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Welcome to the 77^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s theme is FORGIVENESS/ACCOUNTABILITY.  What do you need help being accountable for? Who do you need help forgiving? Are there patterns of resentment, grudges, avoidance, making excuses that you want to get out from under? We are going to practice holding ourselves accountable and forgiving others, together in this advice box. Get those questions in by Monday, February 6th! Go! Do it! This will publish on the 17th!

The general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic, publish on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

I’m a 29yo cis woman and have never had an orgasm that wasn’t from my own hands or me using a toy. I’m self-conscious about how long it takes me and how I need a specific pressure, so when I’m with someone, I’ve shortcutted to them holding me and me just doing it myself in my specific way. But I feel like I’m losing out of the pleasure of having a partner get me there. I feel like it would likely be physically possible for me, but the problem seems like a mental thing — I have a lot of anxieties about giving up that control and fears of it not working that are blocking me from getting there. I also feel shy/awkward/(demanding?) telling my partner what to do. All this being said… I talked to my partner about this and they are down to experiment and try to make this happen! Any advice or tips as I embark on this journey?

A:

Vanessa: Okay, my answer has two parts. First, I’ll address your question — it’s so great that your partner is down to experiment and wants to make you feel good. Hell yeah, as they should. Because you’ve expressed that you can make yourself orgasm and you think it might be mental, I want to really give you permission to relax and take as longggg as you need when experimenting. Remember, sex should be about pleasure! So if you think a full body massage would get you in the mood, ask for that. If you really like a specific kind of pressure, show your partner what that looks like and then take some time with them trying it out. You’re not demanding for asking for what you want — most people I know LOVE when a lover tells them exactly what works — you’re gifting them a secret key to your body! That rules. I find mutual masturbation very sexy, and taking turns can be hot too — so maybe do a masturbation night where you each take turns getting yourself off while the other person watches. If you’re comfortable you can narrate what you’re doing out loud so the other person really gets a full tutorial. Hopefully if your partner is doing this too it’ll feel more like a paired activity and not you “being demanding” although I want to reiterate that you’re not doing anything wrong for asking what you want when it comes to pleasure! I’d also encourage you to think of these experiments as a fun journey, not a mission where the goal is to orgasm. See what happens. Notice how you feel. What keeps you in the moment? What causes you to get anxious and in your head? How can you make sex more relaxing and fun? The second part of my answer is not what you asked but I’d be remiss not to say it: it’s TOTALLY FINE to make yourself come during sex while your partner holds you (or doesn’t hold you, or watches you, or or or etc). If YOU feel like you want to practice the act of orgasming from a partner’s touch, I support you 100%, but if it’s some kind of external pressure that is making you feel like you must do that, I want to say — that’s bullshit! Do you! I personally love making myself orgasm while my partner does a variety of other things to my body, and it doesn’t feel any less like sex or any less fulfilling — it feels like I know what I want and everyone involved in the sex I’m having wants me to get it. I hope these two parts of the answer help and I wish you and your partner a very fun and sexy ride!

Ro: I whole-heartedly co-sign all of Vanessa’s excellent advice and have one suggestion to add. If you decide that you really want to orgasm from your partner’s touch because you want to for the sake of novelty, experimentation, and fun (and not because you’re feeling external pressure to do so), here’s one way to push through any physical and/or mental blocks that might be getting in your way. First, like Vanessa suggested, show your partner exactly how you like to be touched. Then, once they’ve got the technique down, have your partner take a break and use your own hands to get yourself almost to the point of orgasm. Once you’re almost there, let your partner take over and bring you to climax. This can help your body get used to the feeling of letting someone else make you come, and after repeating this a few times, you might feel relaxed and confident enough to let your partner get you there from start to finish.

Q2:

Hey team!

I’m hoping for advice on being a Cool Queer Aunt! I am, as far as I know, the only queer person in my immediate family, and one of only two queer people (and the other is less “out” than I am) in my extended family. I am also in a straight-appearing relationship.

My oldest nibling is six, and there are several younger ones ages one through five. I have enough niblings that at least one of them is likely to be queer and/or trans, and even if none of them are, I want to make sure they’re seeing a happy, healthy, queer adult person in their lives. But because they’re young and I’m in this straight-appearing relationship, I’m not sure how to be visibly queer in an age-appropriate way (they’re too young to know what my very gay jewelry means, for instance, and I haven’t dated enough for an ex-girlfriend comment to come up in normal conversation.) I don’t anticipate any pushback from my siblings, but it doesn’t feel organic to just say “bi the way I’m bi, here’s what that means” to the kids. Any advice on how to introduce my queerness to them in an age-appropriate way? What about as they get older? How does one become the Cool Queer Aunt?

A:

Casey: Surprise, surprise, my answer for this is books! There are so many rad queer picture books and board books available these days. I think reading them to your niblings is a great way to introduce them to LGBTQ+ identities / themes and it will give you a casual opportunity to talk about your bi identity as it relates to the book or in response to any questions your niblings ask. Some books to check out:

Bathe the Cat by Alice B. McGinty and David Roberts

Pride Puppy by Robin Stevenson and Julie McLaughlin

My Moms Love Me by Anna Membrino and Joy Hwang Ruiz

Mama and Mommy and Me in the Middle by Nina LaCour and Kaylani Juanita

Love, Violet by Charlotte Sullivan Wild and Charlene Chua

Pride Colors by Robin Stevenson

Love in the Wild by Katy Tanis

Ritu Weds Chandni by Ameya Narvankar

We Are Little Feminists: Families by Little Feminist, Archaa Shrivastav, and Lindsey Blakey

I also think taking your niblings to the Pride parade and/or other queer events that might be available where you live is another great way to introduce them to queer culture and your place in it. Check out kid-friendly events at or around Pride week. Near where I live there are events like gay dog walks, rainbow storytimes, family picnics, drag baseball games – lots of stuff kids would love to go to!

