Welcome to the 73rd edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! THIS month’s theme is PRACTICAL HOLIDAYS STUFF. The team is coming together to answer your questions about things your family never taught you / that are a mystery in the sense of “how the heck do I do that?” How do you cook a turkey, wrap a present really nice, or make the perfect pie crust? When is the best time to salt your sidewalk anyway? (Nico will be happy to talk about the nuances of snow clearing and salting.) How the heck do you go for walks when it’s so icy? Do you need suggestions for activities to do with kids? Our favorite no-fail cookie or latke or Yule log recipes or tips? What should you make for the vegan in your life who’s coming over to celebrate with you? How do you deal with X relatives or X family dynamic? What about how do you split your time among everyone who wants a piece of you when you go visit your home town? Get those questions in by Tuesday, December 5th! Go! Do it! This will publish on the 16th!

The general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic, publish on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

Hi advice squad,
I just got out of a 7 year relationship that, sexually, dried up at the end. I’m dealing with fallout of all kinds and don’t know that I feel ready to have sex just yet. But when I do, I know there’s a lot I want to try and a lot of people I want to try it with. Basically I want to be a big slut. Can you give me some tips on how to have safer sex out in the world?
Thanks, you all are the best.

A:

Vanessa: I’m SO excited for you! I’m really sorry to hear about the fallout from your breakup, but I truly love your ~big slut energy~ and am so, so, so excited for you to live your big slut dreams. Since your specific question is asking about how to have safer sex, I’m going to focus on that, though if you feel like a slutty anthem personal essay to kick off your slut era, I must be so bold as to recommend my own ~big slut energy~ post from 2019: How I Claimed Being Thirsty as a Personal Lifestyle and Learned to Live My Dreams.

Okay, moving on to the tips!

1. Communicate: I know it’s like, our #1 go to advice, but that’s because it’s genuinely so important. How do you let your new sex partners know what you like/dislike? Communicate! How do you learn what they’re into/not into? Communicate! How do you share your own sexual health information and ask about theirs? How do you navigate Covid safety boundaries? How do you explore kinks, safely fuck and play, etc etc etc etc? Yep, you guessed it, communication. So that’s the number one.

2. Get tested regularly! It’s easy to take sexual health for granted in monogamous relationships, especially when you stop having sex, but when you’re regularly dating and fucking different people it is important to be responsible about testing. This both helps destigmatize STIs and viruses (there’s no shame in your test results, it’s just information you then have to work with) and makes it so that everyone involved in having sex can make choices based on all the information at hand. So get tested and then talk about it openly! Before fucking a new person I like to say “I last got tested for STIs on [insert date] and these are my results. What about you?” If the person hasn’t gotten tested recently I’ll ask that we use barriers until they do or decide to engage in kink activities that don’t involve sharing fluids. I also like to test for COVID a few hours before a new date/sex event, and obviously would cancel if I tested positive. I text about that boundary in advance because if someone tests positive for COVID I’m going to cancel the date rather than modify the kinds of sex we have.

3. Be open minded but don’t cross your own boundaries: My favorite t-shirt in the whole world is one my girlfriend used to own that says BE A SLUT DO WHATEVER YOU WANT and I love it because it both celebrates slutdom and also celebrates autonomy (the unspoken part of the shirt is obviously AS LONG AS THE PERSON YOU ARE BEING SLUTTY WITH CONSENTS AND WANTS TO DO THE SAME THING). It feels like giving the middle finger to society — whatever slutty sexual adventure you want to go on, as long as the other person/people involved are down, it’s yours for the taking! Fuck what society expects us to want! We want it all! The coolest thing about being a slut, in my opinion, is having an open mind about sex and sexual acts that you never even thought of before. It really turns me on to do things that turn my partner on, which has led me down some delightful roads I never would’ve found on my own desire map. That said, the best part of “do whatever you want” is its counterpart which is: don’t do whatever you don’t want. Check in with yourself regularly to see if you’re encountering hard no’s in your sexual life, and honor those feelings. Maybe you started fucking someone new and for whatever reason you’re just not feeling it anymore. Maybe you thought you wanted to engage in a specific sex act and now you’re unsure. That information is just as important as what you definitely DO want to do, and I encourage you to make sure you don’t cross your own boundaries in your new slutty endeavors.

Good luck out there, and mazel! You’re about to have so much fun.

Q2:

Hi, all!
I recently met someone I had an instant connection with and immediately developed a huge crush on. However, she is in a monogamous relationship with her very nice fiance and is definitely not interested. We’ve become very close friends in a very short amount of time and, while I don’t expect anything out of this relationship other than friendship, I’m still struggling with that initial attraction I felt. Ideally, I’d set boundaries for myself in terms of how often I hang out with her but we work together so I see her pretty much every day regardless. I genuinely value the friendship a lot and don’t want to lose it. But I’m not sure how to approach this in a way that’s healthy for me. Even if I didn’t think telling her how I feel would be a selfish choice, it would mean an immediate end to the friendship anyway.

Do I wait it out and hope the feelings dissipate? Try dating other people in the hopes that it will help me move on? Am I fooling myself into thinking these feelings will eventually fade and the friendship can remain intact?

A:

Vanessa: Ugh, that is rough. I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re fooling yourself into thinking these feelings will eventually fade — I agree with you, I think they will. I am very much of the school of thought that we are more in control of our emotions/crushes than we sometimes think we are, and I think you have responded to this situation really reasonably. You don’t want to break up this person’s relationship, you understand it’s not going to happen between the two of you, you’re still attracted to her, you’re bummed. That’s so fair. I think continuing to be honest with yourself about those feelings AND moving forward with your life are how you eventually get over this. Date other people, yes. Look for other people to develop crushes on, yes. Keep things very professional with this person, yes. Limit your communications even in the context of working together — try to cool it a bit, whatever that looks like for you, and acknowledge that internal boundary with yourself, yes! Eventually you will meet someone new to crush on deeply, eventually you will date someone new, and these feelings will pass. By managing them on your own you are protecting your friendship with this person, and it’s honestly very cool and very mature. I’m proud of you! And I’m sending good vibes for the universe to send you a new crush ASAP!

Casey: I totally agree with Vanessa in that I don’t think you’re fooling yourself by imagining these crush feelings will fade. I have myself indeed had this experience of initially being very attracted to someone and not acting / not wanting to act on it for various reasons and over time – especially with not spending a lot of time with this person – the crush did fade. I guess the really tricky thing about your situation is that you work together. I think this means you really have to cool it for a while on the outside of work friendship because you’re already around her a lot. Is there a way you can limit being alone with her at work? Can you dive into a new hobby outside of work? Can you ask your friends to set you up with any new cuties they know? Can you explore online dating? Just some ideas for focusing on other stuff / other people. Oh, and one more sort of random piece of advice: try not to imagine / think of her when you’re masturbating, if you do that. In my experience, that tends to fan the flame when you want that flame to die! Good luck friend.

Himani: I really appreciate and second a lot of what’s been said. I want to offer you some really specific strategies that may help with dealing with the situation.

First, I am strongly of the belief that we don’t have to give voice to or act on every single feeling and crush we have and that in a work setting it is usually better not to. That said, I think finding outlets outside of your workplace and professional colleagues to talk about the situation with can be helpful. Your friends might give you additional perspective on the situation, your feelings, or the person in question, and they might give you a reality check when you think you’ve set a boundary for yourself but the follow through is a little lacking. I don’t say this in a judgemental way — I’ve recently found myself in a somewhat related, albeit different situation — and it can be really hard to navigate on your own. So seek out your community and network outside of work to help you work through your feelings and also give you a bit of a reality check when needed because I think everyone can get caught up in the comforting feelings of a crush.

Second, in terms of your work interactions with this person, if you need to, keep it strictly professional for a while. This is where I think there may actually be a value in saying to this person, “I really value our friendship, but I noticed that I’m starting to develop feelings that are a little more, and so in order to preserve that friendship and also our working relationship, I’d like to take a little space from our friendship and focus on being strictly professional for a while.” Establish clear boundaries, ask them for their boundaries, and also check-in as needed so you can reconnect as friends when you’re ready. That said, if you are positioned senior to this person in the workplace hierarchy make sure you know your HR rules before you say this. Following up on what Darcy said above, if this person is a real friend, they should be able to take in that information with grace, rather than being freaked out by it. Part of the reason I’m suggesting this is because if you shift into a more strictly work-based relationship the person may feel like you’ve suddenly cut them off with no explanation, which can be hurtful in a different way. But you need to be very careful in your framing that you’re not trying to ask them out or something and are fully respectful of their relationship.

