Welcome to the 51st edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s theme is NEW YEAR NEW LOOK. We want ALL your questions on updating your look! Hair, make-up, clothes, shoes, nails, jewelry, piercings and tatoos, body language — if you think it fits, it does! The general Into the A+ Advice Box (like this one) where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time. Get those questions on your LOOK for the New Year in by this Tuesday January 11th!

So, now that you know to send us your questions on all things YOUR LOOK, let’s dig in!

Q1:

Hi! I’m polyamorous. I’m involved with two people separately outside of my primary relationship, and those people have beef/heartbreak/drama with each other. I know the solution to my happiness with them is to set boundaries. Buttt how much is it my job to manage their feelings about my involvement with the other partner? And how do I keep their opinions of the other partner from spoiling the way I see them? I love these people, even though (especially because) they are frustrating. Many thanks <3

A:

Himani: I am not poly. But your question makes me think of a related one about issues among mutual friends that we get from time to time, and I think that some of the same principles may apply because, ultimately, relationships are relationships. Also, a lot of this has to do with the details — the specifics of the issue between these two and also the specifics of your relationship with each. So I’m going to share my thoughts, with the full disclosure that maybe what I’m about to say will be completely irrelevant to your situation.

In general, I would say that for people who have issues with each other, I do think it’s their responsibility to make sure that you don’t become the person in the middle. I think it’s generally not great when someone puts another person in a situation where they feel like they need to choose one relationship over another. If it’s just that one person had a crush on the other and their feelings were unreciprocated, then I feel like that falls in the category of “these people just need to deal with their feelings on their own and not involve you in their drama.”

That being said, however, the nature of your intimacy with each person is also really relevant here. Are we talking about a romantic intimacy, sexual intimacy, and to what degrees of each with each person involved? What kind of emotional support do each of these people rely on you for as a part of your relationship with them, generally speaking, setting aside this specific issue? Because if it is a norm in one or both of these relationships to have certain kinds of emotional connection, then you need to consider that this is why this person is seeking you out to talk about their drama. It might require a conversation about how this particular situation falls outside of the norm of the type of relationship you do typically have and an explicit setting of boundaries around if, how, to what extent, in what ways can you talk about this with each of these partners.

The nature of disagreement between the people involved is also incredibly relevant. If one of these people really deeply hurt the other in ways that may tap into your values then I do think you owe it to yourself and to the people you’re in relationship with to assess whether and to what extent you want to maintain those relationships. I’m talking about serious things like betrayal of trust, crossing of boundaries, speaking and/or acting in ways that are bigoted and hurtful, and so on. Because the thing is if something of that nature did happen and you haven’t addressed or confronted it with either party, then I think that makes you complicit in the harm, in some ways because (essentially) you’re condoning the harm or saying “it wasn’t that bad.” I’m not necessarily saying you need to cut one or both of these people off. For instance, if a major breach happened and they talked about it and the harm that was inflicted was acknowledged but the two people just can’t ever really be cool with each other afterwards, then you can still love each of them individually, but you need to know that and they need to know that. So again, explicit conversation around this is necessary.

I hope some of that was helpful, and I hope others in the comments with more direct experience with this chime in with more concrete suggestions.

Q2:

Hi, I am a genderqueer lesbian who tends to fall for hot bisexual women (and I am using bisexual for the word pansexual here, someone who likes everyone). I think bisexuality is great! I like to think of it as the pinnacle of queerness. Like – you like anyone?? That’s so QUEER. But, I had a painful past experience, with a partner who sought attention and validation from men when she was feeling down on herself. This ex-partner was also not really out to her family, and our relationship was sort of a secret. A few months after we broke up, she started dating a man, and she posted cheesy pictures with him on Instagram, something I never got. The experience left a bad taste in my mouth- men were clearly just easier to fit into her life, how could I compete?

Right now I am dating a bisexual woman who has previously only been in relationships with men. She is out to her family and is like soooo into me sexually, but her life involves a ton of straight people and straight activities. Recently she shared a picture of her closest guy friend, who she has told me before I remind her of, and we have similar style and looks. When I saw that picture I immediately felt SO JEALOUS and INSECURE. I was like “oh, this makes sense for her, he probably fits her lifestyle better, and he’s taller and more muscly and hotter than me.” And I am not jealous when it comes to other women, so I know it’s just ugly biphobia making me question EVERYTHING. I hate it and want to not feel extra jealous of men. How do I retrain my mind and emotions?

A:

Himani: Personally, I find journaling to be incredibly helpful when I’m struggling with beliefs and biases that I know are bigoted and that I want to let go of. Affording myself that private space to express my feelings and then also push myself to examine them is really helpful. I let myself write my feelings and then I ask myself questions like, “why am I feeling this way?” or, “I’m making a universal statement when I say ‘x sweeping statement.’ Is that really true? What are the counter examples I have from my own experience or from media, etc.?” It’s not about judging myself but rather digging deeper into why I feel the way I do and also encouraging myself to recognize where I’m allowing past personal experience (or biases) color the present. Perhaps one of the most important questions I ask myself in this process is “What am I afraid of?” because so often I’ve found that biases are really just covers for fears we don’t want to confront.

In your situation, you seem pretty aware that your previous relationship experience is coloring your present one. I think that’s a helpful thing to remind yourself when you find yourself spiraling with jealousy and insecurity. It might also be useful to look at that jealousy and insecurity a little more closely from the lens of what else in your life might be making you feel insecure in relationships (this one and also maybe generally)? Is insecurity something you struggle with more broadly and in the specific context of your current and previous relationship, is your brain falling back on biphobia as a way to avoid confronting that painful insecurity? Because I know my mind definitely plays tricks like this.

And finally, one of the most valuable exercises I find is just broadening what I’m reading and the media I’m consuming so that I’m taking in and understanding broader perspectives to continue to challenge myself on my own. Having close and trusted friends who you can discuss some of this with in a safe space that allows you to grapple with your biases is really helpful, but as always make sure you’re not demanding this work/emotional labor from people who are personally affected by it and/or you don’t have a close relationship with.

I hope that’s helpful, and I hope folks in the comments have other helpful suggestions.

