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Welcome to the 74^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed, like this one! NEXT month’s theme is ENVY/JELOUSY.  Are you envious of friends, a coworker? Coping with jealousy in a relationship? Envious of where others are in their careers? Jealous of some imaginary self that made different choices? Let’s start by venting, but then, actually, work on practical ways to affirm ourselves, feel better, be better friends and partners and (hopefully) fix our problems — or at least try! Get those questions in by Tuesday, January 10th! Go! Do it! This will publish on the 16th!

The general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, where we take questions on practically any topic, publish on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

Holigays advice needed, please! I’m used to the regular fatphobia I receive from my parents and sister when I go home, but this year a large cohort of international relatives are visiting too. They are also fatphobic and likely to make comments. I’m absolutely dreading it! I’m especially worried about my reactions when something is said, as well as my well-being during what will be a challenging week. I’m also concerned about general diet talk rubbish, especially as my dad lost a lot of weight a few years ago and people love to heap praise on him for it. Any advice you can give will be gratefully received, thank you!

A:

Darcy: What a challenge! I’m sorry that hearing fatphobic comments is part of your experience seeing family. Unless you think it would be fruitful to confront your relatives, I think now is the time to come up with and practice some bland scripts and conversational redirects you can roll out whenever necessary. I like to reply blandly to an inoffensive piece of the conversation, and then redirect immediately. For instance, if Dad says, “I can eat the green beans, they’re fat-free!,” you might say, “I love green beans! …Hey, did you see that piece in the New Yorker about possums?” I have used this tactic to great effect at my day job, where there is pervasively fatphobic office culture, and it’s my #1 go-to now. You may also want to come up with a couple of slightly more direct scripts for when people ask you about your own body or aren’t getting the hint. Kayla’s example below is great! Be sure to practice saying them out loud beforehand.

You’ll also want to build some ways to care for yourself while you’re home. Maybe this involves sneaking off to a spare bedroom with that amazing novel you’ve had on your reading list all year. Maybe it involves working in some scheduled time to see hometown friends in person, or scheduling a catch-up call with a friend who gets it. Maybe it’s as simple as offering to walk the dog or run to the store when you need a few minutes of alone time.

Kayla: I’m sorry, this sucks so bad. I echo a lot of what Darcy said. If you’re not ready to or comfortable with explicitly stating some boundaries with your family then I do think that one of the best things to do is listen to yourself. If a fatphobic comment is made and you need to take a moment to remove yourself from the situation to avoid further harm, do so. You do not have to sit there and listen to these people. You can even try saying something like “I’d rather talk about something else” if the conversation is going in a bad direction and don’t feel obligated to explain further than that.

Q2:

I need some gift advice! My partner and I recently moved very far away from friends and family and I’m looking for gift ideas that are along the lines of Cat Sticker Club (or feminist sticker club!) where a loved one is getting something small in the mail periodically, but is cheaper than a subscription box. Do you know of any other sticker clubs or other gifts that fit this criteria?

Plug for cat and feminist sticker clubs: 😻
Cat Sticker Club
Feminist Sticker Club

A:

Ro: Truthfully, I hadn’t heard about sticker subscription boxes before you asked this question, and after a little googling, I’m sold. I love stickers! And I love that you want to stay in touch with your loved ones via snail mail! Here are some ideas for subscription services that aren’t as expensive as the options you mentioned:

1. If your recipient likes reading and/or collaging, get them a magazine subscription (digital or paper — I know paper isn’t the most eco-friendly, but for folks who like collaging or hate reading on a screen, paper magazines might be a solid choice). These can be pretty inexpensive, depending on the publication.

2. Check out the website CrateJoy, which has all kinds of subscription boxes at a variety of prices. Sort your search by “Price (low to high)” to find the least expensive options. I saw subscription boxes on there starting at $3.

3. Make your own sticker subscription service! Buy a bunch of stickers that are on sale online or at a craft store, divide them up into envelopes, address and stamp them, and make a calendar reminder to send them out around the same time every month. Your recipients will really appreciate this because the stickers are hand-selected by you! And you can always throw in a note if you want. If you don’t want to send stickers, send pins, seed packets, tea — anything that’s small and light enough to send in an envelope.

