Welcome to the 69th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! THIS month’s theme is LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP ISSUES. Bring us your communication problems, your “am I the asshole?” moments, your patterns that need re-patterning, old habits you want to break or new habits you want to build, questions about monogamy and polyamory, questions about finances, journeys you all are embarking on together (marriage? kids?) and more! Get those questions in by Wednesday, October 12th! Go! Do it!

The general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic, publish on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

I am in love with a close friend of mine. I know my feelings aren’t returned, after a conversation I’ve had with her. I know I should be moving on and getting over her, but I’m not really sure how. I don’t feel there’s any point dating someone else when my thoughts are so wrapped up in someone unavailable. She’s also such an important friend to me I don’t really want to cut down communicating with her. It is unlikely I’m going to see her for another month, but I’m worried that isn’t going to be enough.

Do you have any words of wisdom?

A:

Ro: First, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with unrequited romantic feelings for a friend. That’s a tough position to be in. I know it probably feels like you’ll never get over her, but trust me — you will. It just takes time, in the same way that getting over a breakup takes time. You said you don’t want to cut communication with her, and I get that. It’s hard to take space from your unrequited crush when that person also happens to be a dear friend. But sometimes taking space is the best choice we can make for our healing, and I hope you’ll consider it. It doesn’t have to be forever, and it doesn’t have to be a total cut-off (although for me, taking space usually involves zero contact — not IRL, not on the phone, and not on social media). Taking space from an unrequited crush has helped me: A) accept the fact that this person is not into me and that nothing I do will change how they feel, B) build my identity outside of that friendship, C) practice leaning on other friends, and D) learn how to show up for my former unrequited crush/friend as a friend. You’ve already shared your feelings with your friend, so if you decide to set some boundaries for yourself while you heal, I think she’ll probably understand and respect that choice.

Casey: I want to chime in here and say I agree with Ro that taking space is the best way to move on, even if it’s hard, even if you don’t want to. A month, like you said, is really not very much time. Think of how long you’ve been in love with her compared to a mere calendar month! Do you have another friend you can confide in while you take space from this other friend? Like anything that might be hard to stick to, it helps to be accountable and have support!

It sounds like you’ve already been brave and upfront in your communication. Honestly, good on you for taking the risk to talk to your friend about your feelings, that is a big deal! So I hope that being open with your friend about taking some deliberate space is doable for you so that she knows what’s going on with you. You can do this, and you will move on, and you will be able to rekindle the friendship after some time has passed. 💜💜💜

Valerie Anne: First of all, my heart goes out to you; unrequited crushes are the worst, especially when it’s on someone who is so important in your life. To add to what Ro and Casey said, I think it’s important to take time and space to sort out your feelings. Some people might disagree with me, but I also don’t think going on a few first dates or having casual hook-ups if you want could hurt, to help retrain your brain from thinking about your friend as The Crush and kind of opening your mind. I agree that you shouldn’t enter into any kind of serious or exclusive relationship while you still hold these feelings but if you’re up front about wanting to go on casual dates or have no-strings fun with people, it might help the tunnel vision. To clarify: I do think this should happen after you’ve taken some time and space to grieve the hope of a relationship, of what could have been. Go no (or lessened) contact for as long as you need, listen to some angsty songs, cry about it in the bathtub, then do the work to move on. It’s going to be the only way to preserve the friendship. And don’t let this experience keep you from shooting your shot with other people; just because being brave didn’t work out this time with this person doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. I admire your openness and hope your friend does too, and is willing to work with you to find a way to make you both comfortable in your friendship again, even if it looks a little different moving forward.

Nico: I love everyone’s advice above and also want to reiterate that, honestly, I think unrequited crush friendships are kind of par for the course, in a way, but also that they’re beautiful. It’s a beautiful thing to see someone and to crush on them. It’s okay if they don’t return your feelings as long as you respect their boundaries. Humans are messy and affectionate. It happens. You are strong, and you can move on, but what I want is for you to not feel bad that you recognized that this is an awesome human! You think they’re great! That’s totally okay! I just want to give you permission to move through your feelings at your own pace but to know that crushes on cool people are perfectly okay! It sounds like you are respecting your friend’s boundaries, and that is important, but I also wanted to chime in and reitarate that you don’t need to feel any shame for crushing even though the feelings aren’t returned. I love that you have love that can be shared and I’m looking forward to you finding someone who returns your crush someday in the future ;) Cry to good crying songs (as folks have recommended above), journal, let yourself feel without shame, give yourself whatever space you need, and know that you are good.

Q2:

ok buds. over the past week, I matched with, went on two dates with, and then got dumped by this babe from Tinder, and I’m still reeling a bit as a result.

To back up: our two dates were both really good dates (rare for both of us!!) , we had a hot makeout, and were mutually very excited to continue getting to know each other. On our second date, we both opened up about some vulnerable things in the natural course of conversation, which felt intimate but not uncomfortable. The next day she wrote to me and said that the night before, her best friend had admitted she has feelings for her, and that she (the girl I went on two dates with) had decided to end things with me so she has space to think about whether she wants to date her best friend, and so she doesn’t hurt anyone in the process of figuring things out.

