Welcome to the 61st edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s theme is: BREAKING UP Do you think you might need to break up, have you been broken up with and you want help coping or managing those feelings, are you getting divorced or thinking about filing — is someone else’s breakup splitting up your friend group and you need to know what to do, or maybe you have two close friends who are breaking up. Are you still dealing with the aftermath of a breakup that happened a while ago? Send us your q’s about anything and everything related to breakups because at the end of the day, we care about you and we’re here to help. Get those questions into the A+ Priority Contact Box by Tuesday July 5th so that we have plenty of time to answer them!! Thank you so much.

The general Into the A+ Advice Box, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

How do I stop comparing myself to my girlfriend’s nesting partner? It wasn’t a problem when we started dating, but I find myself wanting to escalate the relationship in ways that aren’t possible. Like, I can appreciate that my girlfriend is really sexually attracted to me and loves spending time with me… but I envy so many of the simple domestic things her spouse gets to share with her. I want to negotiate who does which chores and who’s cooking dinner and what show to put on while cuddling on the couch before bed. I still live with roommates, and coming “home” has started to hurt. Not because my roommate situation is a problem, but because I want to have a home with her. I’m dating, and I hope maybe one day I’ll have a nesting partner too… but that feels so far off. And I can’t stop wanting that nesting partner to be HER, even though that’s not possible. Please help this be less hard.

A:

Valerie Anne: I think this is something you have to discuss with her. Tell her exactly what you told us. Maybe you can ask if, together, you can find a few little ‘nesting’ things you could do with her; maybe you have regular cooking dates where you make dinner together, or couch dates where your only plans are to snuggle and watch TV. Maybe there are ways to bring in some of those aspects you’re longing to share with her that would satisfy your needs and escalate the relationship in ways that would make you both happy without having to be nesting partners. I think at the bare minimum having this conversation with her will help keep this from being a small-ish problem weighing on your heart into something more like resentment, so regardless of the outcome, and even though it might be a hard one, I do think this is a conversation that needs to happen. I hope you can find a solution that satisfies you both; or that you find a nesting partner of your very own soon, if that’s what you want most.

Nicole: I’m here to agree with Valerie! Talking to her is a great route. I know you have roommates, but maybe it’s possible for her to come visit you in your home sometimes, stay over and all that? If incorporating more domestic-style activities isn’t enough though, I’d suggest working through some of these feelings with a trusted friend, a journal, or a therapist because I’m worried about the jealousy here affecting you and your relationship in the long term. I want you to feel like you can be present and able to enjoy your life, both when this partner is present and not, and I hope that you’ll take care of yourself in ways that help foster that for you!

Q2:

With all the Pride events happening this month, I’m realizing I’m too old, bougie, and indoorsy to enjoy most events on offer. Everything is so loud! Dance parties are crowded and gross! I just want to sit down on a real chair!

I just want there to be social events where I don’t have to dance or hike. That’s not my brand of gay. I’m a luxury lesbian. I want there to be a social club that’s like a book club but for restaurants. Is that a thing? I guess I’m going to make it a thing. How do I go about starting this?

A:

Ro: There might be a newer, fancier platform for this sort of thing, but here’s my recommendation: go to Meetup.com and see if there’s already a similar group in your area. If not, use Meetup to start one! Advertise it on social media. Put up flyers at your local gay bar/ LGBTQ+ center/ library/ etc. And then see what happens! It might take a few events to get the ball rolling, but I’m sure there are other LGBTQ+ folks near you who are similarly burnt out on the party scene. As a quick reminder: when you’re picking restaurants, look for places that offer outdoor seating options so that disabled and/or immunocompromised and/or COVID cautious folks can feel comfortable participating, too! And maybe different group members can take turns picking restaurants so you can include places that suit a variety of dietary needs and budget needs? I don’t know — I’ve never organized a restaurant meetup group, but this sounds great and I hope you meet lots of new pals!

Darcy: Ro’s suggestions are great!! I wanted to add that if your town or city does have an LGBTQ+ center, you may want to reach out to them to see what their social groups or offerings look like. They may already have something going – when I first came out, our Center was having monthly potlucks – or they may be interested in a volunteer taking on a social group facilitator role! You can also reach out to the businesses you like to frequent, to see if they’d support you in organizing a Queer Night with publicity, drink specials, a portion of proceeds donated to a good cause, etc. Good luck!

Nicole: Also just here to suggest that if any exist in your area, it would be Very Cool to try to organize something that visited queer-owned/run restaurants, obvs you don’t have to be limited, but if you’re looking to make more connections and talk about food, seems like a good place to be.

Q3:

How do you enjoy, or at least not hate, your job when you don’t feel valued as an employee? I work for an arm of the government, and I’ve found my job really fulfilling in previous postings, but the one I have this summer has policies/lack of policies that demonstrate a lack of care for employees / a lack of valuing our time.