Third, if you feel like you can maintain a friendly dynamic, then maybe adopt some language that will clearly draw boundaries for yourself around what this relationship is. I started a new job earlier this year, and there was someone on my team that I thought was pretty cute when I met them. But for a lot of reasons (including workplace hierarchy and the fact that said person is in a relationship), I immediately shut this down and also could not entertain a conversation with them about it, even to create space. Which isn’t to say I shoved the feelings away and pretended they didn’t exist. Instead, I called them “my sister” in my head and moved on with my life. That kind of framing helped me work through the feelings and keep in mind my own personal boundaries around the relationship.

As with everything, with time and space, I do believe the feelings will fade.

Q3:

A close friend (we used to talk daily) recently and rather abruptly said they’d be off the grid while traveling for a while and said they found it stressful to be asked where they were headed, how they were, etc, and that because they’d traveled solo before they were fine. I felt puzzled but have respected their boundaries; I stopped reaching out, and they’ve lately begun interacting a bit with me on social media and I’ve done the same. We haven’t had a convo since those texts.

I’m going to respect their boundaries and keep giving them space. But I’ve come to the worrying realization that they might be lying about traveling, or at least, that they did travel a bit but they seem to actually be home already, and have been for a bit. I can see this from their social media (which they know I can see, we’re mutuals). I get the impression they don’t want to be in touch/friends the way we were before and that they’re talking about phone detoxing while traveling solo etc as an excuse.

I’m going to keep respecting the boundaries regardless, and I know they can change our friendship level/communication/etc whenever they want. Emotionally I still feel sad and confused and wish I knew what had happened or where their head is at. I feel like I lost a close friend out of left field.

The simplest solution, I think, is for me to just wait quietly and see if they come back around. But even if they do, I really do feel hurt, and it makes me wonder if I know them at all or if I was wrong about our friendship. It’s soured now and I’m bummed :/

A:

Casey: Friend, I am so sorry this happened. It sounds so confusing and hurtful. Now that you’re a little bit in contact with this person, you have two realistic options: either bring up your worries and hurt feelings in order to try to repair the friendship, or don’t and let the friendship go. I am not inclined to think your friendship will survive trying to rekindle it after this situation and never discussing it. You just can’t have that kind of closeness with a friend and have a big unanswered question like that looming over your head. So trying to be their friend and ignoring the hurt is not a good option. Sharing your hurt with them and asking for some context or explanation is really scary, though. If you think about doing that, how does it make you feel? How would you feel if they shared that they wanted space from the friendship? How would you feel if they didn’t respond? Is there anything they could say that would make you feel safe rekindling the friendship? On the flip side, how would you feel never knowing what exactly happened if you let the friendship fade? I think your path depends on how you answer those questions. And just know that there are other potential new friends out there who will value you and your friendship and respect you in a way this friend didn’t. 💜💜

Abeni: I think you’re right and this person doesn’t have the strength to tell you they don’t want to be friends with you anymore, so they’re “slow ghosting” you. That can hurt. You might ask yourself: is it because I did something wrong? Because I’m weird or broken or a bad person? Do I deserve this? Probably no to all those questions. Not all people who are or were close can or should remain that way. Some friendships come and go. People change and want different things out of their relationships. You don’t have to wait around and find out if they’ll reach back out – this friendship isn’t up to them. It’s up to the both of you. You get to decide what kinds of relationships you want in your life, too. First, ask yourself if you want to be close friends with someone who behaves like this – someone who either lies about their intentions or is such a bad communicator that you have no idea what’s going on in your relationship with them. If not, then the friendship is over as soon as you decide it is. If you do still want to be in relationship with them, then in my opinion the most mature way to approach this is directly. Ask them directly if they want to change and/or end the friendship, but like Casey said, be prepared to hear the truth.

Vanessa: I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this question since I read it, so first of all I just want you to know that you’re on my mind and I am holding your hurt in my heart and I am really sorry you’re experiencing this. I think Casey and Abeni have given really solid advice, so I will just add a little bit of additional musing here… I have spent so much of my adult life focusing on friendship, and in that time I have loved and lost some very dear friends. The reasons for the losses are different — one or two big fights, but just as often, a small series of misunderstandings, life shifts and circumstances, and sometimes, yes, the giant unknown. To feel far away from someone you used to feel incredibly close to is jarring, disorienting, and as you identified, very sad. Those emotions are valid and real, and I think you acknowledging them is a huge part of the answer to this question. I do want to suggest that it’s possible something is going on in your friend’s life that is really much less about you and more about them, and while it would be ideal for them to be able to communicate this, it’s very very very likely that this rupture is not your fault. As such, there’s potentially nothing to get to the bottom of — this might just be a sad reality. Of course, it’s possible that your friend was hurt by something you did — we just don’t have enough info. But I do think Abeni’s point about taking stock of whether YOU want to be friends with someone who can’t be upfront with communicating with you is a good one. I also think — and this is after a lot of reflection on my own life — sometimes relationships just shift. Friendship is so strange because it doesn’t follow the script of nuclear family relationships or romantic relationships — there’s an idea that a friendship is static and that’s just not true. I have friends I spoke to a lot while grieving my dad who I speak to less now, because that initial spark of pain is no longer binding us and our day to days are not similar. I have friends who I used to speak to daily and for a variety of reasons we don’t anymore. I miss those friends — a lot, to be honest! — but it doesn’t feel like the friendship is over. It has simply shifted into something else, and while it makes me sad, it is also… okay. I don’t know if these musings directly address your query here — I know a friend explicitly asking for space and potentially lying about their whereabouts is not the same as a natural shift — but in some ways, it’s a similar outcome. Can you continue to hold space for this friend in the capacity they have to show up right now, or is it healthier for your own feelings to think of the friendship as over or forever changed? You get to make those decisions. I’m very sorry you have to. <3

Q4:

I am some sort of genderqueer/butch human, struggling with navigating gender identity and being bi(romantic). I’m somewhere on the demi/ace spectrum (I’ve fallen in love with cis men in the past, generally need emotional connection to feel physically attracted, and am somewhat sex repulsed). I’m struggling to figure out who I’m attracted to. Often I feel attracted to cis(het?) men, or more masc presenting people. But I’ve struggled with being on dating apps because of being demi and because as a butch person, I rarely match with cis men or other masc people. And in person, I mostly have my eye caught by cis men. (But do I want to BE them, or date them? Whomst knows? And am I attracted to them? Or find them aesthetically pleasing? Or?). I guess I’m struggling with: can I be butch and date men? How do I do that without by default being seen or treated as “the woman” in the relationship? Does dating men make me a fake queer? Or am I actually just a gay boy? *confused screams*

A:

Casey: Oof these are big questions that only you ultimately can decide and that might not stay the same throughout your lifetime, but I wanted to recommend a book by a writer who seems to have similar experiences as you. Like a Boy But Not a Boy by andrea bennett explores some of their experiences as a masc nonbinary person who is attracted to men and has a cis male partner. I keenly remember them sharing in one essay about confusingly googling something like “can you be a straight butch?” as a young person. If nothing else, I think their writing will make you feel less alone! Also: you are absolutely NOT a fake queer. Your queer identity is yours alone and does not depend on who you are dating. (Trust me, as a bi person I feel this point very strongly). Have you read any books about ace identities and different types of attraction? They might help you parse through those feelings of thinking about aesthetic vs. romantic, etc. attraction. I have recommended Ace by Angela Chen a few times and I’m going to recommend it again!

Ro: You can absolutely be a masculine-presenting person who dates men sometimes or all the time, and doing so doesn’t invalidate your gender identity or expression or your place in the LGBTQ+ community. Does your interest in men mean you’re a gay boy? Nope, not necessarily. But if you want to experiment with your gender identity a bit and see how that feels, go for it! The key word here is “experiment.” In an era of queer microlabels, so many of us feel like we have to know and articulate exactly what our gender is and exactly what our sexuality is RIGHT NOW. But you don’t have to know right now or ever! You are allowed to try moving through the world in different ways throughout your life. You are allowed to date and flirt with different kinds of people and see where that goes. And if you do end up dating more men, I think the best way to avoid “being the woman” in the relationship is to clearly articulate how you’d like to be treated up front. You can also intentionally seek out men who are bi, queer, trans, or gender non-conforming, since they might be more open-minded about gender roles in relationships.

I love Casey’s reading recommendations, and I have another one for you: Tomboyland by Melissa Faliveno, a masculine-presenting person who writes about relationships with men. I hope reading about folks who’ve asked themselves similar questions helps you feel less alone.

Nico: I am here to recommend a listen to (or read of the transcript) for the Wait Is This A Date episode with Gaby Dunn, which is literally entitled “Dating Men.” I think you might find it helpful!

Q5:

Anybody have advice for journaling? I’m not very good at it but I feel like I should be journaling? Every queer I know is doing it to process complicated feelings and stuff like that. I feel like I could benefit from that. I feel overwhelmed all the time. But whenever I try to journal I just don’t know what to write or I get bored of it quick.

