feature image via Getty Images/ Holly Falconer

Welcome to the 65th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s theme is: SKINCARE AND BEAUTY. Get those questions into the A+ Priority Contact Box by Monday, August 8th so that we have plenty of time to answer them!! Thank you so much.

The general Into the A+ Advice Box, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

how normal is it to be a low-income queer and not able to afford stuff like owning a car (or even knowing how to drive) and not able to afford frequent trips?

A:

shea: Normal? I’m not even sure I like that word, because typically “normal” just means “what have we been socialized to think is common and/or ideal?” or “what ideas has society/media fed us about what we should be doing?” But my short answer is YES – this is completely normal to be low-income, queer, and not be able to afford things, especially in this country. There was actually a study done recently by UCLA’s School of Law Williams Institute that found “poverty rates differ by sexual orientation and gender identity with transgender people and cisgender bisexual women faring the worst.” The Institute also reported “LGBT people of most races and ethnicities show higher rates of poverty than their cisgender straight counterparts.” So yeah it’s hella “normal.” Just because we’ve got all these Subaru jokes and you see queer folks on The L Word owning bars and running galleries doesn’t mean some of us ain’t struggling in the background. Queer and trans folks, particularly QTPOC often exist on the margins and depend heavily on community support (like mutual aid and chosen families) for sustenance. Sure some of us are rolling in dough, but also some of us take the bus. Some of us have shitty credit and tons of debt. Some of us are houseless. Some of us still have rent parties to keep the lights on. Some of us are just trying to make it. In fact, making a way of no way – carving our own paths in a world designed for us to fail, feeding ourselves when they want us to starve – is perhaps what we do best.

Ro: Here are just a few reasons why many LGBTQ+ people are low-income and/or are living paycheck to paycheck: Many of us lack financial support from our families due to homophobia or transphobia. We might face job descriminiation or housing discrimination because of our identities. We’re more likely to live in big cities, which often feel like safe(r) spaces for LGBTQ+ people, but that means we have to pay big city rent to live there. We might need gender affirming hormone therapy or surgeries that aren’t covered by insurance. And many of us need therapy — which is really, really expensive! Throw in other intersecting marginalized identities, and the fiancial obstacles queer folks face get even bigger and gnarlier.

shea is right — we’re not all Subaru-driving, power suit-wearing, affluent L Word queers. If it helps, I’m 32, I’ve never owned a car, I don’t travel much and I’ve never been overseas. I haven’t been in a position to afford that stuff, because the kind of work I’ve always been drawn to (and the kind of work I can easily get as someone whose appearance leads people to ask “Are you a boy or a girl?” multiple times per week) either doesn’t pay very well or it’s inherently unstable or both. Sometimes it sucks, especially when I’m slapped with a big medical bill, but in my day-to-day life, I’m really happy.

So friend, if you’re feeling alone in your financial struggles, I’m right there with you — and lots of other LGBTQ+ people are with you, too. It’s not right or fair, but at least many of us can understand each other and offer each other support when we can.

Nicole: I’d say it’s pretty normal, but I agree that the expectation of wealth built into our media and, at least, US culture, is really pervasive and hard to escape and harmful. The first time I put on The L Word, I turned it right back off a few minutes into the first episode because Bette and Tina were just too unrelatable in their giant LA house. (I have since then watched all of The L Word lol.) For most of my life, my annual income’s been in the mid-20k range after taxes. It’s increased as I’ve gotten older, gained more experience and more skills and as those skills became more in-demand, but I still feel the lingering effects. You have bad shoes and thin coats and you skip going to the dentist. You don’t go on elaborate trips. So, now, I find myself doing things like buying my first pair of actually warm boots because I had simply never gotten myself any and had just been powering through winters in the same pairs of boots I wore year-round. Apparently, feet can be kept warm in winter!

shea did an awesome job above pointing out some statistics about queer and trans people and poverty. And it might be surprising to think about because we don’t talk about money as a culture, and I’ve found that, especially middle or upper class people, get very discombobulated if you bring up financial difficulties. It can all feel very hush hush, and I do think we have to talk about money more as a community because when we don’t, people wind up feeling alone!

With that, it’s also no secret that people tend to present themselves online in a curated fashion. When someone’s showing a cute outfit they got, it’s not like they’re also holding up their student loan statement or the receipt from paying for their prescriptions at the same time. It’s really easy to look like you’ve got everything together online, or to leave your stress and bills shoved into a drawer at home before going out with friends. (Kind of like how Autostraddle looks really sleek and sexy because we’re a website and that’s a thing you can do with graphic design, but we’re also still just a bunch of queer people running a website from our living rooms on our laptops while the question of how we’ll afford anything in the future looms ominously – but at least we have Canva.)

Another thing is that people often get help from their families, and then rarely or never talk about it. Queer and trans people, for a number of reasons, may not get this kind of help, but they also might (if they have the generational wealth in the first place) – you can’t usually know. But, I will say, just from living a life where I know a lot of artists, it can be confusing when people just mysteriously have nice things that don’t really match with their employment situations. Often, the solution to the mystery is that their parents are giving them money! Any feelings people may have about this aside, the reality is, that if you have to go out and get all your own funds, then life is going to look different for you than it does for someone who receives family help. Depending on where you are in life or your social circles or what you do for work, you may also feel like you’re the odd one out, but again, this isn’t true for queer people across the board.

There are so many layers to this it’s really hard to unpack but, the point is, I think there are a lot of reasons – from what’s considered sellable in media, tto tactics used to shame people into buying products – that the view of what’s “normal” gets pushed to look like what’s actually upper income, which is not realistic. shea and Ro have also mentioned that the queer community is diverse and has people with all different kinds of jobs and financial situations. I love, for example, this post of jobs that A+ members reported having on our last survey. There is such a variety of things that you all do – and, unfortunately, a lot of wages for certain jobs are really super unjust right now, and often those are jobs that queer people have, whether those are roles in hospitality or nonprofit work, caregiving, teaching and more.

But, like shea and Ro have pointed out, there are things we can do, like focusing on mutual aid and community care, having honest conversations, and resisting the systems that treat access to basic life necessities like a privilege as opposed to the right it actually is. You didn’t ask how to go on more trips or learn to drive or get a car if you needed one, but I do also have to say that while these things are harder, they aren’t impossible. There are cheap ways to travel (like crashing with friends) and more, so I don’t want you to feel like you’re completely trapped, either. But that’s a conversation for another day!

*I wouldn’t be bringing dad energy to this convo if I didn’t say that a Subaru is a pretty good choice for an affordable car IMO because the parts are easy to obtain and most mechanics know how to work on them, just, like, saying. Also, I just looked up what car Bette Porter drives in Gen Q and it is literally a Tesla LMAO.

