Welcome to the 61st edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.
Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s theme is: WELLBEING Please send us your questions on achieving balance, dealing with continued stress, coping strategies for tough times. We aren’t doctors or physical therapists, so we can’t give you medical advice, so let’s steer away from that (we’ll mostly tell you to see a doctor), but we’d be happy to share our favorite stretches for taking computer breaks, or our strategies for getting the most out of therapy — or ways we cope when therapy isn’t an option — as another example. Get those questions into the A+ Priority Contact Box by Monday June 6th so that we have plenty of time to answer them!! Thank you so much.
The general Into the A+ Advice Box, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.
So, now, let’s dig in!!
Q1:
Any tips/tricks/favorite styles for wearing your hair up in a bandana, and or just wearing it on your head if you’ve got short hair? I feel like sometimes the bandanas I pick out are too small for my head (??) How do you find the right size?
A:
shea: As a person with a larger-than-life head and super short hair, I’d just like to start by saying that most bandanas seem to be designed for very tiny heads! That being said, I do looooove to rock a bandana (especially in the summer). Most of the time, I do a thin band and tie in the back. There’s not a ton of leftover fabric to tie it with when I do but I make it work. I’ve never had any desire to do more of a napkin fold or thicker band. I find that the thin band is the best for shorter hair. As you continue to find your style, I suggest two things: One – try to do a loose tie around your neck and then slip it up to your head. It may make the process a bit less stressful when trying to tie the knot with less fabric. Two – I found this company called The Big Bandana that does make larger bandanas. I’ve never tried them, but their website says they are 2x bigger which would give you more fabric to play with! Good luck with your wildest bandana dreams!
Q2:
How do I stop feeling like a freak because i seem to be the only queer who doesn’t like rough sex? I’m a Highly Sensitive Person and need truly light and gentle touches for my vulva or nipples to respond. I can take more pressure when I’m fully turned on, but even, most sex toys are uncomfortable or painful because they are simply too vigorous!
A:
Vanessa: So, I can’t tell you how to stop *feeling* like a freak because your feelings are your own, BUT I can *promise* you that you are NOT a freak for not liking rough sex, and just to drive this point home (though you didn’t say anyone has done this, I want to make it very very clear): anyone who tries to MAKE you feel that way is a jerk who does not deserve to have sex with you!
Everyone likes what they like, and it’s really fucking cool that you know you’re a Highly Sensitive Person who needs light and gentle touches for your body to respond. Like seriously, it takes so many of us SO LONG to figure out what we like, and you already know! That’s rad. And if you’re willing to communicate that to a partner? THE PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU ARE SO LUCKY!
In general, I’m a big fan of positive self talk, so in terms of battling the whole “I feel like a freak” thing I’d just wake up every day, look yourself in the mirror, and be like, “Self, you’re hot, you’re fun, you’re sensitive, and you’re gonna have great sex with a lucky babe who respects your desires and the way your body responds when the time is right! Fuck yeah!” And then I’d probably masturbate, touching myself exactly the way I like to be touched, just for good measure.
Ro: I agree with everything Vanessa said above! AND as a former sex toy store employee, I have to add that if the sex toys you’ve feel “too vigorous” for you, there are more gentle clitoral toys out there (if you’re even interested in using toys). I’ve known a lot of folks with hyper-sensitive clits who can’t stand vibrators and absolutely love suction or “air pressure” toys like the poorly-named Womanizer, the Satisfyer Pro 2, the Aer or the Puff. You can also try using a vibrator over your underwear or even over your pants to dull the sensation. You definitely don’t have to use toys solo or with a partner — I just want you to know that you have options!
Q3:
I have a sincere question for anyone here with a vulva when it comes to receiving oral sex. Does anyone else only really feel much when it involves the clitoris? Theoretically, I totally get (and of course respect) when folks talk about sensations they feel in other parts of the vulva (like teasing the labia or licking/kissing/other spots, etc) but in practice, for me, it just feels like waiting for direct contact/stimulation to my clitoris. I know there’s no right or wrong way to experience sex or pleasure, but I guess I’m just curious to see if I’m not alone here or if anyone knows why this can vary so much from person to person?
A:
Vanessa: I’ve no idea why it varies so much from person to person (bodies! So weird and wild!) but I am here to affirm that it sure does! To be honest, oral sex does very little for me, EVEN WHEN it involves the clitoris. Sometimes I’m really into it but often I’m just like… this is fine, please put your fist inside me now. C’est la vie, ya know?
Ro: Some folks appreciate licking/sucking/kissing on their labia because they like the tease, while others absolutely get off on the sensation. People experience sexual pleasure and even orgasms from stimulation on body parts that aren’t even near our genitals (like nipples, toes and ears). So like Vanessa said, all bodies are different, and if you’re not into labia licking, then you can instruct your partner to focus on your clit instead.
I have to put on my sex educator hat for a sec and let you know that what you’re calling “clitoris” is just one part of a much larger structure. The clitoris is like an iceberg — we can see the glans (that’s the little nub at the top of the vulva), but most of the clitoris lies underneath the skin and runs along the sides of the vulva (it’s shaped like a wishbone). If you want to try stimulating the parts of the clit that run along the sides of the vulva, focus on pressure/grinding, which might feel more pleasurable to you than lighter touch. You can do this on your own with your hands or a pillow, or you can grind against your partner’s mouth/face/chin when you’re receiving oral sex. Maybe you’ll try this and you’ll still be a Glans-Only Gay — that’s totally fine and normal! Communicate with your partners and enjoy getting off.
Q4:
in like 2 weeks i’m going to be hitting that young lesbian milestone of “flying across the country to visit a person i met on tumblr who i’m in love with (let’s call them K) and their girlfriend (L).” we’ve had a lot of conversations about polyamory, i feel comfortable and secure in the relationship i have with K, and i’ve even (to my surprise but excitement) found a lot of chemistry with L, who i’m excited to get to know better. anyway my questions are: a- how do i pack enough clothes for 6 days into a frontier-airlines acceptable backpack, b- advice for one’s first threesome if it happens?, and c- it’s normal to feel both excited and nervous about this, right?
