Welcome to the 71st edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! NEXT month’s theme is FAMILY ISSUES. Bring us your questions about whether you go to THAT gathering, whether or how to cut someone off or reduce communication, sticking up for your partner, sticking up for yourself, looking out for vulnerable members of your family and more. Get those questions in by Wednesday, November 7th! Go! Do it!

The general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic, publish on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

How do you stop falling for friends? I have a bad habit of falling, sometimes quite deeply, for friends despite being in a monogamous marriage. I’ve never cheated, but I have had to cut several very close friends out of my life, especially when it appeared the feelings were mutual. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried telling my wife about the feelings, I’ve even, quite disastrously, tried polyamory. I’m happy with and committed to my monogamous marriage, so if I have to keep cutting close friends out of my life I will, but I would hope there would be another way. Keeping these friends in my life is not an option if I want to avoid falling in love, but I don’t want to end up completely friendless.

A:

Meg: This sounds like a really stressful situation, and I feel a lot of empathy for you. I also have a lot of questions, and I hope that in asking them, it’ll help you think through what exactly is happening here, because it sounds like there might be a few different factors in play.

My first question is around what “falling” really means to you. I hear a lot of stress about this in your letter, which makes sense particularly if the feelings are so strong that you feel that you have to cut off these friendships entirely — that’s a really hard thing! But what does falling in love (or lust) look like? How does it impact you, your friendships, and your marriage? Are you so consumed by thoughts of these people that you prioritize talking or helping or hanging out with them over your spouse? Are you distracted from work or play or hobbies or other relationships? Are you so attracted to them that all you want to do is get physically intimate when you’re together, in a way that you normally reserve for your wife? Do you feel like you don’t want to be around your wife because you’d rather spend time with these friends? OR — and this is a sincere question here — do you just really care about these friends, love spending time with them, and want them to be happy?

You mention being happy with and committed to your marriage, and you also refer to your experience with polyamory as disastrous. But it also sounds like something’s gotta give, because I don’t want you to be friendless either! Are you uncomfortable with the intensity of your feelings towards your friends? Are these relationships making your partner uncomfortable? Are you holding yourself to a particular standard around monogamy that isn’t really working for you? What are your personal definitions of platonic love versus romantic love, and how do they differ? Where did these definitions come from, and are your definitions different than the ones that your wife holds?

I know this is a lot of questions, and that the format of this column doesn’t really allow for easy back and forth. (And honestly, the only person who can answer these questions is you!) I ask them because I love my friends deeply, fully, and truly, and I know a lot of other AS writers feel the same way. My friends are my family, and are the most important people in my life. But when I fell in love with my best friend, after loving her platonically for years, the shift felt very different — and it completely reframed and clarified the way that I felt about my ex, as I was in the midst of a divorce. Feeling intensely loving towards someone that’s a close friend is, to my mind, a normal and healthy and very, very wonderful part of friendship! But romantically falling for someone, in a monogamous context, can change the way you prioritize your time, energy, and resources around investing in relationships. Are these loving friendships negatively impacting your marriage? Or does it just feel like having intimacy with multiple people is somehow dangerous, or not okay?

Some of my fellow writers may have more to say on the topic of polyamory and open relationships, but I think it’s worth really considering why you feel like falling for your friends is such a big problem. Having intimate relationships with people you love and trust, in my opinion, is one of the most beautiful, valuable, magical things that we experience in this world — and I don’t want you to be stuck restricting your own sense of intimacy and vulnerability to the point that you are afraid to have deep friendships. But if your marriage isn’t as satisfying as you believe, or if your definitions of friendship are preventing the kind of intimacy that it seems like you’re craving, I think there might be more internal reflection to be done.

Q2:

There’s this guy I’ve known for about 5 years now, who I consider a friendly acquaintance but not a friend. We have common interests, values, and views on things, and he’s nice, but he’s the most draining person I interact with, and I’ve started dreading bumping into him. Both of us are neurodivergent, so I do get it, but he’s one of the most difficult people to communicate with I’ve ever encountered – not emotionally, but because he speaks in short and vague non-sequiturs, and doesn’t elaborate or connect things until prompted, so it’s necessary to come up with about three questions before he provides enough information to understand his comments. It’s cognitively exhausting, and I’m left conflicted because 1) when NT people struggle to communicate with a ND person, it indicates the ND person has to put that effort into EVERY interaction, and I understand that and don’t think it’s right to place all onus on the disabled person – especially as it’s often me. But also 2) it exhausts me, and I struggle to get through the day to start with.

