Welcome to the 5th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun.
We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!
Q.
So I was recently dumped for being “too nice” to the girl I was seeing. Of course it’s impossible to know if this was the genuine reason or a convenient excuse. She definitely does have a history of being in relationships with people who treat her horrible and not realizing it’s a problem. So maybe it’s not so far fetched that she felt that way. I am very confused by this reason and don’t understand what it would even mean to be too nice. Naturally a google search returned with lots of men complaining about the friend zone and nice guys finishing last which needless to say is definitely not what I wanted. Is there something I should be learning from this or doing? Or does this say more about her than me?
A.
Rachel, Managing Editor: Hm I have no idea what that could mean, to be totally honest — I think I would choose to interpret what she’s saying as “we aren’t a good fit” and not take it too much to heart. Maybe instead you can think about the next person – hopefully someone for whom you will be exactly the right amount of nice, and they to you.
Valerie Anne, Staff Writer: I once had a friend “break up” with me because I was too nice. Actually I think the term she used was “too much of a Hufflepuff.” It’s exactly what Rachel said, we just weren’t a good fit. For example, when she was upset, I would try to comfort her, as is my nature, and that’s not what she wanted or needed. So I think this is just a compatibility issue, not anything fundamentally wrong with what you were doing.
Q.
If I’m considering breaking up with my girlfriend I should probably just break up with her, right??
A.
Carolyn, NSFW Consultant: Yes.
Rachel: Yeah. :(
Q.
How does dating… work? I am in my mid-twenties, but was deeply closeted, and then “married to my work,” so I have exactly zero experience. I just moved to a new city and have had two first dates (thanks, Tinder) that were pleasant. I didn’t really see us having a long-term connection, so I didn’t ask either lady for a second date (and they haven’t asked me). How do I know whether to ask for a second date? What’s the etiquette for a first date that’s fun but a little awkward and there’s no real connection? Are my expectations too high re: there being a “connection” during a two-hour coffee date? Is just having an overall nice time with someone a good enough reason to see them again, or am I wasting their time if I don’t really see it going anywhere? Am I overthinking this?
A.
Carolyn: You’re definitely overthinking it, but your expectations are not too high. First dates are best thought of almost as auditions – you’re spending 45 minutes to two hours together just to see if you like each other enough to actually hang out again, and you’re not going to leave one in love or married (at least, not if you have healthy boundaries and a sense of self). If the date is pleasant but there’s no connection, then there’s no connection and it’s not worth taking it further.
Heather Hogan, Managing Editor: I don’t think you’re necessarily overthinking it — figuring out how exactly you like to date is hard! — but I do think maybe you’re putting a little bit too much pressure on yourself and those two-hour coffee conversations.
If you’re not enjoying a first date, it’s okay to just stay for an hour and then say you have to get to another thing. Thank them for meeting up, and that’s all. You should ask for a second date simply if you enjoyed your time with a person enough to want to see them again. As a person who is also married to her work (and partnered with someone who is married to her work) we both knew that we had something special when we realized that we wanted to use some of the very few hours we weren’t working to spend time with each other. If a person makes you laugh or stimulates you intellectually or gives you warm fuzzies in a way that makes you want more of those things, ask for a second date.
The “connection” question is tricky because that means different things to different people. If you’re asking if you should want to marry someone after sharing an espresso and a slice of coffee cake, probably that is too high of an expectation. But sensing or experiencing something with that person that makes you curious and excited about sharing another slice of coffee cake with them, that’s not too much to expect at all. And finally, you are not wasting their time! They’re not some friend you asked to come over and help you move a dresser and when they get there you haven’t even cleaned out the drawers! They’re a person who has an hour and wanted to spend it with you based on something they saw in you!
Q.
Help! I’m at a point in my life and adulthood where I am not feeling fulfilled with my connections with people and DESPERATELY want to make more queer friends. I’m beginning to understand that the problem is probably me and the fact that I have a really really hard time opening up to people. I think I’m awesome and have so much to offer but without really connecting and being truthful and sharing things about myself no one is going to know! I struggle a lot with depression and it can make it so hard to be real with people when I’m trying to make it seem like I’m doing fine and keeping people from asking too many questions, but it isn’t doing me any favors. How can I learn to open up???
A.
Yvonne, former Senior Editor: I think it’s just baby steps at this point. Challenge yourself to tell a friend one thing that you’ve never told anyone. Start off small! Like tell them about when you were in junior high and you farted in class and then you pretended like nothing happened. You don’t have to tell friends about your deepest, darkest secrets if you don’t want to, but people crave intimacy and connection. Your friends want to know that they’re not alone in the world and that you feel the same things they feel so you share stories about your life. Our experiences and what we’ve seen and done brings us closer together so all you got to do is share those things with people. Once you’re vulnerable with someone, they’ll open up to you right back and strengthen your relationship. First, baby steps!
Q.
The queer student group at my grad school just eliminated the trans inclusion committee (which I was on) without telling any of the committee members, or listening to us about our needs. Instead, they’re funding an event with the gross trans-exclusionary women’s group. I just feel so… disappointed and bitter. I kinda want to start a separate group for trans students, but also I got burned out on queer organizing in undergrad. I just don’t know what to do or how to deal with this. I don’t want to just take it lying down, but also I’m just so burned out and upset – if any of you have advice on dealing with stuff like this I would really appreciate it. <3
A.
KaeLyn, Staff Writer: Activist self care is challenging exactly because the work that makes the world a slightly better place is also the work that results in burn out. Especially when it’s personal and especially when it feels like the right thing to do for others as well as ourselves. First and foremost, I’m sorry that the queer students at your school are being trans-exclusionary and also, like, complete assholes. Second, taking care of yourself first is not the same thing as “taking it lying down.” You don’t have to fight every fight and even if you do, you can’t fight well if you’re not taking care of yourself. Start with taking care of you. Maybe instead of jumping right into organizing a trans student group, you could create some space for trans people to come together and heal from this traumatic BS, whether that’s a bitch session or a chill hang out or whatever. I imagine you’re not alone in feeling this and maybe just being with other people who are feeling it, too, will help you collectively figure out what you need to do to keep your trans family connected and represented on your campus.
Q.
How do you support an ex who just went through a rough breakup? ALSO to make things more complicated, you were the one who set them up in the first place…
A.
Heather: Luckily, the skills used for helping an ex through a breakup are the same skills used for helping a regular friend through a breakup. (As long as you are over this human! If you are not, you should not be helping them through a breakup, but should, instead, be getting a little bit of emotional space for yourself to move on.) Ask them what they want/need from you right now. Then, be there for them in those ways if you want to and it’s emotionally healthy for you to do so. Listen, affirm their feelings, encourage them, spend time with them doing things that make them happy. It’s really inconsequential that you set them up. You never know what kind of unique alchemy two people are going to have. You made a suggestion with your friends’ best intentions at heart, that’s all. The one thing you don’t want to do is make it about you. “Oh, I feel so bad. Oh, all this pain is happening because of me. Oh, if I’d never set you up, you’d be so carefree and alive.” ‘Cause then you’re causing your ex to do emotional labor on you, reassuring you that this isn’t your fault (it’s not), when this is the time you want to be showing up for them. (In my opinion, the best possible breakup movie is Legally Blonde, just FYI.)
Siobhan, Contributing Writer: Unless you’re having set them up is making them feel negative/weird about you, in which case give them some space (and let them take the lead on setting that) do not bring it up. Otherwise its as Heather says, treat them like any other friend who needs comfort during a break up. Oh, but also, do not hook up with them and if you’re getting those vibes from them back off (unless you have a when single fwb situation going). Feeling sad about a breakup and being reminded of all the things you like about your previous ex who happens to be right there being nice to you can lead to poor romance decisions and the only thing worse than a rebound fling is a rebound fling with an ex.
Q.
I recently came out as using they/them pronouns to my queer social circles, and it’s felt great to finally be able to say my correct pronouns out loud. However, my main (all queer) friend group has not quite been 100% on sticking with them so far. Being misgendered when I was closeted definitely sucked, but now that I’ve started telling people the right pronouns, it feels 1000X worse when they get it wrong. I have misgendered people before and I know from experience that it feels horrible to realize that you’ve made that mistake. Plus, these people are my dear friends and I know that they aren’t doing it on purpose. Still, I really need them to get their act together because this is my safe space, and it’s the only space that I really feel like I should be able to expect the correct pronouns to be used for me.
So my question is, what’s the best way to keep them on track without hurting everyone’s feelings? Every time I correct someone I get all nervous, like I’m having to come out to them all over again. And I HATE coming out. Plus, I worry that it will make people more uncomfortable if I say something in the middle of a conversation with other people around, rather than mentioning it when we’re alone. I hate the “I’m sorry” outbursts possibly more than the actual misgendering; it makes me feel super dysphoric and burdensome so I want to avoid making people uncomfortable as much as possible. And do I just casually correct, or should I explain to them how much it hurts me when they misgender me so they understand how important it is? I’ve considered making a post about this on our group facebook page to avoid the confrontation, but I feel like that would make it into a bigger deal than I want it to be. I’ve also thought about talking to the other trans people in our friend group to seek advice/backup, but that would require talking about my FEELINGS and asking for help, and those are two things that I am very very bad at. I know that they’re doing their best, I just don’t know how to teach them to do better.
Help please!
Sincerely, Call Me By My Pronouns
A.
Archie, Comic Artist: You’re not hurting their feelings by correcting a mistake. A mistake is simply a mistake — everyone makes them and you can’t fix a mistake unless you know it’s been made. Interrupt the conversation. Hell, interrupt them mid-sentence. Make it annoying until they learn to stop doing it. You don’t have to be mean about it. In fact, reading your question I really doubt you’d be mean about it.
However I give you full permission to be stern about your pronouns. A simple “I use they/them, remember?” If they start to go down the rabbit hole of apologies and guilt, I give you permission to interrupt them then too! “It’s okay, you don’t have to be sorry, just work on getting it right. Thanks.” As you said, you “really need them to get their act together” and it’s not your job to hold their hand while they do it. These people love and care for you and part of loving and caring for a person is correcting mistakes when they happen and doing the hard work of not repeating the mistakes. Part of teaching your friends how to love and care for you is telling them when they fuck up. It’s a two-way street of communicative friendship!
Absolutely make a post in the online group — this is a great way for folks to digest information alone and on their own terms without you having to hear them process any feelings they might have about it. Tell them to buy this book or borrow it from the library. I know I’m biased because I’m the author, but I’ve gotten enough notes from cis allies (and gender non-conforming folks) saying it was incredibly useful. Good luck!