Kayla: I just want to let you know that it’s absolutely normal and common for us to bring baggage from past relationships into new ones. I do think the jealousy is rooted in biphobic bias broadly, but I think it’s even more so rooted in your previous relationship, and that can take time and work to address and grow from. Himani’s suggestion to journal is a fantastic one. It could help you identify where certain biases stem from and also allow you to further process your past relationship. I know it might be obvious, but it’s worth saying: Your new partner is not your ex. You can’t view her behaviors through the same lens as you viewed your ex’s behaviors. Easier said than done — I know! I would also definitely encourage you to do some reading on and investigating of biphobia and jealousy.

Q3:

I am disabled and have a crush on my physical therapist! Is that okay and normal? Are others in the same situation? I have no intentions of doing anything about it but I need someone to tell me it happens to them too!

A:

Ro: You’re not alone! Several years ago, I had to do a few months of physical therapy and I ABSOLUTELY had a crush on my physical therapist. And she wasn’t even the kind of person I would normally find attractive! I think that’s just what happens when you see the same person once or twice a week and they’re kind and there’s lots of (nonsexual) physical touch and care involved in your interactions.

Q4:

I just found out that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. It makes a lot of sense but it’s also kind of devastating. I feel small and silly and already wary of the judgements of other people. I’m in therapy and will be getting support in that way, but I’m wondering what to do in my day-to-day life. I’ve read that BPD is more commonly diagnosed in queer people, so I’m hoping that perhaps one of you has some hot tips on books to read, FB groups to join or some other kind of advice on what I can do with this new information about myself. Or possibly even resources for my long-suffering girlfriend, so she can get a framework for understanding why I’m….like this!

A:

Yash: OP, I highly recommend The Way She Feels by Courtney Cook. Courtney is a bi writer and illustrator with BPD (and, full disclosure, is also my friend), and her debut memoir talks about her day-to-day realities with a stigmatized diagnosis with such love, humor, care, and joy. It’s been highly acclaimed by BPD readers and advocacy organizations, and I think it’ll be a welcome #ownvoices antidote to the judgy, shamey, difficult misapprehensions that other people have used to make you feel small. It’ll also be a great one for your girlfriend to read when you’re done with it. I also recommend checking out Emotions Matter, a new organization for affirming and supporting people with BPD and their loved ones.

Vanessa: I love Yash’s suggestions and have been meaning to read The Way She Feels myself! I also want to offer that if you haven’t already explored it, I highly recommend the DBT workbook and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) in general. I spoke about this a bit in this advice box but the main takeaway is it was actually originally created by Marsha M. Linehan, a woman with BPD to treat BPD in a nonjudgmental and productive way (I believe — like I said in the last advice box when I brought up DBT, I am pretty new to it and feel a little shy talking about it because I’m not an “expert,” but so far it has been so life-changing for my anxiety and general well being that I feel like I should tell everyone about it!). I think having your girlfriend read any resources you decide to explore would be helpful for both of you, and I also encourage you to let yourself let go of the idea that your partner is “long-suffering” — she is with you because she wants to be, and this is just one more thing you two are learning about together in your shared life.

Nicole: Thank you so much for writing in and for your trust! This post by Christina Tesoro might be a helpful read for you and your partner, too. In a short space, Christina offers tons of practical advice in terms of how to build / maintain a healthier relationship with each other without falling into the trap of the stigma surrounding mental health diagnosis and especially personality disorders. It’s a great piece and there are multiple other resources linked within it, including The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook which Vanessa already recommended and The Body Keeps the Score which I really have to read, myself, but which I understand is very good. At least in my personal experience, I’ve found that the majority of queer people are on some level dealing with trauma — whether or not they have mental health diagnosis— and we could all use to benefit from learning what it means to heal trauma in ourselves and to be informed of how trauma affects interpersonal relationships so that we can effectively address issues as they come up because no one is perfect and things will arise! For this, I also recommend some couples therapy, if you can swing it. A trained therapist might be able to help give you both tools for navigating tough things that come up within your relationship, and then you ideally have those tools at the ready during stressful times. A good couples therapist will help you two to be on the same team when it comes to problems, your goals and growth in your relationship, and your healing. All that is to say, sending tons of love your way!

Q5:

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4+ years, but the last couple of years our sex life has dwindled down to nothing. My (male) ex rejected me sexually, and I think my girlfriend has past trauma of being rejected as well. How do we get past this? I know we both want to do it, but neither of us can seem to get over the emotional hurdle of initiating. How do we get through this? Is it even possible, or do we just break up if the sex is gone?

A:

Ryan: It’s totally possible to rekindle a sex life in a long-term relationship, particularly if you both want to do it (and each other). There are a few different strategies you can try.

First, (1) have a standing once a week sex date – let’s say it’s Thursday night from 7 to 10. Make your calendar invites, turn on do not disturb, turn down other commitments, do whatever you have to do to have that time every single week. Having a standing sex date doesn’t mean that no matter what you are having sex together that night, and it definitely does not remove consent, it just means that no matter what you are booking time together for erotic connection. Maybe sometimes that means using every toy in the box, but other times it can mean clothed making out, or BDSM, or naked spooning, or strip [your game of choice], or massage, or wrestling, or sexting, or mutual masturbation, or one person masturbating and the other watching or talking dirty, or watching/reading/listening to porn together, or showering together, or a golden shower, whatever, as long as you create the opportunity and follow through together.

If, like most people in sexual relationships, you experience different desire levels at different times, you can (2) use an arousal scale to tell each other where you’re at. Examples of arousal scale levels could be 0=holding hands, barely, 6=I want to make out and see where it goes, 9=I want to have sex right here right now. Desire isn’t an on/off switch, but a sliding scale. Sex isn’t “we are full on fucking however we define that together, or we are on opposite sides of the house,” either. Using a scale and sharing where you’re each at gives you more opportunities to act on the desire that is there, and more opportunities to say yes to each other.

Finally, (3) initiate often and alternatingly. Instead of saying no when you’re at a 0 on the arousal scale, say not right now, and then circle back to initiate something erotic within 72 hours. The key is that the person who did the rejecting is the person who has to next initiate. Research shows people who are happy with their sex lives in their relationships engage with each other erotically about every 72 hours. Plus, especially given your mutual history of sexual rejection, it creates a rhythym where you can trust that a “not right now” doesn’t mean a “never again,” that you won’t get stuck in a pattern of one person initiating and the other rejecting, and that you are both creating erotic opportunities together. This is also a great chance to use the arousal scale, whether you’re initiating or being asked. If it’s your turn to initiate, and you aren’t sure you want to have sex but do want to find out, just say so.

