Welcome to the 44th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed. The theme of this advice box is WORK DRAMA! October’s theme will be STRAIGHT PEOPLE PROBLEMS. Have trouble with a particular heterosexual, a recurring issue with straight people in general, something else that fits this? Get your questions in by Monday, October 11, 2021! The general Into the A+ Advice Box where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month and you are always welcome to submit advice questions on any subject!

Q1:

Hey team, I have some work drama for you. During the pandemic, my work had a complete overhaul of leadership (due to failures of past leadership). Things have been messy for a while at our org and when I was more optimistic about the opportunity for improvement, I got involved in some committees where I have close contact with the new leaders. In these meetings, it has become clear that they are incompetent, offensive, and generally do not care about staff well-being (they are mostly corporate types who think they can use their business skillz in our little nonprofit). The biggest offender is, of course, the HR person. Worst of all, my coworkers seem to like these new people? Or at least suck up to them in meetings. Many people are also quitting, so that may speak to their true feelings. I am also planning to leave, but have to get some things in order before I can swing it financially. So I’m temporarily stuck in a toxic work environment, and I have literal PTSD from an even worse, but similar, situation I was in previously. How do I make it through this? I’m worried about quitting these committees or rocking the boat because I don’t want to get on anyone’s bad side, knowing it could be months before I’m out. On the other hand, I care about our org mission and I’m really sad/mad about what’s happening. I don’t have any work friends, and my direct supervisor is kind but very passive. Should I just keep my head down and work on getting out? Or should I try to advocate for change? Or is there a third option I haven’t considered? All ideas appreciated!

A:

Kayla: This is a really tricky situation, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with it! I think you have to ultimately be the one to decide whether you want to stay and try to change things or whether you want to get out. Here are some questions to consider:

I know you care about the org’s mission, but it can be really, really hard to change an organization from within. Is that something you’re willing to take on? Are you even able to effectively carry out the org’s mission in your current work environment? You say you don’t have work friends, so would you be doing this work toward change alone? That makes it exceptionally harder. Do you feel comfortable feeling out whether you have potential allies in this push for change? Has the new leadership budged on ANYTHING so far or have they just been consistently awful?

Again, I really think this is going to come down to a super personal decision on your part. I just do think it’ll be really hard to advocate for change completely on your own, and you have to consider your mental health and long-term outcomes. I know it can’t happen right away, but if you knew you were working toward leaving this org, would it be easier to set firm boundaries in the workplace? Would it make you feel like you have more momentum instead of feeling stuck? When you think about any of the plus sides of the job like caring about the org’s mission, can you come up with any ways to still tap into those interests and skills outside of this particular workplace? If you were to leave, are there ways you could still advocate for change on your way out? Since you’re dealing with PTSD from a past experience, what do you think would trigger those feelings more? Keeping your head down or pushing back? I know all of these questions are complicated and my advice is a little abstract, but I really do think you’re the only one who can accurately weigh the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving.

Himani: As Kayla says, it really is a personal decision about whether you stay and try to advocate for change or leave. But the thing about this decision, as with any decision, is that it’s not permanent. So you can try advocating for small changes while continuing to send your resume out and applying to jobs. This approach might allow you to see the kind of response you get to modest efforts before pushing on bigger issues, while also having an exit plan in the works, if necessary. That said, the situation you’re describing does lead me to suspect that these new business-minded leaders are most likely not going to be amenable to your thoughts on what needs to change in your organization.

I hear you when you say that you believe in an organization’s mission. Unfortunately, in my own experience and the experiences of countless friends, what matters the most is the people who are leading. The mission could be something you really deeply believe, but if the leaders aren’t actually committed to that mission or aren’t committed to it in the ways you are or think they should be — then it almost doesn’t matter what the mission is. People say of individuals, “actions speak louder than words” but this is incredibly true of organizations as well. Organizations can have incredibly worded missions that, under poor and selfish leadership, never actually get executed. Or, they might get partially executed on the backs of a couple of people who give it their all and are terribly exploited in order to make things come together, but in this case, the organization still isn’t acting towards its stated mission (in my view, at least). I say all this to say that if the mission alone is what’s keeping you in the job, it really might be time to reconsider your next moves.

