Feature Image via Getty Images/South Agency

Welcome to the 67th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! Next month’s theme is LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP ISSUES. Bring us your communication problems, your “am I the asshole?” moments, your patterns that need re-patterning, old habits you want to break or new habits you want to build, questions about monogamy and polyamory, questions about finances, journeys you all are embarking on together (marriage? kids?) and more! Get those questions in by Wednesday, October 12th! 

The general Into the A+ Advice Box, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time. 

So, now, let’s dig in!!

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Editor’s Note: We’ve gotten a question or two recently that has come in via multiple submissions to the A+ Priority Contact Box, but the thing is that the character limit on the box exists for a reason, and we put it there intentionally to make sure it’s not too time-consuming for our team to read any one question. It’s more fair to everyone who works here and more fair to everyone submitting their questions. So, thank you in advance for keeping your questions to one submission to the A+ box per question and also finding a way to keep them within the character limit. We appreciate you!

Q1:

Hello Autostraddle,

I’ve never done this before, so bear with me please.
A little bit of background:
I’m a thirty year old lesbian virgin who’s never even kissed anyone from Mauritius.
I’m a doctor and I’m currently in England to take part in an exam which will determine if I can practice medicine there or not.

So last week, right under my window, I was witness to an assault. A group of guys were beating up two guys. Today, whilst reading the news, I learned that it was a homophobic attack. I was already quite shocked about what I witnessed but after learning the homophobic part, it hit differently. It hurts more . I feel guilty that as a doctor, I didn’t go down there to try and help them after the attack. I should mention that the authorities were present at that stage.But I don’t know if I’m mentioning that just to assuage my guilt.

Now on to the virgin NBK part. I’m obese and I have various skin issues so I am without an ounce of self-confidence.I am also under psychiatric treatment for severe depression. Every year that passes, I think I’m becoming more and more of a freak for never having been even close to being in a relationship. In my mind, I’ll start ‘dating’ if and once I move to England permanently. But I’m getting older and older in the meantime
But also what if I fail my exam? It is an exam based on interpersonal skills after all and I’m diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.

Sorry for the long message. I guess I’m using you people as my therapist as my actual one is in Mauritius.
I don’t even know what I’m expecting from you , I just had to get it off my chest.

A:

Katie: First, you are not a freak and you are not a bad person for not intervening in the attack you witnessed. I want to start by making that clear before getting in to the specifics because you’ve said you struggle with self esteem and I want you to know there is nothing wrong with you.

Regarding the attack you witnessed, bearing witness to violence can be traumatic and can also bring up old traumas if you have survived violence yourself. You are not wrong for protecting yourself. You say the authorities were there and I assume this means the police? You are also not wrong for not wanting to interact with the police as a queer person and as someone in the middle of an immigration process. You say you are from Maritius so I imagine you might also be a person of color and again you are not wrong for wanting to avoid police as a person of color. It also sounds like you have a lot going on with this test and a lot riding on your ability to pass it so you are already under a lot of stress. You didn’t do anything wrong, the attackers did.

If you consider all of this and still feel that you should have acted, there are a few things you might be able to do to help you feel a bit better. One option might be to speak to the local authorities about what you witnessed if they need more information on the attackers, but I have very little knowledge of the UK legal system and whether or not that is a good idea and there are a lot of complex issues at play when police are involved so you should only do that if you feel safe, comfortable, and informed enough about the UK legal system. Another option is to reach out to local LGBT organizations and see if they have any community funds or support networks set up to help the victims that you might be able to contribute to through donating or volunteering your time or skills.

Now, regarding sex and relationships I wanted to answer this because I didn’t have a relationship that was anything more than a date (after which I freaked out and ran away) until I was 27 (I know you might think you’re older than that but the thing is I didn’t actually plan to start this relationship and I was still terrified. I figured I would just be single forever). I am also plus sized (I know you said obese and you’re a doctor but I don’t personally like that word because of the stigma attached) and I have eczema and I relate to feeling self conscious about your body. You are not a freak. What I do recommend though is talking to a therapist about your fears – I know you said yours is in Maritius but there are therapy apps you could look into. It may be solely about your body and that’s worth unpacking already with a therapist who is body positive, but there may be other fears you haven’t explored. For me, I had always had these reasons I was single from being self conscious to choosing to be single to valuing independence etc… but when I actually started a relationship a lot of trauma came up and I realized I had a lot of fear connected to that trauma. I did a lot to work through that and it wasn’t easy but it was worth it. Since it sounds like you are currently in London for a limited period of time now might be a good opportunity to try out some dating apps and challenge yourself to go on at least one date even if it’s just to see how it goes, gain experience, and see what feelings come up for you that you might want to explore with a therapist.

I do believe that you can find a kind, empathetic person who will not judge your body but will make you feel seen, loved, and appreciated if and when you are ready. But it’s also okay if it turns out that you want to stay single and / or you don’t want to have sex – maybe they’re not for you and that is totally okay. If that’s something that resonates with you then you might consider learning more about the experiences of aromantic and asexual people. I am not trying to suggest that these are the reasons you are single but I do want to name that these are fully options for you and that they are completely normal.

As for passing the exam, that is a valid fear that everyone experiences when facing a big test and even more so if you struggle with anxiety but you are already a doctor and that sounds to me like a really difficult and badass thing to be. I have chronic illnesses and see a lot of doctors and I would to have more doctors that are queer, plus size, and / or struggle with anxiety and mental health. You became a doctor even though the medical system seems to be set up to keep out anyone who isn’t thin, straight , and “healthy” and that is even more badass. I think you’ve got this.

Q2:

I’m in a healthy, long-term relationship with a partner I absolutely adore. He gets along with all of my friends, except for one. I got to know my friend immediately after they were recovering from a traumatic breakup, when they were regularly drinking to excess and just plain not coping well. During that time, I often felt manipulated into spending all my time with them. We started a friends-with-benefits relationship and all of the above, plus a seven-year age difference (with them as the older party), made things… weird (I was not dating my partner at the time). I eventually stepped back from this friendship, and we have both gotten a lot healthier for it. They travel with their girlfriend frequently for her job, so they aren’t often in the city, but when they are, they invite me to hang out with them. My partner knows about all of my history with this person, and they are uncomfortable and upset at the idea of my hanging out with them– we even got into a fight partially motivated by my spending time with this friend the last time they were here. They don’t like how I previously had been manipulated by this person in the past, but they have also never met this friend and have no idea what they are like in better life circumstances. Meanwhile, I am one of that person’s only friends in this city, so I feel pressure to hang out with them. I have trouble even sorting out how I feel. I am going to talk about this with my therapist in the next couple of days (this person is back in the city and wants to hang out again), but I wanted to see what your perspective might be.

A:

Casey: I’m of two minds when it comes to this conundrum: on the one hand, I think it’s unreasonable for your current partner to not even be willing to give hanging out with this friend of yours a shot. How can it be that they “don’t get along” if they haven’t ever met? Does he not trust you to assess your own healthy friendships? It also sounds a little dicey given that you also had a friends-with-benefits arrangement with this person; could this be playing a role in your partner’s dislike of someone they haven’t met? In other words, is there some jealousy happening, maybe even that he isn’t consciously aware of?

On the other hand, the idea that you “feel pressure” to hang out with this friend when they’re in town is a red flag to me. I truly don’t think that is a good reason to be spending time with a friend! Is this a friendship that you really value and that is a presence for the good in your life? Do you feel comfortable saying no to hanging out with this friend if you don’t want to / can’t / etc.? Is your partner onto something about this friendship that he’s picked up from the way you talk about this person of your friendship with them? These are questions worth asking, I think!

Valerie Anne: I think it comes from such a good place that you’re worried about both you friend and your partner in this situation, wanting to be there for your friend as their only friend in the city, wanting your partner to see the improvements this friend has made since you first knew them. But you said, “I have trouble even sorting out how I feel,” and the one thing you should think about before you worry about how your partner feels about your friend, or even before seeing your friend, IS how you feel. If you take some time to examine your feelings — would you still want to hang out with this person if you WEREN’T their only friend in the city? Or if your partner didn’t have any opinions about them? Are you trying to prove something, to your partner or to yourself? Are you holding onto this relationship purely out of guilt and obligation and because it’s hard to let go of people who were once important to you, even if it’s the right thing to do? I think you need to sort out your own feelings before you can worry about how this friend and your partner could potentially fit into each others’ lives, or at least live peacefully and separately in yours. Sorry to add more questions to ask yourself to Casey’s list but sometimes self-interrogation is the best way to get to the real truth, and not the truth you’re trying to convince yourself of.