4. Get a bunch of postcards (funny postcards, postcards from your new city, postcards from places you visit, postcards featuring art or historical figures, whatever) and send those out every month. I have an old friend who sends me postcards from across the country. I love taping them up on my wall and on my refrigerator — they always make me think of him!

Heather: Dang, Ro has some amazing ideas AS USUAL! I also asked on Twitter and there’s some great sticker treats in this thread!

If you know of any kind of sticker club / subscription / Patreon, etc. will you thread it right here on this very tweet? 🧡

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) December 11, 2022

Kayla: If your partner is a reader, the gift of a small literary journal subscription is thoughtful and also supports indie pubs and up-and-coming writers!

Q3:

Hi team! My partner’s step dad is Ukrainian, I’m Polish, and our shared Eastern European heritage led to a small bonding moment once over a love of pickled beets. Our relationship is otherwise pretty thin: my partner and I see him about three times a year for a meal or so.

For Christmas last year and my birthday this year, he has given me a huge batch of his homemade pickled beets. I’m talking 4 litres at a time. I’m expecting a threepeat. He is very proud of them — he grows the beets himself and makes a day of cleaning and pickling them. It is a tonne of work, and you can tell this is a love language for this otherwise brash guy. He also gives jars to his neighbours and family.

The first jar I opened sounded fizzy. Other jar lids have popped (but not all). When I told him this, he said they were “still good”. He then revealed that he doesn’t follow proper pickling protocol. He doesn’t process the cans — he just pours hot pickling liquid over the raw beets. He told me this gleefully, as though he found a sneaky loophole. He was dismissive when I tried to tell him about proper processing. Obviously I’m not eating the beets.

My Qs: do I hurt his feelings and pride Christmas morning by refusing the beets and re-emphasizing that they’re unsafe and could give him and his loved ones botulism? Or do I forever continue to accept his gifts with grace when the inevitable jars are unwrapped and chuck them later? And if I am gracious directly, do I backchannel warn other family members against the beets? I don’t want people to get sick! Ahhh!

A:

Himani: This is one of those tricky situations where I think there just isn’t really a good answer, no matter which way you go. There’s a lot of layers here in terms of the dynamics that are at play.

Honestly, when I read your question, I couldn’t help but see this from a lens of how to respond in a culturally sensitive way. Not to say that botulism and lack of proper sanitation is the traditional practice for Eastern European pickling but rather, that it’s hard not to see any criticism from a place of East versus West, Western science’s general skepticism towards anything traditional, etc. And all of this is overlaid (at least in my mind) by the ongoing war in Ukraine, which I think heightens the desire to connect and preserve tradition. (Though again, in this case, it’s clear that your partner’s stepdad is cutting corners with wildly dangerous consequences.) At the same time, as we were discussing this in Slack, Nico pointed out to me some of the gendered dynamics that are at play in this situation as well and how they map onto the cultural components here. All this to say, it’s hard not to feel like you’re in something of an impossible position.

The thing I try to remind myself, at least, when I feel like there’s no good answer to addressing a problem is that means I can try different solutions at different times and see what sticks. Given how close we are to Christmas already, it may be best at this point to accept the gift with grace, warn other relatives indirectly on the side for this year, and then maybe sometime in January or February, try to delicately plant the idea that you now have a lifetime supply of pickled beets and don’t want any more. That’s not really addressing the root of the problem, but it’s a temporary solution.

I also think it would be equally appropriate to pull him aside before Christmas and say something to the extent of, “I really appreciate all the time and work you put into preparing these pickled beets. But I am really concerned about the food safety here. I know you don’t share this concern, but I want to let you know that I don’t feel comfortable accepting another batch of pickled beets. Maybe this time around, let’s find another part of our shared heritage to celebrate.” And again, if you don’t feel comfortable saying this to him now, maybe keep this in your back pocket for a few months before your birthday rolls around again.

The other thing that’s missing here, is where your partner is situated in all of this. What is their relationship with their stepdad like and how do they feel about this pickle of a gift-exchange? Have they tried to approach their stepdad about it? Have you or your partner spoken to your partner’s parent (the stepdad’s partner) about it? It may also be a matter of seeking out allies in your partner and their other family members to broach this topic, so that you’re not trying to manage this situation all on your own.

