Welcome to the 46th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed. The theme of this advice box is STRAIGHT PEOPLE PROBLEMS! November’s theme will be FEARS AND ANXIETIES. Do you want advice or maybe just support with an anxiety or fear or other dreaded thing that you just can’t shake? It’s totally okay to be dealing with these things, and we are ready to do our best to help! Get your questions in by Monday, November 8, 2021! The general Into the A+ Advice Box where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month and you are always welcome to submit advice questions on any subject!

Q1:

hey guys,
so when I was in seventh grade I got bullied by my maths teacher pretty terribly. one time years ago I heard someone mention her by coincidence and got a total panic attack, that’s how bad it was. now I am a university student. I recently changed universities to follow my dream of becoming a translator and so far everything has been wonderful, the absolute majority of the teachers are extremely lovely and considerate. but now theres this one teacher who was unnecessarily rude to me via e-mail, like, just, really mean and attacking me for no reason other than me not understanding a bureaucratic thing. I got a panic attack again and cried, just because of an e-mail! how am I going to deal with her should I ever meet her in person? I will of course try to avoid her at all costs but what if thats not possible? she makes me feel absolutely horrible and it’s only in an e-mail interaction?? could you give me some advice on how to deal with rude people in positions of authority instead of dissolving into a puddle of tears and hyperventilating and nearly fainting? btw I loooove Autostraddle so fucking much, I love you, so much, you have helped me as a babygay and you are the most entertaining site in the entire Internet.
Love, Scared Gay

A:

Himani: So I don’t know where you’re writing in from and I recognize you’re in university so your options may be limited, but I think it could be helpful to talk to a therapist or mental health counselor about what happened to you in seventh grade. That sounds like it was a really traumatic experience that continues to really deeply affect you. See if your university offers wellness or counseling services. Many colleges in the U.S. at least do, and they often have a few free sessions for students; I don’t know what is available outside the U.S.

I really don’t mean this in any kind of harsh way, but unfortunately, dealing with assholes is just a part of life. When I started college, right before classes started my first semester, I realized that I had signed up for a math class that I absolutely had to take for my math major that conflicted with the School of Music’s “Common Hour,” which music majors were required to attend. (I was a double major.) I was frantically walking around the (basically empty) music building trying to find an advisor or someone to understand the Common Hour requirement better, and I only encountered one professor. When I explained to him why I was there and what my issue was, he very grumpily said, “You shouldn’t have class during Common Hour!” while walking away from me. (He literally did not even stop.) That incident really set the tone for the rest of my experience as a music major for the next five years (which I have written about very briefly).

Fast forward about fifteen years, and I had just started a new job (my current full-time job) and was taking over administration of a CRM that was a complete mess and is formally “managed” by our college’s Admissions office (but they really and truly have done shit all with it). I’m not going to get into the details, but basically I made a small mistake that was easily fixed (because I, obviously, backed up the data before I started changing anything) and yet the guys in Admissions absolutely dragged me for it: sent extremely accusatory emails that were unsparing in calling me incompetent and copied my director and their director on them and took away all of my administrative permissions on the CRM until I “proved” that I could be “trusted” with it.

I bring these two examples up for two reasons. First, to illustrate the point that you will encounter assholes in every walk of life. Unfortunately, that is just the reality of existing in this world. People who will blow up at you in completely uncalled for, unprofessional and unkind ways and face absolutely zero repercussions for it because they stand above you in some constructed hierarchy. This will continue to happen. I honestly can’t tell you how many times something like this has happened to me between those two incidents (and also since then!), and I’m certain there are countless incidents that I just don’t even remember.

Second, I bring it up to share a few of the skills that I’ve learned over the years. When things like this happened to me in college, I was absolutely devastated, much in the way you describe. With age and perspective I’ve been able to see the countless racial and gender dynamics at play in every single one of these encounters, always. Being able to see and name those dynamics has helped me to take these situations a little less personally and build up my confidence. Oh, I still get mad as hell, don’t think I don’t, but I don’t internalize it any more, I don’t see it as my fault and my failing or focus on the mistake I made. I get angry about how I’m being treated and that people can get away with being so incredibly cruel to their colleagues and their supervisees and their students, but not at myself for making a mistake or not understanding or not knowing something.