Q.
I need clothes advice! How do you keep you bra straps from sliding down when you wear a button down? With most t-shirts they stay up ok, most of the time. But with button downs I just can’t get them to stay on my shoulders.
A.
KaeLyn: Firstly, thank you for naming this problem. I deal with it ALL THE TIME. We can not possibly be the only two people in the world who suffer. Regardless of what type of shirt I’m wearing, my bra straps are always slipping off my shoulders. I’m always reaching into the collar of my shirt to yank them up. I’ve mostly just learned to live with it, but I’ve also learned some ways to avoid it:
- Racerback or T-back bras. It seems obvious once you think of it, but racerback and t-back bras connect in the middle of the back and so the straps are more secured from the middle, almost halter-style, and unlikely to slip off your shoulders. I’m not only talking about sports bras, which typically have this style. They make regular bras like this, too, in all different styles.
- Bralettes. If you don’t need a lot of support under your shirts and you don’t want the boob squish that comes with a sports bra or compression bra, bralettes are the perfect comfort option. They make so many styles now! Some look pretty close to a regular bra under shirts. I have big ol’ 44 DD’s and I still sling them into a bralette under my work shirts sometimes if I don’t feel like dealing with slipping straps.
- Bra clips or bra straps. Caveat, the bra clips may hurt to wear for extended periods of time, especially if you have a bigger chest, because they change how the weight is distributed drastically. They’re just not… made for comfort. The bra straps aren’t uncomfortable, but they’re hard to put on. That said, both these products basically cinch or connect the straps of your bra across your back and they do both work!
Products that haven’t worked for me include dress tape or fashion tape (did nothing for me) and silicone strap holders (bulky and didn’t work for me). Good luck!
Q.
How do I ask my stylist for the men’s haircut price now that she has been cutting my hair in a short partially buzzed cut for about the last year? It’s a $14 difference!
A.
Mika, Find Your Fit Contributor: I would straight up ask her what makes a ‘men’s haircut’ in their shop. Once she discloses if it’s just any short style, then I would question if you can get that price since your cut qualifies!
Q.
I’ve been in a relationship since the start of this year and it’s amazing. I’m super happy about it. It’s also my first relationship that’s lasted more than a month or two and that I know I want to be in for a long time, so it’s extra exciting. But because it’s a first, and because I’m in my late 20s and therefore have had quite a bit of time to get used to being single, I’m struggling to figure out what I want it to look like. Stuff like how much time I want to spend with her, what I want us to do together now and in the future, where our boundaries are. I have to figure out how to be in a relationship with her AND how to be in a relationship.
I also feel like there’s conflicts between what my heart and my brain want, and difficulty discerning what I actually want from what I’m culturally expected to want or what I would enjoy if this were a romance story I was reading. Autonomy and solitude are important to both of us, and we both want to devote a lot of time and energy to our creative pursuits. I also think about her all the time and daydream about spending more time together. It’s hard to know what would work for me without having tried any of it before, and I don’t really know how to experiment in this situation that depends on someone else’s energy and emotions. I know having conversations with her about this is the obvious thing to do and I plan to do it, but how do I go into those conversations without having basic ideas about what I want?
PS: Much love to you all. Getting A+ was one of the first things I did after I started my new job and it was an excellent move.
A.
Molly, Staff Writer: Congrats on finding someone you like spending time with! That’s a very exciting thing to happen in our lives, so I don’t blame you for starting to panic about keeping it pure in its nascent state. At the same time, because you don’t have experience in this arena, you can’t possibly know what you want until you experience it, or until you experience the things you DON’T want. In order to really understand yourself and your person on these issues, being open and honest is key. Not many people can tell the future (I really think some people can but that’s a different answer all together), and not many people can successfully force a relationship into the ideal shape they want. Relationships, like people, are what they are. We can work on them together, we can change and fix some things, but you can’t control how your person (or yourself, for that matter) will feel forever or how life will come at the both of you. All you can do is enjoy the present for what it is, try to remove preconceived expectations, and appreciate this person and this relationship for who and what they are to you at this moment. The future will get here on its own, and there’s literally nothing any of us can do about that to make it happen sooner or to make a relationship bloom faster. Patience, openness, and honest communication with yourself and your partner are important here.
Q.
But what if I’m the toxic one? No, seriously. I feel like I’m always the one spelling disaster and never doing the right thing. I dunno.
A.
Heather: If you’re able to talk to a therapist, I think that would be a great start to unpacking this question. If you’re not able to talk to a therapist, maybe you could pick out a handful of these things you think you’re doing that spell disaster and do a little research and self-examination, starting to figure out why you do what you do and how it manifests itself historically in your relationships. I think it’s really mature to ask this question. I think we should all ask this question. Not to judge or to berate ourselves, but to learn to take responsibility for what’s on us and let go of what isn’t.
Q.
Howdy! I am, as of tonight, packing all of my belongings up in my shared apartment with my partner and moving them to my mother’s place by way of uber. I am ghosting my partner of 3 years while they are on a trip to the other side of the country for the next 5 weeks. I keep seeing articles all over the internet about how fucked up ghosting is and while I can now recognize that, I have been in a deeply abusive relationship which seems to require that I ghost. I still feel a lot of guilt and shame over it. I think I’m afraid it’s wrong of me to hurt them like this. Like… that whole dialogue on not dehumanizing and alienating abusers is something I genuinely believe in. I don’t know how to reconcile that belief with the actual experience of trying to break up with them about 8 times this month and being subsequently talked out of it every single time. I’m really afraid of what might come of this. The last text I got from them before I blocked both theirs and their mothers number (because they had been calling and texting me with both), was about how this was “going to get bloody.” They sent paragraphs to my other partner up until she had to block them as well.
I think I kind of just need someone other than my therapist to tell me that there may be validity to needing too disappear even if its going to permanently traumatize someone else.
Sincerely, someone who accidentally dated the equivalent of their manipulative father, realized and joked about it, and then didn’t do anything about it for another year.
A.
Alexis, Staff Writer: You are totally valid for making this choice. Them threatening you, especially with, “going to get bloody” is more than valid enough for you to leave and leave in a way that feels safe to you. I understand you’re worried about permanently traumatizing someone else, but from over here, I don’t see that happening at all. They chose how to treat you, continued to choose how they treated you even when you tried to break it off, and threatened you in (I’m assuming) an effort to get you to stay. Anything that comes from this break, they’ve played a huge role in. You are not to blame for how they feel after this. You do not deserve any of this. You’re allowed to leave and you’re allowed to feel whatever you feel and you’re allowed to stay gone if you can. I think there’s a big difference between ghosting, like the ones we read about in articles, and what you’re doing here.
I don’t think you’re ghosting, I think you’re doing what you need to do to save yourself and that is more than okay.
Alyssa Andrews, Comic Artist: You do not ever have to feel bad for any effort you have to make to leave an abusive situation. Period. Ever. There’s no determining factor of what is or isn’t bad enough to constitute your leaving. You feel unsafe, and you are leaving. That is the right thing to do.
When we shame behaviors like ghosting in a relationship, it’s never about the act of leaving and more about the why behind it. Ghosting is a term reserved for folks selfishly dodging accountability for their own actions and choices. That is not what this is. You are not responsible for any of what is happening, or how they are treating you.
It’s fair to have complex feelings about how we dehumanize abusers – and it’s fair to not want to perpetuate that out into the world. It is true, that abusive people need help and support, themselves. It is also true, though, that it is not your job to be that for them. It isn’t in your best interest to endure harm so they don’t feel bad. It isn’t even in their best interest to be supported in a way that allows them to continue harming. They need to be able to seek that help, and to face accountability for the things they do to others. We are bad people when we don’t own our bad shit and make real tangible changes to repair the harm that we’ve caused or break our own cycles of perpetuating that harm. That work is theirs to do alone.
Reader, you matter. Your safety and care is important. Doing what you need to do to get out of this situation in a way that feels possible and safe will never be the wrong thing to do. It’s just a hard thing to do. I’m so, so proud of you for choosing yourself and your safety. Please find positive support to help you through right now, and know that you are doing everything that you can and that’ll never be wrong.
Editors’ Note: The following question deals with suicide.
Q.
One of my close friends committed suicide two days ago and I do not know what to do. I am in touch with several friends who knew this friend too and we’re all staying in contact and supporting each other in processing and grief. I’m cycling through so many emotions, and one of the feelings that is rising to the surface for me is that I am woefully unequipped to deal with the feelings that come up around someone else’s suicide. I have never experienced feelings of suicidality; I have been depressed and been in therapy quite a bit, but suicide or even self harm have never been things that have entered my brain. (I once explained it to my wife like this: suicide to me feels like going to outer space to solve my problems/leave my pain. It feels like an inaccessible, difficult option to me.)
I guess, I don’t even really know what kind of advice I’m asking for— I just want to understand better, know better how to support friends and ppl around me better w/r/t suicide. I appreciate and admire the art and writing that queer folx especially have made in frankly discussing their struggles with mental health and suicidality. I’m just finding this is a whole huge thing I don’t understand because of my personal experience, and I know it’s something a lot of people struggle with. Friends have confided in me before about wanting to end their life, but this is the first time I’ve actually lost someone close to me. I’ve never quite known what to say, except for the obvious “don’ts” like don’t make this person feel worse than they already do, and don’t belittle their feelings. Do you have any other advice for me? Honestly I’m just so sad this week at losing my friend. It’s all I can think about.
A.
Alexis: I’m so sorry.
The two things that have helped me the most when trying to sit with others and their/our grief are this comic and remembering how to operate in the circle of grief (which I think you may know about just because you reached out here)?
Q.
Hi A-Team! Gotta question for you here! I am NB human in a relationship with a great girl! We have OK sexual chemistry. She is very recently out of the closet, so our sex life has been a sort of crash-course in queer sexy-times, and along with as well as my own current gender turmoil. There are a lot of things we are learning in our sex life. It has been getting better and I definitely enjoy myself and I really enjoy dating her! BUT I just ran into my queer camp-crush while on vacation and I was literally floored. Our chemistry is the kind of burn-me-like-the-witch-I-am kind of fire and I am really confused about how this works with my girlfriend! I didn’t have sex with my crush, but I was reminded of the kind of sex that I really enjoy – which in opposition to my current position, is a lot more kinky and bottom heavy. My camp crush and my girlfriend are complete opposites, so running into them gave me all sorts of confusing feelings. My girlfriend is a bit uncomfortable with non-monog. I also feel bad for throwing a lot of queer culture at her when she has just come out and is learning about what all this means to her too. How do you navigate all this, and wanting really hot kinky sex with other queers, and being monogamous?? HALP!
