Welcome to the 68th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed, like this one! Next month’s theme is LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP ISSUES. Bring us your communication problems, your “am I the asshole?” moments, your patterns that need re-patterning, old habits you want to break or new habits you want to build, questions about monogamy and polyamory, questions about finances, journeys you all are embarking on together (marriage? kids?) and more! Get those questions in by Wednesday, October 12th! 

The general Into the A+ Advice Box, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

(Hair) How do you make short, wavy hair with good lift glossy without weighing it down? And i’m a low product person so if the answer was a shampoo/conditioner that’d be even better

A:

Nico: Glossy! That seems like it’s a conditioner/scalp situation. I would start with hair masks for shine. You can often get them in smaller packs so you don’t have to commit to one brand until you’ve tried a few, and they go on in the shower and so aren’t that hard to add to a routine, but they can make a really huge difference when it comes to the texture, shine and health of short, wavy hair! Also, if your hair is dry, it might be that your scalp is dry, in which case, I would recommend trying taking some argan or a specialized scalp oil and rubbing it into your scalp after washing your hair. In terms of products, there are actual literal shine sprays that you can use for a quick pick-me-up.

Q2:

I’m so glad you’re doing a hair theme! So I’m a white girl with thin-medium wavy hair and literally have never had any idea what to do for hair care. I’m the only one in my family without stick straight hair so I grew up with all the wrong products and advice and my friends with natural curly/wavy hair are people of color with much thicker hair and products that are too heavy for my hair. Living in Florida humidity also doesn’t help with my hair care. I’ve been trying to research but there’s just SO MUCH out there and I feel like I’m drowning in recommendations. What I’ve managed so far is swapping to a gentler, silicone free shampoo and only using microfiber towels on my hair which…has helped but I feel like I have so much more to learn. Any suggestions are welcome! Thank you again for being amazing!

A:

Katie: Hello! I also have wavy white girl hair and wow did it take a long time to figure things out. Honestly I am still figuring out things too because so much of my life was spent being told that I should straighten my hair or blow dry it to be less wavy and that my hair was frizzy if I didn’t do these things. Then I started working from home and stopping using heat tools on my hair and I was amazed at how much better my hair looked when I stopped trying to force it to be something it’s not. So I love that you are on this hair journey too and yes to microfiber towels and silicone free. I’ve also learned that the best time for me to brush my hair is when it’s wet using a wide tooth comb or a wet brush because they are both good at detangling without damaging. If I brush it later gravity and the force of the brush pull out whatever waves formed. I know people also like diffusers for wavy and curly hair drying but I’ve personally not found them to be that helpful, maybe you’ll have better luck.

Frizz happens when hair is dry and starts absorbing the humidity in the air (more or less, I’m not a scientist but this is my understanding) so it’s also a good time to use a hydrating product. Oils (I know it’s confusing I was like wait you want me to make my hair oily?!) and serums tend to work well for wavier and curling hair. Trader Joe’s has the most amazing smelling Coconut and Shea Butter Hair Serum. My hair stylist told me to use Olaplex Oil but it’s a lot more expensive.

You can also browse the store aisles but the products that say curly hair might be too heavy for you so look for words like light and weightless,

For humidity there used to be a hair line I loved by Herbal Essences called None of Your Frizziness but I haven’t seen it in a long time and the best I’ve found since is Velveteen Dream by Amika. It is not drug store priced hair care but it’s also not as expensive as the salon products and everything is silicone-free. I got it to try for humid af DC summers (it’s called a swamp for a reason) and it actually made a difference and then I used it when I got married in Florida. They have a humidity shield hair spray too.

Q3:

Hi! This is for the advice box about hair. I am afraid mine is falling out, like, more than normal. I mostly notice when I’m washing it but my brushes certainly gather some, too. I think my scalp is irritated (like, more than regular dandruff but probably not eczema or psoriasis as far as I can google) and although life has been sort of a lot lately, I don’t know if it’s enough to say it’s stress-related. I know that it’s normal to lose hair regularly, I don’t have any bald patches, but I guess, at what point should I become concerned?

For context, I’m 34, white, and have long (like elbow-length) hair, if that matters. Thanks y’all!!

A:

Casey: I have had times where I’ve thought I might be losing more than normal amount of hair too, and it is disconcerting!! I feel you. My hair loss was stress related I think, and then pregnancy / hormonal related, and I asked my maternity doctor about it during one of my checkups.