Sometimes, I call on my support network to help me see that. For instance, when shit was going down with the Admissions office, I had a conversation with my sister and when I got to the part of the story where I had a backup of the data, she was like, “Wait, so what the fuck are they mad about? You made a mistake, but you also easily fixed it.” That conversation helped me to not internalize what was being said about and to me. Increasingly, and particularly when it comes to skills related to my full-time job, I can sit with the confidence that I do, in fact, know what I’m doing, that I’m actually incredibly good at my job and that everyone — literally everyone — makes a mistake: what matters is how you handle it afterwards. So I encourage you to build up your confidence where you can.

And this is what I grounded my conversations with when I had to have in-person meetings with those guys from Admissions about the CRM: I relied on my own sense of my accomplishments and credibility (rather than letting them define those things in me), I stayed professional (to the extent I could, sometimes I struggle with this one) and I reiterated all the things I had done before and after the mistake that prevented the issue from being as astronomical as they seemed to think it was. My director also took my side and helped me with this, as well. (Sort of, but I won’t digress too much more…) So in your case, consider whether there are any other professors you have good relationships with who it might be worth talking to about what happened. This can be a dice-y prospect, and I’m not necessarily suggesting you follow through on it. But think it over and see if it’s an option. More often than not, in my experience in college, this wasn’t an option for me, which is one of the things that makes the student-teacher dynamic so particularly fraught.

But I do encourage you to start with trying to find someone to talk to about what happened to you in seventh grade. It seems like the way that teacher mistreated you affected you very deeply, and that’s completely understandable. Processing that experience may help you be able to separate situations in the present from what happened to you in the past and anything you might have internalized from then. I certainly have spent many, many years working on this very thing because of my experiences majoring in music in college.

Vanessa: Hi! First of all I will say I am so sorry about what happened to you in seventh grade, and I am so sorry about the rudeness you’ve encountered with this teacher now. Second of all I will say Himani’s advice is EXCELLENT and I personally am going to try to internalize every single bit of it, so I really encourage you to do the same. I am a huge fan of therapy in general, and I think this is a great example of a time when unpacking some things that occurred in the past will make a material difference to your whole life, not just this one incident, so I really stand behind Himani’s suggestion there.

The one other thing I think I can add which hasn’t been discussed yet is to try to keep a bit of an open mind about this specific teacher moving forward. It’s possible they are in fact extremely rude 24/7 and will continue this pattern whenever you deal with them. As Himani said, assholes abound everywhere, and it’s absolutely not your fault or your responsibility to change them, and it sucks that you have to deal with it. I am not saying their email was okay or excusing their rudeness; rather, as a way for you to move forward and not fear future encounters, I’m suggesting mentally wiping the slate clean even though they were in the wrong. Some people are very rude over email and much more polite in person. Some people are very bad at managing their emotions and can’t keep it together when they’re having a bad day. Some people are just jerks some of the time because they can be. As I said, none of this behavior is excusable, but to calm yourself for potential future interactions, I think it could be helpful to consider that the email exchange could be an isolated incident, and psych yourself up for a positive interaction in the future.

I also do think it’s okay to cry or feel deep sadness in private when someone is unkind to you. And, if you’re feeling like the power dynamic allows and you personally feel up to it, it’s also okay to say to an authority figure that their response or tone was upsetting to you. You may not feel comfortable or safe making this choice, which as Himani pointed out, is one of the fraught issues between teacher/student dynamics, but for future life advice, I do think it’s a good skill to hone to know A. when it IS safe to tell a person in authority that their behavior harmed you and B. practice doing so. I think that might empower both past you and present you (and future you!). Good luck out there! Thanks for reading Autostraddle, and I hope we’ve helped make you a bit less scared about this specific issue. We’re rooting for you.

Q2:

For the straight people advice – what is it with straight women referring to their female friends as girlfriends? It drives me nuts! And I’ve managed to have one of my sisters stop doing it, but haven’t managed with anyone else. Help! (and thank you, you all are amazing)

A:

Himani: I guess I wonder what it is about straight women calling their women friends “girlfriends” that is driving you nuts? I guess I don’t know many people who do this and the ones I have heard use the word “girlfriends” in that way all tend to be older, so I assume it’s just a linguistic and shifting language thing. If it is truly bothering you, you can ask them to stop and explain why you find it troubling, but as you’ve already experienced, you may not always succeed in that. Personally, this is a case where I prefer to pick and choose my battles. There’s too many things in the world that keep me up at night, so I’ve personally never let this one bother me all that much, but that’s just me.

