feature image via Getty Images/filadendron

Welcome to the 60th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s theme is simply: SEX.

Next month’s theme is WELLBEING. Please send us your questions on achieving balance, dealing with continued stress, coping strategies for tough times. We aren’t doctors or physical therapists, so we can’t give you medical advice, so let’s steer away from that (we’ll mostly tell you to see a doctor), but we’d be happy to share our favorite stretches for taking computer breaks, or our strategies for getting the most out of therapy — or ways we cope when therapy isn’t an option — as another example. Get those questions into the A+ Priority Contact Box by Monday June 6th so that we have plenty of time to answer them!! Thank you so much.

The general Into the A+ Advice Box, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

If you like being spanked but have bad shoulders/knees, what are some positions or accessories that might be helpful? Is liberator all it’s cracked up to be?

A:

Vanessa: I love being spanked and I find it’s something that can be incorporated in many positions, not just on all-fours (which I agree, can be really hard on shoulders/knees!). I’ve never used the Liberator, but I can recommend some positions I like: You can simply lie face down on the bed and get spanked, you can stand up and lean your body weight against something like a kitchen counter or the back of a sofa and get spanked, you can lie across your partner’s lap (especially fun if there’s a power dynamic happening as well as the actual impact act), and if you enjoy being slapped/hit/spanked on body parts that aren’t your ass (like your chest or your inner thighs) you can lie on your back and receive impact on those body parts, too!

Ro: I love all of Vanessa’s suggestions! Here’s an additional knee-friendly position: get spanked while lying on your side.

I appreciate Liberator products because they’re firm enough to hold bodies/ body parts in your preferred position(s), they’re durable and they typically come with zip-off, waterproof covers, which is convenient when there’s squirting or a lube spill, BUT they’re really expensive, most of the time, regular pillows or couch cushions can do the same job. Unless you want a really specific piece of sex furniture like Liberator’s spanking bench with cuff attachments, I recommend using whatever you have around the house before splurging.

Meg: Just here to say YES to bending over things! Counters, tables, the arm of a sofa, works like a charm.

KaeLyn: Just adding in some ideas around chronic pain management. If you have pain medication that you can take that helps take the edge off, taking that and timing it for when you are going to have a session could help with getting in and maintaining a comfortable position for longer. Depending on what your specific pains are, taking a warm epson salt bath right before and/or getting it on in the morning before your joints and muscles are more tired (or whatever time of day tends to be your “best time” for mobility) could help. And of course stretching and warming up before helps. I realize these suggestions may sound unsexy, but you could use your “preparing for fun” time to read erotica or watch videos, engage in sexy touching or talking with your partner(s), etc.

Q2:

I have orgasms by myself but not with other people! This is ok sex is still fun! I don’t enjoy receiving really but I’d kind of like for someone else to make me come, like people who have orgasms with me always seem to be having fun, I feel like I’m missing out! Your advice is appreciated thanks.

A:

Vanessa: I love that you have orgasms by yourself and don’t feel the need to pressure yourself to have orgasms while having sex with other people — that rules! I’m answering this question specifically because you indicate wanting to maybe explore orgasming with other people… but I do want to highlight that if you don’t want to do that, that’s 100% fine! Like yes, I think people who have orgasms with you are having fun, but you also specifically say sex is fun for you even when you don’t orgasm, and so I would argue you may not be missing out at all — you may just be having sex the way you like to have sex! That said, because you did write in for advice, I have some ideas about how you can consider trying to orgasm with partners. First of all, if you’re open to the idea of being on the receiving end of sexual activities, you can give your partner specific instructions about how you like to get yourself off, and that might help them navigate your body in a way that feels best to you. Second, you can totally make yourself orgasm while having sex with a partner — do whatever you like to do leading up to an orgasm, and then either use a toy or your hand to make yourself orgasm while they continue to stroke your hair, spank you, talk dirty to you, silently touch themselves, etc etc, whatever it is that most turns you on. Third, you can explore options to make yourself orgasm during sex with another person in a way where your orgasm isn’t like, “the main event” if that makes sense — I love strapping on, putting a vibrator up against my clit, and orgasming while I penetrate my girlfriend — I do orgasm that way but my pleasure/orgasm isn’t the focus of that moment, making her orgasm is still the thing I’m most focused on. I hope these tips help — in general I’d say chatting with the people you’re having sex with about your desires and your body and your hopes/dreams for the sex you have together will be most helpful overall, and also, again, just want to reiterate that not orgasming during sex with another person doesn’t mean you’re missing out! Wishing you luck and orgasms on whatever journey you decide to take!

KaeLyn: Just doubling down that it’s super fine and cool to enjoy partnered sex without orgasms. And orgasms by yourself.As a small add-on to Vanessa’s thorough and excellent advice, if explaining how you like to get off in words to a partner isn’t easy to do–it can sometimes be hard to explain exactly what we need–you could show someone how you like to orgasm by masturbating while they watch and, you know, take mental notes. Then give them a chance to try to replicate it with some light verbal feedback from you. And, of course, be patient with yoursellf. It takes me under 5 minutes to orgasm alone and at least 20 minutes and often more with a partner, so it’s OK if it takes longer and it’s also OK if it doesn’t work the first time you try. Have fun!