Vanessa: I agree wholeheartedly with Casey and Valerie Anne’s advice here! I also just wanted to add my personal favorite tool to use when I’m trying to figure out how I feel about something: The Dime Game. If you’re a DBT person you’ve likely heard of this before, but if you’ve never practiced DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) you might be like “what are you talking about?” So! It’s literally just 10 yes or no questions you can ask yourself when you’re trying to figure out if it’s reasonable to A. Ask for something or B. Say no to something, and at the end of the questions you tally up your yes/no answers and it clearly lets you know how strongly you should say no to the request or how strongly to ask for what you want. In this case, I think it would be useful to think of your questions as “Do I want to say no to hanging out with this person?” and “Do I want to ask my partner to be more respectful of me hanging out with this person?” You can think of other ways to frame it if they’re more useful, but keep it simple. If you Google The Dime Game the questions will come up (and a more succinct explanation), and there’s also a helpful (free) app literally just called The Dime Game, and while Googling it myself I just found this website you can use too — it might seem weird that I’m pushing this one specific method so hard but it literally changed my life! I have a VERY HARD TIME saying no and once I started using The Dime Game method to assess if I had the right to say no to something, I realized A. yes, I often do and B. wow I should’ve said no to sooooo many more things in this life! Yikes! So anyway, I like to share this tool because it helped me so much. As well as journaling and being introspective, it might be useful to just ask 10 specific yes/no questions and then let The Dime Game tell you what is reasonable based on those facts.

Q3:

I’m so excited to have finally joined A+. The advice columns are a dream come true. Please shower your wisdom on this minor relationship dispute?

My partner and I are having a consistent communication issue, and I think I’ve gotten so frustrated that I’ve lost all perspective on whether my frustrations are valid. The problem is, my partner FREQUENTLY asks me questions like “Do you want [x]?” when what they really mean is “I want [x], is that okay with you?”

They do it in lots of situations, but for illustration purposes, the classic example is when we’re on long drives (which is a big part of our lifestyle due to visiting family), they keep asking me if I want to stop at places they see along the way. We’ve already established that I’m not naturally a fan of going on little detour adventures on these drives, but I know they like it so I’m willing to stop if they want to. But I want them to SAY they want to stop, not ask me if I want to stop. I do not want to stop! Whether I want to or not is irrelevant??? They’re the one who wants the thing! Which is fine! Wants and needs are allowed and encouraged! And they don’t have to match up with my wants all the time.

For some reason this tiny thing really irritates me and makes my insides feel all scribbly. How can I gently broach this with them? Should I even? Is it my job to just respond to each “Do you want?” with some gentle version of “No, but it’s ok if you want…”? Please help!

A:

Ro: Yes, you should share this with your partner, and no, it is not your job to respond to each “Do you want?” with some gentle version of “No, but it’s ok if you want…” You can tell your partner exactly what you told us: “Wants and needs are allowed and encouraged! And they don’t have to match up with my wants all the time.” Your partner might be defensive at first, but also they might be really grateful you pointed this out and shared how you feel about it. Once you’ve established that you want your partner to explicitly state their needs (which is necessary for clear communication in any relationship), make sure you’re doing the same. It can also be helpful to agree on a word or phrase you can use if either of you catch yourselves or each other engaging in this behavior in the future (something like, “state your needs” or “is that a question or a statement?”).

Darcy: Ok, this sounds like a pattern that you both need to buy into breaking! Ro has great advice.

Here’s something not ideal about me, but was baked into me during my childhood and isn’t going to change: I’m a person who has trouble enjoying something if my partner (or even a friend) is actively not enjoying it. I don’t know if your partner is like this too, but if I was driving with my partner and saw a roadside attraction where you could climb into the world’s largest plaster elephant, when I asked “do you want to do this?” I would mean it sincerely, because, although my wants and needs are valid, I probably wouldn’t enjoy the world’s largest elephant unless my partner was into it too! As such, at risk of sounding like a robot, I’m curious what data your partner is trying to get to when they ask you if you want to do something. “Sure, I’ll enjoy this because you’ll enjoy it, and it’s fun to see you happy” is a very different experience than “wow, my partner is dragging me into an actual elephant, when we could be at our DESTINATION already!”

I think that while you’re communicating like Ro suggested, you may want to ask your partner what exactly they want to know when they ask if you want to do something. Perhaps if they can communicate clearly what they’re asking (in my case, the real question would be “will you be annoyed if we stop at this fruit stand?”), you can communicate your response clearly as well (nope! That’s fine), and you can both move forward feeling less scribbly inside all around!

Vanessa: Co-signing what Darcy and Ro have said, and also just want to affirm that if something feels frustrating to you, it’s okay to just accept that you’re frustrated by it. I think often we spend a lot of energy wondering if it’s “okay” to feel “X” when the reality is, that’s what you’re feeling. When I was in a relationship where we had a lot of conflicts like this, I found it very useful to think of us as a team that was trying to break the bad cycle. Neither of us was the problem – the bad cycle was the problem. I think it might be a useful framework for you and your partner to have an honest convo about the ways you communicate and say (sincerely!) that you want to break the negative cycle. Then figure out what you need to do together to break it. I think you can do it! I’m rooting for you both.

Q4:

Should I delete my period tracker app? I’m seeing a lot of advice to delete them following the Dobbs decision, because the info could be used to prosecute women who miscarry or have abortions. But most of that advice seems aimed at women who are having sex that could result in pregnancy, and I’m in a monogamous lesbian relationship (we’re both cis), so my risk of pregnancy is basically zero? Anyway, if anyone has insight on how dangerous it is for queer women in red states who aren’t likely to become pregnant to keep using these apps, that would be really helpful?

A:

Katie: This is a very good question and of course queer people keep getting erased from the discussions in more ways than I can count. First let me say that my day job involved tech accountability and repro rights and I am currently pretty steeped in activism around abortion and data privacy so I’m answering this based on some level of expertise but I’m not a lawyer. The answer isn’t quite yes or not it’s more of an it depends. It sounds unlikely that you would need an abortion or things that these laws might consider an abortion (some of them are pretty all encompassing and could cover things like surgery after a miscarriage). The concern with the apps is essentially that your data could be bought, sold, or acquired with a warrant and used against you to prove you were pregnant. So in that case this is unlikely to affect you. However, the fact that apps collect, track and potentially sell your data is true whether or not abortions are involved. So you still might want to look into the data privacy practices of your particular app and make a decision for yourself about whether you want to switch to a different app or delete them entirely. I am also in a relationship where pregnancy is not a possibility and I did not delete my period tracker for what it’s worth.

The bigger concern that applies to anyone who might seek or help someone else seek an abortion in a state where it is criminalized is not actually pregnancy or period apps.It’s more likely that a text message, social media DM, post etc is more likely to be used against someone in a legal case. In fact that happened in Nebraska when Facebook messages were used to charge a teenager and her mom. So the most important thing is that if you are having these sorts of conversations with anyone – whether you are pregnant or a friend or family member comes to you for support– stick to apps that use end to end encryption. Encryption essentially means that the content of the message is hidden from anyone but the people in the message so it couldn’t be accessed even if it’s sold or if a company is served a warrant. You can find a lot of info about these apps online but a good place to start is WhatsApp (ironically owned by Facebook, who encrypts WhatsApp but not Facebook messenger) and Signal.

Ro: It’s true that lots of period tracking apps sell your data, which felt creepy to me long before Roe v. Wade was overturned. Even apps like Flo, which doesn’t sell user data to third parties, have to comply with law enforcement requests for personal data. This sucks, because period tracking apps are incredibly useful if you’re trying to get pregnant, prevent a pregnancy, plan around your period, or know when your wicked PMS might be affecting your body, your mood, or your decision making. Like you, I’m not having the kind of sex that can result in pregnancy these days, but still, the idea of someone selling my health data just doesn’t sit right with me. I track my period because I deal with pretty severe PMS, which may or may not be PMDD, and I like to know when I should expect my physical and mental symptoms. Instead of using an app, I track my period and some of my symptoms in my google calendar using a code I came up with (mostly because I don’t want to show someone my calendar when we’re scheduling a meeting have them see an all-day event called “EPIC BLOATING” or “thick white cervical mucus” or whatever). If you ultimately decide that tracking apps give you the creeps, consider giving my method a whirl or track your period on paper in a calendar or planner if that’s more your style.

Casey: I am also a regular user of a period tracker app and have found it immensely helpful even before I was trying to get pregnant last year. So I get why you want to keep using one! I’ve been using Clue for years now and I highly recommend it! Not only is it gender neutral, pro reproductive justice, and scientific minded, it’s a German company, so they are bound by European privacy laws, which are much more strict than American ones. Their location also means that they are NOT required to release user data to US authorities. They also don’t sell your data to third parties. They’ve written a few articles on the Roe Vs Wade decision, which you can read here and here. I am not affiliated with Clue or anything, I just genuinely really like their app and their vibe!