A:

Meg: I feel this so hard! Journaling has always seemed like such a romantic notion to me: having a private record of feelings and events, being able to trace back through memories, working through delicate or complex feelings in a distinct space. But I don’t think it’s unusual to have trouble sticking with journaling as a regular practice – we’re all built differently, and what works for one queer might not work for another.

I think it’s honestly fine to only journal when you feel like it. But if you want to try something more consistent, I’ve seen a number of journals that include prompts for exploring various things, so if there’s something that you specifically want support around exploring or writing through, those might be useful! For me, the best way I’ve found to do a bit of personal writing every morning is actually in pulling tarot cards and journaling about what they bring up for me. If you’re not a tarot reader, you might like using oracle cards, or you could try bibliomancy (grabbing a book, pulling it open to a random page, pointing at a random sentence, and writing about it) or shuffling a music playlist and writing about whatever comes forward when you listen to it.

You might also prefer not physically writing, but instead like typing or voice memos or doodling instead. I love to create voice memos when I’m brainstorming something or trying to sort something out, but when I’m not ready to talk to another person yet — it’s a great way to have a record without having to wait for your written words to catch up with your mind. I use the JustPressRecord app (looks like it’s iPhone only right now) because it will create an AI transcript when I want one.

Again, if journaling doesn’t actually feel good for you, you don’t have to do it! But trying some of these ideas out might scratch that itch, even if the practice you develop isn’t an everyday one.

Ro: I love Meg’s ideas (and I especially love the idea of using a transcription app! That had never occurred to me!). I’ve struggled with journaling in the past because A) my brain moves faster than my hands and B) I also deal with chronic hand pain, which makes it hard to physically write things out (and sometimes typing fast is hard, too). When I do write things out on a page, I mostly write bulleted lists instead of paragraphs (so maybe a list of things I’m feeling, a list of things that happened today, a list of things I’m grateful for, pros and cons of a decision I’m struggling to make, etc.). Letting go of the pressure to write in a narrative format has helped me actually journal on a regular basis. Maybe writing out lists could help you journal consistently, too (and, like Meg said, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it!).

Himani: I don’t journal consistently, but I still find it valuable. Sometimes, like you, I struggle with what I should write. Mostly, I try to write how I’m feeling which will often start with my usual “frustrated”, “bored”, or “angry” but as I force myself to continue writing usually I am able to get something out of the experience. If I’m really struggling, I’ll follow up with “why am I feeling [frustrated/bored/angry]” or if I’m feeling overwhelmed I’ll ask myself that question. Sometimes just writing the question and then trying to write the answer (even if it includes phrases like “I don’t know” or “ah fuck this”, etc.) can help me eventually get to what’s really going on. When it’s really feeling like pulling teeth, I’ll try to get myself to write for at least a set amount of time or for a set number of pages before calling it. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I personally, don’t think the consistency is a requisite, but when I was doing it a little bit every few days, that did help me get past the initial obstacles.

Vanessa: I LOVE everyone else’s advice, and want to assure you you’re not alone — I too love the *idea* of journaling but somehow just have never been able to stick with the actual reality of it. That said, I do have one style of journaling that I love and that I want to share — I learned it from T Kira Madden in a writing craft class in grad school, and I’ve since asked many of my own students to do this. Introducing: observation journals! This is exactly what it sounds like — you literally just keep a notebook of observations. When I’m being diligent about this I aim for 10 a day, but you could do 1 a day, or 5 a week, or whatever feels good to you. This is useful for writing, of course — I always tell my students that to be a good writer it helps to be observant of the world around you — but it’s also useful for just being a person. We would all do well to notice the things around us, and observation journaling makes space for that without the pressure of like, Unpacking All Your Inner Thoughts. Just observe the world and write a bit of it down — the colors of the sunset, the tone of your friend when she picks up the phone, some snippet of conversation you hear on the bus, the way your head feels first thing when you wake up, the shape of your date’s lips, etc etc etc etc. Observe. Write it down. Congrats, you’re journaling!

Darcy: Hello! Everyone’s suggestions are so good, and I wanted to add a couple more. One is to write a lot of email drafts you don’t send. These can be addressed to anybody or to nobody. This was the only way I managed to journal or write fiction for several years, and it worked! Another is to turn on Voice Memos when you’re driving, and talk out loud – it’s similar to transcription, which was suggested above, but instead, you can listen later and decide what to transcribe. This one is helpful if you sometimes think things out when you’re driving, like me!

Q6:

I really don’t like showers. I don’t enjoy the feeling of wet water on my skin, and I *loathe* the feeling of stepping out all wet and having to dry off. When I have to take a shower I usually dread it and procrastinate. Then when I’m in it I dread having to step out. Because I am an anxious overthinker, and showers are boring, I usually distract myself from the wet feeling by running through all the things I need to do or writing emails/rehearsing future conversations in my head, so by the time I step out I’m frustrated and stressed. My partner loves showers, which I cannot understand? Apparently people love showers? Do you have any advice for how I too can love showers?? (Or at least dislike them a little less?)

A:

Ro: I think you have three options here: 1) shower more efficiently and/or 2) opt for different distractions while you shower and/or 3) change the way you get yourself clean.

I don’t know what your specific body care needs are. Some people shave their legs/pits/pubic area or have super long hair, which makes showering take more time. If you’re willing to quit shaving (or reduce the number of times you shave) or opt for a shorter haircut (back when I had a buzzcut, my showers were LIGHTNING FAST) or limit your hair washing to every other shower or once a week (or really, whatever you can get away with before your hair feels greasy and uncomfortable), that’s going to save you lots of time. You can also use multi-purpose products so you’re not fumbling around for a separate body wash, face wash, shampoo, and conditioner. There are lots of body wash/shampoo combos (I use Everyone 3in1 Soap on my body and my hair) and shampoo/conditioner combos — you’ll just have to do a little research to find one that works for your skin/hair type.. And if you don’t like the feeling of wet hair post-shower, use a blow dryer! I use one even though my hair is pretty short — I get cold when my hair is wet.

It sounds like the way you’re distracting yourself in the shower is really stressing you out! Put on some music or a podcast and focus on that instead. You can get a shower speaker or just play something on your phone. If you’re a podcast person, choose a fascinating or suspenseful podcast that you only let yourself listen to during your shower and while you’re drying off and getting dressed. That way, you’ll get to look forward to part of your shower routine.

You can also totally change the way you get yourself clean. I know different people feel different ways about this, but I don’t think you have to shower every single day unless you tend to get really sweaty or unless being freshly showered and clean is something that helps you show up in the world with confidence. If you think you can shower every other day or every few days and still feel okay, you can just wash your face and armpits with a washcloth on the in-between days to keep yourself fresh. You can also use dry shampoo on your hair if it’s getting greasy. And this might be a terrible suggestion, but I’m wondering: does being submerged in water feel better to you than being pummeled with little droplets of water in the shower? If so, then consider becoming a bath person!

I also want to address your question: “Do you have any advice for how I too can love showers??” This is a tough one to answer, because most of the extra flair that makes me love showering also draws out the experience. For you, I’d recommend getting shower products that smell nice (if you do okay with fragrances), adding some pleasant mood lighting to your bathroom (or try showering by candlelight), or seeking out ways to make your bathroom feel like a safe, comfortable, aesthetically-pleasing place. I have a couple of hanging plants in my bathroom, and I love looking at them while I shower. I hope these ideas help!

Abeni: I love this because I and everyone I’ve ever met loves showers and now I’m wondering … why? The experience of getting out wet and drying off is kind of terrible, especially if it’s cold! But I love showers because they are warm and cozy and I can zone out and I feel like the water warms me up and gets me ready for the day. My partner showers mostly at night (though sometimes twice a day!) because it calms her down and helps her get ready for bed. Do you feel like you have to shower at a particular time? Try switching it up.

Also, depending on your hair texture and type, you do not need to wash your hair every shower. I wash my hair once a week. And that is my Very Long Shower of the week – it takes me 30 minutes or so just to shampoo, condition, and detangle my very curly hair. When I’m not washing my hair, my showers could be as short as five minutes, because all I do is wash my face and my pits, crotch, and ass – and give my arms and legs a quick scrub. My other advice, though: when I’m done with my shower, I use my hands as a “squeegee” to wipe all of the water off of my arms, shoulders, midsection, and legs onto the floor of the shower. I do this because it’s efficient so my towel has to do less work, but it might help with that feeling you get when you come out of the shower sopping wet.