Vanessa: Haha, this made me chuckle because the only person I’ve encountered doing this was my very first girlfriend’s mom, and I just made up a story in my head that she was bisexual and polyamorous, so now I’m recalling that fun absolutely false story I used to tell myself. So that’s one option — just recast everyone who ever says this around you as queer and open in your mind! I’m kidding, but I’m also not totally kidding. I do agree with Himani here — I’m not totally sure what about this particular language choice is making you sooo irritated — I absolutely think it’s annoying in a low key way and occasionally confusing in a disappointing way, but I don’t think it’s something that I would worry too hard about changing. As long as the people involved are respectful to you about your actual girlfriends (or partners, etc) and see you as the full queer human that you are, I’d let them keep their vaguely misleading “girlfriends” in their vocab. That does make me wonder though — and forgive me if I’m overstepping — but maybe the thing that’s frustrating you so much is that these women don’t respect your full queer identity? I often think about that quote (I forget who said it?) about how if you dislike someone the way they sip their soup will bother you, but if you like them they could dump the whole bowl in your lap and you wouldn’t mind? I can’t help but wonder if this is the scenario here, in which case I would say the solution is just hang out with these straight women less! Let them talk about their girlfriends far away from you, goddess bless, amen!

Q3:

A straight friend of mine is having a gender reveal party and I am horrified!!! Another one is having a wedding party with bridesmaids and dresses and expensive bachelorette weekend girls trips and all of that. These are both girls I grew up with, we ran track together and went to the same college on purpose because we were so close, but now we’re in our 20s and…especially after I came out a few years ago.. going in really separate ways. How do I politely decline going to these cishet rites of passage that I want nothing to do with, even though the people hosting them are people I love? I’m fine with rolling my eyes and giving an obligatory Instagram like or whatever, but do I really need to be there in person? Is it awkward not to go?

A:

Ro: Here’s my stance: I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to attend anyone else’s milestone event if you don’t want to or if you don’t have the means to attend. With weddings in particular, the fact that we expect people to spend tons of money on travel, accomodations, gifts and formalwear when we decide to enter into a legal contract with a romantic partner is bizarre! Lots of people can’t get paid time off of work to attend an event across the country or across the world, and lots of people don’t have money to spend on wedding stuff (and when you have a lot of friends who all get married around the same time, those costs add up QUICKLY). Plus, weddings often present accessibility issues for neurodivergent people, people with disabilities, people with severe food allergies and — especially right now — people who are immunocompromised. In my experience, wedding planners rarely take those folks into account. Ok, that’s the end of my wedding rant.

In your case, it sounds like you don’t want to attend these events because you don’t want to take part in the institutions and ideology that these events represent, and that is a totally valid reason to not go. Will it be awkward if you don’t attend? Probably. If you make up an excuse to explain your absence, you might be able to avoid the discomfort. But the excuse thing will only work for so long. Presumably, you’ll have other friends who will get married or decide to reveal their fetus’ “gender” at a party. If you feel comfortable being honest with your friends, you can share your feelings, especially if you want to maintain close relationships with them. Remember that marriage means different things to different people, and your friend who’s getting married likely considers her wedding “the most important” day of her life, so keep that in mind if you broach that particular subject. And ask questions! Your friend’s views on marriage might align with yours more than you realize.

But there’s still another option — you can attend one or both of these events and subtley, for lack of a better phrase, fuck shit up. For example, you can bring a trans-affirming children’s book as a gift to the gender reveal party. I like the “fuck shit up” option and have used it myself because I believe that straight people need queer friends in their lives. Straight people often shoulder expectations that queer folks have already reimagined, and they can benefit from our perspective and experience, especially when they’re raising children who might be queer or trans. Whether or not you attend these events, you can be an important influence in your friends’ lives and in the lives of their children. You can also choose to drift apart now or later, and that’s ok, too.