A:
Katie: I love that you are clearly living your best life and I take packing very seriously so I am glad to help. Everyone who has ever traveled with my calls me either Mary Poppins or Hermione, so I’ve been training for this moment.
Though considering you’re traveling to meet people for exciting sexy times, I want to take the opportunity to ask if you’re sure you need clothes for every single day? Or will there be a lot of time spent without clothes? Could you borrow something from either of K or L in a pinch? Do they have laundry access wherever they live that you could maybe throw some things in during the week? No matter what the answers to these questions are make sure you pack more underwear than you think you will need.
Now let’s get into the actual packing strategies in case you decide you do need clothes for each day. Make sure you have the largest bag size allowed by Frontier and if not, see if you can borrow one from a friend, roommate, etc. Roll your clothes, don’t fold them. Try to roll them as tightly as you can. If something is really bulky, you can compress it a little more with the help of rubber bands, scrunchies or whatever similar item you have on hand.
Plan to wear your bulkiest items on the flight, including your only or main pair or shoes for the week. You might be able to squeeze in flip flops or flats if those are you thing but boots or tennis shoes should be worn on the flight. Choose your clothing strategically: simple solid colors that match anything, thinner fabrics, and possibly things that can be reused. Depending on the weather where you’re traveling it might be easy to reuse some pants. If you’re going somewhere really hot and humid where you will sweat the second you walk outside that might not be an option so plan accordingly.
If you’re someone who wears leggings, shorts, dresses or skirts (I am not but maybe you are) these are good options because they take up less space than things like jeans and sweaters. Put your largest items, usually pants, on the bottom, because you need your bag to zip and you don’t want that sticking out and blocking the zipper. Stack the smaller items and don’t be afraid to play Tetris. Things dont have to all lie horizontally if you have some vertical space free. Pack the smallest items like underwear, face masks, and socks in the small crevices you will find in between packing items. You will have spaces where you can’t quite fit another shirt but you can fit 3 pairs of socks or face masks.
Remove as much packaging as possible: For example, if you’re packing face masks that came in a box take them out of the box. If you need something like Tylenol or prescription medications, don’t bring a bottle take a smaller amount out of the bottle to save space. See if you can use toiletries where you’re staying to avoid taking up that space in your bag. If there are items that are larger and relatively inexpensive, like contact solution or makeup removing wipes, plan to buy them there or see if you can borrow them from K or L.
I believe in you, you can do it. Now, I shall pass you on to Vanessa for parts b and c of your question.
Vanessa: I am NOT great at packing light, but it seems like Katie has you covered on that! I’m here to say YES super normal to feel excited *and* nervous, and also to give some tips on your potential first threesome!
Communication is key, and it sounds like you’ve built a strong foundation of that. I am a dork, but I really like to have a chat beforehand and see what everyone is feeling, what everyone wants, etc. Do you have power dynamics at play? Does one person only want to watch? Who would like to keep their clothes on? What are your hard no’s? Are their toys you each brought that you want to show off before diving into sex? Also do you want to make a little aftercare plan now? You don’t need a written contract or script or anything (unless that sounds hot to you), but I find it very nice and soothing to remember we’re all humans with different wants and needs and we’re all here to have a sexy time together, so we can discuss that beforehand!
While the actual threesome is happening the hottest tip I ever received is remember that watching is an activity! Sometimes in a first threesome one person can end up feeling a little left out if the two other people are interacting and they don’t know how to be involved, and it’s useful to remember that simply by being present, you are being involved! Now, you may take these moments to say “hey, can I offer you an extra set of hands?” or “do you need me to lick your ass while you give that blowjob?” but you also may just take a breath and enjoy the sight of two people you find very hot having a very hot time touching each other, and that rules (or you may start masturbating while witnessing it all and that rules, too).
I also like to have a pretty solid aftercare plan that includes like, how the threesome will wrap up — what I mean by that specifically is, what are the relationship dynamics when the sex part is done? Are you potentially interested in being a throuple? Will you be having a sexy weekend all three of you, or will there be a time where you and K have specific alone time? Do L and K need any alone time while you’re there? When I had sex with two of my best friends who are a couple, in a way that explicitly was NOT romantic, just platonic/sex-based, we went out for dinner afterwards to sort of reset our relationship/make it clear to ourselves that moving forward our friendship wouldn’t lead to any sort of romance or relationship, it would remain very clearly a friendship wherein we occasionally all have sex. I think asking yourself what your expectations are beforehand, discussing your expectations/hopes/dreams with both K and L, and then also accepting that sometimes the best laid plans go awry and it’s possible someone will have a feeling or an experience that they’re not expecting and you may have to tackle that in the moment, is a really useful way to approach a threesome.
And then also also also — just have fun! Sex is fun! You are doing a fun thing! Take all my advice, keep what resonates and toss out the rest, and then just enjoy yourself! Mazel tov on this young lesbian milestone! I hope it’s the best time ever.
Meg: I can’t really speak to the threesomes question, but I love packing light! My number one tip for getting a lot of outfits into a small suitcase is to choose a color palette, theme, or general look, and then commit to that thing 100%, making sure that every single item that you pack will coordinate with that idea. This is an easy way to follow the golden rule of light packing: every thing should coordinate with every other thing. Make sure that any shirt you bring will go with all of the pants or skirts or shorts or leggings that you pack, that you have layers and accessories to mix things up, and that you have a few different pairs of shoes. If you stick with simple base pieces in neutral colors and then add in splashes of color or patterns, you can still reuse certain pieces without anyone noticing. And accessories can make a big difference too! A simple t-shirt and jeans can be dressed up or down depending on the shoes, belt, blazer, sweater, sweatshirt, jacket, hat, scarf, jewelry, watch, or bandana you mix in.