Q2:

A Queer Quonundrum:

I am married to a cis straight man who I really love and consider to be my soulmate. We’ve been together for over 7 years, and he is, among other things, my best friend.

During quarantine, I realized I was genderqueer, and ended up getting top surgery. He wasn’t against my decision, but he was definitely sad about it, which meant that while I was recovering (and excited!), I felt I had to hide myself to accommodate his grief.

We’ve talked about stuff since, and he’s been really trying to understand, but the truth is, I think he’s more unsure and less attracted to me the more I experiment with gender. In addition to being a blow to self esteem, I think this has kind of held me back from really being my full self.

Meanwhile, I have an old friend who has been EXTREMELY supportive of me throughout my gender exploration, and despite her “straight-ish”-ness, I’ve been getting the vibe that, the more i experiment and become who I am, the more attractive she is starting to find me.

I would never cheat (and even thinking this stuff makes me guilty), but I don’t know what to do. I love my husband and the life we’ve built, but lately I also find myself wishing for the feeling I get when I hang out with my friends, that I’m hottest when I’m me-est.

What 2 do??

A:

Casey:
Oh dear friend, congratulations on becoming more you and figuring out you’re genderqueer! One of the tough truths about being in a relationship with another person is that all the people involved are ever-changing human beings and sometimes the ways we evolve – even or especially if you’re becoming the best version of yourself – means that the relationship is no longer the best fit.

Both you and your husband deserve a primary romantic and sexual partnership where you are free to be your full selves. It looks like you are heading in a direction that means this may no longer be the case. If he’s exclusively attracted to women and you’re not a woman, that may be a dealbreaker. It sounds like this relationship was great for you and him and served you both for many years. But it may be the relationship’s time to end, in the form it is now. This can still be true even if you still love each other.

You deserve to explore yourself and be the best version of you. It’s not a failure if you break up, and it doesn’t taint what you had together. I think it’s very possible, with a lot of time, to transform your relationship into a friendship that would fit where you two are in your lives right now.

Obviously you and he need to have a big honest conversation (actually, a bunch of conversations probably) about where you’re at and how you’re feeling.

As for the friend you’re maybe feeling a mutual attraction with: this is very much not the time to explore that, imho!

Nicole: I agree with Casey! And just because a relationship might be ending, that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t valuable or that the person you’re with isn’t important to you or that you can’t remain friends. Sometimes things just run their course.

Q3:

Dear AS, I have a fashion question for you! I have a deep and abiding love for ridiculous, over the top, sequinned, colourful, very very tall heels, the kind that drag queens and burlesque dancers wear. I’ve not been able to walk in them for years due to knee problems so, very sadly, no heels for me. But recently I’ve started using a wheelchair and, joy of joys, ridiculous heels are on the menu! I’ve bought some incredible shoes but.. what does a plus size woman who usually dresses pretty practically wear with them? Should I thrift some sequin cocktail dresses? Should I go with plain black for the contrast? Please help!!

A:

Dani Janae: I believe that fashion rules state that if you have “busy” shoes and accessories you want to tone down the outfit. But the fun thing about fashion is breaking the rules! Depending on the color of your heels they can really serve as the perfect pop of color for a pretty safe outfit.

I don’t wear heels but I think you can wear them with a funky dress of the same or a complimentary color! If you wear pants you can also wear heels with them, just make sure your pants aren’t so long they conceal the majesty of your shoes.

I think overall you should take fashion risks and find out what makes you feel good. If that’s bright red shoes with a yellow dress, then I say go for it!

Sa’iyda: Dani is right, the fun of fashion is breaking the rules! I feel like clothing and fashion is a lot about vibes. If you’re feeling like you want the shoes to really be the standout of your outfit, then tone down the rest of the outfit to highlight the shoes. Not necessarily wearing all black, but maybe another neutral. If you have on a print, see if there’s a color in the print that the shoe will go with. I love wearing a colorful dress with another colored shoe.

You say you dress “pretty practically,” and I wonder what that means exactly? Like, are you a jeans and a tee kind of person? Because let me tell ya, that would be an awesome moment to put on your amazing shoes and let them do the damn thing! I would absolutely rock a gorgeous, bold shoe with jeans and a tee, or a sweater and slacks. You can absolutely pull them off even with cargo shorts or cargo pants.

I wish I could see your shoes! I’m feeling inspired!

Q4:

How do you figure out whether you’re aromantic or just haven’t fallen in love yet? For context, I’m in my thirties, and it feels like I should have fallen in love at least once by now if it was going to happen. On the other hand, I’ve only ever been in one real relationship (and currently in it, for about 7 years, and care about my person a lot). I don’t want to end a good thing for something I don’t even know exists for me. Halp?

A:

Vanessa: Okay, I have to be brutally honest here: I think if you have been in a relationship with someone for 7 years and you’re not feeling the kind of “in love” feeling you think might be out there, you need to consider breaking up with them. Not because it’s impossible to be in a relationship if you’re aromantic, and not because something you don’t even know exists for you might be out there. But because we all deserve honesty and mutual care in our relationships, and the way you wrote your question makes me think that something — whatever that thing is — has been missing for a long time in your relationship, and you’ve been in it for many many years at this point, and both you and the person you’re with (who you care about a lot) deserve the chance to get your needs met in other relationships if the one you’re in isn’t doing that.

So, are you aromantic? Have you just not fallen in love yet? Is “love” the thing you’re missing? I can’t know. You can’t necessarily know either. But I do have some questions that I think might be pertinent to think about, journal about, and sit with as you move forward — not necessarily in Figuring Out If You’re Aromantic Or Simply Haven’t Fallen In Love Yet, but in Figuring Out What To Do About Your Current Wild And Precious Life And The Relationship You’re In WIth A Person You Care About A Lot.

What does it mean TO YOU to “fall in love”? What are you hoping to feel in a connection or a relationship with someone? Have you told your partner you love them over the past 7 years? What has that statement meant to you? Do you have examples of love that inspire you in your life? What would an ideal partnership look like for you? If you were to start dating, what would you be looking for, both when it comes to feelings and when it comes to routines and foundations?