Vanessa: Just wanna chime in that my close friend who is a gynecologist essentially said “tbh, there are so many ways the government can track you, the period app is the least of our worries” and shared with me that she is keeping hers because it’s really useful for keeping track of her endo symptoms. I think everyone has already said this, but I really try to remember that we are being compromised in so many ways (Google Home, Alexa, Amazon purchases, Instagram browsing, credit cards, etc) that while I do think taking precautions and making informed choices is the right move, sometimes the advice I see on Twitter (for example) is not necessarily applicable to me. I think you have to choose what feels good to you, and I think the fact that you’re asking these questions is really excellent.

Nico: In general, I don’t think it’s a bad idea for anyone to do regular re-evaluations of their personal security and privacy setup, of what apps you allow to access your info, what apps you’re using to communicate (use Signal or Whatsapp for conversations you want encrypted, as Katie said), how you’re encrypting and protecting your info and whether and how you’re sharing any sensitive info that you might not want out there! Obviously, this goes way beyond the scope of the period tracker app, but companies Facebook/Instagram/Meta giving your data, chat records and more away to authorities is a very real possibility that I think we all need to keep in mind.

Q5:

Will be moving overseas to the UK in the fall and will be flying with my belongings maxing carryon and two checked bags capacity. Wondering some sex toy questions. – Is it easier to suffer the embarrassment of sex toys (ex. dildos, vibrators, harness) in a carry-on, or is it better to check and hope the TSA folks aren’t all gross handling or pulling your stuff out? -If I have excess sex toys, and are medical grade safe, any advice on selling second hand toys (likely to friends)? Or is this an absolute no – no? Thanks!

A:

Ro: When I travel with toys, I bring them in a carry-on to ensure that they won’t get damaged. In my experience, TSA agents are usually way too embarrassed to say anything shitty or weird if they do end up going through my bag and finding my toys. One TSA agent had to ask me, “What is this??” As soon as I said, “That’s a sex toy,” they had no further questions. Another time, a TSA agent who was most likely queer found my strap on and gave me a high five.

When it comes to selling or sharing your non-porous sex toys (medical grade silicone, glass, stainless steel), that’s definitely something you can safely do, as long as you’ve properly sterilized your toys ahead of time and the person buying them is aware that they’ve been used. If your friends don’t want your used sex toys, there’s a website called Squeaky Clean Toys where you can sell used, sterilized, body safe toys.

Q6:

How to best keep warm when you can’t turn the heating on/it’s a rental and you can’t make big physical changes? Any tips from anyone else’s past?(UK/cost-of-living crisis)

A:

Ro: Hello! I’ve lived in Chicago for the past 14 years, and it gets VERY cold in the winter! I’ve lived in places where radiator heat was included in rent, but there have been times when those radiators barely did a thing. I’ve also lived in places where I’ve had to pay for heat, and sometimes I haven’t been able to afford to keep my place at a comfortable temperature. So you’re not alone! And I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Here are some ways you can keep your place warm(ish) at a low(ish) cost:

I like using plastic window insulation film to prevent the wind and cold from coming in — you can get it online or at a hardware store, and it’s pretty inexpensive. There are also thermal curtains that have a similar effect (these range widely in price — look for ones you can afford, but make sure you read online reviews before you buy them to make sure they actually work!). A space heater can bring a lot of warmth to a room or a small apartment if you can afford one, and sleeping with a hot water bottle in your bed can help you keep your hands and feet warm. If your front door opens directly to the outside and you’re getting cold air underneath, you can buy or make a door draft stopper. I hope some of these ideas help you stay cozy!

Meg: Ro has already given so many great suggestions that I’ve also utilized, so I’ll just add that when I’ve lived in drafty apartments, I’ve found that having a weighted blanket can really help with warmth. Some of them are designed to be really breathable and keep you cool, but mine is just a standard cotton one, and it’s really effective at trapping heat near your body. You can sleep with them too!

Vanessa: Co-signing everything Ro and Meg said, and also wanting to plug the small heating pad as a lifesaver during very cold times! I lived with housemates who refused to turn on the heat even when it got very cold, and my solution during that time was carrying my heating pad around with me and keeping it close to my core — it was easy in bed, where lying on it made me very warm, but I also used it while watching TV (sat on it) and working at my desk (sat on it or put my feet on it).

Nico: I’m so sorry to hear about what you all are going through!! I am here to second Ro’s suggestion to get the plastic window film. It makes a serious difference! I looked up temperatures for the UK and it doesn’t look like you all get many deep freezes, so I don’t *think* you’ll have to worry about pipes freezing if the heat is off, but I do want to note that if you start to experience temps getting temps below 0 degrees Celsius, that it becomes a good idea to run a drip, depending on your housing situation. I don’t know if you have an apartment in a larger building or if you’re in a sub-divided house or what have you, so this is definitely more of a thing you would do yourself for a smaller structure or house, but I wanted to mention it because I remember what happened in Texas when they got a big freeze and there were pipes bursting everywhere! Also, it’s not pretty, but you can hang extra sheets or towels over drafty doors and windows to keep the heat in, too. I also recommend making sure that you’re bundling up and wearing a warm enough coat (or layers) if you go out because if the heat is off or low, you can’t rely on getting warm once you’re indoors! You gotta already be warm! As someone who grew up in Buffalo NY winters, also, there’s no shame in wearing two pairs of socks, mittens and a hat to bed. Finally, it’s important to make sure you’re eating enough. You burn more calories when you’re cold. Plus, hot foods and teas are warming and feel good on cold hands. I also like to time any use of the oven in the winter that I have to when I’m going to be home (after I bake something, like, not baking, finishing and leaving) because it warms the kitchen. Often, after I bake or cook something and the oven is off, I’ll open the door to release the heat into the kitchen, for whatever warmth that can offer. I hope these tips are helpful!

Q7:

My girlfriend is a verbal processor and I am…. not and we are getting ready to move in together. She’s really intent on processing the whole thing with me even though she has other, extremely good outlets for the excitement she wants. I should add that we are also moving away from where she’s been for most of her life, so all of it feels extra scary for her. I keep reminding her that she can reach out to the people who love her for these things instead of putting all that on me. What are some other things I can do to keep myself sane in this situation?

A:

Vanessa: I know you asked about what you can do to keep yourself sane in this situation, but I am going to suggest starting from a slightly different place: What would it look like for you and your girlfriend to be on the same team about this? If you’ve been reading this whole advice box you’re probably noticing a theme from me, and that’s the idea of a couple being a team, but it’s because I really believe in it! A lot of conflict comes from misunderstanding, different communication styles, different families of origin, etc, but it can REALLY help when facing conflict to remember that you and your partner are a TEAM and that you (ideally) want the TEAM to be thriving, not just one member of the team. It also helps to remember that when there IS conflict you two are in it together, not at odds with each other. So, okay, with that in mind — what are some things you can do to make this move and your girlfriend’s reaction to it manageable for both of you?

I have to assume that you are moving in together, and to a new location for your girlfriend, because of a choice you both made. So hopefully this is a happy move. You say that it’s extra scary for your girlfriend, and also that you’ve told her she can reach out to the people who love her for support… but can we consider that perhaps what your girlfriend wants is support from you, specifically? Again, if you think of yourselves as a team, it’s reasonable to think that she wants support from her direct teammate as much as from other people who love her, right? She probably thinks of you as a person who loves her too (and you probably think of yourself that way as well!) so I don’t think it’s so farfetched that she might want your support as well as support from others in her life. Now, it seems clear that excessive verbal processing doesn’t feel good to you, so I think the challenge here is to find ways you can both feel held, supported, valued, and safe, without sacrificing your desire for less verbal processing and without making her feel like an emotional burden to you and/or not heard. What are some ways the two of you connect that don’t include verbal processing? How do you usually show your love? Can you express to her that you love and care about her but aren’t available for endless verbal processing by offering up some form of connection that you ARE available for? Full disclosure, I am a verbal processor, but when I have had partners who aren’t the main thing that has made me feel safe and cared for is when they have gone out of their way to connect with me in other ways — I could accept that verbal processing wasn’t comfortable for them when they showed their care for me in other ways. If a partner told me to process with other people who loved me and didn’t connect in any other way, I have to say I’d feel pretty rejected and would probably become even more anxious and clingy, especially if I was scared (I don’t want to make assumptions about your attachment styles, but in the past when I’ve been in anxious/avoidant dynamics it’s been especially important to think of ourselves as a team trying to break a negative pattern, not as combatants at odds with each other).