I think this decision of hers is a smart and considerate one, and I completely understand it. I’m also feeling pretty hurt, upset, insecure and undesirable right now: I didn’t even know she was attracted to her friend, let alone that she was more attracted to her friend than she was to me! She and I had started going on dates BEFORE her friend said anything! I thought we had a real, significant, exciting connection! ………..ugh. Any advice on moving through these feelings? Particularly for someone who is, for whatever reason, going through a phase of datesy connections continuously not working out?

A:

Casey: Friend I’m so sorry this happened to you! It really sucks. It sounds like this date made every effort to be open and honest with you, and to prevent you from getting hurt. But as you said, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

One thing that is so hard to believe but I think you should keep repeating to yourself because it is true: this decision doesn’t have anything to do with you. Your mutual feelings and experiences with this date were real but two dates with someone is peanuts compared to a lengthy relationship with someone as best friends. Maybe your date didn’t know she had feelings for her BFF until the friend told her their feelings. Maybe she’s not sure how she feels yet. Clearly though, she made the decision to stop dating you based entirely on a factor that literally has nothing to do with you and was all about a potential relationship with her BFF.

Hard truth is that it seems like time is always the best healer of this kind of stuff. Are there some hobbies or interests you can dive into to divert your energies elsewhere for a while before hopping back into dating? That’s what I would do.

Sa’iyda: I have been in this place and it is the absolute worst. Of course you can’t help but feel like you’re doing something wrong. But you aren’t, I promise! It’s just that the universe is handing you some truly crappy luck, and you have to ride the wave out unfortunately.

It’s okay to take time to lick your wounds. Reach out to someone you can talk to or commiserate with; it will do you a world of good to get the “woe is me” feels out of your mind. Set a clock to your wallowing though. After that, you have to make a concerted effort to move on. If you don’t want to jump right back into the dating pool, that’s beyond valid, and you 100% don’t have to. In fact, if you’re feeling really low about yourself, I would definitely suggest taking a break. You need to go into dating clear-headed and well intentioned.

As Casey said above, rediscovering something you enjoy doing is a great idea for your downtime. Read some books that bring you joy, reconnect with a friend you haven’t spoken to. Or reconnect with yourself! Take yourself out on dates, find new things that bring you joy. And then when you’re ready, you can put yourself back out there.

Q3:

What are your tips for taking great nudes as a transmasculine person? I was recently added to a friendly nudes group chat, and I’m having a hard time wanting to share photos where my naked chest is front and center (no hormones or surgery, for context). Wearing a sports bra or binder feels too covered up, but going tits-out make me look more femme than I feel internally. Thanks for any ideas!

A:

Ro: Hello! Fellow masc person who enjoys sending/receiving nudes here! Someone dropped a similar question in our advice box back in February. That person was a stone top who wanted to take sexy nudes that were a little less…well, nude. Here are some of the suggestions I gave them, plus some additional tips for your specific needs (heads up — some of these will require you to set a timer on your camera):

-Your nudes/thirst traps don’t have to show any part of your chest/torso in order to be sexy. You can send a pic of your hands (bonus points if your fingers are dripping with lube or your own sexual fluids or a the juice from a particularly juicy orange — get creative!). Send a close-up pic of your mouth or your hairy pits. If you like to show off your muscles, you can also take some muscle pics of your back, thighs, biceps, forearms, calves — whatever body parts feel strong and sexy.

-If you want to show the front of your body without showing your chest, add some fetish wear. Maybe wearing a leather vest (with nothing else on your top or bottom half) will feel sexier than sending a pic in a binder or sports bra?

-If your chest is on the smaller side, you can take a photo of the front of your body while crossing your arms in front of your chest. I’m really into this pose because it emphasizes my biceps.

-Take a photo of yourself from the side lying on your stomach (this is a great one for showing off your ass).

-Take a photo of yourself pressing the front of your body against a wall.

-Take a photo of yourself hugging your knees to your chest if that’s something your body can comfortably do.

I hope these ideas help! Happy smutting!

Q4:

Dear AS,

During sex, my gf and I both squirt a lot. Towels are inadequate. This is a new thing for me and by all measures, except housekeeping, awesome.

Do you have any recommendations for a waterproof mattress cover?

Sincerely,
Good Problems
Or any other tips are appreciated.

A:

Ro: I wrote an article about this very thing back in 2020! When you want to protect your mattress from your super soaker sex, there are lots of different options depending on your needs/budget. I don’t have a specific mattress cover to recommend (maybe some of our other writers and readers do!), but I can give you a general overview of the pros/cons of a mattress cover, plus some other options.