Packing cubes can be really useful, especially if you use them to group together tops, bottoms, special pieces, undergarments, and miscellaneous items. And as Katie said, wear your bulkiest shoes, pants, jackets, or layers while traveling — just make sure they aren’t hard to get in and out of for airport security. If you really want your Doc Martens with you, WEAR THEM. Don’t sacrifice valuable suitcase space for something huge.
Ro: I love Vanessa’s threesome advice — yes, watching IS an activity! And if you feel awkward just watching or you’re not sure what to do, provide instructions (“I want to watch Person A spank Person B,” etc.). Orchestrating sex can be really hot and fun, especially if you and your fellow threesome participants are into power play.
Q5:
Does anyone else find sex much more enjoyable when high from weed? I feel like I really get into my body and out of my head… the orgasms feel deeper and I feel less shame and confusion about my attraction and fantasies afterward.
Is this… fine? A problem? I wish I felt this way without weed but.. I don’t! Can anyone relate?
A:
Vanessa: I don’t know how other people feel about this, but in general, I feel like we shouldn’t overthink feeling good too much. If you find sex more enjoyable when you’re high from weed and your partner(s) is okay with this, I don’t see a problem. I personally get extremely anxious and IN my head/out of my body when high, so this would not work for me, but if it’s working for you, hell yeah. I would say the only part of your question that made me perk up my ears a bit is where you said you feel less shame about your attraction and fantasies when you’re high, and that to me would be a sign that I’d want to do some internal work (while not high) about why I’m feeling shame about those things. Your attractions and your fantasies are simply part of who you are — you are allowed to feel them and you are allowed to like what you like. Some people grow up being told they should feel shame for those things, and some people date partners who tell them to feel shame for those things, and unlearning that shame can unlock the road to feeling so much more at peace and in your body at all times. I wish that for everyone, so I do want to say I want that for you. But if in the meanwhile weed helps you take a break from feeling that shame, and if, like I said, everyone participating in sex feels okay about you being high, I do think you should cut yourself some slack and just let it be. Both things can be true, you know? You can love sex when you’re high and you can also deserve to unlearn your inner shame so that you can be deeply in your body/out of your head when you’re not high, too.
Meg: I also think this is fine! We’ve gotten a lot of questions lately where people recognize what gives them pleasure or gets them off and seem to feel bad about it, which makes me a little sad tbh. But to my mind, if your use isn’t hurting anyone and is directly contributing to stronger orgasms, while also helping you stay present in the moment? Use the weed!
Q6:
I’m on the ace spectrum, and I cannot seem to date anyone, no matter how much I’d like to be in a relationship! I know dating can look different for everyone, but nothing has felt right for me, and the only people I’ve had crushes on are friends who generally have not been queer. There are a lot of other feelings wrapped up in dating for me (body image, social anxiety, lack of experience), and I feel like it all stops me from even considering flirting or dating. How do I get past this?! I’ve made it to my 30s being happy enough on my own–I know I don’t need someone else to make my life better–but I would LIKE to find that someone.
A:
Darcy This can feel like a tough wall to break through, especially when you know yourself enough to know that you do pretty well on your own! I know this isn’t your exact circumstance, but in the year after I came out at 30, I just had no idea how to go about meeting people, and I was also worried that people would see my lack of queer experience as a total red flag.
I did a couple of things in tandem that year – I started going to social groups at my local LGBTQ+ center, and I signed up for online dating. I was initially really terrified of both. But the great thing about the groups at the Center was that there was always an activity planned. I didn’t have to think of small talk, because we were decorating the office for Pride, or going to the pumpkin patch, or watching a movie. Over time, I started to relax, made some friends, and asked one of them out! And bonus, obviously, nobody there was straight.
As far as the online dating goes, if you do decide to try it, I think that activities can help take the pressure off there, too. Does your local bar or coffee shop have a trivia night? Do you want to each bring a board game or card game to the park? Are there one of those pottery-glazing or candle-making places in town? There might be lots of possibilities!
I don’t mean to make this all sound like it should just *be* easier for you. Making, and then showing up for, my very first online date was hands-down the most socially difficult thing I have ever done. I was terrified that she wouldn’t like me, or my body, or that I wouldn’t be able to think of anything to say, or that she’d leave when she found out she was my first date EVER with a queer woman. But none of those things happened. She was nice! She didn’t mind at all that I was inexperienced. She came with her own insecurities and fears – she was just another human bean, and we were just meeting up to see if we clicked, no pressure. After that, making online dates became a bit easier. It really did feel like a situation where I just had to rip off the bandaid and get through it, so that the next time, I wouldn’t feel so scared. Essentially, for some of us, I don’t think dating will ever feel easy breezy – but it IS doable, if that’s what you want! Good luck. <3
Q7:
When should a person cut off given family? The culture I grew up with says, “family sticks together even if they hurt you; just overlook politics/religion,” and queer culture says, “you can choose a new family. You don’t have to force relationships that aren’t sparking joy.” I burn bridges when someone hurts me one too many times, no matter who they are, but now I’m wondering if the few remaining filial relationships are worth fighting for, especially when they half-way apologize. I love my community but most of them haven’t known me when I was truly young and there’s something special about that sometimes. What if *I’m* the zealot now, if their emotional immaturity takes so much energy (of which I have limited amounts) that I’m tempted to cut them off so easily? I used to visit home across the country 1-2x a year but I haven’t gone since pre-COVID, mostly from this sense of discomfort and sadness that people I used to be so close with are so different from me now in ways that hurt. Maybe I just grieve the loss of closeness but don’t lose touch completely?
A:
Vanessa: This question resonates and really touched me, so I am going to attempt to answer it, even though the truth is I think the answer is “I don’t know.”
