Welcome to the 72nd edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month, like this one, is themed! NEXT month’s theme is PRACTICAL HOLIDAYS STUFF. The team is coming together to answer your questions about things your family never taught you / that are a mystery in the sense of “how the heck do I do that?” How do you cook a turkey, wrap a present really nice, or make the perfect pie crust? When is the best time to salt your sidewalk anyway? (Nico will be happy to talk about the nuances of snow clearing and salting.) How the heck do you go for walks when it’s so icy? Do you need suggestions for activities to do with kids? Our favorite no-fail cookie or latke or Yule log recipes or tips? What should you make for the vegan in your life who’s coming over to celebrate with you? Get those questions in by Monday, December 5th! Go! Do it! This will publish on the 16th!

The general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, where we take questions on practically any topic, publish on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

Hey Autostraddle team – so after my mother forced me out of the bi closet earlier this year (long, different story), my sister came out to me as a lesbian! Which is marvelous! However, as exhibited in my own outing, it’s not a good idea for her to come out to our parents – and it’s really hard for her to date, as we live in a Red State and she’s contending with some physical disabilities that people can be jackasses about.

I want to help her celebrate who she is/who she loves, but I do not want to out her. Since my own outing, I’ve been trying to be as in-your-face casual about my bisexuality as possible with the hopes that doing so may one day make our parents comfortable with another queer kiddo, but considering my own circumstances, I have no desire to rush her along/even think that she *needs* to come out unless she wants to.

So here’s the rub – I’d love to get my sister some stuff/offer her some experiences/do things for her that would make it easier for her to celebrate her identity on her own terms. Do you have any suggestions as to what I could do?

Thanks so much – Bi Big Sis

A:

Himani: It’s really wonderful and heartwarming that you and your sister have each other. And I understand where you’re coming from in terms of wanting to protect her. I think you know this, but it also seems worth stating explicitly: whether or not your sister comes out to your parents is her decision, even if it’s going to be really painful and difficult for her. I say this as a youngest sibling who is also incredibly close to my sisters, who protected me through so much of our childhoods because our parents are, frankly, insane. But one of the things I had to work on when I was older was how to stand up on my own, both to them and to the world. I love my sisters more than I can say for protecting me, I really, really do. And, I can also recognize that sometimes even coming from truly the best of intentions, that protection can be limiting in its own way. It can make it hard for a person to learn how to fight their fights and make their own decisions about how they do and do not want to exist in relation to family.

At the same time, I really agree with you that your sister doesn’t need to come out, unless she feels so compelled. I really appreciate your recognizing and naming that because sometimes I get frustrated with the mainstream queer narratives that everyone must be out to live their best, truest, most authentic lives (looking at you, Happiest Season). That is a dangerous, false, limiting narrative in its own way and denies the complexity of so many people’s lives, especially — I would argue — the lives of people of color and immigrants, among many others.

So in terms of your actual questions, I think you support and celebrate her in whatever ways feel both authentic and safe to you. In addition to being earnest about your bisexuality in your interactions with your parents and family, work queerness seamlessly into your interactions with your sister, as just one more thing you bond over. In times that you’re privately together, for instance, have the kind of in depth bonding over queer media that you would generally share over topics that you connect on as sisters. If you’re able to go on short trips or outings together where, again, you feel safe and like you won’t be outing either of yourselves in a way that you and your sister aren’t ready for, seek out small queer experiences.

The dating situation you describe is really hard, but being able to date or being in a relationship isn’t the only thing that makes us queer. You can connect about expansive, non-heteronormative narratives in media, or talk about which celebrities you think are hot in your private conversations and that is also a celebration of queer identity.

People might disagree with me on this, but I think one of the beauties of being queer is that we have been such a closeted and closed community for so long that it is possible to engage with aspects of queer culture in broad daylight and people won’t necessarily bat an eye. For instance, you could go see a movie like Tar and say it’s just because you like Cate Blanchett; or watch a show like The Dragon Prince and say it’s because you like fantasy; or bond over The Imperial Radch Trilogy and chalk it up to being a sci-fi aficionado.

There’s also things that you can get her queer affirming symbols that she can celebrate out in the open but also mean other things. For instance, on a recent trip to Joshua Tree, I saw some beautiful rainbows and decided to print one of my pictures and put it up in my bedroom and in my office. Is it a queer symbol or because I generally think rainbows are beautiful or because I loved that trip? The answer, I know, is all of the above but I think unsuspecting people can arguably be convinced that it’s just the last two.