While an absorbent mattress cover might be ideal for some folks, it has its downsides. If it’s the kind of thing you’re going to keep on the mattress at all times, and then presumably, you’ll have your sheets on top of it. That means that even though the mattress itself will be protected, you’ll still have to wash or at least dry your sheets AND the mattress cover (if it isn’t one of those plastic ones — but do they even make those anymore?) after every squirting sesh if you want to sleep in a dry bed that night. But maybe you’re down to rip off your sheets before you start getting it on. Then you’ll just have to wash the cover — but still, that involves unmaking and remaking your bed, which can be annoying.

Some people just throw down a towel or disposable puppy pads to soak up the squirt, but it sounds like you’re both particularly fountainous squirters, so a mattress cover might indeed be the best option for you. There are also some other options you can consider:

1. The Fascinator Throw by Liberator. This is a soft, absorbent blanket that absorbs liquid and also allows liquid to pool on top of it (like if you dumped water on top of a raincoat). It’s expensive, but it’s A) convenient, B) specifically designed for squirting, and C) doesn’t have to be on your bed all the time. You just throw it down on the bed before sex. It’s not going to cover your entire mattress, which might be a downside if you don’t want your movement to be restricted, but it covers more surface area than a towel or puppy pad.

2. Plastic sheeting from the hardware store. This is not especially eco friendly or sexy (unless you have a Dexter fantasy), BUT it’s cheap, you can cover up your whole mattress, and it does a decent job of keeping liquid off of your sheets and mattress.

Meg: Seconding the absorbent sex blanket! When I first went looking for one The Fascinator Throw wasn’t in stock in the color and size I needed, so I ended up ordering a cheaper version and it works really well, in case the other recs don’t fit your budget. The medium size covers most of a full or queen-sized mattress.

Q5:

Hey! I like sending, idk what they’re called, the easy recorded voice things most messaging apps allow.

They’re great especially when I want to talk passionately about something that would take a lot of words to type it all out, and in the process lose some of the passion

But I wish my friends could see them, cause you can’t always listen to them right away, and it would be nice if my friend could scan it and be like – are they talking about the tv show again? Or their plants? Or feeling emotional about people? Or whatever. Then they can know how urgent and what mood it is.

Also I wish there were an easy way to have them be subtitled for accessibility reasons; I have a voicemail receiver that gives me a transcript and it’s been revolutionary for me.

I know Christina Tucker and Drew (sorry if I spelled things wrong) are noted in autostraddle media for liking these voice things – do any of you have suggestions for solutions to my issues?

The current messaging app I use is signal, if that matters

A:

Valerie Anne: I’m not a voice memo person (maybe partially because I have an android) but I’m trying to think of what I would want if someone was really into sending them to me, and I wonder if you could send them along with a little tl;dr text? Like send the voice memo then follow up with a text that says, “Not urgent, just rambling” or “Important question” or “Not time sensitive” “just Tessa Thompson feelings” “spiraling, please help” etc. Just little summaries of the topic in 5 words or less. Or maybe with some of your closest friends you could even come up with a rating system. It could be as simple as red light, yellow light, green light, it could be as complicated/random as “a dolphin emoji means it’s urgent, a penguin means it’s not,” it could be an urgency rating scale from 1 to 10 like the pain scale, etc. And maybe if it is something time sensitive and you know that particular friend won’t be able to listen for a while, you can use voice-to-text instead; though I know that can come with heavy editing needs…or maybe my phone and I just aren’t on the same page and it would be better for you. I personally would love to receive a little caption with a voice memo just because I’m an anxious person and like to know what I’m getting myself into, but maybe if you can’t pick an option you prefer, you can just poll your friends and get a vibe check, see how they feel! Try a few things out, see what works!

Meg: I love sending voice memos, especially as the pandemic continues to go on and on — it feels more intimate sometimes than texting, without the pressure of a phone call. And while I know it’s not the same as captions, if I’m sending someone a voice message out of the blue I absolutely do what Valerie is suggesting and add a note providing a bit of context. (I rarely do that if I’m going back and forth with someone.) Particularly if it’s a longer message, I’ll just add something like “this is just me babbling about Harley Quinn again” so that we all know that there’s no urgency.

I typically don’t send a voice memo if there is urgency, simply because I know that depending on where people are, and what they’re doing, they might not be able to listen right away.

Q6:

Hi fine folks,

I have limited experience with dating and even more limited experience with telling people directly what is acceptable and what is not. I never had it modeled for me, and I never won a debate as I grew up. Okay, here’s the deal: From about 2017 to about 2019, I had a boyfriend who had to be at least 20 years older than me. We were okay as friends, but as partners, we were a complete mismatch, and we broke up. The trouble is that he kept begging me to still be friends, and was generally very clingy. While living at my parents’ house, he’d call their corded land line phone and if I didn’t pick up, he would just show up at their house and stand there on the porch until I came out to talk to him. Then, when I finally moved out of my parents’ house, I blocked his number on my cell phone and blocked him on all social media. He still tries to call me every weekend. I’ve blocked him on my phone. I thought that would solve all my problems. But he dials *67 and gets through as an “unknown caller”. He’ll start on Saturday and call 3 or 4 times per day until I finally pick up. I usually don’t answer on the first try. I never really want to talk to him anyway. Sometimes I go all weekend without answering. In that case, he persists in hounding me through the weekdays, especially in the evenings. Is this normal?? I doubt it. I wish I knew what others do when their exes behave this way. Sometimes I’m tempted to simply power off my phone, or chuck it across the room, or activate that feature called “silence Unknown Callers”. I think I’m still afraid that if I don’t eventually answer, he’ll tr

A:

Nico: The following answer is long and thorough and that is because I am taking this situation incredibly seriously. The following might be overwhelming and sound scary, but that is because I am concerned for you and wanted to make sure I was covering every angle I could think of. I am sending you tons of love because, well, this is not okay.