Q3:

Condom question(s): I’m reaching the point in my sex-capades where I want to compile my little sex bag (your advice on which has been great) but I’m kinda stuck when it comes to condoms. [In HS and college they just gave them out for free and now I’m standing at CVS like??] Anyway, surface question: advice for buying condoms but more in a “just in case” situation so I have a variety and don’t break the bank and don’t end up with expired condoms?

Deeper question: Who do y’all think should buy/provide condoms when having sex (with a penis or sex toys)? I had impromptu unprotected sex with someone I wanted to have sex with again, but when I said (over text) that I wanted to use a condom next time for birth control and safer sex reasons she responded with “sure lol” but she said that I would have to get them because buying condoms is bad for dysphoria reasons and then offered no suggestions when I asked her what kind she wanted, which surprised me. I guess I figured for sensory reasons, the person wearing the condom might care more than the other people involved? My students (who I asked this question to in a very theoretical manner during sex ed class) said that everyone should come prepared. I like that answer (#ProudTeacherMoment) but curious what y’all think.

(ps not hooking up with that person any more for other reason, but on the plus side, now I’ve got condoms!)

A:

Vanessa: I think your students are correct — ideally, everyone should come prepared. I like to buy non lubricated condoms because the lube in condoms may be silicone based and you don’t want to use silicone lube with silicone toys, so to avoid that hurdle in general I just make sure all my condoms are non lubricated. I also have nitrile gloves in my “sex toy bag” (actually just a crate under my bed). I have considered buying non-latex condoms because I’ve wondered if I have a latex allergy before (my vulva is very sensitive) but ultimately I haven’t done that yet. I think if you’re keeping a sex bag, you could just buy a few condoms of your choosing at a time and keep them in there, and cycle through trashing them and buying new ones if you’re worried they’re expiring. I personally wouldn’t focus too much on like, the etiquette of who should buy condoms or other safer sex tools. Like I said at the top, ideally everyone should come prepared, but if you want to be sure you always have condoms on you, then I think it’s reasonable for you to buy them and keep them on you. I’ve slept with a lot of people who wouldn’t necessarily use gloves as a practice but when I indicated I wanted to use them they readily agreed — in those cases if I hadn’t had gloves we wouldn’t have had any, but I didn’t feel resentful about being the one to provide them. It just is what it is, in my mind. Other people may have different perspectives and I’m excited to read about them!

KaeLyn: The kids are alright! I love the norm of everyone coming prepared! I’d say that there is slightly more responsibility on the person whose home the sex is happening at, if you take someone home or have them over, etc. Always being prepared is a good thing. I wouldn’t worry too much about having a wide variety of condoms in your “sex bag.” All the brands are highly tested and are very stretchy and will fit 99.9% of all penises and toys. I agree with Vanessa’s rec of nonlubricated condoms plus water-based lube, which will cover you in almost any scenario. You could also get little packets of lube instead of lugging around a whole bottle. You can also get into some fun, fancy lubes if you’re bringing your own. That said, if convenience is key for you, many prelubed condoms already come with water-basd lubricant which is compatible with any toy. If you want some variety for blow jobs, in particular, I recommend non-lubricated mint flavored condoms–there are a couple of different versions of this type of flavored condom. You want the ones that have a mint-flavored powder on an unlubed condom, not mint-flavored lubricant–I think most flavored lube tastes gross. These taste better than latex by itself and if you want, when the mint flavor is gone, you have a ready-to-go nonlubed condom you can add lube to for whatever you are up to next! Have fun!

Q4:

My nipples are a main source of pleasure for me, but my girlfriend of many years doesn’t really enjoy much nipple or breast touching. I’d like to be more creative in how I initiate touch or increase her pleasure (I sometimes feel stuck because of how important nipples are to me, and she doesn’t always have an idea of what will feel good). Any fun ideas of touches we can try?

A:

Vanessa: Oh my gosh, all of them! I’m also a major nipple stimulation person, but many people I’ve slept with have not been. However, the body is a wild wild map of potential sensations, and I encourage you and your girlfriend to test out every spot on her bod (that she feels comfortable with you touching) to see which constellations of sensations and placements feel sexiest to her. For very weird example, my ankles are super erogenous zones for me. No one can tell me why (I’ve quizzed my doctor friends and my acupuncturist friends about it) but I can literally orgasm from the right amount of gentle pressure applied to my ankles if I’m worked up and horny. WILD! I am a firm believer that everyone has specific spots that drive them wild, and we just don’t necessarily always find them… until we do! I recommend making a fun ongoing activity out of this exploration, so your girlfriend doesn’t feel pressured and you don’t feel stuck. Ask her if every time you have sex, she’d be open to you touching a new part of her body. If she’s into any specific kinks (impact, rope play, etc) you can incorporate that, but if she’s not just try out different sensations — think about how you enjoy your nipples touched and do that to her upper thigh, the spot behind her ear, her lower back, etc. Some friends of mine have incorporated dice rolling into their sex life recently (yes my friends are huge nerds, yes I love us) and I’m obsessed with the idea! You can make a numbered list or two — like maybe one list is spots on the body to try touching and one list is how you’re going to touch it — and then roll two dice every time you plan to fuck to see which body part will be touched in which way this time around. Okay that actually sounds very fun and I’m going to incorporate it into my sex life, too, so thank you for this question/inspiration! Have fun out there!