Vanessa: Ro gave some incredibly detailed advice, and Abeni made some great points too, so I am not going to linger too long on the “how” but rather want to absolve you from one concern: at the end of your question you say “Do you have any advice for how I too can love showers?? (Or at least dislike them a little less?)” and I just want to validate that it’s totally fine if you hate showers forever. I hate showers, and I try my best to just sort of check them off my to do list when they need to happen. I also don’t love brushing my teeth, and that’s fine. We don’t always love the stuff we have to do to maintain our human forms, and I find that when I try to force myself to love a thing I truly hate, it just stresses me out more. So while I hope you do find some relief from the tips above, I also just want to offer that accepting your hatred of showers is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Cherish the things YOU love, don’t worry about trying to force yourself to love the stuff other people love. Just get that shit done so you can move on to the stuff you actually adore.

Nico: One final silly / basic tip, and apologies if you do this already. Have you tried positioning your towel (or getting a hanger so you can do this) near enough to the shower that you can grab it after you turn the water off but before stepping out? This way, you can stay somewhat warm with the steam and everything in the shower itself and dry off before actually stepping out. Bonus points if you have a radiator or something you can warm the towel on.

Q7:

Is it possible to become a person who has an easier time falling in love and getting attracted to people? I feel like I’m surrounded by queers who (truly happily) bounce from one satisfying crush or relationship to the next and can see attractive and lovable qualities in tons of people. I feel like I’ve only ever been MADLY attracted to one person and in love with one person. And these were two different people. I just …I really want to get married and it feels impossible. It feels impossible that i’d look at one person and just feel zero doubts and 100% love, desire and commitment. I used to think this was cos I’m poly-inclined, but that doesn’t seem quite enough to explain it. I’ve been on dates with close to 100 women I think, and slept with about half that number. And I’m just…so bored by everyone. I never feel unreservedly passionately INTO someone whilst also thinking that they embody the qualities/identities/values that I know I want in a partner. It’s like I can have either/or. I can be hot for someone totally unsuitable, or I can find someone who ticks a lot of boxes but having sex is like reading the most boring section of the newspaper (sports). I’m in therapy, I go to my little activities and cultural events, I see my friends, I work out, I study, I work. And yet I’m so deeply unstimulated because I don’t have a partner who sets me alight and who fits me and sees me. I don’t want to die like this. I feel like I’m dead inside. Help.

A:

Himani: There’s a lot going on here, and I’m going to try to address some of it. As Abeni says below, you’re placing too much emphasis and expectation on what a relationship is and how much it can “fulfill” you. I recently wrote a You Need Help reply about being single and finding meaning in many places and many relationships in life that I think might be useful to you, not just the article itself but the rich discussion in the comments.

But I also want to push you a bit. I can tell that you’re struggling in your letter, but the way you’re talking about the relationships you’ve been in and what you’re looking for from other people feels kind of selfish to me. The sentence, “I’m just…so bored by everyone” really rubs me the wrong way. Maybe you didn’t mean it that way, but it really implies that you think other people exist in the world solely for your interest and preoccupation. And on that front, I really encourage you to read the essay “The Theory of Visitors” by Sam Lansky. A lot of what you’re expressing in your letter really reminded me of Lansky’s essay about his struggle to make real and intimate connections with others as he went on endless dates and hookups because at some point he just started seeing other people as a means to an end. (Side note, credits to Natalie for helping me find this essay with the scantest of recollections of it.)

Maybe I’m misreading what you’re saying, but there’s a lot in the second half of your question that, to me, feels pretty dismissive of other people, including the ones who you are theoretically in community with via the “little activities” you participate in. I really encourage you to challenge where that framing is coming from, because it might help you solve some of the other problems you’re writing about.

Abeni:: +1 to Himani’s response. Also, I want to address this: “It feels impossible that I’d look at one person and just feel zero doubts and 100% love, desire and commitment.” You’re right. That is impossible. Letting go of that impossible standard of love might be exactly what you need to do. Love isn’t when you meet someone and everything is perfect and easy. If it feels “maddening,” that’s not love but infatuation. Also, ask yourself why you want to get married. Based on this question, it seems like you think marriage is something you will get a lot out of. But I don’t think that’s true. Marriage is pleasurable because it’s something you put a lot into.

You’re thinking a lot about whether the other people you’re sleeping with and/or dating are right for you, but are you considering whether you’re right for them? Are you the kind of person that they would feel less doubt about and want to commit to? Are you practiced in the art of loving, empathizing, paying attention to, and caring deeply about others? Because in my experience whether you’re working on those things is a better predictor of whether you have a fulfilling love life than whether your partner ticks boxes. Instead of worrying about whether other people have the qualities you’re looking for in a partner, try to work on the qualities you have in a partner. Maybe someone will come to you when you attract them.

Finally, I think it’s normal to date 100 people and sleep with 50 of them and not actually really like any of them. The issue is in perspective: if you’re out there sleeping around because it’s fun and you can make friends (my best friend today is someone I hooked up with twice 10+ years ago during my slut period, and we realized that we were compatible as friends rather than lovers!) then it’s all good. If you’re looking for a life partner, then I think you should follow Himani’s and my advice above: work on yourself, and love will come or it won’t. You’re simultaneously casting too wide a net and your expectations are too high.

Q8:

Any hair styling product advice for folks with short hair and scent sensitivities? I’m looking for something medium-ish hold with low shine (like a paste/cream). I keep trying different products but even some that I smell in the store that don’t seems super scented end up really messing with me once they’re in my hair all day so close to my face!

A:

Ro: I don’t have any specific products to recommend (because you’re totally right — it’s hard to find hair products without a strong fragrance!), but I do have a wild card idea: Have you considered making your own hair paste/gel? Hair products don’t seem to bother me too much, but I do have really sensitive skin — so I end up making a lot of my own body products (like chapstick and body butter) using simple ingredients. A few years ago, I wanted to try making all of my own body products, so I made flaxseed hair gel. It was easy and it worked okay — but it didn’t have enough hold for my somewhat-thick hair, so I ended up switching back to store bought products after a while. However, it really helped define my waves! And I’m pretty sure it made my hair grow faster, too. If your hair isn’t especially thick and you’re wanting more of a defining gel, this might work for you, as long as you’re not allergic to flaxseed. Here’s a tutorial.

Himani: Not sure if this will fit the bill for what you’re looking for and your hair texture, but I rely solely on a smear of coconut oil in my hair. It doesn’t really have much in the way of hold but the scent isn’t noticeable at all once it’s in my hair and it keeps it hydrated. I put it in right after coming out of the shower when my hair is wet, which allows me to style my hair with the oil.

Q9:

Hi!

I’m at a crossroads.

For the past 3 years, I’ve been on disability payments from the government for bipolar disorder.

For the past few weeks, I have been wanting to get back into working, and my main reason for this is to increase my appeal when meeting people.

I’m 33, and love women. I’ve never had a serious relationship. I’ve never even kissed a girl.

Part of me thinks I’ll only be seriously considered if I 1) had a job and 2) a high paying job, in addition to all the other things that people are looking for in a potential partner.

Am I being too strict on myself for having this belief of mine?

I just would feel so much more happy if I could provide for a family and spoil someone I love. I love to give.

A:

Abeni: I think you should take everything that part of you says with a grain of salt. Is it true that there will be plenty of people out there who won’t want to date someone with a disability that prevents them from working a “standard” or “high paying” job? Yes. Are those the kind of people you want to be attracting? I’m doubtful. I know you’re not saying this, but something subtextual I’m reading is that you feel like if you were better able to hide your disability, you’d have more likelihood of finding a partner. Assuming that your disability claim is legit, and working a standard job is hazardous to your health, what you’re suggesting is choosing to suffer greatly because you think it will attract a girlfriend. It’s true that many women suffer in order to attract partners, and that they do this for a reason. But you need to think about what kinds of partners you’d attract.

I think you’re better off working on making sure you’re kind, generous, interesting, confident, and self-fulfilled (those are more attractive qualities than “has a job” or “makes good money” to the people who would make good partners!), and work on making some friends and meeting new people, and you’ll likely find a partner who’s a good fit. Rather than trying to crush yourself into a certain kind of box because most people tend to like people who fit into that box. You don’t have to be “normal” to love or be loved, and you don’t have to love or be loved romantically to be happy. When you are the best version of yourself you can be, you will attract the best kind of partner for yourself.

Himani: I really agree with Abeni’s advice. I also want to acknowledge that there is a hard truth in your logic that being employed and having a high paying job would make you more attractive to a wider pool of potential partners. I know we’ve had people write into this advice box before seeking guidance on dating with a disability and the discrimination and struggles they have faced in dating. As someone who’s not disabled, I can’t offer you really specific or concrete advice on what dating will look like for you, and I encourage readers to offer their perspectives from their experiences in the comments. But I do want to validate where you’re coming from. Dating is incredibly brutal and demotivating these days, I find, and I think there’s a lot of ugly biases that people allow themselves to hold under the pretext of “I’m attracted to who I’m attracted to,” which, of course, disproportionately harms some communities more than others.

