Welcome to the 6th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column bi-monthly.
We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!
Q1.
Friends, I think it’s about time I left the Bay Area, but I don’t know where I want to go next! I want a work challenge (I’m a researcher and a policy human), I wanna be near queer women who might want to date me, I want to ride my bike at least some of the year, I like trees, and it’d be nice not to be lonely! Where have you lived that you’ve loved/please just tell me what to do with my life?
A.
Archie: I live in Minneapolis and I love it! There’s a fun and active queer scene with a bunch of different ways to meet people (Book clubs! Theater! Drag and burlesque shows! Multiple gay bars! Leather groups! Weird experimental shows! Places to volunteer!). I’m not sure if you’d find a good work challenge or not – I know nothing about that type of work here. Minneapolis is a nice mix of city and not-city, lots of parks and lakes and an easy drive to get out of town if that’s important to you. Biking is awesome here and if you’re up for the challenge of winter-biking, could be a year-round activity!
KaeLyn: I love living in a mid-side city in Upstate NY. We’ve got four seasons, a decent amount of cool spaces and places. We’re close enough to Toronto or New York City for easy weekend trips. We have a major research university, the University of Rochester, which also happens to be one of the largest employers in the area. I like it a lot! Honestly, though, I think home is where you put your roots down. I don’t know if changing the city you live in changes how you, like, interact with the world. Maybe it could! For sure! It can definitely feel like a fresh start! But, like, the part where you have to put yourself out there to meet people and seek out your people is going to be the same wherever you land.
Heather: Salt Lake City! No, listen! I know, I know, with the Mormons — but SLC proper is actually super progressive and there are loads of queer people doing queer stuff and lots of events and festivals and so many ways to be outdoors and near trees. You can ride your bike in the city itself, no problem; it’s the bike-friendliest city I’ve ever been to in the U.S. And you’re always only like ten minutes from some seriously good hiking and mountain biking and skiing and kayaking. I hope to retire to SLC, I really do.
Q2.
I just moved to a new city and it is the Gay Capital and even though I have made a few cool pals I feel very alone! Most of the people I interact with are straight! When do I get the magical group of queer friends I hoped I would find! Why do all of the straight people here misgender me!
A.
Archie: I’m sorry about all the misgendering! That sucks and you’d think people would do better in the Gay Capital! Have you looked into joing any queer-specific groups? Bonus points if it’s a group that’s about something you’re interested in. I suggest looking into a queer book club, checking out to see if there’s any queer-specific classes being offered by your local sex shop, finding a LGBTQ Improve Class, a gay gaming group, etc etc! Also, I’ve seen folks have good luck by simply posting in their local Queer Exchange asking for suggestions on where to go/local groups they could join! ALSO ALSO, you could see if this Gay Capital has an Autostraddle group on Facebook and organize a meet-up of some sort! Good luck!
KaeLyn: I second the suggestion to find or start an Autostraddle group, especially around our next major meet-up event! Our folks tend to be better about the misgendering and general awfulness. Since it’s a Gay Capital, I feel like there are definitely AS readers there! I was hesitant to start one in my little city which is not a Gay Capital and I found out a lot of folks really wanted to connect with other AS readers. It’s taken on a life of its own and I’m so glad I did it! I hope you find your people soon! I’d also like to say that almost 100% of my queer friendships are online. I have had a hard time finding and keeping my queer fam IRL, but my online queer fam is just as important and beautiful and amazing! So…no shame in finding your peeps in virtual spaces instead of in-person ones. ❤️ ya!
Heather: I’m also sorry about the misgendering; that’s terrible. I second what KaeLyn and Archie have said and also would add: If it’s the Gay Capital, maybe you could go to some just general group activities for things you like to do — cycling or painting or cooking or D&D or reading or volunteering — and probably there will be queer people there! I have found, generally, that I have better luck making friends when I meet queer people in spaces where my hobbies are taking place rather than just meeting queer people at queer places, ’cause sometimes the only thing I have in common with them is we’re both queer. (Which isn’t nothing, of course! But it takes a special kind of person to want to talk about television and video games as much as I do.)
Q3.
Hey team. I’ve been together with my partner for two years and we deeply love and care for each other, but our sex life is not so great. The less we make love, the more the pressure builds, the more the pressure builds, the less relaxed we are, the more things go wrong, etc. So I was thinking of looking into tantra, to take our time and kind of get slooowly back into good feelings. But I have no idea where to start! Any of you curious or competent on the matter?
A.
Rachel: Competent might be a strong word here, but I am gently wondering based on this question whether the issue is strictly with your sex life or if it’s rooted in some relationship stuff happening outside the bedroom; it sounds like the feelings you’re having around sex aren’t just low libido from either of you but some anxiety and stress! If those things are an element in your relationship outside of bed, I’m not sure tantra or a bedroom-specific strategy is the way to go, but maybe! I think you are probably already aware that a good idea also is to like, talk to your partner, and ask if they’re also feeling the same thing and come up with a plan together about what could make things feel different. Also this great advice piece Christina wrote for us isn’t exactly what you’re asking, but I think might be resonant!
KaeLyn: I don’t have the great advice on how to spice it up that you may be hoping for.want. I just want to say that it’s normal for your libido to wane after being with the same person for a long time. In fact, it’s really normal among straight and queer people and, like, humans in general. There’s nothing wrong with you or your partner. It can be the kind of thing that causes a huge divide in a relationship, though, if you don’t talk about it. So prioritize talking about it with your partner. See how they’re feeling. See what you think might work for both of you. Also, really try to hear me on this that it’s completely normal. It can be indicative of a bigger problem, for sure. It can also just be a thing that happens after a couple years of being in a relationship and then you have to decide how you are going to talk about it and figure it out.
Heather: I’m not competent about tantra, but I am competent about being in a long-term relationship with an ebbing and flowing sex life! Stacy and I have been together eight years and during that time we’ve gone through phases of having sex all the time without a moment’s notice to phases of being like, “should we try to schedule sex the weekend of April 27th, when we’re both finally off work?” The key, for us, is making sure we’re talking about it. If it’s been a minute since we’ve had sex, one or both of us will say, “I just want to check in. I know it’s been a few weeks since we’ve had sex because I’ve been sick/anxious/depressed/busy/low libido for whatever reason — but I just want to make sure you know I love you and love having sex with you. How are you feeling about this thing?” I think not talking about it is when things have the potential to get weird because that’s when your insecurities start playing games with your brain. If even communicating about your sex life/lack of sex life is a struggle, I cannot recommend talking to a therapist together strongly enough. I have found couples’ therapy to be such a wonderful experience. It puts you on a team with your partner, facing a challenge together (instead of facing off against each other) with a person trained to help diffuse super charged situations. Good luck! I’m rooting for you!
Q4.
I’m 29 years old and this time last year I was in a relationship with a guy, but I now know that I’m definitely gay. I’m delighted that I figured it out but I’m really embarrassed that it took me so long. Like I’ve always thought girls are more attractive than guys, but I thought that was how everyone felt. I hate getting hit on by guys, I hate going on dates with guys and I hate having sex with guys. How did I think I was straight for so long!??? I feel like I finally belong somewhere, but I’m also completely lost and lonely at the same time because I’m ashamed that I didn’t see this coming and I didn’t know myself. I don’t have any gay friends yet so I have no one to ask if this is a normal way to feel. Is it normal?
Molly: Hi! First of all, let me say welcome to being gay! It’s really cool and fun, and there are a ton of folks who would love to sit next to you at lunch. Secondly, everything you’re feeling is normal, because there is no normal when it comes to this stuff! I’m going to take a shot in the dark and say you thought you were straight forever because we live in a heteronormative world where we are taught kids are hetero or gtfo. Also, if you’re from a rural area or don’t live in a city, there’s probably less visible queer representation. So if you’re a kid and you’ve never been allowed to think about yourself as anything other than straight, why WOULD you start to assume you’re something else, especially if all your friends are straight and everyone you know is straight?
Another thing is, once the furor of figuring out how gay you are dies down (again, congratulations!) you’ll have the space in your heart and mind to think back on your life and realize how you were gay all along, and probably knew it somewhere, even if that somewhere was just “hmm but girls are so much hotter than guys.” You’ll get to know yourself on a new level, which is one of the gifts of queerness. Feeling lost is normal, feeling lonely — especially without queer friends! — is normal, and not knowing everything about yourself is normal. I surprise myself all the time with what I thought I would be like and then what I’m actually like. I don’t like surprises much, but I’ve come to accept that this is part of life, and as such is as normal as anything else. Shame is a big feeling, and it’s a tough one to wrestle with, but I hope you can get to a point where you feel pride in discovering your true self and having the guts to acknowledge and accept it. Because I’m proud of you for that, it’s hard!
KaeLyn: You’re very, very normal! It’s totally normal to figure out that you’re gay at 29 or even at 92. Like, yeah, we’re hard-programmed from literally birth to think that we’re going to grow up cis and straight. Many people never question it in their whole lives. You did question it and figured out something about yourself and that’s amazing! I’m so happy for you!