I like my coworkers and area a lot, and the posting is only a bit over 4 months (I am 3 weeks in), so I would prefer to just make the best of things.

A:

Heather: I love this question because I love that we — as queer people who have been told our whole lives to just settle for scraps, even (especially?) when we have “good” jobs — are finally starting to demand more than the bare minimum pay, respect, time off, benefits, etc. from our careers. Even if they’re careers we love! It’s amazing to watch this shift in real-time, to see people starting to question why they are spending their whole selves creating excess goods, services, and capital for a ruling class that continues to devalue their literal humanity. I know that’s not exactly what you’re saying here, of course, but I love that you’re asking about your value, both in terms of your output and in terms of your value as a human. Love it, love it, love it.

I think, because this is a four-month situation, you should ask yourself if there are things you can advocate for that will change the systems and processes that make you feel a lack of care. And then, if you do think they can change, is it worth that emotional / physical / mental / material investment to you? If so, I’d start with making a list of what would make you feel valued and then a second list of things you could advocate for that will help make those changes. If not, I would think about what makes you feel valued outside of the structures of your job, and try to focus on those things for this short amount of time, whether that’s the relationships you build, the positive impact of the work you do, and even just the paycheck. I have always had this really bad habit of letting things build up to an exploding point when I feel undervalued, because I hate conflict (and also I’m really tired!), so then I end up just taking it and taking it and taking it — and then finally blurting out my frustration in the exact wrong way at the exact wrong time, and often in a way that makes other people feel defensive and angry back at me. And then? Nobody gets what they want because everyone feels attacked, disrespected, and sad. So: Know yourself, know what you can and cannot live with, figure out what you can change and want to change, and take it step by step.

As for me, I value you enormously and I am so glad you’re here!

Valerie Anne: I agree with everything Heather said, and I really recommend leaning on the coworkers you like. Tell each other how much you value each other’s work, remind each other that you’re good at your jobs, compliment with abandon. It’s so hard when it’s clear a company as a whole doesn’t care about its people, but it’s made better when the people AT the company care about other people. Be your own support systems, and hell, involve them in trying to make the kinds of changes Heather suggested! And since it’s only a (relatively) short time, feel free to add a countdown widget to your phone or celebrate small milestones (one month down, three to go!) etc, in small ways; looking forward to something, even if it’s something small or made-up, can really help the time pass.

Himani: Heather and Valerie Anne have given great advice on how you can try to find support within a shitty situation. But sometimes, that’s just not possible given a lot of circumstances. Four months is also a short enough time frame that it can be really hard to get to know other coworkers well enough to be able to have the kinds of conversations that Heather and Valerie Anne are suggesting (though not impossible, so I’m not trying to dismiss their suggestions, I just want to acknowledge that, for a variety of reasons, there are limitations there). In this type of situation, I personally find that what works best for me is to remind myself the things that this job allows me to have, whether it’s financial security, time outside of work to spend with people I like or doing things that feel important to me, a little extra money to save or splurge on something for myself or anything else. What’s most important to me is to not let a job where I don’t feel valued consume my time, so that I can spend that time fostering relationships and doing work where I am valued. It’s not easy, and when I was in shitty jobs where I felt deeply undervalued, it was a constant battle between feeling completely worthless or like I was wasting my life away and trying to encourage myself with the kinds of reminders I suggested. Hopefully, the knowledge that it is a time-limited four-month commitment also helps. Four months will be over before you know it (and seriously, don’t let this job interfere with your hot, gay summer plans, if you have any).

Q4:

OK, Autostraddle, I have a question for you guys: If there is a discrepancy in how close two members of a friendship feel, but are still basically really close, do you think it is better to acknowledge that discrepancy or turn the other cheek?

I have one friend who I think would define as my best friend. But she’s best friends with another person and sometimes I feel a bit snubbed by her/jealous that she isn’t quite as ardently in friend-love with me as I am with her, though of course I manage this on my own. All of this is very obvious + we’re pretty intuitive about each other. But, sometimes I get the sense that she’s kind of manipulating me out of a kind impulse to protect my feelings if that makes sense??

Is it better to clear the air, or kinder to let it just…be? (I’m a “clear-the-air” type, for transparency). Mostly interested in this on a philosophical level.

A:

Heather: I’m going to tell you something I think you’re not going to want to hear, and I hate doing that, but I think it’s a good thing to think on. I firmly believe there is no way to be happy in a friendship if you are constantly comparing the way you experience your friend to the way other people experience your friend. Or worrying whether or not they like you as much as you like them. Instead of seeing a photo of your friend on IG and going, “Oh that’s so cute! She looks like she’s having so much fun!” You might instead end up going, “Wait, who was she with? Why did she invite them and not me? She had a headache when I wanted to hang out but the next day she was fine going to a concert?” That kind of over-analyzing and comparison is going to make you miserable. AND, if you decide to express that to your friend, there’s a chance it might drive her away.