Ultimately, though, I think that Abeni is right. The question you have to ask yourself is if you would want to be with such a person? Would you want to be with a person who measures other people’s worth on the basis of their income and employment? To speak from my own experience, sometimes, with dating, I feel frustrated because it feels like people don’t even give me a chance. They might write me off as too serious or too weird and quirky or whatever other initial assessment they make of me, and it’s hard not to feel like, “But if only they would give me a chance, we would be great together!” But the truth is, the fact that they are acting on their initial judgment of me means that they’re never going to really see me or value me for who I am. And I think that in a way, the situation you’re in kind of boils down to something similar.

I’m sorry if all of that sounds hard and discouraging, and I by no means am saying that dating will not work out for you. I just think you should make decisions around your employment that are grounded in what is best for you in your life, not what will be most attractive to the faceless swath of potential dates. And beyond that, keep putting yourself out there and hopefully someone will be interested in you for you and not because of where you work or how much money you make.

And as a general note, I just want to add that I think we all need to move away from making employment (and education, ie “where did you go to college?”) a default ice breaker in dating and, really, any social setting. There’s more to all of us than where we went to school and what we do and don’t do for a living, and I think there’s a lot of ways in which we can judge people wrongly based on those parts of their lives. Not everyone has a job, and not everyone loves their job, but everyone sure has things they do love doing and things that align with their values and that’s what we should really be trying to get to know about each other on dates.

Nico: I also want to weigh in here and note that while it’s certainly true that there are a set of people who require a partner to have certain career aspirations and a certain level of income, that doesn’t seem like a good fit for you? So, plus 1 to Himani and Abeni because I just don’t know if expanding your dating pool to include those people is helpful? If you want to try working for other reasons including because you think it might be healthy for you (IF here — only you can ultimately determine this), well that’s completely fine and is about what is right for you, but as with almost anything, doing something that is just intended to attract a partner won’t make you happy in the long run. It’s so trite but I feel like you want someone who likes you for YOU, not for how much money you can bring in. There are also so many ways to spoil a partner that do not have to do with buying things. If you’re not able to work full-time, then you can divert hours toward making things, toward acts of service, toward baking or cooking — there are so many ways to spoil someone. Buying stuff is not what gives you value. You are a valuable whole person, with or without a job.

Now, you didn’t say this, but if a concern is meeting women, then I think that committing to some low-stakes volunteering might be helpful for you, if it’s possible for you to do that. The more you can put yourself out there and expand your social network, the more likely you are to meet someone compatible. Everyone in this advice box keeps talking about how online dating is a hellscape right now, so I just want to emphasize that if you can, finding ways to diversify the ways you spend your days and to socialize with people who share your values can help you find potential dates, maybe not right away, but perhaps in the long run.

Q10:

I need help putting clothes on my body! I’ve always been not super feminine (in the ways my western culture deems it) in terms of style…I don’t like frills or ruffles or lace or baby doll collars (that’s a thing right?). I don’t do bright red lipsticks. I enjoy a dress here and there and sometimes a skirt. But I also don’t like the more masculine type of looks. I like when my pants are more fitted and I don’t like button ups or suit jackets. Part of this all is a sensory thing. A lot of this stuff just doesn’t feel good on my body. I’ve also always dealt with a lot of body image stuff and part of me feels weird highlighting my body in ways. This past year I’ve started to realize more that there are very specific bits I don’t want to highlight. I’m okay with tight pants and leggings and short shorts and highlighting my ass and my legs and my arms are fine and I’ll even rock a crop top. Anything hugging my boobs though or making those pop and I can’t handle it. I’ve also lost a ton of weight recently and stuff just doesn’t fit right and the thought of buying new stuff and trying stuff on while not having a clue what to look for just makes me avoid the whole process. Can you help me?! What styles can I try?! I wanna look good but I wanna feel like me and feel okay in my skin and body. And how do I find clothes when my body just feels so weird at times.

I’d love any and all help but I’d especially love to hear from fellow queers with sensory struggles.
Thank you!

A:

Abeni: I don’t have the best answer ever, but I am trans, so I have a lot of feelings about clothes and how they fit and what parts of my body they highlight, and I am more androgynous in style than feminine or masculine, so maybe I can have some insight. I think I’ve finally found a personal clothing style that works (and it took until my 30s to get here). I found that looking good comes naturally with the confidence that comes from feeling OK in my skin and body! So much “feminine” stuff is just uncomfortable for me. But so much “masculine” stuff just feels lumpy and doesn’t make me feel good either. I wanna be casual and comfortable but not messy or unpolished or whatever. Here’s what I found out works for me!

Essentially, it’s “casual athleisure.” I basically wear high-waisted leggings every day. I have a few pairs of jeans, one skirt, and a couple overalls, but normally I just wear leggings. On top, I go for t-shirts or hoodies. I have a few collared-shirt dresses, a few casual dresses, and a couple fancy dresses for if I am going to a wedding or something. And a few jackets – a faux-leather one, a denim one, a very warm puffer, and a raincoat. I have one pair of shoes for each activity, which totals eight pairs of shoes. And that’s basically it! Something that was huge for me was deciding that I was just going to pick a color I looked good in – for me it’s black – and just have everything be in that color (except for a few other items). So 90% of my clothes are black and casual, and to be honest I think I look great. And everything goes with everything, so I don’t have to stress about whether my “outfit” looks good or matches or whatever. And I feel great. Simplifying everything felt “wrong” to me at first, like I wasn’t doing womanhood or whatever correctly. But I’m so much happier to care less about what I wear both by having fewer options but also by finding a simple, casual style that works for me and not having to worry about it too much!

Nico: It’s so hard to think of like, specific styles without knowing more about you, but I feel like spending some time exploring queer and gender identity tags on Instagram and Tumblr (or Tiktok, too) might be helpful to you. You can see what other people are wearing, what you like about it, what you would try and what you wouldn’t and get some ideas. I also love Abeni’s advice and am kind of a believer in “the uniform.” Once you find something that works for you, you can kind of just do multiple iterations of that singular thing. My girlfriend just has multiples of the same button up because she likes how they fit her and that’s that. So, just here to second Abeni’s advice and reassure you that if you find an outfit style that suits you, there is no need to worry about switching it up every day.

Q11:

How do I do therapy effectively? I hear you all suggest therapy frequently, and I’ve wanted to get into it myself for a while, but location and finances have prevented me from seeing any traditional therapists. With some skepticism, I recently finally decided to give one of the popular subscription messaging therapy apps a try. So far, I’m unimpressed. I’ve only been using it for about a week, but I’ve tried to be open and honest and share with my therapist what I’m looking to work on. In response, I just get short messages such as (paraphrased): “Yes, anxiety can cause those types of thoughts. Have you tried to implement self-talk in the moment by stopping to tell yourself that you know so-and-so isn’t really mad at you?” Seems a bit obvious, and easier said than done! I’ve done plenty of reading online and educating myself and using self-serve therapy tools and that just feels like much more basic advice than I was hoping to get. So I guess my questions are: Have any of you had good or bad experiences with the messaging therapy apps? Is this a common problem early on in all types of therapy and I just need to stick with it? Or am I not sharing the right details with my therapist to get the help I’m looking for? Is this a sign that my therapist just isn’t a good match and I should request a new one (but then I have to start over and repeat everything I’ve already said, so I’m reluctant to do so)? Thank you thank you in advance!

A:

Himani: I’ve never used a messaging therapy app, so I can’t speak to that part of your question specifically. (Although I did some reading in order to write a response to your question and found this article from The Cut pretty eyeopening.) But if you feel that you aren’t getting the kind of engagement and response you’re looking for from the therapist, then I think it may be worth it to ask for a different therapist. If you want to give it one more shot before you start the whole process over again, you might try addressing this with the therapist directly by saying something like, “Thanks for the perspective, but I was really hoping for some more specific guidance or probing questions about my experience.” The other thing that could potentially be going on is that this therapist’s therapeutic approach may not work for you, and so it might be helpful to ask the therapist about that, as it may give you some insight into what you’re looking for versus the kind of engagement they are giving you.

Q12:

bisexual human with a man boyfriend checking in here with bisexual problems! the short of it is, I cut my hair really short last year, and I loved it. I looked like an out queer for the first time in my life, and it was so affirming (and so much easier to deal with, bonus!). but my boyfriend was just, not attracted to me afterwards. he was very kind about it, and made efforts to get over it, and has generally been incredibly affirming of my being bisexual (no weird comments, supportive of me going to pride/lesbian bars etc.), but this was a lot for him and our sex life suffered pretty dramatically. and I don’t blame him! he’s attracted to femme women, and I was looking more like a soft butch. anyway, I’ve since grown my hair out, and am itching for a shorter cut again, but know history will repeat itself. I feel like I need to perform a certain kind of femininity to keep our relationship healthy, and I feel some type of way about that. it feels really silly to consider ending an otherwise very healthy and happy relationship over hair, but I don’t know what to do or how to feel about all this.