This isn’t in your question but you mentioned being “in-your-face casual” about being bi, and you seem comfortable taking on that role. I would also encourage you to continue to check-in with yourself about that. Your mother outed you, and I can imagine that was traumatic in its own way, and I hope you’re taking the time to take care of yourself and process that. You don’t need to be the champion bearing the brunt of everything to protect your sister either. And also, it might be helpful for you two to talk about that, if you haven’t already. Let her know how that experience affected you, to the extent you feel comfortable, while also affirming for her that it really and truly is her decision whether and to what extent and when and how she wants to come out to your family, and that you will love and support her in that every step of the way.

It’s great that you have each other, and really wonderful that you’re thinking carefully and intentionally about how you can support her and allow her to come out on her terms. Personally, I think the most important thing of all is to just continue to be there for each other, connecting and supporting one another every step of the way.

Valerie Anne: Himani has offered you some great advice, but I’m here to answer your question in a more literal way. You asked what “stuff” you could get her, and if you think it’s safe to do so, consider getting her books that maybe aren’t called THE BIG GAY LOVE STORY in case your parents spot it, but have queer characters she can conntect to, or even e-books so that way it CAN be called The Big Gay Love Story and still be safe for her to read around the house. Maybe you can even start a little secret queer sibling book club so you two can have something specifically queer to talk about and that can help spark conversation and help her explore and celebrate her identity – or any combination of her identities – that has nothing to do with being out or dating.

Nico: Himani and Valerie Anne gave such good advice I am just here to direct you to the book lists, and also to suggest that if it sounds right, and your sister wants to join A+ (I don’t know what her financial situation is), but there is always the A+ membership pool! We’re having another discord December 13-26, and while I don’t know if that’s her thing at all, it’s a relatively unassuming looking app when you use it on your phone, so I think it would be relatively discreet and easy to keep away from your parents’ eyes — and then she can come hang if she wants!

Q2:

Hi!

I’m 27 but have lived at home with my mum for the last six years due to chronic illness. Among other symptoms, I have very limited energy so my mum does most of the cooking and household chores. There is no way I could live independently, both health-wise and financially.

My mum’s partner has recently given her an ultimatum: either they move in together or break up. They’ve been together over ten years so I’m not the only reason they haven’t been living together, but it’s become more and more of an issue for him over time, especially now he’s retired. He understands that she and I come as a package deal and would be fine with me living with them.

My problem is that I don’t want to live with him. He is a nice person and makes my mum happy – there is objectively nothing wrong with him. I have just really struggled to be around him for extended periods of time since I got sick. He stays here alternate weekends at the moment and our ~vibes~ are completely antithetical. He is loud, messy, chaotic and an extreme extrovert, all of which I find draining to the point where it has a knock-on effect on my fatigue for days after.

I don’t want to hurt him, and especially don’t want to hurt my mum who does so much for me, by voicing my concerns. Plus, I don’t know where that would get me – I don’t have any other living arrangement options. But I also worry that my already very restricted existence is going to get even more limited if I feel the need to stay isolated in my bedroom to conserve my energy.

What, if anything, can I do without coming across as a brat? TIA

A:

Ro: I’m so sorry you’re in this position. It sounds really stressful! First, I have to ask: Does your mom definitely want to live with her partner? I don’t know all of the in’s and out’s of the situation, but considering that your mom’s partner had to present moving in as an ultimatum, I’d guess she’s either A) not into it or B) on the fence about it. Since living with your mom is your only option right now, I think you and your mom both deserve to have a say in whether or not your mom’s partner moves in, and if he does move in, you both deserve to help shape what that looks like.

I think it would be best to ask your mom what she wants, honestly share what you want, and know what you’re willing to compromise on. Ask yourself what you would need in order to feel both physically and mentally comfortable in your home. Do you need a clean and tidy environment? Lots of alone time? A reliable schedule? Low noise levels? If your mom’s partner were to move in, are there certain things you could ask him to do or not do in order to maintain an environment that’s conducive to your healing? You’re allowed to ask for those things, whether your mom’s partner is an occasional guest or a permanent housemate.

Once you and your mom have figured out your collective needs and boundaries, share those with her partner. You said he knows that you and your mom are a “package deal,” so hopefully, he’ll be willing to respect both her needs and yours. Then the three of you can make a plan together that allows each of you to feel respected and comfortable in a shared space.