A.
Valerie Anne: I am going to let someone else give you real advice but I wanted to pop in here to compliment you on, “burn-me-like-the-witch-I-am kind of fire” because it’s truly a stunning phrase.
Heather: I think the framing device you’re using here might be obfuscating your actual dilemma. What you want is someone you have hot-witch-fire chemistry with, is what it sounds like from your question. You’ve had that before! You loved it! You want more of it! Right? And you don’t have that exact chemistry with your current girlfriend. That’s really the crux of the thing, and you’ve sort of cloaked it in the idea that it’s because she’s newly out. Probably that is not why. Yes, definitely, it takes a while and some experience to learn what you like/don’t like in the wide and wonderful world of queer sex — but chemistry is just kind of chemistry, isn’t it? It’s inexplicable. You either have it with someone or you don’t.
The non-monogamy conversation seems like it might be separate from this. If you’re non-monogamous, and you know that, and your girlfriend isn’t, that’s going to be something you have to address apart from this chemistry question — because even if you and your girlfriend suddenly connect in a witch-hot-fire way and you’re non-monogamous, that’s not going to solve that issue. But! If you’re just thinking about non-monogamy because you’re not sexually satisfied, that’s a whole different thing. This is tricky to navigate, I know, but you’re not alone; almost everyone goes through this at least once in their lives. Sending you love and clarity.
Siobhan: So while non-monog is definitely a part of queer culture, is it also increasingly something the straights are doing, so bringing it up with her is not throwing queer culture at her in the same way as introducing her to topping/bottoming etc. Is she uncomfortable with non-mong because it’s new or because she doesn’t like the idea? If the former give her time, if the latter drop it. Likewise does she not want to do the kind of sex you’re into or is it just that she’s still new to things? Have you tried asking her for the things you want (that sounds obvious, but some people assume if their partner doesn’t bring it up they’re averse to it which isn’t always true)? If not then you need to weigh up what you want more, kinky sex and non-monogamy with other people, or a monogamous relationship with her that features its own kind sex. Fantasies and masturbation are always an option (and if she thinks otherwise run away because that’s a bit of straight culture we do not need) and can actually make up the difference.
Vanessa: I’m going to give you a potentially unpopular answer, but it’s what I truly believe will make you happy: Break up with your girlfriend. For some reason queer people hate breaking up even when all signs point to that providing the most happiness for all parties involved, but it is so often the best answer. If sexual chemistry in a relationship isn’t there in the beginning it’s unlikely that it will develop – it might, but it probably won’t. You’re allowed to break up even if things are mostly fine. You’re allowed to break up even if you can’t pinpoint a reason you want to go. You’re literally always allowed to break up with someone. You and your current girlfriend deserve to be happy, and dating someone isn’t meeting your needs – even if your current need were simply like, “being alone!” – isn’t going to make anyone happy in the end. Good luck out there! I hope you get to have sex with your camp crush.
Q.
Hey Straddlers. Could I get some advice on how to start dating and exploring romance in my mid 20s, with no experience? I want to find some practical ways to start looking for a partner, but I am not sure where to start!
A.
Molly: Hello, I am trying to figure out how to start dating in my mid-30s, so here’s what I’ve done so far:
- Get on the apps. I know it sounds scary and maybe dehumanizing, but really, you find other queer people who think you’re a babe and who want to go on a date with you.
- Say yes to dates. This can be a tough one if you’re picky, but sometimes it just takes getting out there with a few people to get you comfortable and confident in the scene. If a date doesn’t go well, you’ve learned what not to do or who not to date. If a date does go well, it can be a welcome surprise and then you get to go on another one!
- If you have a hobby and you want your partner to have that same hobby, hang out in those hobby spaces and approach people. I know, this is horrible and scary. Do it anyway.
- Ignore the fear of rejection. Look: we all get rejected. I get rejected all the time! I get rejected by women, by publications, by my dog — it’s part of life. Rejection, while painful and no one like it, doesn’t kill you. You learn from it, and you learn that it isn’t something you should be afraid of (except when it’s holding you back).
- Talk to your crush. Just do it.
- Repeat that previous one ^^ as necessary.
- Go confidently. You are someone’s (or several someones’) dream person. Trust me on this.
- Go to your friends for support. They’ve likely been through it and can help you deal.
- Love yourself and know you are worthy of dating.
- Have so much fun!
Q.
Favorite insomnia remedies? Thanks boos!
A.
Carolyn: Masturbate. Take CBD if it is available in your country. Get up and do a random small household task for a few minutes and then brush your teeth and get back into bed like you’re going to bed the first time. Repeat, but also shower. Masturbate some more.
Rachel: Melatonin and/or magnesium help for me sometimes, or something like the Sleep With Me podcast as a monotonous distraction if what’s keeping me up is an unbearable inner monologue. Obvs Carolyn’s not wrong about masturbation either.
Heather: I love ASMR videos for insomnia because even if they don’t put me immediately to sleep, they’re calm and gentle and I often learn something from them and they keep me off of Twitter and from reading the news. Pair them with some SleepPhones!
Valerie Anne: I second both masturbation and ASMR.
Riese, Editor-in-Chief: I have tried everything and I have a post for this somewhere.
Q.
Hey Autostraddle. I have a weird question, I guess? I’m a bisexual, cis-woman married to a heterosexual, cis-male. We’ve been together for five years. We have a beautiful daughter and are expecting another baby in May. I have wanted to dress more masculine-of-center for a while now, but my husband isn’t as turned on by me in boyish clothes. He’s supportive in letting me dress whatever way I want. He just says it’ll just take him some time to get used to the change. How do I help him along? Are there any resources for mates to monogamous bisexual women? Any advice for this bisexual woman looking to queer up her wardrobe and bedroom while in a monogamous relationship with a man?
A.
Riese: I don’t want to be the only one answering this question, because I don’t have an answer, but I do just want to note that like — this actually does happen in lesbian relationships too! I’m someone who goes through lots of gender presentation phases from day to day and also from year to year. I’ve been with women who were very into me being femme, but very actively not into me dressing more boyish, and it makes me feel really bad! It’s been hard for me to find girls who like both. That’s all! Okay somebody else help her!
KaeLyn: I’ve never understood cutting your hair a certain style or dressing a certain way solely for a partner, when your preference is actually different. It sounds like this is more than a preference for you, that it’s important for you to take the step of dressing and expressing yourself in a more MOC way. It also sounds like you’ve been in a long-term monogamous relationship that has grown and expanded and shifted many times, over time, as they do. If we bisexuals know anything about love, it’s that we fall in love with people, not body parts or gender. It sounds like you and your partner have a deep relationship based on this kind of love. Who you are won’t change if you dress the way that feels affirming for you and I imagine your partner will still love you for who you are. Regardless, you deserve to be with someone who loves you as you are and leaves space for you to grow and evolve over time. It sounds like you found that person. I hope you continue to grow together as a family.
In terms of resources, search for support groups for “monogamous mixed orientation marriages (MMOM).” There are online forums and support groups for spouses of bisexual folks in monogamous relationships. (However, you will find there are a LOT more resources for straight cisgender women with bi husbands and trans spouses. Proceed with caution in that regard.)
Q.
My straight friend and I are both single and looking. I’m pretty chill; she’s pretty… not chill. Heterosexually anxious. How do I validate her feelings that the men in her dating pool are trash, while challenging her perception that lesbians have this magic dating experience? Like, yes, I love dating women, but I’m also putting in a lot of work to being vulnerable with them and taking risks and communicating, it’s not just happening!
A.
Heather: Has your friend said that thing to you that’s like, “Dating men is so hard; I wish I were a lesbian. Women are just soo much easier.” ‘Cause if so, she’s going to say it again, straight girls love saying that. When she does, I think you can just be like, “Ha ha! You know, dating women comes with a lot of the same challenges as dating men. It’s scary to make yourself so vulnerable and to put yourself out there for evaluation on apps and first dates, and communication between two human beings is always fraught, regardless of gender!” Or when she complains about something about a man she’s talking to, you can commiserate by sharing similar experiences you’ve had talking to women. Or you can be like, “When you say it’s easier to date women, I feel like you’re kind of invalidating how much work and anxiety goes into lesbianism!” There are a zillion ways you can bring this up to her – and absolutely none of them preclude you telling her the men in her dating pool suck. Tell her it’s hard to date women and also tell her men are trash! It’s two different things!
Siobhan: Honestly though, dating women is so much easier. It’s not that straight girls think we get to skip the work and risks etc, it’s that they also have to do things like convince men that it’s not their job to provide endless unreciprocated emotional and domestic labour. I feel like when they say we have it easier that’s all they mean. You can acknowledge that while also pointing out its not effortless and struggle free. If she’s assuming women don’t do any of the trash things men also do, then that’s another thing though. If she is doing that then point out to her that women can also be utter trash in that exact way. You could also point out that while it’s easier in general to date women because of the lack of patriarchal nonsense, there’s also the huge downside of homophobia that balances it out a lot (personally I’ll take that trade off, but its an important thing for straight girls saying they wish they were queer to acknowledge).
Q.
Men’s sizes are too big for me! What are good places I should look for more formal boys’ clothing?
A.
Mika: I’m not sure about boys’ clothing. I know that usually sizes are smaller and it makes it more attainable, but unless it’s neutral color stuff like button ups or basics, I would stay away from it for formal clothing because most retailers clearly design with youth in mind (unless obviously that’s your aesthetic which is a whole other thing). I would try to stick to the grown up side of the store. Try stores where sizes run smaller. Zara, the Spanish retailer, usually runs their men’s sizes a lot smaller than for example ASOS and some American stores. I wanna say Topman shirts also run kinda small in my experience. H&M has been rolling out a lot of formal wear/suits in their new “skinny fit” and it runs even smaller than slim. If everything is still pretty big, then I’d recommend a tailor. I know it sounds intimidating but there’s a lot of affordable tailors out there and it makes the world of difference!
Alyssa Andrews: Hey! Tiny person here! If you’re going formal and none of Mika’s suggestions above work out for you and your bod, I stand by J Crew’s Crew Cuts line. J Crew can be pricey, so try J Crew Factory first!
Q.
I was ghosted by someone I’d been dating for about six months. The relationship was fun and serious and we’d exchanged “I love yous.” They suddenly stopped replying to my messages, and now live in another city. I’ve been in an amazing relationship for the past two years, but I still feel unsettled by having this loose end. My ex deals with mental health stuff that makes relationships and communication hard for them, but I really wish that at some point they’d just told me goodbye, if nothing else. Where should I put these feelings?