I don’t think you need to stick together with people you are related to by blood even if they hurt you, I don’t think you need to “just overlook” politics/religion, but I do think some of us feel tied to the families we were born into no matter how robust and beautiful our chosen queer families are. And I also think only you can really know if it’s healthy for you to keep a family member in your life or not — no one else can tell you.
My dad and I did not see eye to eye about many things. I argued with him a lot. There were times I didn’t speak to him. And also — my dad loved me, deeply, fiercely, without question. He supported me, materially and emotionally. I never questioned a day in my life if my dad loved me — he made it so clear. It was a truth I took for granted. It let me argue with him, let me take space when I needed to, let me complicate our relationship by not simply overlooking the things about it that were challenging. One of my serious girlfriends did not get along with my dad and she often asked me why I maintained a relationship with him. She made me feel guilty for doing so, implied I was a traitor to our queer community for keeping my dad close. We eventually broke up. My dad and I kept working on our differences — through them, around them, past them, with them. That work we both put in allowed us to grow closer. And then a few years later, my dad died. My heart was broken. My heart is still broken. And one of the only things I could possibly feel grateful for, in the unfair unending foreverness of my dad’s death, is that he knew how much I loved him. The very first night I spent in my parents’ house after my dad died (suddenly, unexpectedly) with my mom and my brother, I collapsed on the floor sobbing, feeling so much guilt and shame for ever complicating my relationship with my dad. I’m crying as I write this. I wailed, I told my mom, “What if he didn’t know? What if he didn’t know how much I loved him?” And my mom gave me this gift. My mom said to me, “Vaness, dad knew. Here’s the thing: Dad never thought your relationship was complicated. YOU felt your relationship was complicated. But Dad just loved you. He appreciated you exactly as you were. It was never complicated for him.”
So that’s the thing. My relationship with my dad WAS complicated for me. There are still things I will never understand about the way he saw the world. But the way he saw me — the way he treated me — was never complicated. So it was worth keeping our relationship, because when I thought about my dad, I felt safe. I felt loved. And I know if I had cut him off, I would have regretted it, and I know if we hadn’t been speaking when he died suddenly, I would be handling my grief over his permanent goneness much less peacefully.
Do the people in your life who you are considering keeping in your life love you? Do they let you be the fullest version of you? Do you ever question if they really grant you your full humanity? Is it worth it to have a complicated relationship with them? Are there boundaries you can enact that will let you keep them in your life but not allow them to cause you (or your chosen family) harm? Can they respect those boundaries? How would you feel if they died suddenly tonight? What are the things you want to tell them? How can you honor yourself when thinking about these relationships? What do we owe the people who love us? What do we owe the people who don’t? What do we owe ourselves? These are some questions to ask yourself as you consider your question. I don’t know if I gave you an answer. But I am thinking of you as you work through these challenging questions, and I am sending you love.
Meg: Vanessa’s answer is so, so beautiful, and as always I really deeply value what she’s shared here. My answer is similar and piggybacks off of one specific point: that Vanessa’s dad worked on things with her. They talked, and argued, and made space for different viewpoints and beliefs — but they also respected each other, loved each other, cared about each other. They treated one another with dignity, care, and kindness. And for me, that’s the key thing about chosen vs. natal family, about deciding which relationships to maintain. How do they handle your differences? How much do they engage with you about the things that matter to you, even if you approach those things in opposing ways?
I don’t think we have to only spend time with people that have the exact same beliefs and values as us. But I also don’t think that we have an obligation to maintain relationships with people that actively wish us harm, that ignore our challenges, that overlook our questions or struggles, that refuse to engage with us on things that are important, that demand civility over authenticity, that want us to be quiet and appropriate even when everything is on fire. It’s 2022, the government is making sweeping, horrible decisions that impact literally everything, and I personally just don’t think “avoiding politics/religion” with people is the solution to every issue. (In fact, I would argue that refusing to meaningfully engage on important differences of opinion is part of what has gotten the United States to this point, but I digress). Some things, like politics and religion, have a huge impact on our lives, particularly because we’re queer. Simply ignoring those facts doesn’t make them go away, and people that require you to do that for their own comfort are asking a lot of you — more than you may even realize. It costs something to pretend that everything is fine.
If you genuinely find it worth engaging in relationships that stay surface level, if those connections still offer you something valuable, I really do think that it’s a valid choice to maintain them. The world is very hard, and friendships and community and family do matter. But I would ask what you’re really getting out of relationships that won’t go very deep, that won’t engage with your challenges or questions, that won’t make space for all of you, that require you to keep a lid on certain major aspects of who you are. What’s the point, exactly? Are these relationships helping you, or are they hurting you? Do they really offer comfort, or are they just familiar?
I absolutely understand the grief that comes with a loss of closeness, and a desire to hang on to people that have known different versions of you. But I also think that with everything that’s been happening for the last few years, a lot of people are rethinking their most intimate relationships, and examining them with a more critical lens. In some ways, there’s a kind of performance or censoring that often comes with connections and community — you probably don’t share every aspect of yourself with every single person you spend time with, and that’s okay! But if you have to put in a ton of emotional energy just to avoid everything that matters — is that really closeness, intimacy, friendship? Or is that just rewalking old paths, ones that you may not want to explore anymore but aren’t sure how to move beyond?
I don’t necessarily have answers for you. All I can say is that for me, when I stopped investing in relationships that required me to censor myself, to pretend that everything was fine all the time, to not share anything that really mattered with me, I had a lot more energy for the friendships and connections that made me feel whole, seen, loved in my completeness. This doesn’t have to look like completely cutting people out of your life — but it might mean reaching out less, investing less time and energy into maintaining those connections, and instead putting more effort into the people that let you be your true self.
shea: Before I begin, I just want to say how much I truly appreciate both Vanessa’s and Meg’s responses. At the end of her response, Vanessa asked, “do they [your family] let you be the fullest version of you?” That’s where I want to start because I wholeheartedly believe that you, fellow queer I’ve never met, deserve to be your fullest self every single day, to have folks love and hold space for that self, and to be celebrated in all of the ways possible in this world.