Himani: Personally, I think this question comes down to how badly you want to maintain these friendships and what kind of friendship you want to maintain with these two people moving forward. As Ro says, you’re not obligated to attend anything insofar as no one should be forced to do anything against their will. But declining these events will have its consequences. Which isn’t an argument in and of itself to participate in all the bridal festivities and the gender reveal, but I think sometimes we have to be honest with ourselves: often I’ve found that when I have this kind of difference with a friend where they invite me to something that I am absolutely dead set against or don’t believe in, the problem isn’t in the event or action itself, but rather where our friendship is headed.

Sometimes, I think I really struggle to relate to the broader queer community because I assumed I was straight until I was practically 29 and I’ve spent the vast majority of my life navigating predominantly white spaces as a South Asian person and also have never felt comfortable in South Asian spaces either. There’s a way in which negotiating my place in spaces that have no room and (oftentimes) actively don’t want me has been and continues to be an inescapable part of my life, and something that I think is an inescapable part of human relationships in general. I bring this up because I have been to more weddings than I can count, I’ve been in far more weddings than I could have possibly imagined and have attended a growing number of baby showers (not, specifically, gender reveals, which I will return to in a minute). Even as it’s become abundantly clear that I will have spent far, far more money on these events than any of my friends will ever spend on the milestones that matter to me in my life (like, for instance, buying my roses or my tenth anniversary with my cat, which really are years-long commitments), I still go if I have the time and if I can afford to because I know that these events matter to my friends and because I want to celebrate my friends in something that is important to them, regardless of whether or not it’s something I personally believe in.

To be clear, I’m not saying go simply for the sake of going. I have gone to these events because they are celebrations of the lives of people who I very, very dearly love, who are incredibly important to me, and who I’ve had countless political conversations with and so we all agree that cis heteronormativity is fucked up (among many other things in the world). And so returning to the gender reveal specifically, personally this is where I would draw my own line. If a friend were to invite me to one (which hasn’t happened up to this point, so I’m truly talking in hypotheticals), I would have an honest conversation about why I think gender reveals are problematic and transphobic events and why I would be more than happy to celebrate this new phase of their life at a baby shower, say, but not a gender reveal. Also, as a somewhat relevant aside, several of my friends have indefinitely postponed their wedding celebrations because of COVID and if someone did invite me to one within the next six to twelve months, I probably would decline it on the basis of the pandemic alone because I just don’t think a gathering like that is safe (unless it was an especially small wedding of like ten people, or something).

I’ve shared my personal decision-making around this to offer a different perspective. But I do think the most important thing here is to really reflect on what these friendships are to you and how you can see them growing or not. There are plenty of people who were previously very important in my life, who I was previously very close with, who I’ve grown apart from because our politics just started to diverge a little too much. I haven’t always had conversations with them about why I couldn’t make their wedding or their baby shower or whatever short of saying that I’m not available for the event. And if that’s where you land with either or both of these particular friends, that’s fine too. I’ve also had friendships that I grew apart from for a few years and then we reconnected years later and I was happily surprised to find that my friend’s politics and my own had once again shifted to have a little more common ground. So that’s the other thing to keep in mind, is that these things ebb and flow and you and other people will continue to grow and change.

Vanessa: I really love Ro and Himani’s advice here, and I think paired together they both really cover a beautiful and nuanced perspective about why a queer person may or may not choose to attend an event like a wedding or a gender reveal party. I have to agree that I think the main thing to think about is how your friendships currently exist, and how you want them to exist in the future. If you are really close with these girls, I think (in my opinion) your friendships deserve conversations around why you’re uncomfortable with attending these events. I don’t think it would be awkward not to go per se but I do think they will wonder why you didn’t go, so if you love them and want to continue loving them, it will be worth putting in the time to talk about it. And also — this is hard but worth saying out loud, I think — if this is a moment where you realize you are not going to continue being close friends as life goes on, that’s okay. And if you realize that, I don’t think a conversation is necessarily called for; it’s just something to note and accept.