I don’t think it’s impossible to get to your thirties and never fall in love. I don’t think that means you’re definitely aromantic. I also don’t think we always have the clearest answers to the question “what does it mean to fall in love” because as a culture we’ve relied on some strange myths and tropes and have not always cultivated care (for ourselves and for one another). I think your questions are both simpler and also more complicated than what you’re asking. Are you happy in your current relationship? Do you want to stay? Are you unhappy in your current relationship? Do you want to leave, not necessarily because anything is bad, but just because you want to explore the world and see what else is out there? Either of these choices would be okay, but neither would answer the question “am I aromantic?” I think a more useful question is: What do I want to do next? A label won’t illuminate this for you, but it’s a question worth answering nonetheless. Good luck out there; I’m thinking of you and wishing you and your partner the best. <3

shea: I agree with Vanessa. It may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Sure, after seven years, your relationship may look different than it did in the hot and steamy early stages but if you don’t think you’re in love, I wonder what the benefit of the relationship might be for either of you. Is it simply convenient? Do you just like their company? Is the sex out of this world and you can’t get enough? I would ask myself these questions and be honest with myself (and my partner) about the situation. I was actually in this exact situation just about seven years ago! I realized that it wasn’t that I was aromantic, there just wasn’t a real spark with that person. We were together for six years and most of the time, it was just convenient. This conundrum is tough because being honest with ourselves and the people we care about sometimes hurts. However, y’all both deserve all the best things. Before you blow up your relationship, I do think you should consider Vanessa’s point about what counts as “falling in love” and how you learned that definition. It’s not all roses, sunshine, and fireworks. Perhaps Interrogate these definitions and your own feelings before telling bae, “I’m not in love with you.”

Abeni: I want to emphasize Vanessa’s point about how “being in love” means something, and feels, different to everyone, and if we think there’s supposed to be a fairy tale-like spark of long-term chemistry or buy into “you’ll just know when you’re in love,” we might be setting ourselves up for failure. Yes, it’s possible your feelings are a problem or whatever, but it’s also possible that you and your partner, compatible as you are having been together for seven years, are totally in love. It’s possible y’all’s love is just more low-key than you’ve been led to believe it should be. More important questions than “are you in love:” are you happy? Do you want the relationship to continue? Do you consistently feel like you’d be happier with someone else, or alone? Seven years is a long time – moving toward being life partners. How does considering that make you feel? Consider those; they might give you more useful information than deciding whether you’re “in love” or not.

Q5:

A classmate/former friend gave me a vintage, somewhat hard to find book as a present many years ago. I want to get rid of the book, but there’s a handwritten personal message from this person on the cover page. I’m torn on whether I should rip out the page, or try to cover up the note since this friend and I both have unique names and it seems kind of personal to just put it out there in the world with our names attached to it (??) Idk maybe I’m overthinking it. How would you get rid of this book? I also feel weird ripping out a page/defacing it because it is kind of a rare book and I don’t want to diminish its value to someone else. Halp!

A:

shea: My initial thought was “NO! Don’t get rid of it,” because I’m so sentimental when it comes to personalized book gifts, especially rare or hard-to-find books. However, I also believe if it’s time to release something, just let it go. Letting go of things allows us to make space for new ideas and books, right? If you’re completely sold on getting rid of it, I recommend letting it go with the inscription intact. I always feel like the inscription adds a beautiful piece of history to the book. I’m a romcom buff and there’s a wonderful storyline in Definitely, Maybe of Isla Fisher’s character searching for a book with an inscription from her father. Whenever I pick up a book in a used book store, I definitely love finding an inscription that lets me know where the book has been before I picked it up – whose hands and eyes have touched the book and its journey thus far. Don’t overthink it, babe. Let the book go as-is and move on.

Vanessa: Strongly agree with shea! If it’s time to let the book go, it’s time to let the book go. If the inscription means enough to you that you really want to keep it, you can take a photo of it, photocopy it, or copy it into a journal. Then make peace with saying goodbye to the book — all of it, inscription and all! — and let it go.

Q6:

I’ve recently started having panic attacks for the first time (thanks pandemic and oh, everything!).. would love to hear any tips/advice from folks who have more experience with panic attacks. What helps you when you’re in the middle of it? How do you take care of yourself before/after? Is it pretty different from person to person, or are there commonalities? How do you know if/when you need to seek help for it? Thank you 💙

A:

Casey: Stick with me here, but as someone who’s had anxiety and panic attacks her whole life and who has consciously been addressing it for a decade-ish, my advice is to avoid getting to the state where you have a full blown panic attack. You say you’ve just recently started having panic attacks, but what about generalized anxiety symptoms? Do those predate the pandemic? I’m thinking about things like trouble falling or staying asleep, loss of / decreased appetite, upset stomach, heart racing, feelings of nervousness that don’t match the situation you’re in, sweating a lot when it isn’t actually that hot, numbness / tingling, and generally feelings of unease that are detrimental to your everyday life. These are all symptoms I have experienced, and it took me a long time to realize that some of them were anxiety related. I thought I was “fine” and then all of a sudden in a panic, whereas in reality I had been ignoring signals my body was giving me that it was very anxious! Maybe you are experiencing some of these and haven’t connected them to your panic attacks either.

Panic attacks themselves don’t arrive out of nowhere from a state of calm well being, they are a culmination of shit getting really bad until your body kind of explodes. Panic attacks literally feel like you’re dying, as you and I know well, and many of the symptoms are the same as when you are having a heart attack. They feel horrible, release a bunch of adrenaline, and therefore leave you feeling depleted and exhausted. Hence my advice to try to prevent them all together by keeping the generalized anxiety at bay.

The two preventative measures that have worked the best for me are medication and exercise. If you are open to medication, make an appointment with your doctor and they’ll go through a checklist with you about what types of feelings and symptoms you’re experiencing and how often. You asked how to know when/if to seek help (which you have done in writing us!). But in terms of professional help, my opinion is that if you are having full blown panic attacks that means your anxiety is at a point where you should seek the help of a doctor and/or mental health professional. That checklist doctors use will also give you and them an idea of the severity and what avenues you might want to pursue. You might not realize how often you’re feeling bad until someone asks you to think about it. The doctor uses that info to see if they’d recommend a daily ongoing medication or one that you can take as needed on bad days. Personally, the as needed medication didn’t help me that much as it’s reactive instead of preventative.

Exercise has also been so so helpful for me! Like, getting a good sweaty workout daily for at least 30 minutes if you can manage it. Pick something you actually like to do, or at least something you can willingly do with a great music playlist or listening to an audiobook or podcast. I cannot recommend exercise enough! Oddly even though it makes your heart race and your breathing hard just like anxiety, it has the opposite effect! Regular exercise has been a key preventative measure for me. I can literally feel my anxiety symptoms flare up if I slack off.

One last random thing that has helped me too: try totally cutting caffeine from your diet if you can. For me, the effects of even a cup of green tea when my anxiety is flaring truly makes it worse. No coffee, no dark chocolate, no black or green tea!

I have not tried counseling or therapy (mostly because of the cost and difficulty of finding someone who’s a good fit but also lol because the idea makes me anxious) but I know that can be life changing for some people so hopefully someone else can jump in here with advice on that front.

