Welcome to the 45th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed. This month’s theme is STRAIGHT PEOPLE PROBLEMS! Please get your questions in by Monday, October 4, 2021! The general Into the A+ Advice Box (like this one!) where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month.

So, let’s dig in!

Q1:

I don’t really expect concrete help on this question since y’all are based in the States and I’m in Scandinavia but, it’s driving me crazy and I simply have to vent. Basically, the problem is that I would like to have a child, but I would like to co-parent this child with a couple of other QWoC. I don’t currently know anyone suitable, so I need to find them. But the Facebook groups for seeking co-parents are so white and I feel stuck. I just wonder how other QWoC in white places manage to find each other and make babies together. I know I should just try to organically meet some people and see where it leads but time is of the essence and it would be so great if I could know for sure in advance where someone’s at basically. Hence why I’ve been looking in FB groups. Anyone have any wisdom, commiserations etc?

A:

Himani: I am really sorry for your situation. You’re right that queer spaces are often so overwhelmingly white, and it’s really discouraging and frustrating. In my own experiences I’ve found that the only way to find QTPOC is by looking for QTPOC organizations and events, specifically. I am not a parent or planning to be one, but I can imagine that a specifically QTPOC parent group probably doesn’t exist, particularly in a place like Scandinavia. So I am really sorry for the challenges you’re experiencing. Unfortunately, I think it’s just continuing to do a lot of putting yourself out there in a variety of different spaces and hoping that something will pan out, like you’re already doing.

Kayla: I’m also really sorry for your situation! I agree with everything Himani says (and wish I could be more helpful with specifics), but I do think that sometimes the best approach for me when it comes to seeking out fellow QTPOC is to center that experience versus trying to carve out my own space within white spaces—if that makes sense. It’s basically what Himani said above about seeking out events/organizations that are specifically for and by QTPOC. I know this puts the onus on you to do the work/seek community, but I think sometimes that’s just how it goes!

Q2:

Tl;dr how do I text my friends back???

Context: I am a Bad Texter. Despite the fact that I love my friends a lot, I frequently find myself making up a million excuses to delay returning their messages. Sometimes it’s because committing to a plan stresses me out – I have low energy and although I want to see them, I’m… afraid of committing and then being too tired, I guess? Sometimes it’s because they sent a link, and I want to check it out, but then I don’t so I don’t reply, then I feel bad that I didn’t reply so I hide from replying, and so on. Sometimes I don’t know why I stall – I AM busy but it’s not like I don’t still goof off on my phone. It’s like nice texts from people I love become an unknowable, threatening landline voicemail box hanging over my head.

Somehow I still have friends despite this, but I do occasionally not respond in a genuinely frustrating way, and they get justifiably annoyed – and more generally, this is not something I like about myself, but I don’t know how to change it. Do I have to institute a TEXT YOUR FRIENDS hour every day? Unpack something in therapy? Pavlovian response train myself? I know it’s like, just text them back!! but somehow telling myself that never works!

Has anybody dealt with this / do you have any advice on how I can suck less?

A:

Vanessa: Hi! You don’t suck! No need to frame this as how you can suck less because I’m here to say, this is a habit you have that does not make you suck. I have both been the friend who has a very hard time texting back and the friend who would love her friend to text back and knows there is probably some sort of legit excuse why a return text can’t happen and still feels pretty bummed about that, so I feel like I can speak to this issue from both sides.

As to why you’re not texting back… I don’t think it would hurt to discuss in therapy but I think you also have a pretty good understanding of yourself, and sometimes the deal with being avoidant is simply that you’re avoidant. You can unpack that, but it doesn’t really change the material situation right now. I have two strategies, one that I find helpful for myself and one that I find helpful with some pals.

1. Yes, set aside a set amount of time a day to deal with texts. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t actually go through with it, but make a little habit/routine for “time of day when texting happens.” If you need to get out your planner at that time to see if you actually want to commit to plans, do it. If you need to bribe yourself with a yummy popsicle or something else exciting while you respond, that’s fine. I do this and I try to remind myself that my friends love me and even when I have nothing to say or am sort of frozen in motion re: any of their questions / wants / needs, I still owe it to our friendship to like, be somewhat communicative. Some days — especially since my dad died — I literally just text “I can’t really talk today” or “I don’t know when I’ll be able to hang out again, if ever” but I feel good about those kinds of responses because I am articulating where I’m at / what I am able to give and then my friends can move forward accordingly.