Besides autism, he has extreme social anxiety, and a terrible minimum-wage job, so I know that he’s struggling, he has practically no support network at all, he’s not in a position to change his life circumstances and he doesn’t have the skills to build social connections elsewhere. He was home-schooled in complete isolation due to his anxiety, and has said that he’d never made friends with a stranger before I started idly chatting to him in passing 5 years ago.

I know it’s not my place to try to fix everything, both because I can’t place unreasonable demands on myself and because when he shares things, it’s clear that he just wants listening and recognition, not well-meaning suggestions and advice. I don’t think that type of thing is the problem here. I just think that likeability should not be the only basis for being treated well, from a disability justice perspective, and ghosting him would go against how I want to live in this world. But I’m struggling to maintain the internal resources to engage with him, instead of either avoiding him or just neglecting to keep asking three questions every time, so the conversations collapse. I don’t know how to turn this into a specific question, but does anyone have any thoughts about internal, emotional and social strategies that I could use in this situation, to take the unfair impatience and apathy and impulse to be avoidant, and cope with the emotional aspects of this situation in a way that makes it easier to maintain the supportive external behaviours? I’ve already decided that that’s the course of action I’m comfortable with, I’m just struggling with the how.

A:

Darcy: I’m curious what the extent of your interactions are with this person. Do you run into him in your daily life, or are you initiating contact with him because you feel he needs a sympathetic ear?

I think that people of all neurotypes deserve to spend time with people who enjoy their company and think of them as friends. I also think that because you find yourself drained when you spend time with him, and don’t feel the type of affection for him that would make you call him a friend, that’s not actually something that you can give him. I suppose there are some coping mechanisms you could find to tolerate his company more effectively, and if you were his coworker or otherwise compelled to spend time with him, I’d think it would be important for you to find some of these. But if he is an acquaintance you stay in touch with just because you don’t think he has any other friends, I’m gonna say gently and with love that I think it’s time for you to let go of this acquaintanceship.

As you say, liking someone should not be necessary for treating them with courtesy and respect, but it should be the basis for friendship. Likeability is also subjective, and whether you like someone or not is not a moral judgment on either of you. You are not a good fit as a friend for this guy. That does not mean that there are no people out there for him to be friends with. In his adult life, he will have to decide what type of existence he wants to lead, and take steps to lead it. If he wants to make friends, he will need to take steps to make friends. He may be able to do this with the assistance of people in his life, or he may do it on his own. That’s all his life, and his business. But it is not your role to fill this void. You’re a round peg trying to fit yourself into a square hole, and I think it’s not really fair to either of you to keep trying.

Q3:

I am a cisgender lesbian and I keep wanting to watch videos of men pissing themselves. I have no sexual interest in men, I’m not into piss play in bed with women, what the hell?

A:

Ro: Isn’t human sexuality wild? It’s normal and VERY common to get turned on by porn featuring people/ sex acts you wouldn’t be into IRL. Watching porn that features men doesn’t make you any less of a lesbian, and watching piss porn doesn’t mean you’re secretly craving a golden shower (of course, if it turns out that you ARE into dudes or piss play, that’s great, and I hope you get a chance to explore that part of your sexuality!). When it comes to sexy stuff, here’s my Golden Rule: If something feels good and it’s not hurting anyone else, then don’t overthink it. You deserve pleasure. Sometimes our brains and bodies react to stimuli in mysterious ways.

Q4:

Can I get some tips/recommendations on talking to current and future sexual partners about vulvodynia? It’s mild, so I’ve gotten in the bad habit of not mentioning it and just powering through the occasional moments of discomfort. I’ve stored up enough emotional mana to stop doing that – but what next?

A:

Ro: I’m so sorry you’re dealing with vulvodynia. I don’t have personal experience with it, but there are a few people in my life who do, and I cannot imagine how painful and frustrating it must be, especially during sex.