Natalie: I think anytime we discover something new about ourselves, there’s an impulse to kick ourselves for not having discovered it sooner. That said, I hope that you’ll let that shame and regret go, Reader, because none of it is your fault. It’s a society that exalts patriarchy and heteronormativity above all else, that had you enduring all those that time with men. You’ve carried the weight of their expectations for far too long already so don’t let those things continue to weigh you down. You’ve still got a lifetime ahead of you… and now you get to spend it being gay AF. That’s a cause for celebration, not shame.
Q5.
I am actively out to a handful of friends/coworkers. I have explicitly told them that I am gay. I like to say that I am passively out to everyone else – as in, I have not told them explicitly that I am gay, but I’ve stopped trying very hard to hide it. I still get super uncomfortable and awkward in the moment during situations such as using pronouns of people I date, etc. around the people that I am passively out to. I suppose that indicates I am still working on being comfortable with being “passively out.”
Being out still feels like a very personal thing to me. I often wonder if people I am “passively” out to have been told that I am gay by someone that I am “actively” out to. I’d like to be in control of who knows my sexuality. The thought in my head is almost, “I haven’t explicitly told you I’m gay, therefore, you don’t get to know.” When does feeling that go away? It’s getting tiring! Will it go away once I’m finally comfortable being out around anyone and everyone? Why should I care if a friend tells another friend that I’m gay?! Why does it matter?! Maybe it doesn’t?
A.
KaeLyn: Actually, I think it means that you’re living through the constant emotional labor of coming out over and over and over because of deeply ingrained heteronormativity in our world. Like, you’re fine. It’d be more uncomfortable if you were just running around screaming that you’re gay to every person you meet. It’s the heterosexist world that’s making it uncomfortable for you. It’s not on you that you feel that way. Being forced to either be invisible or hyper-visible because people assume you’re straight is not something you ever to be comfortable with. TL/DR: It’s not you. It’s the straight people that take up all the space around you.
Al(aina): It doesn’t sound like you’re uncomfortable being gay really, just that you don’t want everybody knowing your business, and that’s fine! People are nosey; we live in the future where we know everything about everyone, and sometimes it seems like if you’re not telling everyone you meet that you’re a big old queer, then you’re doing something wrong. You’re not! A. Your friends should not be telling people you’re gay because like, wow, that’s not their business! B. It maybe feels weird because you should be the only person who decides what parts of you get shared with the world. Like, I barely put my pronouns anywhere except professional settings, because people don’t need to talk about me if I’m not there, so they don’t need to know my pronouns, you know?! Your sexuality, your rules. I think you’re super comfortable being gay, I just think you don’t like people knowing your business without your permission, and to be honest, same!
Valerie Anne I remember feeling that way in the beginning, like someone else made a decision for me without me getting to assess whether it was safe or not to come out to this third party. But eventually I learned to trust my friends to make smart decisions for me; they weren’t going to go up to people in MAGA hats and tell them I was gay, yaknow? I think for me the biggest shift in that mindset came for me when I had been out for months, maybe even more than a year, when I went to have dinner with my family and a family we’ve been close to since before I was born. One of my mother’s best friends. And it became very apparent to me at one point during the dinner that no one had told them I was gay. When I confronted my mother about it later, she said, “It didn’t come up” in a way that I could tell meant she was embarrassed. (Because she sure didn’t jump in during the dinner convo either.) So then suddenly I wasn’t viewing my friends as sharing my personal info without my permission as much as them not seeing it as a big deal. And now I’m at the point where I’m so passively out that when I meet a coworker’s spouse that DOESN’T know, I am shocked. THAT SAID I agree with Al and if it ISN’T something you want people sharing without your explicit permission, that’s totally fair and doesn’t mean you’re uncomfortable.
Q6.
Hi, I am looking for any advice. I love most of my wife’s friends, but they have one person whom they’ve been friends with for a very long time who makes me anxious and feel unsafe (my wife knows this, and we are talking about it). The friend has no idea.
The reasons I don’t like the friend are: she didn’t support my wife’s bisexuality back in University (3-4 years ago), told them they looked way better with long hair, made out with them then said that this was hilarious, and largely contributed to a situation where my wife felt uncomfortable with exploring their identity until they met me. My wife has never told the friend any of this.
Once, when we met at a party, the friend didn’t know who I was and I had to awkwardly introduce myself. Afterwards, my wife said it was because the friend thought I was too pretty to be my wife’s girlfriend. Fast forward a year and a half later, when my wife phoned to tell her we were getting married, the friend got really upset! She couldn’t believe this and didn’t know me well enough! Ultimately, she came around and gave us a very generous wedding gift. I feel anxious whenever hanging out with this friend comes up. I don’t know what to do. It’s important to my wife that I am able to spend time with her (the friend). I would appreciate your help.
A.
KaeLyn: This friend sounds like a really passive-aggressive and possibly emotionally abusive person? Like, who makes someone else’s wedding announcement about them? After they’ve mocked them for being bi? Yikes! It sounds like your instincts are right on. I get that your wife wants you to hang with this friend, but, honestly, you don’t have to, especially if it feels unsafe to you. You get to decide who you spend time with and how you protect your personal boundaries, even when it comes to your wife and your wife’s friends. Look, I have friends who my spouse specifically doesn’t want to hang with just because they don’t have much in common and that’s fine with me! We can have different friends. You are your wife can have different friends. Honestly, your wife’s friend sounds like a crappy person who also maybe is really truly mean and nasty? It may not be something your wife is ready to see or deal with, but, like, you don’t have any obligation to enable this friendship. I’d continue talking to your wife and let her know that you love her and won’t stop her from hanging with her friend, but that you really don’t want to be there when they’re around. If your wife respects your personal boundaries, she’ll understand.
Also, like, there’s this lesbian pressure to be one big happy queer family and as a bi person who has dated cis straight guys I can tell you this does not exist in the hetero world. Hence, the “man cave” and “girls’ night” as a hallmark or straight platonic bonding culture. Ya’ll don’t need to go to that extreme, but like, you’re separate people and you can have separate friends! You can hang out and do different things with different people in your free time! You can like different people! You can have different hobbies! You don’t have to share every single relationship in your life! Just because this person means something to your wife doesn’t mean you need to be close to them, too.
Heather: Let me just wholeheartedly agree with KaeLyn. This person sounds like someone you and your wife should stay as far away from as possible.
Q7.
I’m a German. In the summer of 2016, I came to Portland, OR for two weeks. I met a girl and we instantly fell in love. I went back home, we continued messaging and visited each other, and then in April 2017 I moved to the USA. We’re still together, and really damn happy! We’re even buying engagement rings for each other!
But also: I hate America. So fucking much. It’s The Bad Place. Vegetables are insanely expensive, poverty is everywhere, and white young people are stuck in this weird bubble of privilege. I want to go back to Europe! And my girlfriend agrees! We’ve created a plan to move back to Germany in 2020 – she’s applying for a Fulbright, and my job is 100% remote so they’ve already signed off on this decision! The only problem is… I’m really scared. Moving to America was a brutal cultural shock for me, and I had already lived abroad before. My girlfriend has never lived anywhere except the Pacific Northwest. I’m asking her to move to this strange country where they speak a different language (she’s learning, but still). Anyway, I’m terrified we’re going to move, and she’s going to realize she doesn’t love me enough to deal with Germans. Any advice? We leave in about 13–18 months.
A.
Mika: Yoooo I feel this so much. I’ve been in similar situations because I’m also not American and have fallen in love with people in my home country as well as here and immigration is hard and America is awful and you’re right vegetables are insanely expensive and they ain’t even that good here?
All I can probably advise you to think about is that even though you have some anxieties around this, some of the stuff you want to control, you just can’t. When people leave their bubble, and especially when they move to a different country, everyone goes through a different set of trials and tribulations, I mean you know this, you moved away from your country. All you can do is support your girlfriend through the transition to the best of your ability. Understand now that she’s making a change to be with you in a place that feels probably most comfortable to you also. She’s trying to metaphorically and probably also figuratively speak your language. In this process know that you have the upper hand so just be ready to support her in any way you can.
If it ends up not working out for her, I am sure you can have a conversation then and figure out next steps together, communication and checking specially in the first months is crucial. My point being, that the best you can do right now is prepare yourself to be relied on for a minute, since it will probably be a little bit before she starts making a life/connections of her own at this new place. Trust in her ability to make this decision for herself to move there with you. Be kind and patient. Listen, if she’s going with you she wants to! So trust the process! And just remember to communicate.
Natalie: So, at this particular moment, with this particular administration, it’s hard for me to muster up a lot of defense for America. Vegetables are insanely expensive, poverty is everywhere and white young people are stuck in this weird bubble of privilege. But, as someone who’s half-German, who’s lived in the country and speaks the language, I can tell you this about Germany: it’s not really that different. To quote the Judge from The Good Place, “Earth is a mess, y’all,” Germany included.
That said, it’s understandable that you’d be nervous, but I hope you’re encouraged by the fact that your relationship has thrived as you’ve dealt with the cultural shock of an international move. Your love has made it this far, there’s no reason to doubt that you can both persevere through this challenge. Think about the things you wish you would’ve known about American culture and make sure you’re preparing her well for what she can expect in Germany. Keep the communication between you open and honest and set a timeline to re-evaluate your decision. Viel Glück!