Darcy: Ro’s advice is spot on! I want to emphasize the importance of speaking up and working together on this, with your mom especially. Voicing your concerns and having a real say in what this might look like if it can work for the three of you is not bratty; it’s helpful, adult, and vital for everyone to consider. If your mom decides that she does want him to move in (gosh I hate ultimatums!), intentionally creating a plan for the physical space you’re sharing will be important. With another person pitching in, for instance, would it be feasible to move to a larger place, with more personal space available for everyone? If that’s not an option, can the resources he brings to the table help in material ways to contribute to a tidy, peaceful environment in which you all have space to be your full adult selves? Sometimes, the things that help can be deceptively simple, like a pair of noise-canceling headphones that link up to the TV so his sports game doesn’t give you sensory overload, or some extra bedroom storage so that three adults aren’t all sharing a single bathroom cabinet (just for example). Wishing you and your mom a lot of luck and care as this moves forward!

Q3:

I am the oldest (31) of three siblings and until recently, I would have described my family as nothing but supportive. I was single for a few years following my last straight relationship and took that time to come out, develop myself more fully as a person, and many more things, whereas my siblings (both straight) both got married (one divorced and re-married) and settled down in many more ways. I am now in a great place personally and professionally (although academia is making the latter more of a continuing adolescence), and earlier this year I met my amazing girlfriend. I always felt like my parents were proud of all 3 of us equally – until both of my siblings recently announced that they will produce the first grandkids soon. My parents have been in babymania ever since and their interest in me seems to have reduced significantly, even going so far as initially *forgetting* to ask me to join them for a vacation next summer that was first planned with my siblings and their families. I have been getting weird signals about my – queer, long distance – relationship from them too that make me wonder whether they do not take it that seriously and may even have some underlying homophobia at play here. I am confused and a bit hurt at times and I wonder if there is anything to be gained by breaching this subject with them and how to go about it?

as always, thank u for existing :)

A:

Casey: Friend, I am so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds so frustrating and disappointing. I want to validate your feelings of hurt first of all! And I also want to echo that it does seem like there’s some underlying homophobia here, maybe not in the grandbaby fever your parents are experiencing, but certainly if they’re being weird about your queer relationship. In my experience and that of some of my friends, some people’s theoretical acceptance of queerness can not match up with their actual words and behaviour. We all grow up steeped in homophobia and even if they’ve said they support your coming out, your parents may well be treating you and your relationship as less than your siblings because of internalized homophobia. It might not be heir fault, but it is their responsibility to work on it.

If they’ve generally been supportive and you otherwise have a solid relationship with them, I think it’s worth broaching the subject. Is there a family member you feel closest to, and/or someone who knows the most about LGBTQ issues? That might be the person to broach the topic with first. I think one on one is best, so you don’t feel outnumbered. Are your siblings on the same page as your parents, re: neglecting you, or is it more just your parents? If not, it might be worth bringing your concerns to your siblings so they can help point out to your parents the ways they’re treating you differently. I don’t think a text based way (email, text) of broaching the topic is a bad way to go either. With an issue like this where people have a tendency to get defensive, sometimes it’s helpful to give them a brief description of what you’re feeling and what you’d like to talk about before talking in person. Try to focus on “I statements” about how you’ve been feeling rather than “You did …”

Last, do you have queer community you can talk to about this? I’m sure you are not the only queer person in your circle that this has happened to. Being able to vent and talk it over with people who have gone through the same thing would be great. I bet some people can even chime in in the comments!

Ro: I love Casey’s advice! I am very pro- “I” statements, and I agree it would be smart to talk to your more supportive parent first to avoid being outnumbered.

I’m just here to add that you’re not alone. I don’t have siblings, but I’ve had similar experiences. I have a huge extended family with lots of straight cousins who are close to my age. Historically, my family has put a lot of effort into supporting and celebrating my cousins’ relationships while taking my queer relationships less seriously. And that sucks! Here’s something I do that’s helped a bit:

When I’m in a committed relationship, I ask my parents to pretend I’m married. I have no intention of ever getting married (unless it’s necessary for healthcare/financial reasons down the line) and my parents know that, but here’s the unfortunate reality: Lots of straight folks and even some LGBTQ+ folks see marriage as the only way someone’s partner can truly become “part of the family.” Asking my parents to make this mental adjustment has helped them interrogate their own biases, and it’s led them to talk about my queer relationships differently. If your siblings are married, that might play a role in how your parents see their relationships vs. how they see yours. It might help to point that out.