So — how to “keep yourself sane” in this situation? I guess my honest perspective is that first of all, it’s not super kind to think about responding to your partner’s needs as “keeping yourself sane” and maybe it’s possible to reevaluate how the two of you communicate. I also genuinely think that if you can find ways to show your partner you still care about her and her needs, she will be able to respect your desire to do less verbal processing. It’s fair to draw a boundary — “I can’t talk in circles after 9pm about your anxiety about the move, I feel really tired and shut down at night and it makes me feel far away from you, I’d prefer you to call your friend if you need to verbally process in the evening” — which I think could be a good coping skill for you in managing your different communication styles. But to be frank, it’s not fair to say to a partner, “I am never available to process your feelings about big life decisions,” and I think if you and your girlfriend are moving in together, you’ll be doing both of you a favor to work out a way to coexist with different communication styles in a way that makes you both feel good as a team sooner than later.

Darcy: I love Vanessa’s advice, and I think that she’s completely right when she says it’s time to evaluate the communication in your relationship more broadly. What’s working? What’s not? Do you feel like your needs are being met? Does your partner? You and your partner can definitely each have some of your needs met by other people who love you – it takes a village – but some needs really do have to be met in-house, and processing your own relationship together is usually one of those. The only way to figure that out is to…have a conversation about it, which I realize is more verbal processing, but like, we can only avoid so much of that in our lives, I think.

I’ve absolutely experienced relationships and friendships where our communication styles were mismatched, and I think that can be a really formidable obstacle! That’s why I think it’s going to require some work looking at the bigger picture, as you decide together whether this next step is going to be sustainable for you both. Best of luck! 💙

Q8:

I think I’m maybe too obsessed with my partner? When I fall for someone, I fall hard (apparently, this is the first time I’ve felt this way in my life), and I think about them constantly. I just want to always be around them and talking to them and knowing what they’re doing, not in a controlling way but in a curious way. And I crave their attention constantly. They insist I don’t annoy them and that I’m not too clingy, but I’m still worried I do/I am. It’s a little bit of an uncomfortable feeling for me. Am I just bored? Is this normal? Does it go away? Is this a bad sign? Is it a good one?? Thanks.

A:

Ro: It sounds like this relationship might still be in its early stages, and if that’s the case, then fear not — your body is going through the biological process of falling in love, which is truly wild! I wrote an article about the science of love back in February 2021. Check it out if you want to learn more. To answer your questions: yes, this is normal, and yes, the intense “I MUST BE NEAR YOU AT ALL TIMES” feeling chills out after a while. That said, it’s important to maintain your friendships, your alone time, and your hobbies, even when your body is screaming at you to stroke your partner’s hair 24/7. Your relationship will be stronger, happier, and more sustainable if you and your partner put effort into both your individual lives AND your life together.

Valerie Anne: 100% agree with Ro’s advice about keeping your own hobbies and alone time and friends and life! But also just as a warning, one of the most annoying things to me is when someone who wasn’t previously being annoying asks over and over again if they’re being annoying. I think the best approach to this would be to make sure they know it’s a safe space to tell you to pump the brakes if things get to be too much, and then you just have to trust that they’ll do just that; I know that’s hard (I say as someone who is constantly worried I’m annoying people) and it’s good to have check-ins and conversations about boundaries and whatnot, but in general you have to trust that they’ll tell you if something you’re doing is bothering them. Obviously you should also always be checking in with yourself and be accountable for your actions, but opening that communication door will also, in my experience, help quiet that whirring gnat of worry a bit since the pressure isn’t all on you to know if you’re crossing an invisible line, since you have created a space where clear lines can be drawn at at any time.

Q9:

Hello, I would like to ask if you have any suggestions for a place (and/or activity) for a casual date (that may or may not end up in sexy times) other than going out for drinks which seems to be the default? I don’t want to just straight up going to someone’s place before I even get to know them a bit and I’m also a homebody introvert who gets easily overwhelmed by noisy places. I feel like the ideas I have are way too romantic when I’m just trying to find a fwb situation, not a future wife? (I’m sorry if this is a stupid question, I’ve never actually casually dated and I need all the help I can get, thank you!)

A:

Ro: We might have different thoughts about what’s “too romantic” for a casual date, but hopefully, some of these ideas fit the vibe you’re going for:

If you want to do something out in the world:
-Hang out in a park. Bring snacks. Make out on a blanket.
-If you and your date like to get physical, go for a hike. Admire each other’s asses in leggings.
-Go to an art museum (bonus points if the art is sexy). Talk about some sculptures. Touch each other’s forearms.

If you’re comfortable having the person over:
-Invite your date over to watch a movie. Actually watch the movie. Then make out on the couch.
-Invite your date over to bake cookies. Eat. Feed each other frosting.

And don’t forget to inform your date that you’re only looking for a casual situation before the date actually happens so you can make sure you’re both on the same page!

Ashni: Drinks on the first date are definitely common, but they don’t need to be your only option! Totally get that some things might be too romantic – a serenade or a dramatic reading of a love poem starring your date might not be the best idea for someone with whom you want to explore a casual relationship. I do love Ro’s idea of the park date above!

I’m assuming that by drinks you meant alcohol-based drinks – I wonder if there are coffee shops or tea shops in your area that you could pop into for a daytime date. You could also go to a bookstore and pick out a book for one another. You could go to a farmer’s market and select a few things to snack on together. You could go bird-watching, or even bowling if your date is at night. Star-gazing could be fun, especially if you download one of those apps that tells you what you’re looking at when you point your phone at the sky. If you and your date are into flexing your creative muscles, you could paint or draw one another!

In general, my recommendation is that you pick something you already enjoy. If the date goes well, you get to do something super fun with a future FWB. If it doesn’t, at least you get to do something fun!

Sa’iyda
My friends above have made great suggestions! May I suggest a dessert date? Dessert can be low-key sexy, which is perfect if you want the date to go in that direction. One time I went on a dessert date to have pie and it was a very fun way to get to know each other. You can learn a lot about a person based on what kind of pie they order. Ice cream would also be a great option, especially if you go to an old school ice cream parlor or a place that has inventive flavors. Plus dessert can lend well to sharing, which means you can get closer a little faster.

Vanessa: Love everyone’s suggestions above! Also just want to make the pitch that ANYTHING can be a casual date if you state your feelings explicitly! As Ro mentioned above, being on the same page rules, but just because you’re dating casually (vs looking for a wife) doesn’t mean you can’t do romantic shit. As long as everyone is into Casual being the name of the game, do whatever you want! And enjoy.

Q10:

Hi! I’m in my late 20s and for various reasons am just beginning to explore intimacy with anyone. From relationship stories and romantic film/book scenes, kissing seems to be where everything begins. I’m worried because I don’t think kissing (at least on the mouth) is my thing – I’ve always been grossed out by the idea of someone else’s spit, and it’s not something I’ve ever fantasized about or looked at someone and wanted to do. Also just recently had my first in-person date (which was fun) and first kiss (which was underwhelming, but kinda my fault because I drew back after one second.) I don’t think I’m asexual, since a lot of other things sound very hot! Can you be intimate without kissing on the mouth? Or is it something to ideally get better at and start to enjoy?

A:

Ro: Since you’ve only had one brief kissing experience, I think it makes sense to give kissing another chance. Different people have different kissing styles (and some are wetter than others), so if you’re comfortable trying it again — or maybe a few times with a few different people — you might find that you’re actually into kissing, or at least certain kinds of kissing or certain kinds of people. In my early kissing years, I was grossed out by super wet kissing, but once I met someone I was really, really attracted to, I wanted to swap ALL OF THE SPIT. So give yourself some time!

If you give kissing a few more chances and it’s just not your thing or if you absolutely cannot stomach trying it again, that’s totally ok. There are absolutely other people out there who aren’t super into kissing or who have sensory issues that prevent them from enjoying kissing. Fortunately, you can engage in intimacy without suctioning your mouth to another mouth. You might experience physical intimacy through sex, holding hands, stroking a partner’s hair, sitting in a partner’s lap, cuddling, or kissing something other than a partner’s mouth (like their cheek, forehead, or shoulder). That said, a lot of people expect kissing to be part of the sex/ dating experience, so it’s important to be up front about your needs with the people you date and present alternatives (“Heads up: I’m not into kissing, but I’m really into other forms of physical intimacy. I think you’re super hot and would really like to play with your hair”). That way, you don’t have to dodge someone’s mouth and the person you’re flirting with knows that you’re into them. Not being into kissing might be a dealbreaker for some folks, but others will be very willing to get creative (and maybe you’ll meet someone else who doesn’t like kissing either!).

Vanessa: Co-signing Ro, per always, and also just want to make a strong case for kink here! Since you’re just getting started figuring out what kind of intimacy works for you, you may not know if you’re into kink just yet (there are lotssssss of kinks out there, so it’s very possible you’re into some and not others!) but the kink scene in general is a place where it’s very normalized to create boundaries in a scene/intimate setting and kissing is very often not on the table at all. You could orchestrate a scene that’s just about rope play, just about spanking, just about tit stimulation… the sky is the limit! You can definitely do this in not-kinky scenarios too (like Ro mentioned above) I just feel like it is explicitly baked into the world of kink to negotiate exactly which acts you will and won’t be doing, so that is something to consider.