Ro: I love all of Casey’s book suggestions! This isn’t exactly an answer to your question, but I just wanted to share my own experience: I was the only openly queer person in my extended family for my entire life, but recently, one of my younger relatives came out to me. Being open about my queer identity with the conservative side of my family has been hard, but I’m so glad I made myself visible — because years later, my younger relative knew they could reach out to me for advice. And now we go to see queer art exhibits together and gossip about our homophobic relatives and do other fun gay stuff! So if you ever feel silly about going to great lengths to be visibly queer, don’t! I love that you want to be “a happy, healthy, queer adult person” in your niblings’ lives, and someday they’ll thank you for that.

Sa’iyda: I love both of the above answers and would like to submit that just being yourself is enough right now. I don’t think you have to go out of your way to show them your queerness, but making yourself a safe space for them will keep that door open should they need it in the future. I wasn’t visibly out when I was younger, and my niece and nephew still came out to me because I had made myself the Cool Aunt even without them knowing I was queer. Of course, I came out to them then so they felt less alone, but it wasn’t a thing I felt I had to prove to them for them to know I would wholly accept them. Just be present for them, and they will think you’re the coolest!

Valerie Anne: Staying true to MY brand here, you could also use TV characters to open that conversation! More and more kids’ cartoons are including queer characters (Luna Loud on The Loud House, the polar bears on Peppa Pig, pretty much everyone on The Owl House, etc) so depending on their age level, probably there’s a character you could mention that you relate to. Or even if you don’t necessarily tie it to yourself right away, even just celebrating the queer characters they’ve been exposed to will help make it a happy association instead of a secret or shameful or ‘strange’ one, and letting them lead the conversation until it gets to a point you feel comfortable being like “Yeah I’m queer like Luz!”

Q3:

One of my best friends lives in the suburbs and I live in the city, whenever I mention doing something in town, she says she’ll stay at my place overnight. The thing is, I don’t want her to, and she’s taking it personally that I keep saying no or giving excuses.

I’m a very private person and she’s always opening cupboards and going through stuff etc. I’m also anxious because my house is always a bit chaotic. I have messy roommates and I struggle with depression (which she’s aware of), but I’m embarrassed and anxious about her judging me or being condescending.

Also when we’ve gone to gay clubs in the past she acts weird and creeped out when women talk to her. Our friendship is completely platonic – but sharing a bed with her etc. brings up some internalized homophobia in me because I think of how she acted towards those other queer women, and it makes me wonder if she feels repulsed by me too (though she’s never acted that way).

Of course, I want her to get home safe, (for context she isn’t too far out from the city, I used to live there and transit home all the time). I’m just wondering what to do! Should I get over myself and clean my room and invite her? Should I put my foot down and tell her I’m not comfortable with her staying over?

I rarely have people over to my place – I’m an anxious person about my space and very private. I appreciate any advice or much needed tough love you can give.

A:

Casey: Friend, I’m sorry you’re going through this situation with one of your best friends. My honest to goddess opinion here is that this person is not actually a good friend to you, which is something you absolutely deserve! A friend should respect your boundaries, and if you’re not comfortable with them staying over at your place, they should respect that and you should be okay telling them so. If you’re a private person who doesn’t like people looking through your cupboards, your friend should respect that and you should be able to ask them not to. Maybe you haven’t explicitly told your friend about either of these issues, just made excuses that sort of put off making a clear boundary. That’s totally understandable. Those conversations are awkward. If you really want to continue a friendship with this person, unfortunately you’re going to have to assert your boundaries with her. If she crosses them again after you being explicit, that’s a real bad sign.

But imho, it doesn’t sound like this person is a friend worth keeping for you as a queer person because she sounds homophobic!! If you’re a woman at a gay bar, women are going to talk to you (or, at least theoretically they are going to, lol, it never happened to me much). Unless these women approaching your friend are being disrespectful or creepy or harassing, it is absolutely not cool for your friend to act weird or creeped out. I think it creates an unsafe space for you as a queer person and for the other queer people at the bar. You deserve to have friends who — even if they’re cishet — exuberantly support you in your queerness and don’t make you feel feelings of internalized homophobia. I don’t think you are overreacting by worrying about her “feeling repulsed” by you if you’ve seen her react that way to other queer people.

You’re being a good friend wanting to make sure your friend makes it home safe and inviting her into the city and, to be honest, honouring her by inviting her to come to special queer spaces with you, and I do not think she is being a good friend back to you. You deserve better.

Q4:

Hi autostraddle, it’s me. I’m writing this because, well, I don’t know why exactly. I feel impossibly lost and confused. Over the past year I’ve gone through both hypomanic and depressed mood states. I’ve been struggling with a serious eating disorder. I’ve started a great new relationship that I still get lovesick over, 9 months in– but it’s long distance, and with my family a 5 hour plane ride away and not many friends in my city, I wonder why I’m here at all. I’ve been on and off and back on again more psych medications than I can count, and they’ve given me insomnia, paranoia, among other things. I never know whether they’re helping. I took a gap year, but I still can’t bring myself to care about any of my classes after covid hit my freshman year– I was already burnt out at 19. I used to want to be a performer, and I guess I still do, but training and practicing doesn’t feel good anymore. I just got ghosted from the only job I’ve ever liked. I feel like a completely different person compared to who I was a year ago, a year before that and a year before that. I can’t tell if I’m better or worse. My therapy goes around in circles– I can’t address a series of sexually traumatic experiences in my late teens. I come from a wealthy, high achieving family that I feel I’m not living up to at all– at the same time I feel ridiculous for all this angst when my parents provide for me financially. I realize not much of this has been a question. My questions repeat in my head like this: who am I? How do I figure it out? Am I too self absorbed? How do I get rid of this distressing confusion? What’s so scary about myself?