Ro: I’m so sorry you’re dealing with panic attacks — they are truly the worst. I LOVE Casey’s advice. Here’s what I have to add as someone who used to have very frequent panic attacks and now has them occasionally:

If you’re already having panic attacks, then I think it’s the right time to seek professional help if you can afford it. Therapy can help you identify any possible underlying causes behind your panic attacks, and a mental health professional can give you management tools that are specifically geared towards your needs. Through therapy, I learned that I’d been dealing with OCD since early childhood (I had no idea that’s what was happening). When I got better at managing my OCD, my panic attacks tapered off quite a bit.

When I was having frequent panic attacks, I let people close to me know what was going on (“Sometimes I have panic attacks. Here’s what they look and feel like. If I start having a panic attack in your presence, here are some things you can do that might help me get through it”). Knowing that I had a support system in place made me feel less afraid of the panic attacks themselves (because they usually made me feel like I was dying — and that’s scary!).

These days, I can usually talk myself through a panic attack, and if that’s not working, I jump in a cold shower. That helps me reset my nervous system and get out of whatever thought loop I’ve been stuck in.

shea: Oh fam, I feel you. I have panic attacks a lot. It’s only gotten worse during the pandemic. Here’s something that really helps me – if I’m having a panic attack and my wife’s around, she lays directly on top of me or leans on top of me on the couch. The pressure, warmth, and her presence calm me down substantially. I know there are some benefits of weight (like weighted blankets) when it comes to anxiety and I think this might be right in line with that. If you have a friend or partner you trust with this, try it out and report back!

Q7:

I have ADHD. when I was young, my strategy of only doing the studying two days in advance for an exam worked without problems. For years, this has not worked anymore (I stopped going to university for this reason, now started new studies) I was very motivated for my new studies. I am really into the topics. But I have only had online classes for now and I have not been able to do my exams because I didnt study for them even though the topics in themselves are SUPER EASY and I should be able to do them without problems. tomorrow I’m meant to write another exam. I was convinced I could do it, studying two days in advance. I will fail this very easy exam tomorrow, I know this, and that’s just bc I didnt study for it. I have never studied for anything, but it used to be so easy when I was 15!! I didnt study for my finals in school at all!! And I made it. Why cant I do this now?? and how do I make myself study like, earlier?? I am so exhausted and I will fail, as I have failed at the other uni. and that has NOTHING to do with me being knowledgeable or not. I am so fucking angry at myself. I hate myself for this. But I dont want to say this because it’s just self-pity. This is in my hands. I should be able to use my brain and study like a normal person omg. I have no discipline, the only reason I was successful until now is because everything was easy. I dont know what I’m looking for tbh…i just really need advice on how to be a better student.

A:

Christina: Oh buddy, do I feel you! I straight up dropped out of college for fiveish years before returning and finishing my degree. I absolutely get how annoying it is to know all the right things to do and feel like you are simply unable to do them, no matter how much you hate the desperate rush to get everything done at the last minute. And online classes are HARD! With or without an attention disorder, honestly! So! You know you have an attention disorder, that is great! You did not say if you are taking meds at the moment, which can be a great help, but the thing that helped me more than anything was structure. I know, it sounds awful and hard, but if you aren’t doing the things you need to get done and hating yourself for it, you owe it to yourself to figure out a structure for school work that works for you and makes you feel good. I am a person who needs deadlines written on a big ol paper calendar. Paper, not electronic, electronic just means I’ll forget what I am doing and get on Twitter again. I need to have a place to look at everything I have to do in a month so I don’t overschedule myself and wear myself out. Take a look at how you are keeping track of deadlines—what works for you? What doesn’t? Also, what time of day do you feel like your brain works best? I know that if I don’t start my day with a productive task (tidying something, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom, what have you) my brain will say “Oh word? We have the day off?” and I’ll be unable to get a single thing done. I know I am better at writing in the morning, and if I want to write I have to start before noon. Think about the times and places that doing your work and studying feels good, and make those things a part of your daily routine. Maybe you need to study in sprints, fifteen minutes on, five minutes off.

And honestly, if you know you have ADHD and want help managing it—with or without meds—it really might help to talk to a therapist and or psychiatrist about it. I didn’t start taking meds until my therapist and I had worked out a bunch of stuff like I mentioned above, the scaffolding that made me feel like I had a way to control all things in my brain. Most of all, I want you to stop being so hard on yourself! You are entirely capable of figuring out how you can shine and do all you want to do, you just gotta give yourself a chance to figure out how! I believe in you!

Darcy: Christina had some great advice! I want to quote two parts of your question back to you. First, you wrote “I have ADHD.” Later, you wrote “This is in my hands. I should be able to use my brain and study like a normal person omg.”

Friend! You have an actual, diagnosed difference in your brain. It’s defined in the DSM. The ADA includes ADHD as a recognized disability. You are not lazy. You do not lack discipline. What you currently lack are the full set of tools that are going to help you get through your university experience (and beyond). You’ve made it thus far utilizing one of your tools — intelligence — but now it’s becoming clear that in order to move forward, you’ll need other tools as well. A person who needs glasses would have a pretty hard time getting through college without them, wouldn’t they? What you need to do, with the help of qualified professionals, is figure out what your ADHD brain’s version of glasses is going to be.

I think the first thing you need to do is reach out to your university. Most universities will have some version of an Accessibility Resource Center. Googling your university’s name + “ADHD” or “accessibility” may take you right to some resources, as it just did for two colleges I looked up; if you can’t find it that way, contact your Student Health Center and ask for a referral. I know, reaching out for help takes time and effort and you’ll want to put it off! But this is important. I know you can succeed at school if you have the tools you need, and this will be one of your first steps.

Depending on your situation and the resources available to you, medication may end up being an important tool in your toolbox. Other important tools may include academic accommodations, resources to help you learn more about how your particular brain works and what motivates you, and probably some therapy sessions, where you can start to unlearn the ableist biases that we’ve all been indoctrinated with, and have a space to explore your feelings around your diagnosis.

Once you start to build your toolbox, you’ll start to figure out some of the hacks that work for you, like Christina’s paper calendars. Since your classes are online, it may be helpful to organize or join either real-space or virtual study groups, where you take responsibility for learning and presenting one of the topics you’ll be tested on later, so you can’t just bail. Depending on how your brain works, it may be helpful for you to go to a space with other people in it (if you can do so in a way you feel Covid comfortable), like a park, coffee shop, or coworking space to study — some people find the presence of other people helpful for staying on task. It may be helpful to enlist a friend or loved one to quiz you at designated times, so that you have to study weeks before the test instead of days.