Himani: Casey and Ro have offered really valuable advice in terms of how to approach this with your parents. As I think about your letter, there’s something that is just really sticking with me, and so I just want to say that I hope you give yourself the time and space to hold and acknowledge your feelings. It’s really hard to be hurt by family in this way, to grow up feeling that everyone was on the same page and then to realize in adulthood that that isn’t the case. Sometimes, I think, parents are the ones who break our hearts the hardest, whether they mean to or not, whether they realize it or not. It’s a different level of pain and betrayal, a different kind of grief and disappointment. And maybe your parents will come around. Maybe they will hear you and realize how they have failed you and hurt you and actively work to do better. For your sake, I hope that is the case. But until that happens — and even if or when it does — I really do hope you take the time to feel what you feel about all of this. I don’t want to overstate whatever you might be feeling — your letter reads very tempered to me — but I guess I just want to encourage you to allow yourself to feel your feelings fully.

Nico: Following Himani’s advice, I am here to give you encouragement to process and feel this because while you can have conversations about these issues, they may not be easily solved. Babymania seems to be a whole-society issue at this point. I know that even straight people (especially straight cis women) who choose not to have kids can feel unmoored and less celebrated. I think she’s also queer, but Jenny Hval’s album, The Practice of Love is a sort of exploration of types of love outside of romantic relationships and child-bearing and there is one track on the album that your question made me think of, the titular track, where Hval in spoken word says: “one thing that I kind of felt, um, becoming someone who’s in their late 30s that doesn’t have a child, it’s like, I have to accept that I’m part of this human ecosystem, um, but I’m not the princess and I’m not the main character? Because I feel like maybe the main characters are the people that have kids because they literally keep the virus going. But, um, I’m like, I thought, maybe I’m the talking tree, or, like, maybe I’m the witch, or maybe I’m, I’m the, I’m a, a supporting character, and that’s a hard thing for my ego to take, ’cause I wanna be the star of the human story, but I’m not. I’m like a, I’m the, I’m someone that is in the background in regards to survival ’cause I’m not directly supporting survival, I’m just, I’m supporting it in a very abstract way, and possibly not supporting it”

Anyway, those feelings aside, that quite a few people are having, aren’t necessarily fair right? The way that people who present grandkids (or nieces or nephews or great-grandkids) can be favored over the childless (and over the queer) relatives, is definitely a noted phenomenon and it is so many things, right? Sexism and homophobia and it’s a weird kind of bio-essentialism. I’m mostly just here to offer feelings of solidarity with you and to echo that I think the above advice is great. I’d start by trying to have a heart to heart with the most supportive parent — or even, really, your most supportive sibling. I mean, as a sibling, I certainly wouldn’t want my sister to be treated unfairly or to be left out and I can imagine that if she came to me about feeling that way, that I’d take part in holding our parents accountable. I don’t know what your relationship with your siblings is like, but I agree with Casey in that I’d suggest trying to talk to them, too, if you have the kind of relationship where you feel like you can do that. Being queer in this society usually means that you’re skirting the expectations your parents had for you. They can be as open-minded as they like, but they probably imagined a straight-forward path for each of their children and imagined that for some years, and it can be hard for them to separate who you are from their wishes for you, so you’re dealing with, when you are talking to them, a lot of mental blocks here. That’s why I really suggest trying to drum up support with your siblings, because it may be a while as your parents work through this.

Q4:

FAMILY ISSUES The minute i saw the prompt, i started typing… THANK YOU for bringing it up!

How do you deal with ageing parents? (declining health, feelings, implications)

For context:
two parental units, only child, no siblings or close family members. no partner.

My father (76yo) tends to overextend himself, wants to do everything himself (organising, managing, paperwork – lots of mental load), then goes on trips (for joy+as an escape), so everything piles up even more (said stuff+the garden), and adds to the load. his wife (73yo; i don’t quite know where i’m at with her) hardly seems attentive to him needing rest. she enjoys frequent activities and he sure shuns to upset her, knowing he is not an easy person (f.ex. unpredictably irritable).
when he’s overextended, i need to walk on eggshells even more. but it is out of question to suggest he hit a lower gear and steps back from certain responsabilities.
he has anxieties around what will be, those ingrained in me. it frightens me to see him impacting his health, and: one day i’ll have to jump in + take over stuff that overwhelms me already.

My mother (73yo) is and has always been sick. we were no contact for some time, i have established inner boundaries. i can better keep a distance there, though it feels as if i didn’t care. i don’t know how to deal should her health detoriate allthemore substantially. and eventually i’ll prob also have to deal with tons of stuff…

My father would want me to visit more often, but i don’t feel there is space for me and it so quickly gets moody. My mother might enjoy visits and appreciate help, but i can’t go there.