A:

Valerie Anne: There are some questions here I can’t answer. I don’t know who you are, or how you can figure that out, or how to rid you of your distress. But I do some things to be true: I know that you are, in fact, different than you were a year ago. And the year before that. And you’ll be different a year from now, and five years from now, and twenty. And that’s a good thing. If you changed for the worse in the past year, that’s okay. You’re constantly changing, so there’s plenty of time to change for the better. Or to just change in a different direction, because what’s ‘worse’ or ‘better’ mean anyway? I also know that depression doesn’t care about logic. Depression doesn’t care that your parents are wealthy, depression doesn’t care if you’re in a great relationship, depression doesn’t care if, on paper, you “should” be happy. Depression takes those things and hides them from you, or covers them in shadows so you can’t see them, or until they look like something else entirely. I think that’s what it’s doing to you, too, maybe. Casting you in so much darkness it’s distorting your own shadow, so the figure you see on the wall is scary and unrecognizable. But you can’t focus on the shadows. Close your eyes and know what’s real and what’s true. You’re alive, and you’re trying. I know you’re trying because you wrote to us for help, and you have a therapist, and you’re taking medication. Keep trying. It won’t happen all at once; the puzzle box of your life has been shaken up, more than once, by your trauma, by the pandemic, by mental illness; and it’s not going to snap back together in one day. It’s going to take work, piece by piece, step by step. Some days it’s going to feel like you have a million pieces left, some days it will feel like you’re still just sorting the edge pieces out, but keep trying, keep going. Enlist your support system for help when you can; your partner, your therapist, any family (born or found) you know will help and not hinder your progress. And then someday, if you keep trying, keep going, you’ll step back and realize you’re making progress. There will be parts of the picture that are starting to make sense again. And maybe they don’t look like what you thought they would look like, maybe it’s not you as a performer or you doing whatever your family wants from you, maybe it looks like something totally new, but it will be clear and it will be yours and it will be what you’ve been working for. So even when it’s hard, even when all you can see is shadows, focus on the next puzzle piece, just one at a time. Just keep trying, keep going.

Q5:

Hi all,

My partner (they/them) and I (she/they) are planning on getting engaged within the next year and are wondering about recommendations for queer (or queer friendly), relatively affordable, ethical engagement rings. We’ve done a good bit of research but can’t seem to find a place that is queer-run AND satisfies all of our needs so thought I would put out feelers on here to see what other queers have found. Thanks!

A:

Vanessa: So funny you ask, I literally just wrote a column about this yesterday! As you may have seen, I’m engaged and getting married in June, and as such I’ve been writing a bi-weekly column (called Blush & Bashful, lol) about all things engagement/weddings! Just yesterday I interviewed two queer jewelers to answer this very question! Check it out!

Nico: Vanessa’s advice is great and I want to just offer a couple more suggestions. If you’re not into stones so much and you maybe want to have your engagement rings also serve as wedding bands (or not, you do you), I’ve seen a neat thing popping up where metalsmiths will offer classes where you can carve your own mold for a lost wax cast ring! Do some searching and you might be able to find someone locally who can help you with this. I feel like it’s pretty romantic!

I have also asked a metalsmith to melt down old jewelry for me to turn into something else, and that is totally something you can do if you want to go the recycled route. (Did I pay a queer metalsmith to melt down and transform my old engagement ring from my divorce into something I actually wanted? YES I DID AND IT WAS VERY CATHARTIC SHE SENT ME VIDEO OF THE GOLD MELTING LOL.)

Almost finally, a commenter recommended automic gold and though I don’t have anything from them I know people who do and love them.

I also want to recommend a Pittsburgh metalsmith shop, Studebaker Metals, which is a lot of fun to go into because it SEEMS TO ME like they employ a majority of women and queers and the whole experience is very friendly. Again, if you get a ring from a place like this, your mileage with gemstones may vary, but you ARE getting something that is relatively affordable (metal work is never cheap, but y’know), shaped by a craftsperson who is local to you, so if that sounds cool to you, I recommend looking around your area! (Also Studebaker has an online store).

Q6:

Dear friendly neighborhood Autostraddle writers,

I need some sex advice! My partner & I (both cis women, both use she/her, both have vulvas) are long-term monogamous, and I’m hoping to spice things up a bit…sort of. Most of the action happens taking turns using a vibrator (magic wand, holla) on each other’s clits with the receiving partner on her back. Is there a better (different? More adventurous? More physically intimate?) position for the giving partner than, like, sitting on her knees in front of the other with a vibe in her hand & adding the occasional other hand to breast/nipple? Assume no interest in penetration or butt stuff at the moment and pretty vanilla. I’m particularly interested in ideas for the placement/location of the giving partner to make it more intimate. So basically, where should the giving partner be aside from just sitting there?

Thank you!

A:

Vanessa: I love using the Magic Wand with my partner and I love this question! I think there are a lot of ways you can “spice up” this particular sex act, and I’d say it especially frees things up if the person receiving stimulation is the one actually holding the wand. Some ideas:

1. Person A sits in Person B’s lap/between her legs. Person A holds the wand against her clit and leans against Person B. This provides closeness (Person A’s back is pushed against Person B’s chest, Person A’s butt is near/on Person’s B’s vulva, etc) and also allows Person B’s hands to roam wherever she pleases — hair, neck, nipples, etc.

2. Person A and Person B lie facing each other and position the wand between both of your vulvas so you can hold each other/grind against the wand at the same time.

3. Person A rides the wand on her stomach (rather than lying on her back) while Person B lies on top of her, getting the added benefit of feeling Person A’s butt grinding into Person B’s vulva while she orgasms/grinds against the wand.