Finally finally, nothing beats working with a professional or two for overcoming sexual or relational trauma. If you’re not already each in individual therapy, consider it: over time it can help you address underlying issues that are getting between you and the sex life you want, no matter your relationship status. Finding a licensed sex therapist (look at the different licensing options in your area to find the type of professional that’s right for you) to work with together can also be a good option for support.

Q6:

How do I get over someone I never even got to start a proper relationship with? I fell head over heels for someone in my online class who lives on the other side of the country as me. We flirted for a couple weeks and then “e-dated” for about a month, having planned for me to visit them to see if our relationship was viable and to see if we should properly pursue long distance until we could be together. A week away from when I was supposed to fly out to them, they started expressing their anxiety about how the trip could go wrong. We talked for a couple days, reassuring each other that we would figure it out, no matter the scenario. Then, 5 days before the trip, after reassuring me that morning that we could handle the trip, they call me and cancel it and end everything with me. They said as the trip “got real” they realized long distance, without the ability to touch each other and incorporate each other into our daily routines, seemed terrifying to them and they no longer wanted to even try. I was in shock at first but I’ve been feeling pretty devastated this past week, especially thinking about how I should be there with them right now. How do you get over someone after having looked forward to meeting them for so long, and then not getting the chance? And having to see them every day in class? The trip, the viability of the relationship, always felt real to me- how do I accept that it’s not going to happen? How do I resist the urge to convince them to try? It was going so well leading up. How do I stop missing the daily texts, calls, facetimes- the side conversations in class with inside jokes? God I feel bamboozled.

A:

Ro: I’m so sorry this happened to you. And even though you exclusively dated this person from a distance, your feelings are still valid! Talking to anyone every day — even if that’s just over the phone or Facetime — is an intimate experience, and you were really excited about this relationship.

It sounds like you and the person you were dating want different things — you want to keep pursuing this relationship despite the distance, and they’ve concluded that a LDR isn’t right for them right now. Their timing for figuring that out really sucks, but at least they shared their needs now instead of months (or years) into a relationship.

If you’re still in touch with them, try taking some space for a while. Yes, you’ll see them in your online class, but presumably, that class has an end date. Eventually you won’t have to see their face on the other side of the screen anymore. While you’re taking that space, do your own thing! Put more energy into your friendships. Learn a new skill. Make some plans for your future. I know this hurts right now and you’re going to miss them for a while, but you won’t feel this way forever.

Himani: Totally agree with everything Ro says. I just want to also offer the thought that maybe what makes this so particularly hard is that you didn’t just lose the relationship you had but you also lost the potential relationship you had been waiting for and anticipating. While I think that’s probably true of every break up in some way or other, it feels especially true and relevant to the situation you’ve described. So just allow yourself plenty of time to grapple with that loss over not just the day to day routine that is no longer part of your life but the future you were starting to imagine for yourself. That’s really hard and I’m so sorry this happened to you. It will ease with time.

Q7:

Do any of you know a way of getting a cigarette smoke smell out of shoes? The secondhand boots I bought recently were fine until I wore them but wearing them has activated the smokiness. Thanks! No worries if not, this isn’t Ask A Clean Person from the Hairpin c.2010 after all!

A:

Ro: Ok, I’m no expert, but when I worked in theater, I had to get a lot of gnarly smells out of the shoes and costumes I wore on stage. Here are three options you can try:

1. Fill a spray bottle with cheap vodka, spritz it on your shoes and let them dry.
2. Fill a spray bottle with one part vinegar and one part water, spritz the mixture on your shoes and let them dry.
3. Fill your shoes with baking soda or dryer sheets, put them in a sealed plastic bag and put them in the freezer. Leave the shoes in there for three days — then take them out and let them thaw.

Yash: Seconding all of Ro’s tricks (and don’t forget to hit those shoes with otter wax after they dry if they’re leather!) — another thing that’s worked for me in the past with some vintage boots was tossing them in a plastic freezer bag, squeezing all the air out, and leaving them in the freezer for a few hours (up to overnight, but again, not too long, I don’t want any leather to get damaged!)

Q8:

I apologise in advance but I am somewhat emboldened a) by Shelli telling a previous questioner that AS was, in fact, Fat Girl Weekly cause she’s here weekly and b) by Vanessa including a bidet attachment in her holiday gift guide. I’m still sorry though. My question is: if you’re fat, how do you wash your ass in the shower? I’ve always had a big butt and have gained a lot of weight recently so I’m now a definite subscriber to FGW, and that’s mostly fine, but I seem to need three hands to wash my butt – two to errr open and one to wash. I’m doing my best with the two I have, but am I missing something?

A:

Vanessa: First of all I wanna say I’m obsessed with this question, it is possibly my favorite question we’ve ever received, and while I tragically did not receive a bidet for the holidays I did just buy one for myself (I ended up going with the Tushy brand option)! Living our fat ass dreams, 2022. So please, no sorries, but here’s my advice:

Really get in there! I know you’re saying you need both hands to really open up and then a third to wash, and I HEAR YOU, but as someone who has had a huge ass my whole life I can say reasonably confidently that if you are generous with your soap (I like to use this pH balance one for my ass and my vulva because I’m so prone to eczema and yeast infections, HOT FUN FACT ABOUT ME) and somewhat forceful (but careful!) with your washcloth/wash glove/hand/whatever you use in the shower, you will be able to slip and slide right between your cheeks and do a nice thorough wash. I think the key here is to really lube up the area with soap. If you have trouble reaching the area because of your fat rolls or your arm length or any other reason, a shower scrubby with a long handle can be really helpful to provide some extension.

The other thing I want to offer is seriously, get a bidet! I put it off for so long because I was embarrassed I guess? Or like a little confused about how it would work? IT WORKS LIKE A DREAM. Your ass can be so fresh and so clean all day long! It’s literally doing the job you’re talking about — you could totally use both hands to separate your ass cheeks and the stream of water from the bidet can be the third “arm” of the operation.