Bottom line: you can’t do this alone, without your toolbox, and you shouldn’t have to. As a student, there should be resources available to you, and I really hope you are able to avail yourself of some of them! However things go, I am in your corner. Like Christina said, I hope you are able to be gentle with yourself, like you would be with a friend. So many of us have been in the spot you’re in now. You will get through it!

Q8:

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I may be gender fluid. it feels like an identity that I can relate to strongly, reflecting on my childhood, my inner self, etc. After reading Anna Marie McLemore’s recently published ‘lakelore’ I felt like I had a bit of a revelation. I hadn’t seen so many of the thoughts that ran through my own mine written down on paper. At times though, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. Like I wonder if I’m just trying to find things that feel right because so many other things in my life don’t, or if I’m just thinking too much about gender, or I don’t know how to think of womanhood. I feel like I’m not trans enough, like I don’t experience dysphoria on a regular basis, I like getting called ‘girl’ in bed, often times I’m very femme. I could probably live a cis girls life if I wanted to, or didn’t let my brain divert in so many directions, but there’s still moments where I lay in bed at night and cry because I feel like I’ll only be known as a girl. does that make sense? sometimes I’ll want to rip my skin off and climb to the top of a hill and scream. I don’t know what to wear in the morning. what pronouns to use. I’m happy in many ways but at the same time I feel like I’m going to explode with insuperable angst. I don’t know how to live the worlds I create in my head. they all feel fictionalized. and anyway I’m scarred of admitting any actual truths. what if they are not solid enough? what if I am not consistent enough? I know there are people in my life who love me, maybe I care about this more than anybody, but still… I’d really appreciate a little advice. Thanks in advance.

A:

Ro: I want to focus on this part of your question: “I’m scared of admitting any actual truths. What if they are not solid enough? What if I am not consistent enough?” To me, the most fun and powerful part of being queer is getting to experiment with who we are and what we like. Our gender expressions, our sexual orientations and the words we use to describe ourselves don’t have to be static. We are allowed to experiment and change.

It sounds like you’re stuck on questions like, “Am I genderfluid?” “Am I trans enough?” “Am I cis?” and “What does it mean if I like to be called ‘girl’ in bed?” And it sounds like these questions are really stressing you out! For now, if you can — stop asking questions and start playing! Chase whatever feels good to you in any given moment with the understanding that what feels good right now might change tomorrow or next year or in five minutes. Experiment with your style or your pronouns. Experiment with the language your partners use for you when you’re having sex. Ask your friends to use certain words to describe you and see what that feels like. Humans aren’t meant to be “consistent.” We’re supposed to grow and change (and yes, sometimes that growth and change shows up in our gender identities and expressions). I’ve used a LOT of different words to describe my gender, and I feel the most at home within myself when I remember that I don’t have to stay the same forever — and the people who love me will be along for the ride.

Q9:

Hello Autostraddle! I hope there has been a bright spot in your week, or at least a really good hug.

I realized I missed the deadline for the breakups themed advice box, but that’s ok! Breakup advice is timeless!

Context before I get to my question-
I’m 6 weeks out from a breakup with someone I dated for a year and a half. The breakup was a mutual agreement that each of our ability to meet our own needs as well as the other person’s needs was just not working well, and it was time to break the negative cycles we were stuck in and focus on taking care of ourselves. So, very sweet and healthy and also totally heart-rending. I am still grieving this relationship very very much, I have cried almost every day since the breakup. (I am in therapy and have friends I can talk to, I just also have big feelings and a big heart).

My question is about returning to masturbation in the wake of all this. Yes, I know I don’t have to if it wouldn’t feel right, but it’s something I feel my body asking for that I want to respond to, but am afraid I’ll somehow just make myself sadder. (Partnered sex was definitely something that was feeling hard towards the end of the relationship, but that didn’t keep me from having an active solo sex life for the most part). I don’t know how much of this is relationship grief vs if this is something that comes with grief of any kind. Sexuality is something that’s really important to me, and not being able to access self pleasure as a self-soothing mechanism makes me feel like I’m not myself.

Any advice or commiseration is much appreciated.

A:

Ro: I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. It completely makes sense that your solo sex life (and your feelings about your solo sex life) have been affected by your grief. That’s normal. Lots of people experience changes in their masturbation habits when they’re going through a breakup or any other type of grief or stress. That’s definitely true for me.

You don’t have to masturbate if that doesn’t feel right for you at this point in your healing process. But if you’re wanting to get back into the practice because you think it might give you some physical and emotional release, go for it — and know that you can stop at any time. If you usually masturbate with your hands, try using a vibrating, pulsing or thrusting sex toy so you don’t have to think so much about what you’re doing. That might help you relax into the experience. You can also try watching porn, listening to audio porn or reading erotica so you can stay focused on what’s hot and pleasurable.

Breakups are rough, but you’re going to get through it and feel more like yourself!

Vanessa: Ro’s advice is so solid, and I’m really sorry you are going through this pain right now, too. You sound so grounded and self-aware, and I know you know it will get easier, but I’m also impressed that you’re letting yourself feel such a big loss so fully.

In terms of masturbation, like I said, Ro’s advice is super solid — one thing I would add is it’s okay to just put it on the calendar. You definitely don’t HAVE to do it, and can always opt out if you start and change your mind of course, but much like moving your body or sitting outside or eating a vegetable or taking a shower can all be very caring things to do for yourself and yet can all feel quite challenging when you’re going through a tough time, masturbation can be that, too. If it’s something you know might make you feel better but you’re having trouble getting into or making time for, just put it on the calendar. Oh, there it is, you have a date with yourself and your Hitatchi at 7pm, gotta get to it! This little reminder might be the bump you need to get back in a regular routine of self-pleasure.

Another thing I want to note is it’s totally fine to sad-masturbate. I have legit cried and jacked off at the same time and it’s just like… fine? Like I still want to come even if I’m sad? YMMV, of course, but just want to shout out sad masturbation! LOL. Also also, I am definitely someone who notices the more I masturbate and/or have sex, the more I’m in the mood to get off, so it could just be a matter of kickstarting the cycle again and then you’ll feel more naturally excited about it.

Q10:

The masturbation roundtable made me write in with this question i’m having for quite a while now: everybody only talks about how enjoyable masturbation is for them! this is great and still…
while i am horny at times and want to act on that and i enjoy masturbation per se (i only started a few years ago, yay mental health), sexuality for me is interwoven with intimacy and being close with somebody (in a gray ace way but also in that sexuality is peak closeness).

so even if i begin when i simply feel horny, it just makes tangible and even more salient than it already is that i don’t have a partner. other times i guess i’m longing for connection, for intimacy with somebody else, and masturbation is supposed to mimick this – but fails.

either way after an initial spark, the joy in masturbation vanes so very quickly and i just feel empty and it makes me feel lonely.

what can i do??

i want to masturbate and feel good and fulfilled!

