Welcome to the 47th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed. This month’s theme is FEARS AND ANXIETIES! This is broad! Do you think your question qualifies? It qualifies. Please get your questions in by Monday, November 8, 2021! After that, the theme will be HOLIDAY QUESTIONS. Relatives, gifts, travel (or not), running into people from home, holiday stress and seasonal depression — let’s talk about. The general Into the A+ Advice Box (like this one!) where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month.

So, let’s dig in!

Q1:

This is maybe a weird, too-specific question but— for those of you raised in Christianity but no longer active in it, what did you do with all your Christian paraphernalia — study bibles, tapes, books etc?? I have a bunch of Adventures in Odyssey cassette tapes, and I want to rid the earth of them but is there like a museum or somewhere to donate shit like this? I don’t relish throwing them in the dumpster and making more trash in the world but maybe that’s the best option for toxic programming produced by Focus on the Family. 🙄 Lol thanks for indulging me! I love all AS content and espesh when y’all process faith and queerness. It’s been a support and a balm to me over the years and is helping me figure out what I want my spiritual life to look like after being raised in 90s-2000s Christianity & purity culture.

A:

Meg: Personally speaking, I threw most things out or burned them. I understand the feeling of wanting to donate things, but anything that I didn’t want to keep (I have saved my Bible, with all of my study notes from college) I just couldn’t rationalize giving it anyway since I felt like those books and studies actively harmed me. I would love to hear other suggestions though!

Nicole: There have to be some art students out there who are going through some things and might want these. Other than that, I’m kind of with Meg. Unless you’re giving them away to someone who will find dissecting the material useful, I suggest you take advantage of bonfire season!

Q2:

Do you have any advice on how to stop dissociating? I had a traumatic breakup in November 2020, and now, whenever I see or hear from my ex (which I have done absolutely nothing to encourage), I feel completely detached from the world and my own feelings. Like, I can look at their actions from the outside and recognize that they’re trying to start drama, but I feel weirdly blank about all of it. As I’m writing this, I can see that it sounds like I’m in a healthy place where their actions can’t affect me… but really, it feels like my feelings are buried so deep that I can’t access or process them at all…?

A:

Kayla: I think therapy could be very helpful here, but I know it’s not an option for everyone and it’s not an instant nor catch-all solution. I’m sorry your ex has been ignoring your boundaries. I think you would maybe be able to make more progress processing things if you were to truly stop seeing or hearing from your ex, but it sounds like they’re making that difficult. Be patient with yourself. Maybe try keeping a journal so when you do have moments where you’re a little more present in your feelings you can catalogue what those feelings are in the moment and, if it’s helpful, refer back to them.

Himani: Seconding Kayla’s suggestions for therapy and journaling. Another thing I’ve found helpful in coming to terms with emotions that I’ve buried is to talk to people about the details of the experiences. Sometimes I don’t feel a personal reaction to something someone said to me or how I’ve been treated, but when I share the story with a close friend, their dismay or anger on my behalf helps me connect with my own feelings a little better. This is partially what therapy is useful for, as well, but in the absence of that (or even as a supplement to therapy) talking with close friends can be really great for this too.

Nicole: Here to second Himani’s advice and to suggest also that when you talk to someone else about it, you let that other person know that you think you’re dissociating and having trouble feeling appropriate levels of anger or hurt, and that you’d like their help gauging the situation for what it is. It’s basically just being super up-front and asking someone else to be your reality buddy, and it is helpful to your friend because you’re telling them what you need from them, which will help them help you!

Q3:

I haven’t seen my best friend in a year and a half due to the pandemic, and she’s getting her PhD in a different country so that’s not likely to change anytime soon. We FaceTime every week, but I am feeling increasingly distant from her, like we’re not really connecting on our calls. We update each other on our lives, but we haven’t been able to make any memories *together* in so long. What can I do to feel closer to her, even from far away?

A:

Ro: It’s hard to feel close to someone when you’re not sharing in-person experiences together. Here are some suggestions for ways to connect that aren’t just “catching up.”

