursing through your body. And it explains a lot about your lack of sex drive!

First of all, what you’re going through is normal! It happens to most of us! I was single while I breastfed my kiddo, and not once did I have any interest in having sex with anyone. Sex or sexual arousal was the farthest thing from my mind. I had sex once twice when my son was very little, and it sucked — I was dry as a bone despite being aroused, and so it hurt so f’ing bad!

Secondly, you are tired and touched tf out most of the time, am I right? Of course you can’t even think about sex, no matter how much you might enjoy it. Right now, your body isn’t your own and that mentally affects how much you want sex. But! There is a scientific reason as well! Thanks to this article from Healthline, I can give you concrete reasons you may not be feeling as sexy as you did before kiddos.

Your body produces less estrogen while you’re breastfeeding, and estrogen is key for arousal and vaginal lubrication. With your body making less of it to make room for the prolactin and oxytocin you need to breastfeed, arousal is going to be tough. See? Science!

I promise, your sex drive will come back! Maybe it won’t while you’re still breastfeeding, but maybe things will be different with your second baby. No two pregnancies are the same, and your body will behave differently after each one. Remember, this is just a season of life, and you will come out on the other side of it. Of course, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t kind of suck, especially when you had such a high libido before! In the meantime, find things that do feel pleasurable for you: no sex, or maybe masturbation or oral sex. If you’re experiencing dryness, you can always see if using lube makes it better.

It will get better!

Q21:

I want to preface this by saying that I am a trans woman. I really enjoy having a butch aesthetic, but at the same time it feels like it takes away from my femininity. I already don’t really pass as a woman, so looking traditionally butch tends to make my look like just your run of the mill cis man. Please help!

A:

shea: Why hello there, fellow butch aesthetic lover! I’ve got some experience with this from a different angle. I love having a butch aesthetic, but I’m a fat transmasc person who struggles to find good fitting “butch” men’s clothes in my size. What I have found is that there are tons of brands now that are doing the butch aesthetic in a more “feminine” cut. This frustrates the hell out of me because I would always rather not the fit be so fitted or cut in more “feminine” lines but THIS MIGHT WORK FOR YOU! For example, tons of places (even like Old Navy) are offering boyfriend cuts of pants, cardigans, or shirts. It gives off more of a butch feel but the cut is designed to accentuate curves and/or has a deeper neckline or shorter torso. Also, the sleeve length on shirts is often shorter. Something like this jean shirt or even this slub knit t-shirt might offer more of a cut that you’re looking for. Additionally, if you’re smaller in size, I recommend checking out Androgynous Fox. Their stuff is super fitted and the cuts they offer might make you feel better in your clothes.

Q22:

I ended an 11 year relationship this fall, and I planned to enjoy being slutty and casually dating; I was doing so successfully, until I met J. What started out as a fun hookup has evolved to hanging out twice a week for the last two months for 8+ hours at a time, the best sex of my life, & talking / listening to music for hours. A month ago I realized that I really like them and was surprised to find I am not interested in anyone else; when I have had sex with other people, I find myself missing J. We talked about where we stood a month ago and they wanted to date casually, which to them means having an emotional connection but not getting enmeshed. They say they like hanging out and having sex with me but that they haven’t had a romantic crush since their last relationship ended 5 years ago. In the last few weeks our hangouts have been longer (10-13 hours) and more couple-y; they started planning cute dates for us like nights at museums, biking, etc. and are thoughtful and remember a lot bout me and do cute things. They have gone on some dates with other people and which makes me insecure that they won’t want to date me anymore, even though they have said multiple times they want to keep seeing me. I care about them and would be sad if this connection went away. I feel I want to date them exclusively, but am wondering how to talk to them about this. Would it make sense to ask to date exclusively, and is that different from a relationship? Do you have any suggestions for how to talk to this person about our dynamic and see where they stand? Is it ok to date someone in this way only a few months after a breakup?

A:

Nico: So, there’s a lot going on here! You had the desire to get out there and be slutty. You have your feelings for J. J has feelings for you and also wants to keep things casual as of a month ago. To clarify, I DO think that agreeing to date exclusively takes something from being casual to being a monogamous relationship, even if that monogamous relationship is kept more loose and you take it slow and do work to not become enmeshed.

Okay, so, J: I think you have every right to ask J if they still feel the same way they felt a month ago and to ask about dating exclusively, but I think you should also be prepared to hear that they don’t want to do that because they might not want to do that!

Dating someone in this way a few months after a breakup: We can’t help when we catch feelings or falling for people who make us happy. I think that it’s honestly entirely up to you. Do you feel comfortable with dating exclusively (or wanting to) this soon? Do you wish you were exploring more? You might not have a choice about whether you get to date exclusively if J says they don’t want to, so that could happen, but what if you ask and they do? What then? Is that really what you want? I know you want it on a heart / body level, but do you want it on an intellectual level as well? You can decide that. You have the power to choose whatever you think will be best for yourself long-term, and the sticky thing is, there are no “right” answers here, this is just messy human feelings stuff. I encourage you to journal, talk with some trusted friends, talk with yourself, spend time envisioning what you want out of life, and to, in general, try to determine what is best for you before you talk to J and hand over that power to them and what they decide, if that makes sense? I hope that makes sense! Sending you tons of love and luck!