A:

Casey: Hi fellow bi friend! I’m so glad you found a haircut that makes you feel like you and affirms your queer identity. Isn’t that the best?? Okay, this is going to be a tough love kind of answer: I think you and your boyfriend should probably break up. As you said, it’s not your boyfriend’s fault if he’s attracted to more femme women. And it’s not your fault either that you don’t want to present as femme. But these two things do not go together. I think framing this issue as a silly thing about hair is not quite accurate. Let me explain.

You deserve a partner who is attracted to and desires you as you, with the haircut and the gender expression that makes you feel attractive and alive and queer as you are. This boyfriend is not that partner. I am quite concerned that you wrote “I feel like I need to perform a certain kind of femininity to keep our relationship healthy.” You should not have to be anyone or perform anything that doesn’t feel right to you in order to keep your relationship intact. Having to do this is not a sign of a healthy relationship. Have you told your boyfriend that you feel that way, that you feel a need to perform femininity to keep him attracted to you and your relationship in a good place? I think if he’s a decent human, he will be upset to hear this! I don’t think the current situation is good for either of you.

I promise, there are a lot of people of all genders who will be very attracted to you with your cute soft butch haircut, and with whom you can be yourself, gender presentation wise and in other ways. Go get them!

Himani: Just want to second Casey’s extremely sage advice here. Towards the end of your letter you wrote, “it feels really silly to consider ending an otherwise very healthy and happy relationship over hair”, but you and I both know that this isn’t just about hair. Don’t downplay the power of owning your own gender expression and finding one that feels comfortable in your skin. I don’t know what this means for your relationship but, as Casey said, at a minimum you need to be honest with your boyfriend about how this situation has made you feel. And ultimately, if it does mean that you have to part ways, I hope you choose yourself and you walk away with your awesome soft butch vibe.

Nico: I am all for reminding people that part of bisexuality is that bisexual people might date someone with a gender and sometimes that gender is man, and sometimes that man is cis and straight and those relationships are legitimate ones for bisexual people to be in!!! That said, friend, I am sorry but I also think you should break up. His attraction to femme women is not some kind of moral failing, you’re right, but it’s clear that you’re both trying to make something work that is likely not going to work long term. If you stay together, one of you is going to be compromising something, and life is too short to compromise on your gender expression! And also to not feel attractive to your partner! There’s no way to win by staying together. It’s not just about hair, it’s that I think you’ve kind of grown past this relationship and need to be in a situation where you can be your full self, even if that means being single for now. Wishing you so so much luck and sending you so many good thoughts!

Q13:

Hello,
I’m a very disorganized queer and I want to stop postponing everything I care about by finding a way to put it in my schedule. But like all of you here, I only have 24hs/day.
I was wondering. How do you use yours? Where do you fit what you care about most? How do you make sure you plan the difficult reading/…/tasks you need to carry out to research on things you care about ?
More concretely : I can’t appear to read the essays I need to read for my Art MA. I want to read them. I started reading many and they were great! But somehow I can’t seem to build a regular habit of reading essays.
Any advice on this?
I’d also be super interested to find out more about how your 24hrs/day are spent during the week and/or the weekend.
Thanks so much!
(And congrats on the fundraiser going so quick!)

A:

Ro: I’m sure someone else can provide a more expansive answer, but I’m here to offer one quick tip that really helped me out when I was in college. I do my best thinking when I’m moving, so I started doing most of my reading while walking (slowly) on the treadmill or riding (slowly) a stationary bike at my campus gym. It helped me focus, AND it helped me combine two tasks (getting in some movement for my mental health + doing some school work). If you can safely and comfortably move your bod in either of those ways, give this a whirl!

If you have digital copies of essays, there are some apps that will read them to you out loud if you’re more of an auditory learner (and that way, you can listen and learn while you clean or shower or go for a walk — again, we’re combining tasks, which makes it so much easier to get everything done!). I haven’t tried these apps myself, but a friend of mine loves Speechify (it lets you choose different narrator voices, which sounds fun).

Himani: This may not be a particularly helpful answer, but I definitely struggled with getting myself to read serious articles and papers when I was working on my master’s. And at some point, that was my clue that I should probably get out of that field, even if I could be good at it and generally found it interesting.

This may not be the most helpful bit of advice, but I tend to be a procrastinator and so honestly, the only way I get anything that feels like “work” done is by lighting a fire under my ass with a real deadline. But also, I’ve been trying to reflect on how to just try to do less of the things I feel like I “have” to do and more of the things that I find myself reaching for effortlessly. I know that doesn’t work out so great when you’re in a degree program, but maybe something to ponder when you complete the MA.

Nico: Thank you so much re: the fundraiser! In terms of getting stuff like this done, I find it can be helpful to stake out a separate location or specific time of day. Can you go to a coffee shop with ONLY these essays, maybe not even your phone, and sit down and not leave until you read them, then repeat this step a couple afternoons a week until it’s second nature? I also find it easier to consume more essay / nonfiction style content via like, chatting with myself about it while I read? It helps me digest. Of course, privacy is better for this, but rather than struggling to just consume idea after idea, I like to pause after each section or so and discuss it with myself. This might also be helpful in an academic context if you’re able to write down your reactions as you go, you can return to them if/when you need to do writing.

Q14:

I need tangible ways to actually improve myself. I am in a long term relationship where I have been really starting to notice how my personal issues are impacting my ability to be a good partner, and be who I want to be. I am so lost on how to actually take the steps to change and feel overwhelmed in the abyss of internet self help content. It is also good to mention I am queer, in a straight presenting relationship and those gay FOMO feelings have been really impacting my ability to be present for my partner/our relationship.

A:

Himani: Without knowing any specifics (and even if I did know more specifics), there are two main pieces of advice I want to give you. First, get off of the internet self-help content. There’s a disturbing trend online of people diagnosing others based on the most minimal of information, and I personally think it does more harm than good. And listen, I really do believe in removing stigma around mental health and mental health care, which is why I made a decision at some point to write openly and honestly about my own experiences, because that is all that I am qualified to inform anyone on. I am not a trained professional and no professional worth their salt will offer someone a diagnosis off of a brief online query without further communication in some format.

Having said that, I do read a lot of online advice columns, and I do find them to be useful, but the good ones (including ones written by therapists, like The Atlantic’s Dear Therapist and some of the stuff at The Guardian) don’t explicitly diagnose people. They do, however, offer strategies that can be useful more broadly or report on research in a journalistic way, and I find a lot of value in reading up on ones that pique my particular interests. So I guess a better way to put my first piece of advice is “consume internet self-help content carefully.” If someone is offering you an easy fix or throwing around medical jargon without citing it as research that can only be applied to your specific experience by a trained professional, then that’s a red flag. If someone is talking more broadly about strategies that help people cope with certain issues or tendencies, then it generally feels more reliable to me.

Second and more importantly, find a therapist to work through some of what you’re noticing in yourself with. I know that therapy is prohibitively expensive, not always accessible, and it can be hard to find a therapist you mesh with. But if you really want to work through personal issues, I think working with a skilled therapist is likely to be your best bet. Based on the bit you shared in your letter, specifically try to look for an LGBTQ+ inclusive therapist and in your intro session be sure to at least mention the “gay FOMO feelings” that you’re experiencing. That’ll help you assess if this person can really provide you the support you need in working through the things you’re struggling with.

Nico: I am here to link to Abeni’s brilliant and recent You Need Help article, where she details a number of ways to approach self-improvement.

Q15:

Hi! I’m a genderqueer lesbian. I use they/them pronouns and have for almost 2 years. I started my transition about 10 months after I started at a new job. At first I was chill when everyone was dead naming and misgendering me, I know it can take a little time to get it right. Well 2 years later I am still frequently misgendered by my coworkers. I am also misgendered by every stranger I encounter throughout my day. It’s fucking exhausting! I live in a small, rural town that I love, but it doesn’t have a thriving queer community or a support system. All my friends are cis and also primarily straight. They are amazing but can’t always provide the support I need. Are there online resources that might provide the queer and trans support I desperately need? I have done some of my own internet searching but it’s hard to know what’s good and what’s terrible. How do I move beyond the exhaustion caused by the constant misgendering? I see a therapist weekly, sometimes twice a week and we do work on this at times, but I would like to hear what the AS team has to offer. You all give amazing advice. Thank you for your service to the community.