We are so lucky, as adults, if we have people in our lives whom we both enjoy hanging out with and whom we’re able to exchange emotional support with. I don’t think it’s fair to expect our friends to focus on splitting their time, energy, emotional resources, etc. equitably between the people in their lives so we don’t feel slighted. I would say, instead of “clearing the air” with your friend, maybe a good idea, first, would be to do some self-reflection on why you’re feeling slighted and jealous, and then ask yourself if that’s a thing you need to work on inside your own brain and heart. (Do you feel insecure that they’ll abandon you if they don’t spend more time with you than anyone else? Do you feel like you personally aren’t good enough if you’re not their BEST friend? Is there a pattern in your life of you feeling things more intensely for your friends than they feel for you? Is what you feel for them more than friendship? Are you dealing with insecure or anxious attachment because of childhood circumstances?) You can, of course, ask your friend to behave differently so you don’t feel slighted or jealous — but is that really a fair request? Would making it damage your friendship? What would be your ideal outcome, and is that outcome reasonable and possible? I think you’ve gotta know why you want what you want before anything else. So many questions! Being a human is tough stuff! I wish you all the luck in the world as you navigate this tricky situation. It’s wonderful to have people in your life that you care about so much, even if it can also be scary.

Himani: Heather gave really solid advice on this question, and I just want to reinforce it a little further. I have sometimes felt that I love some of my friends far more dearly than they love me. But the thing is, I can’t be inside their brains the way I’m inside my brain, so I truly do not and will never know if we feel exactly the same level of love for each other. And frankly, it doesn’t matter. If I feel loved, and I feel respected and valued and cared for — it might not be “enough” in the sense of everything I’m looking for but it is enough for that friendship. The “enough” in the sense of everything I’m looking for is my problem, as Heather also said, and it would be incredibly hurtful to imply otherwise to a friend from a place of jealousy rather than if it’s grounded in actual concrete things you can ask (ie, if the person keeps ignoring you or speaks to you curtly or the relationship is otherwise very one-sided).

The reality is, there are at least a few people in my life, who I love very, very dearly in a way that they probably do not love me. There are two ways to look at that, and I’ll be honest, I struggle with this a lot myself, at times. On the one hand, it’s really sad, because it means there are parts of my wants and desires that constantly go unfulfilled and that I’m constantly reminded of when I spend time with certain people I love dearly. On the other, how beautiful and fortunate that I’ve been able to meet and build deep relationships with such wonderful people in my life. That through the many years of trials and tribulations, of moving away and getting busy with new jobs and family and the stresses of taking care of aging parents, we are still able to carve out a little space in each other’s hearts and lives. Does it matter if those spaces are exactly the same size?

Q5:

Does anyone have any sandal brand recommendations?? All I want is some supportive sandals with heel straps (I walk a lot) that don’t look like I’m going on a hike or I raided my New Age aunt’s closet. Less femme would be awesome too. Thanks!

A:

Himani: I wear really old chaco’s around my house to alleviate some of my feet issues and they help a lot; I think they’re quite similar to this sandal. My sister swears by Teva’s but I personally have not tried them.

Q6:

This is a problem I’ve had for most of my life: I think other people find me “A Lot,” frequently. I am good at forging meaningful individual friendships with people, but really struggle in groups. I don’t know why. I can’t “go with the flow,” and I struggle to pick up on social cues. I’ve often wondered if I have aspergers (I am highly literal, have really specific interests that I’m very passionate about, and struggle to adjust my intensity as the situation demands. ex., I am the person having a really intense conversation in the corner of a party, before I get overwhelmed and leave the party.)

I live on a small liberal arts campus and don’t drive. What this basically means is that I have a lot of friends who I enjoy meaningful one-on-one friendships with, but who are kind of “embarrassed” of me, or get stressed when I try to join their table in the dining hall (we only have one, lol). I’m pretty perceptive, so I understand they’re stressed about my presence, but it really hurts to understand that some of the people I care about most get stressed about my presence in group contexts.

And, I really believe my friends care about me! Ex., one sent me a card to congratulate me when I got a really exciting job offer. We can have wonderful, vulnerable, and wide-ranging conversations one on one. I just seem to gum up group dynamics, so I get left out a lot. And it’s too stressful trying to adjust myself to “fit in.” I’m not malicious, I’m just…kind of odd. And depressed. (I’m in therapy and have been for years.)

I just wanna be included, enthusiastically instead of begrudgingly or carefully. And I’m stuck here. lol.