Q8.
I’m a bisexual cis woman in my late 20s. I’ve been with my current partner (a cis guy) for almost six years. We live together, and, lately, the abstract idea of marriage has been tossed around. I love him a lot. We’re compatible in many ways, he’s very supportive, and also I find him very attractive!
The thing is, sometimes – especially if things are tense with us – I get what I think of as “bisexual FOMO.” What if I’m in this relationship forever and that closes the door to any romantic relationships with women/femme-identified people?
We’re both monogamous, so solutions involving polyamory or three-ways are pretty much out of the question. Honestly, I feel guilty for even wondering these things! (And I would never cheat! Any time I even dream about kissing someone else, the dream transforms into a nightmare where I’m confessing to my partner and living through the horrible consequences. So!)
In my heart, I know that a loving, supportive partner in hand is worth a bunch of stranger kisses in the bush (came out dirtier than I intended!). I just need some reassurance. Is some degree of FOMO present in all relationships? Am I a cruel, unfaithful mind cheater for wondering this at all?
A.
Rachel: I am not sure this answer is what you want, exactly, but I will do what I can!
In brief: everyone does have some degree of FOMO or at least awareness of what life could have been like if things were different and it doesn’t always mean that relationship isn’t right for you; you are not at all cruel or unfaithful for wondering about the implications of the fact that you are attracted to women and in a monogamous relationship with a man. Many, many bisexual women in the situation you’re in feel this way; many of them write in to this website with this question! Although I hear this mostly from bisexual women with men, it’s not a uniquely bisexual phenomenon and definitely doesn’t make you “bad;” there are plenty of straight people and lesbians who also have what-if fantasies, or that one person from their past where what-if-things-were-different-but-they-aren’t-different, or who love their partner who likes X kind of sex so much but will always kind of miss Y kind of sex. Some people will break up with their partners for those reasons and be happy; some will stay and also be happy; some will break up with their partners for unrelated reasons (that’s what I did when I was a bisexual woman in a relationship with a cis man! We both survived).
If what you want is reassurance that FOMO doesn’t definitively mean you are making a huge mistake, I can give that to you! People experience it for all kinds of reasons. If you want my commiseration that “a loving, supportive partner in hand is worth a bunch of stranger kisses in the bush” — I cannot necessarily give that to you! Relationships and desire are complicated and deeply personal and also are capable of bringing a lot of joy; they can’t be quantified like that. What it sounds like you’re saying is “if I have a good thing I shouldn’t mess it up, right? Because I can’t get a guarantee of a good thing again after that?” and that doesn’t read as a FOMO issue, it’s more a fear of what it would mean to want what you want issue. Do you want a loving, supportive partner in a long-term relationship? Is part of what you feel you’re missing out on the experience of casual dating or trying new things/people? If a fairy godmother could wave a magic wand and promise you that you would have what you want again, maybe with a girl, outside this relationship, would you feel differently about it? Not to make things worse, but in the same way that sometimes people cheat to cheat and sometimes people cheat just as a way to leave, sometimes FOMO is more than FOMO. When I was married, it wasn’t other people I had FOMO for, but I’d find myself thinking how nice it would be to get to travel alone, go on a trip by myself, live alone again someday — I told myself I was just missing particular kinds of independence and solitude that I associated with being single, but actually I just didn’t want to be married anymore. I’m not saying that’s what’s happening for you, but something to think about! This kind of thing you can’t logic out, unfortunately, or convince yourself of; the only way to do it is to think about how it makes you feel in your gut when you imagine staying with this person indefinitely, and how it makes you feel when you imagine the possibility of doing something else.
KaeLyn: Agreed on all Rachel perfectly wrote. Like, yeah, all of that. Also, “mind-cheating” is not something you need to feel shame around. I mean, you obviously do and getting rid of shame isn’t as easy as waving a magic wand so you can enjoy your dream kisses. It sounds more like you have a lot of pent up guilt about wanting or wondering about sex with other people and some of that may be tied up in some internalized biphobia feelings. When you’re attracted to other straight cis guys, do you feel as bad about it as when you’re attracted to women or femmes? Are there some internalized shame stigmas affecting how you feel about “mind-cheating” with women and femmes specifically? Do you feel like you can’t call yourself a “real bisexual” unless you go to bed with some women and queer femmes?
I also want to say that it’s valid to feel like you need to experience different kinds of sexual relationships in order to be fulfilled. That’s an OK feeling to have. It is NOT selfish. I wouldn’t have been as happy if I hadn’t tried having sexual relationships with people of the same gender and different genders. I’m not in that place now and I’m in a monogamous relationship again, but I did legitimately feel that way when I had only had straight cis male partners. In my last relationship with such a person, I had a lot of FOMO and it turned out I really did want to and need to find queer partners to feel satisfied personally. In retrospect, that’s the cold hard truth for me. I can’t tell you what the truth is for you! No matter what, you are a very valid and real bisexual person and I see you and you belong here!
Q9.
What’s a normal timeline to get over an ex? I dated someone for six months before she ended it and I’m surprised by the weight of the grief. Also, there are more kind, sweet, and talented QPOCs to date out there, right? Right?
A.
Al(aina): Oh babe, there’s no timeline for grief. It took me almost three years before I felt good enough to date after a one year relationship. Shit’s wild out there! Feel those feelings as long as you want and need to. To answer your second question, there are tons of kind, sweet, and talented QPOCs waiting to date you, but you have to go do some of the finding. And I bet if you’re deep in grief, you’re also real cozy at home in your fuzzy slippers with your hair wrapped up. So maybe get your bffs to rally and go out one night, and then maybe another night if you’re up to it, and then before you know it, you will have gone out from Thursday to Sunday three weeks in a row and now you’re making out with a new QTPOC (you gotta say “cutie poc”)! Bing, bam, boom, you’re over it!
Natalie: There is no such thing as a normal timeline to get over an ex. I’ve seen people recover from the break-up of their multi-year relationships in a few weeks and others mourn relatively short relationships for longer than they lasted. Everyone has their own path to healing from heartbreak and you needn’t add the hurdle of thinking you’re taking too long to recover to that path. Take your time, grieve your loss and don’t feel bad about a second of it. And when you emerge from your grieving period, with a clearer idea of who you are and what you want in a relationship, you’ll be ready to get out there and mingle with some amazing QPOC.
Reneice: There will ALWAYS be more kind, sweet, talented QTPOC out there to date. We are not going anywhere! But as my friends above mentioned, wait till you’ve taken all the time you need which is a time unique to you that shouldn’t be rushed or judged. You deserve every minute of healing you need.
Q10.
I like the same girl as my straight guy best friend. Here’s the thing: she never talks about her feelings, by which I mean no one has ever heard her say she has a crush. Most of my friends suspect she might be gay and I’ll admit she pings a bit. She sends me pictures from Ruby Rose’s Instagram very often, sends me random cartoons that are funny so I’ll laugh, talks to me about her mental health issues and sent me a slam poetry called “Dear Straight People.” We had a weird moment while on a camping trip with all our friends recently. So a lot of signs are pointing to gay! My straight guy best friend also thinks she likes me, BUT:
- When he asked me if I liked her I lied and said no. I lied and kids, lying seems to always be a pretty bad idea.
- What if she’s just looking for a gay friend/mentor to help her come out?? I’m the out-est and proudest in my friend group, so it’d make sense if she just wanted support. (Maybe I’m just reading too much into things??)
- If she is gay/bi/queer, I don’t wanna push her to do anything and/or come out before she’s ready.
- If she likes me I’d be in a horrible, terrible position because my guy best friend told me if we both liked the same girl and I started dating her, it would seriously damage our friendship. I really don’t want that BUT I mean if she liked me back I would want to date her…
- Up until that weird moment on the camping trip she’d hug me and casually touch me a lot, but ever since she’s pretty much… stopped?? What if she thinks I’m not interested? I definitely don’t want that!!
I don’t know what to do about the girl who might or might not be queer and my best friend who also likes her. Why does everything have to be so complicated??
A.
Natalie: There’s a lot about this situation that you can’t control – namely whether this girl is gay or into you – but the one thing that you can control is being honest with your straight best friend. Tell him how you feel about her and apologize for not being candid sooner. Not only will it free you from the burden of having to lie to your friend, it also allows him to truly be a friend to you. If he’s already willing to acknowledge that she’s probably into you and he sees how into her you truly are, maybe he’ll be a bit more amenable to the idea of you and her being together.
After that, you can go back and talk to the girl. Maybe instead of framing the conversation around the “do you like me” question, you ask about the distance between you since the camping trip. It’s a good way to reaffirm the closeness between you without pressuring her to come out before she’s ready to make that pronouncement on her own.
Q11.
Hello! I met this girl on a dating app. We got along really well on the first date, but I really wasn’t attracted to her, so I was like “I am not dating right now but I would like to be your friend!” However, as I’ve spent more time with her and gotten to know her better, I’ve found that I actually don’t even want to be her friend – she talks over me, she’s been reluctant to let me pay when we have a drink together (which is a huge pet peeve of mine), she keeps telling me about things I just HAVE to do or watch, repeatedly, even after I’ve told her multiple times I’m not interested in them.