It took me a while to learn this myself. I grew up in a big extended family with a praying grandmama. My entire family wasn’t in church every Sunday but all seemed to fall back on religiosity when it came to things like gender, queerness, and death. Because my mom was the oldest, we hosted most holidays at our house. Some of my fondest childhood memories are of my mom, grandma, aunts, and uncles singing gospel hymns in our living room late into the night. With my mom’s eight siblings (and twice as many cousins), there was always family around – telling stories, having birthdays, playing games, and watching sports. I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up, but I had my cousins and that was enough. I always counted myself lucky growing up as a Black kid in the South – my family was tight-knit and forever bound no matter what.
My mom died in 2015. Before she died, she and I had made great strides in our relationship and her acceptance of my queerness. Yet, when I announced my engagement a year after my mom’s death via family group text, I received almost no response from my “tight-knit” family. Months later, none of my mom’s siblings showed up at my wedding or sent gifts. Some didn’t even acknowledge the invitation I’d sent. Two weeks later, my new wife and I went to Thanksgiving at my uncle’s house and my aunt asked me about the weather instead of my wedding. That was last holiday with my extended family.
When I started to reflect on my relationships with my family, I realized they were rooted in love that included judgment – something that didn’t allow me to be my fullest self. Through reflection and therapy, I realized that much of what I associated with “just being a family ” were actually unhealthy obligations that harmed me – like not being able to be myself at holidays. So I stopped. And yes – existing without them is so incredibly hard. They hold memories, stories, and pieces of my mom that I miss dearly. When my dad died last year, the grief and longing for memories intensified. As much as the grief hurts though, I am too in love with who I am today (and the progress I’ve made) to rekindle relationships with folks who refuse to love me as fiercely as I need and deserve.
Sometimes, we choose to be martyrs in hopes that those we love will make progress toward loving us better. Sometimes, it works out. Other times, it doesn’t. Whichever choice you make, please know that you are worthy of the fiercest love the universe has to offer. I’m rooting for you either way!
Q8:
recently i connected with someone over Lex. we texted a decent amount and have hung out twice, the second time after i clarified i was interested in a platonic connection rather than a sexy or romantic one. i’ve now realised that i actually just don’t want to be this person’s friend at all??? they’re not a bad person in any way, i just don’t really enjoy being in touch with them.
do i have to explicitly communicate this? or is this a situation where ghosting/soft ghosting/constantly postponing is actually acceptable?
A:
Darcy: Okay, so this is a question where it’s possible different writers might have slightly different opinions! That said, I think that since you’ve hung out a couple of times and texted a bunch, ghosting might be pretty confusing for the person you met. I don’t think you have to explicitly tell them that you don’t want to hang out anymore because you don’t enjoy their company. I think in this case, a “hey, it’s been fun, but things are about to get really busy for me and I won’t have time to keep this going” should be sufficient. Best of luck!
Vanessa: Co-signing Darcy! I don’t think a formal “break up” is necessary but I also think simply disappearing would be rude and needlessly hurtful. This is a perfect moment for a slow fade! Goddess bless.
Meg: Absolutely team slow fade on this one.
shea: I know Meg and Vanessa are saying “slow fade,” but I’m with Darcy on this one, I’m always a fan of being hella frank (and clear) about where I stand with others, especially if there’s a chance we’re not on the same page. If the other person is really into being your friend and you keep canceling plans or avoiding them, they might try harder or take it to heart anyways. Just tell them you’re not feeling it and don’t make it awkward. You don’t owe them an explanation but honesty is better than than that awkward “we cool or nah?” fade to black.
Q9:
I’m heading to divorce and it’s not what I want. My wife has been unhappy. I have ADHD, depression, and anxiety and I allowed them to interfere in my life. Thus my wife has been carrying a larger load and she’s over it. She loves me and is attracted to me, but does not want to live with me. She will not have sex with me because she’s afraid she will then not leave me. She’s also been carrying on a mostly emotional, mildly physical (kissing), affair with a friend. We’re monogamous, or at least have been until now. My wife has cheated on most of her previous partners and I’ve been cheated on by all of my partners. Maybe monogamy isn’t right for me, or maybe I’m just with the wrong people. Am I asking for advice? I think I’m just flailing. My anxiety is off the charts.
I don’t want to lose my wife, but I have absolutely no power in the at decision.
A:
Darcy: Friend, I am so sorry that you’re going through this. It’s always shitty to feel powerless. However your wife decides to move forward, I’m hoping you can find some alternate means of support for your mental health. Depression, anxiety, and ADHD are no joke. As a person who has had all three of those diagnoses, I quibble a bit at the idea that you are “allowing” them to interfere with your life; the thing about mental health conditions is that they tend to push themselves in without invitation! Nevertheless, they’re here, and you will have to find some tools for moving forward that aren’t reliant on your wife.
Therapy is always a tricky thing to suggest because cost, time, and the effort to find a therapist can all be barriers to treatment, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the idea. If you’re not currently seeing a therapist and you’re open to the idea, readers in the comments of a previous A+ Advice Box had some great suggestions for finding affordable, accessible options. Medication management may also be important for you; if you’re currently on medication, is it working? If you’re not, is it something you might want to try? If you have a primary care physician or a psychiatrist, it might be time to call them. If you don’t have access or are uninsured, I would highly recommend looking up low-cost clinics (sometimes called “Women’s Health Clinics” or “Family Clinics”) in your area – I got great health care from doctors at those clinics in my twenties, and always paid on a sliding scale according to my income. I know that all of these steps take energy and focus that we can’t always find when things are rough. If you have a close friend or family member who might be able to do the legwork on some of this, that can be a great option.