A:

Heather: My wife could have written this exact same question. I had a mental time-traveling experience as I was reading it. My wife, too, often wonders if she has Aspergers. She has a lot of really amazing neurodivergent traits. A couple of things you said describe her perfectly. She’s very intense and absolutely does not naturally dial that down, no matter if she’s talking to me or the mailperson. She has special interests that she explores in depth and at length, and could literally talk about them every hour of every day, to anyone who will listen. If you give her an in to talk about space, the ocean, prestige films, the Miami Dolphins, or the TV shows Skins, Buffy, Mad Men, or Killing Eve, she can set off on a conversation that could last for hours without any input from anyone else. And she loves one-on-one communication but absolutely loathes small talk. You could pay her a million dollars to go to a party and insert herself into a conversation with a small group of people, and she’d rather leave that money on the table than even try it. She cannot do it. She absolutely cannot just walk up to a group of people and figure out how to talk to them.

She and I have developed some really great strategies to help her feel more comfortable in group settings, and as I was reading your question, I was wondering if maybe you could trust one or two people you’re really close to with your feelings about this and ask if they’d maybe try some of these things with you. The first one is, we make time in our lives to talk about her special interests, and especially before we hang out with a lot of people. If we’re with a group, and she starts monologuing and I can sense other people getting restless or bored, we have a safe word, which is “gummy bears” that I work into the conversation and it’s a light bulb for her to slow down a little and open up the conversation to other people and topics. If she’s getting extra intense, by which I mean getting loud or super animated (she talks very rigorously with her whole body) in a way that’s making other people start to feel uncomfortable, I just put my hand on her knee and give it a squeeze, and she brings it back in a little bit. She’s also worked really hard to find communities where she can be as intense and talk as much as she wants about these special interests, or things that make her feel extreme emotions. That way she doesn’t feel like every conversation she has needs to touch on those topics. I also know some people who have a little hand sign they do for their neurodivergent friends if something is sarcastic or really abstract and they’re having a hard time picking it up.

I think, most importantly for my wife, she knows that I love her wholly and fully and that these ways she struggles in groups do not have any impact on my affection or adoration for her. The best people in the entire world are “odd,” are “weirdos” and you’ll never convince me otherwise. That knowledge takes some of the pressure off of her. Neurotypical conversation isn’t the “right” way to communicate; it’s just more common. Maybe if you open up to a few people and explain the real nuance of your feelings and actions, you can establish some of these kinds of things in groups, which might set both you and your friends at ease? The discomfort you’re feeling, it honestly may be that they want YOU to feel good and comfortable in the group, the same way you do when you’re one-on-one, and they’re not exactly sure how to help you do that. My wife used to say that her brain was broken, but now she sees that her brain is just like a whole bunch of other brains, just not the brains of the people who made the rules about what’s socially “normal.” She can talk about Dan Marino for ten days straight and it’s not going to change anything about the way I love her. I bet some of your friends feel the same about you!

Himani: Once again, and as always, Heather has given really solid advice. Honestly, as I was reading your question I was like “oh shit, I am totally this person…” I am notorious for going on long-ass rants about things I’m passionate about, and I really struggle to connect with people in group settings. I’m sorry that your friends are treating you this way in your college. I know this doesn’t change your situation, but please keep in perspective that these years at university are a short period in your life, and that, quite frankly, everyone is still developing. (A therapist I once had a trial session with, who specialized in working with youth and young adults, told me that human brains continue to develop until the age of about 24 or so. Incidentally, this was the same therapist who asked me about my attractions and love interests towards women, specifically, and boy was she spot on because it took me another 6 or so years to actually admit it because I ran away and did not continue having sessions with her. In any case, I digress…)

Back to the point, these years in school are just a small part of your life, and I know it’s hard to accept that maybe people think you’re “weird” or “too much” right now but that someday you will have a vast and wide community of people who will love exactly those things about you. I don’t mean to be like, “listen to me because I’m older and more experienced” or anything like that, but I promise you, if someone like me — who truly struggled to make friends in college and hid parts of my passions and identities just to fit in and not be outcast even further — can be in a place now where I am openly and freely who I am and have so many people who love that about me, then I know it will happen for you. It will take time, and it will be painful, and it won’t be a straight path, but it will happen.

Q7:

How often do adults go out and socialize?? Extremely broad, I know, but it’s so hard for me to stay home and relax without feeling like I’m “wasting” time or opportunities or letting life “pass” by… I had a very traumatic childhood/adolescence and home was an unsafe space physically. This isn’t the case at all anymore, and yet I sometimes wonder if I guilt or pressure myself into “getting out” because it’s so ingrained in me that it’s not okay to just… be home, without, saying being home and doing a task (cleaning, working, etc). I’m not even an extrovert! Anyone relate to this at all??