4. Person A can get on all fours and hold the wand against herself while Person B can either stand or sit in front of her (depending on height) and position her vulva in line with Person A’s mouth so she can receive oral sex at the same time.

5. Person A can get on all fours over Person B, who can lie flat on her back, and Person B can hold the wand against Person A’s clit for a slightly different angle/eye contact heavy position.

…These are just some ideas! Another thought I had is that it might be fun to buy different toys to use, even if you want to keep the general theme of “one partner holds a vibe against the other partner’s clit.” A new toy can be really fun, and there are so many options — if you haven’t tried the toys that simulate sucking/oral sex I strongly recommend them! And I do think mutual masturbation is a really underrated sex act, so adding more toys to the bedroom can up the chances of that happening. Hope that helps — have fun!

Q7:

Dear Autostraddle,

I am asking for advice of perhaps the most frivolous kind! Every year around this time in winter, I start to crave a visit to a spa or bathhouse. If you’ve ever seen the Baden Baden episode of Rick Steves’ Europe, that is the idea. As I stand in my own shower at home, I dream of a journey of steam and water, hot and cold and warm and hot again, a delicious sensory experience. Here’s the thing, though: in my dreams it is GAY. And also fat accepting. A queer spa where I as a fat, Black woman, along with my visibly genderqueer wife could feel comfortable, could feel like our bodies are welcomed, even if we are naked or nearly. But, like, maybe not a place where a lot of casual sex is going on? (No judgement! Just not the experience I’m looking for personally.)

Do you know if anything like this exists anywhere in the world?

Signed,
Just another bougie Black lesbian chasing a dream

A:

Vanessa: I wish I knew where you were located, because if the answer is “Portland, Oregon” then yes, that place does exist! There are multiple spas in Portland proper that cater to the exact experience you’re describing. Common Ground and Everett House are two that I’ve personally been to and can sign off on saying they are very queer, very fat accepting, and even have specific evenings for POC and queer/trans people. There are also multiple hot springs around the Portland area (by which I mean anywhere from 1-4 hours away by car) that are less “spa” like and more “outdoor,” but the times I’ve visited those I haven’t been bothered (as a fat, queer, white, cis person) and have often found other queer folks there, too. I realize if you don’t live in Portland this is not helpful to you, but perhaps there are other spots like this elsewhere that other folks will chime in about, or perhaps you’d like to come visit Portland some time to enjoy these spots! (Although, if you’re looking for warmth during the winter, I’d probably suggest a trip to somewhere sunny rather than a vacation to soak in hot springs in the rainy chilly PNW… but who knows what you most desire! I hope your dreams are fulfilled regardless!)

Nico: This isn’t an answer but is just me saying that I really want to go to those PNW hot springs they sound amazing.

Also, while this may not be like SPA experience, I did find this interactive map of thermal springs in the US online. Now I’m thinking…hot springs road trip? But also, I bet you could use this map as a starting point, find a place with a lot of natural hot springs, find a tourist destination nearby, and see if there are spa experiences, find said spa experiences, vet them to see if they are the kind of place you imagine going to, and plan a trip for yourself!

Also, as a general note — send us your “frivolous” (I do not think this nice thing you want to do for yourself sounds frivolous though) advice questions. We love to answer lighter questions, too!!

Q8:

I am a bisexual cis woman in my thirties in a long term hetero relationship (marriage) with a man.

Early 2022 I started crushing on a woman I work with, she’s a lesbian and has a wife. Because I recognised the crush and knew neither of us were available I distanced myself to see if feelings would fade and i distracted myself.

We dont work directly together in the same team so our interactions from a work perspective are few and far between. Towards the end of the year however there were a couple of completly innocent interactions that pulled me back in again and I just thought fuck it stop trying to stay away from her, do what you want.

Since that decision was made we’ve talked consistently on slack and over what’s app there might only be only 1 or 2 days at most out of a full week we don’t talk. We definitely have a connection, the way we think and our tastes in things are very similar, she says I make her laugh and she likes that we have been talking more often. There are definitely flirty moments.

It’s driving me crackers to the point of utter distraction, constant heart burn and restless nights sleep, not knowing if my feelings are reciprocated or not. More than anything however, the rate and the way I think of her makes me feel like I’m being dishonest in our friendship and I wonder if she would feel betrayed if she ever figured/found out about my feelings.

I’m just feeling stuck, I’m crazy about her and don’t want to stay away. Side note, although it’s not a secret I don’t actually know if she knows I’m Bi.

A:

Casey: There is a lot going on here! Okay, my first question is: what are you hoping to get out of this flirtation / friendship / situation with your co-worker? Like, why do you want to know if your feelings are reciprocated? You don’t explicitly say your relationship is monogamous, but I’m going to assume it is, since I think you would have brought it up otherwise. Let’s think through some possible outcomes: 1) she finds out you have a crush on her and doesn’t reciprocate, your new work friendship becomes awkward and dies and you feel like crap; 2) she finds out you have a crush, reciprocates, and wants to have an affair with you; 3) she finds out you have a crush, her relationship is non-monogamous, and she wants to date you, except you’re in a monogamous relationship so she says she can’t do it under those circumstances; 4) she finds out about your crush, she reciprocates, but says you can’t do anything about it because of your respective monogamous relationships so you continue flirting with and pining for her and having these terrible physical symptoms with no end in sight. These are just some possibilities. But, umm, none of these are really great.