2. I have some friends that have a hard time texting back, especially when they are not doing well mentally or emotionally, and we’ve agreed that even if they can’t formulate a response they will send me an emoji to let me know they’re still “there.” That has greatly reduced my anxiety around not hearing from them / assuming something is extremely wrong, and lets them off the hook for actually responding with words when that’s just not possible.

I hope these two suggestions are helpful and again, I would urge you not to be too hard on yourself about this. I agree that you do need to find a way to baseline communicate with your friends in the long run, but I also think texting is hard for many of us and it doesn’t make you a bad friend or a bad person. It’s okay.

Carolyn: I agree with Vanessa and want to add two additional strategies that have helped me:

3. I have a few reminders that go off to remind me to “reach out to [name of friend]” every few days to weeks (depending on the person) for friendships that I want to prioritize, where I know my friend is having a hard time now and I want to stay connected even when I don’t have a lot of bandwidth, or where for a while I found that they were reaching out more than I was. Sometimes I interpret reaching out as a hi friend thinking of you how’s it going text, and sometimes it is just an emoji story reply, and sometimes I snooze the alarm because it’s 8:45 pm and I’m already falling asleep, but it’s a way I make sure that there’s some balance in who is making bids for connection.

4. Consider that some of your friendships might not feel great to you and need adjustment. This is a hard one. But sometimes, avoidance can mean that something is off in the relationship. I have personally found that when I’m having a hard time responding to certain friends, it’s more about my need to assert different boundaries for the relationship or share something that’s bothering me than it is about anything else. Sometimes this can be “hey I know you’re having a hard time with your breakup but I don’t have the bandwidth to process it with you for more than 30 minutes today,” sometimes it is “it makes me feel bad that every interaction you initiate is an ask,” whatever. When this is the case, I check in with myself and with how much I value the friendship and decide whether or what to communicate from there.

Himani: In addition to the great suggestions above, I just want to add — maybe look into other modes of connecting with your friends? I used to be an avid texter and most of my friends weren’t, so I was kind of on the receiving end of the situation you’re describing. But I recognized that my friends had other modes of communication and so I started shifting how I communicated with people, like reaching out to schedule time to have a phone call or meet in person (when possible). I’ve found with the pandemic that I now have become terrible at responding to text messages myself and so I’ve had to implement some of the strategies suggested by Vanessa and Carolyn to set aside time and set up reminders to respond to people. But knowing that I really don’t want to have conversations or keep in touch over text any more, I now really use text as a means to scheduling other ways of staying in touch with my friends that feel more fulfilling and that I’m more responsive to.

Kayla: Everyone’s suggestions above are so great! I just want to echo the fact that you do not at all suck, and I think it’s great that you’re aware of your habit and want to change! Also just know that changing a habit doesn’t really happen overnight and if you do have to use specific interventions like setting reminders/designating specific times to reach out to friends, that’s totally okay! I am an avid texter in a relationship with someone who struggles to text folks back, but I’ve come to realize there are pros and cons to both sides. My girlfriend is a lot better at being present with people during in-person interactions than I am, because I tend to be on my phone too often. So playing off of what Himani outlines above—do you just have different ways of connecting with people and different strengths when it comes to friendships? Maybe shift your focus to that a bit instead of seeing what you’re doing as a failure. If texting simply isn’t your thing, that’s alright! Maybe establish some expectations with your friends and let them know that this is something you struggle with. It sounds like a bit of a pattern has formed where you maybe don’t respond to your friends, they get annoyed, you become hard on yourself, and then the cycle repeats. If you’re upfront with your friends about texting back being difficult for you, it might help them understand you’re not personally slighting them or ignoring them, which could help break that cycle. If you’re better at in-person connection, then focus on ways you can nourish that instead of focusing all your energy on showing up in this one specific way that you struggle with.

Q3:

How do you have a conversation with a loved one to convince them to get therapy and possible treatment?

I know the answer is “communication” but I’ve already tried that repeatedly. Background is as follows: my wife has struggled with depression since she was a teen, if not before, and more recently PTSD. Unfortunately she’s been in a downturn for a long time (read: years) and I worry that without help she won’t be able to get out of it. I’ve asked her repeatedly to start talk therapy again (she takes SSRIs so isn’t completely untreated) at minimum and even tried to help find a therapist to no avail.