A:

Ro: Masturbation is a different experience for everyone, and maybe you’re someone who just doesn’t enjoy it that much. That’s ok! You don’t have to masturbate if it doesn’t feel pleasurable and fun. That said, I’m wondering if you’re having unrealistic expectations of masturbation. If you separate your ideas about masturbation from your ideas about partnered sex, you might enjoy it more.

This is just based on my own experience, and I’m interested in seeing what other Autsotraddle writers and readers have to say. My solo sex life looks and feels nothing like my partnered sex life. For me, solo masturbation is very much its own experience. Masturbation with a partner is another totally different experience. And other types of sex with a partner are also their own unique experiences.

I think a lot of people get stuck on the idea that when you’re masturbating, you’re supposed to be thinking about getting fucked or fucking a partner, but you don’t have to do that at all. You can imagine yourself watching two babes get it on. You can put on some instrumental music and focus on the sensations you’re feeling. You can watch yourself in the mirror and focus on how sexy you look while you touch yourself. In short, masturbation doesn’t have to be a “substitute” for sex with a partner — it can be its own unique experience. Even though solo masturbation doesn’t create intimacy with others, it helps you create intimacy with yourself, and that can be a hot and worthwhile practice.

Darcy: Ro makes great points! You write that for you, “sexuality and intimacy” feel very linked, and I’m wondering how you feel about secondhand intimacy — specifically through reading erotica, romance novels, or sexy fanfics. When I’m having trouble getting out of my own head, diving into some sexy, romantic fiction can help me to access sexuality in a way that doesn’t really have much to do with me, except insofar as I kind of imagine myself in the place of one of the characters. Finding a fic or romance novel that you really enjoy and then keeping your favorite toy close at hand for when things get steamy might be worth a shot! (And if you’ve never used one, I do highly recommend a simple toy, like a vibrator — it can help your body do some of the work, so your brain doesn’t have to work quite as hard!)

Q11:

I am so tired of COVID. The isolation, the mask wearing, the constant vigilance to making accommodations, and the new variants and mutations that present an ever-bleaker future. I know this is just peas and carrots to the very real consequences of COVID, but how does someone keep going? How do you keep building the community and care-taking and joy you want in your life but also deal with how terrible this pandemic is? I’m not the only one emotionally exhausted, but the real kicker are how my friends are judging to others being tired about COVID.

The existential dread and hopelessness only continues to grow, so how do I stick to my long term values and resist the short term gratification, when frankly we might not have a long term ahead of us?

A:

Darcy: Oh, friend. I hear you! There have been so many times in the past two years when I’ve felt sad, sapped, or alone; times when I’ve wanted to rip my mask off, and times when I wanted to scream at everyone at the supermarket who wasn’t wearing theirs. Since vaccines rolled out and mask mandates have gone away in my state, my initial feelings of visceral fear for my loved ones have mostly been replaced by the seething resentment of the only person in the group project who has been doing the work, if you know what I mean. It’s a lot! It continues to be a lot.

Different things have helped to recharge my batteries and help me feel optimistic (or, at the very least, peaceful) at different times, but here is an incomplete list: My group chat. Long calls with distant friends. Seeing the sky every day. Finding a perfect piece of stone fruit. My toddler niblings. Reading engrossing novels that took me far, far away. Keeping up with my prescribed medications. Taking up an instrument I played in childhood. Jumping into bodies of water in winter. Jumping into bodies of water in summer. Fixing up my home office space to be relaxing and functional. Finding a view, and sitting there awhile. The Poetry is Not A Luxury Instagram account. Taking long drives. Listening to the music I listened to in high school when I used to take long drives. Writing. This specific poem. My puppy, who takes a lot of work and won’t stop eating many expensive things around my house, but is still a walking (prancing, zooming, swimming) serotonin machine! Buying the gay orange button-up from Old Navy.

To speak a bit more practically, while I know we can’t always center ourselves in the moment, I do think that you can distance yourself from the judgments of your friends. Feelings are just feelings. They’re not good or bad, moral or amoral. Feeling tired of the pandemic is extremely relatable and common! Perhaps your friends are conflating people who feel tired of the pandemic and people who are behaving as though the pandemic is over; wherever their judgment stems from, it’s not useful, so I think you can feel free to let go of it completely. It’s become clear now that we’re in this for the long haul, and just like you would jettison items from your pack that were no longer useful on a through-hike, so as not to carry the extra weight, I think you can work on leaving behind the judgments of others when they add weight to your own journey.

There is a future ahead of us. It may not look like the future we imagined when we were growing up, or even five years ago; it may be harder, or less certain. It may involve obstacles we never imagined. But it will be there, and there will be moments of joy in it, and I want to be there with an open heart to experience those when they happen. The only way I know how to do that is to shoulder my own pack, to keep focusing on the things within my control, and to make time for pleasure and wonder along my way.

Valerie Anne: This is going to sound depressing at first but I need you to trust the process: One thing that helped me set down some of the existential dread of waiting for the pandemic to be over is that I stopped waiting for the pandemic to be over. I found myself wallowing in the bad feelings and trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s becoming increasingly obvious that this pandemic doesn’t have a clear end, and if it does, it’s not going to be any time soon. It’s so exhausting hoping and hoping for a thing that never feels like it’s getting any closer. So instead of fostering that hope and letting it grow, I put it on a shelf (I didn’t throw it away! I just stopped poking at it) and focused on what I could do to improve my mood/life as it stood. (Similar to Darcy’s advice of mining for joy wherever you can.) I make virtual plans with friends (watching movies “together” virtually, a casual zoom call, a virtual game night, etc) so I have activities to look forward to that don’t involve putting myself or my friends at risk. My friends and I also have adapted a new normal in that, if we’re seeing each other in person for a small gathering or an outdoor hang, we all drop our negative at-home tests in the group chat to put each other at ease. We test every single time we see each other, even if we’re just sitting outside, even if we’re going to the movies where we’ll be masked the whole time. It’s something that helps us all feel safe, and having this understanding so we don’t have to ask each other to do it every time helps us all feel like we’re on the same page and no one feels “annoying” for wanting that reassurance. It’s helpful to me to find a friend who feels similar to me and just vent about how frustrating it is that we’re still in this pandemic and not enough people are taking it seriously and how it may not ever end because of poor leadership; if anyone is annoyed with you for feeling that way…maybe it’s time to make new friends. Sometimes I feel like I’m being gaslit on a global scale when I see in-person concerts with no assigned seats happening (why are we moshing! stop moshing!) and weddings with no vaccination or mask mandates and it’s endlessly frustrating, but then I talk to my friends and realize I’m not alone, and that helps. It’s extremely reasonable to be over it emotionally while still physically being as safe as possible, and I’m sorry you’re not feeling that kind of support from the people in your life.