Q2:

Ok, so I work at a library, and basically they’re ‘restructuring’ aka there aren’t enough jobs for tasks anymore. The point is one job being eliminated is a supervisory role, and the supervisor duties are being divided up between two people who are at that same grade level, but didn’t directly supervise before. The problem is that one of them is homophobic. When I heard her say something (she’s Russian, and it was about how gay conversion camps are good and helpful) I was very new both to the library and the field, and I pass as straight, so I wasn’t targeted directly and felt too scared to say anything (though the other coworker who was there spoke up, shout-out to allies)! None of us reported it anywhere, as it’s the only time and I think communally written down to her Russian-ness and age. However, this new role division, if it goes ahead, would have her supervising a trainee and/or new low grade hires, which are the most likely not to be cishet men, and that direct communication makes me more worried about these attitudes. Since the comment was so long ago (pre-pandemic) I’m not sure what to do. But I feel I should do something? Advice much needed

A:

Kayla: Ugh, I’m sorry, this is another very unfortunate work situation! I do want to encourage you to report the comment through the appropriate channels, even though time has passed. Unfortunately, I do think you’ll have to keep in mind that this likely won’t bar this person from the supervisory duties—it could very well change nothing in the immediate. (I’m not a librarian, but I live with/date one so I know a bit about the bureaucracy of library work!) But what it WILL do is create a record so that if future incidents happen, there’s an existing paper trail/documentation. It’s hard to really make anything happen without a record. And the fact that this coworker said this once makes it likely it could happen again. If there’s an existing record of the first occurrence when it happens again, it could be a bit easier to push for action/change.

Himani: I’m really sorry about this situation and about what happened with this colleague. While Kayla is right that having a written record of what has been said in the past is important for any potential future HR actions, I also want to make sure that you know your rights and are protected so that you don’t face negative repercussions or retaliation for coming forward. Before you report anything, I would encourage you to be clear on what the reporting procedures are. Is it anonymous? Who would you be reporting the incident to? (HR? A supervisor? A leader in the organization?) Will that person ensure that your name won’t be shared back with the homophobic colleague, if they do decide to take any modest actions like talking to her about why her statement was inappropriate? Even if your employer ensures your confidentiality, would the homophobic colleague be able to deduce you were the one who reported her? In either of these cases, where does your role fit in the organizational structure in relation to this colleague’s? Is she above you in the org chart? Does she currently or is it possible she might in the future have any say or control over your work, your reviews or your advancement? Again, I’m not saying this to deter you from reporting, but I just want to make sure that you know what you might be getting yourself into if you do report this so that you’re prepared. And if, in light of learning more about the process for reporting this incident, you find out that it could out you at work or potentially affect your work or day to day and you decide not to report, that is fine too. While I think it’s important for people to come forward and really respect the people who do, it’s also not your job personally to sacrifice your job or your career because of a homophobic colleague.

Also, I want to encourage you to reconsider the narrative that (essentially) her homophobia is justified by her being Russian and older. And, to the extent you feel comfortable doing this / you think it’s possible, I think you should urge others in your organization to reconsider that as well. By saying “oh she’s Russian and older so that’s why she thinks this way” you’re (a) giving her a pass for being a bigot and (b) denying the existence and work of older and Russian LGBTQ+ activists and advocates.

There may not be much you can do to prevent her from being in this supervisory role, but I think one thing that is really important is working towards making sure your organization is explicit and clear in its stance on LGBTQ+ rights. This colleague and any other potential bigots need to know that their homophobic views are not welcome at work. It’s important to work towards creating a work culture where, if this person does end up supervising a queer person, that queer person knows that the organization is on their side and not the bigoted supervisors’ just because she’s in a higher-level role.

Of course, maybe your organization isn’t actually willing to be explicitly queer-friendly, in which case you have a bigger problem on your hands.

Q3:

Can you quit a job without a plan and not have it ruin your life? How?

The long and short of it is I’m a social worker working in a community mental health setting. I’ve been doing similar work for a long time and have been through the non-profit exploitation and burnout cycle many a time in my career, but this is the worst it’s ever been. I was “promoted” a few months ago after my entire team left, so I became the “team lead” (of zero people!) and have been charged with hiring and training our new staff, taking on a caseload of ~55 until we got some of those staff, as well as doing tons of data and admin work I wasn’t doing previously. The workload expectation is ridiculous and I am so, so burnt out. I cry, have panic attacks, throw up, and dissociate through the week and this has bled over into my personal time and I feel like a hollow shell of myself. I never feel good, or normal, or functional. My depression and anxiety are through the roof and my cognitive and executive function are way lower than usual. The quality of my work and what I can offer my clients has decreased significantly, and I feel so guilty.

I haven’t been here for a year yet so I don’t qualify for FMLA, I don’t have a significant amount of leave to take, and I don’t have enough savings to just up and quit. I don’t have anyone who could support me financially if I lose my income. I’ve been applying for new jobs but nothing promising has emerged so far. I feel like I’m at my breaking point and I’m really concerned about my mental health if I were to stay here, but I feel really trapped. Help!