A.
Heather: This is a hard one. I think the main thing you have to figure out is why you wish there were no loose ends. Like, if it had been a real and mature break-up, what do you think it would have given you that you don’t have now? And from there, you can figure out how to heal those individual things. I am also a big big big fan of writing letters that you don’t send, saving them in Google Docs, and revisiting them if you start spiraling.
Q.
Hi!! I am unfortunately recently laid off, and was wondering if there was a way to explicitly search for queer-friendly jobs? I couldn’t be out at my last job and it sucked!
A.
Crystal, HR Director: I’m sorry! That really sucks. Sadly there is no job board specifically for LGBTQ-friendly roles but here are some ideas:
- Ask other queers for leads on queer-friendly employers. I see this happening all the time in my local queer FB group; generally people seem very willing to recommend their awesome employers and make referrals.
- Look into the companies who get high scores on the HRC Corporate Equality Index.
Q.
I truly don’t know where else to go with this. I have searched your website (maybe not hard enough?) for content on this. I couldn’t find anything, even though I’m probably the 40,000th lesbian to have this issue. HOW DO I KNOW IF A GIRL LIKES ME OR IS JUST BEING A FRIENDLY FRIEND???!!! I know she’s gay, so that’s out of the way, but we’ve been hanging out a LOT and we’re very similar people personality-wise. She keeps bringing up rom coms and recommending podcasts to listen to and sending me pickling recipes. She brought me up to the radio studio where she works and showed me the record collection and then we listened to Taylor Swift and talked. I just keep getting VIBES but she’s also such a great person and friend and I want to not ruin that. Also, we’re in college … she’s a senior and I’m a sophomore so there’s that dynamic, and Venus is in retrograde so that’s completely messing with me! The main thing is I don’t know how to tell if she’s flirting or if she’s being a close friend. There’s also the fact that I’m like a ~baby butch~ and so in this situation I feel like I should be the one to make the moves or whatever, but I don’t know how to be that person either! Help! Butchify me! I just don’t know if she likes me! Help!
A.
Alexis: Okay but you’re already butch! I’m butch and I refuse to ask first if I can help it! If you wanna be the butch that asks if the person likes you and in your mind you’re very smooth about it, then the only way to be that person is to fake it ’til you make it! i am not above letting you know that I rehearse these things before trying them out, like making sure we’re in a place we’re comfortable / having a back up “plan” in case something falls through, etc. So, I know this isn’t the answer you want, but you’re gonna have to ask her. I’m a big fan of doing this through text / slide the notebook piece of paper with “do you like me? yes, no, maybe” with checkboxes. Try anything that doesnt demand saying something you may not mean in the moment. This was a really long way of saying, sorry, but you’ve gotta flat out ask her.
Q.
Keeping this real brief because it’s vaguely mortifying. Tips for joining the lesbian mile high club?
A.
Carolyn: Just do it. (Discreetly.)
Molly: And respect flight attendants and fellow passengers, none of whom have consented to witnessing your desires. But yeah, do it.
Q.
My new girlfriend and I are extremely head over heels in love. We’re both in our 30s, live in a major metro, and are creatives with side hustles. It’s neither of our first go ’round, if you know what I mean. So here’s the thing, my “day job” is 9-5, and she works two different jobs in the service industry. Holy fuck, is scheduling rough. Plus, she’s always exhausted. I haven’t worked in the service industry since college and honestly I have no idea what it must feel like physically, even on “recovery” days off. We’re still in the honeymoon phase and all I want to do is have tons of sex and go out and do shit — and she, obviously, would much rather stay at home and just chill. And her sex drive? A lot lower than mine. We’ve talked about it, but she is pretty consistently worked to the bone and I’m starting to worry that the whole “love isn’t enough” thing might be hitting us a lot earlier than it has in my previous relationships. I think I need some help with expectations here.
A.
Carolyn: If you specifically want someone with whom you can go out and have a lot of sex, and your girlfriend is too tired to go out and doesn’t want to have a lot of sex, then you might not be a great fit, especially if you’re monogamous. Otherwise, try to make dates with each other in advance, when she knows what her schedule is like (since it sounds like yours is more predictable). If you don’t know how she feels physically, ask her. Also consider what you want to get out of dates, and that they might not end up looking like a typical evening sex, dinner and drinks night out. Maybe her evenings are packed this week, but she doesn’t start until noon one day, and you don’t have any meetings and can grab an early lunch together. Maybe your hours for the next three weeks are totally incompatible, but you both like sleeping (actual sleep) next to each other, so a few nights you’ll go over after work and a few nights she’ll do the same. Maybe she doesn’t have the energy to have sex but loves talking dirty while you masturbate. Maybe one or both of you aren’t monogamous and she’s into you getting your sex needs met elsewhere.
Q.
I’m new to queer dating, and for a while thought that I was strictly monogamous. However, recently I’ve been questioning this and wondering if I’m poly. My question is, how does one know if they are poly/non-monogamous?
A.
Carolyn: “Try it out and see what happens” sounds flip, but seriously, try it out and see what happens. Experiment alone first – read books, read the internet, read about how a wide range of queer poly people approach their relationships. If anything intrigues you, then try approaching dating from an ethically non-monogamous standpoint, which really means try dating and evaluating what your relationship with each person could be as it is, instead of if you were the only two people in each others’ lives. (And if you’re not interested in monogamy, mention that on the first date or in your Tinder profile.) Communication is key forever.
Q.
Wow I’ve met someone and now I’m absolutely drowning in the feeling of ‘oh my fucking g-d, I’m going to fall in love and I’m terrified’. Do you have any recommendations of essays/books about the precipices of love? How do I keep myself afloat in this sea of emotion?!
I’m trying really fucking hard for this time around to not be a total shit show like most (lol, every) previous relationship I’ve ever had. I want to do this right. I don’t know if anyone can really help me with that … but oh boy if you can… please do…
A.
Carmen, Associate Editor: I don’t have any books or essays to recommend, but my first suggestion is that you take a deep breath. I mean that lovingly! Take a deep breath, and then another one. It will help you feel grounded when you think your being swept under with emotions. I promise!
Siobhan: I say this with love but I do not think that essays and books on this will help you much. I know the urge to research something in order to alleviate anxiety is strong but it also doesn’t really help when there’s no practical solution to implement. Instead I’m going to recommend reading about anxiety and managing emotions in general, and, if you can access it, therapy sounds like it would be very helpful for you right now. Talking through your emotions and your fears and what went wrong in those relationship with someone who can help you find solutions is going to be much more helpful than reading about the experiences of love. If you can’t access a therapist then talking this through with willing friends can also help, though be mindful of their time and needs as you do.
Vanessa: Hello! So, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, no, no one but you can take control of your actions and set healthy boundaries from the outset and make kind and responsible choices as you move through this delightful new relationship energy, but the good news is, you can take control of your actions and set healthy boundaries from the outset and make kind and responsible choices as you move through this delightful new relationship energy! It’s one of those scenarios that is sort of startling in its simplicity. We can only control our own actions – so much of life, I feel, is being frustrated that we can’t control how others think / feel / act / react / etc – but in this scenario, your own actions are the only thing you need to control! How freeing! I’m excited for you!
Q.
I have a serious crush on one of my friends. Whenever we see each other there is this particular kind of tension between us – you know. I am almost certain she likes me back, and sometimes the way she looks at me makes me want to do *stupid things*. I don’t, though. She told me -more than once- that she is terrified of emotional intimacy. She admits she has a problem but doesn’t want to address it at the moment. Obviously, when I heard this, I understood I would have to let go of her. I know this! I still feel sad! Unrequited (sort of) crushes are hard! My question is … do I gently walk away without saying anything? (i.e. message her less and less, stop planning to meet as often – we don’t live in the same city, etc.) OR do I tell her the truth? Honestly, I want to tell her, because at least my sadness would be verbalized and acknowledged and also she would know that I don’t hate her (quite the opposite), but all my friends are like “don’t tell her, this is a bad Idea”. What do you think??
A.
Rachel: I think my question for you, with love, would be whether your reasons for wanting to tell her are more about the former reason (you would feel relief) or because you think she would feel relief. My instinct is that it’s more the former, because to be honest, no one has really ever felt better after being told apropos of nothing “I have feelings for you, also your intimacy issues mean that I can’t ever date you, just FYI.” Regardless of how true that is, that is… not going to be helpful, tough-love honesty for her. I think it could be okay to tell her “I have feelings for you but don’t think I should pursue something with you right now, so to deal with those feelings I’m going to take some space” if you want without making it about her or her issues, but again, when weighing that decision, I would ask honestly, do you think she’ll be glad to know that? You know her better than me! Just thinking about it.
Q.
Hi! I have found Carolyn’s “What Are Dental Dams, and How Do They Work?” to be the best source of info on the internet on its topic, but it is still only two short paragraphs about how to use them. Could anyone with relevant expertise elaborate further? I’m polyam and I love oral (especially giving, but also receiving) and I have promised my wife to always practice safer sex with other people. I’ve tried dental dams with a variety of partners and they always seem to ruin oral sex — there’s a general lack of sensation on both ends, plus sometimes they get sucked over my nostrils and I can’t breathe or sucked into the labia so they disappear. I also find my partners and I are just generally much worse at basics like finding a clit or relaxing when there’s this soggy piece of latex to worry about. Using an ultrathin condom cut open helped a little with the sensation but made the disappearing in the labia worse because it’s smaller and thinner.
Do you have any more specific advice? Like, Carolyn says to put lube on it and tuck it into the folds. One main specific question: Is the dam supposed to stay still relative to the vulva while the tongue slides over it or is it supposed to stick to the tongue while you slide it around the vulva? I find the vulva side slipperier, especially with lube, so the latter is what usually happens to me… but it seems wrong? I would love some detailed guidance from someone who’s done this successfully. Like a “How To Have Lesbian Sex 102: Cunnilingus Edition” type article but talking through the whole thing assuming you are using a dam, instead of only having dams as a one-line disclaimer. I realize most people don’t use them and therefore don’t know or care about the answer to this, but maybe more people would if we had more instruction! Love you all and your work.
A.
Carolyn: Happily, the best way to get better at using dental dams, and to see them as a fun tool as opposed to an annoying sensory-depriving roadblock, is to use them a lot until you get good at them. You have an advantage because you have a partner (your wife) with whom it sounds like you practice unprotected sex, which means you can try out different ways of using dental dams with her without any safety ramifications if you get an angle wrong and one slips. So get together and try different positions, holding it yourself in a few different ways, and then getting her to hold it in a few different ways to figure out a few possibilities that work for you. I like holding the top of the dam in place with two spread fingers from one hand, and holding the bottom in place with fingers from my other hand, which works even if those fingers end up inside my partner under the dam. (Wear gloves, obviously.)