I hate lying to say “I’m busy, sorry” when I’m not actually busy, especially because we live in a pretty small city so there’s a healthy chance I’ll get caught in a lie, but I feel like a terrible person for saying I’ll be friends with someone and then wanting to backtrack! I don’t know how to say “I don’t think we’re friend compatible either” – is that even a thing people can say? I’ve got loads of really wonderful, excellent friendships that bring me lots of joy and I’d rather pour my energy into those than spend a bunch of time with someone whom I usually feel worse after seeing. I guess my question is: is it alright to stop being friends with someone you said you’d be friends with? Is there a polite way of friend-breaking-up with a new friend who you’re just not compatible with? I’m sad because I believe in the magical powers of queer friendship, but I’d never stopped to think about the difficulties of an incompatible queer friendship!
A.
Molly: You can stop being friends with anyone at any time. “I don’t want to” is a perfectly valid reason to stop. You don’t have to be attacked or injured before you’re allowed to leave a relationship you don’t like or isn’t compatible. That’s not to say there won’t be consequences to leaving a friendship — like possibly some hurt feelings and maybe some uncomfortable conversations — because we unfortunately have to deal with consequences all the time. Ideally, we’d all get along all the time, but people aren’t made that way, and that’s absolutely fine. Just because someone is queer doesn’t guarantee you’ll magically be friends!
Heather: Molly’s right! And I would also add that it doesn’t sound to me like you’ve known this person long enough for it to be a real friend break-up situation. You can’t usually know if you’re compatible with someone, even friend-wise, right away. Or maybe you can hit it off with a pal, but you don’t really know a person until you’ve moved through a variety of experiences with them. Things were pretty fun the first time you hung out, but as you’ve gotten to know this person more, you’ve realized that a lot of their behaviors grate on you. There’s nothing wrong with that. Now you know and you don’t have to hang out with them anymore!
Q12.
Dear Autostraddle team, what I have long feared was confirmed today: My work friend is a TERF. We bonded over our anti-racist and feminist activism, but I have always avoided the topic of trans rights because I had a suspicion we wouldn’t see eye to eye on the matter. Now I can no longer in good conscience ignore the subject. We don’t hang out outside of work, but we have confided in each other and supported each other in difficult times. We’ll be working closely together for many years to come and it’s not inconceivable that she will one day become my boss. How can I do my duty as an ally without creating a stressful work environment for myself? Am I asking the impossible? Am I shirking my responsibilities? Please advise.
A.
Al(aina): According to Emily Post, good etiquette says that when you have to be around someone with bad behavior, you ignore them, correct them, and report them. I think these are also great allyship skills. You ignore this person from now on, because she’s not your friend anymore because she’s a TERF (if/when she becomes your boss, this will be a different/difficult task, but I believe in you!). If and when you do have to interact with her, if they say anything transphobic, you correct her. Even if you just overhear a conversation in the breakroom where she’s being transphobic, you correct her. And finally, keep a record of every time you hear something transphobic and report that shit. Make sure the people in charge know what’s going on, even if they don’t immediately act.
KaeLyn: You aren’t asking the impossible, but you are maybe needing to lean in to being a better ally. I get it. This is about your work security and an important work relationship. That said, it sounds like you had a gut feeling for a long time and intentionally tried to avoid it, in some part to avoid confrontation and having to face the fact that your friend is transphobic and probably, based on your description, transmisogynist. You ignored it for as long as you could. Now that you know, you really can’t in good conscience ignore it any more. That’s the thing about being an ally or a true accomplice, those of us with cis privilege have to put our own safety and security on the line to speak up. We are required to do this, as hard and uncomfortable as it is. Change is uncomfortable. Real allyship is definitely uncomfortable. If you’re not getting uncomfortable and doing the hard work of speaking up, you’re not really doing the work of allyship. I know that’s a super harsh answer, but I’m just being real. You’re not a bad person. You do have a responsibility to speak up here.
If you truly have a close relationship, you may be able to talk about it with your work friend and try to help them see why what they believe is wrong. Honestly, maybe no one has ever had that convo with them. If they aren’t willing to see it, then, like, well…you really can’t ignore it and just go on. That doesn’t mean you have to wage an all-out war, but you need to make it clear that it isn’t OK, that you won’t ever be OK with it, and that she better keep her thoughts to herself and that you will report it if you hear it at work again. Sometimes we have to give up some of our comfort and status so those with less systemic privilege can gain a little bit more.
Q13.
Hello friends! This is a stupid question, because honestly I don’t have any problems at all: My life is amazing. I have a good job that lets me travel around, is a good stepping stone on the way to my final career goal, and isn’t too stressful or time-consuming. I live in a beautiful house that I own in a gorgeous part of the world where I can go walking on the beach or in the countryside. My health is good. I have nice friends. I work out five times a week. NOTHING is wrong.
Except that I am BORED OUT OF MY MIND. All I want is to go and live in a big city and actually feel alive again, instead of feeling like I’m waiting for something. Everything here is completely asleep. No matter how much I fill up my time with going to the gym and taking online courses and going hiking, I can’t escape the fact that I am absolutely, stultifyingly bored.
I’m almost thirty-five. Would it be complete suicide to give up all of this to move to a big city in another country? Go and throw myself into a challenge? Or should I count my blessings and settle into this peacefulness, even if it doesn’t seem to be particularly congruous with my character? (Extra info: I have already switched countries a few times. I do not currently live in the country of my birth. I speak a few foreign languages and am always up for learning more. I lived in a capital city until four years ago when I came to the countryside and have been bored here ever since. I am actually very happy in my life, aside from the boredom.) Helpppp.
Also there is NO queer scene here, which doesn’t help anything.
A.
Archie: Being bored in your life is a 100% valid reason to change absolutely everything. “Damn, I’m really glad I settled!” isn’t really a thing anyone talks about or feels—especially when it comes to overall life boredom! You have one wild whacky life and it’d be a shame if you just settled into boredom.
KaeLyn: You already know the answer. Even if you aren’t ready to take the leap today, make a mind map or a brainstorm list of one thing you can do THIS WEEK to move in the direction of making that change! You deserve a life that makes your heart sing. If that means making a big move, do it!
Heather: Get going, friend! Live your one wild and precious life fully!
Q14.
Hey y’all. Hoping you can help with something, it’s a classic case of non-binary person in long-term relationship develops big lesbian crush on bisexual chorus director.
And this non-binary person is wondering whether they should tell said chorus director about their crush, even though they’re not sure exactly how they feel. (She’s just really pretty and lovely and fun to be around and GAHHH THIS SHIT WAS SUPPOSED TO END)
This person is also considering proposing to their partner (who understands the attractiveness of said chorus director), but doesn’t want to do it in a rushed effort to try and end their crush.
Any advice would be lovely. Thank you!
A.
Archie: This is confusing because you never say if you and your long-term partner are monogamous or not! Just that they “understands the attractiveness” of the chorus director-which honestly isn’t telling us anything at all! What are your intentions/expectations/hopes/dreams here? Do you want to confess so you and the chorus director can enjoy dates/sex/mutually crushin’ on each other? Because if that’s cool with your long-term partner you should absolutely do it! You can be crushin’ and kissing this chorus teacher while planning a proposal to your partner! YOLO.
You gotta talk to your partner if you want this crush to go anywhere. And if you don’t want to talk to your partner because you’re monogamous and your partner wouldn’t want you crushing/kissing/fucking them, then you have some tough choices. Either confronting your feelings and your long-term partner and seeing where that goes or say nothing and be in crush-agony until it fizzles out (I recommend creating a LOT of space between you and the director and creating boundaries to help this fizzle out fast).
Letting it fade might be miserable for you! You might regret never telling your crush you’re crushing! You might also let this fade and be totally fine and get married and be incredibly happy and content. This is where you deciding what you actually WANT from this crush comes into play.
What I don’t recommend is NOT telling your partner about the crush but TELLING your crush you’ve got feelings for them. This will result in cheating or what-might-feel-like-cheating scenarios which is dishonest and no fun for your long-term partner (even if it’s fun for you).
KaeLyn: Yeah, what Archie said! Like, is this crush thing a thing that it would be totally cool for you to pursue while also proposing to your partner? BEAUTIFUL. DO IT. If that’s not the case, I think you need to decide what ya’ mean by “crush.” Is this just a fun little chill crush? Or is it, like, a maybe-I-don’t-want-to-propose-to-my-partner-maybe-I-want-to-make-a-life-with-my-chorus-director-forever. If it’s the latter, you’ve got big things to decide. If it’s the first scenario and you’re just like, feeling some feels but not planning or desiring to act on them, then, honestly, I’d say just let it fizzle out. Why tell them and go down that path if you don’t want to do anything about it? It’s kind of rude to your crush, especially if they have crush feelings for you, too. It might make you feel better, but it’d definitely put your crush in a weird place if you’re not def going to act on it. Honestly, if you’re agonizing this much, I kind of feel like your crush is a big deal and not a cool fun one, so like, definitely don’t propose to your partner to end the crush! That’s not how proposals work! It sounds like you need to decide how serious you are about pursuing this crush before you make any moves here!