A:

Valerie Anne: Is there any kind of job you could get as an interim job? Either a short-term hire or a freelance situation? (I know that might be harder for social work than it would be a writer but that’s the only experience I have to go on!) Or even a job at a local coffee shop or in retail that could sustain you while you properly job hunt? I know it would be a temporary fix but at least you’d be able to get out and breathe a little and not have to deal with both the stress of a terrible job while also the stress of finding a new one. A job that will keep you from drowning and act as a stepping stone to your dream job. I do understand the impulse to quit being so strong but knowing it’s financially irresponsible; I go through that with my day job a lot, on a much smaller scale. (the tl;dr is that I’m a copywriter at a company that doesn’t value its creatives because we’re not a sales team with crunchable numbers and it can be very, very demoralizing.) The temptation is real but you’ve gotta fight it! It will also not be good for your mental health if you’re in a financial crisis. As for not being bogged down with the stress of job hunting on top of everything, one thing I’ve found helped me is that I have a weekly virtual job hunting date with my friend who is also looking. We hop on zoom together and search for jobs, running descriptions and cover letters by each other as we apply. It helps me get at least a few out every week and also remind me that I’m not the only one going through this job hunting hell.

Himani: Oof, the situation you’re in sounds awful and I really am sorry. Ultimately, I think Valerie Anne is right that your best option may be to move into a job that will be less emotionally demanding but can tide you over financially while you take some time to take back control over your life.

When I’ve previously felt incredibly overwhelmed by the amount of work being expected of me, one thing I would tell myself is, “well, they can’t fire me because then wtf are they going to do…” and that mindset gave me the freedom to start to reprioritize myself in the whatever small ways I could. I know you said that you don’t have much leave, but I would encourage you to take the days you can here and there just to give yourself a little bit of a break. When you take off, draw a hard boundary around being off — no checking email or work chat, no responding to phone calls or text messages. Also start drawing boundaries about how late you’re working each night — set a reasonable time and do what you can within that time. Again, given what you’re describing as the situation your org is in, I think it’s really unlikely that anyone is going to be pushing to terminate you right now if you don’t do every single task all the time. I have never worked in social work, so I imagine that this may be particularly hard to do, given that some of your decisions may affect other people’s lives. But this is not your fault. Destroying your self and your life is not going to resolve anyone else’s issues.

The other thing I’d encourage you to do is to start thinking about what kind of savings you would need to be able to leave and feel financially comfortable and what steps you can take to working towards that. You may already have a good handle on what kind of savings you might need, but if you aren’t certain, I’d encourage you to try tracking your expenses for a month or two to get a sense of what you would need to live off of for 6-7 months. There are a number of online tools that can help with this or you can do it the old-fashioned way with a spreadsheet and your bank/credit card statements. I know that being completely financially independent and without a job can be incredibly daunting, and if you live in the U.S. the health insurance issue alone can make this prohibitive. But even just starting to imagine this as something you can work towards may give you some real reprieve in feeling like you are trapped in your situation.

Q4:

I once heard a queer studies lecturer at my university talking about how one of the things that helped them get rid of imposter syndrome in straight-dominated jobs was to start thinking about their queerness as an advantage. Like instead of going into job interviews assuming that being different would make life harder, start going in with an assumption that your different perspective is an actively positive thing because it adds value to the company to have fresh insights, and that sort of thing.

I thought that sounded like it could potentially be a gamechanger for self-worth in the context of work, once it clicked. But I think it hasn’t clicked for me yet because I’m extremely concerned about the risks of being out at work, so don’t have much experience with the opposite…
Any thoughts?

A:

Kayla: That lecture sounds really interesting, and I’m into the concept of reimagining queerness and difference as an asset. At the same time, I think it could be dangerous to assume this attitude could work in every circumstance. Simply put: There are lots of workplaces where it is not safe to be out. And capitalism and other factors sometimes force queer folks to work in spaces where they might not be accepted. Again, I love the concept of seeing queerness as a wholly positive thing, and I think that’s important to do internally. I think that’s important work to do outside of the context of work, but I understand where the lecturer was coming from. Honestly, the job search/interview process can be so dehumanizing, and I understand the impulse to try to center/value your identity when undergoing that process, but I’m not personally convinced this will work/mean something for everyone. I know someone who was recently fired for being gay (and for anyone who thinks that isn’t possible because of federal employment protections…I’m begging you to read up on this, because it’s not as straightforward as you may think). Of course it’s important to celebrate our queerness, but it’s also important to protect ourselves. I hope I’m not sounding like a downer! Maybe other folks have some different thoughts! Edit: Okay, yes, after reading Ro’s answer, I think I understand that this could be super useful as an INTERNAL framing and does not require being out at work!

Ro: I agree with Kayla — depending on the politics and values of your workplace and coworkers, being out at work out isn’t always the safest choice for your comfort and job security. But your queer studies lecturer might not have been talking about being out when he said that being queer can be advantageous in the workplace.