I’m not under the delusion I can “fix” her, or that she fundamentally needs fixing! But I do worry that this will continue to harm her ability to connect with herself, our children, and how she connects to the world. I’ve tried waiting it out, tried managing things and being supportive, tried asking her to start therapy again, but I don’t want to be insensitive or contribute to the mental negative loop.

So although I know the answer is likely going to be “communicate and be patient,” I guess I really want to not feel alone in this and hear other people’s experiences, because I’m really struggling too.

A:

Vanessa: I’m really sorry that it sounds like both you and your wife are having a hard time right now, and I’m sorry you feel so alone. I can say with certainty that you are not alone, but I know that doesn’t really help. It is a fact that many, many, many of us are struggling right now, and this fact can be proven both by how hard it is to get in to see a therapist right now and also just anecdotally any time I talk to anyone I know. Again, I know it’s hard not to just feel really fucking alone in situations like the one you are describing, but I hope you can find a tiny bit of solace in knowing objectively you are not.

That said — I actually don’t think my advice is “communicate” because it sounds like you’ve done that already. You say you’ve asked repeatedly for her to go to therapy. It sounds like this has not worked. I’m not sure what else you could do besides offer an ultimatum, and I am hesitant to suggest that because even if a major threat did finally encourage your wife to go to therapy, it’s not really that useful for a person to go to therapy on behalf of someone else’s wishes/desires, you know?

I think the hard truth here is that there is almost nothing you can do besides wait for your wife to decide to go to therapy on her own (and continue expressing that it is really important to you that she go to therapy, but it does sound like you’ve made that point quite a bit already). I’m glad to hear you don’t want to “fix” your wife but I think it would also be useful to consider that your worries might be correct, and also it’s possible that even if the things you’re worried about come true, no one but your wife can decide if she wants to go to therapy or not. This is a hard truth to live with. I am curious if you yourself are in therapy, both because I think it can be easier to encourage someone else to do a thing that you yourself are also committed to doing, and because as you said, it sounds like you are really struggling too and I think it could be beneficial to talk to a professional about your feelings and your options. I’m wishing both you and your wife more peace in the coming months.

Ro: Vanessa is spot on — you can’t make your wife go to therapy, and she likely won’t get anything out of therapy until she’s fully committed to the process. While there’s no true substitute for professional help, therapy isn’t the only tool for managing mental illness symptoms. Is your wife taking any steps towards improving her mental health in other ways? For example, is she devoting time to activities that bring her joy? Is she spending time outside? Is she journaling? Is she trying to improve the quality of her sleep? Support her in those practices.

Here’s another, perhaps more important question to consider: Is your wife establishing a wide support network that isn’t just you? Since she doesn’t currently have a therapist helping her manage her mental illness, having a support system made up of multiple people is critical for your wife’s mental health and for yours. I know firsthand how exhausting it can be when you’re a partner’s only means of support, so if that’s the case in your relationship, acknowledge that and ask your wife to invite some other loved ones into her support network.

Carolyn: An even harder important question to consider is, if this situation continues exactly as it is, where does your ability to show up for the relationship begin and end? There are plenty of completely valid barriers to care that make it challenging for someone to address their PTSD, but in this case it sounds like the barrier is internal, not external. And I get it. Taking steps to address mental health stuff is extremely daunting. Especially when you’re a little of the ways there – like being on SSRIs – it can feel like what do you mean I also need talk therapy? What do you mean I should try out EMDR? There is plenty of room to be compassionate to those challenges. But there is also room to consider what your own boundaries are around your ability to show up for and connect with someone who is not rising to those challenges.

Himani: Everyone has given really valuable advice, above and I think Carolyn is really spot on in encouraging you to consider the effect of this situation on your relationship more broadly. Based solely on what you’ve written in your letter, it sounds like you’re really thinking about the mental health needs of your partner, but I want to encourage you to tend to your own, in case you aren’t. Witnessing someone struggle with their own traumas and depression can be a lot, and so, if you aren’t already, you might consider processing some of this with a therapist on your own. You might also consider asking your partner to join you for relationship/family counseling, if she’s unwilling to go to individual talk therapy, as this situation is affecting not only your relationship but also your family.