Q4:

My in-laws have been really supportive gay allies — until now. I recently came out as nonbinary and even though my wife and I have tried to explain it to them multiple times, they keep putting me in a binary box! They keep “forgetting” my new pronouns and complain about how hard it is to remember. They keep buying us like that kind of love is love stuff that has two wives in it, even though I’m really uncomfortable with it. And I feel bad about complaining! So many people have it so much worse. My in-laws are in our wedding photos and cried (in the good way, i mean!!), we celebrate holidays together and visit them on the weekends or whatever, I’ve always felt so lucky that we didn’t have any “horror stories” to deal with except now… maybe I do? I don’t know what to do about it! My wife has been helping me correct them, but I feel bad asking her to take a more firm line, I think? Because they are her parents and she’s incredibly close with them? (I think my wife would if I asked, I just… don’t feel comfortable asking, is the thing). How do I stand up for myself when it’s changing our whole family dynamic?

A:

Ro: Maybe your in-laws are intentionally misgendering you or maybe they’re truly just forgetful. In either case, it sounds like you need to have a conversation with them about the importance of honoring your gender and pronouns. They may be your wife’s parents, but they’re also part of your family now. They need to treat you with respect, even if that requires some homework on their end.

You might be the only non-binary person they know. It’s totally possible that they just don’t understand how damaging misgendering can be. In my experience, some people don’t really “get it” until you name the feelings that come up for you when you’re misgendered. Maybe you feel hurt or belittled or disrespected. Presumably, your in-laws don’t want you to feel that way, and understanding the stakes of misgendering might inspire them to put in more effort. And speaking of effort, encourage them to practice! They can use they/them pronouns in conversation together or read a book (like A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns, co-authored by Autostraddle’s own Archie Bongiovanni, which makes a great holiday gift).

And you can absolutely ask for your wife’s support in this — just be clear about the kind of support you want. You said that she’s helping you correct her parents when they use incorrect pronouns. Would you prefer that she correct them all the time? Do you want her to correct your pronouns in your absence? Do you want her to be part of a conversation with her parents about your pronouns or do you want her to initiate that conversation on her own? If she isn’t currently giving you adequate support, it’s probably because she doesn’t know what kind of support you need. It’s totally ok to ask for that. You’re on the same team.

Vanessa: I agree with every single thing Ro said, and I also just want to validate that you absolutely have a right to be upset by this. You write in your question, “And I feel bad about complaining! So many people have it so much worse,” and sure, maybe they do, but this is your life and this is making you feel awful, and you don’t need to minimize that feeling. This behavior is unacceptable and it needs to change; hopefully that change can happen sooner than later.

I also want to emphasize Ro’s point about asking your wife for support. As a cis person who is very close with her family, I would have no qualms supporting my trans or non binary partner in whatever way they wanted me to if my family was misgendering them. I don’t say this to toot my own horn at all, simply to affirm that I really appreciate when a trans person tells me how to support them and what they want and need, so I can show up in a way that is materially useful for them. You say in your question “I think my wife would if I asked, I just… don’t feel comfortable asking, is the thing,” so I just really want to support and encourage you to try to get comfortable having this conversation with your wife. I think she will really appreciate knowing how to support you, and unfortunately her voice may carry the most weight when it comes to getting through to her parents.

Finally, you ask “How do I stand up for myself when it’s changing our whole family dynamic?” and I just want to say that it’s okay to change the whole family dynamic. Life events change family dynamics all the time. It is not your fault. You are not doing anything wrong. This is simply a change that needs to happen, and it is the people around you (who love you!) who need to do the work. I am hopeful that they will.

Q5:

:Straight Ppl Probs:

What’s your take on the “hall pass”? Like when a cis straight person says such and such celebrity is their hall pass. I can’t count the number of times over the years I’ve heard straight friends and family say that about some celeb— usually it’s a straight cis female friend or family member saying that a female celeb is her “hall pass”. Always kind of rubs me the wrong way! Same when a cis straight person says they have a “girl crush”. And it’s all under this notion of heterosexual marriage that you need a “pass” or permission to have attraction to someone else outside the relationship!

I don’t even know what my question is here LOL. Just, does this happen to anyone else and what do you usually say/do in the moment? It always makes me feel awkward, like this person specifically dropped that mention into our conversation because they know I’m queer. On the other hand, I try to temper that with the fact that idk maybe this person is bi or pan and that’s awesome and I shouldn’t be so judgy! Any clever zingers to redirect the conversation and decenter heteronormativity? (“Doesn’t have to be a hall pass, it could be your main class and you might like it!”)