Most queer people have to figure out that we’re not straight and come out to at least a few people at some point in our lives. That takes open-mindedness, self-awareness, honesty and GUTS! A person who can do that is a person who is creative and confident, at least in some ways. When you show up to work knowing that about yourself, the added self-esteem probably changes how you approach tasks, how you carry yourself, how you lead and how you collaborate. And to access those feelings, you don’t have to be out to anyone other than yourself.

Himani: Sometimes I read the things that queer people say and I really can’t help but wonder, “Was this person white? Was this person a cis man?” Personally, I can’t separate my queerness from my race or my gender and my race and gender have both held me back more times than I can count in the workplace. As soon as I show up in an interview (because most white people are too lazy to google the name Himani to even try to gender it), I’m already facing an uphill battle because people will assume that I can’t do data work or that I won’t be good at it. In the jobs I’ve held, people didn’t find my fresh perspective or my ability to see things from multiple angles — qualities I’ve developed directly because of my experiences and identity — as advantages in the workplace, they saw it as me getting too big for my britches and wanted me to just quietly go back to crunching numbers like a good Asian woman.

Based solely on the bit about the lecture that you’ve shared, it’s really hard for me to fully accept this person’s premise. I don’t think we can talk about something like imposter syndrome in the workplace across only one dimension — queerness — and ignore the role of gender and race. And, of course, this depends so much on what field you’re in and what type of organization you’re in, too.

Who you are, what you do, the value your life brings to the world is so much more and so much bigger than how that can be used by any organization. I really believe that the basis of confidence and self-worth starts there. Because I can promise you, no matter how good you are at what you do, it’s not your skills or your confidence alone that will determine whether an employer will hire you, whether they will pay you what you deserve, whether they will give you a title that properly aligns with your responsibilities. So while it’s true that your queerness has likely given you a perspective and a resilience that many cis people won’t have, you need to love and believe those things about yourself for what they are — not in an attempt to try to convince some employer that they could exploit those qualities of yours to their benefit.

Q5:

I’ve been out of work since the start of covid, cant get unemployment anymore, I finally found a job that physically and mentally I could do! And was like very qualified for! And I didnt even get an interview. And I’ve had some smaller rejections lately and health issues possibly related to my long covid last year. I’m feeling scared and worried that I wont be able to find a job that I physically and mentally can do and will pay enough and will give me even a chance. I know I’m “capable” but it feels like I’m never gonna find a job that suits me. I’ve been extremely happy and satisfied doing community work while unemployed. It’s better for my body to live this way. I just dont know how to get rent paid. I’m so scared I’m unemployable or will just never get the break I need.

A:

Ro: I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. From what I understand, the job market is pretty damn saturated right now since so many people are seeking work after losing their unemployment benefits, and trying to find a job that suits your physical and mental health needs narrows down the options even further.

First, I want to let you know that you’re not alone. I developed a not-yet-officially-diagnosed chronic illness after I contracted COVID in March 2020. I’ve been sick to varying degrees, sometimes in a debilitating way, every single day for almost a year and a half. And that has sucked. I’m really lucky that I was able to make some income as a freelance writer and that I eventually landed an editing job at Autostraddle, which allows me to set my own hours, work from home and make it to all of my medical tests and doctor’s appointments. If I didn’t have this option, I truly don’t know what I would do.

Second, I want to assure you that you are NOT unemployable! Finding a job will take some extra work for you (which is absolutely unfair), but you can make it happen. Here are some questions to consider when you’re job hunting:

-Are you limiting yourself to a narrow range of job options? Maybe you’re only applying for jobs in one field, but your skills and experience might mean that you’re qualified to work in some adjacent fields.
-Are you open to seeking income from multiple sources?
-Does the job you’re applying for offer a flexible schedule?
-Is the job you’re applying for clear about disability accommodations?
-If the job you’re applying for requires you to work in-person, is the employer clear about COVID safety measures?
-Does the job you’re applying for allow you to work from home?
-Does the job you’re applying for give you the time and space to engage in the community work you love?
-Are there skills you could gain on your own that would qualify you for more work that suits your needs?
-If you find yourself stuck with a low-paying job while you figure out your next move, are there costs you can temporarily cut to make your income more livable?

Finally, I highly recommend joining Facebook groups and Reddit boards for people with chronic illnesses and disabilities. The online disabled community is EXTREMELY helpful and organized, and there are tons of people who can talk to you about their experience finding work.

Himani: I’m really sorry about everything you’re going through. Ro offered some great questions to think about in terms of how you’re approaching your job search. But I just want to offer you a little commiseration. Honestly, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve applied to jobs that I was perfectly qualified for and never heard back from. It’s frustrating and demotivating as hell. But the only thing you can do is keep applying and keep putting yourself out there. I’m really terrible about doing this personally, but I really encourage you to network. When you find jobs that you know you’re qualified for and fit what you’re looking for, go on LinkedIn, see who works there currently and see if you can reach out to any of them for an informational interview. The sad truth is that networking (aka nepotism) is really how most jobs get filled.