A:

Valerie Anne: What I’m going to say is going to sound a little harsh but I’m just going to rip the bandaid off: Your parents are adults. If your father is putting his own health at risk but not being restful enough, there’s not much you can do but express those concerns. I 100% understand feeling this responsibility, and I would encourage you to talk to them about it as much as you feel comfortable doing so (or maybe even if it makes you uncomfortable) and try to get them to make decisions with you – what will it look like if their health declines, what can they help set up so the burden of caring for them isn’t resting solely on you. Are there live-in facilities they’re interested in looking into for the future, are there home care nurses or companies they have already had success with they want to work with more if their health declines, is it in your dad’s budget to hire someone to take care of the garden or with his paperwork, are there family friends or extended family they feel comfortable relying on. If your parents won’t talk to you about it, do YOU know of a family friend or extended family member that can help you talk to them, or help take some of this off your hands? Because even if you were extremely close with both of your parents and had the best relationship in the world, the burden of their health shouldn’t rest on you and you alone; that’s not fair to anyone involved. And if you’ve already had to set boundaries with them, don’t use their health as an excuse to lapse on them if they are still boundaries you feel strongly about. At the end of the day, you have to put your metaphorical oxygen mask on before you help someone else put theirs on, so if helping them is going to degrade your own mental (or physical!) health, no one is going to end up being helped in the end.

Darcy: Oh, friend. This can be so tough as parents age — while their adult autonomy, and your strong boundaries, both remain incredibly important, it can also be very hard to watch them make choices that you would not make for them, and worry that it will lead to more work for you down the road.

Valerie Anne has covered so much of it above. I wanted to emphasize that while you may feel alone with this, there are resources in place in many communities that may be able to help you. If you live in the US, you can start by googling “area agency on aging” + the town(s) your parents live in, or your town, and see what comes up. These agencies can provide some material support as time goes on, but to begin with, they can give you the lay of the land so that you can start to prepare for the future and imagine what that might look like. Many of them also have robust programs of caregiver support, including support groups.

It can be a funny set of growing pains that set in as parents age. I know my own parents found that healthy boundaries they had set with their parents decades ago started to be tested, and that their relationships evolved a lot as everyone aged; it can be a really rocky process. One thing I will suggest is that, while it’s natural to worry about the future, the more you can reel in your brain when it starts going into what if scenarios, the better. What’s the old adage? Don’t borrow trouble? For instance, it sounds like your father is operating much like he always has, has a wife who is a bit younger than him, and doesn’t currently require material support/support with his activities of daily life. That’s good! Although he is 76, as Valerie Anne says, he is an adult, and he will certainly continue to overextend himself; what you can do is work on practicing healthy detachment from that chaos. (My advice would be different if this were a sudden behavioral change, but it sounds like this is kind of how he operates.) You get to continue to set boundaries around this behavior, deciding what visiting schedule/what kind of contact/support you are comfortable with, and sticking with it. If there is a time where things reach a crisis point, presumably he and/or his wife will reach out, and you can reassess.

With your mom, things are a bit different because of her health (I’m assuming she’s not married and/or doesn’t have live-in support). While I do want to stress that helping to care for and support your mother (even from a distance) is a choice that you can make and continue making as time goes on, the Area Agency on Aging in her town will be a good place to start if you’d like to begin investigating what sort of support is available in her community if/when her health deteriorates. If you have the kind of relationship where you can start to have very real conversations about health care, finances, and your mother’s vision for the future as she ages, this is definitely the time to begin that process. Hopefully you can start to have those talks and still maintain the emotional (and physical) distance that you’ve found to be important to you with your mom in the past; I recommend frequent breaks, and scheduling time to talk when neither of you feel overextended or in crisis (the absolute worst time to have these conversations? A hospital emergency room). It may be that your mom has some plans in place, or some ideas for her future that you’re not yet aware of, and if so, that will help to take some of the pressure off of you as well. Finally, I want to note that while you write about feeling guilty about your detachment with your mom (“it feels as if I don’t care”), the fact that you are giving these things thought already indicates a great deal of care. A certain level of emotional detachment can sometimes be protective as we navigate the complex relationships we have with our parents as adults, and I don’t think it’s an unhealthy thing here; quite the opposite, honestly.

Sending you energy and care as you begin to navigate this next phase of family life! I am pulling for you. You are truly not alone.

Himani: I don’t know if this is a resource that is available to you or one you would consider, but you might want to look into therapy for yourself to try to navigate all of this. You mentioned that your father has “anxieties around what will be” that have been passed on to you. The good news is that even if your father can’t or won’t rein in his anxiety, that is something you can look into working on for yourself. As Darcy says above, don’t borrow trouble, and sometimes in my own life I’ve found that speaking with a mental health professional can help me parse out when I am borrowing trouble or how to navigate it when I am. I also think that might be a helpful resource for you to talk through some more of the specifics and navigate some of what is going on with your parents.