Most of all, I just want to hold space for you. Whatever happens with your marriage, I hope that you’re able to take care of yourself, and have compassion for yourself when even that feels hard.
Q10:
Hey AS team <3
Sometimes I orgasm just from making out with someone and slightly grinding on them. Like if we’re kissing for a few minutes and there is a nanogram of sustained pressure on my clit (from their knee, their pelvic bone, the ridge from the fabric covering the zipper on their jeans, etc) I cum, with or without clothes on. Even more likely if we’re moaning. It’s a smallish orgasm (think sparkle more than firework) but I’ve been so embarrassed whenever it happens that I don’t let myself feel it completely!
I’ve internalized a lot about how “””finishing too soon””” is supposed to be embarrassing for folks with penises. I don’t think it’s something anyone should be ashamed about, though. Also even after cumming in the moment I still like making out and sex. But I also want to be mindful about consent— like what if the person isn’t intending to give me an orgasm?
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!
A:
Vanessa: Babe! I’m sorry you’ve been feeling embarrassed about this! It is a totally normal thing that happens, and some people even feel pride and joy over being able to orgasm so easily! So while I can’t take away your feelings, I do want to say I hope you’re able to work through and let go of the shame associated with this, because you’re not doing anything wrong!
In terms of consent, I would say if you’re kissing and making out and someone puts pressure on your clit, there’s a strong likelihood that they are consenting to giving you an orgasm. If you want to be extra cautious, I think once the kissing starts you could say something like, “Just fyi, I orgasm very easily, and this is really turning me on… is that okay?” And then if they have any concerns or reservations they can say so then, but honestly I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised to find most people will be psyched, joyful, and probably even a little envious!
Also I am obsessed with calling a small orgasm a sparkle and will be using the sparkle emoji very suggestively moving forward, tysm for that.
Q11:
I (genderqueer/non-binary and queer/bi/pan) have recently been going on dates with and getting to know M (non-binary lesbian). It’s been really cute so far and I’m excited about them! I’m having some feelings about them identifying as a lesbian and what that means about how they see me, how I might in the future articulate that to others, etc. It’s some reassurance to me that they are non-binary and ID as a lesbian, so clearly they see the identity as expansive/inclusive in that way…but I guess I don’t fully understand the choice to choose “lesbian” if one is attracted to people of multiple genders (they have ID’d in the past as bi, but now ID as a lesbian and referred to it as a political identity, and talked about wanting to center women in their life, though it doesn’t seem like they have dated/been attracted to trans women.) I did a little Googling and found a Ygender personal essay by a non-binary lesbian talking about the gender-variant history of the lesbian community, and that helped. Is this basically like the same discourse of “bisexual” having included more than two genders for a long time? I think I am just less familiar with non-binary-inclusive lesbian history, and my ask is for more reading/resources around that. I know an obvious answer is to ask M what “lesbian” means as a political identity to them, and I’m sure I will, but I am trying to inform myself separately beforehand/as well, because I don’t want to say something ignorant or come off as policing their identity in any way!
A:
Ro: First, I love that you’re approaching M’s identity with curiosity rather than judgment. You are absolutely correct that gender non-conforming people have always been part of the lesbian community. If you want to do some further reading about the role of GNC folks in lesbian history, I highly recommend Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg, which you can access for free here and The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader, edited by Joan Nestle, which you can access for free here. As a gender non-conforming person who doesn’t really know what words to use to describe my gender or orientation, I’m thrilled to see younger queer folks using the word “lesbian” in a more expansive way. But it’s important to acknowledge that identity terms often mean different things to different people, especially within the LGBTQ+ community. So, yes, it’s a good idea to ask the person you’re dating what “lesbian” means to them. Asking that question doesn’t mean that you’re policing their identity — it just means you’d like to learn more about their experience and how they see themself in the world.
Q12
Hi, this is my first time using this… I have a co-worker who, I guess, is trying to be a good ally. Our non-profit has a program for teenagers, and we have several who have elected to go by other names, genders, and pronouns. Recently while riding in the car alone together, the lead teacher asked me for my thoughts about this. She shared that she has this “parental instinct” to want to protect these kids from any social fall-out that may result from them growing up and then realizing they really do identify as their gender / pronouns assigned at birth, and having to back-pedal these name / pronoun changes. I told her that it really isn’t our business, but if any of them wanted to change their bodies, they’d likely be placed on blockers for a few years until they’d had time to consider the prospects of natural puberty or hormone therapy. Beyond that, though, I was really at a loss for what to tell her, other than just don’t worry about that, which sounded like not quite the answer / reasoning she was seeking. My true answer would be, “People are fluid, and they’re on a journey, so mind your own beezwax!” But straight, cis people seem extremely ncomfortable with anybody coming out in one way or another and then realizing their identity needs to be reshaped as they grow and evolve. So I went home and frantically googled within PFLAG, Them and yes, Autostraddle looking for “do teens change their minds about pronoun use?” I wished i could find some well-thought-out article to give her, but as of yet, I haven’t found it. So, any thoughts or resources?? Thanks.
A:
Darcy: Oh dear. It sounds like your coworker has a bit of a ways to go before she’s a “good ally!” The kids are lucky she’s got you there to start to redirect her.
First of all, I wonder if you can help her separate names and pronouns, which she presumably needs to know for her job, from anything having to do with her students’ bodies, which is between those students and their doctors. You can do so by modeling, and also with straightforward statements like “students’ bodies are none of our business.” Cis people often seem to get preoccupied with the bodies of trans and nonbinary people in ways that are, frankly, entirely inappropriate, and it sounds like maybe she needs to be reminded of that.