Q6:

Does anyone else really struggle to enjoy intentional downtime? Even when I’m not feeling my best/don’t want to interact with others/etc, I find it hard to feel like it’s “okay” for me to say, sit in bed and watch a movie or spend a day inside reading when there’s nice weather outside, etc. Anyone relate??

A:

Kayla: Oh, I can absolutely relate. I’m a freelancer, so all of my income is project-based. If I’m not working, I’m not making money. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be “productive” and have somewhat fucked up ideas of what that even means! This is all stuff I’m working on. But intentional downtime is of course important, and I think unlearning the idea that you’re “wasting time” is hard but necessary self-work. If you’re hard on yourself for staying in when the weather’s nice outside, remind yourself more nice weather days will come. Yes, technically our time on this planet is finite, but it’s also vast, and we should spend that time doing ALL the things that nurture us—whether that’s working on creative projects or just staying the fuck inside with a good book.

Ro: Ok, this is probably not the healthiest, most anti-capitalist way to think about this, but this is what works for me during the work week:

At a certain point in the work day, my brain slows waaaay down. Even though I’m capable of completing more work-related tasks at that point, I’m working much more slowly. And as someone who does a lot of freelance work, time is money. That’s when I quit and get outside and go for a walk. Sometimes I listen to music or visit the local deer. And sure, sometimes I’m thinking about work during this time, but I try really hard not to (and at least I’m doing something that doesn’t involve staring at a computer screen).

After my outside time, I can come back to my computer feeling refreshed. And then, usually around dinner time, my brain hits another wall and I know that my productivity will slow down again. So I quit working! Because once I’ve hit that wall, there’s no point in completing more tasks! When I’m able to recognize that, I get to spend my evening doing things I love, like seeing my friends, making dinner with my girlfriend, reading, singing, stretching, watching scary movies. And I wait to get back to work until I’ve enjoyed my time, I’ve slept and I’m fully recharged.

Valerie Anne: I struggle with this, too. I get really hard on myself when I’m being “lazy” aka not working on something, even if it’s just a hobby. Which is not logical! I try to remind myself that I won’t be any good to any kind of work if I completely burn out and remind myself that no lives hang in the balance between whether I get any given task done today or tomorrow. It’s very hard to let go of that guilt, and sometimes I do feel the thing still hanging over me while I’m trying to relax, but sometimes hitting snooze on a responsibility is the best way to ensure it gets done to the best of your ability when you finally do get to it. Even if that “responsibility” is interacting with friends; to be the best worker, artist, friend, or ANYTHING you can be, you have to be able to do something to avoid burnout.

Himani: I can really strongly relate to the struggle you’re describing. To me, I think what this comes down to is an ability to both center and love yourself, and these are things that take years and years to really fully cultivate. Honestly, the first step for me was learning to accept the things I want to do in my downtime, and also to say, “yea, sometimes there are days when I just don’t leave my apartment because I’d rather stay in, lying on my couch listening to music.” It also takes some amount of assessing how I feel during those times — am I truly enjoying myself just listening to music or is my depression the reason I haven’t left my bed all day? So often, other people put those types of judgements on us (if not in those words exactly) — tell a person that you haven’t left your apartment all day and they’ll say things like, “oh but you wasted this beautiful day” or “are you feeling ok?” and then we internalize those ways of thinking as well. But the only person who really knows what it is you want and how it is that makes you feel is you, and so I think it requires cultivating a certain amount of self-awareness to really start to be comfortable with yourself in your downtime.

Q7:

First, thank you all for everything. You have been the first website I go to everyday for the last 10 years, and I have learned and grown so much! So I know this would be a ton of work, but could we have a gay at work series? Or like an anonymous round table in different career areas? I’m a high school educator in a rural area and I’m the only out staff member in my school, and lately so much of my job has been about supporting and advocating for my queer students and I love it. I’ve always felt a bit jealous of you all for being professional gays and now I kinda feel like one :) But also, working in such a straight (and conservative) environment is really tough and I come up against a lot of resistance. I’d love to see how other people let their queerness shine in more everyday environments and how they handle the pushback they get. Thanks so much for everything you do!

A:

Kayla: I’d love to see a gay at work series! I’m not an educator, but I grew up queer in the South and had out queer high school teachers who had SUCH a positive impact on me and how I saw myself, so it sounds like you’re doing really great, important work. If you’re interested in resources about/for LGBTQ+ teachers, the One In Ten anthology launched in the 90s and features essays by queer teachers! Obviously, a lot has changed since then, and an updated version of the anthology came out in 2015. It could be a good starting place for finding other writing/points of connection. Some of the essays are by teachers in conservative and rural schools.