I’m happy to hear that you’ve stopped forcing yourself to power through sex that hurts! Now that you’re comfortable saying “stop” or “slow down,” you can start putting together your metaphorical (or literal) sexual toolkit. Your “tools” are the sex acts and toys that usually feel good in/on your body, and you can lean on those tools when sex starts to hurt and you need to redirect what’s happening. “Redirecting” might look like asking for a different kind of stimulation, using a sex toy, focusing on your partner’s body, taking a break, or something else.

A quiet note: It’s always a good idea to talk to partners about what works and what doesn’t work for you before you have sex. That way, they’ll be aware of your vulvodynia, you’ll both be familiar with the tools in each other’s sexual toolkits, and you won’t have to do as much negotiation while you’re actively getting it on.

Here are some things to consider:

1. How much do you want to share about vulvodynia with new partners? You can tell them exactly what you deal with, or you can just say you experience some pain during sex. You don’t have to get super specific with your medical information unless A) you want to or B) you want your partner to be able to do their own research.

2. What types of genital stimulation usually feel okay for you? Oral sex? Gentle pressure with a palm? Make a mental (or physical) list and share it with your partner before you bang.

3. Are there sex toys that you know you can comfortably use in/on your genitals? Bring those to your next hookup and ask your partner to use them on you (or ask them to watch you use a sex toy on yourself — this can be super hot!).

4. Are you open to butt stuff? I know that sometimes vulvodynia pain can affect the perineum and anus, but if your booty is mostly pain-free, ask your partner to rim you, try using a butt plug, or experiment with anal penetration. Your backdoor is a pleasure center, so if you’re open to it, add some butt stuff to your toolkit (and don’t forget to use lube)!

5. Are there ways you can access physical intimacy that don’t involve genital stimulation? This is something to keep in mind on high pain days or in moments when sex just isn’t working out. Do you like to cuddle or give/receive massages? Are you into BDSM (bondage, impact play, D/s, etc.) that doesn’t necessarily involve sex? Share some of these ideas with your partner.

Overall — and this is important for everyone — make sure you’re having sex with people who respect your boundaries. If you tell a partner that what they’re doing hurts and they don’t stop, that is a big, red flag.

Q5:

Hi!! Not a question fully, but some of y’all who write for this website use pronouns other than she/her and I also do, but sometimes the TikTok children are very invalidating about being a nonbinary lesbian / a lesbian who is not a woman. Literally nobody I have ever met in real life has cared AT ALL but how do I stop letting TikTok discourse make me invalidate myself.

A:

Ro: I’m sorry you’re encountering people on social media who are invalidating your identity — that sucks! It makes sense that this is bumming you out, and you’re definitely not alone. Online discourse is the worst, and the people who trying to exclude trans and nonbinary people from the lesbian community clearly know nothing about queer history.

I know you’re not explicitly asking for advice on how to deal with this, but here are some unsolicited tips from a they/them dyke just in case you need ‘em:

1. Delete TikTok, take a break from TikTok, OR aggressively curate your FYP by following lots of trans and nonbinary lesbians or cat influencers or anything/anyone that brings you joy instead of stress. TikTok is designed to keep us coming back for more, and it’s so easy to get sucked into hate-watching content that makes your blood boil — so you have to manage if/how you consume that content if you want to stay in a good headspace.

2. Read about the history of gender non-conforming lesbians! That way, the next time you encounter someone who’s making false claims about who belongs in the lesbian community, you can say, “Ha! I know my history! I’ve always belonged here, you fool!” Here are some of my favorite resources:

Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg
Butch Heroes by Ria Brodell
Blues Legacies and Black Feminism by Angela Davis
The Persistent Desire: A Femme/Butch Reader by Joan Nestle
Dagger: On Butch Women by Lilly Burana, Roxxie, and Linnea Due

Darcy: Okay, I am resisting the urge right now to break into song. “It’s the cirrrrcle of life…” Long ago, I was a queer person on the early internet, and people in comments sections and forums made me feel very scared and judged! In that case, it was because I had dated men and am not a Kinsey 6. Now it sounds like the gatekeeping is alive and well on Tiktok! Everything old is new again!

Ro has excellent advice. I’d like to add this: those gatekeepers? They are not your people. In real life and on the internet, with some work, I think we can intentionally build the communities we want to be a part of. The communities I want to be a part of are always going to be those who have a mindset of abundance, not scarcity — people who are more interested in sharing space than in gatekeeping it.