Nico: I agree with Himani in that this is clearly difficult on a lot of levels — from wanting to be culturally sensitive to wanting to be sensitive about your partner’s step dad’s feelings. I looked into pickling beets and it sounds like he’s attempting a typical boiled canned pickle, but without cooking the beets ahead of time and the critical boiling step that kills off harmful bacteria and seals the jars. It also does not appear to be a lacto-fermentation method, but rather, a shortcut, as you say and as he admitted. The thing I pointed out when reading your question was the gender dynamic at play. I feel like I know men like this! Men who will avoid listening to other people, or who are, for whatever reason, sure of themselves despite putting others’ safety at risk. I do think that the first step is talking with your partner about this, and then, from there, connecting with other family members (in a non-gossipy way) about the beets. I really hope that you all can find a good way to approach this with your partner’s step dad because this sounds like far too much work — from growing the beets himself to spending a whole day pickling them — to throw away just because he doesn’t want to do a few extra steps (both preparing / pre-cooking the beets and boiling the finished cans). I can also see why all that work makes it hard to receive feedback or anything he might see as criticism (even if you’re right!). I appreciate where you’re coming from, and that you don’t want people to get hurt, but I also think that not much will come from, for example, refusing the gift of beets. That’s liable to result in hurt feelings but no change in behavior. Maybe he would be open, once you figure out how to approach this with your partner and other family members, to working on this project together! Wishing you tons of luck.

Q4:

(special advice box please!) How do you handle feeling tired about visiting relatives without feeling guilty? Not about racism etc, just with personalities, hectic ness, etc. I’m the only grandkid going, my grandparents are too old to do much, and some aunts/uncles don’t help. How do you avoid feeling resentful when everyone thinks you’re going to have a relaxing xmas/new years?

A:

Ro: The older I get, the more I realize that most adults have a tough time during the holidays. It’s stressful, even when you love seeing your family! So many of us have to deal with the challenges of traveling, spending money on gifts, choosing the right gifts for people who are hard to shop for, and navigating our COVID precautions vs. our families’ COVID precautions (or lack thereof) on top of it all. Plus, many of us are expected to spend pleasant time with our relatives – and we don’t get to choose who those people are! So if you’re not feeling stoked about the holiday season, you’re not alone. That’s normal and okay, and you don’t have to feel guilty about it.

But here’s the thing: You are not required to spend the holidays in any particular way. You’re not required to see your family for an extended period of time — in fact, you’re not required to see them at all. Making the choice to dial back your usual holiday plans might hurt some feelings, but you can always present alternatives that work better for you and that your family might also enjoy. Would you rather plan to spend time with your family in early December or in January or over the summer? Would you rather have dinner with the fam and then skedaddle instead of spending multiple hours or nights in town? You can set boundaries and make plans that help you have a more relaxing holiday season, AND you can build in some special traditions that are just for you (or for you and your partner[s] and friends) that will help you look forward to this time of year in the future. Christmas stresses me out (and also I’m not a Christian), so I’ve established some winter traditions in my own life (like going for a walk during the first snow of the year, honoring the winter solstice, decorating my apartment with evergreen branches, and listening to my favorite wintery music) that help me feel excited—or at least less stressed — when Christmastime rolls around. You deserve to have a joyful and relaxed holiday season — so give yourself that gift!

Himani: Ro has some great suggestions for how to reclaim the holidays as your time. But absent that, in terms of your question, “How do you avoid feeling resentful when everyone thinks you’re going to have a relaxing xmas/new years?” I’ve been struggling with a version of this myself because I have been struggling with long COVID (again) for over two months and people keep asking me “if I’m feeling better” which is really not how long COVID works. In both your case and mine, the problem is that other people are making assumptions about our experiences, and so they say something or ask a question from that place, which makes it hard to express what the experience we’re having actually is like.

Honestly, the only way I’ve found to deal with this is to be candid and, if I have the wherewithal in that given moment, gracious. I tell people that I’m actually really not feeling better and based on recent doctor’s appointments that’s likely to be the case for a while. In your case, this might mean saying something like, “Actually, I find the holidays to be quite stressful. I love my family but, as I know many people feel, it can be a little bit of an overwhelming time.” And then, depending on your relationship with the person you’re speaking with, you can divulge more or redirect the conversation to something that feels like a more neutral topic to you.