Kayla: Everyone has said a lot of useful stuff already, and I know you rather adamantly do not want the answer here to just be “communication,” but I do wonder if you’ve asked your wife what her hesitations about talk therapy are. Everyone is correct in saying you can’t really make anyone go to therapy. That doesn’t mean that suggesting therapy is a bad thing though! You’re doing your best to help in a very difficult situation. But if you haven’t yet, it could be useful and illuminating to find out if your wife has specific hangups or concerns about talk therapy. I’m not saying that’s going to ultimately yield the results you want, but it could get you both to think about this choice from different sides. Why did she stop talk therapy last time? How does she view her current mental health, and what does she see as her top needs? Again, I know you say you’ve communicated a lot already. I just wonder if there’s a way to ask your wife questions that gives her agency and that might get her to more seriously consider her needs right now. But also, I do want to echo what others have said about making sure you are also prioritizing your own mental health right now. Are family therapy or couples therapy options? It won’t address everything, but it could be a way to explore how this is affecting your relationship and family.

Q4:

I’m into the idea of (consensually!) exchanging nudes with random cuties on instagram, but I am kind of anxious about how to communicate about nudes. More specifically: what’s a way to say that you’re not, in a particular moment, in the mood to receive nudes? I’m not always in a horny/nude-y mood, and would want to communicate that, but am not sure how to do that without it turning into a whole big conversation (honestly, I’m just looking to swap nudes and not talk about my feelings) or coming off as general rejection of the person.

A:

Vanessa: I think you should say a version of exactly that! Once you’ve started bantering enough with someone that exchanging nudes is on the table I’d say something like, “Would you be down to send nudes sometimes? Just FYI I’m not always available to send/receive them, so I’d love to do a quick check in every time before we send!” And then if the person is enthusiastic about sending nudes you can model the behavior you want to see yourself, like “Hey hottie, I’d love to send you a really fucking perfect photo of my tits, are you available to receive it or would you prefer I hold onto it for later?” Absolutely no need to make it a whole big conversation (I feel you on wanting to swap nudes not feelings, lol) and no need to make it feel like a rejection of the person as long as you communicate your capacity clearly each time and make it a point to be VERY appreciative and enthusiastic when you do exchange nudes. Happy sexting!

Ro: I love Vanessa’s advice! I also want to acknowledge that by setting this boundary with potential nude-swappers, you’re opening the door for them to set their own boundaries, too — and that’s hot! Plenty of people feel the same way you do and aren’t always in the mood for sexy photos. Others would rather not receive nudes when they’re at work or when they’re out to brunch with their grandma. So checking in about when it’s ok to send nudes can be great for everyone!

Carolyn: Yes exactly. If you’re on the receiving end of such a query, some ways to say “I love that you want to send me a nude but now is not when I want to recieve it” you can say: “I would fucking love to see your perfect tits, can you hold onto them until [approx time] so I can give them my full attention?” “holy shit yes but I’m [small detail about your day that is the reason, if you have shared details about your days or if doing so is part of the vibe], can I hit you up after?” or similar.

Kayla: Yeah, I say keep it super simple! You don’t have to divulge too many details or reasons for why now might not be a good time. Boundaries can be super casual, especially in situations like this. No one is going to be offended or demand a concrete reason! I think it’s easy to get in one’s head about this stuff, but I promise you can be as chill as you want about it, and it’s going to make the other person feel chill, too.

Q5:

I don’t know how to do romance. I feel like I used to, in my early 20s, but then I took four years to be single and focus on non-romantic relationships. I worked really hard to develop deep friendships and show up for those people, and what’s come of that is a wonderful support system of close, platonic friendships. I’m 27 and I feel ready to date and fall in love again, and I don’t know how to do romantic relationships. I don’t know how to let someone who is physically and romantically close to me, emotionally close to me. I dated someone for six months this last year – we broke up in May, agreeing to still be friends – and almost as soon as we broke up, I felt like something in my heart unlocked, and I was able to let myself be more vulnerable and emotionally available with her than I was when we were dating.

For the sake of full disclosure, in my late teens/early 20s I was in a relationship that was emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive. I’m still working through that trauma with the help of a therapist, but we’ve focused far more on me and my internal life than how that affects some theoretical partner I don’t have.