Q15.
I’ve been casually dating for a year and a half or so. Most of it has been fine, with expectations made clear and boundaries handled carefully. Twice, though, someone I’ve dated has grossly overstated their desire to commit, to the point of telling me they’re in love with me and asking me for commitment. Both of these times, they backed out after one or two days. I never knew something so brief could hurt so much. I’m struggling with blaming myself for being naïve. How can I tell if someone is actually as available as they say they are? Is there even a way? I don’t want to feel like this again, but I also don’t want to build my walls up too high and not allow myself to be vulnerable. Help?
A.
Rachel: I have had such a hard time answering this because truly this one is not on you! That truly blows, and the fact that two different people did this to you within a year and a half is some bananas emotional terrorism! I wish I knew where they lived and parked their cars! I am sad for you and for all of us that even when other people hurt us or damage our trust through no fault of our own, it’s still on us to heal the aftermath on our own.
To your question about how you can recognize any red flags to protect yourself from this behavior again — I think the answer is kind of? For people with those kind of… I don’t know what we’d call them, attachment issues? I think there might sometimes be patterns of that push-pull visible elsewhere, or they might talk about commitment issues with others (while reassuring you they would never feel that way about you). Often a sign of someone with some weirdness in that area is ‘love-bombing,’ or getting really intense (with compliments, attraction, divulging personal info and emotional intimacy, wanting to talk or see you all the time) really quickly.
The problem is (and the reason why that’s effective!) is that those are also often the signs of genuine chemistry and draw towards a person, so. I’m not sure how effectively it’s possible to weed out the people who would do this to you, and I worry a little that trying to train yourself to do so will incentivize you to be hypervigilant, or to lean into that feeling you have that this is somehow your fault or you ‘let’ it happen (you didn’t!). I think unfortunately the only real path forward here for you is the same thing we all have to do when someone hurts us after we let our guard down around them; to grieve and sit through it and let yourself retreat to lick your wounds for a while, and eventually begin the practice of trying out being open with people again, and trying to trust yourself that you make good, safe decisions and that you have a reliable intuition — someone else taking advantage of you occasionally does not make that untrue of you. I’m so sorry this happened and I truly hope that it feels far behind you soon.
Q16.
Hi AS pals! Looking for advice here. I work in a corporate office where I’m the only openly gay person. There are a few other queers in the building, but they’re extremely private about it. I’m kinda seen as a shitstarter/loud mouth dyke because I’ve been vocally inquiring about the diversity committee for the last year (I actually just became the first non-VP to join a committee after making a huge stink about it around Thanksgiving). I also never want to talk about dieting or kids, which are the two primary topics of conversation for these 20-30 something straight white women. It’s incredibly difficult for me to sit on the other side of the cubicle and listen to them talk about things that really just boil down to “the patriarchy,” like complaining about how useless their husbands are or how they really need to lose 10lbs.
I’m trying really hard to challenge myself to work towards being more inclusive; examining my privileges, doing the work to be better in terms of inadvertently perpetuating oppression. It’s frustrating to rededicate myself to those efforts when basically everyone around me can’t think outside of the established systems we’re all used to. Are there ways that I can gently push my co-workers outside of their patriarchal comfort zones? How can I get used to the pressure of being, well, queer in a straight space? I know I haven’t gotten it right every single time, but I want to work towards it. I don’t have anyone to commiserate with or to challenge me to be better, so all of the motivation has to be intrinsic. It’s exhausting.
A.
Valerie Anne: Hello from another “loud mouth dyke” in a largely straight office environment! My advice is don’t shut up! It’s hard, and exhausting, but I promise it’s worth it. I’ve been so annoying about dismantling heteronormativity that I have these people trained! They never say “his and hers” anymore (something far too prevalent before I got to them), they always correct themselves when they try to gender colors, for example – and even when they don’t catch themselves on something, all I really have to do now is clear my throat and they realize they messed up. (I also recommend following up offline if someone does something uncool if it’s not the time/place to bring it up in the moment.) I think eventually you just have to lean into being That Person, and know that those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
Q17.
Hey, y’all. (This is long, and I’m sorry.) I am 28 years old, I dated guys in high school and early in college, but I’ve identified as a lesbian for seven years now. Something shifted in the last several months, and I’ve been feeling attracted to a few men. Earlier this month, I actually had sex with a guy for the first time in almost eight years. It was fantastic. I know that all this is fine, and that sexuality is a spectrum, etc. I’m wrapping my head around the attraction part of it all just fine.
But I’m really struggling with not wanting to identify as anything other than a lesbian, even though, clearly, it’s not technically correct anymore. I’m coming to an uncomfortable theory, which is that I buried my attraction to men after the series of emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive encounters with men that comprised my dating life while I was in college, and my barriers have slowly eroded. I cannot imagine ever being in a romantic relationship with a man again. The only men I completely trust are my brothers. I don’t want to call myself bisexual. I don’t want men to think I might be attracted to them. I don’t want to be vulnerable to them. Can I just have a one-night stand once in a while with a guy and write it off? Do I have to admit that I’m some broader version of queer? Do I have to identify myself as anything at all? I feel very raw and exposed thinking about this, which is kind of ruining the fun “I got laid and it was awesome” vibe of the whole experience.
A.
Rachel: Thank you for sharing these thought processes – I can hear that you’re in a raw and vulnerable place and I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this. I’m answering this from the point of view of someone who has identified as bisexual for most of my life — there was a brief period of a year and a half or so when I did internally ID as a lesbian and thought I would only date women for the rest of my life, after which I married a man and then divorced him and now here we are. I can’t speak from your exact situation, and I am speaking from the context of someone who feels somewhat strongly about the importance of the meaning of the label, at least for myself. The short answer is that you don’t ‘have to identify yourself as anything at all;’ if you choose not to call yourself bisexual, the label police cannot punish you. There are plenty of queer women who sleep with, date or even marry men and choose not to call themselves bisexual, or even still call themselves lesbians. I don’t personally feel super signed on to that, but that is definitely an option.
I talked about this a little with a very similar advice question last year, but what I keep coming back to here and so do you is what the idea of being bisexual would mean to you – as you say, you know that you ‘technically’ fit the definition, so it’s not a question of ‘do I really feel attraction to more than one gender.’ What I’m hearing is that you don’t feel like the connotations that bisexuality has to you should apply for you, or that you don’t want them to. Without prescribing what you should call yourself or how you should define your experiences, I’d ask you to think about what associations (female) bisexuality has for you and where those come from — because to be honest, the associations you talk about here are really harmful to bisexual women, and while that’s 100% not your fault I’d also like us all to be able to imagine bisexuality without them. Being bisexual doesn’t mean you need to be in or want romantic relationships with men; it does not mean being vulnerable to them, trusting them, allying yourself with them, or prioritizing them. I do not do any of those things, and have no plans to, and my sexual orientation or past relationships with (and harm from) men don’t compromise that. None of those things are fundamental to the experience of being a bisexual woman; they are fundamental to biphobic stereotypes about bisexual women’s values. I understand why they’re coming up for you now, because they’re specifically stereotypes often brought up in the context of women being hurt by men, and are often used to victim-blame them; that doesn’t make them true. When men have hurt you – and other women, including me – they have done it because they wanted to hurt them, not because those women were bisexual.
Refusing to think of ourselves or call ourselves bisexual doesn’t protect us from men; more often, it cuts us off from visible means of connection with other people who share our experience. Men who want to hurt you will try to do so regardless, and in fact might feel it’s easier to do so if they can sense shame around the fact that you’re with them and capitalize on it (not something that makes it any less their fault for being predatory). You don’t ever have to date them! You can just get laid and have those vibes if you want! And you can do that without id’ing as bi if you want, but you should also know that calling yourself bi absolutely doesn’t lock you into anything other than that, and anyone who tells you otherwise is way off base.
Q18.
I want to start off by saying thanks for all the amazing advice AS has given me this year. Here’s my dilemma. Over the course of 2018, I have been spending time together with and grown closer to a friend of mine. Long story short, I’m demisexual and in the process of our friendship growing, I’ve developed romantic (and maybe sexual) feelings for them It’s been super confusing for me. They’re polyamorous and in an long term relationship. While I’m also poly, it’s still pretty new to me PLUS I have limited dating experience. I enjoy their friendship so much, but I really don’t know what to do with these newer, not platonic feelings. I guess my question is, given all of this, should I risk our friendship and let them know about my sort of romantic feelings for them, or should I continue to enjoy our friendship as is?
A.
Valerie Anne: It’s 2019! The world is ending! Shoot your shot! Theoretically/hopefully, a real, true friendship won’t be derailed by some pesky feelings, even if they’re not returned – you just have to be ready for that. If you think you could be okay with the conversation ending with “let’s just be friends” and you can indeed continue being just friends, go for it.
Q19.