I do understand that you won’t want to alienate your coworker, though, and that she does need access to the information and resources that will help her to better understand and respect her students! One entry-level book I love and have passed along to many family members is A Quick and Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns. There are SO many excellent memoirs written by trans authors out there. You can also direct her to the data. In 2021, the Trevor Project released a large-scale, peer-reviewed study that found that gender-affirming care for children leads to significantly lower rates of depression, suicidal thoughts, and suicide attempts among trans youth. And this year, a study published in Pediatrics found that most youths who socially transitioned did not retransition later.
Hopefully, with time, data, and some nudging, you can help your coworker redirect her mothering instinct, and see that the best way to protect the mental and physical health of her students is to honor wherever they are on their journeys – and also not to pry or speculate about their health care. Best of luck to you!
Q13:
Hi! I’ve been getting curious about drag recently so I wondered if the team has any drag kings (with content available online) who they would recommend I check out.
My ability to get to live performances locally is hampered by disability – most things are late at night and would require taking long routes on bad public transport. So I’ve also been thinking that if I get into doing drag myself, I would be leaning into crip and spoonie things when creating my persona. Does anyone already know of drag kings or queens who play around with things like this? I know it’s a specific question so the answer may be no, but I thought this was a good place to think aloud about it. And thank you all for running such a wonderful site for our community!
A:
Meg: I am sure some of my fellow writers will have actual recommendations for you — I just wanted to say that spoonie drag kings sound rad as fuck and I hope you can find some great resources to help you get into this!!
Darcy: It does sound rad! We used to have a local drag king who, after an injury, did a series of performances where he sat in a chair and another dancer did a lil dance *for* him, and he performed too but without having to be on his feet, all onstage. IT WAS VERY GOOD. In our local drag and burlesque scene (which are somewhat intertwined), the performances and venues adapt a lot to the performers, so if I were you I’d definitely look up local groups and reach out to them!
Nicole: Jumping in to say it looks like we could use some recs in the comments! Let’s crowd source!
Q14
I am 24 and I have a baby face, such that I am always carded in the US, and recently carded in Germany buying wine (something 16 year olds can do).
The other day I was at a cool artsy dinner and a very attractive older lesbian looking person came up to me and started talking to me
This has me now thinking: How do I make it clear that I am of a reasonable age to be hit on without implying “we have a significant age gap”? When I talk to people roughly my age I usually just talk about my career/experience which makes it clear I’m a couple years past college, or I often just say I’m 24 and ask how old they are
With an older person, I don’t want to be rude, and don’t want to draw attention to an age gap, I just want to announce that I am in fact a reasonable age – can you help?
A:
Katie: As a person who got carded for R rated movies well into my twenties I understand your struggle. I’m sensing though that the there is an element here of feeling maybe less confident than you would like talking to this “very attractive” older person. I can relate to this. I used to worry a lot in the early years of my career that people would think I was an intern and I think a lot of my fear was about feeling confident talking to people who had more experience and wisdom. I know work is not the same as a social or romantic environment, but I think there’s a similarity in the potential to doubt yourself if you are young and seem younger. But it sounds like your usual instincts are already completely on point. You already have experience casually dropping signs of your age into a conversation without pulling out a government ID to prove yourseldf. So I’m sure that you can do the same thing here. Maybe you already did that but are feeling a little unsure of yourself because you don’t want this very attractive person to view you as a child. If it’s any reassurance, I have a suspicion that if this person met you at a cool artsy dinner and came up to talk to you, they already knew that you aren’t a teenager and that you seemed cool, artsy, and interesting yourself.
I realize you were probably hoping for more specific tactics of what to say, but I hope it’s still helpful to tell you from experience as someone now in her 30s that still looks younger than I am (I got carded last week) that you are cool and interesting and worth talking to. Trust your instincts for how to casually mention that you are in fact a grown-up. I’m sure you have interesting hobbies, life experiences, work experiences, and so much more going on that will make it very clear that you are grown and badass and someone worth getting to know.
Ro: I relate to your experience! I’m in my thirties, but strangers often think I’m much younger because I’m short, I don’t wear makeup and I don’t dress like a typical “woman” (and sometimes straight, cis people think I’m a teenage boy, which has led to some incredibly awkward interactions). However, I’ve noticed that other queer folks are able to accurately identify my age, probably because they’re not looking for the same age and gender signifyers that straight, cis folks look for. So you might not have to worry so much about your baby face when you’re flirting with hot queers. If you’re still concerned that folks are misreading your age, keep in mind that people determine our age based on our appearance AND based on how we carry ourselves. If you carry yourself with the confidence of an adult, then other people will probably get the right idea.
Q15:
Pressing question! Why is astrology EVERYWHERE in queer culture nowadays? As a queer scientist who absolutely does Not want to put myself in a box based on the circumstances of my birth, at best I just do not get it and at worst it makes me irritated (though I try not to let it because you do you and all that). But it’s honestly getting incredibly exhausting trying to navigate queer spaces and dating apps when it seems like every other thing I read and every other profile I see just casually tosses in something like “that’s my (sign) energy talking” and I just?? Can’t actually tell if people legitimately believe in astrology?? Or just use it as like, a queer Myers-Briggs?? But that still leaves me with the categorizing ourselves based on the circumstances of our birth thing, which is antithetical to me as a queer person! Help me Autostraddle, you’re my only hope!
A:
Vanessa: Okay, I am admittedly an Astrology Dyke, so if you want to skip my answer I won’t be offended… but I have some thoughts that might help you feel less irritated with this, and so I am sharing my two cents. How very Capricorn of me ;) (I’M KIDDING!) (Kind of.) (Okay okay but seriously…)
So, for what it’s worth, I think astrology is more present everywhere right now, not just in queer culture. I don’t know if that’s reassuring or even more infuriating, but really, tons of straight people are into it, too. My personal thoughts are 1. Meme culture makes understanding astrology more accessible, and we’re all on social media a lot more than we used to be, 2. Many people don’t feel strongly about religion anymore but as humans we still look for schemas and guidance from something larger than us, and 3. If you’re not infuriated by it, it’s very fun.