A:

Carolyn: First of all, it’s extremely good that your work in therapy is about yourself and not about some theoretical partner you don’t have (or even one you do). You can only take care of your side of the street, you can’t take care of someone else’s for them, so individual therapy should be about your work and not someone else’s. Plus, let’s say it were possible and you did spend a bunch of time working with an imaginary partner – or even a real one – and then a real-life interaction changed, or your partnership changed, or whatever. You would be losing your work. Instead, by focusing on yourself and your own work, you’re creating the basis from which you can then connect with others.

When it comes to knowing “how to do romantic relationships” and let people emotionally close to you, that’s something I’ve also struggled with for similar reasons and the main thing that has worked for me (along with the therapy) has been time and the opportunity to practice, neither of which it is particularly possible to engineer. You can’t go up to random strangers across a room and say “I think you’re handsome and while I’m emotionally more closed off at this time in a number of months so few as to seem inappropriate we are gonna be more in love than either of us ever thought possible” and then just do it. Or I mean you can but the chances are small. Instead of thinking ahead, what is it like to stay in the present? If you have a first date with someone, how can you be open in a way that feels appropriate to you for a first date? Then, what about a second? You don’t need to know how to do a whole intimate relationship in advance, and even if you did you wouldn’t know how to do one with the person or people in front of you when the time comes anyway. You can just be where you’re at.

Q6:

hi! this is maybe a petty question/concern, but what is the etiquette when you make plans with a friend and then they invite someone else along? personally, i think at a minimum they should ask before inviting someone else and also generally if i make plans with my friends i want to spend time with them, not *their* friends or people i don’t know. i’m also pretty introverted and it takes a lot out of me to meet new people. but it keeps happening to me that i’ll make plans with a friend and then all of a sudden their friends are coming along without me even being asked! is this rude? is there a way i can bring this up without being rude?

A:

Vanessa: I personally would find your friends’ behavior kind of rude, but I can see how some people think every single hang out is a group hang. Frankly, in the time of a GLOBAL PANDEMIC I think that’s a wild assumption, but hey, everyone is coping differently. I think you can definitely bring this up without being rude — it’s not rude at all to communicate openly and clearly with your friends about how you’d like to spend time with them. I wouldn’t bother focusing on if THEY are being rude or not — you’ll just get in the weeds about “etiquette” around hanging out, which is, to be fair, somewhat subjective, and the point is you just want nice one on one time with your pals so having an argument about what is rude vs. polite will just get in the way. Next time you make plans to see a specific friend I’d say, kindly and firmly, “I’d love to [do X activity with you] and I wanted to make a point and ask if we can hang out just the two of us? I want to spend quality time together and it’s overwhelming to me when other people are there. Thank you so much for understanding!” Say this to as many friends as it is relevant to, and say it before every time you hang out unless you eventually feel your friends have gotten the hint and it’s no longer relevant. If you say this and they STILL bring other friends along, that is actually very rude and I’d reconsider how friendly you want to be with people who don’t care about your boundaries and your extremely reasonable requests in the context of your relationships. But I hope that’s not the case and you have lots of lovely one on one hangs with all your friends moving forward!

Carolyn: I too hate this! Frankly I also hate it when it happens among romantic partners, i.e., I ask to hang out with one and the whole ‘cule comes along. I agree with Vanessa’s explicit request for a one-on-one and also any reevaluation of who you want to spend time with if your friends don’t respect that boundary.

Kayla: Vanessa is thorough and spot-on as always! I really do think it’s okay to say something like “hey, I’d really like to have some quality one-on-one time with you” to a friend. I’ve done this with friends before, and it did not feel awkward or result in any tension! In fact, it should make your friends feel good that you want to spend meaningful, focused time with them, which is harder to do in a big group hang, especially if you don’t know the other people. Any friend who balks at this reasonable, straightforward request is maybe someone you should reconsider your relationship with tbh.

Q7:

My gf and I live together and have moved states several times within the last few years because of her job. Her field is competitive, specialized, and she is not a citizen (here on a visa), so she is really at the mercy of her employer (not her fault). We’re at a stage where long-term job offers keep not working out (can’t sponsor her visa, etc) and I know she’s discouraged and frustrated. Frankly, I am too. Any advice on how to stay positive and supportive when I, too, am exhausted at the idea of moving around the country all over again? I know it’s not her fault, but being uprooted again and again feels really, really hard.