Lastly, because I am an intrepid journalist, I felt like my advice wasn’t ENOUGH so I did some googling and found this AMAZING blog post by Fat Girl Flow. She includes my suggestions but also has so many more (and now I really want a detachable shower head, damn). Happy showering! xoxo, Another Member of FGW

Carmen: Hi, I’m another member of FGW (I love that we’re making Fat Girl Weekly a thing), reporting for duty! So my biggest problems in the shower are lack of mobility/flexibility in my upper-to-mid back, which has only gotten only more complicated to navigate as I have more back to clean. I recognize that’s not exactly the same as the ass area, but both involve cleaning places on fat bodies that are hard to reach and not easy to see. So, I wanted to chime in with a few product recs!

Reaching your arms around your back/behind when you have more area to maneuver and clean while also having hot water pounding down you is no joke. I discovered that instead of using a hand towel or loofah sponge, I’ve gotten very into these oversized loofah-towel hybrids that can stretch from one side of my back to the other or around my ass with significant room to spare, meaning I’m no longer dislocating my arms from their sockets to reach. My favorite brand of these hybrids are Luv Scrub, which are Black owned. But they also make a more affordable option at Target that mostly gets the same job done (though I’ve noticed I have to replace it more often than Luv Scrubs? So it’s probably evening out the same). I like these loofah-towel situations because they are pliable and flexible, great for nooks and crannies, for which I definitely agree with Vanessa’s advice of “really get in there!”. But I also have other fat friends who prefer things like bath brushes, which are essentially loofahs on a stick (this like the “shower scrubbie with a long handle that Vanessa just mentioned above!). They find that the sturdiness of a stick to hold onto makes a big difference when dealing with the slipperiness of soap + water.

You’ll also want to moisturize your skin, which again, as you said, can feel like it requires three hands to reach all the places. I haven’t used in shower moisturizers like Curél Hydra Therapy Wet Skin Moisturizer and Nivea Cocoa Butter In-Shower Lotion, but I know for a fact they are a must have item for a few people in my fat beauty circles. It allows you to lock in moisture without first navigating toweling off first (again, emphasis on fewer hard reaches in our lives, please) and you can also use the slipperiness of the shower steam for easier spread. Then once you’re out of the shower, you’re ready for the day! An obvious bonus for anyone whose interest in beauty routines is “what’s the bare minimum I have to do for maximum impact.”

And just to echo Vanessa one more tme, I also want to thank you for writing in with this question! You’re already doing all the right things, but listen — sometimes bodies don’t bend like we need and sometimes it really does feel like you need three hands to cover the basics! You’ve got this, but I hope some of these suggestions help make it easier.

Q9:

I’ve been divorced from my wife for a few years now (we’re totally no contact and live in different cities) and discovered from social media that she has a new partner and recently remarried. I’ve been ruminating about our past and wishing I had done things differently, and wondering how my life might look now if we’d stayed together. I have no intention of reaching out or anything, but I’ve cried a few times since seeing the pictures of her and her new partner, especially with our (now, hers) pets. I want her to be happy, healthy, and of course to move on and have a really safe and good life. I’m also spiraling a bit and feel embarrassed and unsure of what to make of my emotions.

I’m not sure that there’s anything anyone can “do” here, but if anyone possibly relates or has insight, I’d love to hear. Thank you!

A:

Himani: I can’t relate to the exact specifics of your situation, but I will say that social media is the devil for this reason exactly. Allow yourself to feel your emotions; I think it never ends well when we shame ourselves over how we feel. As I said in response to an earlier question, it seems like part of your feelings may be about the lost potential, the could have been and also in this case, it seems like some amount of regret over your role in the present being what it is. These feelings are all valid (because all feelings are valid), but two things. One, you need to forgive yourself. I don’t know what that means specifically for you without knowing you or the details of what happened, but you need to find a way to forgive yourself for whatever things you feel you could have done differently in the past but didn’t. Sometimes, that forgiveness is about being able to tell yourself that you are a different person now, who would make different decisions and act differently.

Which brings me to the second point: Forgiving ourselves is always easier when we can point to our own present actions that demonstrate that we have learned and grown from whatever wrong we committed years ago. One of the reasons why social media is (I think) so particularly awful is that it makes it all too easy to remain trapped in the past because one can literally go and see the curated version of one’s ex or high school classmates or what have you’s life. You need to let the past go and live in your present life. Invest in your present life. If it’s a relationship you want, then start dating. And I know, I know how awful dating is, especially right now; believe me, I am by no means trying to trivialize that. But even if you aren’t able to find your next relationship in the present, focus on yourself and your life in the present.

The last two years have made this so, so incredibly difficult. I think all of us are living in the past, to some extent, because the present is so painful and so small, and the future so uncertain. I think it’s important to recognize that some of your feelings about your ex getting married might be tied up in the larger circumstances of what you’re going through with the pandemic. So acknowledge your feelings but also make sure that you’re looking at the full context of those feelings so that you can separate the pain of the past from the pain of the present.

Nicole: I’m sorry this is happening right now. So, first, I think you should get off social media for a minute! I think the first step toward stopping the spiral is to cut yourself off from the thing that started it, so I would advice temporarily uninstalling the apps in question from your phone and other devices and just trying not to open anything on the computer, if this is possible for you, just for a short time, maybe a week or two.

Okay, great, so now that you’re off social media, it’s time to deal with the feelings. There are probably two things going on here. One, your primary feelings about the photos and how they made you feel. Two, your secondary feelings about feeling bad for feeling bad! Himani is totally right that it never ends well when we shame ourselves for how we feel, so if you can let go of that shame and instead tell yourself that you’re having a perfectly human reaction, I think that might be helpful. It’s okay to tell yourself this as many times as you need to. I hope that once you can stop looking at social media and you can let go of the shame, that hopefully you will feel like you’re in a calmer place.

Then, I think that following what Himani has to say about feeling your feelings, forgiving yourself, focusing on the present — even journaling about it — will help you work through this. It might take a little time, but you have to actually let yourself face your feelings before you can move on. This will probably look like a gradual process. They’ll dull over time and someday, you might just feel a little pang when you think of those photos — and that’s it. The key is to disrupt the things that might hurt you more or cause you to continue to spiral so you can work on healing, instead. Wishing you tons of luck!

Q10:

I’ve never been one for “manifesting” but lately I’ve been curious. That said, a lot of what I find is very toxic positivity, ableist, etc. Anyone here have recommendations for queer made/inclusive manifesting prompts or guides??