Q12:

I am a cisgender, white, femme lesbian. I am monogamous, able bodied, and neurotypical. I come from an upper-middle class, fairly liberal, Jewish, suburban family who is very accepting of my sexuality. I live in NYC, where I feel extremely comfortable being out as myself. I am in a long-term relationship with another cis white lesbian, and I hope to get married and have children and a white picket fence.

*I want to take a moment to share that I acknowledge my extreme privilege and am working to dismantle the implicit biases and systems I hold.*

I have always loved and embraced my queer identity – being part of a community that is strong and diverse and filled with beautiful intersections.

At the end of the day, I feel like I don’t fit in as a queer person. I do not have “radical” ideas, and despite being homosexual, I am very much The Majority. I don’t experience oppression because of my queerness (and I know I unconsciously conflate diversity with oppression and marginalization, which is problematic. I’m working on it.)

When I think about queer culture and queering culture, I think about people who are bending the “norm” of gender and sexuality, and more. I’m not that person. I’m not bending any norms by existing or living my best life. Yes, I’m a WLW, but that feels not enough to be considered queer. I don’t judge anyone who is more “radical” than me, but I ultimately have to be me, with all my non-divergence.

How do I belong in the queer community? How can I be queer when I don’t feel queer enough? How can I be me when I feel like queer culture and queering culture suggest that I am not queer?

A:

Darcy: It’s amazing how universal the feeling of being not queer enough is. I don’t know a single person who hasn’t struggled with that feeling at some point in their life — even people who don’t want kids or marriage, people whose gender presentations don’t conform to the norm, people with ‘radical’ politics. It can be really easy to get caught up in the trap of feeling as though there is one particular way to do queerness right. But the seed at the heart of queerness is this: to be unapologetically and wholly yourself, despite any forces that would have it otherwise (and no matter who you are, if you’re gay in 2022 in the United States, those forces do exist). Living your authentic life as a lesbian and/or queer woman is still a radical act, in our country and in our world.

I’m glad you’re working to acknowledge your privilege! But instead of fretting over a right way to be queer, I would encourage you to pour your energy into being your best self, pursuing your dreams, and taking concrete steps to help build a world where people with less privilege can pursue their dreams as well. There is no monolithic “queer community,” and there’s nothing you need to prove. You are enough.

Casey: Hear, hear, to “you are enough!” I wanted to add some thoughts that having been floating about in my mind recently since reading the book Ace by Angela Chen. I’m not sure what you are referring to when you write “radical politics” but Chen writes extensively about how sexual or gender identities and practices are wrongly thought of as hierarchically more or less progressive or radical. Having a lot or few sexual partners, being monogamous or poly, having vanilla or kinky sex, being bi or gay or ace, being femme or masc, none of these are inherently politically progressive or conservative. You’re not less queer for being the type of lesbian and person you are any more than you’re less feminist for it either.

As far as actual radical or progressive politics go – like working to make the world better for everyone, including queer, feminist, anti-racist, etc work – I would echo the advice of taking concrete steps to participate in that work. I’m sure in NYC there is a queer org or group you could support that would be a great fit for you. Can you offer your professional services for free? Can you volunteer your time, remembering to take direction from and do only as you’re told by those in charge, especially if it’s an org representing a group (ie, people of color) you don’t belong to? Where can you donate your money where it will really go a long way (ie, a grassroots org that may not give you a tax receipt!)? I have no doubt that this kind of work will be beneficial for feeling like you belong in queer community and that you are queer enough – even though those things are true regardless!

Nicole: So, everyone else said right off the bat some things that I was going to say which is that you in fact do belong in queer community if you want to be there! I also want to echo that while you may experience certain privileges at this time, especially due to your location in the country, that doesn’t mean they won’t be taken away when it’s politically convenient. All privilege is potentially temporary! To me, a lot of Queerness, like with a captial Q, is something rooted in radical politics, which Casey aptly defined as “working to make the world better for everyone” and “queer, feminist, anti-racist work” and a reason for this is that queer and trans people have had to engage deeply in both community care and resistance to survive in a world where our community’s rights are continuously at risk, or taken away entirely. Part of what we fight for as a group [or should be fighting for], is our (and everyone’s) right to exist authentically, and the rights of all people to exist safely, and so it follows that it would be silly to say that you cannot exist authentically as a cis lesbian in queer community. That doesn’t mean that every space is for you, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t room for you, especially in New York omg!

And in fact, the only thing I feel a need to encourage you to lean into changing is to move beyond just acknowledging your privilege and into action, into putting in the work. You’re comfortable with who you are, you have a loving partner and family and strong support system, you’re neurotypical and so most systems are built for your neuro-type and so are less exhausting, and it sounds like life is pretty stable – and that means that you are likely in a place where you can devote some serious time and effort and whatever skills you may have to a cause. You didn’t say that you already do this, and I don’t want to assume, but it sounds to me, if I’m trying to read between the lines, that you might be hesitant to get out there and participate because you feel that you don’t belong. But we covered that and you do! Making the world better is everybody’s job. (And, a white people note: as a white person I believe the initial stages of involvement in any kind of community care or movement group ought to look like a lot of listening, taking a back seat and putting in grunt work when you’re new to a space.)

What Casey was talking about, too, is really interesting, in terms of Angela Chen’s work and talking about how some identities, practices or aesthetics are inherently perceived as more radical or progressive, but how really none of that is inherently related. I have said for my whole life that I was very glad to be bisexual because having something to question early on allowed me to continue to question what was considered “the norm” – and so while there might be a correlation between certain identities and progressive politics there isn’t an actual causation. Like straight people are less likely to question the status quo just because of their sexuality, for example, or white people are less likely to question the status quo because of our race – but that doesn’t mean that it’s not possible for us to do that work. (And as Himani points out below, nothing inherently radical about the queer community, either.) The choice is all yours and there is really nothing stopping you from engaging in work to make the world a better place.

If you want to go to queer meet-ups and make queer friends or make queer art or join a queer-run mutual aid group or go to a queer outdoor dance party, I hope that you will. The thing about community is that, I feel like it comes up in conversations a lot as though it’s a room with a door that you either enter or don’t, that you’re either allowed in or not. But in practice, for me, it’s looked a lot more like a garden you plant and tend, and everyone’s garden looks kind of different. (Not saying there aren’t gatekeepers, but that’s a conversation for another day.) You have to put in the work, but slowly, it can grow and blossom. And life is too short too just stay in your comfort zone, okay?!