It’s hard and exhausting to have to do this kind of work in the midst of casual conversations that come up all the time, but at least in my experience it feels better than just kind of shrugging or lying or not saying much at all. (Though admittedly, I do sometimes just shrug and don’t say much when I’m really not feeling up to challenging people on their underlying assumptions about “how things are supposed to be.”) But after years of doing this in one context or another, I’ve found that some people really appreciate the honesty, and it creates an opening for a closer connection over what usually ends up being a shared experience. In this particular case, as Ro said, most adults find this time of year to be stressful. Other people might find your response awkward or not really know what to say, and that’s where being armed with a different topic to pivot the conversation to is really helpful.

Q5:

HOLIDAY ADVICE BOX: What are your thoughts on regifting/donating a present you’ve received? Is there ever a kind way to tell someone to *not* give you gifts anymore?

I’m thinking of all the like, “live laugh love” dishtowels and candles one of my aunts gifts me every Christmas. 🙃 I don’t really have a relationship with this aunt; we probably interact like once a year or less (and in fact it’s become more difficult for me to be around her the past 5 years or so! She’s gotten more overtly religious, kind of controlling of my grandma and other family dynamics. I don’t really want to maintain a relationship with her, if I’m being honest with myself.) I get the sense sometimes that she gifts out of a compulsion or to “check it off the list” and I wonder if there’s a way for me to just be like, hey you don’t need to do that anymore!

Sorry this turned into a more specific question about my family drama Lol! Any thoughts on any of what I’ve described here are so appreciated 💛

Meg: Honestly, I think regifting or donating presents is absolutely fine. I don’t always have a great memory so I tend to donate over regifting, but if you’re confident that the original giver won’t find out / be offended, regift away!

In terms of your specific family, might I suggest gently telling people that if they’d like to give you a gift, to give money or to donate to a charity that you love? I absolutely think that people get stuck for gift ideas, especially if they aren’t in a position to spend a lot of money or aren’t sure what to give but still want to make a gesture. Let them know that even a small donation to a specific organization would be very meaningful, or that cash would be the most helpful for you, and hopefully they’ll get the message.

Sa’iyda: I think regifting or donating is a perfectly fine thing to do. Especially if you know that someone will enjoy it more than you will. No need to hold onto things that are just taking up space. Make sure you remove any telltale signs of regifting and have at it!
I think Meg makes a great point about asking for cash or a donation. I would add that if you have places you do like, a digital gift card is always another option. I almost always ask for Starbucks and Target gift cards for any gift giving holiday. You can also say: “Aunt X, thank you so much for thinking of me and buying me a gift. I really appreciate the thought, but I am consciously asking people to stop buying me gifts. I already have more stuff than I need, etc.” It’s gentle and makes it clear that it’s not just her gifts you’re avoiding.

Ro: I’m VERY pro-donating and pro-regifting (one time ten years ago I told my mom I liked dried figs, and now every single year I get…SO MANY FIGS! TOO MANY FIGS! Just yesterday I gave all my friends giant bags of figs! I can’t eat them all and don’t even like them that much anymore! Mom, please stop giving me figs!). I love Megan’s suggestion to ask for donations and Sa’iyda’s suggestion to ask for gift cards. I have another idea to throw into the mix: If your whole family typically gets together and exchanges gifts then, suggest a “pass the present” game instead. This is what one side of my family does. Everyone brings one gift that anyone might like (most people get with snacks, beverages, or practical things anyone can use). Then you play “pass the present” (google it — there are multiple way to do it. In my family, we play the version where you can “steal” a present from someone else) and everyone ends up with one gift. That way, everyone spends less money on presents overall and you only end up with one thing that you can either keep or give away. I hope that helps!

Kayla: I also echo everyone’s enthusiasm for regifting (and am also DYING OF LAUGHTER @ RO’S FIG STORY). My family also switched to a gift exchange setup for this reason — people were unsure what to buy for others and this streamlined things and actually everyone usually ends up with something they actually WANT due to the “stealing” aspect.