-Make the same recipe and enjoy a meal together over FaceTime.
-Use an app like Marco Polo to leave each other video messages throughout the week.
-Send each other silly postcards from places you’ve visited.
-Make the same craft together over FaceTime (and if the craft is small enough to mail without paying a ridiculous amount of money, send each other your finished pieces).
-Take each other on virtual tours of your favorite places.
-Pick out each other’s outfits for date nights or other events.
-Play a video game together (I admittedly know nothing about video games, but it seems like something that people do with long distance pals?).
-Host a group hangout on Zoom so you can meet each other’s friends.

Most importantly, be honest with your friend about how you’re feeling. PhD programs can really suck the life out of people, so your friend is probably stressed and overwhelmed. Hopefully, she’s willing to give some of the above suggestions a shot — long-distance friendships require effort from both sides in order to work.

Kayla: I love all of Ro’s suggestions! And yes, I do think it’s a good idea to vocalize some of what you’ve been feeling to your friend. Also keep in mind that friendships do sometimes shift and change—and that doesn’t have to be a bad or scary thing!

Q4:

The situation: I meet someone on an app and we go on a date. She and the date are perfectly nice, but I don’t feel a spark. It’s been like a day since the date and she hasn’t messaged. The question: Should I send a message saying basically “You’re great but this isn’t what I’m looking for right now”, or not message? Obviously if she sends me a message I’ll respond politely, but I don’t know what to do when she hasn’t reached out.

A:

Ro: You certainly don’t have to send a brief, thoughtfully-worded “thanks but no thanks” text to your date, but I think it’s a good practice — 1. It’s kind, and 2. It could save you from an awkward encounter in the future. Presumably, you both live in the same area, and it’s nice to have loose ends tied up if and when you run into each other (or if you start dating each other’s exes, which is uncomfortably common in queer communities). It’s also important to remember that if you didn’t feel a spark, there’s a good chance that your date didn’t feel a spark either. She might be thinking about whether or not she should send you a similar text, and she might be relieved to hear from you.

Q5:

Howdy y’all,

In the last year or so I decided to give nonmonogamy a try, and that has grown into being in a lovely polyamorous relationship with two partners. Everything is going really well on our end, my question is: how do I tell my parents? They are wonderfully supportive people, not batting an eye when I came out or when I went butch, but I have a feeling that this might be pushing the envelope on their unconditional understanding. For context: they’re both 50 year old white Christians who told me I couldn’t date until I was 16 because dating was “the search for a life partner, someone you’re going to commit to forever, so you need to be old enough to know what to look for.” They already know about the partner I’ve been dating for over a year now, and it feels icky to me to keep referring to my other partner as my friend. Any tips or tricks? Right now my plan is to make a PowerPoint and hope for the best. Thanks!

A:

Ro: First, ask yourself why you want to come out as polyamorous to your parents. Do you want both of your partners to be included in family events? Does your new partner want to get to know your family? Are you hoping to feel closer to your parents by sharing more of your life? Are you just sick of lying? Clarifying your reasons for coming out might help you figure out how to frame the conversation.

Re: how you come out— I’m going to give you the same advice I give anyone who’s coming out in any way: when you initiate that conversation, assume the best of the people you’re speaking to and don’t make it a Big Scary Deal. In my experience, if you say something like, “I know that you’re open-minded people who love me and want to support my happiness, so that’s why I want to share this with you,” they’re more likely to remember in the moment that, yes, they are open-minded people who love you and want to support your happiness, and they’ll be more likely to react with that in mind. I’ve also found that people are much more likely to feel comfortable with your gender sexual orientation/ relationship structure/ etc. if it’s clear that you are comfortable with yourself.

But sometimes you can present the information perfectly, and people will still have a negative response. That sucks, and it’s their loss. Just remember that people can change over time.

Q6:

I have lived in the same city as my family all my life. Growing up, I have realized that my parents are not perfect. My siblings can be moody and so can I.
Lately, I have felt more overwhelmed, especially with the pandemic. I worry about my family a lot. Everyone has got their own issues going on and while I know I can’t fix them, I am still constantly thinking about them.

So now – I’m choosing to live in a different city far away for a while. Am I abandoning them? Am I taking myself out of the situation?

I know I still won’t stop thinking about my family and our issues. Can you love your family from far away? How can I still be there for them while also tending to my own needs while I am far away?