A:

Casey: The short and obvious answer to your question is, it depends! Different people at different times of their lives socialize different amounts. To take myself as an example, pre-Covid living in a big city in my 20s I went out in some form or another in the evenings or weekends probably 4 or 5 times a week. Now I live in a small city with a baby during Covid and I barely do any socializing with adults who aren’t my partner – maybe 3 times a month? I’m sure you’d get a wide variety of answers from everyone. Have you asked your friends? I bet you think some of them are socializing more than they actually are.

I have definitely felt that pressure or guilt that you’re naming to go out and make the most of your life, whatever that means. You are not alone in that. And to a certain extent, for me anyway, sometimes I did need to give myself a little push to go out to something I knew I would enjoy because I was comfy at home and feeling lazy. But if you are not enjoying yourself when you’re out and feel like you’ve made yourself go because you’re not “supposed” to enjoy relaxing at home, fuck that! It’s your life and you decide how to spend it and how to enjoy it. Especially given your history of trauma and not having a safe home space, I can absolutely see the value in you soaking up that time at home.

Maybe if you’re intentional about scheduling in socializing that nourishes you and that you enjoy – however little or much feels good for you – that will help you feel good about being at home with intention as well. Like, if you’ve got a friend coming over for dinner on the weekend, you can plan intentionally to enjoy your weeknights at home knowing that you’ve got some social time coming up.

Meg: I relate so hard to this question! I’m very introverted but was raised in an environment that really prioritized both activities and service, so was constantly pushed to book myself as fully as possible at all times. It’s taken a long time for me to feel okay just staying in with my thoughts and feelings and quiet activities, and I admit that as terrible as the pandemic has been, it’s made it a lot easier for me to feel okay saying “no” to social activities that I simply don’t have the energy for or the interest in.

I really love Casey’s advice to be intentional about scheduling a few things in a way that is nourishing and exciting — making the effort to plan something that you know you’ll enjoy, rather than just forcing yourself to do whatever is happening that day simply because you feel like you “should,” might help you balance any internal pressure. I would also encourage you to acknowledge feelings of guilt when they do bubble up, and perhaps even gently interrogate where they’re coming from when you experience them: what is driving that feeling? Is there something happening with friends that you turned down? Do you actually want to be somewhere else, or doing something else, or are you feeling content with your choice?

I love being alone, or sitting quietly with someone I love doing our own separate activities, and I think it’s wildly underrated. If staying home in your safe space gives you pleasure, try to let yourself enjoy that as best you can!

Himani: I love everything Casey and Meg have shared, and I too can relate! One thing I want to add to what Casey and Meg have said is that nothing is permanent and you can always make a different decision any day. I often struggle with “do I stay home or do I go to this thing” and I feel like I’m constantly ping ponging between a self-induced social isolation and overwhelming myself with too many commitments. And… I think that’s ok (although stressful at times). I find it helpful to adjust my level of activity based on how I’m feeling. Sometimes the guilt is necessary to give myself a jumpstart, quite frankly. But it’s important to not be too hard on yourself too, because the fact of the matter is that for every event you missed out there will be that many more in the future that you could go to and have a great time at. You don’t have to go to everything and, in many ways, spending time at home, doing things with yourself in the quiet ways you want, is it’s own kind of “event.”

Nicole: First of all, it’s totally okay to just be by yourself and enjoy your own company. I love my own company and I encourage you to know that no, introverted people are not all forcing themselves to go out all the time. As for how often I go out, it really changes for me depending on what else is going on! I mostly only socialize as 1) a break from doing things at home when I get too tired (work, writing, gardening, chores), 2) because someone I know (or don’t) is doing some kind of art I want to see and support, 3) to see how people I care about are doing and to spend time with them, or 4) because my partner needs to get out and I’m tagging along. I have reasons for going out and socializing, but none of them are, like, because socializing is some kind of definitive good in and of itself. I think the quality really varies, honestly. If you have a reason you want to go out, people you want to see or something you want to do…great! If you don’t, and you don’t particularly want to go anywhere on a particular day or at a particular time, that is totally okay and fine and I hope you enjoy the heck out of it!

Q8:

All right, who’s got favorite pelvic floor exercise videos or channels? I’ve got muscle/probably some nerve damage from a too-hard dildo (RIP) and I know y’all probably have some recommendations.

A:

Ro: I’m so sorry about your evil dildo encounter! Before you start attempting any pelvic floor exercises, talk to your doctor (or ideally, a pelvic floor physical therapist) — they can tell you what kinds of exercises or massage techniques would be safe for you, and if you think you might be injured, it’s a good idea to get those muscles checked out before you put them to use (I mean, you’d probably talk to a doctor about bicep pain before starting a weightlifting routine, right?). They might also have recommendations for dealing with vaginal or anal pain if that’s something you’re experiencing (I’m a big fan of Foria’s CBD suppositories). I know it can feel awkward to talk to a doctor about pelvic floor health, so if you don’t feel comfortable with your current practitioner, find someone else. Your LGBTQ+ pals might be able to recommend a local, queer-friendly doc. Good luck and get well soon!