Also postscript: just wanna acknowledge lesbians aren’t great at this either and I’ve been in plenty of conversations where it goes south because one half of a couple starts talking abt their celeb fuck list and then their partner gets jealous. Not saying we’re perfect angels!

A:

Himani: I can’t say that this has happened to me, but that’s partially because I am such a homebody and most of my friends don’t live near me. But also, many of my friends don’t seem to use this “hall pass” language at all and instead openly and freely express their attraction to celebrities of any gender, even while in committed relationships. So I’m with you, that I think this framework of “hall pass” is pretty messed up for all the reasons you outlined. I don’t have a great answer for you, but I do just want to say that I think your zinger is great and does a great job of calling out the situation without laying judgement on anyone.

Vanessa: Okay honestly I’m starting to realize that I barely know any straight people, and also barely know any monogamous people, because I too have not encountered this specific language from straights or queers! What a world.

I am of two minds about this. Part of me is like… oh my god, eye roll, don’t even give this the time of day, your zinger did make me LOL, good riddance. And then part of me is like… okay to be honest this is kind of a fucked up underlying issue and I do hate that straight people both fetishize queerness and other queerness, and maybe this is a time to have a more serious conversation about how it can be hurtful to dismiss queerness as a “hall pass”… I think as I’ve said with a few of these answers, it depends on how close you are with these people and how deeply you care about the friendships. If these are random colleagues or acquaintances, I’d probably just raise my eyebrows and keep it moving. But if a close friend said this to me, I may take it as an opportunity to probe deeper. Are they trying to come out to me in a safe way? Do they want to hear why I think this is a fucked up way to view the world? If they’re a lesbian couple and talking about celebs we’re sexually attracted to leads to a legit argument about jealousy and they’re my close friends… I’m going to have to say something! If they’re just some gal pals in the bathroom line at the gay dance party (pre pandemic, obvs) then I am likely going to shrug and feel grateful that I don’t need to deal with that breakup when it comes around. You know?

I think what we can tell from this answer is I have zero clever zingers (but I like yours!) and also zero straight friends. I’m so sorry that I am not more helpful here, lol.

Q6:

So, I’m pretty sure, as sure as one can be, that I would like a less feminine name, and I’ve settled on a great one, it’s even a shortening of my government name so it doesn’t feel like too big of a leap for me, very in my comfort zone. You get it. The only problem? Just this year, as I was considering the name, my straight former boss / current not-too-close-but-close-enough friend gave birth to a baby and NAMED HIM THAT NAME. Now, there is this adorable baby who everyone knows about, who many of our mutual friends know, and I guess my question is, what do I do? Just give up and find a new name? Declare that I want everyone to call me the name of this new baby because when I write that out it sounds ludicrous? I know this is for the straight people problem advice box, but like, so, like, what will all these straight people think? Also part of me is like why did they name this baby a name that is so close to my name anyway? Am I overthinking this? Is it bad luck to steal a baby’s name? What should I do?

A:

Ro: The parent of this baby isn’t your current boss, so it’s not like you’ll be seeing this person and hearing them talk about their baby every single day. But considering that you’re still friends with this person and their pals, you’re definitely going to have to hear that baby name on occasion. That might be a little annoying, but you’re definitely not the only person to share a name with someone (or someone’s kid) in your social circle.

It’s totally fine for you to claim this name as your own! And if any straight people have shit to say about that, you can: 1. Acknowledge that this was a name you’d be thinking about long before your former boss’ baby was born, 2. Acknowledge that it’s a shortened form of the name you’ve already had your whole life, so it’s kind of an obvious choice, 3. Joke about it and/or 4. Ask them how many John’s they know.

Vanessa: Ro is right! It is definitely not bad luck to take on the name you have been excited about. You’re not asking everyone to call you the name of the new baby — you’re asking everyone to call you by your new name. I’m excited for you and I think everyone in your life who cares about you will be, too.

Q7:

I haven’t come out yet to my extended family, and I’m in my late 30s. I’m at a point where it’s actually embarrassing! For a few reasons (I am embarrassed to tell my in-real-life queer friends to get their advice, which is how I ended up in this inbox, for example of one reason) — but for “straight people problems,” how do I come out to my conservative, Christian family? Especially because I have been “out” in all aspects of my life for almost 15 years now? I don’t live with my family, we don’t spend a lot of time together, which is how it’s gone on this long! But it’s long enough!