It might also help if you think of it less like a cover for someone’s clit and more like a cover for someone’s whole crotch – it shouldn’t get sucked into labia, because it should be much bigger than labia. It shouldn’t move around with your tongue, because you should be holding it in place with your fingers (or your partner’s fingers). If you’re using a dam and have a hard time finding someone’s clit, the best way is to pull back a little and ask them to touch themselves and show you.
Q.
Help! I can talk to attractive women generally without making a fool of myself, but as soon as I know or guess she’s a lesbian I can’t talk without my face going bright red! How do I stop my face doing this? I just want to talk to hot lesbians whilst being a normal colour.
A.
Heather: I am a person who finds blushing women very attractive! I say lean into it! Also, though, the more you do it, the easier it will get. I promise.
Q.
Any advice for someone thinking about filing for bankruptcy? Or like, is there such a thing as a queer money counselor? I need money help, but I don’t want the straights to help me.
A.
Valerie Anne: I am very bad with money, so I can’t necessarily help you, but for general money advice through a queer lens I would recommend Gaby Dunn’s Bad With Money podcast and/or book. I haven’t gotten through all the archives yet so I don’t know if she explicitly discusses bankruptcy, but there’s a lot of good advice in there.
Q.
Please help me with an incredibly specific fashion question. My partner is more aesthetically butch than I am. I am more aesthetically femme. But my fashion stops short of dresses/skirts. In the event of a formal occasion, where they would wear a fancy suit, I need advice on outfits I could wear that are not typical suits also, but also not a dress. What the hell kind of outfit says “I am at a fancy event, I am not wearing the same thing as my partner, but I am also not wearing a plain suit, but I also like more femme vibes”? Go! Go! Go!
A.
Mika: I just did a FYF covering a bit of this! I think you can definitely get a more feminine cut on more ‘masculine’ clothing. Shopping for suits in the women section of ASOS is always a strong stand. Think of ‘corporate,’ but with an edge. Think Bette Porter. For example, instead of a button up that’s stiff and structured, think blouse, any kind of cut you feel comfortable in that falls a little more loose on the body. Think of texture, silk is always a good bet. If you are comfortable in heels, adding a heel to any sort of trouser/shirt combo will definitely add some femme vibes. If you are not comfortable in heels, then stick to a pointed toe dress shoe, show ankle if you wear a skinny fit dress pant. Adding a neutral tone leather clutch will give you a lot of formality as well. Think more or less as femme in the accessories and/or make up, if you use any!
Q.
Okay, here’s my very important question: I picked up this pair of olive green suede high top vans at a thrift store last year and I fucking love them, but it seems like they just don’t go with anything in a way i’m jazzed about. Which is weird, because they’re a neutral colored sneaker, but literally I will put together an outfit BASED on this shoe and then at the end realize that my docs or white nike’s look better! What gives?? Anyway I guess i’m wondering if Mika or others have any suggestions for a basic look involving these vans or similar so that I can feel inspired once more and my vans & I can skate off into the sunset etc. (Thank u for considering this very important request!( (Tto be clear I cannot skate.)
A.
Mika: My friend I feel your life, this can be tricky. I think olive green is a lot harder to pair up than people think of. I would say these don’t necessarily pop but that’s okay! because monochrome dressing is very in atm. I would wear these shoes with any sort of denim that is around the same hue or saturation; think of Yeezy season 3 or Beyonce in the “Don’t Hurt Yourself” video. Wearing a lot of clothing that has the same amount of saturation/similar hue can be good if you know how to put it together!
Now I’m about to get wild here but, if you have white denim or white pants, this is their moment. A loose oversized white t-shirt, white denim and these shoes with any sort of light colored jacket (preferably denim) is literally A FIT. Think light! Stay away from dark hues like black or dark blue. Think of mid and light tones all around!
Q.
What do you do if you’re Bi For Bi but people don’t believe you’re a bisexual woman because you’re too “butch looking”?
A.
Rachel: Key those people’s cars! At least that’s what I would do. I love butch bi women so much! Like you would not believe. Think about how proud Sara Ramirez and I both are of you!
In practical terms, I am not sure there’s much you can *do*, unfortunately, besides continuing to be vocal about both and trusting that this will allow people who appreciate and respect your identity to find you. I wish you luck, friend! I’m so glad you’re here and am rooting for you every day.
Riese: I agree with Rachel, definitely key their cars. I have a butch bi ex, it was nice to date someone who was both masc-of-center AND could relate to my ocassional attraction to Carissi on Law & Order SVU.
Q.
I have my ex-girlfriend’s flannel. Normally, this would not be an issue, I would just… quietly keep it. But she has my jacket. I like that jacket. It’s got a patch I made on it. Help?? I’m sorry if this is the wrong place for this question. I need more queer friends.
A.
Carolyn: “Hey, hope you’re having a good [weekend/day/afternoon]. I noticed I still have your flannel and that you also still have my jacket with the patch on it. Can we exchange?”
Rachel: I agree with Carolyn – UNLESS the subtext here is that you don’t want to have to give the flannel back? It wasn’t clear from your question. If that’s the case I’m giving you permission to lie and say that you don’t know where it is, but still ask for the jacket back.
Heather: Yes, get back that jacket! A custom patch? You’re gonna be so mad at yourself in the future if you don’t ask for it back!
Q.
So my parents just came to visit and my girlfriend decided she was gonna ask my parents for their approval for us to get married and uugghhhh it did not exactly go brilliantly. I mean, between a language barrier and the fact she’s the first partner I’ve ever introduced them to… it doesn’t help. But is obvious the only problem is that she is a girl. My dad saw like ok you’re 29 you can do what you want with your life. My mum started reading the letter my gf wrote and said no before she’d even finished reading it. But then, the only thing she was concerned with was not having grandchildren, and then what she would say to my granddad. I feel hurt because I feel that was a selfish reaction and the only thing she thought about was herself. I’ve always wanted kids and nothing has changed, and I did say that to her, plus my gf already has a son who I have a great relationship with. I guess I just have to give them some time. The next day they were pretty normal with us, but they haven’t spoken about it again.
But I’m struggling with the envy I have of my girlfriend’s immediate family, because they are 100% fine with everything and have welcomed me with open arms. It’s fine mostly because I live in a different country from my parents so I live in a little gay bubble doing as I please, but I’m struggling to shake the feeling that when we do officially decide to get engaged, I’m gonna be half happy and half terrified of telling of my parents, at the same time knowing that her family will be sincerely congratulating us. Any advice that isn’t just “give it time”?
A.
Riese: I’m sorry that this went down how it did! It’s specifically sad to me that your girlfriend already has a son and your Mom said that she was worried about not having grandchildren. She’s about to have one! I do feel like it’s not uncommon for parents to react selfishly and defensively at first, and then gradually warm up to the idea. But, it’s totally okay to be jealous of your girlfriends’ parents! I feel like that’s something that has been very openly discussed in various relationships I’ve had. This isn’t about gay stuff, but I have an ex who found my Mom more reliable than hers — that’s basically the most detail I can get into — and honestly I was happy that I happened to have a parent she could rely on when she needed help more than her own. I have an ex who had two rich parents who doted on her and were married and in love with each other and man, I relished in their light whenever I had the chance to bask in it. Talking about how our parents let us down or don’t and how our (potentially future in-laws) do or don’t is a normal. It’s an okay relationship conversation topic. I swear.
Siobhan: I think you have to tell them now that this is happening. The longer you leave it the more anxious you’ll be. Plus, make sure you do it by phone or skype when they’re in another country and you aren’t going to visit soon. Then every time they bring it up tell them that you will not discuss it with them unless they can be positive about it and hang up the phone every time they refuse to respect this boundary. They will soon learn. But then also have an escape plan next time you visit them in case they use that as an opportunity to disrespect said boundary.
Q.
I’ve been out as a lesbian for as long as I can remember (I’m 18 now and I’ve been out since I was 11). I’m just realizing now that I’m definitely into men too, and I want to act on that. I have no idea how to tell anyone, not even my therapist or closest (queer or straight) friends. I know that I’m still young and this isn’t really a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but I feel kind of alone. How do I tell people? For context, I’ve spent the last few years deliberately centering my life around women and being loudly misandrist. I know I’m not any less of a feminist for liking men, but I feel like it would almost be a betrayal to acknowledge this change, even if it’s what I really want. Do you have any advice, or know of any media with similar narratives? Thank you!
A.
Yvonne: Hi friend, you’re very young and this big change is just one of the many big changes that will happen throughout the course of your lifetime and that’s totally fine! I understand you’ve been super vocal about being a lesbian and a misandrist for a very long time now so you feel like it’s a “betrayal” and I’m here to tell you, it’s not. (You can be queer or bi and still be a misandrist, btw!) You’re allowed to evolve. You’re a young person who just learned that you’re also attracted to men and that’s super valid and I think people shouldn’t hold that against you. There’s a chance that other people won’t understand right away but this is your journey. I think you start off with small steps and practice telling your therapist about how you feel about this whole situation — it’s your therapist’s job to listen, so go for it. Then once you’ve talked it out with your therapist, be honest with your friends. Your true friends will support you. Rachel wrote a You Need Help that’s sort of in this realm that I hope is hopeful. It might not be your exact situation, but there’s some good wise words in here.
Q.
What to do when your best friend was also your girlfriend, except now she’s not your girlfriend anymore and she wants space so now you don’t have any friends?? I’m a senior in high school and I just don’t know what to do.
A.
Yvonne: I’m so sorry!! I’ve actually been there. It’s heartbreaking and incredibly lonely to go through a breakup like this. I would suggest investing time in other areas of your life right now. Are you part of any school clubs or organizations? A sport? I think meeting new people to be friends with could help. Maybe you like doing crafts or journaling? I You need something to take your mind off of her right now.
It’s going to hurt for a while so be kind to yourself. Do you have access to a therapist? Is there an adult in your life or an older family member that you can talk to about it? What about an online community? Sometimes, it helps just venting about it to someone you trust. (We can be those people, too!)
Q.
Hiiii – I just need some advice and also to put my feeling somewhere. How long should you “wait” for someone who “isn’t ready for a relationship right now?” I’m feeling so conflicted because I met someone who is so wonderful and so perfect for me, but they’re just not there yet. I know that a lot of conventional wisdom says don’t wait for anybody, people will make time/space for what’s important, people say they’re “not ready” when they just don’t want a relationship with you, etc., etc. and like, I get all of that, but I also think that some things are worth waiting for. However, waiting is also scary and uncertain and makes me feel like maybe i’m being stupid. What do y’all think?!