Himani: Just seconding Ro’s recommendation re: doctor. As someone who has dealt with A LOT of nerve issues in my life, you definitely want to get that checked out sooner rather than later. The other thing with nerve damage is that sometimes you just need to rest to give things time to heal. Heat can also be helpful (though I know that’s complicated, but maybe try placing a heat pad or hot water bottle over your pelvic area). But definitely go see the doctor.

Q9:

How do I have the “big” “serious” life conversations with my partner? We’re thinking about marriage and I know we’re supposed to be discussing stuff like parenting, finances, feelings about divorce, aging parents, etc etc. But we’re both awkward people and these kinds of intense topics/future planning don’t come up naturally in the course of normal conversation. Do people schedule time for these talks? How do you set it up? Is there some sort of guide people use? We’re so serious about each other and want to take it to the next level but I worry that the fact that this stuff isn’t coming up naturally means we’re bad communicators.

A:

Sa’iyda: The “big serious” conversations are tough. And a lot of the time, they don’t occur naturally on say, a Tuesday evening. I don’t think it means you’re bad communicators — it means that you’re human and hard conversations are hard. But if you are really serious about your relationship, and you both want to talk about these things, then scheduling the time to do it may not be a bad idea. Make a nice dinner, create a relaxing space and get down to brass tacks. Anticipate that there may be tears, or you may not have any sort of resolution after the initial conversation. But! It will open the door for further conversations, which may come a lot more easily once you’ve opened that line of communication.

Darcy: I love Sa’iyda’s suggestions! This might sound odd to you at first, but I think that a serious relationship is essentially a group project. Since you’ve been discussing commitment, it sounds like you’re both ready to start conceptualizing this project! Taking notes, brainstorming important topics together, taking time in between talks to reflect and journal, and using other organizational and brainstorming tools that have served you well in your professional or personal life can really come in handy here. One exercise that is immediately coming to mind for me is an exercise from the Passion Planner called the Passion Roadmap, which involves conceptualizing and setting your goals. It’s meant for individuals, but I think it would be an amazing exercise to do both separately and together, to start to see what you want your life together to look like!

Meg:: Sa’iyda and Darcy have already given you such great suggestions, and I just want to emphasize a point that has helped me a lot in big relationship planning moments — often times these conversations are moments of discovery or opportunities for learning, and don’t always reach a quick and natural conclusion. Sometimes they do, and that’s really fun and satisfying — but other times that initial conversation is the first of many. Opening the door to a new path forward, a new possibility in your relationship, can feel really scary, but if you think of it as something that you’re exploring together, rather than a pressure-filled need to make a decision very quickly, that can help the experience feel less stressful. And the fact that you both already know that you’re committed to a future together means that you can tackle it as a team.

Himani: Everyone’s given great advice. I just want to add one suggestion, though it may be financially infeasible for you. Several friends I know have mentioned going to some kind of marriage/couple’s counseling as they were getting more serious in their relationship and considering marriage, to help facilitate exactly the kinds of conversations you’re describing. If it’s something you can afford (and queer-friendly options are available in your area, etc. etc.), it may also be worth considering.

Nicole: Here to affirm that yes, people definitely make intentional time for these talks and that it’s okay to do so! Make a list of topics! Write your thoughts out or make notes ahead of time (and see if your partner would feel better doing the same). I agree with Sai, Darcy and Meg, in that you’re working together with your partner toward a common goal, which is creating your ideal roadmap together and talking about how you’re going to work together as a team to reach your goals. I can also confirm that couples therapy can be really helpful, especially if you’re both working through any past trauma. Wishing you tons of good luck!

Q10:

Hello! I am 95% sure my mom is bisexual. She has dropped many hints to me over the years, including alluding to a crush on Melissa Etheridge and admitting to me that she and her BFF drunkenly kissed one time. How do I lovingly coax her out of the closet? Specifically, what queer media (books, movies, TV) can I recommend to subtly help her along her journey to self-acceptance and (ideally) a romance with her BFF?

A:

Casey: I love this question and am eagerly awaiting the next update when we hopefully get to hear about your mom dating her BFF!! Here are a few book recommendations:

Nonfiction:

Bi:The Hidden Culture, History, and Science of Bisexuality by Julia Shaw: This is a brand new up to date pop psychology book, with a UK focus as the author is British. Great for someone coming out as bi to find their place in community past and present!

The Fixed Stars by Molly Wizenberg: This memoir is about a woman who unexpectedly experiences queer desire in her mid thirties after a decade of marriage to a man and a lifetime of believing she was straight. There’s a lot in here about the knowability of the self and balancing motherhood with following your own path. Also a good choice if your mom might be worried she “doesn’t know how” to be queer and doesn’t know where she fits in the queer community – Wizenberg discusses her experiences with that.