Just nope nope NOPE! This behavior is NOT OKAY. This is absolutely, definitively stalking and harassment. You don’t say that you’ve told him you don’t want to talk, but honestly, he’s ignoring your nonverbal / tacit cues, and I’m not sure that open confrontation will help in this scenario. I do think though that the first thing you need to hear and I am sure many folks in the comments will agree: this is not acceptable behavior from him. Is it normal? For abusers and stalkers it is. This is classic stalking behavior, as someone who has also been through it, I am so, so sorry. So, your question cuts off so I don’t know exactly what it is you’re afraid he’s going to try to do, but I do have to say, this scares me for you, so the first things I want you to do are to try and take steps to keep yourself safe mentally and physically.

Okay so, first: I would tell your family and friends about this situation, if you haven’t already, or, remind them of it, open up a dialogue. Like, obviously your parents know about this to a certain extent, but do they know he calls you every weekend, and that he does not stop until he gets ahold of you? It is important to your safety (and theirs) that they know that they are not to engage with your ex. If he asks where you are or where you live or for information about you or tries to contact them, they need to know not to engage with him or give him any info. Give them his phone number (if they don’t have it) and license plate number (if he has a car and you know it) as well as the description of the vehicle. Ask them to let you know if he tries to reach them but again, not to give him the time of day and to tell him to leave if he shows up to their place!

Second: I would also tell your work and give them the same info about him – physical description / number / vehicle description, if you work somewhere, (HR and boss are fine to start with) about this ex and ask them NOT to engage with him and to not give out information about you to anyone who calls or approaches them. The same goes with a school, in which case you may be able to approach a guidance office. Depending on your workplace or school, there may be specific programs or policies for employees or students experiencing gender-based / domestic violence, and I would look into those. You may be entitled to time off or counseling paid for by your school or employer (Or not! But I really have no idea what is available to you at the moment depending on your circumstances so it does not hurt to look into it.) I need to reiterate that even though he’s not been physical, or you have not said so, this repeated harassment is violence and it points to potential future danger. Even now, it’s disrupting your life, causing you emotional stress and turmoil and probably scaring you at times (or others! Such as when he would physically show up at your parents’ home!).

Third: I don’t know if you live in an apartment building, but if there is any kind of a building supervisor or front desk, I would also let them know about this ex, to not let him in, and to tell you if anyone shows up looking for you. If you have close neighbors who you talk to, I would let them know, too! Our neighbors are our first responders (like, in general, for everybody), and they are the people who are most likely to notice if someone comes by. When my mother had a stalker, it was actually someone else in the apartment complex we lived in who approached her and told her that someone had been watching her…because we had weird feelings and strange experiences but as it turns out, he had been sitting in the parking lot, watching us, and at times was also coming up to our windows to look in. It was someone in the building across from us who noticed. I am not saying this is happening to you, but I am saying it is possible and something to protect yourself against. Your ex has shown that he will physically show up to a place, so I want you to be prepared for that. Any neighbor, I am sure, would be happy to keep an eye out and to shoot you a text if they see something strange. You can exchange numbers and offer to be an emergency resource for them as well! Now, you’ve just strengthened your community ties with the people who live nearest you, and also you are just that much safer. You also have someone you can call if he does show up so that you are not alone. This is important!

Needless to say, if you have roommates, please also tell them all about this!

In general, I would practice good personal security (apologies in advance for HOW PARANOID I am about to sound). Also, apologies if any of this is something you already do or have done:

• Take different routes to and from home and try to come and go at non-regular times so that your schedule and typical routes aren’t easy to track.
• Try to spend time with friends and family more often than not while you are dealing with this, and go places in groups as much as is possible. It might even be a good idea to make sure someone goes grocery shopping / errand running with you.
• If you can actually get out of town for an extended period after finally and officially cutting off contact (more on that later) do so. Is there a friend or a relative you can stay with for a while? Even if you can stay with someone else in town, like if you need to stay for work or school, so you are not alone in your apartment or in a home where you are listed as the resident, that will be safer.
• If you feel comfortable, learn to properly use and carry on you some form of personal protection, such as pepper spray or a taser.
• Change all your computer / account passwords, including and especially any passwords your ex may have access to or seen you enter, and set up two-factor authentication for any accounts you can.
• Don’t post current locations on social media or future plans on social media. It’s time to embrace the later-gram! Make your accounts private if they aren’t already and vet anyone who tries to follow you (as he may try decoy accounts even though I know you said you already blocked him). If you have not yet had your social accounts on private, go through your followers and remove anyone who you don’t recognize or who you know is a friend of his.
• Keep your head on a swivel! Be aware of your surroundings, and try not to get too inebriated or high or anything for a while because it can make you less alert. I’m sorry but that’s just like an unfortunate thing to be aware of!
• Check your door and window lock situation and install extra locks as needed. Make sure you keep things locked up when you are sleeping or when you are out. Don’t leave doors unlocked when you’re home, even.
• If you are comfortable with doing so, you can install a camera outside your front door or other points of entry that is not wired into one of those crappy security systems that collect data on you but which is just a standalone situation that sends alerts to your phone if someone comes around. You can get something like that pretty cheap at your local Best Buy or Walmart or what-have-you.
• I really hope he doesn’t know where you live, and do NOT tell him, but it is unfortunately too easy these days to find out where someone DOES live. If you want to go really far, there are steps (in this Wikihow page yes) that you can take to try and get your address listing removed from various sites. I would also Google yourself regularly to make sure that nothing comes up that could reveal info about you should your ex be looking for you.
• If you have pets, do not let them outside unsupervised. Keep an eye on your pets at all times or as much as possible.

OKAY SO I have advised all of these precautions because, obviously, for your own mental well-being, it is time to cut off contact. The break-up or cutting off of contact (if already broken up) can be the most dangerous point in an abusive relationship, because things can often escalate if a stalker or abuser feels they are losing control (which they are, because you are taking control). I would advise changing your number if you can, which whoever you get your phone service through should be able to help you with, and giving it out to a few select people to start (your close friends, family, neighbors, work, school, landlord, utility companies, emergency contacts, etc.) only people who need it. Everyone else can contact you through your now private social media accounts. You can announce you have a new number on there but do not share it yet. Now, when he goes to call you, your number will either be out of service, or belong to a new person.

If you have not already clearly stated to your ex that you do not want to talk to or interact with them anymore, then you can do that and should do that before changing your number. However, as an older person, I feel like this person needs to leave you the fuck alone and he should know better, so I also don’t really care if you don’t tell him that! There’s no reason to keep bothering someone who clearly does not want to talk to you. However, if you do, then you DO have the benefit of having been super clear with him, so if you can manage it and feel safe enough in doing so, send him a written communication that says you are done. You can send him a final text, or an email or a certified letter telling him to leave you alone. (Keep a copy or a record of whatever this method is so DO NOT do this verbally or over the phone). It can be as simple as “We are broken up and I do not want to remain friends. I do not want to have any contact with you. Stop trying to contact me. – Your name” Once you do this, go change your number and/or engage with the not-accepting-unknown-caller settings. You will literally never receive an important message from an unknown caller.

Finally, keep a record of your contact cut-off and any future incidents. If you are able to, (from like, a mental health standpoint if this is possible for you at this time), it would also be good to create a document reconstructing incidents from the past several years. Save records of call logs, text messages, email, social media messages, try to pinpoint dates that he showed up at your home and confirm with your parents, and generally compile a record of any and all evidence that you have of this behavior and keep it somewhere safe / ideally backed up in at least 2 places digitally.

While I don’t think that the cops are going to be much help and it can be just as dangerous to interact with them, there may come a time when you need to file a request for a restraining order, and these records will be useful to you. They will also be useful if anything escalates. And if, ideally, eventually this behavior fades and he realizes he is going to get nothing more from you and he gives up, at least you will have the records to prove to yourself that you were justified in your feelings and in cutting off contact.

I also don’t know where you live, but you can start with talking to the National Domestic Violence hotline and they may be able to help connect you with support in your area. You can also text the Crisis Hotline for support. You can also do an online search for local support groups. I say this both because you may find you need help engaging in further safety planning or need to talk to someone if you need advice if something happens. You may also want to seek support, such as a local support group with other stalking survivors, to help with some of the psychological repercussions of being stalked like this. It’s not fair that this is happening to you and I am so sorry you are going through this. I recommend seeking group emotional support and also, if you can, one-on-one therapy. I also recommend opening up to your friends and family about the ways this affects you and letting them support you, too.

Finally, if you were going to say that you are afraid he’s going to hurt himself…I’m sorry to say that it’s his responsibility to get the mental health support he needs. Threatening to hurt oneself is a common form of coercion and it really sucks because it plays on your literally just being an empathetic human who doesn’t want anyone to be hurt! But here’s the thing — you are not obligated to associate with him. If you think his life might be in danger, like if he tells you he has hurt himself in a way that could be lethal, you can call an ambulance or the fire department and send them to him, but you are not obligated to talk to him. I also need to note that his behavior may not stop right away, but you should not engage with him. You need to hold firm so that you can get your space back…eventually. It could take months or longer. You may hear from him randomly in the future after you think things have stopped. Just hold firm. Stay vigilant. Stay as safe as you can.