What’s going on in your marriage? Are you two going through something right now? Do you still want to be in this relationship? Are you craving a queer connection outside of your marriage, whether it’s friendship or a romantic relationship? Given the potentially negative effects on your relationship and the already negative effects on your health, I think you need to ask yourself why are not “staying away from her.” I think it’s totally normal to have crushes when you’re in a long term monogamous relationship, but it seems like the intensity of this one and the way you’re approaching it — “crazy about her and don’t want to stay away” — are indicative of something that needs looking into in your marriage. This crush and situation are not good for you, as you can see with the horrible physical effects you’re feeling!

Obviously no one but you can decide what the right path for you re: these relationships is, but continuing as you are is a really terrible option. Do you need to have a serious discussion with your partner about your relationship? I think so. My instinct is that this crush means something about your marriage. It might be that you’d be happier getting divorced. It might be that you need your partner to support your queer identity more. It might mean a number of things need to change in your current relationship. This work crush, however intense, might be more a symptom of a larger problem — trouble in your marriage — rather than the problem itself. Good luck fellow bisexual!

Nico: It sounds like you’re definitely going through it and I am sending you first and foremost, some love here! I agree with everything Casey said and also am going to assume you and your friend are both monogamous in your marriages because you brought them up as though (I think and am sorry if I’m wrong!) to imply that is the situation.

Okay, so, I think that this is gonna be brutal, but I also think that your husband deserves to know how you’re feeling. Relationships and life are messy so I’m not going to say that you two shouldn’t end up together if that’s what you both want, if things get to that point, but I think that leaving your partner in the dark until something comes to a head is absolutely wrong. You each respected your partners enough to marry them at some point, so I think you need to show them that respect by having an honest conversation within each of your respective relationships. (Or, here I’m telling your friend what to do if the feelings are mutual, but this is what I think you should do because I think it’s the right thing.) You might disagree with me! I don’t know what’s going on in your marriage. Maybe your husband is terrible. But if he’s not — then you two need to talk before taking any other steps, before telling your crush you’re bi, before cutting yourself off from her, before anything — you gotta have a conversation about your marriage, your mutual fulfillment in that relationship, whether or not you’re still happy and want it to continue exactly as it is (I don’t think this is likely going to be the outcome), whether things need to change, whether you might want to open up your marriage / get counseling / get a divorce / find space within your marriage for you to explore more of your queer identity / decide you never want to date cishet men ever again / some other option I am not seeing. I think this crush could be a very real genuine connection (and humans are messy and it happens but you gotta be the bigger person if it does and be honest with your partner), it could also be the canary in the coal mine like Casey is saying. I really have to leave it up to you to decide, but the ethical thing to do, I think, is to have a conversation with your husband where you are real about where you are and where you give him plenty of space to be honest about how he is doing in the relationship as well, where you both decide where to go from there.

But you know what? I think you’re brave and awesome and that you can handle this even though it’s difficult! Your current state is unsustainable and I don’t want you to have longterm health consequences from all this stress. Getting this out in the open should help…eventually. I think you can do it! You can have the conversation! Sending you so much love!

Q9:

I’ve been dating the same woman for a little more than 2 months. This week, we finally had the “what exactly are you looking for” talk. I want monogamy, something serious; she doesn’t and doesn’t know that she ever will be able to give me what I want, but she does want to keep dating. I like her a lot. I don’t want to stop seeing her, but is it smarter to let her go? I’m afraid that I’ll just keep developing feelings, hoping she’ll change her mind, only to have it go nowhere. I’m lost. Please help.

A:

Vanessa: Honestly, this sucks, but yeah, I would end things. I have been on both sides of this — wanting a serious monogamous relationship with someone who was openly polyamorous, and wanting a casual nonmonogamous connection with someone who openly wanted monogamy — and in both situations it was painful and I wished we’d ended things sooner, seeing as we’d both been honest about our intentions and desires. It’s true that sometimes people change what they want and sometimes it works out, but usually, if both people are being honest about what they want to get out of a connection and those desires do not overlap (as is the case here) I think it’s best to end things sooner than later so you can both be free to find people who want the same things you want and can actually meet your needs. I’m sure the person you’re dating doesn’t have bad intentions (truly!) but it’s unfair to both of you to keep dating if you know you’ll never be satisfied with “casual” and she knows she’ll never be able to show up for more than that. End it now. Good luck to both of you!

Q10:

Anyone have tips to share when it comes to celebrating your own accomplishments/milestones without relying on external validation/affirmation? I have a hard time with affirming myself or feeling proud of myself, but I know it’s valuable to cultivate that relationship with one’s self. Thank you for any insights!!

Ro: This is something I used to struggle with, too. Here are three things I do that help me celebrate my wins:

1. At the beginning of each year (and sometimes at the beginning of each month), I write out a list of goals for myself. Setting those goals doesn’t come with the expectation that I’ll meet every single one — I just try to reach at least half of those goals. I always make sure to include fun goals alongside the serious ones, too (this year I set a goal to visit a museum I’ve never been to before). Then I check my goals off as I meet them. The act of checking something off — and imagining how stoked my former self would be for my current self — has helped me feel proud of my wins.

2. I regularly look back on my life and notice the positive changes I’ve made over time (for example, I used to self-isolate when I got depressed — and now I’ve made a habit of reaching out to friends). Sometimes I even write letters to my younger self sharing the good news. I know it sounds corny, but I promise it feels good.

3. I brag to a therapist. I’m not in therapy right now, but in the past, I’d share all of my wins (even the small ones) with my therapist, and witnessing her excitement helped me celebrate myself.

4. I stopped sharing my wins with people who tear me down. This was a hard habit to break, because for years I wanted to believe that sharing my accomplishments would change the way those people view me, but unfortunately, some folks just aren’t willing to see me for who I am, and they’re only proud of me when my accomplishments fall in line with the person they want me to be.

I hope this helps!