Q11:

I just realized that when I have a annoying or pushy man from tinder asking me for things I don’t really want to give (usually nudes or other pictures), a great strategy would be to tell him I’m a sex worker on the side, so I’d be happy to do it for pay. I tried this today and it had the desired effect of him not replying, and in the past when I’ve told similar men “no” or “that was a rude way to ask” etc, they usually message me at least one more time about it, which I don’t want. I am not a sex worker, though if it didn’t involve also being a business manager I’d be interested, and if one of these men did in fact pay me for my nudes I would do it. But the main intent in this strategy is to get them to stop texting me/ asking me for things I don’t want to give. How can I implement this strategy in a way that won’t harm real sex workers? / Are there things I should be aware of in implementing this, so that I don’t harm real sex workers?

A:

Himani: Admittedly, I have never used Tinder, but I would be hard-pressed to believe that they do not have some feature to block people you don’t want to talk to. When someone is being annoying or pushy or asking for things you don’t want, just block them. Yes, it’s shitty to ghost people, but if a stranger isn’t respecting your boundaries then I think it’s completely legit to just prevent them from being able to have any further interaction with you, without any explanation. Personally, I think taking on or claiming an identity that isn’t yours is never really a good approach. In a way, you are just reinforcing these men’s stigmas about sex workers by doing it. Because it’s not like you’re stopping to challenge them on why they suddenly lose interest if you (again, falsely) claim to be a sex worker, even though it seems you have clearly tried to push back when they have been disrespectful or rude. Don’t throw other people with marginalized identities under the bus for your own convenience. Just block the annoying/pushy people and move on.

Q12:

How do I survive the end of this 9-year LTR? I think I finally understand why people stay in dysfunctional relationships. Ever since my partner and I split 5 months ago, some nights the physical/mental pain of loneliness hurts so much I’d rather be dysfunctional-unhappy than lonely-unhappy. My support network is scattered across time zones and this feeling mostly strikes when they’re all unavailable. I bet my primal attachment-focused brain is simply trying to save me from dying alone, and I know healing isn’t linear, but what if my ex is the only one who will tolerant me and my MDD? What if my friends are wrong that I’m awesome and I need to go back to the devil I know?

A:

Ro: Friend, you deserve to be happy and loved — not just tolerated. You’re referring to your ex as “the devil I know” — to me, that suggests that this relationship ended for a reason and that you deserve so much more than what you got out of that relationship. I’m so sorry you’re feeling lonely. Healing after a breakup can take a long time, especially when you’ve ended a nine year relationship.

It sounds like you need some additional support in your life right now. I’m glad you have friends to lean on when they’re available. I highly recommend getting a therapist if you don’t have one already (I know therapy is really expensive – if you’re uninsured, you might have sliding scale options in your area) and journaling (I know, I know — it sounds like cheap advice, but it’s really, genuinely helpful. If you hate writing, record video diaries instead).

One important part of getting through a breakup is finding your identity outside of your past relationship. Try new things. Take a class. Learn a new skill. Get a drastic haircut. Every little thing you do to prioritize yourself contributes to your healing. When you’re ready to date again, you will absolutely find people who love you for exactly who you are, and if you commit to healing, you’ll love yourself for exactly who you are, too.

Himani: So I struggle with loneliness and wanting to be in a relationship a lot under the misguided belief that it will be some kind of “cure” for my loneliness, even though I have rich friendships and strong bonds with my sisters. Many of the people I’m close to are also pretty scattered and/or we are all just super busy in our own lives so I feel like I never see my friends as often as I’d like to. What I really crave is the day-to-day intimacy of having someone to chat with casually, like I had with my ex and, even before that, with close friends when we were all younger, less busy, and used to live near each other. All this to say, even though I’m coming from a different set of circumstances, there are a lot of ways in which some of your pain feels relatable to me.

I don’t have a great answer for you or for myself. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you’re not alone in feeling like, “Maybe no one else will ever want to deal with me and my [baggage].” As much as I know that one can’t rely on a relationship (any relationship, really) to fill that endless hole inside that only we can fill for ourselves, it’s hard not to remember the comfort and warmth of being held and loved by another person, a salve for that emptiness like no other, even when you know that the warmth comes from a blaze that will just burn you.

There are a few things, I’ve found with time, that have helped. My break up happened around a time when my mother was having some serious health issues — basically I was in a lot of crisis, and my friends (who again, are also generally long distance) were really great about being as available for me as they could. In the times when I couldn’t get a hold of them or I knew I shouldn’t reach out (like literally in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep) I used to visualize all of them in a big group hug with me at the center, because I knew that was true, even if in that particular moment I was, actually physically alone. That visualization got me through a lot, to be honest. It might seem hokey, but it was just a powerful way to remind myself that as lonely as I might feel, I had all of these people who loved me and wanted me in their life, even if it wasn’t as their “partner.”

The other thing I’ve found helpful, is to just actively reach out to my friends in (essentially) a regular rotation so that we keep in touch. Sometimes months can go by before we reconnect because we’re all so busy and have so much going on, but it can be helpful to just reach out even with a, “Hey, I miss you. I hope you’re doing well. Let’s catch up soon?” It’s also been really nice to have friends over, stay over their places, or go on a multi-day vacation with my friends to help fill in some of that feeling of wanting the casual day-to-day interactions that, I’ve realized for myself at least, are really the kind of “love” I crave in partnership. And then the other thing is just going out and doing things and meeting more people, not necessarily from the angle of looking to date, but just to continue to build my network of friends so that I’m not always relying on the same few people and feeling at the mercy of their availability and schedules.

Underlying all of this, though, I think we both know that we both have some serious work to do in ourselves to understand why we feel so unloveable and, more importantly, to find ways to address that deeper issue. I know for me, this will probably be the journey of my life. I have been single for so long, it is hard for me to believe, sometimes, that people who are in relationships really deal with this as well because it feels (from my angle) like, “Well, but you have someone who tells you and shows you that they love you regularly.” But the truth is, and I think in your experience you know this as well, that being in a relationship, whether it’s functional or not, will not actually address that.

Finally, more than anything, what I try to make my peace with is that sometimes we want a thing that we just can’t or won’t have or have very little control over whether we’ll have it or not. That’s a hard thing, to be filled with that longing, that desire, which left unchecked can grow into desperation, and it sounds like you are somewhere in that place if you feel that going back into a dysfunctional relationship is better than being alone because at least you are in a relationship. A mantra I used to tell myself a lot several years ago is that being single is not the same thing as being alone. It might not always feel that way, but it’s true.

Darcy: Your friends are right. You ARE awesome. Just like Ro says, you deserve a full relationship, not the pieces that you might be able to clutch as this current relationship grinds to a halt. Like Himani says, being single can be a mindfuck! Also, though, it can be kind of rad. (Bear with me here).

I know it’s not going to feel like this now, because you’re experiencing the end of something, and that is just always so, so hard. I hate endings. Every end of a relationship feels like the end of the world to me.But I’m also a person who enjoys being single just SO much more than I enjoy being in relationships where I have to make major compromises on my needs and what makes me happy. Since I came out roughly eight years ago, I’ve spent significant time in relationships that weren’t a perfect match, and also significant time single, and like…being single is amazing.

I grew up with a parent with whom I wasn’t able to prioritize my own needs; because of this, in relationships, often I can’t even fully feel or remember what my needs ARE until the relationship is over. I love having the space to be fully myself, to not wonder or worry what my partner is thinking about, to feel and recognize my needs, and to be able to meet those needs myself. There are things I miss when I’m not in relationships, for sure, but no not-quite-right relationship is worth the self-actualization and peace of mind I feel when I am able to clearly identify and meet my own needs.

This may sound a bit intense, or somehow like bragging, but I just want to really clearly say that being happy and single are not mutually exclusive, and that whatever happens in your future, I do think that you have and/or will be able to develop all the tools you need in order to live a fulfilling life, whether you’re in a relationship or not.

Q13:

Hi all. I know this is a therapy question but am curious if any of you have insight/practical tips. Growing up I definitely did not have exposure to emotional regulation, especially for conflict or stress in the moment. I have been working on learning these skills through therapy and am on anti-anxiety medication now, but there’s a part of it all that still seems so abstract and out of reach to me. I struggle with guilt when I let my emotions get the better of me and have shame after I stand up for myself or have any involvement in conflict. It’s like I don’t trust my sense of what is “fair” and what is a result of dysregulation/panic/etc. Anyone relate?? Thank you!