The great news is, those people exist! They exist in communities like Autostraddle, they exist throughout history and on through today with the writers Ro listed, and they exist in real live people I have met in my own hometown (and people, it sounds like, you’ve met in yours)! Having intentionality when we decide whose company to keep — even (especially) online — takes time and work (and discipline, when Tiktok is calling to us), and in the queer community, sometimes it can be a little harder than it would be if there were just MORE of us around, but it can be done, and it’s important work, both for your sense of self and for the strength of our communities.

Finally, I’d like to say HI, I SEE YOU, NONBINARY LESBIAN LETTER WRITER! Thank you for being here! I’m so glad you’re here!

Nico: Just here to say I SEE YOU AND YOU ARE AWESOME. Also, I fully deleted TikTok because it made me feel bad. Have not gone back. No desire to.

Q6:

Does Sally know of a site that states whether any book (or film!), especially queer ones, have rape or gore in them? I rely on reviews or content warnings to prevent getting triggered by this, but it’s so common in media that not every author/publisher/reviewer thinks to mention it.

A:

Sally: I happened to find such a site while researching queer book databases! The Trigger Warning Database basically does exactly what you imagine, tagging books according to a comprehensive range of triggers. You can search by book title, author, or triggers themselves. It isn’t queer-specific, but a quick scan shows that several big-name queer authors are there. Hopefully it will get increasingly comprehensive as it is updated frequently!

I’m not super familiar with film versions, but I know of Does the Dog Die (which covers more than you may think!), and there several others listed on .

Casey: Hi, I am not Sally, but I have an additional book resource, which is a really cool indie Black women-owned bookish social media app, Storygraph. For every book in its database, Storygraph lists content warnings (author and reader submitted) in three categories: graphic, moderate, and minor. The options for content to list is quite extensive, including transphobia, alcoholism, gore, suicide, misogyny, sexual assault, and lots more. You can see how many people have tagged a given book with a specific content warning and at what level, which I think is quite helpful! The author submitted / approved content warnings are a nice touch too. And you can help build the database by adding content warnings of your own!

Q7:

Please, wise internet queers, can you tell me of any high fantasy TV shows/movies without horrific violence against women? Asking for myself and my gay friends who like dragons and swords but don’t wanna watch awful gore. If it could also be gay, that would be hella rad.

A:

Valerie Anne: Have you watched The Shannara Chronicles? It’s older, and over, but it was high fantasy and not particularly gory – it was an MTV show after all – but I really loved it. And it has a sprinkle of queerness. Most of the more recent high fantasy I’ve been watching has been cartoons but they are also great and queer, like The Owl House, The Legend of Vox Machina, and Arcane. Hopefully soon The Priory of the Orange Tree becomes a series or set of movies soon!

Q8:

My girlfriend officially told me she was bi when we got together 4 years ago but I’d never actually seriously considered she was bi until now. She’s always just called herself queer and I was like no way she’d actually date a guy based off what she wants out of a relationship. But recently we were talking and she was like I’ve had as strong feelings for men as for women. I also technically fall outside of the lesbian spectrum since I am into non-binary and gender queer people, but I’ve never dated cis guys and I’m not interested in them. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that she could eventually date or marry a man in the future and I don’t know why. We’ve talked about getting married and having kids in the future but now I’m worried when she gets baby fever she’s going to leave me to be with a man because you don’t need to go through the whole IVF/insemination process (unless there are fertility issues) which can be very expensive and taxing on someone’s body. What doesn’t help either is that I keep seeing things (books, stories) about women being queer but only choosing to date men and eventually marry men. What I don’t like is that this feels like biphobia and is taking up a large amount of mental energy. I also want to be accepting of my girlfriend’s identity and who she likes without judgement. I think I’m insecure about something. Is it the fact that society pushes women to date men and I’m uncomfortable with that? Is it that it seems that most queer/bi/pan women tend to stick to men? Is it that lesbian relationships are seen as less valid by society? Is it the fact that I can’t just impregnate a woman?