A:

Kayla: You’re not abandoning anyone by moving away. In fact, distance can sometimes make it easier to set and maintain boundaries with family members, which could in the long-term be really good for your relationships with your siblings and family.

Ro: Are you taking yourself “out of the situation?” Yes. And that’s not a bad thing! Kayla is right — having distance from your family can absolutely make it easier to set boundaries. And when you’re not spending as much time together due to distance, the time you do have together can be more intentional, and sometimes that can reduce conflict.

And yes, you can still be there for your family from afar but before you start thinking about what’s best for your family’s needs, think about what’s best for your. It sounds like you’ve spent a lot of time putting your family first. Moving away is a great step towards caring for yourself, but if you’re not setting clear boundaries with your family, you might not be able to reap the benefits of physical distance. If you’re not sure where to start, it can be helpful to talk through your feelings with a therapist or a trusted friend. Sometimes we need someone else to validate our needs in order to take them seriously.

Himani: Moving away from your family isn’t abandoning them, and you absolutely can love your family from a distance. There are other ways to show up for your family that you can still do from a distance, and you will see them again. As Ro mentioned at the end of their response, sometimes talking through feelings like these with a therapist can be really helpful. I may be reading too much into your letter, but I am particularly struck by these two questions: “Am I abandoning them?” and “Can you love your family from far away?” Framing a move away from home in these terms implies (to me at least) a strong sense of obligation to family. While that is understandable to some extent, as Kayla and Ro have both said, boundaries are also incredibly important. If you have the means, I think unpacking some of your feelings around moving away from your family could be useful. As I said, maybe I am reading too much into what you wrote, but a therapist may also help you understand what’s behind some of these feelings.

Q7:

Hello! I am a bi cis woman in a relationship with a bi cis man. His family is ~fairly~ conservative, dad’s a retired cop, etc, and he is not out to them. I have mostly avoided meeting them as the pandemic was a great excuse during much of our 3-year relationship, but we are all vaccinated now and I did so for the first time recently and expect to have to do so somewhat more often in the future. I know plenty of queer people have dealt with introducing their partners as their friends/roommates or being introduced as such, but it feels bad to be perceived and accepted as being in a cis4cis hetero relationship when I’m not quite sure they would be nice to me if I were not a cis woman. But at the same time, I don’t want to out my partner (fwiw, I think my bisexuality is more important to me and integral to my identity than his is to him) and my personal preference would be to not interact with these people ever. Am I being a bad person for not shouting my truth (his dad was ~mostly~ on his best behavior because he knows we’re more lefty than he is so he didn’t say anything particularly offensive while I was there and I just know his views from things my partner has shared and some home decor)? Should I just wear my “Queer as Fuck” Autostraddle shirt in opposition to his “shamrock with blue lives matter flag pattern” shirt the next time I have to go over to make a point, passive-aggressively? Something else?

A:

Nicole: Other peoples’ families! I am sorry that’s always sticky. Up top, you’re not a bad person for not speaking your truth the first time you awkwardly meet your partner’s family. You’re both testing the waters in that situation. It sounds like they didn’t speak theirs, either. I think, from what you’re asking, this is more about how you want to handle things long-term. The main question that arose for me while I looked this over was whether you’d talked with your partner in-depth about this. I think you can’t know his feelings, how much he’d care if you were in conflict with his family over things like your being out, how comfortable or uncomfortable being out to them would make him feel or whether he has ever considered coming out to them…without asking! (Apologies if you’ve already had this conversation.) Have you talked about whether he needs you to be there for family time each time, or some of the time, if it’s uncomfortable for you? It is weird to say because family stuff holds so much sway over people, but your presence is completely optional. This is not life or death. You do not have to visit if you don’t want to. That doesn’t mean you can stop him from visiting, of course, but you don’t have to go with. This might be a good time for you to clarify your values with each other and how your various needs (his for whatever connection to his family he wants to maintain, yours for being seen and not stressed out by this dynamic) and see how you can negotiate something that more or less works for you both. This might mean conflict with his family. It might mean that everyone has to learn and grow over time! But the important first step, from my perspective, is making sure that you and your partner are on the same page. Good luck out there!!