I HAVE EYEBROW ANGST! I’m nb/tmasc but still generally get read as cis or at least cis-adjacent (I’m not on hormones, haven’t had surgery, don’t always wear a binder, etc). I’ve been growing out my eyebrows because when they look more manicured, I feel like they’re too femme. However, now they’re super grown out and I feel weird about it! like, the rest of me is still kind of cis-woman-looking and I have these eyebrows that the patriarchy doesn’t think a person with a body like mine should have, and I feel insecure about it??? what should I do????
Is there a way to subtly trim them without them becoming overly femme? Are there guides on the internet for this kind of thing?!
A.
Mika: Listen, you have found the other person in the universe with intense ass eyebrows. I had intense eyebrows the moment I came out of the womb and T barely did anything to them because again, they were already half my face. Before I was on hormones and even know I have always shaped up my eyebrows a bit, you don’t have to use wax or anything that gives you harsh lines. You need two things, buy one of those little eyebrow combs and a pair of small tweezers. Brush the eyebrows so you can get your full range and with the tweezers go over them and clean them out a bit, especially in the edges and in the arch. I’m not sure if you have a unibrow but you can pluck there too. I do this routinely now too and my eyebrows don’t look like I even touch them. The secret is just to do a little bit of clean up every few weeks. I’d say count the hairs you pluck until you become more confident to take out more without overly trimming. Good luck brave one!
Q20.
Hey Autostraddle! I have a, um, embarrassing question. After a lifetime of aversion to my ass, I started masturbating with butt plugs in and…WOW!!!! However, every time I take my butt plug out there’s… poop on it? Even if I don’t have to shit/just took a shit/am absolutely positive my asshole is clean! It doesn’t bother me thaaat much because I have only used my butt plug solo right now, but someday I would like a partner to plug my ass and it’d be nice if everything came out clean?! Or is this just a thing that happens to everyone and no one talks about! Help!!!
A.
Archie:FUN AND CONGRATULATIONS! I’m very excited for you and your future partners! Also, it is normal because your butt is the place you poop out of! There’s the hard truth folks! There’s a couple things you can do though, like watching your diet and drinking lots of water and simply showering/doing a little extra cleaning first. You can also try anal douching, however it’s not something I recommend doing too often.
KaeLyn: If you’re doing butt stuff with a partner and they’ve ever done butt stuff before, they’re not going to be surprised about the poop. A little poop is a part of butt stuff. It just is! Getting comfortable with that idea is a lot easier than douching at the right time so your partner thinks your butt is magically poop-free. If you haven’t already been doing this, I would suggest using a condom over toys you use in your butt. It doesn’t eliminate the poop residue, but it does make clean up much, much faster and if it’s on a toy (not on a penis), you can roll it from the bottom and flip it inside out when you’re done and you don’t even have to touch anything on the outside. Tie it off and toss it! No more poop or poop smell or anything!
Q21.
Last week I broke up with my partner. I told him face-to-face in no uncertain terms, that I no longer want to pursue a relationship together. He said that I do want to be happy with him and that I don’t really want to do this. He protested and denied and yelled and cried and didn’t accept it. I haven’t heard from him since, but I’m pretty sure I will soon (this has played out before).
My question is: How to move forward without being unnecessarily cruel and selfish? I know we will need a long time and a lot of space.I know that will only happen by cutting contact at some point. Still, I can’t help feeling that I owe him conversation and clarity. I know there’s no good way to break your best friend’s heart, but can I be compassionate to his needs in some way? How do I stay solid on my decision to leave when faced with his suffering?
A.
Archie: I, personally, feel that you shouldn’t process a break up with the person you’re breaking up with. In fact, I think this often prolongs the break-up and the people involved can convince themselves to stay together when in reality they should definitely break up! The fact you want to is enough of a reason and the conversation of WHY can be exhausting for both parties—and is frankly irrelevant. You don’t have to spell out the ending of a relationship and you don’t have to hold his hand through a painful break-up: This is why we have friends. If you want to have a conversation or explain things, I recommend it being over an email or a text since you already have the initial conversation in person. And if he replies, I’d limit the number of times you write back because he will probably continue to try to change your mind. It’s not cruel to limit interactions and to give yourselves space. Honestly, it’s compassionate to create space-physically, online, and otherwise because there’s no way you can shield him from this hurt and nothing you say will probably ease any of it. Sorry!
Rachel: I understand this impulse so well! And I really respect that you want to be compassionate here. To be honest I’m not sure how much clarity you can offer or how much he’ll be open to; in my experience no explanation is going to make sense to him or be acceptable to him if he isn’t ready to hear it, but you can definitely try. I would really second Archie’s suggestion of having any conversation over text or email, since it will give you a little more time to choose how you want to phrase things, will protect you from having to see his emotional reactions, and will also provide you with a record of what was said if he disputes it later or you start to feel unsure (was I mean in the way I said that, did I really call him what he said I did, etc). I would also say there’s definitely a limit on how much explanation you need to give; in my experience dealing w emotionally unstable confrontational people, the best thing to do is to decide on a basic line or statement (“I’m really sorry this is so painful, but I’m not able to be in this relationship anymore because it’s not healthy for me”) and just deliver it over and over and over, staying kind but firm about it as many times as it takes. If the other person starts to realize it’s not possible to provoke you into a drawn-out thing or get more of a reaction out of you, they’ll often let it go and start to accept it.
Q22.
Hello,
I am a 28 year old gay person. I have a close and mostly supportive family (including an unusually close extended family), but now I am struggling to be around them. Someone on the peripheries of our family recently came out as trans, and it has brought a lot of latent homophobia and transphobia to the surface. I’ve heard some really terrible things, and I’m usually the only person who challenges them. This is often dismissed, because I am “the sensitive, politically correct one,” or it causes an argument.
My family is aware of my sexuality, although we don’t really talk about it. I’ve also been questioning my gender identity over the past year, but I’m not ready to answer any questions about it yet. Is there a way to let my family know that what they’re saying is not OK and it makes me feel awful, without having to talk to them about my own gender confusion? After the things I’ve heard, I don’t feel particularly safe to talk about all of this in personal terms.At the same time, I want to be a good ally to my trans family member. (PS: We all hate confrontation and talking about our feelings. We are very British. Sorry for sooo much context.)
A.
Valerie Anne: I, too, am the oft-dismissed “snowflake” of a supposedly supportive family! I’ve had to have many annoying conversations with my family, but here are a few things I’ve found work. One, I’ve learned telling them what they said was offensive makes them lose their whole damn minds, because that wasn’t their “intention”. Exhausting, I know. But I’ve learned to try to phrase it less accusingly; “oh by the way, we’ve learned that saying x instead of y is more inclusive” or “oh, actually the term is x, not y.” Assuming/pretending it’s something they didn’t know, like you’re educating instead of correcting/calling them out. (This is exhausting, believe me, and sometimes I forget and just snap, but when I succeed it’s more well received.) I’ve also learned to rely heavily on fictional characters – I got my parents to watch One Day at a Time and not only did they love it, but it opened up a way for us to have a really great conversation about Syd and non-binary identities in a way that we wouldn’t have otherwise gotten the chance to have.
Natalie: That’s very on-brand for Valerie to recommend a TV show (Yay TV Team)… and I think that’s a good start. It’s an easy way to challenge your family’s ideas without having to feel uncomfortable about raising your voice.
Beyond that, I’d recommend is that you reach out to this person on the periphery of your family and offer your support directly to them. I hope that you can build a stronger connection so that they know you’re an ally and, also, that you have someone who’s been on the path that you’re about to embark on. Maybe you can put your heads together and come up with a good strategy for how to deal with your family.
Q23.
My ex and I were long distance for our year-long relationship. We recently broke up and are mostly in a period of no contact. She’s said that she wants to be friends, and I am maybe open to the idea, but I haven’t gotten over her.I have a lot of hurt feelings that I need to move past first.
Anyway, she lives in a major city that I would like to maybe move to. We never talked about me moving there while we were dating, but she did know that I was planning on leaving my current city after graduation at the end of 2019, so me moving in general won’t be a surprise. I’m in love with this new city. It has a lot of things I’m looking for (affordability, public transportation, groups for my hobbies, queer people, near friends/family). Do you think that would be weird if I moved there?? I don’t think our paths would cross much as we have very different hobbies and it’s a big city, but we are both gay obviously, so you know it will happen eventually. Do I tell her? Do I only tell her if we eventually establish a friendship? Will it be awkward if I someday see her around?!
My friends say I can do whatever I want with my life, but I am so afraid of looking like some weirdo stalker (even though I really have no interest in speaking with or seeing her). Help!
A.
Natalie: It absolutely would not be weird to move to a city that provides you all the things you need, post-graduation. Maybe it feels weird now because your emotions are still raw over the break-up but do you imagine feeling that way at the end of 2019? I can’t imagine you would so why restrict yourself based on feelings you might not even have? Your ex should have absolutely no bearing on your decision about where to move next. If you want to give a shout once you get settled, that’s fine but you have to be focused on doing what’s best for you.
Q24.