Ro: I second Kayla — I would love to see a gay at work series! And I also want to thank you for doing what you’re doing!

I LOVE being professionally gay as an Autostraddle editor, but I honestly feel like I’ve had a bigger impact on my workplace when I’ve been the token gay in a predominantly straight workplace. I once worked a restaurant job in a gay neighborhood that was staffed almost entirely by straight people, and I got the servers to stop using gendered language when they spoke to our customers. I also worked for a pretty conservative after school program that was entirely run by straight folks, so I worked with the staff to include some more queer-affirming (or at least queer-coded) story books in the curriculum.

In short, if I managed to make some teeny tiny gay changes in some teeny tiny straight institutions, then I cannot IMAGINE the sheer magnitude of the impact you’re having on your school and on your students. I hope you’re incredibly proud of yourself for bringing your perspective and experience to that environment.

Nicole: Thank you so much for your work! I can’t imagine what it would have been like to have an out high school teacher. As Ro said above, I am sure your presence means a ton to your queer students.

So, this contains no detail besides job title, but after our 2020 reader survey, I put together this post of 544 jobs A+ members reported having! Maybe seeing this list will be inspiring, or comforting in the meantime because I am here to also agree that I would love to see a Gay at Work series!

I also have this question in here because in case anyone wants to jump into the comments — how do you handle pushback on queerness at work, how are you letting yourselves shine?

Q8:

How do I come out to exactly one (1) coworker?

I work at a small, regional branch of a large corporation. The company has an in-house Facebook-clone with interest groups employees across the whole company can join, including “Pet Lovers”, women in STEM, and an LGBTQ+ group. Group membership is publicly visible, and while I was scrolling through the LGBTQ+ group’s newsfeed, I saw that one of my coworkers (let’s call him Jerry) is also a member. It’s possible he joined the group as an ally, but I am excited by the possibility of another queer person in our tiny office!

I’m not exactly out at work. I don’t bring up any past/present partners or other information as many of my other coworkers are conservative; none of them have made any disparaging remarks about queer people in front of me, but that might just be because the topic hasn’t come up. For all I know, Jerry feels the same way and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable or out him to anyone else. Jerry and I are two of the youngest people in the office, on all the same projects, and constantly IM each other jokes at work, but I wouldn’t consider us friends outside of work.

How can I approach him, lacking some sort of gay bat-symbol? Put a reference to Montaro in my IM bio? Wear subtle rainbow jewelry on our next conference call? Just yell “I’m a lesbian” the next time we are forced to gather in person?

A:

Ro: Even if “Jerry” isn’t gay, he’s willing to join an online LGBTQ+ group that’s visible to his coworkers. Clearly, he’s at least an ally, and since you already get along, he’s probably a safe person to come out to.

If you’re IMing each other jokes, then I’m assuming that your messages aren’t visible to your boss or coworkers. So drop a reference to a current or ex partner into a message or mention how you celebrated pride month. Once you introduce the topic, Jerry might come out to you, too (or he might prove himself to be a solid ally who could be a friend outside of work).

Kayla: I second everything Ro says! I think it’s fine if you don’t want to be out to everyone in your office and therefore don’t want to join the group, but your coworker is clearly comfortable with other folks seeing he’s in the group, so that likely means he’s comfortable with queerness in general—whether he’s queer himself or not. Since you already have that established IM dynamic, that’d be a good place to bring it up. It can be super casual! Once you do let him know, maybe make it clear to him that you don’t really want other people in the office to know just so he’s aware of the boundary! Again, because he’s in that LGBTQ+ group, he’ll likely respect this!

Himani: I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta be that person. If you only want to come out to this coworker and not the rest of your conservative colleagues, I would advise you AGAINST using your work IM to come out to him. No, your bosses may not be reading your chat at this moment, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t have that ability nor does it preclude the possibility that they might do it in the future. I think a good general rule is that you should always assume that your employer will read or see anything in your work email or work chats.

So in this case, I would encourage you to work on building at least a small relationship with him outside of work first. I’m unsure, based on your letter, if you and Jerry work in the same location, but see if he wants to meet up for coffee or a drink some time, and if you’re worried about it being weird you can frame it as “wanting to make more friends / have more social interactions as things reopen from the pandemic.” Use that as an opportunity to share your phone number with him and then slowly start moving some of your casual conversations into text and off of the work IM. And then mention a partner/ex casually, as Ro and Kayla have suggested, over text on his personal phone (not work IM!).