Nico: Haha okay so this is gonna make me sound like Judi Dench in Notes on a Scandal saying “another gold star day…” to myself, but I have been doing this new thing called Keeping a Diary where it is not like a feelings journal, but is in fact a record of events. I have a pretty bad memory (mental health reasons, probably) and so it began as an exercise to help me better remember what all is going on in my life. But you know what else! It’s also really nice to record small wins or good things that happened, or little accomplishments or what I read or who I talked to or even just a funny thing that happened. Sometimes I will add stickers, especially when I do something that I want to celebrate a little. It’s very soothing. Also, I think the regularity of trying to diary every couple of days helps the small wins not to get lost. I really like Ro’s ideas and so just wanted to tack this little one onto the end here. Good luck celebrating yourself, friend!!!

Q11:

This is probably a question for Heather, but of course anyone can answer!

My girlfriend is really into video games. Me, not so much. But during the pandemic she’s been playing a lot of Pokémon, and I got interested because I used to play a lot of Pokémon on my GameBoy as a kid, but pre-pandemic hadn’t played in about 20 years. So the last few years we’ve been playing Pokémon a lot, but now that I’ve finished Violet I’m not sure what else to play. Can you recommend any other games for the Nintendo Switch that are similar to the play style of Pokémon? (Battles, cute creatures, collecting, preferably no murder or crime, and most importantly, set goals which must be completed in sequence and which are achievable in a few weeks.)

A:

Heather: Oh dang I love this question! I’m going to assume you’ve played Scarlet and Violet, Sword and Shield, and Legends of Arceus, since you’ve been playing for a few years! If not, all of those are worth your time. You may have a harder time filling in your full Pokedex on the older games, but those communities are still actually really active! In fact Sword and Shield is even more buzzy than Scarlet and Violet on Reddit. Also, you can always just tweet at me and I’ll send you anything you need. My Pokedex’s are all complete and I love helping! Stardew Valley is the next thing that comes to mind for me for you. It has all of your requirements, including battle! Plus it’s just an adorable and satisfying game that lets you concentrate on whichever aspect you love best. (Don’t write off fishing; it’s tricky to get the hang of, but awesome once you get used to the mechanic.) Animal Crossing is also a great choice here, but no battles. Cozy Grove too, but it’s a little more maudlin and soulful than Animal Crossing. Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch is a JRPG with a battle style that’s very similar to Pokemon! Yo-Kai Watch is also similar, but you’ll likely need an English-translation guide to help you through. Here’s a great ten-hour walkthrough on YouTube. Finally! A different idea! Replay any of your Pokemon games — but! At the beginning! Draw six Pokemon cards and that’s your team. You have to collect those six and no others and beat the game with them! (Or, you know, five plus your starter.) You can buy Pokemon cards anywhere these days, or just do a random generator online. I hope this helps!

Nico: Also noting that I think Stardew has multiplayer on Switch so you two can play together!

Q12:

Hiiii help me? My partner and I are starting our parenthood journey after a couple years of conversation. We’d already opened a file at a sperm bank, done genetic testing etc.. when a couple dear friends – one gay male, one genderqueer – approached us and proposed joint parenthood.

The idea both intrigues me and stresses me out.
One aspect of the dilemma is that if we used a sperm bank my girlfriend and I could both be legal parents, but if we coparent then two out of four of us won’t have any legal rights. Will we be able to handle the constant struggle? And, are 4 parents too many for one kid? Will my partner and I want the kid with us all the time and resent having agreed to share custody?
We have good communication with these friends, we already share custody of a sweet dog. But how do we all navigate figuring out what each of us want, and whether our wants and needs line up with co-parenting, in order to make this permanent and monumental decision before we have had any actual parenting experience?

help please

A:

Casey: Wow this opportunity of yours is so exciting and I am going to offer a tiny bit of advice based on my experiences of early parenting with one partner / co-parent. I also have a friend who is part of a four parent household with three kids, so I’ll share a bit about what I know about that too. So, basically I have found that the expectation that two people can function well as parents to an infant plus one of them working — even part time, even from home — and have any amount of time for themselves is an impossible task. Plus there’s cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc! What a shock, I know, heteronormative monogamous propaganda is a lie!

Before having a kid, I truly had no idea how much work it would be to care for a baby, how much strain it would put on my relationship, how much sleep deprivation and fragmentation I would go through (and still am, 16 months into my kid’s life), and how much I would miss time alone and my hobbies. I have been so fortunate in having a lot of family help, from my mom, dad, mother-in-law, and aunties, and I still feel this way. I truly do not think four parents, or any kind of loving committed adults, is too much for one child. And four parents would only be even more amazing to have if you decide you want to have more than one kid.

Of course I miss my kid when I’m away from her, and you will too. But just based on the fact that she might be away sometimes I don’t think would necessarily entail a “constant struggle.” You will want to sleep, catch up with friends, spend quality time with your partner, do your hobbies, and then sleep more when your kid is with their other parents, and then you’ll be in a much better place when you have your kid back with you to be a great parent. Of course, everyone is different, but in my experience, I very much value my time without my kid and am happy when she is being cared for by other people who love her and are invested in her well-being.

I am amazed to hear from my friend who had a full night’s sleep is up at 6am playing with her kid while the parents who were up during the night caring for two babies get to sleep in and another parent is working. Amazing!! You could potentially have two lactating parents for your baby, plus other parents to step up and take over other non-feeding tasks. It also could be very beneficial financially for your kid and family to have more than one parent able to work at a time, especially before the kid is school age and needs full time care.

One thing to consider as far as shared custody goes is some kind of shared living situation. Especially when a baby is really little, it’s a 24/7 job that it would be great to share with your co-parents in the middle of the night or any time when you’re really at the end of your rope. The friend I know lives with her partner, her partner’s co-parent, and the co-parent’s partner. Even if you could arrange to live in separate places within walking distance I think that would make a big difference.