Will they call me a liar for keeping it up this long? Should I not worry about it and live my truth? Since they aren’t a part of my close/intimate life, should I just stay in the closet forever (since I’ve gone this long) and wait to outlive them?

A:

Himani: Personally, I don’t think there’s a single right answer here. You can tell them or not, it’s up to you. And if your queer friends can’t understand why you have not yet come out to your conservative Christian extended family after all these years or why you might not ever, then (in my view at least) those are the people you really need to have the conversation with becuase you have active relationships with them and they should at least try to understand you, your life and your decisions. (Maybe not every single one of them, obviously, but the ones who you are closest to.)

In terms of “how” to come out to your conservative Christian family, if that is truly what you want to do, there are a number of different ways you can handle it, which really depend on what you’re comfortable with. If there are family members who you have something of a close relationship with (a person you check in with the most, or maybe even visit on occasion), you could have an honest, heartfelt conversation and let them know that you’re queer. I know personally, when I came out to my sisters and my friends of many, many years I shared your exact fear, “Will they call me a liar?” but in my experience no one did. Everyone gracefully appreciated that I trusted them with this part of myself.

If you don’t have anyone you’re particularly close with or if you don’t trust that they will be accepting of your sexuality, then I would encourage you to use your distance to your advantage. You can do something casual that undeniably demonstrates your sexuality without specifically “announcing” it. For instance, send them a holiday card with a picture of you and your partner (if you have one) or with a rainbow flag in the background. You can also be more explicit and announce your sexuality in the family group text or in an email with everyone on CC and then decide whether or not you want to reply to any of the responses you may get. If you have some family members who are aware of your sexuality and are accepting of it, let them know in advance what you’re planning to do and ask them for their support in concrete ways. (For instance, if someone replies to your announcement with a homophobic or transphobic response, ask your straight family member who knows and supports you to shut that shit down immediately so you don’t have to.)

But again, I really don’t think there’s a right answer here. For what it’s worth, I’m currently not planning to come out to any of my extended family because I truly don’t see the point. I also literally have zero relationship with them. This really is a personal decision, and there really is no right or wrong answer any which way you go with it.

Q8:

Hey autostraddle! Thank you for everything that you do for us!

I have a coworker who is nonbinary and just changed their name. We’re queer friends, in a work kinda way. But I’ve noticed that while most of my (straight cis) co-workers have gotten on the train with this new change right away, at least making an effort to get my friend’s new pronouns and names right, we have a few persistent ones who are making no effort at all! I don’t know what to do in this situation. Do I call my co-workers out about when it happens, in our public spaces? I’m afraid that calling direct attention to it will only hurt my friend, because they don’t like being the center of attention. And also it might make the workplace more hostile for them (and honestly, for all of us). I guess just, how can I be better queer “ally” to other LGBTQ people in straight cis spaces where we’re both the minority trying to survive? You know?

A:

Ro: This one has an easy solution: ask your coworker if and how they would like you to correct others on their name and pronouns and do whatever feels most comfortable for them. Some folks want their pals to correct their pronouns when they’re not around and others don’t.

Vanessa: Co-signing what Ro said! Also, to answer your larger question re: how to be a better queer “ally” to other LGBTQ people in straight cis spaces: my personal feeling is that we have to evaluate what level of safety/privilege we have in the workplace, and then we have to make sure we’re supporting folks who have less safety/privilege in the workplace. I can only speak for myself because I don’t know about your identity, but as a white cis femme woman, I have a lot of privilege when I’m out and about in professional spaces. I’m lucky to work at Autostraddle, but many of my teaching gigs are not explicitly queer spaces, and I definitely take my role as a white cis person who passes as straight to people who aren’t looking too closely very seriously when it comes to shutting down harmful language and behavior. I think continuing to educate ourselves (both about our own privileges and the experiences of those in our community who are more marginalized) and committing to use our own privileges to absorb or eradicate some of the harm enacted in a workplace (or any mostly straight cis space) is a good way to be a better queer “ally” to other LGBTQ people. I’d also genuinely love to hear what other people think in the comments, because this is a question I think about frequently, and I think it needs to be an ongoing conversation in our community.