Q8:

CW: guns

So this is a bit of an odd situation, but I’m really conflicted about what to do. It recently came up in a group conversation that my best friend of several years, with whom I share pretty much everything, unbeknownst to me, owns and enjoys shooting guns. I was somewhat blindsided and didn’t really say anything at the time but cannot stop thinking about it. Guns make me very uncomfortable. I know that they are somewhat common in American households, and that some people treat shooting like a sport, but I’ve never been up close with them and my family has never had any. To be honest, the entire prospect of regular people owning and using them freaks me out. They are a deadly weapon and they scare me beyond belief. To add to things, I was talking to my partner to try and parse why I was so upset and she was somewhat nonchalant about it, saying she has been to shooting ranges herself and doesn’t think it odd to own a gun, especially a family gun, and assured me that our friend must have safety training and is responsible. I know that she’s right about that, and I feel very much like an over emotional weirdo for caring so much, but I cannot stop thinking about it and even though I don’t want it to it is affecting how I see my friend and how comfortable I feel around her. How can I talk with her about this? Am I insane for being so extremely uncomfortable with the concept of even trusted close friends and family owning and using guns? I have a feeling if I talk to her about it I will only get the same reassurance of her safe gun practices and that honestly doesn’t make me feel much better.

A:

Himani: Personally, I don’t think you’re being insane. In related situations, I have similarly felt deeply uncomfortable with the knowledge of friends owning guns. (I cannot even fathom the prospect of family, so I’m just not going to go there, even in hypothetical format.) In my view, this comes down to a political difference. If you found out that a friend voted for Trump in 2016 or 2020, would that change how you feel about them? I’m guessing it probably would. Similarly, since gun control is clearly very important to you (as it is to me), the knowledge that someone you know and trust owns a gun has changed how you view that person. Because owning a gun is a clear statement on where someone stands on gun control. They might be in favor of assault weapon bans or background checks, but we all know that these measures alone aren’t going to substantially reduce gun violence in America and also abroad because of the trafficking of guns out of the U.S. because it is so absurdly easy to get a gun in this country. Actually reducing the number of guns is what will make a real difference in reducing gun violence.

I’m not saying stop speaking to this friend or break up with your partner. And I’m also not saying that owning a gun is exactly on par with voting for Trump. But I want you to know that you’re not insane for feeling the way you do. You’re allowed to have strong convictions in your values and political beliefs, particularly as they surround real safety. Some might say that this isn’t about politics at all, but oh it absolutely and entirely is and has been for decades. It’s up to you to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you in terms of this friendship or how you want to spend time with this friend or even your relationship. Again, I just want to repeat that you’re not insane and I do think you’re absolutely allowed to decide that this is a deal breaking issue for you, but I also want to emphasize that it doesn’t have to be either. Take your time to sort this out for yourself and figure out what you’re most comfortable with and what feels safest to you.

Ro: I don’t have much information about your or your friend, but I’ll do my best to add my thoughts here. Even if gun violence or gun-related accidents have never touched your life, it’s totally normal to have a negative reaction to a deadly weapon AND it’s totally normal to have big feelings about a politically-charged issue. Everyone has deal breakers when it comes to friendships and relationships, and, like Himani said, if gun ownership is one of those deal breakers for you, that’s ok. If, however, you want to preserve this friendship, I think you could benefit from asking your friend some questions. Even if you and your friend never get to a place where you agree on gun ownership, having more context might help you better understand her choices.

If you’re concerned about safety, learn more about your friend’s safety practices and training. If you’re concerned about your friend’s reasons for owning guns, ask her what kind(s) of guns she owns and what purpose they serve in her life. Not every gun owner is a straight, white, cis Republican with an assault rifle threatening to shoot trespassers on their lawn. Some people own guns for hunting, which might be hard to stomach if you’re an animal lover, but I think it’s important to remember that hunting for the purpose of procuring meat and hides is an important tradition in some regions, families and cultures that your friend might be part of. Some people own guns for protection. If your friend is someone who has been robbed or assaulted in the past and/or feels unprotected by police and/or regularly feels threatened, that might have something to do with her choice to own guns. The US has a long history of marginalized people (the Black Panthers, the Black Women’s Defense League, the Queer & Trans Trigger Warning Gun Club, etc.) owning and carrying guns to defend themselves and/or send the message that they can defend themselves against people and institutions that threaten their safety. If your friend is someone who feels this way, it might be a little easier to understand why and how she chose to own guns, even if you think it’s wrong.