Himani: I’m going to say this with a lot of love, albeit tough love. When I first read your question my main thought was, “Only a white person could write something like this…” So, please allow me to point out two things. First, the notion that “the queer community” (which in most tellings is almost always predominantly white) is inherently radical is, I think, a pretty flawed sweeping statement. If anything, from my view, it often feels like a lot of “woke” politics as performed by white people. Which brings me to my second point, that in the way you’re question is framed, it feels like you’re more interested in “fitting in” with whatever your idea of “queer politics” is rather than actually engaging with the issues falling under that umbrella for the simple reason of there are people in the world who are being treated as less than for one reason or another (whether it’s because of their race or their gender or their ability status or their class or their immigration status or what have you), and that is, simply, wrong.

Having said that, there are two pieces of advice I want to offer you. First, I think pretty much every person of color and every immigrant has to grapple with some degree of (in my case) “I’ll never be ‘Indian enough’ or ‘American enough.'” Invariably, in order to make our peace with ourselves, we need to land in some place of accepting that we get to define any identity we hold or, in other words, any identity we hold is, by definition, expansive enough to hold us because we are a part of it. Which is to say, no you’re not “not queer enough.” By virtue of being queer, queerness is a wide enough a category to include you. And second, given the state of the world, given how sad and broken everything is right now, perhaps you should spend some time really delving deep into an issue you care about (related to queerness or not) and see what it is you can do to make some small difference in some person’s life to address it. Even the act of seeing and knowing another person’s experience is powerful in and of itself. You’re caught up in not fitting in with the alleged “radicalness” of the queer community, and it seems like you’ve lost sight of the ultimate goal, which is true equality and the end of oppression.

Q13:

Hi!

I have a chronic joint disease that affects my knees and need to find a foldable crutch that is not too terrible to look at, as I want to have a chance of remaining at least somewhat stylish.

Ideally, I would like to find a “Canadian” (?) style foldable crutch, as I am starting to have elbow pain too, and need the extra support/direction afforded by crutches that go up to the elbow. I’ve been looking, but what I see is very boring-looking.

Right now, I have a non-foldable metallic, deep blue crutch I really like, but which is not practical to carry around when I’m not using it (ie half to 70% of the time).

Thanks for your help!

A:

Dani Janae: For full transparency I don’t have crutches but I do have a similar joint issue and wanted to weigh in. I used to have to wear leg braces and I was able to get customized ones through my doctors office so I’d ask your doctor for recommendations! There’s a site called “ufeelgood” that has colorful ones and Amazon appears to have them as well in bolder colors. I agree most of them look very boring! Crutchstore also looks like they do customizing so I’d check them out! If worse comes to worse you may be able to decorate one on your own with some stuff from a craft store but I understand that’s not ideal. I hope you find something cute!

Q14:

95% of the time I feel absolutely sure of my gender as a cis woman but every once in awhile I feel some gender envy for non-binary people. Thinking that they/them are sexy pronouns is not the same as being non-binary… right? Any tips on exploring this?

A:

Ro: Friend, if you think they/them pronouns are sexy pronouns, then let yourself feel sexy and ask your pals to use they/them pronouns when they talk about you! Just go for it! Pronouns are just pronouns, and using certain pronouns doesn’t have to convey anything specific about your gender identity unless you want it to. Plus, using they/them pronouns doesn’t have to be permanent — you are allowed to experiment.

The same goes for your gender identity and expression. Anyone of any gender is allowed to try new things. You don’t have to get stuck on specific identity words. Just try stuff. Change up your style. Change up the adjectives you use for yourself. See how it feels. Like I said in my answer to a previous question: Chase whatever feels good to you in any given moment with the understanding that what feels good right now might change tomorrow or next year or in five minutes. You’re allowed to grow and change and play.

Darcy: Hi, I’m Darcy, and I don’t know what my pronouns are! And that’s just fine. I’m chiming in to second Ro, and to emphasize that language is a tool. We can use it to define ourselves, when that’s useful. But language serves us, not the other way around! If we reframe gender as a playful space, language is…just one tool in the sandbox.

They/them pronouns are sexy for sure! It’s sexy to me whenever someone knows themselves well, or alternately, whenever someone is really comfortable in a playful space. If you’re feeling envy for non-binary people, come on in! Dig around, make a sandcastle, get messy. There’s room for everyone who wants to play!

Valerie Anne: Sometimes I get hung up on this because I feel like I’m gender agnostic. Like I was raised Catholic so a lot of the teachings of Catholicism have had a hand in shaping who I am but also I don’t feel a connection to Catholicism anymore and I don’t do anything particularly or specifically Catholic? That’s sort of how I feel about being female. Like I was raised this way and that has undoubtedly shaped me and there were some good parts to it but also I no longer feel a particular connection to it. I like she/her pronouns but wouldn’t be offended by they/them pronouns. I feel a little weird when someone calls me a woman? But also if someone is like “hey ladies” that’s fine. So I wonder sometimes if I should go by she/they pronouns? But I don’t think I’m non-binary. Anyway my point is, I think it’s okay to not be sure. My thought spirals about this always end in, “why are you obsessing over this, just do whatever you want” because at the end of the day my friends aren’t my friends because of what my pronouns are, you know? When I was first coming out I was afraid to pick a label for my sexuality because I didn’t want to be “wrong” but I wish I could go back and tell that little weirdo that labels aren’t tattoos and you can change them any time you want. (And I have!) People aren’t static, so why would the language we use to describe ourselves be?

Himani: Your framing of “gender envy” is really fascinating to me, actually. To me, “envy” implies feeling jealous about something another person has, that you can’t have. So what is it about non-binary identity that you are envious of, and what is keeping you from incorporating those things into your own life? As everyone else has said, you’re allowed to explore and ask your friends and family to create space for that exploration in their interactions with you. There are definitely times I’ve felt agnostic about gender, as Valerie Anne says, and then there are definitely other times (mostly in my twenties) when I felt resentful about things I “had” to do as a woman. But after reflecting on it, I realized I actually don’t have to do anything, regardless of my identity. Don’t feel like shaving or tweezing? Cool, going to stop doing it. Don’t ever want to wear a saree again, even at a South Asian wedding? Done. So for yourself, I think you should reflect on what these things are that you associate as part of non-binary identity that you feel envious of, what’s preventing you from folding those into your own life? As others have already said, labels aren’t fixed and we’re allowed grow and change as we come into ourselves in different stages in our lives. I also think it’s important to keep in mind that there is no single definition of what it “means” to be a cis woman or non-binary or trans or any other identity. Everyone defines those things for themselves and there are shared experiences across all of them.

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