Q23:

Any tips for someone new to freelancing/working for yourself? What has helped you stay organized, focused, and inspired? (Have you come across any helpful resources for figuring out tax stuff??) I started freelancing this month, after leaving my full time job due to burnout last year. I know there can be a lot of challenges being self employed, but honestly I am up for the challenge because I really hit my wall with working a full time M-F schedule in the nonprofit sector.

A:

Ro: Congrats on starting your freelancing career! Entering into an unstable field where you have to hunt down every paycheck comes with its challenges, but I hope you enjoy setting your own schedule, being your own boss, and creating work that you’re proud of.

My experience as a freelance writer has been rewarding so far, and I don’t have to work too hard to stay focused and inspired — needing to pay bills keeps my work ethic in check. But I do have to put some effort into organization. Here are my top tips:

Set yearly and quarterly goals for yourself. There’s no one else pushing you, so if you want to grow your career and have a sustainable income, you’re going to have to set your own standards and keep promises to yourself.

Use spreadsheets like your life depends on it! I use spreadsheets to keep track of contact info for clients, invoices, pitch ideas, and more.

Set calendar reminders to follow up about late payments. I don’t know what industry you’re in, but my industry (the magical world of online media) is notorious for late payments — and I can’t afford to let that shit slide.

Hire an accountant if that’s within your budget. I’m lucky to have found an affordable, non-judgmental accountant who understands freelancing, and that’s made my life a lot easier. He also helped me start my S-corp in 2021. Yes, paying an accountant costs more money upfront, but it will probably save you money in the long-term. Check in with other freelancers in your area to get their recommendations.

Take breaks! When you work for yourself, you don’t get built-in vacation time, so you have to budget your time and money in a way that gives you some wiggle room for rest.

Q24:

Hey! I’ve got a question for Heather or any other member of the staff who has info: What support resources are out there for disabled partners of other disabled people? I feel like most of the groups and books and online resources I’ve seen are targeted at abled caregivers of disabled people, and that’s not my situation.

My partner and I are both disabled, but our disabilities are different. We’ve signed up for a life together fully aware that we’re both disabled, and it feels frustrating to look at the lack of supportive messaging out there for couples or households where everybody is disabled in some way compared to the resources (which aren’t even overwhelmingly large!) for abled people caring for one disabled person. My partner and I take care of each other, but we are not each other’s caregivers. Our relationship comes with unique joys and challenges, and I’d like to be able to talk with people who can empathize. Even my therapist wasn’t able to share any organizations, websites, or resources with me for disabled people in relationships with other disabled people, but I thought (hoped?) some folks here might know where I could check out.

A:

Heather: Thank you so much for trusting me with this question. I actually couldn’t think of anything off the top of my head, so I asked on Twitter and now all the replies to this tweet can be a running resource for you. I hope it helps!

Does anyone know of any resources or support groups or books or stories for disabled partners of other disabled people? Relationships where both partners are disabled? I want to pass this info along so any direction you can point me in would be helpful!

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) March 8, 2023

Q25:

Maybe this is for an advice question or maybe it is for Vanessa’s wedding column?! I am getting married this summer and am very stuck when it comes to writing good vows! Would love to hear other people’s experience writing vows that feel meaningful to them and also not super corny and traditional. If anyone wants to share vow excerpts and their thought process in writing I would also love that! Also I love my partner and want to tell them meaningful things about my commitment to them but I am also a very private person and the thought of being this vulnerable in front of my friends and family is very very scary. (you may ask why I am having a wedding if I am anxious to verbally and publicly proclaim my love, and that is because I appreciate ~the ritual~ of it and I do think there is power in having the love of others around you). So tips on approaching that would also be appreciated! Thank you! PS: I used to think I would never get married because it all seemed very silly but a long time ago on this website I read something Laenia wrote about marriage and going into the unknown future together and I think about that a lot and believe that it was one part of me coming around to marriage as an ok concept. Hopefully I am not misremembering this because I can’t find it again.

A:

Sa’iyda: First off, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Weddings are so exciting, but also a little terrifying if I’m being honest. I’m engaged as well, and one of the things I’m already worried about is the vows! I hate being the center of attention, and having to say these deeply intimate things in front of my friends and family actually makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

I think the best vows are ones that are heartfelt but also indicative of who you are as a person. If you’re not the overly sentimental, mushy type, your vows don’t have to be! If you like to say something really intimate and then crack a joke, go for it! My fiancee and I joke all the time that one of us will say these really beautiful vows and the other will just reply “samesies” and that’ll be it!

I’d start by first writing down all the things you want to say. It should be a mix of serious, sweet, funny, all of the things! Also, think of stuff you say to your fiancee already. Stuff like that makes it personal, and it’s a little inside moment in case you forget who it’s really about! Above all else, write it down! You can read them off of a piece of paper, which will give you something else to focus on besides the people staring at you. Good luck!

Vanessa: Just wanted to note that I am absolutely working on a column installment about wedding vows! It’s extremely In The Works so I don’t have much to share yet, but I am ON IT. And I love all of Sa’iyda’s advice, too.