I got “friend ghosted” and it is really bumming me out! We weren’t best friends, but we’ve known each other two-ish years, I considered us pretty close and really valued her friendship! She has the best opinions about pop culture and is smart and fun to be around. Should reach out and ask if it’s something I did? Or should I just pick up what she’s putting down and let it go. I’ve asked her to hang out a couple times and sent texts if I saw something that made me think of her. The first time I got an “I’m socially tired this week but I’ll let you know when I’m free” type message back. After that, crickets. I’ve wracked my brain for anything that happened the last time or two we hung out and can’t think of anything. UGH this sucks! I miss her! What should I do?
A.
Rachel: I can’t read your friend’s mind, of course, but to be honest based on the info in this message it sounds way more to me like your friend is going through some kind of depression and self-isolation than that she suddenly hates you, especially if the last thing you heard from her was about being socially burned out. If you know that she’s initiating plans like crazy with other people, maybe I’m wrong, but before assuming she’s mad at you specifically I might reach out to her and say you’ve been thinking about her, you hope she’s well since you haven’t heard from her in a while, and you’d love to do something if she’s up for it but there’s no pressure. If you’re close enough, you could say that you’re worried since it’s been a while, and that you’re here if she’s ever feeling down, etc. You might not hear anything back, but it might still mean a lot to her!
Heather: I agree with Rachel (which is a thing I say at least ten times a week). I am a person with VERY limited social energy and I often find it really challenging to manage my friendships. Because the thing is that I do love my friends very much and I always enjoy our time together, but being out in the world and being social is really draining for me. I probably only say yes to about five percent of the things people ask me to do, even though I do care for the people asking so very much and value their company and feel so good when I’m with them. HOWEVER, if I had a friend who was like, “Look, I actually need more from our friendship than this, I don’t think I can invest my emotions in someone who can only hang out once every ten months” I would have absolutely no hard feelings about that. I have accepted that I am not wrong for only being able to give what I can give, and my friends are not wrong for needing and wanting what they need and want, and it is a bummer when those things don’t align, but we have to be true to who we are. If I were you, I’d try reaching out to your friend in a way that doesn’t require any emotional labor for her to respond, like with a meme! It might allow her to reconnect and let go of any guilt or overwhelm she might be feeling. Also, though, if you need more from the friendship than she can give, it’s okay to know that and feel sad about it and work toward making other friends. You shouldn’t have to feel like you’re always giving more than the other person in the friendship.
Q25.
They’re reconciled with their parents now, but adolescence was rough on my partner – like “kicked out of their house at least 3x/ several-nights-homeless-each-time” rough. We’re in our 30s now, and I am going to meet their family. How do I treat the parents politely, like people I can interact with at least yearly, and not angrily like they are evil bastards who hurt my love irrevocably?
A.
Archie: I think it’s important to refocus your intentions before meeting the parents of your partner. You’re not going to dinner with the folks to seek vengeance or to tell these people they were shitty parents—no matter how GOOD that might feel. You’re going to support your partner. Focus on what your partner needs from you in these interactions and remind yourself of these needs every time you feel yourself getting upset/angry/annoyed. Make sure you have an after-meeting-the-family plan too! They might need a bath or solo time to decompress or they might want to be surrounded in a queer-normative space. Ask them what they expect from you! They might not expect (or want) you to play polite-especially if things start to feel tense. Then again, they may just want you to grin through whatever nonsense comes up. You don’t need to like these people but if it’s important to your partner, it’s important to you to get it right. Set a solid end time for the meeting (like you’re dog-sitter needs to be home by 9) so the meeting doesn’t go on forever. Otherwise, keep the conversation light and don’t talk about politics.
Q26.
Hi all,
I find myself getting more and more frustrated with a friend. The good: We have a lot in common (we’re both queer women, we like the same food and hang out activities, etc) and I believe they are, at heart, a good person. The bad: I find myself drained after hanging out/talking to them (unless it’s very light, like texting memes or cat videos) because they talk about themselves almost constantly. Earlier in our friendship I gave a lot of advice and listened because I believed they were going through a really rough patch. Now I’m beginning to realize this is how they are all the time (or at least, how they are with me all the time). I feel burned out. I know communication is key for boundaries and friendships, but since this person doesn’t make space for my feelings, I don’t think they’ll take a convo about that well. We hang and chat often enough that I also don’t feel “right” ghosting our friendship.
Any advice is so welcome ❤️
A.
Valerie Anne: I know you don’t want to hear this but I think you have to talk to them about this! I think feeling like they’re not making space for your feelings is valid and they should know that; if they’re a real friend, even if they get defensive at first, in the end they should want you to be happy in the relationship. It has to be worth the work, you know? One-sided friendships where one person is doing all the heavy lifting just isn’t sustainable, take it from someone who had almost exclusively one-sided relationships in college. It’s better to talk about it now than have it crush you in the future, yaknow?
Heather: Valerie’s right; this situation isn’t tenable. Either things are going to keep on with your friend behaving in a way that makes you feel exhausted and resentful OR you’re going to have to gently confront them about how you feel. If it’s the first thing, you’re going to continue on in misery and you don’t deserve that. The second thing, though, will either empower them to make some changes (because they might not even know they’re doing these things) and salvage your friendship, or respond in a way that makes you feel less guilty for leaving the relationship. Talking to them about this will be uncomfortable at first, but it’s the only thing that’ll get you unstuck.
Q27.
What do I about a friend I have a crush on who is now ignoring me? Here is the context: this friend (straight or queer? unclear!) uprooted her life two years ago, moved to a shitty city with her boyfriend, was miserable, broke up with him after a year and moved back home. Preceding her breakup, we talked a lot and texted almost every day. She moved back to a very dysfunctional home environment in August. Her communication has petered out and then basically stopped completely. When I try to call her she doesn’t answer. Sometimes she says she will call back, but something always comes up. I really like her. I have a lot of her art, like a self-portrait she gave me of her boobs (!!), all over my house. I miss her and want to pursue my crush, but more importantly I miss her friendship and presence in my life. I don’t know if I did something to upset her. Can you offer any advice – should I keep reaching out or should I consider giving her space? Thank you for your time and help!
A.
Valerie Anne: My advice is to flat-out ask. Say something along the lines of, “I’ve noticed we haven’t been talking as much as we used to, can we talk about why?” Letting her know you noticed the change and miss her. And if she asks for space, give her space. You can, in that same conversation, either pick an amount of time before either of you check in (like, let’s take a break for a month and see where we’re at), or you can put the ball in her court. It won’t be easy, giving someone you care about a break, but if that’s what she needs, it’s important to give her time. It’s possible life is just getting in the way, and she’ll come back to you when she’s ready, or maybe she sensed you had feelings for her she didn’t return and didn’t want to give you false hope so pulled away instead of saying anything. Either way, I’m a big fan of direct communication about these things, even if it’s an uncomfortable conversation at first.
Reneice: I’m going to tell you something I wish I had learned when I went through something similar to what it sounds like you are now. Silence is a direct form of communication. Avoidance is also a direct form of communication. It sounds like your crush-friend is using them to put up a boundary for some reason. It can be SO unnerving not to know why and I completely understand the urge to want to keep reaching out in hopes of fixing it or gaining some kind of closure, but sometimes we just don’t get that and it sucks. I feel for you, and I think you should stop reaching out to her. Reaching out is continuing to try to fill a space that she put there for a reason, and that’s not fair to either of you. I do agree wholeheartedly with Valerie that giving her space will allow her to return on her terms if and when she’s ready. Till then I think learning to normalize that new space is the best thing you can do.
Q28.
My partner and I need advice about making huge, life-altering decisions as a couple! We’ve been together for 3 years. A year and a half ago, we moved from Seattle to New York City for my partner’s grad school program. We’ve made an amazing group of queer friends and we’re only 3 hours from my family. My partner is graduating this spring, and we are incapable of deciding whether to stay in New York or move elsewhere (and if so, where.)
In addition to the standard difficulties of living in New York, I can’t do the work I want to do here. We both want to be near people we love, but beyond that, we have different personal and professional needs. We each understand where the other is coming from, which only makes this harder to talk about. Every time we do, we end up feeling stuck and sad. Long distance or breaking up are off the table. We know the next place we live will not be our home forever, but it still feels hard. How do we go about making this decision? How can we have productive conversations about it that don’t leave us feeling paralyzed?
A.
Carmen: Friend, this is hard situation! I’m going to paraphrase one of my favorite Heather Hogan quotes about relationships, which is this: “The most important thing to remember is that you are both on the same team.” It sounds like you are already doing that!
The next piece of advice I would give is this, you can’t avoid this conversation anymore so being paralyzed isn’t getting you anywhere. If breaking up and LDR are strong “No’s” for you both and cannot be moved, then someone is going to have to compromise. That’s hard to hear and I’m sorry, but that’s what it is. The clock in this situation is ticking. I would suggest you both make a Top 10 (or even just Top 5) lists of wants/needs for your next home city and write them down without talking, then exchange them. Hopefully you’ll have overlap on your lists and that will give you a united foundation to build from! Good luck!