A:

Casey: Hi friend, you are indeed correct, this is biphobia rearing its ugly head! It can sneak up on the best of us, even bi+ people themselves. How do I know? Because the types of worries and insecurities you’re sharing are not limited to lesbians, queer women, or nonbinary people who are dating bi women. Believe me when I say that despite their societal privileges, cishet men dating bi women also experience feelings of insecurity and tell themselves their girlfriend will leave them for a woman, because here are all the reasons women are better than men or because she’ll want to be in a queer relationship, or because bi+ people are never satisfied with one partner, the list could go on. From a place of insecurity fueled by biphobia, the examples I just gave and the idea that your girlfriend will leave you to have a baby with a cis man can seem eerily rational. But the thing is, they’re not! They are not a reflection of your partner or your relationship with her.

You as a queer woman (and your girlfriend too) are indeed affected by heterosexism (“society pushes women to date men”) and that society sees lesbian relationships as less valid (homophobia!) But these factors are not why you’re feeling insecure. Biphobia is the culprit! I really want to push back on the idea that “most queer/bi/pan women tend to stick to men.” 1) We don’t have any evidence this is true, especially given that lesbian/queer women’s communities can be very biphobic – women in lesbian relationships can hide or avoid naming their bisexuality, I was one of them so I know! 2) So what? The dating pool of men who date women is statistically huge compared to women and nonbinary people who date women, plus heterosexism and homophobia affect people’s dating life! That doesn’t make them any less queer. And isn’t your girlfriend herself and her relationship with you proof this isn’t true?

I think there are two answers here: 1) educate yourself on bi+ identities, experiences, and biphobia; 2) talk to your girlfriend! Read/watch books and movies, etc about bi+ people that your girlfriend recommends. Talk to her about your worries in a way that acknowledges you know biphobia is fueling your thoughts and feelings. As a lesbrarian, I am honestly baffled that you are encountering only stories of bi+ women in relationships with men, because there are sooo many bi f/f books out there I almost don’t know where to start with recommendations! I want to gently suggest that the limited number of books/stories that are out there about bi+ women and men are really sticking out to you because of the worries you’re having right now. As a bi woman married to a man, I have consciously looked for this representation in books and it is few and far between!

A few bi+ books to start with (ones about bisexuality and ones that feature bi+ women in relationships with women):

Dear John I Love Jane, edited by Candace Walsh and Laura Andre
Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution by Shiri Eisner
Mistakes Were Made by Meryl Wilsner
We Play Ourselves by Jen Silverman
Wow No Thank You by Samantha Irby
The Romance Recipe by Ruby Barrett
Bi: The Hidden Culture, History, and Science of Bisexuality by Julia Shaw
Count Your Lucky Stars by Alexandria Bellefleur
Greedy: Notes from a Bisexual Who Wants too Much by Jen Winston

Q9:

Questions for neurodivergent writers — I recently got diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. Now some things make a lot more sense. One thing I struggle with is finishing projects once my brain moves on to something else. I really want to develop my writing skills and take my short stories and novels from draft form into polished pieces, but I struggle SO MUCH with revision. Feels physically and emotionally painful to return to a piece and try to work on it once my brain has decided the fun part of writing the story is done. I always thought I was lazy, but reading more about ADHD has made me realize that this is just how my brain works. I know that even neurotypical writers struggle with revision, but a lot of the general advice hasn’t felt helpful. Do any of the writers on the Autostraddle team struggle with this too? If so, what strategies do you use? Are there any guides and resources geared towards neurodivergent folks that you would recommend?

A:

Darcy: Hello! ‘Tis I, an ADHD adult writer who also struggles with revision! Other writers who are more consistent with their writing practices specifically with fiction may have some great tips for you, but I’ve gotta say, the number one thing that keeps me in line is being accountable to other people. The good news is, you can build this accountability in whatever ways you find that work for you! Maybe it’s a writer’s group, or a writing partner. Maybe it’s sending your pieces into a lit mag before their submission deadline closes. Maybe it’s signing up for a community college creative writing class that you take over and over again, and have to turn in revisions by their due dates (a practice I found extremely helpful in my twenties)!