Ro: Vanessa has given great advice on how to find your partner’s erogenous zones! I also want to add that for some folks, the pleasure is less about where you touch them and more about how you touch them. Some folks respond well to gentle touch. Others want to be slapped, grabbed or scratched. Some people get off specific textures (leather, denim, lace, feathers, etc.). Ask your girlfriend if she’s open to experimenting with different forms of touch and different textures. If she’s willing to experiment while blind-foloded, that might help her tune into the sensations and articulate what she’s into.

Shelli: I think both Ro and Vanessa have given great advice that I double triple agree with all of it. I think exploring and touching literally all areas of your partner’s body and paying attention to their reactions. Some folks love to be touched on their underarms, some enjoy being touched behind the ears, you never know until you touch them there to get the tingle. Also layering onto Ro with textures, maybe trying your tongue instead of just your hands and fingers. And lastly, don’t forget to talk to your partner and just ask her questions about where she might like to be touched! Enjoy!

Q5:

Hello Hello, I’ve noticed feeling horny is not a place I feel safe in. For context, I am in an open long-term relationship, and I feel some sort of responsibility for what makes me horny, who makes me horny (especially when this is not my partner) and I feel even guilty for masturbating, so I mostly stopped having a sense of internal sexual identity/life. This is probably the consequence of some uncomfortable events two ish years ago, which lead me to push my horniness away like it’s a bad thing and almost succeeded, so now I’m only horny when the urge is so strong it screams at me. And as a consequence, I feel unsafe in that.

So how can I learn to enjoy horniness again instead of fearing it? how can I feel safe in my desires, fantasies, sexual thoughts?

A:

Ro: The context around this question isn’t totally clear to me, but I’m going to do the best I can with the information given. First, it sounds like the “uncomfortable events” that happened two years ago have had a significant impact on your mental health, and I think it would be helpful to talk through those events with a mental health professional if you haven’t already. It also sounds like you’re having some feelings of guilt around your attraction to folks outside of your open relationship. It might be a good time to revisit your relationship structure and agreements with your primary partner. Are you both feeling comfortable and satisfied with your current relationship structure? If not, what needs to change? It might be helpful to talk this through with a couple’s counselor — when you have a neutral third party present, it’s easier to be completely honest.

I’m not sure what you mean when you say you feel “unsafe” in your desire. Maybe that feeling stems from someone (your current partner? a previous partner?) shaming you for what turns you on? If that’s the case, here’s a reminder: you can’t help what turns you on, and what happens in your own head when you masturbate or have sex with one or more consenting adults is yours and yours alone.

Meg: As Ro said, without having more context for what you’ve been through or what feeling “unsafe” means to you, it’s a little tricky to know exactly what’s happening here — but as someone that has experienced a lot of feelings of shame around sex, desire, and attraction, I wanted to weigh in. First I want to absolutely second reaching out to a therapist, or if you already have one, bringing up this topic with them. Trauma can have a massive impact on our feelings of personal safety and vulnerability, and working with a professional might help you unpack some of these emotions in a way that feels supportive and safe rather than overwhelming.

Repression can be a helpful coping mechanism at times, but it sounds like you’re in a pattern where it’s instinctive rather than a deliberate choice you’re making to protect yourself. Feeling desire or attraction to another person, in my opinion, is not inherently “bad.” We can’t always control who we’re drawn to or what turns us on — what we can control is how we behave when we’re in that kind of horny headspace. You mention that your relationship is an open one, but it sounds like there may be some complications there that leave you feeling like you can’t actually act on that openness without feeling a lot of accompanying guilt. I think that talking to your partner about all of this would be a really good step, and should probably include some thought from you around whether this structure is actually working for you and is something you want to maintain.

Himani: As Ro and Meg have said, it’s a little hard to know what kind of advice or guidance would be appropriate for you without knowing the full context of what happened to you previously and where your strong feelings of shame are stemming from. Most of all, I want to reiterate what Ro said: working with a therapist on this will probably be what serves you more than anything else.

My read on your question is that in the past, your desires led you to do something you regret. This might have been real harm to another person (like crossing a physical or emotional boundary) or something that is rooted in the way you were raised (perhaps the idea that feeling desire or feeling horny is in and of itself something shameful and so any sexual activity outside the “norm” of what was “acceptable” leads to feelings of guilt or regret). If this at all feels relevant, I highly encourage you to read this article from The Guardian that unpacks regret and offers guidance on how to work through it in a constructive way.

As Meg said, being turned on by something isn’t inherently bad or something to feel ashamed about, no matter what it is that turns you on. What matters is what you do with that. In the process, we all of us make mistakes, but the important thing, as that article addresses, is to feel real remorse and learn how to do better in the future.