A:

Himani: You might already be doing this, so I apologize in advance if this suggestion isn’t particularly helpful. Whenever I see someone asking about “how do I stay positive and supportive of x person in my life when they are going through a difficult thing?” I always wonder, “does the person writing in have a space separate from this relationship to be able to express and process their feelings?” I am really sorry that the immigration system is so universally shitty and that you and your partner are experiencing so much instability because of it. You’re allowed to feel frustrated and exhausted by it because it is both, frankly, and I think it’s important you have relationships (friends, family, etc.) outside of your girlfriend to be able to give voice to and work through those feelings. Otherwise, I find, it just builds up inside of us and then we end up taking it out on the people we love. Similarly, while this situation is not your girlfriend’s fault, I hope that within your relationship there is space to recognize and acknowledge the difficulty this situation places on you; the tone and vein of that conversation might be different with your girlfriend than it is with your other friends, but I think it’s important to have that communication as well.

Kayla: I tooooootally agree with everything Himani says! This is the kind of stuff that can easily build up over time and then turn into resentment. You know it’s not your girlfriend’s fault that your lives are unpredictable and in constant motion. But if you don’t have enough space to process your feelings about it and come up with your own coping mechanisms to make it more manageable, you could one day end up taking this out on her, which wouldn’t be fair to her OR you. I think you have to find the right balance between being able to talk about it openly at least a little bit with your girlfriend but also having separate outlets to discuss and process how this affects you. I don’t think it does any good to NEVER talk about it with your gf, but she can’t be your only outlet, because then it might start to feel like you’re blaming her for something outside of her control. There should be a little room for you to commiserate together about the situation, but she can’t carry the full weight of your feelings, especially since she’s dealing with the same exact frustrations. I know this is difficult to make happen organically, but I wonder if there’s a way for you to connect with people in similar circumstances, because you’re definitely not alone!

Q8:

Hello! I saw the call for strap-on essays, so I thought I’d submit a strap-on question. I would love any recommendations for exercises/workouts to help make strap-on topping easier OR for different types of positions to play to different physical strengths. I don’t care about being rail thin; I just care about railing. Godspeed and thank you for all your work.

A:

Vanessa: Godspeed to you, my friend — would absolutely love to get a shirt that says I DON’T CARE ABOUT BEING RAIL THIN; I JUST CARE ABOUT RAILING. Anyway I do not have any workout tips but I do have three tips for fucking with a strap-on if you are worried about stamina/physical strength. 1: Maneuver the situation so you are leaning against a wall or a sturdy surface. If you’re in bed and on literal top, use your hands to brace your body against the wall or the headboard — you can use this position to leverage your body and also relax your core a little bit more than if you’re just trying to hold yourself up freestyle. 2: Have the person you’re fucking sit on a surface that is tall enough/short enough that you can fuck them while you’re standing up. In this case you can also usually rest your body/thighs/hands against that surface a bit, and if the height is right you won’t have to stress about holding up the person or holding up yourself. 3. Let the person you’re fucking get on top and ride you! There’s a lot you can do with your hands while someone is bouncing up and down on your strap and you can definitely still top even if the person you’re railing is technically moving themselves around, you know what I mean?

Ro: Vanessa’s advice on different positions is spot on! I have two things to add:

1. Put a chest harness or a pelvic harness (or both!) on the person who’s getting fucked. If you go with a pelvic harness, make sure it’s the strappy kind that will still give you access to your partner’s holes (leather and vegan leather harnesses work best for this technique). Now you have straps to hold onto! You can use your partner’s harness(es) to hold yourself up or to pull your partner towards you while you rail them. You can even use your partner’s harness(es) like suitcase handles so you can more easily toss them around if that’s something you’re both into.

2. I’m absolutely not a personal trainer or fitness expert, but when it comes to actual exercises, I recommend focusing on your core. When you can rely on your core strength during a railing session, you’ll more easily maintain stamina and you’ll be less likely to hurt your back.