Wishing you tons of luck and sending you so much love, friend. This is really hard. If anyone has any further advice in the comments, or just wants to show their support, please do share!

Darcy: Hi, friend! I’m mostly going to agree with and reinforce some of Nico’s comments. This will be a little bit of a summary and a bit repetitive, just because I want to second Nico’s excellent advice and repeat a few things to make sure they’re entirely clear.

1. No, this situation is not normal. It is coercive, and it is threatening. That instinct you have, to stop taking his calls, to want to throw your phone across the room? That is your brain and your gut telling you that something is deeply wrong here. It is not common ex-boyfriend behavior, and you should feel entirely free to change your number and cut contact entirely. You may feel tempted to rationalize this behavior away. “Oh, I know him, he’d never do anything to hurt me.” “We’ve been friends for years.” Etc. That impulse is totally natural. But behavior like this can escalate, and being prepared for that is super important.
2. Do not engage. If you decide to communicate further with your ex, be clear, impersonal, and bland. I used to rock climb, so I call this the “featureless wall.” Do not give him any toeholds. He doesn’t need to know about your feelings or your day or your job or your classes or your roommates. He doesn’t need to know anything except the boundary that you’re setting. The more you can be clear, impersonal, and bland, the less he will have to engage with.
3. Don’t let politeness get in the way of your safety. Men who are willing to violate boundaries in this way often count (and prey) on the fact that we will be courteous or nice to them. Nico’s physical safety tips are so important! If you do encounter him after he’s no longer able to contact you electronically, being firm, bland, and clear, instead of extra-polite or overly friendly, will be important. I tend to freeze up in those situations, so having a script that I can practice at home is helpful. “No, I’m sorry, you can’t come up. My roommates are expecting me. No, I can’t. No, I have to go now, my parents are upstairs.” Etc. Lie whenever it seems prudent.
4. Document everything. Don’t delete any voicemails or texts he leaves (if you really need to get them off your phone for your peace of mind, back them up elsewhere first). Write down everything you remember about the contacts and store it in a secure place. Tell your parents, your workplace and your roommates, as Nico says, and also please consider telling a neutral third party, like a college counselor, a therapist, or someone on that level. Cops can have limited usefulness, depending on your circumstances, but having other people who know about this is really important.
5. Please take care of yourself (not him). The only way that this man’s mental health is important to you at this point is any way he endangers you. I also want to make it very clear that you are not doing anything to him. Setting a boundary is not a harmful act. Stalking and coercion, the behaviors he’s exhibiting, are. Please do consider seeing a therapist, finding a support group, or engaging with a crisis center. There is usually a crisis center at universities, if you’re in school; they also exist in most cities. If you’re not aware of one near you, the crisis hotline Nico linked to should be able to point you in the right direction. They also may have additional information and strategies that didn’t occur to me — they’re experts!

Sending you lots of care.

Q7:

i just had a big breakup so i’m not looking to date anytime soon or anything, but the idea of trying to meet people again gives me anxiety. i guess you just have to do what u have to do to find true love! but anyways i was wondering if there are ways to meet ppl in this day and age still without online dating and social media as i’ve deleted my social media for mental health sake. would love to have ideas for when i’m ready to open my heart again! thanks in advance.

A:

Ro: You can absolutely meet people without using dating apps or social media! I’ve dated a LOT in my adult life, and I’ve managed to exclusively meet those people in person (sure, maybe we followed each other on social media after an IRL meet-cute, but my romantic connections have always happened in the flesh first — I struggle to get a feel for people I’ve only communicated with via social media and dating apps, so I don’t feel comfortable in virtual settings). Mostly, I’ve met people through pursuing my hobbies, learning new skills, and generally saying “yes” to social events. Is there a queer hiking group in your area you want to check out? Maybe you’d like to take a plant-based fabric dyeing workshop (I just did this in a buddy’s backyard!) or hit up your friend’s barbecue even though you won’t know many people there. Put yourself in group situations or become a regular on the patio at your local queer-friendly cafe. This can be fun because there’s no pressure to flirt unless you want to (and find someone else who’s down, of course). Even if you don’t feel a spark with anyone right away, you’ll probably learn something new and make some friends.

Darcy: Just going to jump in here and say that I’ve never met so many new people as I have since I adopted a friendly dog and started taking him to the park! YMMV, but like Ro said, HOBBIES! There’s really something to be said for finding public/social activities that align most with the stuff you’re passionate about. You’ll have built-in conversation starters, you’ll meet like-minded people, and whether you end up with new friends or maybe a date, you just never know where things might lead!

Q8:

The AS archive hasn’t answerd my one pregnancy question: What do I wear! Gender will be pushed on me so hard! I want ways to assert my queerness and nonbinaryness (nonbinaryhood?). And how many sizes up should I go with my pants! Dresses are just not an option at my workplace. What’s the best advice the AS team can give for keeping your identity when your body is changing?