Nicole: Everyone’s advice here is so good. As you can see, we’re all trying to figure out what the context behind this question is here, so as a general note to the whole class, even though you may be tempted to be vague when asking hard questions, I encourage everyone to be as specific as they can manage so that we know what to do! My read of this was that something happened that made you feel unsafe during times when you’re horny / being sexual, and that the best solution for your own safety was repressing your desires, and that this has gone on for two years. I’m not going to knock you doing what you had to after whatever occurred two years ago, but this is not a longterm solution. I’m here to second therapy, but also, I am always giving the caveat that therapy might not be super accessible right now because of the general shortage of therapsists / basically no one being okay. So, I’d also encourage you to look for writing and resources (books, articles, podcasts, YouTube) on whatever happened two years ago, to research and to unpack and process that for yourself (maybe journal, too!) because, and this is pure speculation because I feel like I don’t have a ton to go on here, it sounds like you did not get to do that enough. It sounds to me like you have not actually fully processed whatever happened.

I am also wondering what’s going on between you and your partner. You mention that you’re in a non-monogamous relationship, but that you feel guilt around feeling desire that isn’t focused on your partner. For one, I am just here to say that your sexuality predates your relationship with your partner, because that’s something that’s been with you and will always be with you. It’s okay, and I would say encouraged, to have your own relationship to your desires that exists just between you and yourself. You don’t have to focus everything on your partner, and that includes masturbation, which everyone is entitled to engage in on their own if that is something they want!

So, I’m going to encourage you to take a deep breath and let yourself sit with the fears you feel around yourself and your desires, and to give yourself space to do whatever you need to do there — which may, depending on the situation, be forgiving yourself and finding ways to be accountable if you’ve caused any harm (I have no idea if you have or not), determining what kinds of conversations you need to have with your partner, figuring out what you may need in order to engage in healing around your relationship to your desires, letting go of guilt or shame that has been put on you for your desires…in short, it sounds like you need some mental space dedicated to this issue and I just want to give you permission to take up that space, to take that time, and to do what you need.

Q6:

Hello!!

Your orgasm roundtable prompted a question I was hoping some of you could help me out with (it’s fairly practical). I used to really struggle to orgasm and only would manage with an intense vibrator. I was using the tiger from fun factory for years until it broke. It got to the point where any non-vibrations touches felt very disappointing and I started to stop enjoying my sex life with my long term partner unless we were using the tiger. My toy died a year or so ago and since then, I’ve been using this opportunity to rekindle with my sensitivity to finger touches and find out what what gets me off besides brutal vibes. It’s worked pretty well and I can now orgasm with much less effort from my partner’s fingers or my own. However, I feel the orgasms don’t bring me relief. I definitely have them, buuut the minute they come, I can’t find what to do practically to get the relief I was getting with the tiger (mostly through fucking myself through the waves until the orgasm passes). I don’t want to centre my pleasure around a toy again, so I want to find a way to relief through fingers. I know it won’t be the same, but there is something about my orgasms with fingers that feel unfinished every time. So I’m wondering: what kind of touches do vulva people find pleasurable during an orgasm? how can you fully move through the intensity? what movement or things do you do once the finger triggered orgasm arrives? Nothing I’ve tried so far really seems to bring me the deep relief I seek… and I leave my wanks or sexing sessions more frustrated than before, which sometimes feels at the opposite of what I want.

A:

Vanessa: Okay, I do not know if you’re going to like this answer because it goes against what you express wanting in your question but hear me out — what if you relied on the toy again? I guess I am curious what is so bad about relying on a sex toy to give you a lot of pleasure? You could save it for special occasions if you’re worried about being reliant on it I suppose, or you could just use it at the end of every sex session so you can enjoy the feeling of fingers/softer touch leading up to it… but what I read when I see this question is that you found something that gave you a lot of pleasure in the specific way you desired, and you’re missing that specific feeling, and you could… just have that feeling again. If you really really don’t want to go back to using a strong vibrator that is a personal decision of course, but I would really encourage you to think about why you feel so strongly about this. For some context, I would say my girlfriend and I have an amazing sex life, I feel very satisfied, I love the way she fucks me, AND — we end about 80% of our sex sessions both using the Hitatchi (yes we are a 4 Hitatchi family, lol — 2 plug-ins, 2 rechargables, goddess bless). When we use the Hitatchi it’s not because we haven’t orgasmed or because we’re unsatisfied… it’s just because like… more is more? Why not? I love orgasming, why not make myself orgasm long and hard after my girlfriend made me orgasm multiple times? I dunno, I just see toys as like, amazing additional tools in our sex toy box, so to speak, and I really support using them. THAT SAID, if you really really don’t want to go back to your vibrator, I would suggest thinking about what specifically you miss and going from there. If you like to remain very full feeling after orgasming, could a dildo or more of your partner’s fingers do the trick? If you liked the strong pressure, could you press your vulva against your partner’s thigh, against your own palm, etc? I think figuring out what specifically you loved about the feeling your vibe gave you and then seeing how you can mimic that might be the move — but again, I’m wondering, if you love the feeling your vibe gave you, why not just… use your perfect vibe?

Meg: I absolutely agree with Vanessa — toys are great, and if you have one that you know gets you off, I think that’s awesome! But since you mentioned not wanting to be dependent on this particular toy for orgasms during sex, I do think you have a few alternatives. I find that focusing on taking steady, even breaths while I’m close to climax or while I’m having an orgasm makes them deeper and more satisfying, and if you’re able to keep fucking yourself (or having your partner fuck you) through your orgasm you may get some of those delicious little after-shocks that might help alleviate that sensation of being unfinished. Alternatively, if you don’t want to rely on your toy exclusively but aren’t getting complete relief, perhaps you could bring the toy in after having a few orgasms with your partner? Using a toy in tandem with your partner or after having several orgasms already might help with those feelings of reliance, while still bringing you the relief you’re looking for.