Q6:

This is for the Holigays advice column- My family holiday dynamics are different than the usual tensions people talk about- there’s no racist uncle or homophobic grandparent or loud drunk cousin. On the contrary, it’s just my nuclear family (two boomer parents, three adult children in their 30s,) and our holidays are… well, quiet but not peaceful. There’s definitely some underlying differences in political views and plenty of physical and mental health stuff that nobody wants to bring up in order to avoid conflict, but we seem to be short on what to talk about instead. Our holiday meals have that sort of bleak tension you get when you’ve had a disagreement with someone and nobody knows what to say (unless someone asks my dad a question about work, in which case he can monologue through the whole meal about things and people that are often not very interesting to the rest of us). Christmas is often the only time of the whole year that we’re all together in one place, and there can certainly be the unspoken attitude of “this time is rare and precious and we’re all going to enjoy it if we die trying,” so that’s a thing, but I guess not really what my question is about.

I have had some success with bringing games to play during dessert, it gives us something to do and we often genuinely enjoy it, but I’d love some ideas of how to ease the tension for the rest of the meals (most of our holiday traditions are just eating, so that means dinner and dessert on xmas eve, and then breakfast, dinner and dessert on xmas day. Just the five of us. At least we are good cooks.)

Thanks as always, AS!

A:

Kayla: This is going to maybe sound weird, but I think you almost have to treat it as a first date. Obviously, you know these people a lot better than you know someone you’re going on a first date with, but what I mean by this is you should think of ways to engage in conversation that actually don’t necessarily require intense intimacy or seriousness but still allow everyone to share and open up a little. What are the things YOU want to talk about? Maybe even write them down. Ask what people have been reading or watching lately — literally first date questions! I’m not saying it’s going to immediately feel comfortable and easy, but if you almost treat your family like people you don’t know that well but want to connect with, it might open something up.

Q7:

Have you come across any good sources/readings for understanding ppl’s attraction to QAnon and QAnon-adjacent shit? I’m already feeling like the holidays are going to produce some weird family/extended family conversation scenarios where I’m gonna need to practice a mix of addressing disinfo/challenging fucked up rhetoric, and also taking care of myself and my partner in these situations.

A:

Darcy: Hi! I don’t have specific resources about how people fall down these rabbit holes (and I’m sorry that’s where some of your family has ended up), but I do want to emphasize that you and your partner can and should feel free to employ any and all boundaries that feel important to you over the holiday, including challenging statements, walking away from conversations, and removing yourselves from situations that feel wrong or emotionally unsafe. Before you spend time with your family, you may want to practice saying certain statements out loud, like “that’s not true,” and “please don’t use that racist/homophobic/etc. language around me.” You are also allowed to participate in as many, or as few, holiday get-togethers as you feel comfortable with. If you’re concerned about preserving relationships with the family members who haven’t gone to the dark side, or the ones you still care deeply about, please also feel free to make separate plans with them — want to meet your mom for a hike? Want to meet your other queer cousin for some axe-throwing? ‘Tis the season to pick and choose what will be healthy and safe for you and your partner to do!

Nico: I also want to chime in and say that, unfortunately, with that conspiracy-theory based rhetoric, the stuff that’s really much more QAnon heavy, it’s like a cult. There haven’t been a lot of, or any that I’ve heard of, success stories of these folks getting deprogramed by other people. As far as I can tell, you just have to hope they get bored with it and move on on their own, but for the most part, they are going to stay mired, going from one emotion-inflaming theory to another and unlike helping a white person challenge their racist or homophobic beliefs, challenging the beliefs of QAnon-believers often doesn’t go that well because they are not reality-based AT ALL. The usual tactics just don’t work, and like any cult, you basically have to wait for folks to come out of it on their own, if they ever will. When someone thinks that people are drinking the blood of children, how can you talk to them about the real world? Usually, whenever I’ve had these conversations with QAnon relatives, they’ve wound up being a waste of my time. Even if they wind up being polite for a time and agreeing to disagree, they will go back to their friends later to get more affirmation they crave and just get sucked back into the cult.

Now, in terms of when this stuff comes up at family gatherings, I think that deflection and not engaging is the best strategy for a group setting. None of the other non-QAnon people want to be sucked into this either. I recommend putting up a boundary like “I don’t want to talk about that” and changing the subject. Aside from that, I think that focusing on deepening your relationships with non-QAnon-adjacent family members and spending time with them (Darcy’s suggestion) is the way to go!

Q8:

How do you host a good/fun house party?