This might seem like a really unnecessarily elaborate plan, but if you’re worried about getting outed at work, I really think you shouldn’t assume that work chat/email is going to keep your secret safe. Find some way to take some of your conversations with Jerry off of work chat and into personal communication (personal email, personal phone, personal text, etc.) and then come out to him casually on that non-work platform.

Q9:

Work drama question:

Okay, this is not actually about drama. But it is about work. I’m a newer employee in a decent size organization. The person I work closest with (higher up in tenure and title) is adored by pretty much everyone. Everywhere we go people are falling over themselves to tell them how great they are and how much they loved them. And saying things like, “You must feel so lucky to be working with PERSON!” The thing is, I don’t. They put on a great act with everyone, but since I’m always there I see that it is an act: same story, same tears in the same place, same promises without any follow through (or with me expected to do the follow up work without credit). They are an expert at making themselves the hero while refusing to implement any systems that would actually solve issues long term. I want to keep this job and its benefits. And if they retire someday I might even be able to implement positive changes. How do I turn my inner rage and annoyance into something productive (or just less stressful) as I nod and smile and try to make it through each interaction?

A:

Ro: Ok, so I’m a retired actor. I started working in the entertainment industry when I was five, and as I continued acting into my adulthood, I quickly learned that the industry was home to a LOT of horrible people who I was NOT allowed to criticize since they had the power to sabotage my career (and you never know who’s pals with that one casting director who thought it was ok to call you “stupid” during that one audition, etc.).

Here’s what’s worked for me: when those interactions happen, I smile, nod and swiftly change the subject. I know that’s not perfect, and it doesn’t save you from having to deal with those interactions in the first place, but for me, this technique has helped me accomplish two things:
1. It has helped me get out of the smiling/nodding/lying phase as quickly as possible, and
2. Depending on who I was speaking to, this technique could sometimes be used to safely send the message that you haven’t enjoyed working with this person. I’ve used this technique when I’ve been on set or at events with other entertainment industry professionals and I want to quietly let fellow actors know that a particular director or agent isn’t fun to work with (and I would later up with a detailed text or email about my experience).

Kayla: I’ve also been in work settings where people’s public reputation diverged SIGNIFICANTLY from the way they actually behaved and treated others in the workplace. It’s incredibly frustrating! There’s also…so little you can do about it. In an ideal world the burden would not be on you to mitigate it, but unfortunately you don’t really have a lot of control over the perceptions of others. I think Ro’s nod/subject change advice is solid! Remind yourself that you know the truth about this person and even if others don’t see it, your perspective and feelings are incredibly valid. As far as trying to channel rage into something more productive, maybe try to focus on your career goals in a way that really centers YOU and not this other person. Easier said than done, I know!

Himani: Oh friend, as I was reading your letter I pictured one very specific project director I worked with in my mind. So yes, as Ro and Kayla have said, your experience here is unfortunately incredibly common. Personally, I find that when I try to make my inner rage and annoyance productive, I end up becoming more angry and more annoyed. Allow yourself to feel your rage. Allow yourself to express it in safe ways. For me, sometimes this means what I call “rage journaling” wherein I write down whatever it is I’m thinking and feeling in whatever words are coming to my mind (no matter how unsavory) and just really allow the anger and rage to flow. You’re allowed to feel your feelings, and you are justified in them because the situation you’re in is just so incredibly frustrating. When I’ve done this in the past, allowing myself to feel my emotions gave me a little more control of them when I was confronted with the invariably frustrating moments of superiors delusionally buying into another person’s act. The other thing I’ve found to be helpful is to be present in body and not mind. So when I’m confronted with a situation where someone is singing the praises of some asshole that really does not deserve a shred of credit, I let my mind refocus on things I find pleasant and enjoyable and remind myself of the positive things this job/situation is giving me along with these negative, frustrating moments.

Q10:

Work related question!

I work for a union that represents public service employees. Currently, big debate happening about mandatory vaccines. Very weirdly, a lot of my coworkers are AGAINST mandatory vaccines! Thankfully, not anti-vax, just anti-mandatory vax and anti-disclosure. But its still weird to me because what could be more in line with unionism than vaccines?! Common good, worker health and safety, supporting your coworkers, solidarity forever?! How can you believe in the idea of “all for one and one for all” if you don’t believe it’s important to get a vaccine so you can protect the members of your community who can’t get vaxxed?! How do I deal with these people?!

A:

Himani: So this is very complicated. I’m going to start by stating clearly that I am unequivocally in favor of vaccine mandates, and I have truly and entirely lost my patience with America’s “to vax or not to vax” debates.