A:

Ro: I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. The way your coworkers are treating you is not okay. You deserve basic respect at work, and that includes being addressed correctly. I know you’re not specifically asking about this, but before I get into queer and trans resources, I want to talk about self-advocacy — because there might actually be solutions that help you prevent people from misgendering at work and in your daily life! And wouldn’t that be nice? If that’s not something you want to explore, skip ahead to the last two paragraphs.

Advocating for yourself can be hard, especially when there aren’t many other LGBTQ+ people around. Are you currently correcting people at work when they use the wrong name and misgender you? If not, it’s time to start. If your coworkers don’t have other LGBTQ+ folks in their lives and haven’t taken the time to educate themselves, then they’re not going to know that misgendering is a big deal unless they’re corrected. You can correct them in the moment when they slip up, or if a particular person is repeatedly misgendering you, you can have a firm conversation with them (“I’ve been using this name and these pronouns for two years, so it’s time to get on board. Since we’re coworkers, I need you to treat me with respect and address me correctly”).

Most importantly, remember that you don’t have to be in this alone. If you don’t feel comfortable confronting people on your own or if you’d just like extra support, reach out to your HR department if your company has one or contact a boss or coworker you trust. Ask them to help you correct people (both in your presence and in your absence) when your coworkers aren’t addressing you correctly. Sometimes you need a straight, cis ally to change the culture of a predominantly straight, cis workplace.

Getting misgendered by strangers out in the world can be frustrating, especially when it’s happening all the time. In my experience, there are only two ways to manage this: 1. Ignore it and find peace with it (this option requires you to have lots of trans-affirming support in your life, and I’ll get into that in a sec) or 2. Find a sustainable way to correct people when this comes up. “Sustainable” is the key word here, because starting a big conversation about gender any time a cashier says, “Have a nice day, ma’am” is inefficient and exhausting. If someone addresses me as “ma’am” or “miss,” I usually say with a smile, “Oh, I’m not a ma’am. I’m just a Ro!” This works for me because it’s friendly and quick, and it usually doesn’t result in any transphobic tirades. If a stranger calls me she, I’ll say (again, with a smile), “Heads up, I’m a they!” Sometimes that goes well. Sometimes it doesn’t. I rely on my instincts to decide when and where I correct people and when and where I don’t, and sometimes those instincts can be wrong. I just do my best! There are also times when it’s not in my best interest to correct people (like if I need a doctor to refer me to a specific specialist and can’t afford to compromise my care — it sucks, but sometimes I have to be strategic). You can also wear a pronoun pin or something else that indicates how you’d like to be addressed so that strangers know before they speak to you/ about you, but sometimes, depending on where you are and what your community is like, signifiers like pronoun pins can open you up to unwanted scrutiny or even harassment and violence, so only go this route if you feel safe doing so.

Okay, so where do you get queer- and trans-affirming support if you can’t find that in your town? First, look for in-person events if there’s a bigger city nearby (try searching “trans,” “queer,” or “LGBTQ” on Eventbrite or MeetUp.com). I don’t know where you live, so I can’t recommend any specific events — sometimes you just have to show and learn what spaces feel to you through trial and error. You can also sign up for a friend-making app like BumbleBFF. While it’s not specifically for LGBTQ+ folks, you might find LGBTQ+ friends nearby. There are lots of online support spaces where you can connect with folks like you (Facebook and Discord are good places to start), but for the most specific results, I’d recommend searching “genderqueer lesbian” on Reddit to find subreddits where folks are using identity terms that feel relatable for you. I think the best way to figure out whether or not an online space is welcoming is to read its rules/guidelines (most of them have at least a few). If those guidelines align with your values and if there’s evidence that those guidelines are being followed/enforced, then you’re probably going to feel comfortable there.

The next two resources I’m going to recommend are geared towards butch folks. I know you didn’t use the word “butch” when you described yourself, but in my experience, folks use “butch” in a pretty expansive way, and you’d probably meet other genderqueer lesbians like you in virtual or IRL butch spaces. I recently learned about a Zoom-based, peer-led, weekly support group called The Butch Church, which is open to all butch folks who are over 18. I haven’t attended this group, but it seems like it would be a welcoming and healing space. I’d also recommend following @ButchYoga on Instagram. Sometimes they offer Zoom-based yoga classes for butch folks. I attended one and really enjoyed it! Joelle, the instructor, offered space for folks to check in and get to know each other, which was a nice way to meet new people — plus, doing yoga can feel really good when you’re mentally struggling. I hope these resources are helpful. There are plenty of folks like you in this world, and I know you’re going to find them!

Q16:

So this is kind of embarrassing, but I think I have a Mommy kink? I’ve only played out little fantasies by myself but I want to try and get my girlfriend involved in it. We’ve been together for about four years now. She’s amazing and kind and is a great listener, very non judgmental, but I’m still kinda nervous. I don’t want to freak her out!

A:

Vanessa: Ahhhhh I’m excited for you! Discovering a new kink is so hot and fun and yes, totally sometimes a little embarrassing-feeling, but so many people have so many wild kinks and if you’ve found something that can bring more pleasure into your life, ultimately that rules, yeah?

I’m not sure from your question if your kink is wanting to be the Mommy or have a Mommy, but either way, HOT. It sounds like your girlfriend is really wonderful and you say she’s very non judgmental, so without any additional info I would say you could bring this up to her in a chill and enthusiastic way and see what her response is and go from there. You could say something like, “Hey babe, I have been fantasizing about a new kink and I feel a little nervous to tell you about it, but I’m also really excited to share it with you. Is now a good time for us to talk about it?” If she’s freaked out or respectful but uninterested, you can give her a little time and space with the idea and continue to have your own fantasies (or, if you’re non monogamous, you could talk to her about potentially dating or sleeping with other people to explore this particular dynamic). Please know that whatever her response, you do not have to be embarrassed by what turns you on. If she’s into the idea, start slow with introducing this new dynamic into your relationship. This could happen explicitly during sex, or it could be cute parts of your day to day (like maybe you start saying “Thank you Mommy,” when she gives you a compliment and see how that feels for both of you). Good luck and have fun!

Q17:

Hey A-team! I’m looking for advice around how to actually start living my life. I’m in my mid-thirties and I spend most of my free time sitting on the couch at home, scrolling twitter. I haven’t driven a car in over 5 years (I lived in nyc for a while and there was no need to) and am hesitant to get back behind the wheel, so it’s easy for me to stay pretty isolated. I’m not great at taking care of myself, barely cook or clean (and am not particularly good at either), and while I’m married my wife is much more introverted than I am and spends their time reading and knitting, usually in silence. I moved cities a few years ago at the start of the pandemic and am just starting to form friendships but am wary of doing too many indoor activities due to covid. I’m not even full time at my remote nonprofit job but it exhausts me anyways, and I look forward to my free time only to do absolutely nothing with it. I’m constantly plagued by decision fatigue—should I watch something, read a book, make plans with a friend, cook something (why do we have to eat multiple times a day?), work on the novel I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to write for 5 years—that I end up just putting off making a decision and sitting on the couch again (which is also where I work from, and where I eat…). Right now I consider it a successful day if I so much as walk to the corner store to buy a sandwich. I’m not that unhappy, but I’m not thriving, either. What are some ways I might overcome inertia and actually do something with my life?

A:

Himani: Oof, I have really struggled with this. In my case, I look at all the million things I used to do before the pandemic, and I feel like that was a different person, doing all those things. At the most basic level, start with setting just a simple goal each day. For me, sometimes this will be, “I’m going to pull out my violin” or “I’m going to try to write.” I don’t expect myself to do either of those activities for hours on end (although when I get into it, I can). Just setting the simple goal of “do this one thing” with no expectations around how long I do the activity for can often help me to just get started. When I was really struggling with motivation and inertia, I would keep a track on a calendar (in my case, a scrap of paper) where I would write my goal each day and then I’d get to see how many days I met the goal. That simple tracking helped with motivation because it was like a small reward I could give myself by recognizing that I did the thing.

I go back and forth with this, but sometimes I find it helpful to set a larger goal (ie, play violin x number of days per week or do NaNoWriMo). That can help build the consistency in working on something so it feels like I’m making progress, which makes it easier to do it all over again the next day. Other times, those larger goals can feel overwhelming and I give up after a few days. So I go back and forth. I’m also a person with a lot of different interests and so at various points it can feel too inhibiting to focus on just one thing.

Living in a place where you have to drive is hard. That said, maybe just look and see what public transportation options are available in case that makes it feel more approachable to get out and go to a nearby park or something. I completely understand and really respect the precautions you’re setting around COVID. If you feel comfortable with it, see if there are outdoor activities that you can participate in where COVID transmission risk would be less of a concern. For instance, look into a local hiking meetup group, as that can be a nice way to get out and do something with other people without infecting others.