KaeLyn: I might be reading a little much into your question, but I’m wondering what the motivation is behind the sense that your vibrator was “brutal” or, in other words, “too much” and that you felt it was impacting your ability to enjoy sex with your partner. Is that your opinion or your partner’s? Incorporating a sex toy into partnerd sex isn’t a wrong way to have sex or get off. I don’t know if this is implied in your question or not, but there are some lesbians who feel they have to get their partner off with their hands in order to be, I don’t know, hot enough, and who think vibrators and other sex toys get in the way of real lesbian connection. That’s a dated and boring way of looking at lesbian sex. Frankly, whatever gets my partner off is super sexy to me and orgasms are so different for everyone. You absolutely can train your body to orgasm in different positions, different ways, and it is also true that bodies respond differently to different types of physical and mental stimulation. So yay for experimenting to find other ways of finding pleasure, and if a vibrator is what brings you the most satisfying orgasms, there’s no reason to keep it out of your sex life. As Meg and Vanessa said, you could incorporate the vibrator as a final act in your routine if you feel like it’s getting in the way of other intimate acts, but there really is no reason to feel bad about needing a vibrator to have your deepest orgasms!

Q7:

hi, for the sex advice column:

i’m four years into a relationship and easing out of the honeymoon period and into the period of scheduling sex in order to make sure it happens despite busy lives.

which has brought new dilemmas into my life! for instance, sometimes deciding to push through tiredness and stress and saying yes to sex anyway because we scheduled, i know it’ll be nice and i’ll enjoy it once we get started, and i’ll be tired the next day but it’s important to me to sometimes prioritize sex over a perfect seven hours of sleep. okay, great. but what about when we’re already having sex in that situation, and then she wants me to get out the strapon but i’d just as soon skip it and do a quicker session and sleep more? i feel like sometimes i can communicate beforehand that i’m up for a short session but i feel like honestly most nights that’s where i’m at, more nights than i feel comfortable saying. because of course i love long thorough fuck sessions! but we only rarely manage to schedule during the day, and i don’t want to replace as much sleep with sex as she does, but i do generally want to nourish our sex life and have frequent sex!

agh help

A:

Sa’iyda: I totally understand and feel this as someone in a long term relationship. Exhaustion is so real, and it really does impede having fun, sexy times sometimes. Sleep is important too, especially if you’re the type of person who truly needs their solid hours of sleep to be a functional person the next day. That’s all very valid! Is there a way to start sex earlier in the night so that you will still get close to your seven hours? If you’re going to bed at 11pm to wake up at 6am, maybe try scheduling sex for 9:30 or 10:00 if possible. Also, this is why weekends exist if you work a typical Monday through Friday schedule. Presumably, there’s more flexibility in your morning, and you can schedule a longer sex session for a night when you know you don’t have to get up early. Talk with her about where you’re at, and I’m sure you two can come to a compromise that will leave you both very satisfied.

Vanessa: I agree with Sa’iyda — I think there’s a lot of room here for compromise! Some people just cannot give up sleep for sex, and that’s totally fine. My girlfriend and I are very much still in the honeymoon phase at 5 months into our relationship, and also, she fully refused to fuck me on our very first date because it was too late and she was too tired! I was a little bewildered, I’ll admit, as a person who will ALWAYS sacrifice sleep for sex, but when I thought about it I actually really respected it: she had clear boundaries about her needs (sleep), she was clean and vocal that she WANTED to fuck me, but she was firm that she needed 8 hours of sleep before waking up very early for work. And she asked if we could make our date earlier the next week, so we’d have ample time to fuck. HOT! We’ve had to continue negotiating scheduling stuff like this, even though like I said we’re still super in the honeymoon phase, because she just gets tired earlier than I do and needs more sleep than I do. That’s okay though! I think being honest with your girlfriend about your ability to only do short sessions on work-nights will help you in the long run, even if it feels awkward or frustrating to admit upfront — if you’re just like, “listen babe, 99% of the time I can only do a quick session on a work night, so if we want longer sessions we simply must find a different time to plan them!” I’m sure your girlfriend will be willing to find a different time of day that works for both of your needs and schedules. Also, if you’re only down for a quick session and your gf wants more, I highly recommend suggesting she masturbate and make herself orgasm more after you’re tapped out — it’s a low energy way for you to still be involved and for her to get off multiple times even when the session is short.

Nicole: I know that you and your partner have difficulty with scheduling during the day, but, hear me out. You have to just try, like really try it. What if, say, on a shared day off, you put off something like watching a movie or doing some dishes until later in the evening, when you’re zonked, and instead, use your best and brightest hours for sex? If scheduling sex feels rushed, you don’t have to schedule just sex. You can schedule time together, where you both know you’re going to check in with each other about how down for sex you’re feeling in the moment, but regardless, it’s time for intimacy, for putting down your phone, tuning out work and other obligations, and just focusing on each other. Once you create that space, and know that you all have maybe some hours ahead of you in which sex can happen, because you’ve set aside the time, and you know that you won’t be tired because you’re going to get to bed when you actually want to get to bed, then I am hopeful that some of that pressure will lift. If your partner, then, wants to replace sleep with things that aren’t sex, that don’t require your time, then she’s free to do so, but you can always just go to sleep!