A:

Casey: Hello friend from a recently pregnant person. Dressing while pregnant can be really tough and there is a lot of hetero/sexist bullshit around, even more than usual. As someone with a now one year old kid though, I can assure you that while you’re pregnant it feels like forever, it is actually quite a short time and you will get through the other side!

To answer the question about pant sizes: As far as I know, unless you are willing to wear your pants super super low, like below the belly bump and basically at your pubic hair line, regular pants are not going to cut it during a pregnancy, particularly once you are into the third trimester. For me, it was worth buying one pair each of pregnancy shorts and jeans; they have a very stretchy fabric at the top that goes up and over your bump. Depending on what time of year you’ll be in your third trimester, it might make sense to have a couple pairs of shorts or just pants.

For the first trimester and into the second, depending on how big you’re getting, you can keep wearing your regular pants and close them with a safety pin and wear an untucked shirt that covers the top of your pants. I don’t personally think it’s worth it to buy regular pants in larger sizes because they’re just not going to fit you for very long before you’d need another bigger size and eventually nothing will fit because a pregnant belly is just very different than any other tummy shape! You might want regular pants in a bigger size than you take now after you’ve had the baby, but I recommend waiting until after to see what size works for you then.

I also recommend checking out the “maternity” section at thrift stores, because pregnancy clothes are often hardly worn and you can get stuff in really nice condition for cheap! You also don’t have to deal with salespeople in a maternity store who are going to gender you. I found pregnancy cargo shorts at my local thrift store! Maternity clothes are a lot better than they used to be and it is possible to find stuff that a) isn’t hideous and b) isn’t aggressively feminized.

I am also here to recommend rompers and overalls! I’m not sure what your dress code at work is, but at the library where I worked, I wore rompers throughout my pregnancy. I dressed them up with an open blazer; I’m thinking you could use a suit jacket or something else that jives with your gender expression, as well as dress shoes. I particularly like this brand called Smash and Tess, which goes up to size 4X. If you’re looking for more of a men’s cut, check out their men’s rompers! Overalls in big sizes can also accommodate baby bumps and look very cool, imho. The nice thing about the option of rompers and overalls is they aren’t specifically “maternity” wear, so less gendered, and hopefully you can enjoy them post-pregnancy too.

Good luck on your pregnancy journey!

Sa’iyda: Casey gave some really good ideas, so I’m just going to add a couple things, especially along the lines of sizing. It’s been a while since I was pregnant, and I have a fall kiddo, so I went through a few seasons during my pregnancy.

For pants, I would advise going up two to three sizes depending on your bump. I had a pair of denim shorts that were two sizes bigger than my usual and fit until pretty close to the end fairly comfortably. I actually wore them on and off for about 6 years after I gave birth! I would also suggest something with an elastic waistband or drawstring. I’m not sure of where you work, but there are some very nice jogger style pants that can be dressed up/down. I wore a lot of leggings during my pregnancy, but I understand that they may not be an option for your nonbinary expression.

In terms of tops, oversize tops are always fashionable! If you’re in a place where fall/winter is approaching, an oversize sweater or flannel is always cute and still works post baby. Thermal henleys or the like are usually stretchy, so going up a size or two works for those. And to me there’s nothing sexier than an oversized button down shirt that you can wear open over a tee/tank or closed. A shaket (shirt jacket) or hoodies are great if you need everyday outwear as well. Good luck, and congratulations!

Q9:

dear autostraddle,
I love a worksheet! I love having a heuristic to think through something complex, especially when it’s as potentially confusing and amorphous as sex. (shoutout to the AS and Scarletteen sex worksheets!) My partner very much does not. They feel like it’s way too clinical and restrictive, and would prefer to have a conversation that can go with the flow and be more responsive, more in the moment, more two-of-us-together. Those conversations make me feel overwhelmed; I prefer to have time to process thoughts and feelings before committing them to words. a middle ground where I use worksheets to think things through and then we talk without them leaves my partner feeling blindsided, like I thought through everything all on my own and am presenting them with the conclusions instead of a collaboration between the two of us. we’re struggling to come up with other options.

but we want to talk about sex more! We want to have more satisfying sex! do I keep doing worksheets in secret and camouflage that process better so it looks like I’m going with the flow? do I ask her to cave and consent to setting a meeting agenda? these both seem like not great options! Help!

tysm autostraddle ilu <3

A:

Meg: Honestly, I think it’s completely fine and normal that y’all have different preferred methods of communication around this! Some people are more comfortable thinking through personal preferences out loud, while others want time and space and privacy to process their desires on their own. I love a worksheet too, and need a lot of room on my own to think about what I want, so I absolutely understand wanting to be able to come to a conversation prepared.

My first impulse is to suggest that y’all work through a worksheet or workbook together — perhaps one that you’ve both already looked at on your own, so that you have time to think about your own answers and your partner won’t feel surprised by the topics that are presented. Setting a meeting agenda might feel restrictive to your partner, but if you both agree ahead of time on topics that you want to discuss, and then pick a time to discuss them, it might work as a middle ground that lets you both feel comfortable. If a worksheet feels too restrictive, perhaps grab an intimacy deck or card set designed to help with conversations. You could each pick a few topics that you want to discuss and share them with each other in advance, and then have time to do as much or as little preparation as you like before you talk.