Q9:

Hi, this is a somewhat less existential q than what the other gorgeous folx on here may have, so feel free to ignore. I have recently restarted dating fully vaxxed and ready and it’s going well so far! However it has suddenly for some reason made me conscious of the issue of smell and particularly perfume, sth I had never given any thought to because I shower and I use deodorant so I assume I smell okay? Like, no complaints so far? But now, how can I go beyond that and make a cutie go “Mhh you smell NICE”? I mostly identify as soft butch but even if I didn’t I wouldn’t want to smell like a flower garden, nor like your dad’s aftershave. Can some people maybe just drop what they use? Assume I don’t know shit and also that I probably won’t spend hundreds of dollars. It’s either this or I’ll have to ask my ex-boyfriend, because whatever he used sure delayed my coming-out by about 5 years… Cheers!

A:

Vanessa: I love this question so much! Here are some scents some butch people I’ve dated have used that I really like: Burberry Classic Eau De Toilette for Men, Spicebomb, Good Chemistry Rustic Woods, Dr. Squatch Crushed Pine Cologne. In general I love outdoorsy smells so I’d pick your favorite tree and just do a google search and see what comes up. Also just a quick note to remember — some people are really scent sensitive and can’t be around anyone wearing scents, so just be aware of that when putting on a perfume or cologne before a date. Everyone I’ve known who has scent-sensitivity has been open and direct about it so I’m probably being overly cautious here, but it feels incomplete to offer scent suggestions for queer dating purposes without at least making mention of this. Okay, that’s all, happy dating!

Ro: I love this question because I LOVE good smells. I also love Vanessa’s reminder to be aware that some folks are sensitive to fragrances. Also some spaces are dedicated fragrance-free zones (I think this is becoming more common in some queer spaces, which is excellent!), so if you’re going to an event with your date, check out the guidelines before you douse yourself in cologne. I also think it would be totally fine/ not awkward to ask your date if they’re sensitive to fragrances (or just generally if there’s anything you should know about them and their needs) before meeting up.

I’m a masc person who loves androgynous, woods-y fragrances. Sadly, my favorite fragrance (Hidden Folk — RIP) no longer exists, so I’ve been on the hunt for a new signature scent. I don’t like to spend tons of money on a fragrance unless it’s something I’ve tried before and really love, so lately I’ve been leaning towards less expensive options. I recently found some fragrances by a company called Ranger Station at a tiny shop near me. They have scents like leather & pine, birch bark, oakmoss, etc., and their roll-on fragrances were only $24 at my local shop (it looks like they’re $34 online). I ended up buying their roll-on fragrance called “Santalum,” which smells like a lovely combination of sandalwood, cedar, resin, clove and leather. Check them out! Also if you meet a friend or a stranger who smells incredible, ask them what they’re wearing! In my experience, most folks consider that a huge compliment.

Kayla: If you want to try out some things before you commit, pretty much all fragrance companies from the flashy Instagrammy startups to major brands like Calvin Klein offer sample sizes! Here’s a sample set that mixes woodsy/earthy scents with some citrus brightness. It can be a fun and cost effective way to figure out some of your favorite specific fragrance notes. I’m a big fan of vetiver-scented fragrances on others.

Q10:

Hi team, (CW for body image discussion)

So I’m a masc-of-centre relatively thin, athletic cis woman. I’ve gained a lot of weight since the pandemic started, and since I was pretty small to begin with, it’s very noticeable, and it’s all in areas where most cis women naturally gain weight (butt, hips, thighs, boobs, upper arms). It’s been making me feel a lot of gender-feelings that are hard for me to name, but are also not entirely new. It’s partly that none of my more masculine clothes fit me the way I want them too, like my button ups can’t fit over my hips and boobs and suit pants either gape over my butt or fit my butt but then are way too baggy through the leg. But it’s also that my body feels less androgynous that I’m used, that I’m more easily perceived as female both to other people and also to myself.

The problem, as you may have already noticed, is I can’t figure out if these are actually gender-feels, or if it’s just garden variety fatphobia, or a combo of the two. And so I probably want to wait and see if these feeling go away once the pandemic is over and I can go back to my regular athletic pursuits and most likely lose some of the weight I’ve gained before I do anything about it like top surgery or starting a lose dose of HRT (both of which I’ve been thinking about, and also discussed with a friend who has recently done both).

Do any of ya’ll have suggestions (other than talking to a therapist, I have an appointment booked for next week) for trying to decipher or distinguish these feelings?

Thanks!

A:

Himani: I’m glad you have set up a time to work through this with a therapist! Someone asked a very similar question in a recent A+ advicebox (Q14) and while I didn’t have particularly concrete advice to give that person, a few readers wrote in with their own experiences in the comments. If you haven’t seen that already, I think that discussion could be useful.