Dear John I Love Jane edited by Candace Walsh and Laura Andre: This anthology is filled with different kinds of coming out stories, including women who come out late in life, women who experience changes in their desires, women who have kids, and women who identify as bi, lesbian, queer, or who don’t use labels at all.

Sexual Fluidity by Lisa Diamond: A fascinating longterm study about cis women’s sexuality and desire that highlights the capacity for relationships with different genders and changes in who they’re attracted to. Basically it’s an argument that lifetime bisexuality for women is common!

Fiction:

Shadow Life by Hiromi Goto and Ann Xu: If your mom needs a fictional example of how it’s never too late to come out as bi to your kids, this graphic novel about Kumiko, a bisexual Japanese Canadian woman in her 70s is just the ticket. It’s also all round delightful.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid: This epic historical novel tells the life story of an old Hollywood bisexual movie star, her many marriages to men, and the one woman who was the love of her life. An emotional story that could surely inspire someone to bisexual bliss!

Darcy: This is so fun!!! I think you should show your mom a piece of queer media that resonates a lot for you, and afterwards, chat about how it resonates, and then say “so! Tell me more about this crush on Melissa Etheridge.” Since your mom’s been hinting at this for a long time, I don’t think you need to be coy about it, unless you sense she’s feeling particularly shy! At this moment, the two pieces of media that are popping into my mind as things I might watch with my mom are the Steven Universe episode where Ruby and Garnet fall in love, called The Answer (episode 222) and the Hannah Gadsby special Nanette.

Himani: I don’t think there’s harm in pointing her towards queer media, and Casey and Darcy have made some great suggestions, but I also think it’s worthwhile (if you haven’t already) for you to pause and think about why you want to coax your mother out of the closet? I’m sure you have your mother’s best interest at heart, and you want her to live a loving and fulfilled life and potentially deepen her relationship with her BFF. But the thing is, as you yourself said, this is her journey and not yours. Yes, being in the closet has its own serious limitations, but there’s also safety and comfort to be found there, and it is not your place (or anyone’s for that matter) to coax her out before she’s ready. Because the truth is, there is almost certainly going to be some amount of trauma that she is going to have to process if she acknowledges — whether for herself, or others, or both — her bisexuality, and it is her decision when, how and most importantly IF she ever does. (And this is even setting aside the question of the sexuality of her BFF and where the BFF is in her own journey.)

That said, I don’t think it hurts to introduce her to queer media that she might see herself in. For me, some of the content that we would probably talk about as “queer baiting” actually really resonated with me when I was still in the part of my journey where I was resolutely convincing myself that I was straight. Media that was more subtle in its representation, with deep relationships between women that could potentially be something more, was really helpful. It took some time, but eventually I made the connection between how I could relate to characters that somehow ended up in unstated lifelong relationships with other women and my own feelings towards some of my own friends, and what all of that implied about my sexuality. This is a very culturally specific reference, but for me in particular, the Indie/Bollywood movie Dedh Ishqiya was arguably the first movie I ever really saw myself in. And another culturally specific reference, I recently rewatched the anime Read or Die (which is actually kind of impossible to find legally…) and realized that it, too, was another piece of media that really resonated deeply and likely constitutes “queer baiting.” My interests are pretty niche (clearly), but maybe look for content in genres that your mother likes that don’t state an explicit relationship between women (ie kissing, marriage, etc.) but involves a deep emotional connection and ends with the two women being together in that “happily ever after” sort of way.

Q11:

I need style help so so so much! My partner and I are getting married (!!!!) at the end of July, and I’m wearing a great ivory-colored jumpsuit. I need stylish but sensible footwear to go with this and I’m at a loss… What do I wear with this???

A:

Sa’iyda: First of all, CONGRATS!! Getting married is so exciting. I’m not getting married just yet, but I’m engaged, and I have already begun the search for cute and comfortable footwear for the wedding! With an ivory jumpsuit, the sky’s the limit in terms of shoes. If you want color, just about anything goes with ivory. Since it’s the end of July, a bold, bright color like yellow or blue or even an emerald green (or even a jewel toned pink or purple) would be gorgeous. If you want more of a neutral, you can punch it up with some sparkle or lace embellishment.

I have been looking at wedding sneakers since I really want to be comfortable while we’re having a good time! Keds sneakers make a whole bunch of wedding sneakers, including a collaboration with Kate Spade! Would love to know what you decide!

Meg: LOVE wedding sneakers! Since Sa’iyda talked color I’ll chat about style: I tend to wear stilettos or chunky/stacked heels with jumpsuits if I’m going for a more femme look, and I find wedges to be comfortable but dressy, if you want a bit of a lift but don’t want to deal with regular heels. But brogues or loafers can also work, depending on the style of your jumpsuit (I find these work better with a slimmer cut leg, but that might simply be my style preference). And definitely look at ankle boots — they come in so many styles!