Q8:

An embarrassingly simple question for the upcoming Sex Questions advice column (and then a couple of larger questions): what does sexual attraction feel like?

My wife and I haven’t had sex in years, and even we did semi-regularly have sex it was still pretty uncommon. And I’m perfectly okay with this, not because of anything wrong with her or feelings of anxiety or trauma from me. I just don’t think about it, and if I never had sex again I don’t think I’d have a lot of regrets. I assumed I just had a low libido, but I guess have more recently started to consider that it might be more asexuality (though I kind of ignorantly assumed that was always sex-repulsed as opposed to sex-ambivalent).

It’s causing issues where she wants more intimacy and I don’t feel the need for it. I read the last A+ help column that had a few questions on this so that was really helpful and something I’ll continue to think about.

So my second question to bookend things is I guess just looking for confirmation or anecdotes if the way I think about sex (or not think) sounds like how others think of asexuality?

And lastly: if I were to end up divorced in part from this, and if I were to date again, what’s the experiences of trying to date as ace? Is it a complicating factor or do most people not care? Thank you!

A:

Vanessa: For me, sexual attraction feels like a strong desire to have sex with another person. I’m a very sexual person and when I feel good chemistry and think a person is hot, I feel sexually attracted to them and want to act on it (if we both consent, obviously).

When thinking about how to answer this question, I thought long and hard about asexuality vs. low libido and I ultimately decided that as an allosexual person (opposite of asexual) I don’t feel comfortable deciding that for anyone else. I think it’s up to you to decide if a label or identity feels right to you, and if it does, it’s yours to claim. If you feel you have a low libido, that is true. If you feel you are asexual, that is true. If you feel you are gray ace or still deciding, that is true. It’s your call. Any or all labels would be okay, and if you don’t want to label yourself at all, that would be okay, too.

You haven’t asked for advice about your relationship with your wife, so I won’t offer any, but I will say without any additional context, I think there are a lot of steps between where you are now and getting a divorce! But you did ask how being ace can affect your dating life, so acknowledging that you and your wife may or may not stay together, I would say asexuality/allosexuality are just some of the many things that people see if they are/are not compatible with a date. For example, someone with a very high sex drive may not be interested in dating someone who never wants to have sex — but they also may not be interested in dating someone who wants to have sex once or twice a month, because they want it every day. The second example isn’t necessarily about allosexuality/asexuality — it’s two allosexual people who simply don’t have aligning sex drives/desires. Plenty of people have differing sex drives in their partnerships and they find ways to work with it just fine. I think it is sort of just like anything that comes up when getting to know a new date — for some people certain things are no big deal and for other people the same things are dealbreakers. If you do start dating new people you’ll have a unique experience with each one, but you won’t know what it will be like until you get there.

I’m rooting for you to figure things out and find joy and peace in your relationship with yourself and any relationships you choose to continue or begin with others!

KaeLyn: Given that you say you haven’t had sex in years, I assume this means this is either a huge problematic issue in your relationship or it’s not really a big deal at all. I say this as someone in a significantly long term monog relationship (just passed the 17 year mark), in which sex is prioritized much less than most would consider “average” and I, the one who would likely want sex more if it was more of a priority, am most days nonplused by it. There’s so much more to our intimacy as a couple than sex and, while I have the higher libido, I’m not too worried about it because we connect in other ways. I know you’re not looking for relationship advice, but I just want to say that it may be that there are paths that are not divorce and dating again, if that’s what you want. You shouldn’t assume what your wife would choose upon hearing this from you. Maybe it will be an ending, or maybe it’ll be a different kind of renewal or commitment to each other. There are lots of possibilities!

As to your actual question, there is a lust feeling that I, as an allosexual, generally feel when I think someone is hot, like a yum-yum-gimme-some reaction that starts in my brain and gets more intense from there on down. That tingly bioluminescent feeling you get when you’re crushing on someone and you hold hands or kiss for the first time. In my relationship, where things have obviously cooled after a long time, it’s more of a warm feeling of attraction mixed with familiarity, and it’s a heart feeling mixed with a sexual feeling. It’s definitely more romantic and emotional attraction and less full-on tongue-hanging-out lust. Attraction is so different for everyone, whether you’re allosexual or asexual, so that’s just my description. I hope it helps as you continue to gather info on do your own thinking on your experiences and identities!

I think as you consider whether dating again is something you want to explore, I want to reassure you that being ace is no longer unusual in queer spaces. Finding other asexual people who might be interested in a relationship is no longer an extremely hard thing to do. I don’t know enough from first person experience about dating allosexuals while ace to give good advice, but as someone who dated as bi, I’m sure there are stereotypes out there, and some allosexual people who will weaponize them against asexual people. And I’m sure there are also some allosexuals for whom it might be a dealbreaker and definitely soom for whom it wouldn’t be! Especially in the younger generation, asexuality is increasingly common as an identity, and the trend is moving overall towards more acceptance of asexuals in queer spaces and places, generally. Best of luck wherever your path takes you next!