A.
Yvonne: You can’t wait for anyone who isn’t ready for a relationship with you right now because that’s setting yourself up for failure and heartbreak. It’s not worth waiting because you have to live in the present. You have to put yourself first and do what’s best for you and right now, this person doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you and who knows if they’ll ever be. Move on. Invest the time in yourself or someone who definitely wants to be in a relationship with you!
Q.
When I was 19 I fell in love with a girl and we were together for 8ish years. Before her, I dated one guy. Our relationship was hard. Well, our relationship was in many ways easy. we were in love and a good team and rarely fought. but we were southern christians, and I nearly lost my family for her. Still: we forged ahead and built a pretty beautiful life together. We had a vibrant queer community, but eventually we pretty much stopped having sex. It was my fault. I just didn’t want to anymore. Ever since we broke up, I’ve only dated guys.
I feel like I failed at not only my relationship but at being queer. I feel like I let everyone down. like I was never really queer. but it certainly didn’t *feel* like an experiment. I try to tell myself that I’m still queer. I make a lot of justifications. Like, I can’t throw away that gorgeous relationship. How it changed me. How it freed me. How much I learned about all kinds of justice from the queer folks who surrounded me.
There are other justifications, too: the guy I’m with now is queer and plays with gender and has had relationships with all kinds of genders; and our play is equitable and kinky and switchy. But if I were with a… idk, different kind of guy… I couldn’t justify my own queerness through him. So I really shouldn’t justify my own queerness through this one. I also know that even if I’m not sexually attracted to women right now, life is long, and I am in process, and my desire is big and capacious and queer. but I still feel like I failed at something really big and important: *being* queer. Every time queer friends get engaged or something, I feel a little pang. I even feel a little guilty reading autostraddle sometimes. How can I own my queerness or hold it or relax into it without feeling like I’m defending it or inventing it or building it from scratch or…lying?
Love, bisexual something
A.
Carmen: Aww sweet dove, I just want you to know that queerness is expansive! Let me be your reminder. You are valid and how you love is valid and it doesn’t need to fit any narrow definition of anything else. It sounds a bit to me like you are maybe judging yourself based on what definition of same-sex love and attraction that you were working with when you first started dating your first girlfriend. For some people love always works that way. And that’s great! For some of us, it changes and expands and transforms. That’s great, too! Be more gentle with yourself.
Rachel: You’re right, your desire is big and capacious and queer, and so is your life; it IS long. I would encourage you — although I know hard it can be! — to try thinking about queerness in contexts besides romantic or sexual relationships. What parts of history, community, organizing, or culture do you share and identify with? In what ways has queerness impacted your relationship to body or self? If you weren’t dating anyone at all, in what ways would you conceptualize queerness as you relate to it? Just some food for thought!
Siobhan: Once queer always queer. Even if you’ve stopped being attracted to women now it doesn’t erase that you were in the past, and for some people sexuality is fluid. Sexuality is fluid for some and not for others, and just in general it’s confusing and weird. You are queer and that means you’re queer enough. There are other people who will try and police your queerness, please stop helping them by policing it yourself. Also you didn’t fail at anything, and it is not your fault that your relationship failed. You didn’t deliberately stop wanting sex, you didn’t decide to, it’s just a thing that happened and no one is to blame.
Q.
How long should I continue to put effort into fixing a strained relationship before I call it quits? And how do I know if my partner and I are both depressed and directionless because we are holding each other back, or if our relationship is suffering because we both happen to be depressed and directionless? I truly love my partner with all of my heart, but we’ve been having tearful shouting matches 1-3 times a week for months and months. It’s an iteration of the same fight every time. We promised each other that we would stick it out and work on the relationship when things got hard.
My partner recently started therapy and I’m trying to make a commitment to take better care of my heath and of my career ambitions, which I’ve been neglecting due to said depression and fighting. So I’ve decided to wait and see if things improve. But how long should I wait? How long is too long to feel like this?
A.
Heather: I’m so sorry to hear how hard things are for you and for your partner. Depression is a many tentacled hell-beast of a thing, and you’re right that when you’re in the throes of an attack it’s hard to know if the bad stuff is because of depression or if the bad stuff is causing depression. That’s a very normal thing to feel/worry about. I also think you’re right that this situation isn’t tenable. Is therapy an option for you too? That might be a good leaping off point for untying some of these knots about your relationship and your depression. Is couple’s therapy an option? I highly recommend it, if it is. If neither of those things are a go for you, I think it would be very fair for you to set a time limit and say to yourself “My girlfriend is doing X, Y, Z to try to beat back her depression. I am doing X, Y, Z to beat back mine and to move forward with my career goals.” And if after three months or six months, you’re not seeing either any personal progress or relationship progress, you might have to, for your own sake, break it off and move on. Wishing you peace and light, my friend.
Rachel: Having 1-3 crying fights about the same thing every week is a lot!!! Promising to work on issues is admirable, but it seems clear that the constant fighting about it is not working in that regard. It sounds like the answer to the question about when to walk away from something is tied up in the question of what’s actually going to happen with the thing you’re fighting about. Is it something you realistically think can be resolved by working on it — and are both of you capable of and willing to do what that would involve — or is it something that’s just fundamentally incompatible, which is why it hasn’t changed after all this time even though it clearly isn’t working for either of you? That might be the conversation you need to have to figure this out. I’m sorry! It sounds very hard!
Siobhan: You haven’t said what you’re fighting about and I think that makes a difference here. Is it directly connected to the rut you’re both in, about something one or both of you is doing that upsets the other or about something unchangeable like one or the other of your families? If it’s the former then I feel like waiting while you improve your mental health and life situations is really reasonable and as long as you see steady improvement (albeit with occasional short plateaus) then I don’t really feel like there’s a too long on it. On the other hand if it’s one of the other issues then you need to be working on that as well and three to six months depending (or honestly, depending how serious it is, you might want to end it now) is a good time line. Couples therapy, even one or two sessions with your partners therapist if she’s willing to provide it, might also be a really good idea.
Q.
I need some advice for my GF about how to balance responding appropriately/letting yourself feel appropriately angry and indignant and continuing on with living your best life. She’s currently changing career paths and moving into tech has put her in contact with a lot of young, dumb men (and one literal sociopath!). And I know these are difficult experiences and being upset by them is entirely normal and justified. But the thing is, she ruminates. Every time it just consumes her and she loses hours and days just thinking about it, replaying it, analyzing it, etc. And she doesn’t know how to stop that from happening. Advice on learning to cope with the reality that smashing the patriarchy is a long-game?
A.
Natalie, Staff Writer: I’ve been where your girlfriend is… once upon a time, I was stuck in a job teeming with megalomaniacs and once I left work, I was consumed with relitigating everything crazy thing they did or said. I had to find an outlet for my frustration because that because untenable for me and everyone around me. The most important thing I did was find a group of female colleagues to spend time with outside the office… a little work support group, if you will. It helped immensely just to have people who could say, “yeah, that happened” or “yes, he’s a moron,” so I didn’t have to play unfortunate events over and over in my head. As her partner, talk to her about setting some clear work/life boundaries: these dummies have taken enough of her time and energy at work, they don’t get to take consume the time and energy she’s supposed to devote to herself and her friends and family. Set boundaries and make her stick to them… maybe even schedule some outings to ensure that she has to be focused on doing something else. Good luck!
Siobhan: So as someone with severe OCD now is my time to shine! Its hard and also sounds both over simplified and impossible but the only way to handle rumination is to stop! You really want to keep going and keep thinking about it but you have to stop yourself and do something else. It feels like stopping halfway through a stretch but in your brain and its very uncomfortable but the more you do it the better you get at it. You might want to set time limits on it together – ie. she gets a set amount of time to tell you about the newest thing that’s happened and discuss it with you but then you both move on to something else. And she doesn’t get to do it by herself in her head, if she catches herself she has to start doing something else that will be sufficiently distracting she can stop (so doing things like the dishes is no good because it leaves you room to think). I found accountability helped when learning to do this? The rule was I would tell my friends or my partner if I noticed myself doing it so they’d help distract me and if they thought I was doing it they’d check in and help me stop if I was. It takes a lot of practice and will power and she’ll probably still do it sometimes, but significant reduction is the goal here and that’s totally doable.
Q.
For about 8 months, I was seeing a fellow queer woman. We originally met up under the premise of a (potentially ongoing) hookup, but fell hard and fast immediately (lots of emotional support, intimacy, affection, etc). The whole time, she had a boyfriend who was abroad for work, though supposedly OK with the situation. She stressed that she wanted to continue even when he came home, etc.
A few weeks ago, she broke up with me over the phone, saying I deserve more, she doesn’t think she can handle two relationships, etc. I was *crushed* and when she suggested we still be friends, I agreed.
We haven’t seen each other since, but we’ve talked on the phone and texted. She’s cried a lot, still says she loves me, and seems depressed and miserable. She’s also offered me very little support (compared to our usual) and most recently acted very insensitive towards me. (I haven’t confronted her directly on that insensitivity, which I know is a communication lag on my part.) Is it worth it to try and talk boundaries to keep this “friendship” going? Should I just tell her it’s too painful for me and end contact entirely? I miss her, and still am in love with her, and genuinely care about her life and what she’s up to. I’m devastated, but I know I need to protect my mental health before I end up in a really dark place.
A.
Carmen: Maybe this isn’t what you are ready to hear right this moment, but there is nothing wrong with boundaries! Especially when you are fresh from a breakup situation. It sounds to me like you know enough to know that this process could be emotionally damaging for you, and I’m here to ask you to take care of yourself FIRST. If that means that you can’t be friends with this person for now, then you can’t. Set what you need clearly, first with yourself. Then, with her. And hold those boundaries firm until you have time to heal. It’s important.
Siobhan: It sounds to me like she’s either not happy in this relationship or she’s using you. Either way you should cut her off because if it’s the former and she’s not admitted this to you there’s nothing you can do, and if it’s the latter then fuck her honestly.
Rachel: I think you already know based on your wording in this question that you need to take some time and space from this person; the question I think is whether it’s temporary or longer-term. She isn’t sure what she wants, and until she is she can’t be in a space where she can figure out (or you can!) whether she can give it to you or not. You can tell her that you encourage and support her in doing that, but also you don’t have to be there and have painful interactions with her through it.
Q.