A:

Valerie Anne: Oh, friend! I sure can relate to feeling like I’m not allowed to have my own feelings because I grew up in a space where one person’s feelings were so big (and considered the only valid feelings) that there was no room for mine! I still sometimes struggle with feeling guilty for being frustrated with people, or angry, or sometimes even just for wanting things! Fun! Therapy is absolutely the place you’ll find coping mechanisms for this, but also I’ll walk you through my experience, in case any of it helps. I try to remind myself constantly that I’m in a different place now, and that person’s feelings aren’t governing my life anymore, and I’ve taken great care to surround myself with people who I trust to help me through confusing emotions. I often will run my feelings and plan of action by friends before confronting someone to make sure I’m not blowing things out of proportion (more often than not, when I’m like “Is this too mean?” my friends are like “This is literally just setting the tiniest boundary in the nicest way I’ve ever read?”) and they help me reconfigure the way I see things. Also: all your feelings are “fair.” Even if they’re “out of proportion” at first or illogical to some, your feelings are your feelings and the only unfair thing is that you weren’t raised with exposure to emotional regulation. Your ACTIONS could be unfair, depending, but I bet they often aren’t; our sense of what actions are fair and unfair have also been skewed by not being able to set our own emotional boundaries as kids. In my experience, I try not to act on my first wave of emotions, just in case it’s like how when you speak aloud for the first time after wearing headphones for a while your voice isn’t quite the right volume until your second try. Your reaction is still valid, but maybe doesn’t require an action as a result; but if your reaction settles into a lingering emotion, that’s what you could potentially act on. Sometimes even writing my feelings down ends up de-escalating them by the time I’m done. But also sometimes my feelings don’t de-escalate, and it turns out I just have to stand up for myself; and like you said, it’s so hard, and can sometimes come with discomfort or guilt, but that’s just because we never had space to do it before, not because it’s wrong. If you set a boundary, any decent person will appreciate you making that boundary clear. Anyone who doesn’t isn’t a person you should spend too much energy on anyway. And again, I cannot express how helpful it is to have people you trust to run things by sometimes, just as a general gut-check, or even just to get that external validation and reminder of “okay yes I am allowed to take up this emotional space in this situation” until you’re able to recognize those situations on your own. (Also therapy. Yay, therapy!)

Q14:

What is the best dating/friend app for queer folks in less populous/rural areas? Nothing so sad as hopping on Lex to see 0 posts in a 150 mile radius.

I saw a documentary on metrocentricism that broke down the stereotype that queer communities only thrived in big cities. It included stories of queer women living their best lives in rural areas. I think that’s awesome and would like to do the same. Any tips?

A:

Vanessa: Instagram has been really good to me even when I lived rurally! Also, tbh, there’s really nothing like getting out into the community in person. I found the farmers market, local garden parties, and small public events were a really great place to meet other queer folk, and then they started including me in their networks. The folks I met had a Facebook group that was super active, and even though some of us lived 30+ miles apart it felt like a tight knit community. I am a strong believer that queer communities do NOT need to be situated in big cities to thrive, but I do think starting with in person meeting makes it easier to find other likeminded folks when it comes to the country. Good luck!

Nico: I agree with Vanessa that starting with in-person community is a great way to go. It might require some travel to a bigger town nearby to go to an event, but the more you put yourself out there, the more connections you’ll have. And then when you meet people IRL be sure to connect with them on Instagram so you can stay in touch, follow up, and also connect with people they’re connected with in the great big queer mycelium network.

Q15:

My wife of many years recently came out as genderqueer and has decided that they prefer they/them pronouns. I want to be supportive of them and so am trying my best to remember to use new pronouns and ask questions about other gendered terms (like “wife” — still their preference for now). But I have to admit that I am struggling with this change, both because I have thought of them as a woman for such a long time and because I have trouble understanding gender outside of a binary. It’s not something I’ve been exposed to IRL — no gender studies courses, no other friends/acquaintances who publicly identify as NB, etc. The feelings my wife describes (going through phases of wanting to dress more masculine or feminine, sometimes wanting to wear a strap vs. sometimes wanting me to) are true for me too, but I’ve never stopped feeling like I was a woman just because I dressed or fucked in a particular way in a given time, so I am struggling to understand what necessitated this change for them. I want to learn more and understand them better, and I don’t want to put the burden of that on their shoulders. So I am hoping any of you who have gone on a similar journey of trying to understand the gender spectrum might share whatever books or personal “aha moments” have been the most helpful to you. Or, if you identify as NB and don’t mind sharing, what do you wish a partner (or friend/family) did more (or less) of to help you feel supported when you came out? Thanks for your help and for the great community you’ve created here!

A:

Casey: As usual I am always up for suggesting books, but I want to suggest first that you ask your wife for book (or movie, website, articles, etc) recommendations. I bet there are some books by and about genderqueer people that were important to them in their journey, so I would start there, if you haven’t already. There are so many different ways to be genderqueer and if you get media recommendations from them you’ll be sure to be reading stuff that really speaks to them. Maybe after you’ve read it, you two can even discuss it together!

A few books to get you started:

Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe (graphic memoir)
Me, Myself, They: Life Beyond the Binary by Luna M. Ferguson (memoir)
Beyond Binary: Genderqueer and Sexually Fluid Speculative Fiction edited by Lee Mandelo (fiction anthology)

Darcy: Hi! You mentioned “what necessitated this change for them” and while there’s nothing inherently wrong with that language, I’m wondering if it might help you to see this as more of a joyful thing. Changing the framing from “necessitated” to “facilitated” or “uncovered” sounds like a really small thing, but really, this is so exciting! Your wife is learning more about themselves, and they’re sharing that journey with you. What a gift!

In lieu of books, I’m going to talk just a smidge about my own experience. You mentioned that you “never stopped feeling like a woman,” and to that point, I would just gently say that some of us never *started* feeling like women. I was a little girl who loved pink and frills, Barbies and American Girl dolls. Even today, I’m not particularly androgynous in my gender presentation (somewhat because it’s annoying to find clothes with my large chest, and somewhat because really whatever clothes are fine). I hate wearing a strap-on. And I never felt like a woman. That descriptor always rang alarm bells somewhere inside my head, although I didn’t realize that I had the power to reject it for a long, long time. Maybe your wife is now realizing they, too have the power to reject that label — or maybe their journey is completely different! To that point, while you don’t have to place the burden of learning about nonbinary or genderqueer identities in general from your wife, your wife is the only person you’ll be able to learn about their specific identity from, as we have many different experiences.

I’m glad you’re doing the work, and I’m so excited for your wife! Sending lots of love.

Nico: Congratulations to your wife! I recommend exploring the nonbinary tag and gender category on our site! There are so many essays and articles from a multitude of perspectives in there, and many to most are timeless in my opinion. I also thought that this deep dive into the Public Universal Friend and this exploration of Indigenous queer identities in the Phillipines remind us that genderqueer and nonbinary people have always existed. Finally, if you’re looking for something for your ears, the podcast Gender Reveal is a good one to have a listen to!

Finally, you’re right that you can want to use a strap-on and dress in a masculine way and still be a woman. You can also want to use a strap-on and dress in a masculine way and not be a woman. Being a woman means something different to every woman, I think, and gender is highly personal and understandings of gender vary across cultures and time. One thing, though, about our current point in time, is that white supremacist, heteronormative culture does not, by design, allow for expansive understandings of gender, but rather seeks to restrict it. So, naturally, that means that much like it may take someone a while to realize they’re a lesbian, for example, in a society that pushes heterosexuality, it can be a bit of a winding path toward coming to an understanding that one is not cis, if that makes sense. It takes work and deep self reflection and a willingness to engage and a vulnerability that can be really hard to muster. I’m really excited for your wife, and I encourage you to talk to them more about their journey, to listen, to make space for evolving understandings over time. This is an exciting new chapter, a revelation and deeper understanding that they’re coming to about themselves and I hope that you can approach it with the excitement and joy that this discovery merits! I also think that, as others have pointed out, that, at least in my case, it’s not so much that there is a “change,” it’s more that I see someone coming out as genderqueer or nonbinary as discovering more about their truth and revealing more of that truth to you and the world.

Q16:

I started a relationship at the beginning of covid that got real intense real quick. We resisted the urge to uhaul but eventually moved in together after 6 months together. We genuinely loved each other and they said our relationship was the best one they’ve ever had. They just broke up with me two weeks ago with no warning and they already have a new partner according to social media (and my coworker who introduced us to each other confirmed it.) How could they move on so quickly? How do I get over them? I feel like I’m questioning everything. I’m heartbroken. To make everything worse, the queer scene where we live is tiny and I will probably run into them a lot unless I stop going out.

A:

Himani: I’m really sorry this happened to you. Everything about this sounds so painful and difficult. It seems like you’re aware that the relationship moved quickly with a lot of intensity largely because of COVID, but regardless of whether there was any writing on the wall or not, it’s really awful to have the rug pulled out from under you so quickly. I answered a similar-ish question in the YNH a few months ago and I think you may find that post and some of the discussion in the comments useful.