A:

Himani: So I have to admit that before reading this question I had never heard of “manifesting.” I googled it and… yikes… This isn’t an answer to your question but a different one, rather, which is, if a queer person takes on a thing that’s inherently problematic, does that in and of itself make it not problematic? I find myself asking this question not infrequently when it comes to the queer community because of all the cultural obsession with new age, goopy, vaguely Eastern ish medicine and star charts. But the thing is, I grew up in so much of this stuff, wholely and entirely. So when a bunch of queer people coming from Western cultural contexts become obsessed with it, it really does make me deeply uncomfortable. Because I can tell you oh so much about what happens when people think their destiny is written in the stars or that they can just will themselves to be “healthy,” and it’s really not good. None of it is.

And I get it, medical science has failed the queer and trans communities again and again. But also? So has pseudoscience… I mean, please don’t kid yourself into denying the glaring parallel between people saying that you can just will something into happening by saying it enough times, and the long history of telling queer people that if we try hard enough we can just talk ourselves out of our “preferences.” Because again, I can tell you from personal experience that alternative approaches aren’t inherently queer/trans inclusive, in fact many of them are the actively and explicitly homophobic and transphobic, and so so many of them are so deeply misogynistic as well. I try to mostly keep my opinions to myself about this, especially when it comes to astrology, because I know that a lot of cultures have some kind of astrological beliefs, but I mean…. Deepak Chopra is really one line too far for me.

So, I don’t have an answer to your question, and I’m only half sorry for my rant. But I really want to encourage you to consider that perhaps if the resources you’re finding for manifesting are toxic positivity and abelist then maybe manifesting is not what you should be looking into? Sometimes some things are just… fucked up, even if they seem different and exciting.

I don’t know what is going on in your life that is leading you to consider this. But if you’re struggling with, for instance, health issues or chronic pain, you might want to look into mindfulness and compassion meditation and also the works of writers and activists who work on disability rights and issues.

Nicole: I have to agree with Himani that “manifesting” and other new age type trends can be really problematic. That isn’t to say that I think you are generally endorsing these types of things because you wrote in about your concerns, after all. I agree with Himani in that it might be better to look into meditation and into other tools that are not manifesting because manifesting is…pretty toxic! To continue on this roast of “manifesting” things, a lot of this type of new age stuff is rooted in watered down and stolen Indigenous and Asian spiritual practices. There are ways to practice spirituality and to get in touch with yourself that aren’t appropriative or ableist or classist and which can be very healing, to be sure, but things like “The Secret” (intentionally NOT linked) are just designed to capitalize on the helplessness and lack of control people feel over their lives, without encouraging people to explore the root causes of why they feel the way they do or to actually take action.

That being said, there’s nothing wrong with visualizing your hopes and your dreams. That is actually a vital step in the goal-setting process. (And when I say goals, these can include even something as simple as “having less anxiety when I’m trying to sleep”). Generally, you have to know what you hope to achieve before you achieve it. To separate the two: visualization is a tool and a part of an entire process/strategy that at some point involves actually taking action or making some changes and being accountable for whether or not you yourself did things — and manifesting is part of a snake oil racket that says you just need your own mind to draw what you want to you, and which also does not take caring for others into account very much. I am very on board for visualizing and Heather in fact just wrote about vision boards and also what it means to create a vision board in 2022 while you have Long Covid. Though others may disagree, I’m of the opinion that “manifesting” can see itself out of my general vicinity. I’m hoping that you find this helpful and that if you feel like everyone is just out there manifesting without you, no we are not.

Wishing you tons of healing and hope and good things this year. I’d love to know more about what others think in the comments, too, especially if you have good recommendations for things that are helpful and not ableist or appropriative that we can do as an alternative to “manifesting.”

Q11:

How do you know if you actually are polyamorous or you just really want to be polyamorous?

A:

Ryan: Obviously there’s introspection, reading (I also recommend Polysecure), research, checking in with yourself, listening to others’ experiences, journaling, and more, and I obviously encourage and endorse all of those things. But in this particular regard, I also recommend simply fucking around and finding out and – crucially – being as honest and transparent as possible with yourself and your partners as you do so.

Ro: Ryan gave great advice! I think it might also be helpful to ask yourself if you want to practice polyamory right now in your current situation, whatever that is. I know that some folks think of polyamory as a sexual orientation, while others (like me) choose to practice polyamory or monogamy according to their current needs and/or their current capacity and/or their relationship(s). And be open to experimentation! Choosing to enter into a certain relationship structure or dating style right now doesn’t mean that you have to maintain that practice in the future. People change and our needs change. Being honest with yourself and with your partner(s) is the best way to maintain a healthy and fulfilling dating life.

Q12:

I was in a situationship with a friend a few years ago, while they were long distance with their (poly) nesting partner. Their partner had some insecurity around our relationship, which escalated into conflict when my friend and their partner returned to living together. During this period of conflict, the partner adamantly didn’t want to meet or interact with me in any way. Then the pandemic happened. Fast forward nearly two years. My friend and I are less situationship-y, but they’re still one of the people I’m closest to, and we talk nearly every day (long distance). I’ve been able to see my friend twice post-vaccination, but I’m really sad I still haven’t met their partner. We also haven’t spoken digitally; we’ve never been included in a group chat or email together. I’ve talked to my friend about this a few times. They say their partner no longer has any lingering insecurity or resentment, and would like to meet me. We finally have a visit scheduled for the end of January, COVID-willing, and I am *terrified*. Like, having-nightmares, spontaneous-panic anxious. By all accounts there’s nothing to worry about! It’s been literal years since things were weird! Everything’s good and stable now! I can’t even concretely identify what I’m scared of! How do I stop freaking out about this?

A:

Himani: Given the history, it’s understandable why you’re freaking out. For me, when I’m faced with a social interaction that feels like it might be fraught or stressful, I do the best I can to plan in advance. Be clear with yourself whether or not you want to rehash the past with this person. (I’m guessing probably not, but make sure you know the answer to that question in case it gets sprung on you and also so that you can manage your own feelings and expectations if your friend’s partner just manifestly ignores any previous actions that might have hurt you.) And then plan on what you can talk about with this friend in case you find things are getting awkward or you’re struggling to find things to talk about. Usually, doing some version of this helps me manage some of my anxieties going into a meeting with someone that I’m stressed about.