Q9:

(CW: Medical Stuff)

I’m an AFAB nonbinary lesbian, and I have ovarian cysts that are hemorrhaging as we speak. I’m going to be in and out of the gyno for the next several months to get the cysts under control. When I initially went to the ER to with pelvic pain, I was consistently misgendered and presumed straight by every new doctor or nurse that I had to interact with. Honestly, I stopped correcting people after a while because I was exhausted, on morphine, and couldn’t give a damn in the moment. But it would better for my sense of self if I could consistently correct my medical team on my pronouns/honorific/sexuality. Any tips?

A:

Ro: I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with careless and/or uninformed medical professionals. I’ve had a LOT of medical appointments in the past year, so this is a situation I’ve been encountering frequently. And to be completely honest, most of the time I don’t even correct my name or pronouns because I’m afraid that outing myself will affect the medical care I receive. Also, it’s exhausting.

On days when I have the energy to correct my doctors and nurses, here’s what I do:
-I ask them to add my correct name and pronouns to my medical chart.
-If a medical professional uses the wrong name or pronoun, I quickly and politely correct them: “I actually don’t use that name — please call me Ro,” or I ask another medical professional I trust (like a nurse who asked for my correct name and pronouns earlier in the appointment) to speak to the other doctor/nurse about it.
-If a medical professional continues to use the wrong name or pronoun after I’ve corrected them, I say something like: “I would really appreciate it if you could treat me with respect and use the correct name/pronouns. Medical appointments can be really stressful and scary, and I would feel much more comfortable if you used my correct name/pronouns.”
-I ask a doctor I trust to advocate for me in advance of medical appointments. I used to have an incredible primary care physician who wrote a note to my specialists about my name and pronouns so I didn’t have to.

I hope these tips help!

Vanessa: I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Ro’s advice is, as always, excellent and on point. I have only one additional suggestion to add: if possible, see if you can bring a person you trust to help advocate for you. I’m not sure if that will be possible right now because of Covid, but I have accompanied friends to medical appointments often simply to act as a buffer between them and the medical professionals, and I have sometimes asked friends to do the same for me (though my specific issues were about fatphobia, not transphobia or homophobia). It can be very grounding to have someone who knows and loves you in the room with you no matter what happens, and it is also practically much easier for a person who is not experiencing the medical issue to take on the role of “handling” the medical staff, so to speak. As Ro said, I hope these tips help, and I wish you an easier time moving forward and healing.

Q10:

STRAIGHT PEOPLE PROBLEMS

Thanks for working so hard on the wonderful world that is autostraddle.

It really gets my goat when apparently monogamous straight married women start flirting with me and somehow don’t believe it’s cheating because I’m not a man. And a friend of a friend actually said to a group of lesbians: “I wondered if I needed to tell my (male) partner about the time ‘something’ happened with female friend of hers. I told him; he shrugged it off as inconsequential.”

A:

Himani: So, a few months ago, I watched a short Hindi-language show on the streaming site AltBalaji called “The Married Woman,” about a married woman who has an affair with another woman that her husband finds out about. At one point the husband essentially says to his wife (I’m paraphrasing because I don’t remember the specifics), “Well, of course it’s not an affair because she’s not a man. If you were seeing a man, I would have stopped you from doing this long ago.” And from the viewer’s perspective, it’s very clear how incredibly fucked up what he’s saying is. (Although the show is really messed up in a lot of other ways so who knows where the authorial intent in this situation lays — if that even matters — but the book that this show is based on has a very clear position on the character of the husband and queerness. Anyways, I digress.) When I watched this particular plotline unfold, I thought, “Well, I’m impressed that this indie Indian show actually called this mentality out, though this seems like the absolute floor of where the conversation needs to start. But that’s India, for you, in a nutshell.”

I bring all this up to say that I have to admit I am both horrified and appalled to learn that this mentality exists more broadly. I’m not sure what your question is or what kind of advice you’re looking for, so maybe you’re already doing this, but if a straight woman starts flirting with you and says “it’s not cheating” I absolutely think you can shut that shit down by saying something to the extent of, “This might be a joke to you, but it’s not to me. I really don’t want to talk to you any more.” And then walk away.

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