But maybe your friend isn’t a hunter or someone who’s scared all the time. Maybe she is one of those “get off my lawn or I’ll shoot” types. Or maybe you’ll find that your friend is behaving irresponsibly. Or maybe you’ll think her reasons for owning guns are ridiculous. Or maybe you’ll think she has valid reasons for owning guns and you still won’t feel comfortable with her choices. It’s hard to lose a friend, but again, like Himani said, it’s ok to have deal breakers, and while I think it’s important to hear out our loved ones when we disagree, it’s also important to be honest with yourself about what your deal breakers are and take action accordingly.

Q9:

How do you take a great selfie that shows your butt? When I take it in profile I feel like my belly ruins it.

A:

Nicole: I would like to refer you to Vanessa’s piece, How To Take a Perfect Butt Selfie”. Also, to add to it, with any self, experiment with lighting! Having the curtains open or closed, a sunbeam there (a sunbeam bringing focus to your butt?), candlelight, colorful lighting — all of these will make a photo of you in the exact same position look different and you might find some techniques you really like. (I am not a professional photographer I just like, open the curtains and take a photo and look at it compared to other photos to see if it looks better. That is the level.) I am also inviting further ideas from the comment section!

Q10:

A few months ago, I made a friend on bumble bff who happens to live in my neighborhood and is also queer. Awesome! Sadly, other night she texted saying she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I respect her decision but feel hurt and some shame.

She originally texted expressing her frustration that I don’t share more about myself, including my personal history and my opinions. She said she doesn’t feel like I’ll ever want to meet her other friends and doesn’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable being my real self around her. I thanked her for sharing and said (honestly) I’m a private and reserved person and I can understand how that can be hard for others. I also said (honestly) that because she can vent about others in a way that feels critical and judgmental, it’s made me cautious about sharing certain things about myself. She replied by saying she doesn’t want to continue being friends and then blocked me.

I totally respect her decision and of course won’t contact her again, but I do feel weird. I *am* private, and I have experienced a lot of trauma (not her fault, of course) so I am sensitive. Sharing things is a big deal to me and I am cautious about it. I get some people want more depth early on, but I just don’t work that way. Should I change this before trying to make more friends? I feel really badly and like I’m the problem.

A:

Ro: I don’t think you need to change your behavior based on feedback from one person who didn’t get to know you very well and doesn’t seem willing to accept feedback herself. It’s normal to be a little more reserved around new friends, especially when they’ve proven themselves to be judgemental.

Himani: Please don’t feel badly. This person was pushy and rude. As Ro said, it is really normal to be reserved around new friends. And regardless of what is “normal” everyone gets to have their own boundaries around how they want to interact with other people. People have to earn our trust and confidence; they can’t just demand it. I promise, the problem really is not you, and with enough time and patience, I trust that you’ll meet kinder people who are able to meet you where you are at. That’s what real friendship is about, after all.

Q11:

I have been struggling lately with SPECIFICALLY my age’s place in queer media / internet culture. I’m 22, and it feels like everyone a little older than me grew up in no representation + did really amazing work to change that, and then everyone younger than me is like soooo out and happy and confident. and then there’s me / the people i know pretty much exactly my age (like, literally only people who are currently ~20-25) who have all of the internalized homophobia of having childhood in the early 2000s and so none of the ability to be impactfully influencing to young queers. They’re all just so far ahead of us in terms of accepting ourselves even though they’re younger. Advice?

A:

Ro: While Gen Z does have access to more queer representation in media than previous generations, not all LGBTQ+ Gen Zers are perfectly happy with their identities. The ability to accept oneself depends on context, and even when it looks like our culture at large has shifted towards greater acceptance, context can vary A LOT across countries, regions, cities, religions, families, etc. Some Gen Z queer and trans folks have parents and schools that limit their access to websites, TV and books that feature queer and trans stories. Plenty of Gen Z queer and trans folks are growing up in homophobic and transphobic households. Some attend openly homophobic and transphobic schools and churches. A young person can watch every single episode of Generation Q, but if they’re still getting hateful messages from the adults you love and trust, they’re probably going to wrestle with some internalized homophobia and/or transphobia for a while. In short: Gen Z is not some sparkly, golden generation that’s completely immune to shame. So please be kind to yourself about the internalized homophobia you’re trying to unwind — you’re not alone, and there are LGBTQ+ folks of all generations who are facing a similar struggle.