I’ll be hosting a New Year’s Eve party (my first time ever hosting a house party) with a guest list of maybe 20 people? What do I do? How do I keep it fun for everyone (mixed straight/queer group)? How do I keep it from feeling like a college party where I just stick a Spotify playlist on a speaker and put a ton of alcohol on a table? Please help.

A:

Ro: Before I give you tips on how to host a fun house party, I’m going to throw in some unsolicited tips on how to throw a safe and welcoming house party, because we’re still living through a global pandemic! And it’s flu season! And that’s a real bummer. I urge you to consider taking some precautions before you gather 20 people indoors.

If you live in a warm place, consider holding your party outside. If it’s going to be freezing and you need to host an indoor party, consider asking folks to wear masks and/or send you a photo of a negative rapid COVID test beforehand. Open some windows (even if it’s cold), and if you have the budget, invest in an air purifier with a HEPA filter. Serve snacks on toothpicks or with serving spoons and put chips in individual bowls so no one has to touch what’s going into someone else’s mouth. Most importantly, reach out to your guests beforehand and ask them what it would take for them to feel good about coming to this party! You never know who might be high-risk, who might live with a high-risk person, or who might be following strict COVID precautions just because they don’t want to be one of the millions of people who ends up with long COVID. This is also a great time to ask if anyone has severe food allergies!

Okay, onto the fun stuff. Since there’s going to be drinking, ask folks to BYOB AND provide a few different beverages, too (having people bring their own stuff ensures that everyone will have something they like, since people have all kinds of beer/wine/liquor preferences, and it ensures that you won’t run out). Make sure you have mixers and non-alcoholic drink options — bonus points if you make delicious mocktails that your sober friends can enjoy and your non-sober friends can spike with whatever they want. Having mocktails or another non-alcoholic option will help you sober pals feel welcome, AND they’ll give your non-sober friends something to sip on in between alcoholic beverages so they don’t get too drunk and sloppy. Sloppiness can really ruin the vibe.

You’re totally right that parties can feel “collegey” and boring when there’s just music and drinking, so throw in some activities. Lay out some board games (Jenga seems to be a party favorite) or organize a group round of Taboo (do people still play that? I love it). Games give people something to do and bond over, so if folks are dealing with social anxiety or don’t know many people there, they have an automatic in. The best party I ever hosted was a Halloween party during which all of the guests attempted to summon spirits with my Ouija board.

Choose music that’s fun, but not too intense (listening to EDM for hours might be a lot for people who are trying to talk to each other). Alternatively, put on a movie in the background (nostalgic stuff can be really fun — I once screened AirBud at my birthday party and it was the best).

It’s also helpful to arrange different “stations” around your home (a snack station, a drink station, a game station, a quieter/comfy area for people who want to chat, etc.) so that people can spread out and engage in smaller group conversations throughout the night. And make sure you have a plan for the midnight countdown and have someone keep track of the time! Do you want to pass out kazoos and ridiculous party hats beforehand? Give yourself plenty of time to do it! Missing the big “HAPPY NEW YEAR” moment at midnight sucks.

During the party, make sure you’re being a good host! Walk around. Introduce people to each other. Make sure everyone has what they need and there’s toilet paper in the bathroom and everyone has a safe way to get home at the end of the night (if you’re planning to offer up a couch or guest room to folks who can’t safely drive home, make sure that’s ready in advance!).

Finally, know when to call it a night. Maybe you’re planning to communicate an end-time to everybody beforehand. If not, keep an eye on your guests. If people are getting drowsy or just way too drunk, then there’s a chance some of your guests just aren’t having fun anymore. That’s when it’s time to start cleaning up and politely let your guests know that you need to turn in.

I hope you and your guests have a fun, safe, and memorable night!

Kayla: I definitely second all of Ro’s safety advice, and I think Heather’s guide to throwing Pride parties/events that are inclusive of disabled and chronically ill folks is easily applicable to social gatherings of any kind! I ALSO second Ro’s advice for “stations.” Everyone “parties” in different ways, and the best house parties are the ones that account for that. If there’s music in one area, there should be another area that’s quieter.