Q29.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months. We’re in a long distance relationship, but we spend at least a week together every month. Since she left the last time I can’t stop thinking about how much I want her to move in! It seems too fast and such a cliché, but I live alone rent-free and she’s been having trouble with her roommates. She depends on family help for rent and already doesn’t live in her home state, so it sounds practical! But insane! But kinda not??? I can’t make sense of what I’m feeling. It’s freaking me out. I am usually a rational and practical person! Maybe I’m too caught up on being in love? Maybe I just want to settle down with a partner and a dog (she has the cutest dog and I’ve never wanted pets, but I really love her dog!)? Maybe this actually makes sense? Please advise, I need help from wise strangers from the internet.
A.
Rachel: You are being pretty rational, I think, both in your thinking this might be a good idea (rent-free and alone is insanely great! what!!?) and also that it is in many ways objectively bonkers (six months is not very long, and the total 180 from long-distance to living together is a lot). I think you can make an argument for this decision both ways, and while I know people who have moved in together early on and really regretted it, I also know people who are still together 10 years later after doing so, etc. What’s not clear to me from your question is whether you’ve… talked to your girlfriend about this? It feels a little like you feel like you need to come to a 100% concluded decision before you broach the topic with her, and you really don’t! In fact, I think it’s better with these kinds of decisions for you both to talk through the pros and cons from a place of not being totally sure and arrive at a decision together than for one partner to basically walk in with a pitch. If having that conversation sounds intense and scary to you, I get that, but you should also know that making decisions where there isn’t a clear right answer jointly will be your daily life if you live together, so it might be good to test the waters on how that goes. What if you just brought this to her instead of wise strangers on the internet? “Hey babe, ever since your last visit, I keep thinking about how crazy it is that I live rent-free by myself and you’re scraping together rent to live with people you hate; would it be crazy to move in? What do you think?”
Q30.
Any advice on how to come out as sober? I’m online dating quite a bit at the moment and I don’t really drink. It’s not something I feel emotionally sensitive about. For a while I just wouldn’t bring it up, but the people I went on dates with would feel awkward when after asking I would like to join them for a beer, I casually mention that I don’t drink. How do I bring it up in a non-awkward way? Eeek!
A.
Molly: If you’re cool with going to bars, go meet them for a drink! No one says you have to have an alcoholic one, and you can still meet up where they are comfortable and can get a drink. If you’d like them to know right away that you don’t drink, but you know it’s probably an offer you’ll get from someone, have another option ready to go. Instead of just ending the conversation at “I don’t drink,” give them another option of something you WOULD want to do, like get coffee or grab milkshakes. Those are drinks! And if someone gives you a hard time or doesn’t want to continue seeing you because you don’t drink, you get to learn something important about them and whether you want someone like that in your life is up to you.
Q31.
Any advice for coming less quickly when you’re wearing a strap-on? i have a very sensitive clit. I don’t usually enjoy direct stimulation, but more indirect/spread out stimulation – like when I’m wearing a strap-on – makes me come so quickly!!! It is almost embarrassing and I feel like a 13 year old boy!! (yes, I am doing kegels.)
A.
Archie: You might want to try to add a buffer of some sort. Try the Sili Saddle or you can also use a stroker over the base of the dildo, as Austen spells out in This Article.
Mika: Honestly there’s a few things you can do. You can jerk off/get off earlier in the day if you think you might have sex with someone and the strap on later. The other thing you can also do is that every time you think you’re about to finish propose to switch positions, it will provide an actual break and getting back to rhythm will probably take a second, those little things add up to lasting longer, you can also do other sex things that aren’t strap-on related things first to extend the session a little more as well, meaning do the strap last!
You all are gems. The most crystal of the gems. Thank you.
I’m with Heather on Salt Lake City. I grew up there, but it’s nothing like it was back then — it’s turned into a remarkably diverse and affirming place to live. (I also hope to retire there, which will be made easier by the availability of the house I grew up in.)
Q4 well done on figuring out you’re gay and enjoy it! There are so many great things about being queer. You’re future queer friends won’t care how recently it is that you’ve realised your gay, they’ll just care about what you’re like as a person.
I wish I could magic away your shame and embarrassment at not figuring it out sooner, but basically, as the AS writers have said, society has taught you to assume you are straight. Before I was out I didn’t believe I was “other” so I thought that all girls secretly liked girls but just didn’t talk about it.
—
I kind of want to befriend all the people on AS who have only recently worked out their sexuality, or who know it but are scared of coming out and tell them that they’re great and that they can do this and that there are so many great things about being LGBT and so many people who will love them.
Q1: how about seattle? new york city? berlin? london? brussels? tel aviv?
For Q19, Boy Brow is a great product by Glossier that makes your brows look thicker but also cleaned up!
Q7, the German/American couple: My wife had never lived anywhere other than her state before she flew across the continent and a border to be with me! And to be honest, the main thing that has worked for us is that we’ve both accepted that we can’t ever really know for sure how things will work out. But we are madly in love and enjoying the adventure in the meantime, and that makes it worth the risk.
Be prepared for it to be super intense and stressful at times. Be prepared for your person to go through periods of homesickness, and for you to worry whether that means they’re questioning if they did the right thing. Be prepared to sometimes feel weird about this new situation yourself. But make sure to stop and appreciate the good parts too! The good news is, if you can get through all of the upheaval and confusion of an international relocation together and still feel happy overall, it can make your relationship even stronger.
(I’m OP for that Q) Wow thank you so much for this!!! I think for the next year I’m just going to go and find as many stories about queer people who moved to different countries as a couple AS I CAN, bc both your answer and Mika’s answer made me feel…so…..good……..
Q1: if you’re down for 4 really intense seasons, consider Baltimore. There’s lots of research and policy activities that can be done here, biking is doable, and the queer scene isn’t terrible. Baltimore’s not for everyone but it is for some people. Lots of trees and access to national/state parks.
Q16: it me! Valerie, I really hope I can follow your example with success. There’s a lot of push back but I think we’re moving in the right direction
“I know, I know, with the Mormons” is a *wonderful* quote.
Rachel gives truly excellent advice
Thank you all for the work you put into answering our questions! <3
Q13: my two cents is that “do it because you’ll regret not trying!” is well-meaning and also, only one side of the coin. The other side of the coin is that you may regret trying, because of the effect of shifting gears on career advances and long-term financial health.
My personal experience with this is that my well-meaning teachers and family encouraged me to pursue a music performance career because “I wouldn’t want to spend my life wondering what if” if I didn’t go for it. I wish I had given more thought to pursuing music as a serious hobby instead, especially being from a working-class background. Now, I’m middle-aged and just finished my second time through grad school, with a huge amount of debt from music school, and no savings.
It’s important to give full rein to our dreams and inspirations, invest in imagining a full-blown picture of realizing them and all the happiness and satisfaction of that. And in addition, flesh out the other options and imagine those possibilities too. I think the best recipe for “success” or at least finding the “best” path is to consider all the options. It’s not settling, it’s just finding a good balance between the joy of acting on initial inspiration and realizing dreams, and juggling the responsibilities that come from follow-through.
Basically, if your biggest problem is that you’re bored, maybe try a daring new hobby? Esp if you have the finances to really swing for the fences (travel, buying specialty stuff, etc), you could do a lot with it!
I also had more of a middle road idea in mind when I read this question.
OP, you said you’re on a career path towards something great — can you take the next step on that path in another company/city/country? Have you fully thought through what it would mean, day to day, in that new place? (Establishing new friends, spending
I also had more of a middle road idea in mind when I read this question.
OP, you said you’re on a career path towards something great — can you take the next step on that path in another company/city/country? Have you fully thought through what it would mean, day to day, in that new place? (Establishing new friends, spending money to move, potentially being a bit isolated until your language skills improve, potentially not being able to buy your favourite snacks because they don’t have them there 😱). That sounds more fulfilling than moving to Thailand and looking for temp work for the rest of your life.
I’ve lived in lots of places — I’ve lived in the Netherlands for just over 3 years now, and that’s the longest I’ve lived continuously in the same country since before college, more than 10 years ago.
I used to get bored often and move again, but I realised recently that I felt so independent and free, whilst never building the skills to make deep roots and lasting connections to people and places.
On the other hand, I was in a (way too long) relationship with someone who was convinced they’d be happy if they moved to Australia, which was clearly untrue to anyone with some perspective on that person’s actual reasons for unhappiness. Moving to another place does give you some exciting new input, but it doesn’t fix things that aren’t going well.
I’m not saying you don’t have those skills, and it sounds like you’ve built something good where you are and you are looking for a change from a healthy place, but I just wanted to say that it’s very clear to me that moving isn’t always the answer.
Q4: Your situation is almost exactly the same as mine! I also spent most of my life thinking I was straight, and didn’t realize any differently until I was 31. While I definitely have moments I wish I had figured it out sooner, I also know self-knowledge is a journey that takes time. I figure getting to know yourself is something worth doing right, and if that means taking time to get it right then so be it. I also had trouble with loneliness and breaking into the queer community when I first came out to myself, but it got a lot better with a bit of work. I joined a queer woman’s Meetup group, started online dating, came out to my family and spent lots of time on Autostraddle. I’ve now got queer friends and had a date with a wonderful woman just last night, so I can say it does get better! Hang in there, and know there are tons of us with similar stories.