Q13:

At the start of 2019, I finally got my long hair cut off and replaced with a plain, straight-back-and-sides type “”””men’s”””” haircut. It was an absolute boon to my satisfaction with my gender presentation and also just to my self esteem in general. But, of course, there’s an ongoing pandemic. I’ve spent the last two years avoiding barbers like the plague and even though I’m double vaxxed and there’s relatively low community transmission where I am, it’s still clear that everything’s “opening up” and going to go to shit, and in short, I know I’m going to stay deeply uncomfortable of taking covid risks for a very long time.

Please, please, do any of you have experience, or advice, or links, or any description of word-of-mouth butch wisdom about how to cut your own hair? For someone with a regrettably heteronormative workplace who can’t get away with something choppy and punk? I’m prepared to spend money on clippers and a mirror, and I’m in the process of trying to find tips on youtube. But it’s a bit daunting!! Please help!

A:

Ro: Cutting your own hair is not that hard! You just have to be ok with the fact that it probably won’t look super slick and professional after your first few attempts. There’s a learning curve — but you can do it! Get yourself some clippers and guards (I got mine for around $20) and make sure you have two mirrors so you can see the back of your head (or ask a partner or roommate to help). It’s a good idea to start with a longer guard on your clippers — you can always switch to a shorter guard and take off more, but if you go too short, you’re stuck with what you’ve cut.

There are YouTube tutorials for all kinds of haircuts, so you can probably find one that matches the style you want. I’ve cut my own hair in a number of ways, but the easiest style for me to maintain is short on the sides, long on the top. I’m a white person with thick, wavy hair, and I like to go for something that’s intentionally a little “messy” on top — this helps me hide my mistakes!

Q14:

Do y’all have any advice, resources, etc for dealing with climate grief? It’s really been getting me lately and I want to be able to manage it without burying my head in the sand. Yesterday I saw an image of a melting glacier and couldn’t get any work done for the rest of the day. It just doesn’t feel like I can keep going like this, so even just insight into how y’all keep living while the world is dying would be appreciated.

A:

Himani: Oh yes, let me just start by saying you are absolutely not alone in this. I don’t have specific resources I can point you to, but I can certainly commiserate, and I’ll share the few things that I do to manage how I feel about all this.

First, I think there’s a line between knowing your limits and burying your head in the sand. For those of you might have previously read the Extra! Extra! column, there was a reason I had to pull the plug on that after a year and a half. I just could not read and process that much news any more, especially on a regular basis. One thing I’ve found helpful is to recognize that my consumption of the news, and particular topics in the news, changes from day to day, week to week, month to month. There are weeks and (at some particularly low points for me, months) where my news consumption was basically just “scroll through headlines” because that’s enough to get the gist of what’s going on. When it comes to climate news this is especially true. I have to be in the right emotional state to read a full article about some other horrible thing that scientists have finally measured that has been going on for years or is worse than they previously thought, or how America couldn’t even pass the very low stakes Build Back Better bill because the oil industry lines Joe Manchin’s pockets (even when his own fucking constituents and the republican governor of his state were like “omg please pass this bill…”) or how the rainforest is on fire again or some other heart breaking article about the horrifying trauma we inflict on animals or… yea I could keep going but I’ll stop there. My point is, I think you can have your pulse on what is generally going on without fully exposing yourself to things that are just going to send you in a spiral.

And then… I feel like I write this a lot in response to a lot of people’s questions in the A+ advicebox but ambiguous grief and ambiguous loss are real, and when it comes to climate change I think those apply. Allow yourself to feel that loss and that grief. Acknowledge that pain and all the uncertainty that comes with it. But also, one thing I’ve had to learn to be better about is compartmentalizing some of my feelings. I give them space but I can’t let them take over my life. Just as much as I need to allow myself the space to feel all my feelings of anger and sorrow I also need to take the time to recognize the few moments of joy and happiness and peace I find in the places I can.

The other thing I find helpful is to do the small things I can, knowing they are paltry, knowing that in the scheme of things individual action is really not what matters here. But I’ve been increasingly trying to buy things used, for instance. I’ve been trying to rely less on shipping, or shipping to stores instead of to my apartment, and never using expedited shipping methods because there’s both a human and environmental toll to those things. I don’t own a car and rely on public transit or walking as much as I can, limiting how often I use things like Lyft/Uber to the extent possible. And then, after all that, I allow myself to feel my sadness and grief about the climate but also a sense of small personal accomplishment and comfort in the fact that I’m not just burying my head in the sand and am actually doing the little bit that I can.

Increasingly, I’m finding that there are just some things in life that I am always going to be a little sad about, a little melancholy about, regrets that I will always carry because I can’t change other people, I can’t change the political situation, I can’t change climate change. For myself, to keep it manageable so that I’m not overwhelmed by depression constantly, I have been trying to be more and more intentional about recognizing the positive moments and feelings alongside the painful ones. Therapy and related mental health care have been invaluable in this, for me, to be honest. But beyond that, unfortunately, I don’t have a great answer for you.

Nicole: Hello! So, Himani had some great things to say about dealing with the feelings of climate grief in general, and I hope that you can be kind to yourself here. It can feel impossible to cope with because the problem is So Large, it is all-encompassing, right? But also, because it is connected to everything, there are things you can do about your grief and that’s where I’m going to focus because, it’s true, corporations and our governments are likely not going to save us. But does that mean there is no hope? Maybe there isn’t, so long as we (defined here as a majority of humans) remain either apathetic or if we give into despair, then it’s true that nothing can be done. But the thing is, there are climate activists working across the world to turn things around right now, and it’s all our job to do our part, and to try and hold out hope for as long as we can. I don’t think that we’re going to get away from grief. It’s a normal response to loss and suffering, but your grief doesn’t have to end there. You can use your feelings to drive yourself to make positive change. If you want to support climate change activism, you can do things like:

• Give money, especially to Indigenous-led organizations working in climate activism, and/or also to abolitionist organizations, to people working for border reform and for the rights of refugees, to the campaigns of people working to secure voting rights — because it’s all tied together.
• Volunteer — and there are so many ways. For example: Climate change is already leading to countless people being forced to flee their homes, but if you can support the work that people are already doing around the rights of migrants and borders, you are helping to deal with some of the fallout from climate change. Then, work in police and prison abolition is tied to climate activisim because guess who gets called when, for example, people take direct action against the construction of oil pipelines? It’s the cops. Not only that, but abolitionists seek to divert resources from police departments and toward building up our communities and infrastructure instead. So many of the issues we are working on today are going to be exascerbated by climate change. It’s not so much that climate change is going to create whole new problems so much as it is making the problems we already have (and are already working to address) worse. Housing, for example, is going to be an even bigger deal as climate change continues. So, then, if you, one single human, devote time and energy to abolitionist work and/or towards housing advocacy alongside other humans doing the same, you are also helping both with climate activisim and with dealing with some of the consequences of climate change and how it affects humans. The thing that will make this activism work is if everyone plugs into it in some way. You cannot and do not have to do everything, but you certainly can do something.
• Encourage others to do the above, too. Build your community, connect with others when you can, be up front and make it weird. We aren’t going to be able to be complacent as climate change worsens, not if we want to have any hope of mitigating the damage. I deeply want you to know that you are not alone in this.
• Read / listen / learn widely on the topic (I realize that this is tempered with Himani’s advice about also being mindful of what you take in when you’re already feeling overwhelmed), especially so that you know that you aren’t alone in your grief. You can start with this post, which also has a part 2 linked within, on building resilience in the face of climate change. This is also definitely a Youtube video essay style essay (complete with costumes and jokes!), but I thought that Philosophy Tube’s (creator Abigail Thorn’s) video on Climate Grief was helpful, but what’s also REALLY helpful is her bibliography at the bottom of the video which contains reading and other videos you can watch! Note that this video is from before she came out, but she hasn’t taken it down so I am assuming it’s okay to link to. I’m really very new to Youtube and my sister sent me her stuff, which is how I’ve found it, but I suspect that there might actually be a great deal on Youtube addressing climate grief if you poke around a little (be careful of that algorithm, though).

This is also maybe really weird, but I also like to read SFF set in post-apocalyptic worlds. N.K. Jemisin’s Broken Earth Trilogy comes to mind as an example, as does Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower. How do we connect and live with each other when everything is on fire? How do we grieve living in a dying world? Fiction helps me work through feelings about the Big Stuff like this, and so I’m putting this suggestion here because maybe it will help you, too.

It’s also very okay to be upset. It’s upsetting. I hope that some of these things can help you climb back out of that hole. I hope that others will join in with more resources and help and advice. You can keep going. I believe in you, and I believe we can keep going together. Sending you LOTS OF LOVE!!

Q15:

Poly/open relationship question:

My gf and I have always been monogamous, though she mentioned in the past she’d been open to an open relationship of some capacity. For the past few months, we’ve had a mutual queer friend and I developed a crush. TL;DR: I talked to both my gf and said crush, and my gf said she’d be interested in opening up for this person, and this person said they were “interested” as well. Great! We settled on taking things slow for a few months, focusing on friendship, and said the crush could reach out to us if/when she’s ready to take other steps. The friend is younger, and far less experienced, so I feel good about this ethically–I don’t want to pressure or rush.

All of that said, as I sit on my high horse of ethics, I feel weirdly… bad? I’m craving affirmation from her, flirting, etc, though that’s obviously not what we agreed upon right now. Nothing is wrong, and yet I’m ruminating on wondering if she’ll change her mind (which would, of course, be fine and valid) or if she’ll find someone else and lose interest, etc. Logically all of this would be ok, but it’s like my ego is already wounded.

Can anyone talk some sense into me?? I’m confused and annoyed with myself.

A:

Vanessa: Hi babe! I’m sorry you’re feeling confused and annoyed with yourself. I’d like to start by offering what my best friend often says to me when I get down on myself about inconvenient feelings, which is: can you try to just feel your feelings, and not judge yourself for having them? You’re feeling weirdly bad. You’re craving attention from your crush. You’re unsure if she’s still into you. You’re navigating a new relationship dynamic within an established dynamic. Your ego is wounded. That’s a lot to hold! What if you just hold all of those feelings (no small task!) instead of also adding judgment onto yourself for having those feelings? I know it’s challenging — it is literally the work I am currently trying to do in therapy, it’s excruciating when you’re a person who has a habit of judging yourself! — but you will be giving yourself a gift if you can just feel the feelings, or notice what your body and brain are telling you, rather than piling judgment on top of that, too.

So that said, what to do about your current situation. Honestly… probably not much. It sounds like you have a crush! Crushes can be fun and crushes can be terrible! You and your current crush agreed to take things super slow, so you’re not going to be getting any of the fun crush feelings just yet because that’s not where you’re up to. It may pan out in the future or it may not — that’s kind of how crushes go. This particular piece of the puzzle strikes me as less related to non-monogamy and more related to just regular ol’ crush dynamics. If you want to speed things up with the actual crushing part of your crush, I’d suggest talking to her again and expressing that! Maybe you want to start texting or flirting explicitly and see what happens. If you’re upfront about this you’ll be able to give her a chance to have agency over whether she’s still into it or not.

All of that said, the main thing I’d actually caution you to focus on right now is the intentionality behind your plan to open up your existing relationship. I speak from experience in saying that if neither you nor your current partner have ever practiced non-monogamy before you will definitely see a learning curve, and you will likely make mistakes and hurt each other (often unintentionally!). I wonder if it’s easier to focus on how you feel about your crush right now because it would be more challenging to look to your partner and wonder how you two can go about opening your relationship in a way that will feel good and healthy to the two of you and also to any additional people you bring into your lives. I don’t mean to be preachy — maybe you’ve already done this work, maybe you and your partner have been open in the past, maybe I am totally off-base — but I don’t think it’s ever a bad time to work on strengthening communication skills with a romantic partner. Take this slow time with your crush as an opportunity to really talk to your current partner about what your dream relationship structure is, how you plan to tackle problems as they arise, what you both know (and don’t know) about polyamory, and anything else you can think to discuss. That way, regardless of whether this particular crush works out or not, when there’s a crush you want to pursue (or your partner wants to pursue!) in the future, you’ll all be ready.