The issue is that hair loss can be caused by, like, a million things, like stress as you mention, but also hormonal changes, scalp conditions, etc. If you’re really worried, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to go get it checked out with a doctor, if that’s an option for you, especially since you’ve noticed that your scalp is irritated. More than regular dandruff sounds like a thing to check up on! It might even be a combination of more than one issue. A doctor can give you an idea of how much is a concerning amount to be losing too. (I googled and there were numbers like 100+ hairs a day, which doesn’t sound like what’s happening with you. But I do not trust google with medical advice!)

For what it’s worth, anecdotally I’ve heard from quite a few white cis female friends that they’ve noticed their hair thinning out as they get into their 30s. Like, not to a really concerning degree, but noticeable to them even if not really to other people. I have one friend who is super careful about slowly and gently brushing her hair so she doesn’t pull out any more hairs than necessary. If you are also a cis woman, I hope this anecdote is at least reassuring, as your age corresponds.

KaeLyn: Hi, I’m a shedder and definitely lose a lot of hair every day, especially when washing or brushing it. But that’s normal for me. I think if this feels like it isn’t normal for you, you should consult a medical professional. It could really be any number of things and you would at least have an answer from a professional. If you are losing a truly excessive amount of hair, especially since yours is long, you can sometimes tell if it feels like your ponytail is smaller when you put it up or if it feels thinner to you overall. Still, though, I’m a big advocate for trusting your gut instinct when it feels like something is not right with your body and talk to someone who might offer some advice or at least knows what questions to ask and who to refer you to.

If you don’t think it’s at the level that you are ready to seek medical attention, you could try washing your hair less. It seems like I always lose more hair on wash days than skip days. Or taking vitamins for iron or protein–but again, I’m not a doctor, so I’d really suggest talking to someone who is!

Q4:

Hair question: I think I may be over-shampooing my hair?? I have a short wavy butch haircut and do intense sweaty physical activity (mostly soccer and lifting, if that matters) 4-5 times per week. I shower, shampoo, and condition every day that I work out. When I don’t work out, I’ll just rinse off and try to keep my hair dry, or not shower at all if I haven’t sweat or left the house. Should I cut back on shampooing? Should I just condition on some days after rinsing out the sweat? Should I rinse my hair and/or condition it on my rest days? Dry shampoo has never worked for me. I’ve been tempted to try the “no-poo” route but I’ve heard there is a transition period and don’t want to be greasy during that time. My hair seems pretty healthy, but I think it could probably be a bit softer and also I would be happy to save money on shampoo if there is a better option. Also, it is ridiculously humid where I live, so it is tempting to not get my hair wet more than I absolutely need to because it takes ages to dry and I don’t always have time to blow dry it. Thanks!

A:

KaeLyn: How often you wash your hair is very much a matter of personal preference and what works for your individual hair type and texture. I have straight, thick, dry Korean hair and can go multiple days between shampoos. I don’t think it’s better than shampooing every day. I also don’t do intense physical activity every day and think I’d have different hygiene needs if I did.

It sounds like you have a hair type that does alright with rest days occasionally. I will say that there’s a midpoint between shower every day and no-poo. I also can’t get myself to go fully no-poo and I don’t know, I just don’t think it’s for me. So I’m in the shampoo every 2-3 days club instead. I found that as I gradually slowed down the number of days that I washed my hair, my scalp started producing less oil. With my hair type, which is naturally straight and dry, I can make it two days easily without any dry shampoo or greasy locks. So you could try just skipping the shampoo every other day and see how that feels over time and if you can continue to increase the time between shampoo sessions.

I’m a big fan of the cowash or conditioner wash for days you want to clean your hair, but don’t want to use shampoo. Again, your mileage might vary depending on your hair type. I find that if I scrub my scalp really well with just conditioner, it gets plenty clean. It’s a little different technique than how you’d usually use conditioner, as a sort of gloss on your hair. I really work it into my scalp with my fingertips, like I would a shampoo, and then rinse. I know some folks use one of those hair scalp scrubbers for cowashing, so you could look into one of those for your cowash days to really get your scalp and roots clean.

All this to say, yeah, I think you should try some things and see what works for you! I also think, frankly, there’s way too much hand-wringing about this topic. You’re definitely not going to ruin your hair by washing it every day. Plenty of people do that and are just fine. Nor are you going to become disgusting and unhygienic if you don’t wash it every day. So have fun playing around with what works for you and your hair and also, if washing every day is the best choice, that’s really fine. You can always try other kinds of treatments like hair masks, hot oil, deep conditioning, etc to add more moisture into your hair and scalp routine.