But also? Just be kind to yourself. The exhaustion and the decision fatigue are both super real. Sometimes, you do just need a day to do nothing, and sometimes that’s your reality for a few weeks or months. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming to try to decide on what to do with your day off, and that’s ok too. But every now and then try to push yourself to do one dedicated thing on a day off, even if it’s just for an hour, and then try to do that two weekends in a row, and then three, and so on. Start small and build it up slowly, recognizing your accomplishments (no matter how “small” they might feel — shut down the negative self-talk), and give yourself lots of grace and encouragement when you have setbacks.

As my therapist is often telling me, the pandemic has offered us an opportunity to reflect on the pace of our lives, and it’s hard to want to go back to the relentless hustle. It’s hard to find the balance between that and a complete lack of motivation, but if you work on it bit by bit, that’s all that really matters because before you know it, you’ll be doing it.

Q18:

Dancing! How does one get over yourself and just enjoy it?! I have zero sense of rhythm and, like, what am I supposed to do with my arms?? The handful of times I got dragged out to somewhere with a dance floor years and years ago, I either sat at the table or basically just stood there along the wall the entire time because of a combination of anxiety and having LITERALLY NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. I went to a wedding recently and got hauled to the floor by a cutie on the other side of the family and I *wanted* to enjoy it and apparently passably did so for the minute I was out there, but as soon as the song ended and she flitted away I was right back to my wallflower self. Help!

A:

Anya: I relate to this question SO MUCH! I feel like it’s so common at so many social gatherings for dancing to occur, and everyone seems to be having a GREAT TIME, while meanwhile I am feeling so self-conscious I’m finding an excuse to leave! And then everyone tells you to “just have fun,” and it’s like, I’m trying??? This made dancing a dreaded experience for me for pretty much my whole life. Here’s my secret trick that I only learned in the past year or so: you can have pre-planned moves! It’s allowed! It doesn’t have to come naturally. (It doesn’t for me!!)

A few years ago I asked my girlfriend to teach me what she does when she dances, and having a set of “moves” that I can rely on has made dancing, dare I say it… actually kind of fun! I’m not an effortless dancer that’s just vibing up there, and I don’t think I ever will be, but at least now I have four or five “moves” I can rely on! These “moves” can be very simple, like the classic step one foot, step the other foot to it. If there’s someone in your life who seems to love dancing, maybe they can share a couple of their moves, and before you know it, you’ll have moves of your own. ENJOY!!

Q19:

In the coming months, I’m going to have some time off where I’ll be financially stable but won’t have any work responsibilities. I want to spend this time volunteering, particularly for queer organizations, but it’s hard to know from looking online which places are doing important work and which are just massive shady non profits. Any recommendations on places to work at/with or how to find them?

A:

Himani: I can’t point you in a specific direction, but I’d encourage you to look for local resources, as you’ll be able to have a closer look at what their operations and leadership are actually like on the ground. Look up local community centers, health centers, youth centers, and homeless shelters that serve the LGBTQ+ community in your area and reach out to them regarding volunteering opportunities.

Nico: I don’t know where you’re located, but another way to search for these orgs might be to look at mutual aid projects. Often, but I suppose also depending on where you are located, mutual aid projects have a high percentage of queer people helping to organize them, even if they aren’t explicitly queer. If you seek out anti-heirarchical projects, you’re just more likely to run into the queer and trans people who help make them possible, even if you aren’t participating in like a queer org. You might look at something like Food Not Bombs, for example, or while I am sure it is not all-inclusive (and sorry if you’re not in the states), but here is a map of various mutual aid projects so that maybe you can locate one!

Q20:

I just read everything in the last A+ advice post about LTRs and it brought up some stuff that’s been on my mind as I process my latest breakup. My ex was definitely a person that needed a lot of time and space to process things before being able to entertain the idea of a deep, vulnerable conversation, and would also express frequently that they were feeling overwhelmed or exhausted by these conversations and needed to take a break (which often meant we didn’t revisit the subject until I brought it up again several weeks later).

I respect that this is a need that some people have in a relationship, and it was also really, really hard on me, as someone that really thrives on clear, explicit communication and tends towards anxiousness (and yes, I’m in therapy). So I guess my first questions is A- are there couples (or throuples or etc) out there that successfully navigate this sort of communication style difference? Besides the waiting feeding my anxiety, I had a hard time feeling confident that it was ok to ask to talk about difficult things because it felt like I was exhausting my partner every time I did so. And if the answer to question A is that no, those sorts of styles of communication are not often compatible, then question B is how do I figure out, in the throes of NRE (assuming I ever attempt to date again) that this is going to be a conflict in the future, and let the person down easy before we get stuck in this pattern where we make each other feel broken and needy? I don’t want to go there again, it’s not fair to myself or any future partner. Thanks!

A:

Himani: So, I’m going out on a limb here, but I’m just going to say it. I don’t think the problem here is that your communication styles were different. You could look at it as a difference in interests and values. You value and are interested in deep, vulnerable conversations and your ex did not. As a person who also values deep, vulnerable conversations, this is something that’s pretty easy to read in a person you’ve been on a handful of dates with just by being open and upfront about sharing the things that you’re thinking about or feeling. I’m not saying force a conversation about your traumas on date #1 but in my (limited) dating experience, I’ve definitely found that if the conversation takes that direction where we connect on something personal to both of us, I’m more likely to follow up with another date.

That said, people do grow and change. (Side note: Expecting someone to change is never something to hang your hat onto in a relationship, but I also think that there’s a lot of people who narrowly want to date people who are exact mirror images of themselves with no possibility that you can grow to share interests and values. In any case, I digress.) So if you expressed to your ex that you value personal and vulnerable conversations, and your ex found it overwhelming and flatout never brought them up even after you had mutually agreed to revisit a conversation in a few weeks and even though waiting made you feel anxious — I hate to say it, but this sounds like being incompatible in the sense of, your ex wasn’t even putting any effort into trying to meet you half way. It would be one thing if your ex said “I need my space” and then made a genuine attempt to bring it up again at a time they felt good — that would be real, mutual effort on their part. Based on what you shared, though, it doesn’t sound like that’s what happened. Which, honestly, says a lot about them. If someone you allegedly love tells you something is important to them and you don’t make any effort to try to engage with them on that, then that’s a pretty shallow and selfish conception of “love.”

Finally, I’m going to come back to the idea that I don’t think this is about “mismatching communication styles.” From my read on what you’ve shared, your ex sounds avoidant and pretty lousy at communication, and I have a hard time believing that that’s going to work out well for them in any future relationship.

I’m sorry I spent my entire reply trash-talking your ex, but I want you to know that (a) there isn’t anything wrong with you and (b) that I believe you’ll find another partner who can match you in your openness, honesty, and vulnerability.

Q21:

Recommendations for writing classes? I want to write better to more efficiently express my ideas personally (e.g. essays, think pieces) and professionally (e.g. reports, memos, press releases). I’ve seen a lot of more creative oriented classes, but I’m looking for something more practical and craft oriented.

A:

Vanessa: I strongly recommend Catapult, Sarah Lawrence Writing Institute (full disclosure: I’m biased because I teach there!), Corporeal Writing, Shipman Agency, Tin House, and anywhere T Kira Madden teaches. Rachel Kincaid teaches at Catapult (!!!), I teach at the SLC Writing Institute, Lidia Yuknavitch (my writing hero) founded Corporeal, many amazing writers including Alexander Chee and Garth Greenwell teach at Shipman Agency, Tin House brings all sorts of incredible writing instructors to their workshops each summer and winter and the level of instruction is really high and the sense of community is really strong, and T Kira Madden is my ultimate mentor and guide when it comes to writing so I would genuinely suggest following her to the ends of the earth to see where she’s teaching. I also recommend choosing any writers you admire and seeing if they offer classes — I once took a revision class with R.O. Kwon that changed my whole writing practice and it was just offered via her Twitter and I signed up via her website. I hope that helps!

Meg: Everyone Vanessa recommended is brilliant and so very worth checking out! Also wanted to shout out Lilly Dancyger, as her essay and craft classes have been a huge help to me.

Darcy: I just wanted to second the Rachel Kincaid recommendation – I took a three-hour class from her recently that changed everything.

Nico: Although I remain sad that I (and anyone who doesn’t ID as a woman) don’t qualify to apply for their residency, I’ve enjoyed Hedgebrook’s pre-recorded Zoom classes. They have a sliding scale pay model, too. I took one with T Kira Māhealani Madden and just wept during it honestly (pre-recorded so no one but me kneeew).

And I ALSO, via a separate org, took a virtual class with Rachel Kincaid and confirm that it was fantastic. Good luck, have fun!

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