One concrete thing I do want to suggest to you is to buy new clothes that you feel comfortable in. I’m guilty of doing something similar — gaining weight and then feeling bad about myself for not fitting into the clothes I used to love — and at least for myself, I find that I end up just implicitly body shaming myself because of it. I think it’s pretty common for many people (again, myself included) to hold onto ideas around “oh, if I just lose x pounds I can fit into this outfit again, so I’ll just hold onto it,” but I think it’s much healthier to just buy a new outfit that fits your body as it exists today.

I don’t say any of this to deny the reality of your feelings and experiences around gender, and I understand what you’re saying about the interactions between body size and gender (or, I think I’ll say, the way society perceives gender). I think exploring different types of gender presentations in different body sizes is a really important thing for all of us to do. There was also this really great essay on this topic that Nicole linked in their response to the previous question, and I’ll re-link here: When Thin Is a Trans Requirement.

Q11:

Do y’all know about any clothing subscription boxes for tomboy/androgynous/soft butch/butch folks? It looks like they are only really available for femmes or country club/gym bros. Also interested in newer butch/masc clothing companies that do more than just basic t shirts, but also not suuuper expensive button ups/formal wear if you happen to know of any! Thx

A:

Nicole: So! I asked about this in Slack and Riese said she knew of a couple that had gone out of business…which :( A quick google search reveals that there is VEEA Box which has yet to launch due to the pandemic. I found this thread on Reddit and it confirms something I was thinking, which is that any subscription box that has a ‘personal stylist’ option, one where you are speaking to an actual human, might be your best bet. HOWMEVER that likely means it’s more expensive and also who knows if you get a straight person as a stylist if they will get you. I don’t do subscription boxes so can’t speak to experience, but there may have to be some trial and error here if you are determined to go down this path. A person in that Reddit thread recommended StitchFix or Nordstrom’s Trunk Club because both offer human stylist options. It is kind of sad, though, because what I would really love to be able to recommend to you is an awesome queer-owned subscription box! You are definitely not the first A+ Member to send in questions about subscription boxes, and every time, we just come up blank. So, here is a free business idea to any A+ member who wants to take it — we are clearly in sore need of queer clothing subscriptions — just be sure to let us know when you launch your box ;)

Q12:

Hello! I’m looking for advice on how to talk to a friend about some casual biphobia I’ve been experiencing from her. This friend, who identifies as a lesbian, was one of the most supportive people in my life when I realized I was bisexual (about four years ago). I’m currently a few months into my first serious relationship with a woman, and my friend has been really happy for me, but she has also made a lot of comments like “you must be so much happier now that you don’t have to date men anymore” and “you’ve finally come over from the dark side.” She actually referred to me as a lesbian recently, and when I corrected her she said, “you know what I mean.” I know this comes from her enthusiasm about queerness, but sometimes it feels like she’s implying she thinks I’m not bisexual now that I’m in a committed relationship with a woman. Any advice on how to broach this with her sensitively? She’s a huge part of my queer support system, and I’m afraid to offend her, especially because I frequently feel very new to queerness in comparison to her.

A:

Himani: I think you need to have a really honest conversation with your friend because the way she’s treating you and the things she’s saying are not ok. At all. Personally, I tend towards a certain amount of misandry myself, but it’s one thing to look at that from a structural perspective (i.e. in terms of patriarchy writ large) and quite another to say to someone, “you must be so much happier now that you don’t have to date men any more.” On a purely personal level, people of all genders can be really shitty partners and friends. I understand that she is an important friend to you, but for that reason I think it’s all the more important to tell her honestly how her comments make you feel: that she’s denying your experience and dismissing your identity.

Your friend seems to be under the impression that being bi isn’t real. To that end, I think she should actually read about the lived experiences of bisexual people, and Autostraddle has a lot of resources for that. Though this doesn’t come up in your letter, I think a part of biphobia stems not only from an unwillingness to acknowledge / misunderstanding of the lived experiences of bisexual people, but also from an ignorance around how poorly and violently society treats bisexual people in particular and how biphobia within the queer community tacitly endorses that. So among the many essays linked on the page above, I I think your friend should particularly read this one on how sexual violence disproportionately affects bisexual people.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!