It sounds like you all have a somewhat complicated, somewhat fraught relationship, where a lot is being expected of you and yet you’re also potentially being made to feel that you’re not doing enough. Sometimes, depending on the specifics of your context, it can be really hard to challenge or disrupt those narratives — for instance, if you’re dealing with very conservative family dynamics and so on. Sometimes, in those situations, it can be really hard to set boundaries or even feel like you are allowed to have them. Depending on your circumstances, it may also realistically be the case that there may not be many other resources available to your aging parents. But at the end of the day, I do still believe that it is your decision about how and to what extent you care for them, and the terms of that can change as you reconsider your own limits. Working with a therapist might be helpful to talk through all of this and help you see where you are carrying undue guilt or responsibility.

Q5:

I guess my general question is how to navigate being partnered to someone with challenging family? Hard to condense it down but: tldr, my wife (just got married!) comes from a family unit who live to serve her mom’s dysfunction. Her mom is the type of person who never has a good thing to say, never acknowledges the hurt she has caused, and then acts surprised when we don’t share parts of our life with her. The wedding was a perfect microcosm of that: she made our lives hell for a year telling us all the things we were doing wrong then the day of acted like the perfectly happy MIL and kept going on and on about how her friends said it was so fun.

I am struggling with being around her. I hate that she has never acknowledged all the ways she has been harmful to us. My wife is in therapy and working on her history of avoiding being blunt/boundaried in an attempt to not upset her mother (her mom is incredibly persistent and tiresome). I know the obvious answer is “set boundaries”, but what does that actually look like? And what is my place versus my wife’s place? She is always on my team and agrees that her mom is out of line, but I guess my confusion is: when it’s not blatant terrible stuff (like racism/homophobia/abuse) but subtle blatant stuff… what does taking care of yourself look like? And when it isn’t *your* mom… what is your lane/not your lane?

A:

shea: First of all, congrats on getting married to your person! I’m so glad you asked this question. Navigating relationships with in-laws is incredibly tricky – especially when those in-laws’ actions aren’t affirming and supportive. This month, my partner and I will celebrate six years of marriage, and (unfortunately) I’ve been navigating a tense relationship with my (often not-very-nice) mother-in-law for even longer. You didn’t mention this in your question, but have you (or your wife) ever brought this up with your mother-in-law? You said your wife agrees with your reads on most of her mom’s horrible shenanigans, but has she been confronting her mom about these things? Therapy is great for your wife and also I worry about how her continued relationship with her mom (without saying anything) will impact your marriage.

In the past 6+ years, I’ve learned a lot about how to take care of myself (and also advocate for my needs) while also allowing my wife to process her relationship with her mom. This may be brash but you are not tied to this woman by blood (or any other real bond besides your connection to your wife) and it sounds like she’s not very nice. That being said, you have to protect your peace at all costs. If being around her bothers you because of how she’s acted, tell your wife. Either your wife needs to initiate some kind of reconciliation and shifting (if your MIL is up for it) or you will just need to make other plans when your MIL is around. Nothing says you have to be BFFs with your in-laws. Make other plans. Sure, you can do the obligatory holidays and such but I wouldn’t go out of my way to spend time with her. At the end of the day, your focus should be on communicating your needs and discomfort with your wife. For example, I might say “I don’t think I want to go [event/location] because your mom said [X, Y, Z] which triggered/hurt/upset me. There has not been an apology or resolution and I’d rather not put myself in that position again. I’m fine if you go because it’s your mom but I am not comfortable.” Your wife might be upset. Maybe she likes having you there because you are her person, but your comfort and peace are important – remember that. If you do choose to engage and spend time with your MIL, maybe you and your wife can develop a code word that signals she needs to say something.

Now let’s say you do choose to go to something and your MIL says something problematic that triggers or offends you, I would say something. I realize I might be bolder than others, but saying something at the moment is necessary. Letting it slide and fester within you is not helping anyone. I’m sure your MIL doesn’t even know/care and it’s going about her life just fine. You’re the one losing sleep and upset about it. Sometimes saying something at the moment further complicates relationships and makes sh*t awkward, but you’ll probably sleep and breathe easier. It’s possible that if you do say something you’ll be painted as a problem child or villain – you’re not, fam. People don’t always like getting called on their sh*t but you don’t deserve to sit in discomfort and rage to make them feel better.