Nicole: Okay, because you asked what asexuality feels like, I’m going to do what others did here and talk about what allosexuality feels like because I can’t really speak to the ace experience. And again, it varies so much between folks! When I was reading Ace by Angela Chen, she described allosexual people as being sexually attracted to people, sometimes, regardless of how we feel about them. For me, as an allo person, sexual attraction is certainly tied to liking someone’s personality, and it can certainly be diminished by being turned off by someone’s personality or actions, but it’s also its own independent thing. In my younger, less consequence-driven days, I’ve even gone as far as having sex with people who I didn’t really like (and who didn’t really like me lol) just because…we wanted to and we were consenting adults, albeit ones with poor judgement? Similarly, in time periods in my life where I haven’t had sex, I’ve felt a drive and a need for it, which, again, is not something I think everyone experiences, or experiences to equal degrees. As a concrete example of immediate sexual attraction, when I first saw my current girlfriend, I immediately wanted to make out with her, as soon as I shook her hand. So, it’s a very sudden, visceral thing for me, almost like being consumed with hunger after smelling some delicious food, so that it becomes very front-of-mind, a point of high focus, if that makes sense. I hope that’s helpful!!

Okay, so, that being said, I would encourage you, should you be dating again, not to be afraid of getting out there, as your whole self. Honesty is best! AND THAT being said, again, you didn’t ask for marriage advice, but I am wishing you luck in bringing this discussion and this journey you’re on to the surface in your relationship. I hope that you and your wife can find a way to talk this through as partners, as people seeking something that will work for the both of you, whether that’s separation or figuring out how you both can get your needs met within the relationship.

Q9:

Hi! I like having sex with my girlfriend, and also I’d like to keep finding new things to do with her. Currently, we do a lot with vibrators, and we do some penetration with fingers/ dildos/ strap ons/ just got that thigh harness y’all mentioned. What else is out there in the wide world of queer sex? Xoxoxo

A:

Vanessa: Oh my gosh hi! There is so much out there! There’s probably a lot of stuff I don’t even know about (which is amazing, and I look forward to learning more fun sex secrets for the rest of my life). I’ll share some of my favorites that I think you might enjoy exploring, though! (Also, obsessed with the fact that you got the thigh harness Shelli mentioned — fuck yeah, Shelli!) I personally love being restrained, so I’d recommend checking out all sorts of restraint systems: cuffs, under the bed restraints, and rope are all great things to explore (but make sure you read up on rope safety in particular before tying anyone up, please!). Also love a good blind fold. Dressing up can be very fun, whether you’re into specific role plays or just a very hot lingerie situation. I’m also a big fan of impact play, and paddles/floggers are very fun and also can be really beautiful! Watch porn together! Go to a sex toy shop or browse one online and see what strikes your fancy! Shout out to butt plugs! Huge shout out to nipple clamps, goddess bless! HAVE FUN OUT THERE XOXOXOXO.

Ro: I love Vanessa’s ideas and enthusiasm! You said that you’re already playing around with penetration. I’m not sure which hole(s) you’re penetrating, but I feel obligated to state that if you haven’t entered the back door yet, you should try some butt stuff! Vanessa already recommended butt plugs, and there are also so many other ways to appreciate an ass! Rim each other. Put fingers in butts. Use a strong vibrator on the outside of each other’s butts. Fuck each other’s butts with a strap-on. If one or both of you are vulva-owners, try double penetration. Butts provide sensory delights that are often under-explored, so if you have an inkling to get in there, go for it! Remember that butts do not self-lubricate, so you should always use lube for any internal ass play. And if you’re nervous about encountering your partner’s shit (or if you’re nervous about your partner encountering yours), use dental dams for rimming and use gloves for hand stuff so you can relax those booty muscles and fully enjoy the experience.

Meg: So many good suggestions already! Enthusiastically affirming the suggestions for bondage / restraints and impact play, and especially for blindfolds. They completely change the dynamic and make everything feel more intense, and you probably already own a sleep mask or something else you can use for this! Going to a sex shop together is really fun, especially if you make a date out of it — you can note things that you want to learn more about, pick up some things to try together, and then go home and USE THEM. It’s like hours of foreplay, plus you learn a lot more about what you and your partner might be into, or want to try in the future.

Also check out toys or objects that offer different sensations: ice, massage or drip candles (start with ones that are specifically designed for wax play as they have a lower melting point), pinwheels, feathers or pom poms, or products that can stimulate arousal like CBD suppositories. ASMR or erotic audio can also be a fun thing to try out, as well as watching porn together. And lingerie / sexy outfits / roleplay can be integrated into literally anything, just as a cherry on top. You’re doing great!

Shelli: I can’t imagine what I can add to all the suggestions from the hotties above (other than being happy as they are that you got the thigh harness) I think it would be hot to also read erotica to each other! Maybe while reading the other can be touching and teasing themselves and at the end of the story you can tear each other apart. It could also be sexy to listen to erotica too while teasing and touching each other through the story, maybe even using it as a guide and playing along! Happy fucking!