I’m going in tomorrow for an intake with a therapist, after being out of therapy due to lack of reliable health insurance for 3.5 yrs and I am soooo nervous and I want it to be good, but I’m worried no one will be as good as my old therapist. It’s feels like such a gamble— there’s so much initial “get to know you” sussing out that needs to happen before I know for sure that this therapist is safe/queer friendly/fat friendly, and/also not another clueless white person. I should have taken the time to call ahead and ask these questions maybe, but I saw they had an open appointment on Monday and I jumped at it.
Anyways, how do you know if you should stick with a therapist or how do you know it’s time to find someone else?
A.
Riese: I mean… I loved Lindsay. I still quote Lindsay. Lindsay is responsible for so many of the major important life revelations I needed to have at the time I had them. Sometimes, I wish Lindsay was related to me and we could spend holidays together? When Lindsay told me she was moving her practice to Long Island, it was a major factor in my ongoing thought process regarding whether or not I should move to Oakland. I saw someone else after Lindsay who was fine, and then I didn’t see someone again until five years later when I was in a relationship so fucked up that I still, two years later, am struggling to put my psyche back together, and I had to. And she wasn’t Lindsay. But she was fine. It was temporary.
As a kid I got sent to therapy a lot and would find a way out of it every time, so I saw like five therapists 1-3 times. But as a grown-up I’ve honestly just like… gone with it. As long as we’re politically aligned I just kinda stick with it. I think that’s what matters is your values, and I’m lucky to have usually lived in liberal areas so I can find people who match up. So I think if you find someone with similar values — ‘cause you’re gonna be talking about what you want out of life enough, so it’s important to find someone who understands why you want what you want — then stick it out. But like any relationship, you know when you know. Also I always look up on my health insurance search engine or on Psychology Today for someone who cites LGBTQ issues as a specialty. I honestly look up their picture too and if you wanna find a POC therapist then you should do that.
I’ll never have another Lindsay but I think it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all right?
Natalie: Finding a therapist definitely always feels like a risk but, as you well know from your first experience, when you find the right therapist, that risk feels totally worthwhile. When searching for a therapist, I put a lot of effort into research ahead of time because I want to spend my therapy time working on me, not educating someone else. Like Riese, I’d suggest checking out Psychology Today or your insurance company’s database to find a psychologist with a specific speciality. Also, check out your local LGBT or women’s center for recommendations. Once I’ve narrowed down the options, I check out the therapists’ personal websites and try to glean as much information as I can. Then I narrow my list down even more and find the best options for appointments.
I suspect you’ve had your intake session by now so, hopefully, you’re getting a good sense on who your therapist is and if she’d be a good resource for you. If you’ve had a couple of sessions now, you’ll probably have a gut feeling about whether this therapist is a good fit or if you should move on. If not, ask your therapist, directly, what they think. Do their ideas about what you need to work on align with yours? If so, you might have a match; if not, it might be time to move on.
What’s most important to keep in mind is this: don’t put pressure on yourself to find the absolute right person right away… it’s fine if it takes you a few tries to find the right person.
Rachel: Finding a therapist is SO scary and the idea of unveiling all your messy and shameful shit in front of a stranger to have them just be… totally mediocre about it is awful! To be honest one thing that often scared me off this process was when I did hear people talk about their amazing perfect therapists that saved their life — it felt like such a high bar to have to reach, and like there was no point if I couldn’t find The One. In truth I’ve never really had that experience; I’ve had… four? therapists over the course of my life and some of them were way better fits than others. Some of them have been… really not great fits, or missed or waved away things that turned out to be major for me because it wasn’t their specialty or because they didn’t understand it in context; therapists are human too and make mistakes! Even then, though, it was better for me than not being in therapy at all. The therapist who told me not to bother worrying about it when I noticed that some of my behaviors matched up with CPTSD still exposed me to DBT practices that have been really helpful for me; my current therapist has some big misses sometimes when it comes to sexuality and gender stuff, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t gotten a lot out of working with her or that she doesn’t get me pretty well as a person. Definitely go into shopping for a therapist with the goal to find the best fit possible, and don’t entertain people who make you feel like shit, are dismissive, or have massive gaps in knowledge or cultural competency that are relevant to you. But I would say that a better question than “is this person The Right One” might be “would I get something useful out of working with this person?”
Q.
I’m home from college for the holidays – it’s the first Thanksgiving where I’m out to my family. My mom has NO CHILL when it comes to me being gay – she “loves” and “celebrates” it and has told every other person she meets about her “lesbian daughter who JUST came out.” (She does this while making continuous comments about how it’s “gross” I don’t shave my legs, or asking how come I don’t wear makeup, etc.)
Additionally, my grandmother keeps making low-key homophobic comments, like not bad enough to justify skipping Thanksgiving, just things like “oh, it’s a phase” and “I don’t know why she chose to do this it’ll make her life so much harder” and stuff along those lines.
What do I do?
A.
Heather: I think you have to tell them what they’re doing is upsetting you. You could tell them together, you could tell them in an email or a letter, you could tell them individually, you could tell them right after they say the thing that’s insensitive or homophobic or just mean for no reason, you could tell them later. It doesn’t matter how; it just matters that you do. Because if you don’t, you’re going to build up so much valid hurt and resentment and anger, you’re not going to want to ever go home again for any holiday. If you tell them, you’re giving them a chance to hear that they’re hurting you and adjust their behavior accordingly. If they don’t adjust their behavior, that’s the reason you can give them when you make your own turkey next year. I relate to this question a lot, and I am so sincerely sorry it’s happening to you. I hope they’ll have open hearts and the courage to self-interrogate, and to change for you. You deserve nothing less.
Siobhan: How safe are you to confront them? If your mother is manipulative and abusive and enjoying the attention/her image as an ally and therefore likely to react badly to being told to stop then internally roll your eyes, minimise your time with her and carve yourself spaces to recover and express your frustration. Likewise if your grandmother will respond well or at least sensitively to being asked to stop then do so but otherwise just try and avoid the subject and weather the storm.
Natalie: So, here’s the thing, dear Reader: you deserve to not to be uncomfortable at family celebrations. I know they’re your mother and grandmother and you feel like you owe them your discomfort but you don’t. You have every right to enjoy the holidays without being chided by them. Perhaps take this time between Thanksgiving and the December holidays to talk to them about how their comments are making you feel. Hopefully they will care enough about you to change their behavior but if not, just remember: you don’t have to subject yourself to it. You deserve better.
Q.
Help. I fell really hard for this girl. And she fell really hard for me as well (telling me I’m the love of her life among other things). Then she got scared and broke up with me. Is it worth fighting for? I think she really does love me and that it really is fear rather than a ‘nice way’ of letting me go. It feels worth it for me, but I am not sure if I should, you know? Her parents are visiting this week. She isn’t from my town (very homophobic, which was the catalyst of her breaking up I think). I might see her the 7th, after her parents leave, because we both have a work thing. She said – drunk – that we should act like strangers, but she could never be a stranger to me.
A.
Heather: Ah, friend. My heart aches for you. I’m sorry to have to say it but you have to take her at her word. Whether or not she’s telling you the full truth of why she broke up with you, she did break up with you, and it’s verrrry unlikely that you’re going to get her to change her mind by questioning her motivations. The sooner you accept her decision, the sooner you’ll be able to start the grieving process that will one day offer healing and a wide world of other possibilities.
Siobhan: No matter what you end up doing right now you need space from her. You say she can’t be a stranger to you and that means you have to avoid her. Do not talk to her at the party and if you get stuck together at it for some reason engage as little as you can. Also please respect her boundary re acting like you don’t know each other, there may be a very good safety related reason for that.
Q.
Ugh, I need advice. Why is it that I’m always “the adult”? I work full time at a 9-5 and i have my own place and a cat and all that and i’m mostly able to keep it all together with the whole adulting thing. I ended things with this cutie I was seeing last month because they weren’t on top of adulting in they way i wanted them to be (in terms of $$$$, work, dealing with emotional trauma, drinking to cover their anxiety, ability to communicate on difficult topics), but now I’ve spent the last month trying to remind myself that I did the right thing. I just wanna fool around with someone who has a full time job, makes eye contact, and who doesn’t need to be reminded to update the billing address on their credit card. Is that too much to ask? And also, what do I do about all the feelings I have rolling around in here? I miss them and I miss fooling around, but I don’t want to be their emotional support human when I know they don’t have the coping mechanisms to emotionally support themselves??? UGH! End rant.
A.
Heather: You gotta let this buddy go! I’m sure you miss them and miss fooling around with them but it sounds like they were making you miserable (and also probably were a little miserable themself, knowing that they were disappointing you so much). Finding someone who lines up with you in all the ways you’ve mentioned (financial security, career aspirations, dealing with trauma and stress and anxiety, communication styles) is hard hard hard hard hard. Most people who are out here looking for relationships are also looking for people who line up with them in those ways, and swinging and missing a lot. Being a human on this earth is hard! It sounds like this isn’t the first time this has happened to you, and that it’s frustrating you a lot. Maybe next time you’re getting involved with someone, you could ask some questions about these things that are so important to you, or be on the lookout for hints that a person doesn’t line up with you in those ways, and bounce before it gets serious enough to cause you so much emotional turmoil. Or, honestly, even changing up the ways and places you’re looking for people to hook up with might help!
Rachel: Friend, it is not too much to ask! Or to rephrase: there are many people of whom asking that is unrealistic, and sometimes those people might be the ones who are more available, but also there are other people who can clear that bar easily. Also, I would love to gently kind of question some of the parameters of this question — if you’re looking for something very casual, as you say you are, does this need to play a role in your interactions in the way you’re talking about? Like if they’re consistently forgetting their wallet or telling you they’re broke after you’ve ordered $50 of delivery to split, that’s one thing, but if you’re reminding them to update their address… that isn’t necessarily on them! You can just… not do that! You don’t live together or share bills; you don’t have to think about it at all, definitely not more than they do. It might be easier to have someone in your life in a casual capacity who isn’t at the same place as you are in your life if you had different boundaries around that for yourself, and would also just probably make your life easier in general.
Siobhan: Not wanting to be someone’s emotional support human is totally valid and it sounds like you cannot be what this person needs right now, there’s nothing wrong with that but it does mean you have to break it off with them for both your sakes. The feelings suck but you’ll get over them in time.
This is less advice and more a note on your comment about eye contact that you should consider in future: not making eye contact is common to diverse neurotypes like autism and is not only completely reasonable behaviour but also something that people should not try to “fix”. Its reasonable to want a partner who is stable and coping well with life but making eye contact doesn’t belong on that list.