You didn’t mention anything about racial/ethnic differences so I’m going to assume that’s not an issue in this case. In my situation, my MIL is white and I’m Black AF – it’s been a rough seven years and we don’t have a lovey-dovey relationship, but we have a cordial relationship that is mainly mitigated through my wife. Like “shea says hi!” or “my mom asked about you!” I’m totally fine with that but maybe you won’t be. I think to move forward you’ll need to ask/answer these questions for yourself:

1. What do I want from this relationship?
2. What do I need to preserve my peace in this situation?
3. What might support from others (wife, friends, family) look like as I work to navigate this relationship with my MIL?

Notice how those questions center your needs and no one else’s. It’s easy to prioritize your wife and MIL’s feelings because they have a longer and more complex history, but you matter too – don’t forget that. Once you have your answers, you have to act on them – communicate with your wife (and maybe even your MIL) about what you need/want. It’s tough work, but you deserve to feel good and comfortable when engaging with others – even in-laws. Good luck!

Himani: shea has offered some really comprehensive and thoughtful advice. The only piece I want to add is to perhaps have outlets, outside your partner, who you can at least vent to. What strikes me about your letter is this sentence: “I hate that she has never acknowledged all the ways she has been harmful to us.” That is a valid frustration, and you have every right to be angry about that. But based on everything you have described about this woman, I can’t help but wonder: has she ever acknowledged any (forgot about all) of the ways in which she has been harmful to your wife? It absolutely is not your job to negotiate their relationship, but I think as a partner you also have to realize that sometimes people have shitty parents that aren’t going to change, ever. And if that means that you don’t want to spend much time with her, or engage with her via your wife as shea suggested, that’s completely valid. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that potentially taking care of yourself in this situation is also finding a place where you can vent and also try to come to terms with the fact that this relationship will probably always be fraught and unpleasant. I can’t say what that means for you specifically, but at a minimum, finding people — beyond your partner, so like close friends, for instance — to discuss this with, especially after you’ve had to interact with her or have witnessed or heard about something terrible she has done, might help you process some of that.

Q6:

My sister is one of my best friends and just an all-around fantastic person. Her boyfriend? Not so much. And not just in an average “shitty cishet man” way, in a cheater, abusive way (she is not in immediate danger, but he is not a good person). I think I’ve done a decent job of trying not to be judgmental and let her vent when she needs to talk with just the two of us. And I have privately expressed concerns and let her know I’m here if she ever wants out. I have a hard time when I actually have to be around him though, looking him in the eye knowing what he has put my sister through makes me want to read him the riot act, not play nice over brunch. I hope so so so much she realizes her worth and eventually leaves him, but I know I need to keep myself in check while they’re still together in order to not let him isolate her further. Any good tips for how to cope with knowing his shitty behavior and still be there for her?

A:

Ro: Watching someone you love exist in an abusive relationship can feel scary and frustrating. Of course you’re not in the right headspace to “place nice over brunch!”

I believe you’re already doing the right thing. You told your sister you’re concerned and you let her know you’ll be there for her if/when she wants to end her relationship. And now you have to be patient. People who are in abusive relationships often feel isolated, and the idea of leaving their abusive partner can feel scary or impossible, even when the abuser is raising every red flag known to humankind — and sometimes, depending on the type of abusive that’s happening, leaving can be dangerous. If it ends up taking some time for your sister to extricate herself from this relationship, that will suck, but it’s pretty typical. It’s also important that your sister choose to leave on her own (if she doesn’t feel like she’s making her own choice on her own timeline, she might be more likely to return to her abusive partner).

Here are two more things you can do for your sister that might be helpful:

1. Encourage her to see a therapist if she isn’t doing so already. Don’t say, “Hey, I think your boyfriend is an ass and I want you to see a therapist who will convince you to leave him.” That probably won’t go over well and might result in your sister pulling away from you. Just let her know that if she’s feeling down or anxious for any reason, therapy can help her work through her feelings.

2. Talk to your sister about your own healthy relationship (if you’re in one…and if it organically comes up in conversation). When I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, hearing positive things about my friends’ relationships was what helped me realize I deserved more respect from my partner. Did I leave then? Nope. But it got me thinking. And later on when that relationship ended, I was able to look back and compare my partner’s behavior to the behavior of my friend’s partners — and WOW, was that a reality check. When I finally saw my ex through an accurate lens, I was able to get the support I needed in order to heal.

Okay, now let’s talk about YOU! How the hell do you cope with this? I’ve watched someone I love go through an emotionally abusive relationship. Here are some suggestions based on what helped me during that time:

1. Take care of yourself! Even though you’re not the one who’s directly experiencing emotional abuse from this guy, you’re still affected by it, so it’s especially important that you’re caring for your brain and body in whatever ways feel good for you (stay hydrated, take your meds, eat regular meals, get some sunshine, talk to you friends, go to therapy, etc.).