Also something to consider: Parties generate a lot of waste. My sister is a QUEEN of low/no-waste parties, so I’m going to share some of her tips for that. She has people “BYOC” — Bring Your Own Cup! This not only reduces waste but also is good for Covid safety and people are way less likely to mix up their drinks. For drinking games (if you’re into those!), she has a set of the reusable aluminum Solo cups that are available at most major grocery stores. For food, something big, batchable, and easy to save leftovers of like a big pot of chili is the move! My girlfriend and I also have a cheap extra trash can that we wrote RECYCLING on in big letters that we haul out of storage when we have parties so people know exactly where to put any bottles/cans.

Nico: I LOVE all of these suggestions from Kayla and Ro. I want to add to the suggestions for hosting and really emphasize that being intentional and thoughtful about checking in on your guests, making sure that no one who doesn’t want to be left alone is alone, and making thoughtful introductions with people who should know each other will go a really long way. I also want to suggest, and I am surprised honestly that Kayla didn’t say anything about this, but setting up a photo station! It’s another activity for folks and will give everyone a nice photo keepsake from the party.

Q9:

For the practical holidays advice box: I’m realizing I need to upgrade from my usual carryon luggage protocol, which is like— a big tote bag stuffed with everything from books to snacks to headphones. What’s y’alls luggage sitch when you fly on a plane during the holidays? (Or anytime of year??) How do you keep yourself organized?

Many thanks! 🧡

Meg: I used to travel a lot pre-pandemic, and while different systems work for different people, I’m happy to share my tips! When flying, I hate to check a bag unless I’m on a teeny tiny plane that makes me check it, so I bring one carry-on sized suitcase (I have this one from Away, it’s at least five years old but still works well and has a removable USB charger) and one leather tote (I have and love this one from Madewell), both in black. I’m a fairly recent convert to packing cubes, but they’re wonderful for keeping things separate and organized! I use one cube for pajamas and loungewear, one for dressy outfits or anything I’ll want to unpack/hang right away, and the smaller ones for any other random soft items. My suitcase has a flat zippered divider compartment that I use for socks and undergarments, as well as a protected larger side that I put shoes, my white noise machine, tarot decks, and any other inflexible items into. I use mesh travel bags (I have this cheap set from Amazon) to separate out cosmetics and other toiletries, and I always put all of the liquids into one bag together so that I can throw it into my tote (along with all of my electronics), which makes it easy to get through TSA and security. When I do it right, I don’t have to open up my suitcase in the airport at all, and have everything I need for getting to my gate as well as entertainment on the plane within easy reach.

Ro: I always bring my REI daypack as “personal item” on flights (REI doesn’t make the one I have anymore, but I bet you could find similar options on their website). I love using a daypack because it has multiple compartments that will keep my stuff organized, and there are water bottle pockets on each side, so I have easy access to hydration. It also has cushy shoulder straps and chest strap across the front, so it’s comfortable to wear for a long time.

If I have to check a bag or expect that I might have to check a bag when I board due to an oversold flight (always a possibility), I always pack a change of clothes that are easy to roll up and don’t take up much space plus some other essentials in my daypack. An airline lost my luggage once, and while it was ultimately recovered, it was SO HELPFUL and comforting to have at least some stuff with me.

Ashni: Like Meg, I traveled a lot pre-pandemic so I always love when travel questions come in! I have the Away as well (the smaller size, so that I can bring it on tiny regional jets and budget carriers even when larger carry-ons don’t fit in the overhead bins), and it has served me extremely well over the years! Heads up that if you choose a darker color, scratches show up pretty quickly on the surface. Also, it seems like many people have Away luggage, so if you wind up getting one, use a luggage tag or memorize the scratch pattern on your bag’s surface (that’s what I do) so that you don’t accidentally grab the wrong bag. I’ve also heard good things about July but my Away is still going strong so I haven’t felt the need to switch it up! Honestly, any piece of luggage with four wheels is my rec – it’ll feel lighter and be easier to wheel around a crowded airport.

I know I should embrace packing cubes, but I’m more of a “toss it all in” packer. I roll my clothes, though, so that should count for something! My backpack, which I really only use for travel and not much else, holds everything that isn’t shoes or clothing. My toiletries get separated into two categories, liquid or not, and then get put into clear quart-size zippered bags. I also have a mesh bag for all my charging cords. I always make sure that my meds are easily accessible, often in a crossbody or something tucked into my backpack, and that I have a pair of backup undies and socks for the same reason that Ro mentioned bringing a change of clothes. Also, lots of hand sanitizer and extra masks.

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