Valerie Anne: I agree with Darcy – an accountability buddy helps me so much in so many ways. To expand on that too, having someone edit my piece helps reading it feel like a brand new task for me. I also struggle with revisions because my brain is like WE ALREADY READ THIS because we wrote it, but when someone has made revisions or suggestions, it sort of transforms the task from “reread this” which my brain refuses to do and makes it “look at this to-do list of recommendations you need to review” and in deciding which revisions I’ll take or not take, I end up rereading and revising. I also find, when that’s not an option or I don’t have time to ask for a second opinion, sometimes even just writing or reading something else and trying to blank slate my brain helps, walking away from it for a while then coming back to it after my brain has been focused on something else for a while to give my brain time to forget some of the exact phrases to help it feel like a new task again.

Q10:

Hello, I am in Europe and 8 years ago, I moved to one of the countries next to my birth country. The pandemic has been isolating for me, as I have a chronic disease for which I take drugs that compromise my immune system. I have also gone back to school while continuing to be employed, and have felt overwhelmed a lot. Last June, I missed the 40th birthday of my childhood best friend. I had been invited, but soon realized I was too tired to make it. Her girlfriend offered to organize a FaceTime during the party, which never took place. I also failed to send a gift. I did manage to send a card I thought was silly and cute, but that’s really not a lot. (And I’m sorry I missed that party because they have lots of friends and I appreciate most of them! I haven’t been to a huge party in forever and I completely miss it!) This friend works a lot (she cooks in a restaurant), and I don’t want to lose contact, but I feel totally awkward and don’t know what to do… Any advice for me on how to reconnect?

A:

Ro: Oh friend, you’re going through a lot! Working and going to school while dealing with health issues PLUS the ableism and isolation that come from a poorly-managed, ongoing pandemic sounds incredibly overwhelming. Managing to send a card to a friend is an extraordinary feat under those circumstances.

You didn’t say anything about your friend being upset, so I’m going to assume that missing the party is a way bigger deal to you than it is to your friend. She’d probably be happy to hear from you, and if she does harbor any resentment, I assume she’d understand why you had to miss the party once you tell her about everything that’s been on your plate.

So reach out! But don’t reach out with a grand, six-paragraph apology that your friend might not want or need. Just tell her you’re thinking about her, you’re bummed that you had to miss the party, and you’d love to chat soon.

Valerie Anne: Any friend worth half a hoot will understand why you had to miss the party. I know that feeling, of thinking you have to have a Big Talk about something you did, but like Ro said, I think in this case just saying you’re sorry you missed the party, and maybe even ask how it was to show that you are interested. If you’re up for it, maybe you can even suggest hanging out just the two of you as a belated birthday hang. Even if you just go to one of your places and order in, something chill and easy, but just to show you value spending time with her, even if you can’t do it in all the same ways you might have in years past. I also know that sometimes it can feel disheartening to make plans weeks, or even months, in advance, but in my opinion that’s a better way to keep up with someone you don’t see too often, so that it’s not just an endless cycle of “are you free next week?” every week ad nauseum. Having something in the calendar, even as far as six months out, can help keep momentum in a friendship that isn’t part of your closest circle.

Q11:

do i owe processing galore to a fellow queer i met through an app mere weeks ago? background: we hung out (not a date), they developed a crush, i made clear i didn’t reciprocate it. after briefly considering a fling, i opted out and communicated that the imbalance of feelings and their lingering hopes make me uncomfortable. so romance and physicality were off the table. but bec they emphasized that the friendship part is most important to them, we hung out occasionally — after all i do want to build community, we share some interests and often talked easily. i am always very intentional on not being ambiguous though, like no hugging or flirting, continuing to say i need space and acting accordingly, etc. alas they crave constant processing and while i respect their need, there have already been processing conversations and i can’t have one or several at or following each hangout! they are also overly clingy, banter muchly and don’t take up on clues or even direct words for ending an afternoon out. so i am beginning to despise them and while i wouldn’t do it, ghosting does start to seem like a viable option here…

A:

Casey: In short, do you owe this person processing galore? No, I don’t think so. It is not a longstanding relationship and you have been honest with this person the whole time. I think it’s understandable that ghosting is starting to feel appealing, because your past efforts at direct communication have not gone well. Of course you don’t want to be friends with someone you despise and, if they knew, they wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who despises them! I know this person said the friendship was the most important thing, but I know I certainly have said I could be friends with someone I had romantic/sexual feelings for they didn’t reciprocate and I was lying to them and myself! I wonder if that’s what’s going on with this person. In any case, I think a text based approach to letting this person know you don’t want to continue hanging out with them is your best bet. All you can do is be direct and firm but kind and gentle; their reaction is out of your control. You can ask them not to ask follow up questions or let them know they can with specifications (how many, how – via text or call, etc), but it seems like you will need to set clear boundaries. If it comes to it, you can always block their number. Good luck!