2. Set boundaries with your sister’s boyfriend. You don’t have to spend time with this guy. If that means saying no to hangouts that involve him sometimes or even all the time, that’s okay. You can tell your sister you don’t enjoy being around him, or you can tell her that you prefer one-on-one sibling time. This was hard for me to do when my friend was experiencing emotional abuse from a partner. I was convinced I had to be around all the time so I could intervene and defend my friend if their partner started acting out. But once I finally set some boundaries for myself, my mental health drastically improved, and I had more energy to emotionally support my friend.

3. If you’re a “knowledge is power” person, take some time to educate yourself about emotionally abusive relationships. When my friend was with an emotionally abusive partner, I remember thinking, “What’s wrong with you?! Don’t you see what an asshole this person is?” And then, years later, I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship of my own. Most of us aren’t immune to manipulation. If you’re feeling frustrated by your sister’s choices, learning about emotional abuse might help you understand her a little better. The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website is a great place to start.

Nico: Here to agree with you and Ro that some of the most important bases you can cover, you have covered. It’s crucial that you maintain your relationship with your sister, that you spend time with her, that you let her know you’re there for her. And it’s important, as Ro said, that you take care of yourself, maybe find someone to talk to about this regularly who is receptive but isn’t your sister, you know? Personally, I don’t know how I could ever stand being around someone I knew was abusive to my sister without short-circuiting, but kudos to you for staying as strong as you have. I think that if you’re going to continue to be in situations where you’re around him, it’s definitely a good idea to check in with your support system and see if there are people who are willing and able to be there for a vent sesh (or even a quick text). Even though he’s not directly abusing you, abusers often try to manipulate everyone around them, and I recognize that it can be challenging if you’re ever made to feel like you are somehow out of line or misreading a situation when in fact, that’s just his tactic — and having friends outside the situation can help reality check that! Similarly, how does the rest of your family feel about him? Are you all more or less in agreement? Can you find ways to arrange hang times with your sister that don’t include him? Intentionally choosing activities he won’t enjoy might be a good way to go about this. Does he hate shopping? Go shopping without him. Does he despise arts and crafts? Go paint some pottery or go to a museum or even go see a movie you know he has no interest in. Then, it’s easy for your sister to get away because she can always say that YOU invited her to see the movie, and so she’s not initiating the whole picking something he doesn’t like. You get her out of that space for a while and you don’t have to see him — win, win. When it comes to hanging out with him, which sounds unavoidable sometimes, I also recommend just giving him as little to go off of as possible. Give him flat, boring answers. Don’t let him get a rise out of you. Remain emotionally neutral when talking to him. Try not to give him too many details about yourself or your opinions or your life because all those are are fuel for him. This is sometimes called the “gray rocking” method and really what it is is just making yourself as unexciting and boring as is possible.

When it comes to learning about abuse / sharing strategies, I oddly recommend poking around Reddit? The reason I recommend poking around here is that you can probably find evidence of people describing the exact things your sister’s boyfriend does, but on subreddits like Abuse Interrupted, abuse survivors, emotional abuse, Narcissistic Abuse, or Emotional Abuse Support. Warning that there may be some hard-to-read stuff on there, but there are also really helpful and comprehensive posts about, for example, warning signs in abusive relationships. I think that Reddit can, honestly, as a sort of ground-up created platform, be so much more helpful than like a click-baity Healthline or Psychology Today article — there’s just a lot of depth there, and these forums that have tens of thousands of people are also likely to get you some help or a response if you post. Essentially, your sister wouldn’t be in this relationship if she could understand or see that she was being abused, right? (Or we hope not.) So, at this stage, I think the “knowledge is power” strategy is a good place to start, as Ro suggested. Then, when you can have conversations with your sister about this, you’ll have a bunch of supporting evidence to point to. “Your boyfriend does X, and these people on this forum have described their abusive exes as having done almost the exact same thing.” Etc. I hope that makes sense and that if anyone has any additional thoughts or strategies that you all feel welcome to share them in the comments. If you want a book recommendation about intimate partner abuse (warning that it’s hard to read), I found the book Why Does He Do That? to be eye-opening (it’s by a cishet man so some stuff is occassionally weird or seems dated, but for the most part, it’s very good). The book can really help one understand the mindset of an abuser and is a great tool for survivors and the people who love them. This can be such a challenging situation to go through and I really feel for you. Stay strong!

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