Q10:

I’ve been trying to get some advice on this for a while. I use a strap with my partner and have for years. I know that she would like to use one on me but my doctor told me a few years ago, “You’re just really small down there,” which is something I kinda knew from previous pap exams. They’ve always sucked. So I’ve shied away from penetration in general aside from a tongue. Took me awhile to get to it but my question is, are their smaller dildos out there on the market that can be used in a strap? Thanks so much. -M

A:

Vanessa: There are definitely smaller dildos out there that can be used in a strap! I have to be honest, I am not personally familiar with any off the top of my head so I don’t want to recommend one in specific (and also one person’s small is another person’s large, etc etc, so I don’t want to make assumptions about the size you’re looking for), BUT a quick search on the Babeland website showed me a LOT of size options for different dildos. My recommendation is to either browse Babeland or visit your local sex toy shop and see what kind of dildos they have available — online they will specify which O-ring sizes the dildos work with, and in store you can ask a sales associate. Also keep in mind that many harnesses allow you to switch out different size O-rings, so even if one O-ring is too large for a specific dildo, you’ll likely be able to get a smaller O-ring to solve the problem. ALSO just want to say, which I’m sure you know but I like to emphasize: you absolutely do not NEED to work up to penetration if YOU don’t want to, no matter what your partner might want. You didn’t imply that your partner is pressuring you and I do want to honor and respect that actual question you asked, which is why I gave my whole spiel about dildos and O-rings, haha, but no where in the actual question did you state that YOU want to be penetrated, so I just want to make sure you know that if you don’t want that, it’s 100% okay!

Ro: I second Vanessa’s advice: yes, there are smaller dildos out there, but also if you don’t want to be penetrated with a strap-on, you absolutely don’t have to do it — no matter how much you think your girlfriend would enjoy it. However, if you want to try penetration because you are curious and you want to experience all the internal wonders that sex toys and strap-ons have to offer, I have some thoughts.

I was also once told by a doctor that I had a “small vagina.” While it’s true that vaginas range in depth, the vaginas of lifelong vagina-owners are “potential space,” meaning that to a point, they expand to accommodate the girth of what’s inside. If you’re a lifelong vagina-owner and your vagina isn’t wanting to accept girth (and it sounds like that’s the issue), it’s probably not “small” — it’s most likely tight. When I learned that I did not, in fact, have a “small vagina” and that my pelvic floor muscles were just really, really tight, I started regularly massaging the inside of my vagina with a finger (and later with an Njoy Pure Wand when I could tolerate it) and used a set of dilators for a few months. A lot of people think that dilators are just for folks who have vaginismus or folks who’ve had gender-confirming surgery, but they’re actually great tools for anyone who wants to work their way towards girthier horizons. Look for a silicone dilator set with round, flat bases — some dilators can double as harnessable dildos.

After I used dilators, I was able to handle much larger toys, and now vaginal penetration is a regular and very enjoyable part of my sex life. Using lots of lube helps, and if you’re open to using CBD, I highly recommend Foria’s CBD Intimacy Melts or Relief Melts, which have helped my pelvic floor muscles relax.

Q11:

Autostraddle I need help! Twice now whilst fingering my girlfriend more aggressively I have slipped out and accidentally jabbed her clit! It is terrible and always happens at exactly the wrong moment and extremely kills the mood. How do I stop this from happening? Do I need to build up more strength? Have a better/different angle? Not be so clumsy???? Both times she has just laughed it off but I still feel badly for hurting her and making things end prematurely without getting her off. Thanks for any advice you have!

A:

Vanessa: This happens sometimes! It is a bummer, I totally get it, but sometimes we slip up (literally, figuratively, both, etc) during sex and someone gets a clit jabbed! It happens, especially during rough or like, extremely vigorous sex, ya know? I don’t know that the answer is building up more strength… I do think changing up angles might be a good idea! Maybe if you want to finger her really aggressively you could have her get on all fours so if your hand slips out her clit isn’t like, right there? I don’t know what y’all specifically like or what your bodies are into when it comes to positions, so YMMV/you may have to experiment a bit, but I think it’s worth seeing if that helps. Also, this sounds a little dorky but I find when I’m *really* fucking my girlfriend aggressively, I have to concentrate? Like I just concentrate very hard on the motion and that helps me. I’m also wondering if this happens again in the future if you’d be able to get back into the mood? It definitely sucks to get your clit jabbed but even when I’ve had mishaps during sex, I’ve still wanted to orgasm after I’m done laughing/rubbing my sore body part/etc etc… could you accept that sometimes things go awry but you can still make your girlfriend orgasm even if things don’t go exactly according to plan?

Ro: Vanessa is right — this does happen sometimes! It probably happens to everyone who regularly finger-fucks. It still happens to me, and I’ve been finger-fucking vaginas for half my life. You are not clumsy — you’re just a person providing pleasure in a slippery environment.

That said, I have a couple of ideas that might help:

1. Try keeping your fingers in a curved shape so you’re pressing against the front wall of your partner’s vagina. This helps your fingers “hook in,” which might prevent them from sliding out and smashing into your partner’s clit (and you’ll be stimulating the internal portion of your partner’s clit).

2. Use more fingers if your partner wants that. In my experience, one finger can slip out pretty easily, but if you’re using two or three or four, your partner’s pelvic floor muscles can more easily squeeze around them and keep them in place.

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