Ro: You absolutely do not owe this person any additional processing. You made your intentions clear, you’re not leading them on, and you’ve been trying to initiate a friendship over the past few weeks, which they continue to derail by sharing feelings that should be processed elsewhere.

I’m usually anti-ghosting, but given these circumstances, I do think it would be ethical to just cut off contact with this person.

That said, I don’t think ghosting would be the most beneficial choice for either of you. This person will probably be left with lots of questions, and I imagine they’ll continually try to reach out to you if you end contact without an explanation, which could get messy. Plus, there’s a chance you’d run into them somewhere and get stuck dealing with their questions and feelings then.

So here’s my advice — tell them (kindly, but firmly) what you told us: that you were clear about your intentions, and you were pursuing a friendship, but their need to process their feelings with you is exhausting and disrespectful of your boundaries, so you don’t want to continue hanging out and you don’t want them to contact you again. I agree with Casey’s idea to share this with them via text message. Given what you’ve described, initiating this conversation on the phone or in person will probably lead to another long processing session. Good luck!

Q12:

Due to some recent events, I’ve come to realize that I really need help with boundary-setting during / around sex. I have found it really, really hard to ever explicitly say no to sex (particularly with men) even in situations where having sex with that person is against my values or I feel quite certain I don’t want to. It makes me particularly susceptible to even light pressure or coercion, and while I recognize that my sexual partners have crossed lines at times, what I really want to focus on is my agency in these situations. There are times I could have walked away but I didn’t, because I was afraid of losing value, of hurting feelings, of being seen as less than, etc. Instead I just kind of dissociate through it. I’m working on this in therapy but I have also found that self-help books are really helpful, particularly around boundary-setting in other parts of my life. Right now I’m looking for resources that focus specifically on this kind of boundary setting in sexual encounters. Do you all have any advice or resources to recommend? Any personal experience with moving through this kind of thing yourselves? Thank you so much, so so much.

A:

Ro: I’m so sorry you’ve been in situations where you’ve been coerced into having sex you didn’t want, and I think it’s super badass that you’re working on setting boundaries. It’s a tough skill to develop, and unfortunately, there are lots of people out there who make it really hard or impossible to say “no” or “not right now.”

Re: books — I love Getting It: A Guide to Hot, Healthy Hookups and Shame-Free Sex by queer author Allison Moon. The book has a great section on identifying and setting boundaries that you might find useful.

For me, exploring BDSM has been the best thing I’ve ever done for my sexual communication skills. It’s taught me how to negotiate sex (and other sex-adjacent activities) in advance, find sexual partners I trust, communicate my needs while sex is happening, and call out sexual partners who are pushing or crossing my boundaries. If that’s of interest to you, check out some local or online kink workshops (my favorite kink educator is Midori). Also, BDSM doesn’t have to involve any sex at all, so it can be a fun way to experience physical/emotional intimacy with other people when you’re not in the right headspace for fucking.

Casey: First of all, ditto on what Ro said about you being badass about addressing this and putting in the work. It is not easy! Other than the book Ro mentioned, here are a few others you might want to check out:

A Quick and Easy Guide to Consent by Isabella Rotman and Luke Howard (Learn more about the book and its queer author in this interview with Isabella Rotman on Autostraddle!)
Unfuck Your Boundaries by Faith G Harper
“How To Negotiate Better Consent: An Asexual Perspective”, an article by Angela Chen on Autostraddle dot com! (Chen’s full length book Ace has more of her ideas on consent as well. If you jive with the article, you will definitely like the book!)
Ask: Building Consent Culture, edited by Kitty Stryker (This anthology has a queer editor and queer contributors, with an afterword by Carol Queen, a queer sex educator. If you like it, there is also a companion workbook with practical exercises.)

I am wishing you all the best! 💜

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