I think I would approach figuring out what each of you want out of becoming parents and what your ideas about parenting are the same way you may have already done with your partner. A big sit-down real talk is in order, with questions prepared in advance about what styles of parenting you are thinking about, how you were parented, financial stuff, etc. Do some googling for lists with questions like “What are things you liked from how your parents raised you (and want to repeat)?”and “What do you not want to repeat?” (Beware heterosexual nonsense, though). The outcome of these talks might be that the four of you aren’t suited to being co-parents! But it’s much better to get into the hard stuff and find that out now than later.

I’m Canadian and have zero knowledge of legal stuff anyway, but as I always say when people ask me legal questions at the library: consult a lawyer! Even if the four of you can’t be legal parents, maybe there are some other options to explore.

Okay and just to finish off to be clear: I don’t think having a kid with a friend(s) is inherently better than with a partner, but I also don’t think it’s inherently more risky. Having more than two parents would definitely have drawbacks – I think Sa’iyda makes very good points about decision making and compromises – but I also think there are a lot of positives. Ultimately I’d concentrate on figuring out how compatible you and your partner are with these two people in terms of parenting and discuss in depth likely problems and how you would go about solving them. It sounds like you already have a good communication base with them, so you can build on that. It might even be a good idea to talk to a counselor or therapist to help structure these talks!

Sa’iyda: I am going to take the exact opposite stance than Casey on this one. From my personal experience and the experience of a friend who also entered a complex co-parenting situation.

My son is nine years old now, and I spent his first six years as a single parent co-parenting with his dad. We lived with my parents for almost four years and it was nice to have extra sets of hands around so I could shower or run errands or work. But my son was a high needs baby and only ever wanted to be with me. So having the extra hands around during those first few years was utterly useless a lot of the time. You don’t know before they’re born if you’re going to have a high needs baby, so it’s not something you can prepare for. You can have the most present co-parent(s) in the world, but it won’t matter. In fact, it might create resentment and hurt feelings.

Now, I have a partner (we’re engaged and she’s lived with us since my son was six) and we parent full-time while my son’s dad has been a long distance co-parent but will be moving back to our city soon. It’s a real balancing act to co-parenting! You have to take multiple people’s experiences and beliefs into account and make sure you’re all on the same page, but then you also have to make sure that what you’re doing isn’t just in your best interest, but your kid’s best interests too. The more hands in the pot, the more compromises you’re going to make. And that can be really difficult when it comes to keeping a small person alive.

I have a friend who is a lesbian and decided to have a baby with her gay male best friend. Things were great and fine until the baby was born. Her friend totally did a 180 on things they had previously agreed on, to the point where she had to hire a lawyer because he was trying to take away her legal rights as the child’s mother. Not only is their friendship completely decimated, but they don’t even have a good co-parenting relationship. Not saying that this is what will happen to you, but it’s ALWAYS a possibility, and you really need to think through if it’s worth potentially ruining your current relationship so that you have extra help when the baby comes.

I say, you should go with your original plan, and your friends can be a great support system. If things prove to go well, then maybe you could look into the legality of becoming co-parents. Or maybe if the other couple has a child on their own, you can create some sort of family commune! There doesn’t have to be one path to doing this.

Q13:

Hi! I’m in the process of breaking up with my girlfriend. I don’t want to dive into all that and I don’t want to say negative things about her because outside of the not great stuff she’s done to me recently she’s a good human and I do love her. But the relationship is done. And the stuff she’s done and how she went about ending stuff (or not and then putting me into a situation where I have to be the one to do so) has me so wildly pissed. Pissed to the point I’m not even sad about this ending. Pissed to the point I want to send her on her way and pretend none of this ever existed. And I don’t know what to do with this anger. I’m so wildly angry and I feel pent up and on edge. I want to yell and throw things and rage. Not at her. I’m not talking to her at the moment. Just overall. And I can’t get past this anger. And it’s not that anger is bad. It’s an emotion and I let myself feel it but I can’t get my brain past the rage. It’s like I have bees in my brain. Angry swarming bees ready to fight. I’m fine feeling angry. And it’s justified right now to be honest. But I want to move past the blind rage to something else. Or at least not moving past the anger I guess doing something with it? Working through it? I feel consumed and I want to move past that bit. Tips? Advise? Screaming buddy?
Thanks

A:

Ro: I’m so sorry you’re going through such a difficult breakup. Sitting with and moving through anger can be tough, but I don’t think you’ll be feeling this particular flavor of anger forever — or at least, not to this degree. Anger is my go-to feeling whenever something bad happens. Sometimes it’s actual anger, and sometimes it’s sadness masquerading as anger. I’m not afraid of my anger, but sometimes it’s hard to live with — because you’re right — it totally feels like having bees in your brain!! Here are some things I do that make living with anger a little easier on my mind and body:

1. I vent in space where my venting is welcome. Maybe I’ll journal or talk to a therapist or ask a friend if they’re willing to listen to me rage on for a bit. Saying all of my angry thoughts out loud or writing them down — including the thoughts that might sound unfair or mean — helps me work through my emotions and get to a place of stability.

2. I move my body. You don’t have to do intense movement or go to a gym to get rage out of your system — I usually just go for a walk or ride my bike or aggressively clean my apartment. Afterwards, I usually feel much calmer.

3. I listen to loud music. I know some people like to listen to calming music when they’re angry. I actually prefer to listen to the angry stuff (in your case, this could potentially enhance your anger, so experiment with different types of music to figure out what works for you).

4. I’m going to recommend screaming, although that isn’t part of my personal anger release practice — I live in an apartment in a major city and I don’t have a car, so I don’t have access to screaming locations where I’ll go unnoticed. But if you have a place where you can really yell, give it a shot — I’ve heard it works well.