Al(aina), Staff Writer: This is so interesting to me! Friend, if you want to fool around, fool around! Maybe I’m not reading this well, but like, if you’re not looking for something serious, why do you care that a person has a full time job, or can “look you in the eye” (RT-ing Siobhan’s advice on that regard)? Just fuck them! Not being able to handle money well doesn’t make a person less of an adult, and I really hope you didn’t tell the person you were fooling with that it did! I’m just here to ask you to think about the ways that what you’re asking for in what appears to be a casual fooling around type situation sound…well, to be frank, classist and ableist! Not everyone can hold down a full time job, nor do they want to, nor has everyone been taught responsibly handle credit cards. If you don’t want to support someone in that, don’t, but don’t say it’s because you’re more of an adult than them.
Also, I wanna ask you to think about “In the way I want them to be”. That’s an interesting way to step into any relationship. People are not the way we want them to be, because we don’t control people. You either accept them as they are, and come along for the ride as they become who they want to be, or you don’t! You chose not to, that’s 10000% cool and fine, but like, don’t make it’s their fault for not being who you want them to be, because it’s kinda your fault for wanting them to be who they clearly aren’t. You can’t make people into who you want them to be, and trying to make fooling around partners who you want them to be is a surefire way to have fewer fooling around partners than you want. Maybe hold onto those thoughts until you’re diving into a committed, we-might-share-a-bank-account relationship.
Does anyone want to give advice in the comments? Because my life feels like a soap opera and I’m going crazy. Here’s the sitch: I’m a bi woman in my mid-20s who has been out since my mid-teens. I recently left an abusive marriage with a man, and am inches away from the divorce being finalized. Since I separated from my abusive ex, I’ve been hooking up with a guy friend in a FWB type thing. I recently met a woman who I instantly clicked with. She’s in her early 30’s, closeted, married to a man who supports her dating women, and has a kid. I don’t want kids, and am not ready for a full blown relationship. She had never been with a woman before me. Thing is, we totally fell for each other hard. I’m head over heels. It feels so good and intense. I’m worried it’s all too fast. Her life might explode. I’ve met her husband, and he seems legitimately okay with it, but it still seems crazy. HELP?
If you gently but forthrightly said all these things to her, what is the worst thing that could happen for all concerned? What’s the best? How could you shape that conversation to increase the chances of that best outcome?
Hey just here to validate the person leaving the abusive relationship – that is NOT ghosting! People have been doing what they need to do to make themselves safe and get out of bad situations forever, before the advent of the word ghosting, and it is not that. You’ve already told your partner you need to leave, many times – they just haven’t listened. Best of luck to you, I hope things go well at your mom’s and that you are able to be safe and heal. <3
Someone once told me “breaking up does not have to be a mutual decision” and THAT IS SO TRUE. You do not need your abusive partner’s permission to break up with them. You have already broken up with them (more than once) so you are not ghosting. They know why you’re leaving, they just don’t like it.
Q4 OP — the person who is having a hard time w friends and opening up — something that I find p validating is when I’m trying to make new friends (which is also sUPER HARD FOR ME) is that I plan Events for us to do together — eg. I’m going to a livecast of the National Theatre’s rendition of Anthony and Cleopatra with a person i’m trying to befriend on Thursday (you don’t have to do something that nerdy lol). It means you can share v inconsequential things about yourself — eg when you watched your first shakespeare play, or when you realized you loved shakespeare — and forge some connection through that. It makes sharing more intimate things easier, knowing a person is on a similar page as you!
(i just reread that, realised how nerdy it sounded, and now feel like…the most Sterotypical English Major ever. #sorrynotsorry)
Yes, this is a great technique! I often ask people out on hikes : as in “I’ll be walking in the forest for two hours this weekend, want to come with? You can also bring other people.” Walking is a great way to talk about things while having plenty of distractions, and if it doesn’t click, there’s a set time limit to the outing.
Person who is worried they’re ghosting their abusive partner (you’re not) – since you still seem to be centering and taking responsibility for their feelings over your own I really think you might benefit from reading Codependent No More, an often recommended self help book
Also people not sure if they should stay friends with ex’s they’re still in love with and/or wait for people who aren’t sure they want to be with them: this Ask Polly from a couple of weeks ago really helped me: https://www.thecut.com/2018/11/ask-polly-hes-confused-should-i-wait-for-him.html
Isn’t this the loveliest sentence? “She keeps bringing up rom coms and recommending podcasts to listen to and sending me pickling recipes.”
Gosh, yes! If someone did that to me, I’d think they were flirting big-time.
Thank you for answering both my question and everyone else’s because there is so much good advice here!
WOW THIS LINE ” Our chemistry is the kind of burn-me-like-the-witch-I-am kind of fire”
Hi person who wants queer money advice. My friend, Cally Ingebritson, does just that. Her company is called Chillax Finance and it’s her mission to give money advice to people not served by the typical money advisors. https://chillaxfinance.weebly.com/about.html
for the formal femme: i started swapping out fancy dresses for fancy jumpsuits a few years ago, and it’s honestly a game-changer. i have a few that are more casual, and a few that are higher-end, and even with my cis male husband i still feel like a fancy queer person. if i’m going super formal or black tie, i wear my favorite blazer and some pointy heels, and always get compliments (which as a lazy femme minimalist rarely happens). highly recommend!
YES I came here to say highly recommend a formal jumpsuit! They’re brilliant.
i was also gonna suggest fancy jumpsuits!!!! they don’t work on me personally but whenever i see someone in them i think they look SO cool and queer and fancy and fun. https://us.asos.com/women/jumpsuits-rompers/cat/?cid=7618¤tpricerange=20-440&refine=attribute_1047:8384 asos has some great ones!!
I came here to say this!!
just here to say that I am firmly part of Team Key Their Car
Can’t recommend from personalize experience, but the OG lesbian in financial advice is Suze Orman! She’s who I would take advice from, for sure.
I feel silly asking but: where is the A+ question box? It’s referenced but I can’t find it!
Make sure you’re signed in and then it is either in the right-hand sidebar on the homepage (larger screens) or at the bottom of the homepage under Recent A+ Posts (mobiles).
I’m against joining the mile high club. Planes are a disgusting petri dish of humanity.
To the person having issues with their bra straps – if you haven’t already, definitely go for a professional bra fitting. I used to have a lot of issues with my bra straps falling down, went for a fitting and found the bras I was wearing were waaay off my actual size, plus I didn’t have the straps tightened the right amount! They will also be able to advise on which bra style is best for your body shape, which can also make a big difference.
Another person here to say queer financial advisors are definitely out there! I recently had to do a frantic search for someone to help me with some inherited retirement accounts, and I feel like I won all the things with the woman I found. We’ve talked about being queer and the intricacies involved with that, our favourite Bernie paraphernalia, living in rural areas, ect… She’s been so helpful with explaining everything, telling me what I need to do, and basically making me not feel completely lost. I’m a big fan of getting a financial advisor whenever possible where big money questions are involved after dealing with her.
My biggest piece of advice for anyone looking for an advisor is find someone who is operates as a fiduciary (they work for their client’s best interest) and is fee-only and independent from big firms. Also, take your time while looking and researching possible advisors. Don’t be afraid to email people, tell them briefly why you’re looking for help, and ask if you would be a good fit in their opinion. From there you can assess if you think they’re a good fit with you during your introductory conversation. Remember they are supposed to work for you and your well being. It is okay to see if their values match yours and if you feel comfortable with them on a personal level. It’s also okay to walk away if they don’t. Lastly, geography doesn’t have to be limiting if you can work with someone virtually. I live in rural East Texas and my advisor is is Massachusetts. The internet is a marvelous thing.
Having been the person who someone was “waiting” for because we weren’t looking for the same thing when we hooked up. Don’t keep waiting, and set whatever boundaries you need to in order to get to a point where you can move on. Communicating those boundaries clearly really is helpful. After a couple of months of drawing and re-drawing boundaries, she told me she needed to cut off contact precisely because she was still waiting for me to change how I felt. It sucks, and I miss her, but frankly I would feel worse if I kept stringing her along unintentionally and then found out/figured it out much later. Because as much as I like this person, my feelings and our situation aren’t going to change the way she would need them to in order to get what she wants.
I relate to so many of these questions and there’s a lot of great advice. Thanks for sharing! With the help of Internet Strangers, I can embark on the journey of becoming a functional human being bit by bit.
It would be nice to have titles, numbers or something so we could easily reference the different letter writers in the comments…
Late to the party and hoping the LWs are still watching. With a cis guy and wanting to dress more MOC ARE YOU ME?! I’ve been with my husband 10 years and just had a second kid. I started wanting to dress more MOC (though I’m old school and want to say butch!) between the two kids. My husband, in this respect, is very supportive and won’t say anything but I do know what he has complemented me on and have noticed the lack. Oh well. You know, I support him, listen to him, care for our house, take care of long term planning together, coparent respectfully, etc., and if I want to dress this way it’s my thing. Every relationship is different but personally it would be a dealbreaker if someone were to care a lot about how I look. Especially when you are trying to parent young kids and run a household, relationships take so much damn work and endless communication and the appearance thing seems to take a second seat.
That said ;) check out The Pregnant Butch. There are soooo few resources for fashion for pregnant MOC folks. I wrote into here earlier this year about it. My go-to was more gender neutral maternity jeans and an open or slightly buttoned button-up over a stretchy shirt.
Also! I don’t know that I identify as bi? maybe a bit more gay but somehow got into this marriage? BUT dressing more MOC has been AMAZING and I highly recommend it! It has helped me ping as queer to people. It has really helped me interact with women in a way that makes me happy. Some interactions just turn up a notch and feel more… almost flirty? Moms at school are intrigued by me and come out to me all the time even though I have a husband? I love it. Give it a try. It’s not like a tattoo or something, if it doesn’t feel right you can always switch it up a bit.
Nerdy bi woman here!
For the person asking for suggestions on readings about love, I would whole-heartedly suggest bell hooks “About Love”. I read it when I was in the “oh my god I’m going to fall in love with this woman” stage of my newer relationship and it truly helped ground me and have new language to tell my girlfriend how I feel about her.
Thanks for taking the time to give me advice! Y’all are so clever and thoughtful.
Hello! Second to last ask here, with the girl who said she wanted to break up and I didn’t know what to do (but I wanted to get her back).
I just wanted to update you all that she messaged me last weekend and we talked for hours.
I met her parents – as a friend (they love me) and everything has been pure bliss since.
She said she thought she would be better off alone – but realized that being without me was worse BY FAR.
We went to the Christmas party together and it was better than anything.
Wish you all a blessed holiday x
To the person who wants to look fancy at a fancy event–have you considered a jumpsuit as an option?