I don’t think this has to feel clinical or stuffy — you can have that conversation over dinner or drinks, while on a walk or a picnic, or pick out some new sexual experiences as part of the conversation that you try later on — but I do think that doing a bit of preparation will help you be more comfortable, without leaving your partner feeling too caught off guard.

I also want to gently suggest that in approaching these conversations, you both let them be more about exploration and discovery rather than “we have to solve this problem or reach a conclusion right now.” I understand the impulse to want to do your homework ahead of time, and to utilize a framework for organizing your thoughts and figuring something out (and again, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that!) — but if your partner feels like you’ve already done a lot of legwork without them and they’re now “behind” somehow, a little flexibility in this area might be useful for you. Communication in this case can be about learning more about the other person’s desires, needs, fears, cravings, and curiosities — and if you both are approaching conversations with this mindset, it might help them feel less pressure-filled.

Q10:

Hi AS team,
My lovely girlfriend of two and a half years just found out today that she’s HIV positive. Given various factors (long distance, our specific sex life, and a negative at home test), I’m fairly certain I’m negative, though I’ll be testing again with a healthcare provider to be sure.

My question is: how do I process this? How do I support my girlfriend through this scary time while also feeling my own feelings? There’s no issue of betrayal—we are open and I know she has a pretty active sex life. It’s just frightening! My girlfriend is in a precarious financial situation and has only semi-managed ADHD, so I’m really worried about her ability to adhere to a medication regimen. She did already contact an HIV org in her city for support, so maybe it will be ok?

I also just moved across the country for a new job and have yet to find a therapist here, so I’m trying to figure out a) self care strategies in the meantime, and b) how I can most helpfully be present for my girlfriend. I’m a pretty anxious person by nature and this news has really thrown me for a loop.

Idk if this is relevant to your advice, but we’re both trans (I’m nonbinary, she’s a trans woman) and I live in a relatively trans friendly state in New England, while she’s still in the South until she can move to join me. I could write a novel about all my worries—her struggles with self worth, my already complicated relationship to sexual intimacy and my worries that anxiety will get in the way… But I know that’s going to be a long process to work through. Where do I start?

A:

Ro: Learning that your partner has been diagnosed with a chronic illness — especially a highly stigmatized chronic illness like HIV — can feel really scary. And learning that you’ve been exposed to that illness is scary, too. First, let’s talk logistics.

Here’s some good news: Modern HIV medication is highly effective, and it can help your girlfriend stay as healthy as possible. It will also greatly reduce her viral load, meaning you and her other HIV negative partners will be much less likely to contract the virus.

HIV-related medical care can be expensive, so I’m glad your girlfriend has already reached out to an HIV org for information and support. If she’s uninsured or if her insurance sucks, she might be able to access medication through an HIV drug assistance program. You can find more information about those programs here.

Regarding your own health: If additional testing confirms that you’re HIV negative, talk to your doctor about taking PrEP, a medication that can lower your chances of contracting HIV by up to 99% if taken correctly (you may also qualify to get prep for free through the Ready, Set, PrEP program if you don’t have health insurance coverage for prescription drugs). Knowing that you’re on PrEP will probably greatly reduce any anxiety you might have about potentially contracting HIV from your girlfriend and from other sexual partners.

Using safer sex barriers in addition to taking PrEP reduces your risk of contracting HIV even more (and, of course, if you decide not to take PrEP or can’t access it, barriers alone will reduce your risk of contracting HIV). Talk to your girlfriend about any changes you want to make to your current safer sex practices within your relationship and with your other partners. Check out Planned Parenthood’s list of “no risk,” “lower risk,” and “higher risk” activities to get some ideas.

So how do you process your feelings about this? I’m happy to hear that you’re already searching for a therapist — I think that’s probably going to help you out the most. My girlfriend has been diagnosed with multiple, debilitating chronic illnesses in the past two years — that’s been hard on both of us, and therapy has been helpful. So far, my most reliable coping mechanisms outside of therapy have been: going for a daily walk outside, talking to friends, journaling, and seeking online support spaces for caregivers. My girlfriend and I also talk openly about her illnesses and how they affect our life together, but I’m still figuring out when it is or is not the right time to share my fears and anxieties about her health. I’m also still learning what my capacity is for both physical and emotional caregiving. You and your girlfriend will probably face a learning curve together, too, so if you hit some bumps along the way, don’t worry — that’s part of the process.

In terms of supporting your girlfriend through her diagnosis: well, everyone’s support needs vary, and they can change as time goes on, too. I think the best thing you can do right now is ask your girlfriend what she needs. This POZ article about supporting an HIV positive partner might be a helpful place to start.

Remember that eventually, your girlfriend’s HIV diagnosis probably won’t feel as big and scary as it does right now, and you can get through this together.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!