No matter what, remember that feeling angry after a breakup is normal and expected and okay! Maybe you’ll always feel angry about the things your ex did, but that anger won’t always feel as heavy as it does right now. Good luck.

Q14:

Editor’s Note: The following contains mentions of eating disorders and self harm.

I’ve recently put myself out there again for dating/long term relationships. I have a lot of anxiety about this and spent the past two years hooking up and casually dating, setting very clear boundaries that I’m not looking for anything long term. The reason I’m ready to start dating seriously is because I’ve done a lot of work in therapy to heal myself after going through a five year abusive relationship with my grad school advisor that wrecked every bit of my sense of self and boundaries. During that period, I engaged in self harm and relapsed with a restrictive eating disorder. I still have the visible scars from the former and invisible scars from the latter. During grad school, I was in a relationship with a woman who didn’t understand what an abusive workplace was like, thought if she loved me enough she could take away my behaviors, and engaged heavily in diet culture, which were some of the reasons I knew it wasn’t healthy for me. I need someone who understands that me staying healthy is going to take maintenance from me for likely the rest of my life, that it can’t be healed with just love. And obviously someone who doesn’t participate in diet culture/obsessive exercise (lesbian hikers on tinder are everywhere?). Going on casual dates or hooking up was easier – no need to explain the scars or get into my past. Now that I’m dating with the intention of a long term relationship, I’m struggling about when the best time to bring my history up is. They’ll see the scars early on, as soon as we have sex, but this seems like a heavy conversation for an early relationship. Do you have any advice?

A:

Ro: First, I just want to congratulate you on getting to a more mentally healthy place. That takes a lot of hard work and commitment, and I hope you’re feeling proud of yourself! You are not alone in your history — it sounds like we have a lot in common.

I also have self-harm scars, and like yours, mine are only visible if I get mostly naked. I’ve made decisions about if/how I acknowledge my scars based on how I’m feeling in the moment, and mostly, my scars haven’t been a big deal. There have been times when I’ve said, “Heads up — I have some scars from a long time ago, but I doing okay now” before clothes start coming off or “Heads up — I have some scars there, but I don’t mind if you touch them” if the person was getting close to that area on my body. But most of the time,, I just don’t say anything about my scars at all, and if I don’t say anything, the other person typically doesn’t acknowledge my scars either. And there have been times when I’ve found myself having sex with someone who also has self-harm scars — they’re actually pretty common, especially among LGBTQ+ folks (which is a bummer, but it’s true).

If you’re hooking up with someone and they ask about your scars, I think it’s totally fair to say something like, “Those were from a tough time in my life, but I just want to have fun with you right now” (which a very reasonable request when you’re actively making out and/or fucking). You don’t owe anyone any information about your scars or your past on a certain timeline — you get to share that information if and when you’re ready — and any new date who pushes for that information isn’t worth your time. You deserve to be treated with care and respect.

I also have a history of anorexia. Now I consider myself fully recovered, but there are still some things I do to protect myself and to advocate against a culture that actively promotes eating disorders. That doesn’t mean I bring up my ED history right away when I start dating someone — but it does mean I’m very open about my values and do my best to interrupt diet talk, healthism, and fatphobia whenever I encounter it, whether it’s coming from a relative, a friend, a stranger, or a date (and if it’s coming from a date, then I know the person I’m dating doesn’t share my values). I think those practices have led some folks to gather that I might have an ED history or a history of body dysmorphia without me saying that outright, and most importantly, those practices have also helped the people I date feel safe sharing their own ED histories with me (because just like self-injury, eating disorders are incredibly, painfully common in the LGBTQ+ community).

Overall, I don’t typically disclose detailed information about my ED/self-harm/mental health history with people I’ve just started dating — I usually wait until I get to know them a bit. When I’ve shared that information about my life, the conversation has usually gone pretty well, because it turns out most people have struggled with their mental health and engaged in destructive behaviors at some point. I don’t like to have a big, heavy conversation at first — I like to stick to the facts (“Here are some things I struggled with in the past and here are some ways I take care of myself now”). Most of the time, sharing that information has led others to share their own tough experiences.

Tl;dr — Having scars and being open about your needs and boundaries doesn’t give anyone the right to pry about subjects you’re not comfortable getting into. You get to share this information about yourself if and when you’re ready. When and how you share that information might vary based on the person you’re dating and how comfortable you feel with them. That’s okay! Trust your gut and maintain your support system — dating for the first time in a while can be hard, and it’s important to have folks in your corner who can build you up if a date or a relationship doesn’t go well. Most importantly, remember that you’re not alone. Good luck!

Nico: HELLO just another person here with self-harm scars to say that, yes, they are unfortunately common among LGBTQ folks. I think Ro’s advice is sound, but wanted to just chime in because it might be nice to hear from someone else of similar experience. The thing is, too, that people you date very might well have seen or been intimate with or be friends with someone with self-harm scars, or be aware of the existence of such things, at least. So, while I cannot guarantee this will be the case, I would be willing to bet they will understand what’s going on, and if they are good and chill, they should let you take the lead with what you want to share or not.

I’ve definitely had dates ask about my scars and it has felt weird (like a date I sent a selfie too like…zoomed in on it real close and then asked me about them??? RUDE what are you doing zooming in on my photo ma’am?), but what those experiences told me was that things weren’t going to work out because they weren’t really very respectful right from the start. I hope that things do not go that way for you, though, and I think that you can definitely bring up the scars ahead of clothes coming off in like a “heads up” kind of way and be really clear and firm about the extent to which you want to talk about the scars. The same thing goes for any boundaries you need to put up as you continue to maintain your mental and physical health and relationship to eating and food. Sending you tons of love and good luck with getting out there and dating!!

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