Don’t stop going out because they don’t deserve that of you — they don’t deserve you sacrificing your ability to move on and your joy and freedom. In terms of potentially running into them, sometimes it helps me to plan (and maybe even practice) for a difficult encounter beforehand. Think about how you want to react when you see them. For me personally, in a situation like that, taking an approach of being distantly familiar is often the easiest for me. (IE, Don’t acknowledge them, if they talk to or approach you then nod, give the briefest reply, and move on.) Most importantly, don’t waste or ruin your time out by focusing on them, if you do run into them, or on the fear that you might run into them, if you don’t. Sometimes, going with a friend is helpful because that way you already have someone in the social encounter to talk to and focus on and who can also help deflect any unpleasantness if necessary.

Q17:

Hi wonderful AS team (and any community members who want to contribute)! I am a non-binary person and at this point, I’m pretty solid about my identity. That is, I feel like I know who I am – but my main issue is that most other people don’t seem to see me that way, and I am almost always perceived as girl. (I realize this kind of passing privilege can be, well, a privilege; but that’s another matter.) I know that HRT is not for me, but I’m not so sure about top surgery.

I have a fairly small chest so it’s not like it would be a huge change. But I’ve never liked having boobs and I wonder if not having them would help me read as not-girl. Or would at least make me feel more comfortable. (I hate binding so I rarely do.) And sure, if I could magically have a flat chest, I’d go for it! But surgery is very expensive and scary, not to mention the healing process can be long and slow. I don’t have a ton of dysmorphia so I’m not sure it’s worth it. It’s probably more a nice-to-have rather than a life-saving measure.

Still, it’s a complicated thing and is one of the main reasons I’m looking into starting therapy – I want to figure out what I really want. Am I interested in top surgery because I feel like I’m “supposed” to get it? Will this change my appearance enough to shift how people see me? Should I even care this much about how I’m seen?

Anyway, I know everyone’s experience and identity is different, but I would really appreciate hearing from folks who have had top surgery or considered it. How did you decide one way or another? What were the factors that affected your choice? (Etc) Thanks so much!

+

Hi again, I submitted a question earlier about how to decide about top surgery. Sorry to write in again separately, but I have some additional context that I forgot/wouldn’t fit before.

I’ve done lots of research on various surgical procedures, pre- and post-op concerns, even potential surgeons. I’ve also looked up photos of surgical results and read personal accounts that people have shared. So I think I have a decent grasp of the practical aspects. But I don’t know anyone directly who has done it.

Also I am in my late 30s so I feel like I can’t spend forever figuring this out. I know it will be harder to heal the older I am, and some things like decreasing skin elasticity can make certain procedures less doable. I don’t want to rush into anything but I don’t want to wait too long either.

I hope this message and my previous one can be connected without too much trouble. Thank you again for any advice yall can provide!

Nico: Okay so I haven’t had top surgery (as covered in this roundtable on our chests), but am here to say that it’s exciting that you’re considering taking a step that may help you feel more confident and more you. Since you’re figuring out what you want, I think that therapy is a great first move! Good on you! I think also, when it comes to gender dysphoria, the feelings don’t have to be, like, BURNING AND INTENSE to be valid. You can be meh about your breasts and decide you would be happier getting top surgery, and that’s valid. I also think that sometimes we are coping with situations that we think we can’t change, but after they change, we realize that we’re much happier and that we were just, um, coping and making the best of a situation. That’s a thing that can happen, too. Also, wanting to be perceived a certain way is not inherently bad! It can be difficult to continuously be perceived in a way that does not align with your identity. It’s okay to acknowledge that and hold space for those feelings. Also, you’re not too old! My 40-year-old girlfriend is in the process of getting everything together for top surgery. If you’re ready, you’re ready and people get top surgery and other gender confirming care at a variety of ages. Wishing you tons of luck on your journey!

Q18:

Hello! I have a question about binding as a cis soft butch woman. I got a binder several years ago and gave up on it after just a few wears because 1) it destroyed my back and 2) I was uncomfortable that friends and family noticed that I went from medium-large boobs to no boobs. I want to try binding again and know that I need a larger sized binder but also don’t want something that will bind all the way. I don’t mind having boobs and would just prefer to have like B cups instead of D cups, especially when I am in more formal attire.

Any recommendations on something like a looser binder or tight/medium compression sports bra? Thanks! (PS in the meantime I am also doing my own work to figure out if people’s perceptions of the drastic change bothered me or if the drastic change itself bothered me but that’s a whole other question I think!)

A:

Nico: My girlfriend recommends the Tomboy X compression tops for this. They provide enough compression to take someone down a couple sizes, but aren’t full compression. She describes them as “taking the edge off.”

Ashni: I like the Girlfriend Collective Dylan Tank Bra! It’s compressive, but not super uncomfortable. I have a large chest and I feel like it takes me down a few cup sizes. For a more comfortable but less compressive alternative, you could try the Outdoor Voices Venus Crop Top.

Q19:

hi AS, love your work! does anyone have advice for coming out to one’s (asian) parents about planning to get top surgery? it’s something i’ve been thinking about for a long time and i can finally see examples among friends and social media of the type/identity configuration that i didn’t know fit me best until i could see it. my parents are generally socially liberal but turned out to have surprisingly heteronormative expectations of my future life when i came out to them the first time.. it took a few years for them to come around but we are generally good on that front now. however, being reasonably close to them, i want them to know if i’m going to have a surgical procedure, but i don’t want to potentially go through a few years of angst again.

pertinent details – finances are not a concern (i will pay for it myself); i’m not intending to change my pronouns or name but feel like gender identity might have to come up in the discussion, which i am meh about.

do i just say: it’s kinda like a reduction, this is how i’d feel most like myself, remember how i used to be as a kid, i’m not asking you i’m telling you, probably it’ll be fantastic for my posture? would welcome both serious and slightly more out-there suggestions.

Cheers!

A:

Nico: I am sorry that I don’t have more helpful advice for you, but this is sticky! You’re asking how to control someone else’s reaction, but ultimately, there isn’t much that you can do to change how someone else will react beyond things that I think are already obvious — asking them to have a conversation with you so that they know they’re about to hear some news and being prepared to be kind but firm. You know the relationship you have with your parents best, and probably have the best sense of how they’re going to take the news and what you can say to put them as at ease as is possible or reasonable. But again, you really can’t control someone else’s reaction, and instead, I would, in this time, suggest focusing on what will be the best situation for you because you also need to take care of yourself as you prepare to undergo surgery. If you’re preparing to let them know about your plans and you think they might have some angst, then I encourage you to make sure that you have some preparations for self-care in place (things that soothe you, friends you can reach out to) before having that conversation. I think, also, I know that you want to tell them before, but if it’s easier and you have a good support network…you can also tell them afterwards, and that’s your right. Then, at least, it’s not a conversation about trying to convince you not to do it. The timing is really what’s comfortable for you. I’d love to hear from folks in the comments who’ve navigated these waters and hear what helped you have these conversations. Also, because you welcomed all suggestions, however serious or no, maybe you could consider a PowerPoint! My favorite part in the slideshow is where the presenter asks for all questions to be saved for the end!

Q21:

Hey :)

In the last few years, I’ve come out as bi, to myself as much as anyone else (traditional religious upbringing, still a Christian).

Then, in the last ~2 years, I’ve started moving heavily towards masc of centre dressing and presentation – I’ve never been much of a “””girly girl”””, but used to wear dresses and skirts sometimes, the idea of which now really upsets me. I cut my hair short, got a couple of binders (which I love), and just recently I’ve started using a different, less gendered name – I actually just got a job a couple of days ago, at my old university, so they could see my old name but very casually accepted my new one, so I’m effectively out at work before I’ve even started.

As recently as December 2020, I found the label “tomboy femme” and it felt right, but I feel like I’ve veered across about 3 lanes of traffic since, verging towards trans masc. However! I live in England, a trans nightmare land. Part of my brain has been wondering about T or top surgery, but it hardly feels worth it when the waiting lists for gender identity clinics are 4 years+, and I don’t have the standard trans storyline they expect/demand. I looked it up and even for getting private top surgery, you need a diagnosis from one of the clinics.

I don’t know if I count as trans enough, and I don’t know if that’s even right – my gender feels like a big ball of “??????” But on a recent trip 3 separate people at least initially took me for a man, and I kind of liked that.

What things I can do to see if this settles in more? what alternatives are there to medical transition if that’s not a possibility any time soon?

Please help!

P.S. I realise that being fairly financially stable I come at this from a position of real privilege and I hope I don’t sound too much like a toddler (“I want it now!”) It’s more, I can’t even really tell if I do or don’t want HRT/surgery etc because it doesn’t feel like even a remote possibility – how can I work through that?