Q5:

Is there really a difference between super high end pricey shampoos and like, Herbal Essences and other drugstore brands?

How do I know what kind of shampoo and conditioner to buy? All the fancy ingredients sound complicated and I don’t know what they all do. I just buy the most average sounding stuff under $5. I want to do more but I don’t know where to start!

A:

KaeLyn: Truth? No, there isn’t a huge difference. What’s more important than what brand or price point your hair products clock in at is whether you’re using the right type of hair products for your hair type. It used to be that only pricey high-end shampoos had organic and sulfate-free, paraben-free ingredients. That’s not true anymore. Herbal Essences has all-natural options. Others may disagree, but my personal opinion is that what you’re getting with high price point brands is mainly more specific, less generalized hair care options. You’ll note that the fanciest brands, like Prose, actually match your scalp and hair type to your individual blend. And you’re getting better ingredients, but I don’t think there’s a huge difference in how ingredients perform just because they’re more expensive. (Someone else please feel free to disagree with me.) At a lower price point, there’s less choice around customization to your specific scalp and hair type and I think that’s why it seems like more affordable drugstore brands aren’t as good.

Having used both expensive, vegan, all-natural hair care products for periods of time in my life, as well as drugstore brands, which I’m currently using, I don’t notice a huge difference in my hair itself. Sometimes the fancy ones smell better or more interesting–I love a tea tree herbal smell–but my hair generally does just as well with drugstore brands suited to me hair type. If you’re asking if, the random bottle of stuff you buy without discernment at the dollar store is less good than a $40 pump bottle of shampoo, probably–but I think it’s less to do with the effectiveness of the product itself and more to do with the emphasis on specific hair needs with pricier products.

Q6:

HAIR! How do I go about finding a hairdresser I like? I’ve tried a couple in my city but haven’t really vibed with any of them. My hair isn’t very complicated, but I’m pretty introverted and easily overwhelmed. Does anyone have any tips for finding a good stylist?

A:

Casey: I am a fellow introverted person and have also had trouble finding a hairdresser who is a good fit. If you haven’t already, ask friends/colleagues/family in your city who their hairdresser is and what they are like. If you know one of these people in your life is also introverted, even better! Queer hairdressers are awesome too – although you didn’t specifically ask about a queer / queer friendly hairdresser – I recommend asking queer people in your life especially for recs!

If you’re more comfortable not having to keep up small talk the whole time (I personally loathe this), it seems like some hair salons are moving towards doing some customer surveys before they come in for the first time. (My mom, another introvert, recently experienced this — filling out an online form for her new hairdresser and it explicitly asked if she wanted to talk or not during her appointment! We live in a pretty small city so I feel confident some bigger city salons must have this option, too!) If you’ve got some recommendations or maybe have just done some googling, I would peruse their website and try out setting up an appointment for a new client and see if they have anything like this in their intake form.

A lot of hairdressers these days have Instagram or other social media accounts and if you’re thinking about trying someone, doing a little research on their social media to see if you can get a vibe might save you from making and paying for an appointment with someone who isn’t a good fit.

Good luck!!

Q7:

I’m growing my hair out after having it super short and mostly shaved for many years, and it’s grown to a point that I’ve found I need to switch up most of my hair care products.
my hair is fine, straight, and thick. I blowdry my hair so I’m looking for something like a mousse or cream to use that has heat protectant and will add volume. I’m also looking for a spray with volume and hold, but something that isn’t sticky because I touch my hair a lot 😳 I have scent sensitivities so they can’t be heavily scented.

A:

Nico: So, for fine, soft hair (which I do not have but my girlfriend has), I recommend texturizing powders. Here’s one from an indie company that has scent but not, like, the clinging commercial kind of perfume-y scents if that makes sense. For your hair type and length, I’d explore texture powders in general.

In terms of other products, I think a pomade might still be a good bet? They’re often VERY heavily scented, but the first brand linked above has a gently scented pomade. I would LOVE to hear from folks in the comments with unscented recommendations. I don’t know much about heat protectants because I don’t blowdry my hair, but if you want to be able to touch your hair, you might want to compromise with less blow drying and more of a pomade or hair wax because most sprays and mousses tend to be sticky/crunchy. If anyone has any tips in the comments, that would be awesome!

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