That said, when I think about the vaccine mandate discussions at my workplace and what I’ve heard from others, I think there are a few things that are all tied up together. First, I honestly don’t know of any organization (including health care organizations) that actually rolled out a vaccine mandate in any kind of reasonable way where people were actually clear on what was required of them and where they were given a reasonable amount of time to meet the requirement. Far too often, what has happened is that the big wigs talk about a vaccine mandate that they want in place by a certain date and by the time it gets around to the people who the mandate would apply to, it’s often far too late for them to do anything about it. Now at this point, there are many people who have had access to vaccines for a long time. But there are also a lot of communities and populations where access issues continue to persist.

Second, I think there’s a lot of general frustration around the unevenness with which mandates are applied. For instance, at my job, the students are mandated to get vaccinated; faculty and staff are not, actually. This has, understandably, led some students to feel frustrated as to why they are being required to get a vaccine that they may feel ambivalent about (more on that in a minute) when the same isn’t being applied to the faculty/staff they will interact with. For many employees in other organizations, the issue is the opposite: employers are mandating vaccines among their staff but their clients/customers will remain unvaccinated.

This brings me to the third issue, which is that employers are using vaccine mandates to push for accelerated reopening, even when the safety is still really debatable. Again, in the scenario where all the staff at an organization are required to be vaccinated but clients aren’t, employers are saying “go work in the office in person for 8+ hours a day with minimal protections.” Many employers are very likely shirking on other health precautions, like making sure ventilation is actually up to the necessary standards or going to the trouble of enforcing mask mandates among belligerent clients and are putting the issue of stopping the spread squarely on the shoulders of only their employees when they say “you must be vaccinated.” They’re not doing their end of the bargain. And even if those things are in place, a big concern I and many people I know have had with regards to being required to come back to work in full is commuting on a packed train of people with mixed vaccination statuses and uneven mask compliance. There are so many risks with going into work that are about more than just what happens in the office and who is or is not vaccinated in the office, and yet employers are basically shrugging off all those concerns and saying, “Everyone must return to in-person work in the way they were before the pandemic,” and using the vaccine mandate among their employees as justification for that stance.

And finally, while there are a ton of white anti-vaxxers who I really have no patience and no sympathy for, I try to keep in perspective that there are also communities that have been used and abused by the medical establishment who remain wary of the COVID vaccine. Now, I will admit that my personal feelings on this have gone up and down as I’ve watched the pandemic continue and continue to ravage the globe and have felt just so incredibly angry about the whole thing. But, if you haven’t already, I strongly encourage you to read this interview in Slate with physician and public health advocate Dr. Reed Tuckson. He talks about his work on public health outreach in Black communities during the AIDS epidemic and during the COVID-19 pandemic. And he closes with this incredibly powerful statement which I’m going to quote in full:

If Tuskegee was the rate-limiting step to try to talk to Black folks about the importance of protecting not only themselves, but their partners and their community from [HIV], we have done nothing in 40 years to take Tuskegee off the table. How could that be the rate-limiting step yet again [during the COVID-19 pandemic]? Shame on the American research enterprise, shame on the American clinical care enterprise, and shame on the American public policy enterprise, that together our health care industry—of which I am a member—have done nothing in 40 years to give Black people the sense that the guidance and advice is being given to them out of love, out of respect, out of concern for their health, as opposed to the distrust that we see rampant today.

All that said, I want to reiterate that I am personally very strongly in favor of vaccine mandates. This shit has gone on for far too long. But I try to hold that buried in all the piles of Fox-news-induced delusions and nonsense, there are a few people who I do think have reasonable and justified frustrations with vaccine mandates. Is this all or most of your colleagues who are opposed to the vaccine mandate? In all reality, probably not. My approach to dealing with this is (a) largely not talking to people about it after I know their general stance because I truly cannot even and (b) trying to hold grace for the handful who I can truly empathize with.

Q11:

I’ve reached a point where I feel like I’m done with my job and want to move on-and I’ve been applying and have had some interviews-but the thing that has been really getting to me is the non-stop complaining of my coworkers. I’m sure it’s partially the pandemic and how we’ve been treated bringing everyone down, and I don’t disagree with anything they’re saying but it’s exhausting to listen to nonstop complaints. Any advice on how to head this off, and just keep things pleasant?

A:

Kayla: This happens in pretty much all work settings across all industries. And on the one hand I get it, commiserating about work complaints with coworkers can, in the short-term, feel cathartic/like a release. It’s an easy way for coworkers to bond. But in the long-term, I’ve found that it can actually be really detrimental not only for one’s personal mental health but for relationships between coworkers. It can be really cyclical and ultimately exhausting. If you’re comfortable with it, you might have to just be direct with coworkers and say you’d prefer not to talk about work. You can also take a less forward approach by trying to change the topic whenever possible—I’ve found this tactic to be pretty effective! Sometimes people don’t even realize they’re spiraling/talking about the same complaint ad nauseum (I include myself in this!) and a gentle nudge in a different direction is all it takes.

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