Q16:

CONTENT WARNING: sexual assault

I have just moved into a beautiful apartment with my partner. It’s our first place together and we are really excited. Finding any apartment was a challenge and the search was exhausting, so finding such a nice one in our budget seems like a huge stroke of luck.

Unfortunately, I’ve just learned that our new next-door neighbour is the man who raped a friend of mine a few years back. He’s already been very friendly and talkative so we’re likely to have at least brief interactions with him frequently.

It’s hard to tell how I’m going to feel about this in the months to come. I don’t think he’s likely to move away. My friend doesn’t think he’s likely to be dangerous to a neighbour. She probably wouldn’t have been a regular visitor in any case so her not being able to visit isn’t a huge factor. At first I thought it was no worse than being unaware of the characters of strangers living around you but now I’m not sure. How will my other survivor friends feel about visiting? Is the default course of action to tell everyone or no-one? How will my partner and I feel about being in the apartment while the other one is out of town? And if anything were to happen, will I blame myself for not anticipating it? This move has taken so much out of us, I don’t think we can start over right now.

A:

Himani: Wow, I am so sorry about this whole situation. Just so sorry. Here are my thoughts, though others may rightly disagree and perhaps you won’t find them useful.

As a grounding point to my response, I want to state and emphasize the obvious: assaulters should not assault, it is that simple. It is not on you to keep yourself or your friends from being assaulted. I think it’s important to remind yourself of this because I firmly believe in the philosophy of movements like “Take Back the Night.” You should be able to rent a nice apartment in your price range and live there safely with your partner and have your friends visit without having to worry about the actions of your neighbor.

That said, I think it’s also important and valuable to do things that can help you feel and also possibly be safer in ways that feel doable. If you haven’t already, consider some safety plans and protocols for the scenarios you describe. For instance, if you’re inviting any friends over (survivor or not) will escorting them to and from the building entrance to your apartment help you feel like you’re keeping them a little safer? Will making sure that you have your phone on your person at all times and making sure it’s charged help you feel safer? Will installing a deadbolt lock and a latch help, particularly for the times when you or your partner are traveling? What about locks on your windows, especially the one to the fire escape and/or any balconies?

And then, also, to what extent can you shut down communication with this man? My go-to approach for people who want to chat with me that I really don’t want to talk to is to say “hi” and keep walking; if they try to stop me for conversation I say, “Sorry, I’m in a rush” and keep walking. Resting bitch face and headphones (but with no music on so you can hear your surroundings) also help a lot. After enough iterations, many people often take the hint.

Just to be super clear, I want to reiterate that it is not on you to control another person’s actions, regardless of whether you do some or none of the things I’ve suggested above. This is where I do, personally, agree with your initial inclination that, “It was no worse than being unaware of the characters of strangers living around you.” Because the sad truth is that you could be faced with this type of situation anywhere without even knowing it and that all the precautionary measures in the world aren’t any guarantee because there are just, unfortunately, terrible people in the world.

But even after all that, if you just feel like you can’t get any peace of mind and you can’t really live in comfort, then you really might want to consider moving. I understand that moving is awful and finding apartments is incredibly hard. So this really is purely something only you and your partner can decide for yourselves, but reminding yourself that you could exit the situation might also ease some of how you feel about all of this.

Nicole: I am so sorry that you’re in this situation. Himani’s advice is great and I want to echo that, honestly, you could encounter rapists and assaulters in any apartment building. Not to get too personal with this, but when I was in high school and living with my mom and sister, we had to move because a man across the hall Just Wouldn’t Leave My Mom Alone. He’d leave his apartment door open so he would hear her if she came or went and I SUSPECT so that our cat would run into his apartment and she’d be forced to go collect the cat. (Did I retrieve the cat on a couple occasions? Sure did.) Then, we moved, only for a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MAN to start stalking her (and us) by literally spying through our windows in the ground floor apartment. We eventually moved again.

All that is to say, people who violate others and violate boundaries are abundant and I hope that you and your partner will not have to deal with this man, to the extent that you can. I also say the above because I have found that it is often the creepiest people in the apartment building who can be the friendliest. Guy across the hall? Loved to chat! Stalker? LOVED to get his groceries in my check-out line when I worked at the grocery store. They do not care about others’ feelings and often intentionally lean on the ways in which so many of us are socialized (or forced because it is a requirement of our job) to be “nice” in order to get away with their behavior. (I imagine you already know this. I am just saying it as a big ol reminder of what I think his M.O. might be based on my experiences.) But, to me, his friendliness, knowing what you know of him, is a red flag. Often predators / abusers and the like will project a lot of friendliness, to put you at ease and to start the grooming process with you and other people around them. His general friendliness is likely a part of his whole thing. Because what will happen if one person complains about him? Everyone will say “but he’s so nice.” He might be hoping that if you hear or see something, you won’t think anything of it, because he’s been so “nice.” So, that’s where the red flag comes in for me there. I like Himani’s advice about shutting down his efforts at communciation early and often. He doesn’t deserve your niceness and if you feel safe giving him a firm cold shoulder, then that is what I advise you do. Of course, my advice is also to do what feels safest, first and foremost (so if you feel unsafe not being a little nice, please prioritize your safety), but follow your gut, and try to avoid him whenever you can so that you don’t run as much of a risk.

Back to the fact that folks like this are everywhere: I am also of the opinion that you shouldn’t *have* to move because of a terrible man in your building. You didn’t do anything wrong, moving is exhausting, finding a place to live is really fraught — so many things! And also, you never know what you’re going to wind up with in terms of neighbors next, so that is also something to factor into your decision-making should the situation start to feel untenable. However, you might have to move if anything escalates with him, so that is a possibility.

As for what you should say to visitors, I think that honesty is really the best policy here and that warning people is a good thing. If knowing that you have a neighbor who is a rapist makes someone too uncomfortable to visit, then I hope that you can find somewhere else to meet. If I were a guest, it would be better for me to know that the Very Friendly Man in the apartment building is someone to be wary of.

Finally, in terms of how you and your partner deal with this, Himani had great safety suggestions, and I think also that as trite as it is, communication is key. Check in with each other periodically and see how you’re feeling over time. Maybe it’s not something that will affect you much, or maybe it will be an issue. Maybe one of you will feel less safe than the other and you’ll want to talk about that. Only time will let you know that part, and until then, I just hope you stay safe and that you keep those lines of communication open.

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