If you want be a postive influence on younger LGBTQ+ folks in your life, you don’t have to do something big and splashly like writing and directing a lesbian romantic comedy holiday film (although if you have the means to do that, please do, because I hated Happiest Season). You can just live your life and work towards accepting yourself. When I was an openly queer teen, I didn’t know any adult queer women who could serve as role models, and I struggled to find my path in life without a blueprint. When I started college, I had a couple of queer professors who had an enormous impact on me just by being themselves. I got to witness adult queer women living happy lives, nourishing happy relationships and wearing incredible outfits. Seeing examples of what my life could be like someday was enormously comforting — it helped me feel excited about my own future. If you can be that for someone, you can change (or even save) a life.

Q12:

Any advice on how to taper a crush on a new friend? I met a fellow queer woman recently through a meetup group and feel that little spark of excitement when I see or think about her. I’m in a serious relationship and don’t want to blow up my life or cause anyone pain, so I’m hoping to be friends without acting on/talking about my crush. Still, I am feeling some guilt and shame, and find myself obsessing a bit over if I’m acting “normal” or not.

A:

Nicole: Have you told your partner about your crush? MAYBE this is out of left field in terms of the dynamics of your relationship, but I feel like voicing it, sharing it, making it no longer a secret between you makes it something shared. You’re human! You’re going to have crushes! It’s okay! I hope your partner can meet you where you are, that you can both employ talking about the crush as a way to make it a not-guilty, not-shameful, perfectly natural thing. I’m answering this as though you don’t want to do anything about this crush, which is what you’ve indicated, so, over time, it will probably just fade into friendship, especially as you get to know this person more fully and see her for the complex human she is. I think there is an element to crushing on someone in the way that is not the same as the feeling you have for someone you’re actively dating, but that requires not knowing them well. A crush is always part fantasy. Give yourself six months. Check in with yourself in six months. Then, ask yourself how you feel.

Q13:

Hello fashion team! I’m getting married (!) in a year or so and trying to figure out what to wear. I THINK a jumpsuit is the right thing for me (I’m not really a suit/tux bi, although I’m v excited for my gf to wear one) and I don’t remember the last time I wore a dress, so that feels off too. I love a casual jumpsuit in my regular life. BUT I don’t love the jumpsuits I’m finding on most bridal websites. Any suggestions for other places to look for one that’s dressy/formal but maybe not so…traditionally bridal? Or maybe dresses that read more queer (but aren’t like, a tulle rainbow)? Or…a really femme suit? (lol as you can see I’m still pretty unsure about what I want here, really any suggestions are welcome).

A:

Meg: Hi and congratulations! I absolutely love a jumpsuit for formal occasions, and depending on your shape, size, and style preferences you might be able to find options in a number of different places. I happen to be pretty short so for me, going to a nice department store (I’ve had good luck at Bloomingdale’s and Nordstrom) to try things on in person is really helpful, and a good tailor can help you tweak it to fit just right. If you don’t have a store like this that you can visit in real life, I’ve purchased several jumpsuits from ASOS with great success. I would also browse online at Zara, Club Monaco, Free People, Modcloth, Phase Eight, and CoEdition. And if you want a layer, something fun like this satin blazer from Express or this velvet blazer from Alice + Olivia could go over the jumpsuit, or could pair with simple pants to be dressy without going for a full suit. Rent the Runway can also be a worthwhile place to get ideas!

If you want to go the femme suit route, check out Sharpe Suiting, Aritzia, Duchess Clothier, Theory, Ministry of Supply, Little Black Tux — plus, both Express and ASOS also have a lot of affordable mix-and-match suiting options too. And while they aren’t quite as femme, it’s also worth checking both Wildfang and Bindle & Keep, as they make beautiful and unique options that might appeal to you. Good luck!

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