P.P.S. sorry sorry sorry last bit I SWEAR: for context I’m 35, I was 31 and a grownass adult/wife/parent when I realised I’m bi, so this feels very late for the onset of gender discomfort?

A:

Nico: It’s not too late! It’s never too late for gender feelings, in fact. And you are queer and trans enough! It’s restrictive and underfunded care systems that are the problem.

Okay, so, because things are very much up in the air right now in terms of knowing what you want to do (if anything) in terms of HRT / top surgery, I encourage you to give yourself space to think and feel through all your possibilities, to journal, to read (including on this website), to talk to friends and a therapist if possible and to look into joining a local (or virtual) trans support group if you can find one. Talking to other trans people may be super helpful in this situation. I’m sorry I can’t help more with the specifics of accessing medical care in the UK, but one of the places that has some of the most like, nuts and bolts local resources when it comes to trans / gender confirming care in specific localities is Reddit. Here’s a list of gender service wait times I found on the Trans UK subreddit and wow, yes, it does look like the private clinics have much shorter waits, but looking through this subreddit may be helpful as there are a bunch of people sharing info on navigating these systems.

And the alternatives to medical transition are, in a lot of ways, things you are already doing that fall under the umbrella of social transition. You can ask people to use the pronouns for you that feel best, dress and present in ways that bring you joy, and go by a name that aligns with your identity (and also these specifics may change as you uncover more of your truth, too), among other things! Wishing you tons of luck and also, if anyone has any advice from the UK they want to share in the comments, I’m sure it will be greatly appreciated!!

Q22:

How do I clarify a breakup with my long distance polyamorous (ex-?) girlfriend?

I know everyone says communication is the key blah blah blah but I’m autistic and generally suck at communication and feelings, especially because first of all I’m terrible at knowing what feelings I actually have. And now it sounds like I’m just making excuses to avoid having a more than awkward conversation which I definitely am.

So my girlfriend and I found each other in pandemic times and supported each other (or maybe she supported me more?) through extremely difficult times. But now that I’ve been through a lot of growth and moving away and she’s been having a lot of new relationships we’ve grown apart, and don’t really talk much at all. I said I needed a break and haven’t heard from her since and it’s been a few weeks. I guess this wasn’t very fair on my side and now I think I should clarify this as an actual breakup, but the more time passes the weirdest it feels to go back on my words since I haven’t heard anything from her. And I have a lot of queer friends who are geographically close to her, and I’m afraid of becoming The Asshole™ and them taking sides against me (I’ve seen that happen with another breakup in the friend group). Breaking up with my girlfriend is one thing but I don’t want to breakup with the whole friend group (who are also in the polyamorous polycule).

Am I doomed already or is there a way to politely make the situation clear?
Or can I just assume she reads A+ and figure out in an extremely embarrassing way this is us? (this is sarcasm, but maybe it could happen?)

A:

Ro: I don’t know what specific expectations you shared with your girlfriend when you requested a break, so I can’t say for sure — but to me, it sounds like your girlfriend hasn’t reached out to you because she’s respecting the break you asked for. If what you really wanted was to break up, then you do need to break up with your girlfriend. From what I can tell, she’s respecting your boundaries, so you need to show respect for her and for the relationship you built together, even though it’s over.

Q23:

Hello lovelies! I am on a quest to find picture books that feature queer single moms. A dear friend of mine is single parenting by choice and has been feeling sad about not being able to find other queer single parent friends. I think having some representation to show her child (an infant currently) might lift her spirits a bit. I have been googling but most of the options I’m finding are either 1) books that show a bunch of different family structures with one page about single moms, or 2) books that star animals so the gender of the parent(s) can be read any way you want. Those books are okay, but what I’m really after is a story about a queer mom and a kid that celebrates single motherhood. I figured if anyone would know of such a book, it would be you all / the Autostraddle community! Would love any recommendations, please and thank you!

A:

Casey: It brings me pain to report back here after doing research that I was unable to find ANY picture books that are exactly what your friend is looking for. Here are a few options I think are the closest fits available now:

Two Moms, Two Houses by Jessica Wexler and Jeric Tan: this one is about a kid of unspecified gender whose moms are divorced and live in separate houses, so technically they are both single moms!

X, Y, and Me series: you can order different versions of this book depending on the specific representation you are looking for, including single moms who conceived via donor insemination, IVF, etc. Geared towards explaining how the kid came into being when they ask where they came from!

It is so hard to find picture books featuring a recognizably human queer single mom. Just as you’ve said, there is a decent amount of picture books about different kinds of families that feature (presumably heterosexual) single moms and pictures books about two kids with two moms. In general for picture books, queerness of parents is indicated by their partner’s gender; I’ve seen bi women searching for bi+ rep in kids picture books and that seems elusive as well, given the assumptions of gay or straightness depending on the mom’s partner.

I would like to recommend a micro indie press you may not have heard of, called Flamingo Rampant. They publish feminist, racially diverse, LGBTQ+ positive picture books. I highly recommend them!

I also recommend the website mombian.com which has a plethora of LGBTQ+ picture book recommendations and information. The site hosts a 1000+ book database about queer kids books and has a “single moms” tag, although all of the books there seem to fall into the category of ones that feature single moms among other family/parent types. It might be worth browsing to see if there are some queer single mom books that haven’t been tagged as such.

Q24:

Hello. Almost two months ago, my girlfriend of five years left me for another woman. I am completely heartbroken. This is not the first time this has happened to me. Many years ago, my (less serious) girlfriend pretty much cheated on me and then left me for a brief fling with that woman. How do I get through this? I feel like maybe i am just the type of gal who gets left out to dry when someone hotter comes along? How do I avoid this in the future, especially when I didn’t really see any warning signs at the time? Please tell me there is something more comforting I can hold onto other than reminding myself that those rebound type relationships almost never work and my ex will also be single again.

A:

Himani: I’m really sorry this happened to you. Honestly, the best advice I can think of is to remind yourself that neither of these people’s actions are actually about you. They’re shitty and dishonest people. The issue here isn’t that you’re “not hot enough” or someone not loveable or worth being in a relationship with. It’s that both of these people are extremely selfish and uncaring. It speaks to their characters and their own insecurities that they left you, and says nothing about you as a person or as a partner. This is probably cold comfort but in both cases you really are better off without them. You deserve to be with someone who is thoughtful and respectful of you and your feelings and clearly neither of these people were capable of doing either of those things.

Q25:

I just experienced my first queer, messy situationship break up. It ended in a sudden and hurtful way. I know there is a trope about being friends with exes, but I feel like there is too much hurt and mistrust for me to do that right now. I set what I think are healthy boundaries and I’m committed to not being in contact with them for the foreseeable future.

In my past (dating men), this was super easy for me. I never had any interest in rekindling even friendships after breakups. I was pretty smug about my ability to walk away. Now I’m realizing that it was because I just wasn’t into men and being in relationships with them.

So now I find myself torn up with no coping mechanisms. How do y’all keep boundaries you set when it’s really tempting to reach out? How do you resist the lure of texting every time you are reminded of a shared moment or inside joke?

A:

Ro: It sounds like you know what you need right now. I think it’s smart to have a long no-contact period before attempting to be friends with an ex so you can both have some distance, clarity, and time to process. You might decide that you never want to be friends with this person. That’s ok! Queer people are not required to befriend all of our exes, no mater what the memes say. Sometimes it’s healthier to let people go.

If you can’t resist the temptation to reach out to your ex, block them on social media. Delete or block their phone number if you have to. There is no shame in doing what you need to do in order to respect your own boundaries and heal. And if your ex has been trying to get in touch with you, make sure you’ve clearly stated that you don’t want to be in contact for a while (and if you haven’t explicitly said that, then tell them! Your ex can’t respect boundaries they’re not aware of).

Himani: Ro said this in response to an earlier question, but I want to repeat it here. After a breakup, you need to take some time to rebuild your life without that relationship. I agree with Ro here as well, in terms of doing whatever you need to do to give yourself space. In terms of being reminded of them by shared moments and inside jokes, for me, the only way I moved on from this was by building memories with other people around some of those things, or, in some cases reminding myself that some of those things that felt uniquely shared with my ex were actually things I had also shared with friends and others before that. Ultimately, this is about letting time pass while actively building new memories that you can draw on instead of the ones with your ex.

Q26:

Recommendations for an online place to buy cute summer dresses? Preferably Queer or BIPOC owned stores.

A:

Himani: I don’t wear dresses much but my sister swears by eShakti and she has many, many cute summer dresses from there.

Nico: There are also some cute dresses in this Style Thief! But also, the next Member2Member Advice post, next week on Tuesday, is going to be ALL ABOUT where we buy our clothes, asking for and sharing resources, so I encourage you to crowsource some ideas then, too!