Nicole: Lol okay so when I got married in a white jumpsuit (RIP) I wore multi-colored sparkling shoes for the ceremony and my oft-worn gold ankle boots for dancing. I think that depending on your metallic preference, going with a metallic in any shoe style could add a pop that blends well with other accessories (like a ring???). Congrats!!!!!!

Q12

I’m relatively new to kink dynamics and I’ve found that I really enjoy domming, both sexually and energetically in my partnerships. It opens up a lot for me in the ways of healing as a recovering docile femme. Do any of y’all identify as kinky dom/mes? How can I step into my domme femme energy and grow more comfortable taking charge? xo

A:

Ro: I love that you’ve found a kink dynamic that feels fun for you, and I hope you’re enjoying your exploration! I consider myself a top/dom (but in the context of committed relationships, I’m comfortable as a switch). I’m not a femme person, so I can’t speak specifically to femme domme energy. However, I can offer a couple of tips that might help you gain confidence in a kink context:

1. If you haven’t already, talk to your partner(s) outside of a sexual/kink context about what they’re into. What kind of porn do they watch? Are there specific words, phrases and scenarios that turn them on? Is there something on their kinky bucket list they’ve been wanting to try? Fulfilling someone else’s kink fantasy (if it’s something you’re comfortable with and curious about) is so fulfilling and fun, and it’s a great way to try new things and learn more about your own sexuality.

2. Blindfold your sub (if that’s something they’re comfortable with)! If you remove one or more of your partner’s senses, taking charge might feel a little less nerve wracking. When you blindfold a sighted partner, they can’t see you fumble with your flogger or furrow your brow while you try to figure out what to say next, etc.

Meg: As usual Ro has incredible advice! Since I also consider myself a top / domme and am relatively femme, I wanted to also offer one suggestion that’s helped me a lot: music. There are some really hot songs out there that are great for getting into the mood, and I’ve found that the process of reading lyrics, thinking about the way I want to feel when I’m taking control (and the way that I want my partner to feel when she’s submitting), and finding songs that capture that sensation is really empowering — and then getting to actually fuck to those songs? Incredible. (Some of my favorites are Morganne’s Good Girl, Behave by Cathedrals, Halsey’s Heaven in Hiding, and Xana’s Complex, but I highly recommend gathering your own songs and putting them into a playlist or folder.)

Talking to your partner is so important, and in addition to the great questions and topics that Ro offered, it can be really useful to explore together what helps each of you feel like you’re slipping into your roles. What makes you feel confident? Is it a pose, a voice, a piece of clothing, a prop? What helps you find your inner domme? Sometimes something as simple as a specific title that you only use in bed or while flirting (Sir, Mommy, My Diamond, etc) can really help you get into the role, and may also have the same effect on your partner.

Blindfolds really are the gift that keeps on giving. Even if you don’t feel totally confident in what you’re doing, they completely shift the mood, especially if you tell your partner where to put their hands, how to sit or stand, when they can speak, etc. And don’t underestimate the power of making them wait. Building up anticipation, whether you’re intentionally pausing or are just standing there trying to figure out what to do next, can feel really hot for your blindfolded, eager sub.

It may take some time to build up self-assurance, but you’ve got this! Pay attention to what turns both of you on, what helps you feel your most confident, and keep building on those experiences.

Q13:

Hello beautiful Autostraddle team, I’m in need of some very practical advice. My dear friend is marrying her long time girlfriend in London this year. I’m helping plan her bachelorette party. She loves community nights – sharing stories and cooking together – but also loves going out and dancing and had a lap dance once and loved it. SO, we’re thinking to have a night in which we share stories and play games and cook together, and then have a stripper come at the end. One broad question and one narrow one:

(1) have any of you been to or organized a bachelorette party for a queer woman / non-binary person that went really well? Any ideas or advice on how to make it cosy and communal but also fun?

(2) do you happen to know of any queer identified burlesque dancers or strippers or sex workers in London who do this sort of work, or if not, where we can go about finding one?

Thank you so much for your thoughts / advice 💛

A:

Nicole: So, I’m hoping some members can chime in with some regionally specific suggestions for you, but I’d start by looking for queer burlesque companies, and then doing some legwork and then finding the performers on social media / finding their websites and seeing if anyone is available for booking — and then you start reaching out, asking folks what their rates are, and, you book someone!

In terms of event planning, I wonder if it would be a good idea to connect with some of the other guests and ask them both for their ideas around what your friend might enjoy and for their suggestions for the party. That way, everyone has buy-in from the get in terms of the party, so that it’s communal, and I bet also, some of the other guests will have really great idea about what your friend might enjoy! Good luck and hoping you all will chime in in the comments!

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