That said, how should you deal with it? Well, you have two choices. You can either only date/hang out with other people who also steadfastly do not believe in or talk about astrology at all, or you can be a little more generous with people who do.
You wonder in your question if people legitimately believe in astrology. Well, some of us do, some of us don’t, and some of us do a little. What would it mean to legitimately believe in astrology? For me, I genuinely believe the way the sky looked the night I was born has an effect on who I am as a person. I also think I’m the maker of my own destiny, and I also love science. Many astrologers feel the same. It makes me feel pretty bad about myself when people imply that my belief in something larger than me makes me stupid, or makes me less science-based than they are, but oh well, I just don’t really hang with anyone like that. And I don’t judge people who aren’t interested in astrology, nor do I push my thoughts or perceptions about astrology onto them. If I have a friend who said, “I never want you to tell me I’m making impulsive choices because I’m a Gemini,” I would never tell them that. But if I had a friend who said, “It annoys me when you post HAPPY GEMINI CHAOS SEASON on your Instagram story every June,” I probably wouldn’t be friends with that person for too long because guess what, I’m gonna post HAPPY GEMINI CHAOS SEASON on my Instagram story every June. Do you know what I mean? So I think the key here, in my opinion, is to be a little more generous with thinking of astrology as an interest, not necessarily a core defining characteristic of a person (unless they tell you otherwise). I joke all the time that I’m a bottom, and I am, but that doesn’t mean I NEVER top, and also, if someone didn’t know what topping or bottoming is, I would find other things to converse about. Most people like to make little jokes about astrology because it’s a fun shared language — if you see someone who looks otherwise fun and interesting on Lex and they mention being a Taurus who loves snacks, simply don’t comment on that part of their profile, and strike up conversation about something else. If they can ONLY flirt in astrology memes, they’re not the babe for you. But most of us — even the most long-winded Astrology Dykes — have a wide array of interests we’d love to chat about, especially if the cute person messaging us (that’s you!) or befriending us (also you!) expresses a desire to talk about things other than astrology in a polite way that doesn’t make us feel like they think we’re dumb.
Do I think you should marry an astrologer? I do not! Do I think you could worry less about the folks in your life and the folks who could enter your life who like to reference astrology in their dating ads? I do. But if it’s a hard no for you, then it’s a hard no. I once briefly dated a vegan who told me they could only date other vegans. That was their choice, I respected it, and we broke up. I bet they found another vegan to be very happy with. Only you can decide if you’re able to put up with casual astrology chatter in the air in your life. But do I personally think you should give it a go? Hell yeah. You might surprise yourself and even find that you like making little jokes about your moon sign, too. It doesn’t have to Mean Anything, unless you want it too.
Darcy: I’m going to jump in as one of our resident non-astrology types! I think Vanessa is totally correct about astrology being a shared language sometimes, and I’m going to add that it *can* feel kind of alienating or sad for me when I realize that astrology is *not* a language I share with a queer person I just met. I’ve fully had someone walk up to me at A-Camp, ask me about my birth chart, and then when I couldn’t answer, just…walk away? That was a bummer! But whatever was going on for that person, of course Vanessa is absolutely right when she says that most people – and the people who will be *your* people – won’t just want to talk to you about astrology. It’s just one way of opening the conversational door!
I do think, if you can set aside your irritation, there will be many other ways to open that door. I used to say “I don’t really identify with the Capricorn thing, but I’m definitely a Hufflepuff!” I can’t say that anymore, for obvious reasons, but there are lots of ways you can have fun with it once you learn just a little bit about the Zodiac language. Maybe your astrology is The Babysitters Club, and you’re a Kristy Thomas with a Dawn Schaefer Rising. Maybe you DO want to talk about the Meyer’s Briggs! There will always be people in the world who are enthusiastic and gracious about connecting, no matter the differences in what informs each of your respective understanding of yourselves and the world. I hope you meet many of them! <3
Q16:
Hello!
Following my top surgery, my already tenuous self esteem has taken a real hit because of certain people’s response to my appearance.
I am hoping to reclaim some of my self confidence, and I thought one nice thing might be to get a custom portrait or photos done. Do you know of any queer artists who offer these things?
Love,
Cute(??)
A:
Vanessa: I LOVE this idea, and I’m so sorry that anyone in your life has expressed a shitty reaction to your appearance. You deserve nothing but love and support, and I wish for your future that you are surrounded by friends and community who raise up your self esteem. In the meanwhile, I am currently obsessed with Wondra’s photography — they are located in the PNW but I believe they have done FaceTime photography sessions in the past, so they may be open to that if you’re not local, though I can’t guarantee. I also have loved Shoog’s photography for forever, and while they are based in Florida they often tour different parts of the country and have limited spots open to do portraits in different cities when they do. I would also say if you follow any specific queer artists on Instagram or Twitter and like their style, you could reach out to them directly and see if they’d be open to doing a portrait comission. Congratulations on your top surgery, and I’m so glad you are choosing to give yourself this gift.
Q17:
This might be a bit of a niche question, but what the hell: socks! Where do you find them? I’m a 9-9.5 in US women’s sizes, so my feet are Big For A Woman, Small For A Man. And then I also have wide calves so longer socks try to cut off my circulation after a few hours. How do I find socks that will actually fit me and be comfy? Tysm
A:
Vanessa: I like Darn Tough socks, Bombas socks, and Thunda Thighs for sexy thigh-high socks that actually stay put on my fat thighs! And of course I LOVE Autostraddle socks! My girlfriend and I each own a pair and we split them up to say GAY GAY and CHAOS CHAOS and we make jokes about who is the Gay and who is the Chaos on any given day, 10/10 would recommend.
